Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 1

79a: Steve Martin / Blondie

Rise

…..Steve Martin
…..Buck Henry

[ show exterior visual of the New York Port Authority ]

[ dissolve to interior, Steve Martin cleaning his hands in the sink of an unappealing public bathroom ]

Steve Martin: I hate bathrooms like this – they’re dirty, they’re disgusting, and they’re germ-ridden. Hi. I’m Steve Martin. You know, whether you like it or not, there are times when all of us have no coice but to use facilities that aren’t exactly.. “sanitized for your protection.” How do you protect yourself? These things? [ pulls a seat protection sheet from a dispenser ] Sorry – too thin. Germs can eat their way through this flimsy tissue and attack your leg in no time at all!

[ removes product from his pocket, and holds it up to the camera ]

That’s why I use.. Rise. Just one drop of Rise, and we guarantee that your seat will never make contact with their seat. You see, Rise contains the same active ingredient as Crazy Glue. Only we’ve taken out the adhesive. Therefore, once Rise enters the bloodstream.. [ sprays Rise into his mouth ] it actually repels all surfaces.

[ enters bathroom stall, closes the door and takes his seat ]

[ camera holds on the outside of stall door, as we suddenly notice Steve’s head “rise” slowly past the top of the stall door, a smirk on his face ]

I am now seating about eight inches above the bowl, and I’ll shake the hand of any germ who can make that leap! Just one drop of Rise can keep a guy my size afloat and out of danger for five full days!

[ in adjacent stall, the head of a bearded Buck Henry hidden behind a newspaper suddenly “rises” above the stall door ]

Steve Martin: Hi!

Buck Henry: [ lowers his paper to return the greeting ] Hello!

Steve Martin: The choice is yours. You can sit in it.. or you can “Rise” above it.

Announcer: Rise. Helps keep the “high” in “hygeine”.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 1

79a: Steve Martin / Blondie

The Pope at Monsterdome

Security Guard…..Garrett morris
Sister Francis Mary Bryson…..Laraine Newman
Delivery Boy…..Jim Downey
Monsignor Aldini…..Bill Murray
Aldini’s Date…..Jane Curtin
Singing Nun…..Gilda Radner
Guard…..Tom Davis
The Pope…..Steve Martin

[ open on NBC animated graphic ]

Announcer: “N-B-C, Smart As a Pea-Cock!”

[ dissolve to exterior Monsterdome, prior to The Pope’s visit. A security guard stands at the door to make sure only authorized personnel have diret access to The Pope ]

[ SUPER: “THIS IS NOT A REPEAT” ]

Security Guard: Alright! Alright, everybody, hey! Move back, please! If you’re not on the list, and you don’t have a pass.. stand behind the barricade, okay! Stand behind the barricade!

[ the crowd boos ]

Security Guard: Say, Jack.. say, Jack.. say, have you got a pass?

Bishop McCreary: Bishop McCreary – plus one.

Security Guard: Oh.. oh.. yeah.. okay. Right here. You’re on the list. Alright? [ hands name tags to to the Bishop and his guest ] Put that right there, and go ahead. Please. Bishop McCreary, go ahead.

[ Bishop McCreary enters, as Sister Francis Mary Bryson steps up ]

Sister Francis Mary Bryson: Hello.

Security Guard: Yes, ma’am.

Sister Francis Mary Bryson: I’m Sister Francis Mary Bryson. I’m a militant nun.

Security Guard: [ consults his list ] Well.. you’re not on the list.

Sister Francis Mary Bryson: Well.. I know I’m not on the list.. you see, I’m concerned.. well.. perhaps “concerned” is too strong a word. I’m hopeful that his Holy Father would, perhaps, um.. listen to, well.. perhaps t’s unfair to suggest that he wouldn’t.. listen.. that he would consider.. some of our, uh.. “demands”.. uh, I mean.. “suggestions”! “Suggestions”! Uh.. increasing the role of women in the church.. and I would like to enter a formal protest.

Security Guard: Hmm..

Sister Francis Mary Bryson: I mean “vigil”.

Security Guard: Mmm-hmm..

Sister Francis Mary Bryson: Silent “vigil”. [ pointing ] And, uh.. I-I-I’d just be behind there, I mean I wouldn’t make one sound.. you wouldn’t even know I was-

Security Guard: Yeah, yeah, yeah.. Well, I’ll tell you what – the Pope said that anyone who wants to make a protest should stand behind that barricade, and the Pope will come out and talk to you at the end.

Sister Francis Mary Brison: Ohh.. okay.. thank you. Well, would you mind if I lit this candle?

Security Guard: Sure – behind the barricade.

[ Delivery Boy steps up, holding a papl gown in plastic wrap ]

Delivery Boy: G&K Cleaners? Had to take care of the wine stain?

Security Guard: [ hands him a name tag ] Oh, yeah.. here, man.. put this on and go ahead.

[ Delivery Boy enters, as Monsignor Aldini and his date (dressed as a nun) step up ]

Monsignor Aldini: Hi.

Security Guard: Yes? Yes?

Monsignor Aldini: Monsignor Aldini – with a guest.

Security Guard: [ consults his list ] I’m sorry, you’re not on the list, man.

Monsignor Aldini: Look under “Monsignors”.

Security Guard: Nope. Nope.

Aldini’s Date: I can’t believe this is happening to Monsignor Aldini!

Monsignor Aldini: Alright, wait a minute.. I’m a friend of His Holiness. He told me: “Stage Entrance, with a guest. No problem.”

Security Guard: Man, I wish I had a dollar for every guy who told me he knew the Pope! Now get behind that barricade!

Aldini’s Date: Can you believe this, Monsignor? [ chuckles ]

Monsignor Aldini: Welllll.. it could happen.. [ pretends to recognize a passing bishop ] Father Runyon! Jimmy Runyon! Hey! Hey! It’s me! Aldini! Hey, look – if you see the Vicar of Christ in there, will you tell him he forgot to put me on the list!

Security Guard: I’m not gonna tell you again, man! Get behind the barricade now!

[ Monsignor Aldini and his date step aside, as one-hit wonder recording artist The Singing Nun steps up ]

The Singing Nun: Pardon? I believe I am on ze list? I am the Singing Nun.

Security Guard: [ consults his list ] Nope. Sorry.

The Singing Nun: But I am the Singing Nun. Listen.. [ strums guitar and sings her one hit “Dominique” ]

Security Guard: Does anybody know this penguin here?! Huh?

Second Guard: Don’t mind her – she’s been hanging around for the whole tour.

Security Guard: Yeah..

Second Guard: If His Holiness sees her backstage, he’ll flip!

Security Guard: Right.. right. [ to the Singing Nun ] Okay, okay.. look. That’s it.. that’s it, now. Behind the barricade.. behind the barricade..

[ The Singing Nun is pushed aside, as Monsignor Aldini decides to make another try at getting in ]

Monsignor Aldini: Okay, now.. I can see why you threw out the Singing Nun – she’s obviously a Dominican bloodsucker. But the Holy Father is expecting me, and I would not like to be in your Adidas when the man says “Where’s Monsignor Aldini?” Okay?

Security Guard: Man.. get.. behind.. the barricade!

Aldini’s Date: I can’t believe this is happening!

Monsignor Aldini: Did the Holy Father say what hotel he’s staying at?

Security Guard: Yeah, I think he’s staying at the Y!

Monsignor Aldini: The YMCA?

Security Guard: Yeah!

Monsignor Aldini: I am a man of God! But I have a limit to my patience!

[ Monsignor Aldini and his date are escorted away from the door, as a group of bishops step out; the crowd gets excited ]

Crowd: Is he coming through!!

[ suddenly, The Pope comes out, the crowd going wild ]

The Pope: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 1

79a: Steve Martin / Blondie

The All-New Mr. Bill Show

Mr. Bill: Hi, and welcome to the “All-New Mr. Bill Show”! with an all-new cast! Yayyyyyy!! You know.. that mean ol’ Sluggo and Mr. Hands won’t be back this season, because I think they were holding us back. But don’t worry, kids, because we’re gonna do a lot of fun things. Yayyyyyyy!! Say, to help start off the festivities, here’s my co-host, and my best friend – Spot! Yayyyyyy!!!

[ Spot barks ]

Mr. Bill: [ laughing ] Spot says it fits the flea perfectly! Spot, you’re so funny! And now, kids, I’d like to introduce you to a new guest on the show. She’s really versatile, witty and cute, and I met her on the beach this summer – let’s hear it for Miss Sally! Yayyyyyy!!

[ Miss Sally is revealed ]

Mr. Bill: Say, Miss Sally.. I wanted to show the kids some movies of how we met at the beach this summer.

Miss Sally: [ excited ] Okay!

Mr. Bill: Oh, great! So, will you roll the film now, please? [ the film doesn’t start ] Uhhh.. the film, please? Could you roll it?

[ Mr. Hands reaches into the scene carrying a film projector ]

Mr. Hands: Say, Mr. Bill.. I’m returning the protector I borrowed. Oops!

[ drops the projector on Miss Sally ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhh! Sally, ohhhh! Mr. Hands! Didn’t I tell you to quit coming over here? Huh?

[ Spot barks ]

Mr. Bill: Yeah! And, you know, we were having the best show ever until you showed up!

Mr. Hands: But Mr. Bill, I heard you were showing home movies tonight.

Mr. Bill: Well, I’m not in the mood any more!

Mr. Hands: Oh, come on. Help me plug it in.

Mr. Bill: [ with his arm casually resting on the projector reel ] Ohhh, no. You just want to shock me! Well, I’m not falling for that one again!

Mr. Hands: Okay. I’ll do it.

[ Mr. Hands plugs in the projector, which slices off Mr. Bill’s arm when the reels begins to spin ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhh!!!

[ the film begins to play, showing Mr. Bill and Spot at the beach with Mr. Hands ]

Mr. Hands V/O: Ah, what a beautiful day that was, when we went to the beach at Coney Island.

Mr. Bill: Oh, goodie! Oh boy, we’re gonna have fun today at the beach!

Mr. Hands: Say, Mr. Bill, let’s toss the frisbee.

Mr. Bill: But I’m busy right now!

Mr. Hands: Oh.. okay. I’ll play with Spot. Here, Spot! Catch the frisbee!

[ Mr. Hands tosses the frisbee, which slices Spot’s head off ]

Mr. Bill: Oh, no! Spot, oh!

[ Mr. Hands brings Miss Sally onto the beach scene ]

Mr. Hands: Oh, say, Mr. Bill.. this nice, young lady returned your frisbee.

Mr. Bill: Oh gee, thanks, Miss. Would you like to stay for lunch? Huh?

Miss Sally: Okay.

Mr. Bill: Oh, good! Say, Mr. Hands.. uh.. do we have any more food in the basket, huh?

Mr. Hands: Gee, I don’t know.. why don’t you check?

[ Mr. Hands holds Mr. Bill up to the open picnic basket ]

Mr. Bill: Oh, okay.. gee.. there’s nothing left.

Mr. Hands: Oh?

[ Mr. Hands closes the basket onto Mr. Bill’s arm ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhhh!!

Mr. Hands: [ throws the beach ball ] Say, why don’t you two throw the beach ball around?

[ the beach ball flattens Mr. Bill and Miss Sally onto the sand ]

Mr. Hands: Oh! You’re suntanning! Say, I’ll put on some hand lotion, and protect you from the sun. [ pours lighter fluid onto Mr. Bill’s back ]

Mr. Bill: Well, okay..

Mr. Hands: Say, you know, and I’ve got something that’ll give you an even quicker tan. [ holds a magnifying glass over Mr. Bill ]

Mr. Bill: [ nervous ] Uh, what’s that, Mr. Hands? [ the sun into the magnifying glass causes Mr. Bill to ignite faster than Michael Jackson ] Wait, that’s too hot! No, I don’t- ohhhhhh!!

[ cut to Mr. Bill at the movie projector watching in horror ]

[ cut back to the movie, as a buff beachgoer runs toward the camera and kicks sand at it ]

Mr. Hands: Uh-oh! Here comes Miss Sally’s jealous boyfriend.

[ the sand has left Mr. Bill buried along the shore ]

Mr. Hands: Oh! He kicked sand in your face! [ reaches down to retrieve Mr. Bill ] Uh.. Mr. Bill? What are you doing, looking for buried treasure? Huh? [ lifts Mr. Bill out of the sand with a shovel, revealing a small treasure ] Oh, boy, you hit the jackpot, Mr. Bill! That’s great!

Mr. Bill: Oh, really? I did! Well, what’s inside, huh, Mr. Hands?

Mr. Bill: Well, here.. why don’t you check? [ holds the treasure chest to Mr. Bill’s hand, then lets it shut close ]

Mr. Bill: No, wait, no, no..! [ Mr. Hands opens the chest to reveal tiny mousetraps covering his hand ] Ohhhhh!!

Mr. Hands: Say, Mr. Bill.. why don’t you wash some of that sand off of you, huh? [ tosses Mr. Bill into the surf ]

Mr. Bill: No, no! But you know I can’t swim!

Mr. Hands: Oh, gee, that’s right.. I’d better get the lifeguard.. [ reveal Sluggo as the lifeguard ] He said this will save you.. [ tosses a life preserver over Mr. Bill ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhhh!

Mr. Hands: [ places Mr. Bill on a stray surfboard ] Oh, boy! Surf’s up, Mr. Bill!

Mr. Bill: Oh, but you know I can’t surf! Ohhhhhh!!

Mr. Hands V/O: Boy, Mr. Bill, you really rode those waves that day. And Miss Sally was so impressed with how brave you were to fight the dangerous shark.

[ Mr. Bill surfs right into the waiting, open mouth of a shark ]

[ cut back to the all-new Mr. Bill set, where only Spot and Mr. Hands remain ]

Mr. Hands: Man, that was quite a day, Mr. Bill. Uh.. Mr. Bill? Mr. Bill, where are you?

[ Spot barks ]

Mr. Hands: Oh, really, Spot? Hmm. Oh, say, Spot, uh.. between you and me, I like the set the way it used to be.

[ Mr. Hands cuts the string atop the disco ball, as it falls flat on top of Spot ]

Mr. Hands: Ah, much better. See you net time, bye-bye!

[ close ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 1

79a: Steve Martin / Blondie

Steve Martin’s Monologue

…..Steve Martin

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Steve Martin!

Steve Martin: Thank you.. thank you very much! Although I have just released a new comedy album, I’m kinda getting out of the comedy thing.. And I feel a lot of you people are wondering what.. Steve.. is into now. Well.. I’m kinda getting into the high-fashion deal. I’ve always enjoyed the fashion magazines, like Bazaar and Vogue.. and now they have the fashion magazines for men. And that’s kinda what I want to get into – I want to be a male model. Because they always get to stand like.. this. [ strikes a series of his male model poses ]

[ suddenly, with no announcement, the SNL house band breaks into “Stompin’ At The Savoy” ]

What’s going on here? Hold it! Wait a minute – cut it! What’s with the music! I can’t believe this! We came in two weeks early for rehearsal, and you get this! This is the kind of thing that irritates me! I’m out here doing my male modeling bit – my best bit – and you get something like this! What’s the deal, Howard?! I can’t believe this! [ upset ] Okay! Okay! I can wait! I can wait!

[ despite his protest, Steve suddenly begins to dance along to the music, the audience cheering favorably at Steve’s dance moves. Strobe lights suddenly appear, giving the illusion of Steve in motion even though he stands perfectly still, compensating only by making a shadowy dog-face of his hand move its mouth open and close via Steve’s pinky finger ]

[ Steve makes a giant leap in the air onto his feet, as the full house lights go back up ]

Steve Martin: Thank you! We’ll be right back with “Saturday Night” – special guest Blondie!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 1

79a: Steve Martin / Blondie

Goodnights

…..Steve Martin

Steve Martin: Well, that’s our show. I’d like to thank the musical guest – Blondie. Bill Murray, Laraine Newman, Gilda Radner.. everybody.. Garrett Morris. Take a bow, everybody! We’ll see you next week!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 1

79a: Steve Martin / Blondie

Craig’s Traveler’s Checks

Craig…..Jim Downey

[ open on Bellboy walking disappointedly to a pair of travellers ]

Bellboy: I’m sorry. I look everywhere. I can’t find them.

Female Traveller: Great. We’ve lost our traveller’s checks.

Hotel Clerk: Well, why don’t we call the American Express?

Male Traveller: But they weren’t American Express.

Hotel Clerk: Oh, that’s too bad. Most people carry American Express. I’m sorry.

Female Traveller: They were Craig’s Traveller’s Checks.

Hotel Clerk: Oh, Craig’s! Well, why didn’t you say so! Forget about it, no problem!

[ dissolve to Craig, sitting alone in his apartment ]

Craig: Hi. I’m Craig. I’m cheaper and more reliable than American Express, because I never leave my apartment. You can call me 24 hours a day. [ answers phone ] Hello?

Voice on Phone: Collect call from the Embassy looking for Craig.

Announcer: Craig. He’s always there when you need him.

[ sound of Criag taking a shower in the background ]

Craig’s Answering Machine: Hi. This is Craig. I’m in the shower right now. At the sound of the beep, please leave your name and the country you’re in.

[ beep ]

[ graphic: “Craig’s – he never never leaves his apartment” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 1


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


October 13th, 1979

Steve Martin

Blondie

Don Novello

Buck Henry

Tom Gammill

Al Franken

Tom Davis

Harry Shearer

Peter Aykroyd

Jim Downey

Andy Murphy

Tom Schiller

Paul Shaffer

Harry Shearer

Max Pross
The Pope at MonsterdomeSummary: Pope John Paul II’s (Steve Martin) doorman (Garrett Morris) turns clergy away during his visit to the Monsterdome.

Recurring Characters: Jerry Aldini, Pope John Paul II.

Transcript

Montage

Steve Martin’s MonologueSummary: Steve Martin dances along to “Stompin’ At The Savoy” while encompassed by strobe lights.

Transcript

Craig’s Traveler’s ChecksSummary: You can enjoy a worry-free vacation even if you lose Craig’s (Jim Downey) Traveler’s Checks, because he never leaves his apartment.

Transcript

Spanish TutorSummary: A Spanish tutor’s (Steve Martin) eagerness to give free lessons on a door-to-door basis turns out to be a ploy to use a couple’s (Bill Murray, Gilda Radner) bathroom.

The VandalsSummary: A Centurion (Steve Martin) confronts a juvenile delinquent Vandal (Al Franken) caught in the act by his guards.

Transcript

Blondie performs “Dreaming”

RiseSummary: Steve Martin demonstrates how he avoids bathroom germs by hovering above the toilet.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) shows off his Pope merchandise and announces his Find the Popes in the Pizza contest.

Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.

Transcript

Great Moments In Rock HistorySummary: Carole King (Laraine Newman) sings “You’ve Got a Friend”, while her own friend Henry (Steve Martin) is mugged in front of her apartment.

Recurring Characters: Don Kirschner.

Transcript

The David Susskind ShowSummary: Witnesses discuss Hamilton Jordan’s cocaine use.

Recurring Characters: David Susskind, Audrey Peart Dickman.

Blondie performs “The Hardest Part”

The Bolshoi BalletSummary: Russian security keeps a vigilant eye on the Bolshai Ballet Company’s performance to make sure none of the dancers defects during the production.

The All New Mr. Bill ShowSummary: In an attempt to host an all-new show without Mr. Hands, Mr. Bill redecorates with a disco ball and shows filmed footage of his disastrous summer on the beach.

Transcript

What The Hell Is That?Summary: A pair of wandering tourists (Steve Martin, Bill Murray) gaze toward the studio audience and wonder what it is they’re looking at.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: 1979-1980




The Complete Fifth Season on DVD

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Starring:

Jane Curtin

Garrett Morris

Bill Murray

Laraine Newman

Gilda Radner

Harry Shearer

Featuring:

Peter Aykroyd (first: 11/17/79)

Tom Davis

Jim Downey

Brian Doyle-Murray (first: 12/15/79)

Al Franken

Don Novello

Tom Schiller (first: 12/15/79)

Paul Shaffer

Alan Zweibel (first: 12/15/79)

Episodes

10/13/79: Steve Martin / Blondie

10/20/79: Eric Idle / Bob Dylan

11/03/79: Bill Russell / Chicago

11/10/79: Buck Henry / Tom Petty

11/17/79: Bea Arthur / The Roches

12/08/79: Howard Hesseman / Randy Newman

12/15/79: Martin Sheen / David Bowie

12/22/79: Ted Knight / Desmond Child & Rouge

01/26/80: Teri Garr / The B-52’s

02/09/80: Chevy Chase / Marianne Faithfull

02/16/80: Elliott Gould / Gary Numan

02/23/80: Kirk Douglas / Sam & Dave

03/08/80: Rodney Dangerfield / The J. Geils Band

03/15/80: (none) / James Taylor & Paul Simon, David Sanborn

04/05/80: Richard Benjamin & Paula Prentiss / Grateful Dead

04/12/80: Burt Reynolds / Anne Murray

04/19/80: Strother Martin / The Specials

05/10/80: Bob Newhart / Amazing Rhythm Aces, Bruce Cockburn

05/17/80: Steve Martin / 3-D, Paul & Linda McCartney

05/24/80: Buck Henry / Andrew Gold, Andrae Crouch & Voices of Unity

Summary   “Saturday Night Live” is only as big as its stars, and the 1979 season made that abundantly clear. Dan Aykroyd and John Belushi left the show at the end of the fourth season to pursue movie stardom, leaving a noticeable void. Bill Murray became the show’s new frontrunner, and was placed in nearly every sketch. Jane, Garrett, Laraine and Gilda still provide laughs, as do premiere featured performances by comic Harry Shearer and most of the show’s writers, but it’s easy to see that the old magic is no longer there. It was so evident to everyone involved with the show, that they all decided to leave at the end of the season, rounding out five years of involvement with the “Saturday Night Live” project. However, NBC was not letting go of its highest-rated program that easily, and was determined to salvage it no longer how many years it would take.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 20

78t: Buck Henry / Bette Midler

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

… Jane Curtin
… Bill Murray
… Garrett Morris
Roseanne Roseannadanna … Gilda Radner

Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, withthe Weekend Update news team. Here are anchorpersonsBill Murray and Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: [behind her a clock, labeledCLOCK, reads 12:05 a.m.] Good evening. I’m JaneCurtin. Here now the news. Our top storytonight:

California senator S. I. Hayakawa slept soundlythrough a Senate SALT briefing this week. Senator AlanCranston said, quote, “His eyes were closed, his headwas nodding and others allege he was snoring.” Endquote. Hayakawa reportedly commented later, “I need mysleep. Poor people don’t need sleep – because they’renot working and they don’t get tired.” …

A Pennsylvania dairy farmer says that nineteen of hiscows have died from radiation poisoning since theThree Mile Island nuclear accident last month. Otherlocal residents report the continuing deaths ofhousehold pets such as dog, cats, birds – [photo ofchild looking at a tiny prostrate elephant] – and eventhe Harrisburg Zoo’s five-ton elephant Betsy … whowas reduced by radiation shrinkage to the size of aLabrador retriever. …

Bill?

Bill Murray: [who also sits in front of a clocklabeled CLOCK] This week, Congress approvedlegislation to have a special gold medal struck inhonor of John Wayne. The ailing Wayne said, “Shucks,all I did was ride a few horses, kiss a few women, andkill a few redskins and gooks.” … John Wayne,American. …

[Photo of Pierre Trudeau frowning but giving a “thumbsup” sign] Former Canadian Prime Minister Pierre ElliotTrudeau, shown here hitchhiking home to Montreal afterlast Tuesday’s elections, conceded the contest toconservative Joe Clark who had been referred to as”Joe Who?” Traditionalist Clark, taking over thegovernment this week, insisted that his title willofficially be “Prime Minister Who?” … And, infollowing the trend set by her predecessor, thenew Prime Minister’s wife immediately flew to New Yorkto celebrate at Studio 54 where she was seenarm-in-arm with none other than Tony Orlando himself.[doctored photo of a grinning Tony Orlando with hisarm around the prime minister’s wife] …

Last year, the Rolling Stones album “Some Girls” wasattacked by black leaders as being racist and it seemsthat time has not diminished the furor over it, as itwas recently the subject of a speech delivered by theReverend Jesse Jackson at an event celebrating the25th anniversary of the Supreme Court’s desegregationdecision. Here to comment is Update’s tokensociologist, Garrett Morris. …

[Polite applause for a bespectacled Garrett Morris wholooks dapper and dicty in a suit and tie.]

Garrett Morris: [dignified, dripping withsnooty condescension] Now, I’d like to speak about thesubject of a certain Mick Jagger – of theRolling Stones. … And I’m going to talk aboutthe song he sang — a song in which he sings thesevery words: “Black girls – just want to havesex – all night long.” …

Now, Mr. Jagger, there is only one question I want toask you — Jaggs. … And you better have theanswer, man, you better have the answer, since youhave besmirched the character of black women.Therefore, here is my question, Jaggs. [pause, takesoff eyeglasses, suddenly drops the pose, pleading]Where are all of these black broads, man? …[huge cheers and applause] Hey, like, where ARE they,baby? You got any phone numbers for me, baby? …Please send ’em to me. [puts glasses back on,dignified again] Thank you. … [enthusiasticapplause]

Jane Curtin: A familiar sight to TV viewers,the old NBC Peacock was redesigned and unveiled by NBCthis week. Aside from a little streamlining, the majorchange was in cutting off the peacock’s legs. …However, our inside sources tell us that the legsweren’t all that was removed – since the bird is nowknown as the NBC Capon. …

Bill?

Bill Murray: The movement to draft Ted Kennedyfor president has begun a full eighteen months beforethe 1980 election. Impatient Democrats have alreadystarted unauthorized “Draft Kennedy” movements in NewHampshire, Iowa, Ohio and Minnesota. Kennedy has saidprivately that he will never run for president whilehis mother, Rose Kennedy, is alive. Well, impatientDemocrats have already begun arrangements to send the89-year-old matriarch off to visit Jimmy Hoffasometime before the New Hampshire primary. …

Jane?

Jane Curtin: Because of the scarcity ofgasoline, the National Safety Council predicts thatthere will be fewer cars on the road this holidayweekend. Here to comment further on this situation iscorrespondent Roseanne Roseannadanna.

[Huge cheers and applause for the loud Latina womanwith the increasingly frizzy hair.]

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Thanks a lot! Thanks alot, Jane! A Mr. Richard Feder from Fort Lee, NewJersey sent me this Memorial Day limerick thatsays:

Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna,

This weekend is boring for me.
I gotta stay home in Fort Lee.
Having no gas, I declare,
Is a pain in the rear
‘Cause you can’t say “ass” on TV. …

Well, Mr. Feder … I didn’t know you AND NipseyRussell were livin’ in New Jersey. … But I knowexactly what you’re goin’ through ’cause this weekend,I — Roseanne Roseannadanna — was plannin’ on drivin’out to the beach. But now, I have to stay home in myapartment and sweat like a dog! … And you knowsomethin’? I love goin’ to the beach onMemorial Day — ’cause you get to see a lot of pinkand white and real pale people with stuff on ’emthat’s been growin’ under their clothes all winter!… Like, they got little pimples and bumps and rashesand clumps of tiny hairs on their backs and legs andyou don’t WHAT they are! …

But I remember last Memorial Day, I went out to JonesBeach. And I was havin’ a great time swimmin’ andlyin’ on my towel and soakin’ up the sunshine andlookin’ like a little doll … when who – whodo I see on the beach but Miss Weekend Updateherself, Jane Curtin! [cheers and applause as wepan to include an increasingly self-conscious Jane]That’s right! Little Jane! And she looks so cute inher black bathing suit with her bubbly, chubby littlethighs! … And those little thighs still had thelittle underwear marks from when she changed in thecar and everything. … So I yelled, “Hey! Jane! Whatare you doin’ at Jones Beach?!”

But Jane wasn’t listenin’ to me. And you know why?’Cause she musta had this big lump o’ wet sand in thebottom of her bathing suit that was like a bulge thatitches. … Well, Jane – Jane kept stickin’ her handin her pants tryin’ to get the sand out and thenflickin’ it away! … And she was – she was there onthe beach and she was jumpin’ up and down and around,and flickin’ sand out of her bathing suit. [Jane,deeply embarrassed, tries to remain calm by twisting apaper clip out of shape] And no matter what Jane did– when she was walkin’, when she was buyin’ ice creamor playin’ Frisbee or anything — she just keptflickin’ at her bathing suit bottom. She just wouldn’ttake her hands out of her pants! … I thought she hada fish in there or somethin’! … [applause]

So, anyways, I yelled, “Hey! Jane! Quit flickin’ atyourself! What are you tryin’ to do?! Make me sick?!”… Well, I couldn’t believe the way she–

Jane Curtin: Roseanne, shut up!

Roseanne Roseannadanna: [makes a face] …Well, what’s with you, Miss Jane?

Jane Curtin: Roseanne, people — all sorts ofpeople have little odd things that happen to them. Whydo you insist on coming on and straying from thesubject to talk about some disgusting innuendoes? Thisman asked you about the gas shortage.

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane, it justgoes to show ya. It’s always somethin’! If it’s notone thing, it’s another! Either you don’t have gas oryou got a lump of wet sand in the bottom of yourbathing suit. … You know, it’s just like the littlesong that my father used to sing to me before I wentto bed at night. It’s a song about you, Jane!And it was recorded in 1956 by the RoseannadannaBrothers. … And it goes like this:

[snaps her fingers and sings screechily, to the tuneof the Everly Brothers’ hit song “All I’ve Got to Dois Dream”:]
When I need you to be my friend
When I need favors I can depend
Whenever I want you
All I got to yell is “Ja-a-a-a-ane!”

[puts a friendly arm around Jane who smiles, wonover]

I sure think you’re fine
I say it all the time
I think that you’re a real peach!
The only trouble is
Gee whiz!
You make me sick on the beach! … [Jane’s facefalls, applause]

I need you so, I wanna die!
You got some stuff there in your eye! …
Do you wanna Kleenex? [grabs a tissue and offersit to a disgusted Jane]
Here, you can use this Kleenex, Ja-a-a-a-ane![Jane pushes the tissue away]

Jane Curtin: Good night, my little RoseanneRoseannadanna. [Roseanne wipes Jane’s cheek with thetissue, Jane slaps her hand away] That’s the news.Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Roseanne Roseannadanna: [waves into camera]Good night!

[Huge cheers and applause, cut to a wide shot of thedesk and fade.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 20

78t: Buck Henry / Bette Midler

Uncle Roy

Betty…..Jane Curtin
Uncle Roy….Buck Henry
Terri…..Laraine Newman
Tracy…..Gilda Radner
Arthur…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on interior living room, as Betty answers the door to the notorious Uncle Roy ]

Betty: Oh, Roy! Come on in! It’s good to see you! Oh, the girls are so excited that you’re babysitting for them tonight!

Uncle Roy: Hi, Betty. I hope I’m not too early.

Betty: Oh, no.. we were just getting ready to get going.

[ Terri and Tracey suddenly come running and screaming down the stairs to greet their Uncle Roy, who is just as excited to see them in return ]

Terri & Tracy: Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi!

Uncle Roy: Hello, my little darlings! Hello, my little darlings!

Betty: Well, they’re pretty excited to see you, no doubt about it! Roy, you are their favorite babysitter.

Tracy: Oh, Uncle Roy! Can we play Slide Down The Banister with Mary Poppins, and you push us down with the umbrella?

Betty: Oh, now stop being silly, Tracy! I don’t know where they get these ideas, Roy!

Uncle Roy: Now, girls, why don’t you go upstairs, and get into your little beds, and Uncle Roy will be up soon to “tuck” you in and tell you a bedtime story.

Terri: Oh! Will you tell us the story about Eddie the Eel and Debbie the Donut!

Uncle Roy: Uhhh.. I, uh.. not if you say another word, I won’t, no.

[ Terri and Tracey quickly run upstairs to get ready ]

Betty: I don’t know what your secret is!

Uncle Roy: I guess I just love children!

[ Arthur enters, dressed rather sleazy in a tan leather jacket and open dress shirt ]

Arthur: Hi there, Roy. How’s the pharmacy business treating you?

Uncle Roy: Oh, I can’t complain!

Arthur: I hope you’re not going to give me any argument over being paid tonight, now?

Uncle Roy: No, no! I wouldn’t dream of taking money for it!

Arthur: I don’t understand you, Roy! [ chuckles ] If I were still a bachelor, you’d never catch me watching a pair of brats for free.

Betty: Roy, you’re too good!

Uncle Roy: Really, it’s my pleasure! So, anyway.. what movie are you two off to tonight?

Betty: “Hair”.

Arthur: Yeah. For the second time.

Betty: You know, Roy, it really was an immoral war.

Arthur: I’ll go warm up the wagon. [ exits the house ]

Betty: Now, there’s fresh Mr. Coffee, and there’s Sara Lee in the fridge. We should be back about eleven. Okay?

Uncle Roy: Okay.

Betty: And don’t let those little monsters take advantage of you.

Uncle Roy: Oh, really.. it’s my pleasure! Have fun yourselves!

Betty: Okay!

[ Betty exits the house, as Uncle Roy carefully removes a Polaroid camera hidden inside his jacket and creeps steathily up the stairs ]

[ cut to Terri and Tracy sitting on their bed, reminiscing about nights past with Uncle Roy ]

Terri: You think Uncle Roy will let us play Invisible Leg Doctor?

Tracy: Oh, maybe. Remember when Uncle Roy played Pirate, and he was the island, and we had to search him for the buried treasure?

Terri: Yeah!

Tracy: That was fun!

Terri: And then we found candies all over him!

Tracy: Oh, that was fun, too!

[ Uncle Roy enters the bedroom, with his Polaroid camera secured around his neck ]

Terri: Oh, boy!

Uncle Roy: Yo ho ho, and a bottle of rum!

Tracy: Oh! I’m Long John Silver! I’m gonna search him for the buried treasure!

[ Tracy and Terri frantically feel all around Uncle Roy’s pockets, in a mad search for candy ]

Uncle Roy: [ ecstatically ] Search me! Search me! Search me! Look everywhere! Keep looking!

Terri: [ squealing happily ] I found an Almond Joy!

Uncle Roy: Keep looking, me hardies! you haven’t found the Mounds yet!

[ the girls continue to feel up Uncle Roy’s pockets ]

Tracy: Here it is! Here it is! I found it! I found it!

Uncle Roy: Okay, okay! now, who wants to play “Simon Says”?

Terri & Tracy: Me!! Me!! Me!! Me!!

Uncle Roy: Okay. Now.. Simon Says.. “Touch your nose.”

[ the girls touch their noses ]

Uncle Roy: Simon Says.. “Touch your toes.”

[ the girls touch their toes ]

Uncle Roy: Simon Says.. “Touch the hem of your nighties.”

[ the girls touch the hem of their nighties ]

Uncle Roy: Simon Says.. “Grab onto the hem, and raise your arms!”

[ the girls grab the hems of their nighties and raise their arms, though not very high ]

Uncle Roy: Higher! Higher!

Tracy: You forgot to say “Simon Says!”

Uncle Roy: Oh! Simon says, “Higher! Higher!”

[ the girls raise their nighties high enough to please Uncle Roy, revealing their panties; Uncle Roy quickly snaps a few Polaroids and stuffs them into his pocket before the girls catch on ]

Terri: Hey, Uncle Roy, we can’t eat our candy bars with our nighties over our heads..

Uncle Roy: Okay, okay.. Simon Says, “Put your nighties slowly down.”

[ the girls lower their nighties slowly, catching Uncle Roy digging through their dirty laundry basket and holding a couple pairs of soiled panties ]

Tracy: Oh, we played Laundry Inspector last time! Can’t we play a new game?

Uncle Roy: Oh! Oh, yes! Yes! I’m sorry..

Terri: Hey! Look at me! I’m a rubber lady in the circus! Look! [ lays on her back, and bends her legs up in the air ]

Uncle Roy: Ohhh, I’m looking! [ snaps a quick Polaroid ]

Tracy: Uncle Roy, I’m a lion! [ growls ferociously ]

Terri: And I’m a tiger!

Uncle Roy: And I’m the lion tamer! [ slyly suggestive ] I sure hope these ferocious jungle cats don’t turn on me right this second and jump on top of me!

[ naturally, to Uncle Roy’s sheer delight, the girls begin to jump on top of him, crawling all over him and play-biting his legs ]

Uncle Roy: Ohh, the pain! Ohh, it hurts! Ohhh!

Terri: Uncle Roy. You promised to tell us a story..

Tracy: Yeah..

Uncle Roy: Oh, oh.. well, no story until you’re tucked in. So, climb into bed, so Uncle Roy can start tucking!

[ the girls quickly jump into their beds ]

Tracy: Oh, tuck me in first, Uncle Roy.

Uncle Roy: Okay. Now, just settle down for the night! [ tucks Tracy into bed by grabbing at her under her blanket ] It’s time for you both to get tucked in! [ tucks Terri into bed by grabbing at her under her blanket ]

Terri: [ laughing ] That tickles!

Tracy: Come on, we want our story!

Terri: Yeah!

Uncle Roy: Well.. did I ever tell you the story of the.. wicked Tickle Maniac?

Terri: [ giggling ] No!

Tracy: Tell us!

Uncle Roy: “Once upon a time, in the kingdom of Ickle Pickle, there lived a wicked Tickle Maniac, who tickled so many little girls, that the judge sentenced him to Tickle jail. But he escaped, and went into a rampage throughout the kingdom, and there was only one thing little girls like you could do to stop him.”

Tracy: What’s that, Uncle Roy?

Uncle Roy: Get their little jump ropes, and tie him up! [ the girls don’t move ] Oh, no! I feel a.. tickle fit coming on!

Terri: Oh, no!

Tracy: We better get our jump ropes out!

[ the girls quickly jump out of bed and grab their jump ropes ]

Uncle Roy: Oh! I hope they’re gonna tie me up with their little jump ropes! Oh! Oh!

[ the girls raise Uncle Roy’s arms to the end of each of their bedposts, and tie him tightly to it ]

Uncle Roy: Oh! Next, they’ll be beating me, and hitting me with things!

[ the girls are satisfied with their efforts to tie Uncle Roy to the bedposts ]

Uncle Roy: “What Terri and Tracey didn’t realize was, that the wicked Tickle Maniac could still cry out for help, because they forgot to put their little socks in his mouth and secure them with their little pink ballet tights!”

Tracy: We can do that!

[ the girls quickly grab their socks and pink ballet tights, and stuff them in and around Uncle Roy’s mouth ]

Terri: Here!

Tracy: There you go! Wow, at last, the kingdom is saved!

Terri: Yeah! Now, we can fall asleep in peace!

Tracy: Yeah!

[ the lights go out ]

Tracy: Good night, Terri!

Terri: Good night, Tracey!

Together: Good night, Uncle Roy!

Uncle Roy: [ says “Good night”, but it comes out muffled ]

[ dissolve to wide shot of the set, audience, etc. ]

[ SUPER: “Coming up next: Disco Mafiosa” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts