Month: October 2018

A Frightening Tale: Season 44 Episode 3

Eric: …..Beck Bennett

Man…..Alex Moffat

Brandon…..Seth Meyers

Woman 1…..Heidi Gardner

Woman 2…..Melissa Villaseñor

Connor…..Kyle Mooney

[ There is a campfire with marshmallows roasting on a stick. The screen reads, ‘A Frightening Tale’ in bloody red letters as a deep creepy voice says, “A frightening tale”. ]

[ Five people sit in the dark around a campfire in the woods. A couple of them are roasting marshmallows.]

Eric: It’s the man with the claw!!!

Woman 1: Ahhhhhhh!

Eric: Ha ha ha.

Woman 2: Man, I can’t believe scary stories still work on me.

Woman 1: What about you Brandon? Do you got any good ones?

Brandon: Maybe we should just, turn in.

Man: Oh come on, man.

Woman 1: It’d be very nice to hear a story if you got one, Brandon.

Brandon: Fine. You want to be scared? I got a story. Only thing is it’s not a story. It’s real. And it happened to me. About two years ago, when I was still at the ad agency. I got a call from my dad.

Eric: What’d he say say?

Brandon: He asked me if I could get a coffee, with his friend’s son.

Man: Well, that’s no big deal. Right?

Brandon: A 22-year old, recent college grad, and aspiring filmmaker.

[ Everyone around the campfire listening to Brandon screams. ]

Woman 1: So did you do it?

Brandon: Yep. His name was Connor. And he had a lot to say.

[ Cut to the coffee shop where Brandon is sitting with Connor. ]

Connor: What’s with movies these days? Everything is just a reboot, franchise, or sequel? Hollywood has no original ideas. It’s always guy meets girl. Girl dumps guy. Guy gets back with girl. That’s why when I make my movies, things are actually going to be different. Trust me.

Brandon: Right.

[ Cut back to the campfire circle. ]

Eric: So his take was that basic?

Brandon: Exactly. But like he was the first person who ever said it.

Woman 2: How long were you there?

Brandon: Two and a half hours. He really wanted to break down the state of the industry.

[ Cut back to the coffee shop with Connor. ]

Connor: CGI. Since when is every movie based on a video game? Or a frickin’ roller coaster. It’s like ‘Hello Hollywood, can you actually make something about real people?’ That’s why for my movies they should have a warning that plays before it that says ‘This movie might actually make you think’. I really like talking to you.

[ Cut back to the campfire. Woman 2 is crying with her face in her hands. ]

Eric: Hold on, this is crazy! He had a backup plan, right?

Brandon: No, just film.

Woman 2: Did he have any ideas? Like did he tell what his movies were going to be about?

Brandon: Oh yeah. He had an idea.

[ Cut back to the coffee shop with Connor. ]

Connor: Dude, this should be a movie. Just like you and me talking about movies. That’s what real life is.

[ Cut back to the campfire. Eric screams. ]

Woman 1: Then you left, right?

Brandon: I tried. But that’s when he said, man….

[ Cut back to the coffee shop with Connor. ]

Connor: Hey, cool if I get your number?

[ Cut back to the campfire. Woman is flailing her arms. ]

Woman 1: STOP!

Woman 2: Did he ever call you?

Brandon: No. No, no, no. He texted. [ He pulls out his cell phone to reveal a full page of texts from Connor. ]

Voiceover of Connor: 3D, dude, hurts my eyes. [ The people around the campfire start screaming. The man vomits. ] Dammit, popcorn’s so expensive. Kinda feels like TV is the new movies. [ Brandon starts scrolling through the texts with his finger. ] Happy Thanksgiving brother.

Woman 1: There are so many!

Eric: But he has to leave you alone eventually, right? He can’t just keep texting you and trying to pick your brain forever?

Brandon: No, he stays with me. Unless I can introduce him to someone else he can talk to. That’s how the curse works.

Eric: You’re not gonna do that, right?

Brandon: I’m so sorry.

Eric: No! [ A hand reaches down onto Eric’s shoulder. ]

[ Connor is now standing behind Eric at the campfire. ]

Connor: Hey, man, Eric. Right? You remember my podcast? We talked about classic Hollywood film.

Eric: Noooooooo!

Jail Cellmate: Season 44 Episode 3

Guard…..Chris Redd

Prisoner…..Seth Meyers

Bill Cosby…..Kenan Thompson

[ Image of a prison yard. A guard’s voice is heard. ]

Guard voiceover: “Open Cell 517. New Prisoner. Good luck new fish”. ]

[ Cut to a jail cell. The prisoner is entering the cell holding his blankets. Bill Cosby sits on the lower bunk in the shadows. ]

Cosby: Ah, don’t listen to them. They’ve been here so long they don’t know what it means to be human.

Prisoner: Thanks so what are you in here for?

Cosby: You don’t ask a man that in here. You put your head down, keep to your business.

Prisoner: Wow. Old-timer. You really know the ropes. I’ve never done time before. This friggin’ sucks.

[ Bill Cosby stands up out of the shadow. He can now be seen to resemble Bill Cosby. He speaks in a voice like Bill Cosby, too. ]

Cosby: Hey! You don’t come in here with your filth and your foul foul filth. You need to get a job.

Guard: Hey, Cosby, keep it down. This is the tenth warning. And you’ve only been here four days. Lights on!

Prisoner: Wow! Bill Cosby, I mean, on behalf of every one of your fans, it is so disappointing to be meeting you now.

Cosby: What!? I am in my prime. I’m in jail and lovin’ it. No kids with the darndest things. Limited interactions with Camille. And when I was fighting incarceration, I had no idea that one of the staple foods of the prison system is Jell-O.

Prisoner: I know we are cell mates or whatever. But I really hope you’re not enjoying prison, Mr. Cosby.

Cosby: Dr Cosby. Young people.

Prisoner: I’m not a…I’m 43.

Cosby: You know I want to talk to the young black men in this jail. I’m gonna tell them with no guards present, that they chose to wear the pants around the b-u-t-t, half of their drawers hanging out. And they should be in jail!

Prisoner: I would be super interested in seeing you do that.

Cosby: Well, thank you. I’m going to need a folding chair, a sweat suit, and a headset microphone.

[ The guard enters the room. He is on the other side of the bars of the cell. ]

Guard: Okay inmates. On your feet. We are searching cells.

Cosby: Oh okay, kemosabe. We need to hide some things.

Prisoner: What do you got in there? Drugs?

Cosby: Worse! [ Cosby pulls out a two-foot long deli sandwich. ] Oh hello, my beloved!

Prisoner: Wow, so you really eat huge hoagies?

Cosby: Well not anymore. They put me in jail for loving salty foods.

Prisoner: That’s not why you’re in jail.

Cosby: And now everybody on TV is the burping and saying the flip off, or flip you. Quick! I dug a hoagie tunnel behind this poster of Dizzy GIllespie.

[ Cosby brings the hoagie over to the wall where there is an upside down poster of Animal from the Muppets. ]

Prisoner: Uh, I think you’re eyesight is bad. That’s Animal from The Muppets and it’s upside down.

Cosby: Don’t worry, you’ll be safe in here Denise. [ He pulls back the poster to reveal a hole in the wall and throws the hoagie into the hole. ]

Prisoner: Wait. You dug that tunnel in four days?

Cosby: That’s right. I got two spoons and I went [ He scats like Bill Cosby would. ]

Prisoner: Wow! You are just like Cliff Huxtable except in just one major way.

[ Cosby pulls out a live turtle. ]

Cosby: You have to help me hide this guy. He’s all I have.

Prisoner: I almost feel bad for you. You’re an old man going blind and all you have is a pet turtle.

Cosby: Turtle?! I thought this was Quincy Jones. Quince? You’re gonna sit there and lie to my face? [ He nods the turtle up and down. ]

Prisoner: I wanna switch cells!

Cosby: Oh you fool. How come everytime I try to mentor someone, it ends up turning on me.

Prisoner: Can I ask you something? And this is going to come out way meaner than I intend. But have you considered just dying?

Cosby: Well, I can’t. My love of dancing is on the defibrillator. Everytime I almost die, I just.. [ He starts to scat and to dance mocking the way Bill Cosby is known to dance. ] myself back to life.

Prisoner: What aren’t you getting about this situation? Because you seem genuinely happy and it’s terrifying.

Cosby: Well, I have my regrets. In fact, I want you to deliver this letter if you get out before me. It’s to an old friend.

Prisoner: It says: ‘Hey Elvin, I heard you work down at the Trader Joe’s. Send me a tub of those pretzels with the peanut butter and put a crowbar inside.

Cosby: I’m busting out! I got Woody Allen to drive the getaway car. Between the two of us, we got one working eyeball. Give me some skin. [ He puts his hand out for a high five. ]

Prisoner: No.

Cosby: Skin it. [ He keeps holding his hand out. ]

Prisoner: No, I’m not gonna skin it. I would normally have some small amount of sympathy for an eighty-year old man being sent to prison, but you damaged countless lives. Maybe you should forget about who you think you are and face what you actually did.

Cosby: Hmm. [ He puts his hand on his chin to indicate that he is thinking. ] Theo!

Prisoner: Not my name.

Cosby: That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. Applause. You are afraid to study. I am your father and I will kill you.

[ The guard enters the room again. ]

Guard: Damnit Cosby! Stop quoting classic episodes. Open cell 517. [ The cell door opens. ]

Prisoner: Hey seriously, can I switch cells? Like, does this prison have solitary?

Guard: Oh yeah, we have solitary. Right, this way. [ The guard leads the prisoner out of the cell, and they walk off stage. ]

Cosby: So long, Jack! Four days down, and I got the house to myself.

[ Smooth jazz begins to play. Cosby does a ‘cosby’ dance and sits down in the recliner in his jail cell. ]

[ The camera zooms in on the turtle, and a voiceover speaks from the turtle’s perspective: “So what did we learn tonight? Not much. But it doesn’t matter how old you are. If you got friends and music, you can get a groove going. And I am in fact, Quincy Jones. ]

[ Cut to the image of the prison yard. ]

Weekend Update: Really!?! with Seth Meyers, Colin Jost, and Michael Che: Season 44 Episode 3

…..Colin Jost

…..Michael Che

…..Seth Meyers

[ Colin Jost is sitting at the news desk. An image of Trump and Kanye West shaking hands is over Colin’s right shoulder. ]

Colin Jost: Well. President Donald Trump met with Kanye West in the Oval Office this week, which brings us to a segment we call: [ Cut to Title Image read by Colin. ] ‘Really!?! With Seth, Colin, and Michael’.

[ Cut to Colin and Michael sitting at the news desk. Seth slides in on his chair and sits between them. ]

Seth Meyers: Woohoo!

Colin: Yeah!

[ Seth pats Colin and Michael on the back and then kisses the news desk. ]

Seth: Let’s do this!

Colin: Woo!

Seth: So! Trump met Kanye in the Oval Office? Really!?! Don’t you have better things to do? And by the way when I say that, I’m not really sure which of you I’m talking to. The only place those two should meet is in group. It should be in a basement of a church and dude with an earring and a leather bracelet should be saying, “I’m so glad you both decided to come back”. I mean really!

Colin: And really, you could tell a lot by how each of them prepared for the meeting. Kanye prepared by learning every fact in the world backwards. While Trump prepared by clearing his desk of any valuables.

[ Cut to image of Trump at his desk in the Oval Office, sitting across from Kanye West, surrounded the press. The desk is completely clear of any items aside from two telephones. ]

[ Cut back to the SNL news desk. ]

Michael Che: You know, I negotiated four ‘n’ words this entire season in my new contract. That’s true. So I just wanna know, how much money does this Nigga owe in taxes?

[ A bell dings and 4 ‘N’s appear as an image below the news desk, one red X over the first ‘N’. ]

Seth: I was here for 12 years and Lorne never even gave me one ‘n’ word.

Michael: Really?

Seth: Really! Probably for the best. And really, you know how crazy Thursday at the White House was? Kid Rock was also there, and no one cared. It was almost a relief to hear someone as reasonable as Kid Rock was in the White House. You know how hard it is to make someone like Kid Rock seem like the adult in the room? His first name is Kid.

Colin: And really Kanye, now do you really think Donald Trump is your friend? After the meeting, he called you, a very different kind of guy. That is not a compliment, man. That’s what you call someone when you want to call them a word you can’t say any more. Like, hey, that Forrest Gump sure is a different kind of guy.

Seth: Really! And then Kanye ran behind the desk and hugged Trump and said, “I love this guy right here.” Really, look at this photo. [ Cut to image of Kanye hugging Trump, both smiling. Kanye is wearing a red ‘Make America Great Again’ hat. ] Man, it is so rare that you can see black people and white supremacists betrayed in the exact same moment. [ Cut back to the news desk. ] Really.

Michael: You know, I actually get a lot of what Kanye was trying to say. It sounds like somebody told him something really smart and he just retold it really really wrong. Like when I was a kid and the landlord showed up, and my mother would say, “Tell him I’m not here.” And then I’d say, “My momma said she’s not here.” That’s Kanye.

Seth: Really. Yeah, you know for an egomaniac, Kanye talks a lot about Trump. The fact that he wore a Trump hat to meet Trump is so thirsty. I mean I didn’t wear Yeezys when I met Kanye because I didn’t want to look desperate. And no one would sell me Yeezys.

Colin: And really look it’s really pretty simple. Kanye wants to be Trump’s famous friend because Obama called Kanye a jackass. And if the President of the United States called you a jackass, you’d go ‘You know who I like, the next President’. So in a way Obama is to blame for all of this, the same way Seth is to blame for making fun of Trump so much that he decided to become President.

Seth: Wait, really?

Colin: Yeah, we think that.

Seth: Really, people really think that?

[ Michael and Colin both nod their heads. ]

Michael: Oh yeah.

[ Cut back to the title image. ]

Announcer: This has been ‘Really!?! With Seth, Colin, and Michael’.

Seth Meyers Monologue: Season 44 Episode 3

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

…..Seth Meyers

[ Camera pans to the SNL stage where the house band is playing the theme music. ]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Seth Meyers.

[ Seth walks onto the stage smiling and claps along with the audience. ]

Seth Meyers: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much, everyone. It is so exciting to be back at SNL. I worked at this show for over 12 years. I loved it. I love being here. Leaving it was incredibly hard. I cried on my last show and then for real took a job down the hall. The Late Night studio is 100 yards that way. I had an emotional breakdown and then basically moved from Rachel and Monica’s apartment to Joey and Chandler’s apartment, which was very emotional or Rachel. So there is precedent. But this place still means so much to me because so many people who worked here are my dear friends.

There were over 100 people at my wedding from this show. I love them all so much. I love Andy Samberg so much, I named my two boys, Dick and Box. And surprisingly, Box is the troublemaker. Dick is a little gentleman. This place makes memories flood back, For example, the cold open was about Donald Trump and Kanye West. I was here when DOnald Trump hosted in 2004. He played my father in a sketch. Let’s take a look.

[ Cut to an image of Seth Meyers sitting on a couch with Donald Trump during a sketch from 2004. ]

Seth Meyers: There you go. Most people who have pictures of themselves with Presidents, get them framed. I did not. And then Kanye. So, a lot of people are surprised that Kanye supports Donald Trump. But I am not, because I have met Kanye. And I am incapable of being surprised by him.

Here is a true story about Kanye West. And let me preface it by saying that I am a huge Kanye West fan. When I was here, no one did more memorable performances than Kanye West. One time, he was the musical guest but we heard that he wanted to do a sketch. So we pitched him a sketch where he would interrupt different award show speeches saying that he made a mistake and he should have won. And Kanye said that’s hilarious because I do that. Which is good self awareness. And so we did the sketch. We had Kanye interrupt the Kids Choice Awards, the Nobel Prize. He interrupted a State Fair because he was upset his pumpkin didn’t win. Fantastic, a great experience.

But here’s the thing. Here’s the reason I will never be surprised by Kanye West. That sketch was in 2007 and he interrupted Taylor Swift in 2009. That whole time I was telling you that story, you thought it was based on him interrupting Taylor Swift. That hadn’t happened yet. Kanye did a sketch about how crazy it was he interrupted speeches, and then two years later he was at an award show and thought, ‘I should do it again’. So when people say are your surprised that Kanye supports Trump, I say ‘No.’ And, look, I don’t usually get to say this, but my first five years were so hard. I was trying to fit it and I was always worried I wouldn’t make it. Five years of constant terror. And that is the truth.

And after that, I got Weekend Update with Amy Poehler. And I sat at a desk that was placed right here on this stage. And I was lucky enough to be head writer. And after that, I was happy every single second that I spent here. And now that I am back, so is the terror. But also the joy. So thank you so much for letting me do this. It’s an honor. We got a great show. Paul Simon is here tonight, everybody! So stick around, and w’ll be right back!

Coffee Shop: Season 44 Episode 1

Coffee Representative…..Mikey Day

Female 1…..Ego Nwodim

Male 1…..Beck Bennett

Male 2…..Adam Driver

Female 2…..Cecily Strong

Female 3…..Heidi Gardner

Male 3…..Chris Redd

Barista…..Melissa Villaseñor

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

[ Opens with a family walking up to a Domenico’s Coffee Shop. ]

[ Cut to inside the coffee shop where there is a marketing representative walking around three tables with three couples sitting and tasting coffee. ]

Coffee Rep: So how are you all enjoying the Domenico’s new coffee drink?

Female 1: I love it!

Male 1: This Americano is delicious.

Male 2: Now I say to the day I die, Domenico’s knows coffee.

Female 2: Yeah, I’m a bit of a coffee snob and I have to say Domenico’s nailed it.

Female 3: Yeah, they really did.

Coffee Rep: Well, I’m glad you folks feel that way. Because what if I told you that the delicious coffee drinks you’re sipping on aren’t actually from a specialty coffee shop?

Male 2: Heh, heh, heh. What?

Female 2: What’s happening?

Coffee Rep: But, they’re actually coffee from Burger King’s..

[ Three Burger King workers walk out carrying Burger King coffees in to-go containers. ]

Female 2: No!

Coffee Rep: New Cafe Gourmet!

Female 2: No!

Coffee Rep: BK Joe Coffee!

Male 2: What the hell?

Female 3: Woah, this coffee is from Burger King?

Male 3: Well damn, I guess I’ll be going to Burger King a lot more often.

Male 2: Well hold the phone brother, because I guess I just don’t get it. You’re telling me that I was just drinking a delicious cup of Domenico’s coffee with my new wife, then a bunch of puds walk out with burger coffee. Now you’re telling me we were drinking BK Joe the whole time. I, I guess I just don’t get it.

Coffee Rep: Well you actually do get it. Because that is exactly what just happened. And you’re not alone. Nine out of ten customers say they can’t tell the difference between BK Joe and the fancy stuff.

Female 2: But I can tell, and this is Domenico’s.

Coffee Rep: But the fun thing is that you actually drank BK Joe.

Female 2: Well, probably everyone else’s was a BK Joe. But mine wasn’t. I’m a Domenico’s girl.

Male 2: My new wife is a Domenico’s girl.

Coffee Rep: Okay sure, but that coffee is BK Joe. And get this, it costs just a $1.99.

Male 2: $1.99, you better take that back you pervert.

Coffee Rep: Woah, sir. There is no need for that.

Male 2: You fed my wife this garbage? Huh, this burger juice? How dare you? The day after our wedding.

Male 1: You came here the day after your wedding?

Female 2: Baby, I can’t believe I drank that burger coffee. I think I’m going to be sick. Baby, give me your purse.

[ Male 2 grabs his purse and hands it to female 2. ]

Male 2: Alright.

[ Female 2 begins to gag and stick out her tongue over the purse. ]

Coffee Rep: Wait, I’m sorry. Do you guys think that the coffee is made from burgers? Cause it’s not. It just comes from Burger King.

Male 2: Excuse me. Burger King! What happened to BK Joe? Alright be real with me brother. Are you BK Joe? Is he BK? [ He points to Male 3. ] Because I know it’s not her. [ He points to female 3. ]

Female 3: What?

Coffee Rep: BK Joe is not a person.

Female 2: Why should we trust anything you say? You lied about everything else. Oh, let me guess. This isn’t even Domenico’s coffee.

Coffee Rep: It’s not! I’ve said that several times.

Male 1: I’ll Krav Maga you right now. You know I know Krav Maga. Try me BK.

Female 2: Babe, babe, babe. What about the Batista? Is the batista real?

Female 1: Okay, I think you mean Barista.

Male 2: Batista, are you even real?

Barista: I am a paid actor but I did used to work at a Starbucks.

Male 2: As what a clown? Cause that’s what you are.

Female 2: Okay, I know why you’re all doing this. You’re jealous of me. You’ve been jealous of me since the second I walked into this Domenico’s. Because you could never get a man like this. I can’t go through this again, not at a Domenico’s.

Coffee Rep: Ma’am, Domenico’s is not a real place. This was a set built for a shoot.

Female 3: You know what, I don’t care where this coffee came from. I love it.

Female 2: Okay, look, I’m telling you this only because I’m honestly the nicest and most honest person here. But when you say that, you sound poor.

Female 3: Excuse me.

Female 2: You sound desperate you sound poor. And when this movie comes out, you’re going to want to kill yourself. I’m just trying to be nice.

Coffee Rep: I’m sorry you think this is a movie? For burger King?

Male 2: You see this Biscootie cookie? [ He picks up the Biscotti cookie and breaks it in half. ] This is you. Ah, now you know I know Krav maga.

Female 2: Oh my God, that got me so horned up baby. I love you so much.

Male 2: I love you, too. I’ll kill for you.

Female 2: And you will.

[ Male 2 and female 2 begin to kiss. Female 2 repeatedly says ‘Mmm’ each time their lips touch. ]

Coffee Rep: Oh, Jesus. [ They continue to kiss. Female 2 making ‘mmm’ noises and creepy giggles. ] Well, it feels like we’re not going to be able to use any of this footage so you can all go home. Thank you.

Male 2: Alright, come on baby. Let’s go. [ Male 2 and female 2 begin to exit the coffee shop together. ]

Female 2: Okay, baby don’t forget your purse. Can we stop by Burger King, I hear they have Domenico’s now.

[ Cut to Burger King BK Joe advertisement image. ]

Announcer: Brought to you by BK Joe from Burger King. BK is Burger king and Joe is coffee.

 

Kavanaugh Hearing Cold Open: Season 44 Episode 1

Harris Faulkner (Fox News)…..Leslie Jones

Mr. Grassley…..Alex Moffat

Mrs. Feinstein…..Cecily Strong

Hon. Brett M. Kavanaugh…..Matt Damon

Rachel Mitchell…..Aidy Bryant

Sen. Amy Klobuchar…..Rachel Dratch

Thom Tillis…..Mikey Day

Sen. Cory Booker…..Chris Redd

Sen. John Kennedy…..Kyle Mooney

Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse…..Pete Davidson

Mr. Hatch…..Beck Bennett

Mr. Graham…..Kate McKinnon

[ Fox News Alert opening sequence. ]

[ Cut to Harris Faulkner sitting at the news desk. ]

Harris Faulkner: Hello. I’m Harris Faulkner. And we are halfway through the Kavanaugh hearing. It’s special coverage at the Fox News we’re calling, “Wuh Oh!”Judge Kavanaugh himself is about to appear, so let’s go live to the Senate hearing room where two of the oldest white people I’ve ever seen are about to run a circus.

[ Cut to the Senate Hearing Room. There is a banging of a judge’s mallet. ]

Mr. Grassley: Order, Order. We are calling this meeting back to order. This hearing back to order.

Mrs. Feinstein: That’s right, we’re back from lunch. I had soup.

Mr. Grassley: And I had soup as well. It was too hot. Now we just heard some very moving testimony from Dr. Ford. I listened to her and I kept a very open mind and that is why I already voted yes for Kavanaugh before she said a word. Now we’ve heard from the alleged victim, but now it’s time to hear from the hero, Judge Brett Kavanaugh. Who I’m told has been shadowboxed in the men’s room for the last 45 minutes. Judge Kavanaugh!

[ Judge Kavanaugh’s seat is empty. He enters the room and takes a seat. He is consistently sniffing. ]

Kavanaugh: WHAT!

Mr. Grassley: Judge Kavanaugh, are you ready to begin?

Kavanaugh: Oh, hell yeah! Let me tell you this, I’m gonna start at an eleven. I’m going to take it to about a fifteen real quick. First of all, I showed this speech to almost no one. Not my family, not my friends, not even P.J. or Tobin or Squee. This is my speech. There are others like it, but this is mine. I wrote it last night while screaming into an empty bag of Doritos. I’m here tonight because of a sham, a political con job, orchestrated by the Clinton’s and George Soros and Kathy Griffin and Mr. Ronan Sinatra. Now I am usually an optimist. I’m a keg is half full kind of guy. BUt what I’ve seen from the monsters on this committee makes me want to puke and not from beer. Dr. Ford has no evidence, none! Meanwhile, I’ve got these. [ Kavanaugh shows his calendar to the hearing room. ] I’ve got these calendars. [ Kavanaugh begins to force a cry between his words. ] These beautiful creepy calendars about lifting weights with P.J. and Squee and Donkey Dong Doug. [ He puts the calendar down. ] But you don’t care about Squee or Donkey Dong Doug, do you? You just want to humiliate me in front of my wife, and my parents, and Alyssa frickin’ Milano. [ A cardboard cut out of Alyssa Milano pokes out behind Kavanaugh. ] Well guess what? I’m not backing down, you sons of bitches. I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘stop’. To quote my hero, Clint Eastwood’s character in “Gran Torino”, ‘Get the hell off my lawn!’ Now let’s do this!

Mr. Grassley: Okay. Well, I’m hard as hell. Senator Feinstein, you want to fight this monkey first?

Mrs. Feinstein: Judge Kavanaugh, [ Cut to Kavanaugh drinking a glass of water and spilling it all over his face. ] are you saying that all that all the claims of Mrs. Ford, Mrs. Ramirez, and Mrs. Swetnick are false?

Kavanaugh: Ha! Uh, doy! [ Kavanaugh pours himself some more water. ]

Mrs. Feinstein: Then if you have nothing to hide, would you agree to an independent FBI investigation into the allegations?

Kavanaugh: Asked and answered. I wanted a hearing the next day. The next day.

Mrs. Feinstein: Okay, that in no way answers my question. Would you agree to an FBI investigation?

Kavanaugh: You want a real investigation. Then just look at my calendars. And you’re going to see that very night I Was lifting weight P.J. and Squee and Handsy HAnk and Gangbang Greg. Which you know the liberal media is going to find some way to spin.

Mrs. Feinstein: Okay, can we vote now?

Mr. Grassley: No, no. Senator Hatch.

Mr. Hatch: I just want to point out that democrats in this committee have acted like cowards. Now if you excuse me I would like to hide behind the female prosecutor we hired as a human shield.

Rachel Mitchell: Okay. So, hi. I’ve got about 4,000 loose papers on this weird little baby desk that they set up for me here. Okay. Now okay first of all, hello, my name is Rachel Mitchell. I’m here mostly for Twitter. And although everyone will constantly be referring to me as female prosecutor, you can really just call me straight up prosecutor. Okay. Now before we begin…

[ Mr. Grassley bangs his mallet interrupting Rachel. ]

Mr. Grassley: Okay, you’re time is up.

Rachel Mitchell: Okay, wow, I’m already regretting this.

Mr. Grassley: Senator Klobuchar.

Klobuchar: Okay, okay. Here we go. Now Judge Kavanaugh would you say in high school that you were a frequent drinker?

Kavanaugh: Look, I like beer. Okay. I like beer. Boys like beer. Girls like beer. I like beer. I like beer!

Klobuchar: Okay, so I asked if you drank in high school and you said, ‘I like beer’ ten times. That leads me to the next question. Did you ever drink too many beers?

Kavanaugh: You mean, was I cool? Yeah. [ Kavanaugh continues to drink water and spills it on himself. ]

Klobuchar: Alright. Alright. Then tell me this, Judge, did you ever drink so much that you blacked out?

Kavanaugh: I don’t know. Did you? Huh? Huh? Huh? Did you ever blackout?

Klobuchar: Excuse me?

Kavanaugh: Sorry, I didn’t mean it. I think I just blacked out for a second.

Klobuchar: I accept your apology, Judge. Can I just ask…[ Alyssa Milano cardboard pokes out behind Klobuchar. ] Is Alyssa Milano behind me? She is just so good at finding her lens.

Mr. Grassley: Order, order! Senator Tillis.

Tillis: Thank you. I would also like to yield my time to the female assistant. Or sorry, do you prefer stewardess?

Rachel: Oh okay, I cannot believe I flew here on Southwest for this. Um, okay now Judge Kavanaugh, do you have the definition of sexual behavior in front of you?

Kavanaugh: Yeah!

Rachel: Okay could you please read it to yourself and while you do could you please look at the piece of paper like you hate it? And could you also squint and make your mouth into the tiniest little mouth we have ever seen?

[ Kavanaugh looks at the paper squinting and puckering his lips. ]

Kavanaugh: Okay, I read it.

Rachel: Okay now having read it could you…

[ Mr. Grassley bangs his mallet interrupting Rachel again. ]

Mr. Grassley: Time!

Rachel: Oh okay. Very cool.

Mr. Grassley: Senator Booker, are you ready to speak?

Booker: I will not dignify this hearing with words. I will just show you one expression I call the ‘Booker look’. [ Booker makes an exaggerated sad face and shakes his head in disapproval. ]

Mr. Grassley: Okay, thank you Senator Booker. Senator Kennedy from Louisiana.

Kennedy: Judge Kavanaugh, I only have one question for you. Look me in the eye, in front of God, and I want you to answer honestly. That beer you like to drink, are we talking foreign or domestic?

Kavanaugh: I drink American Beer.

Kennedy: You ain’t drinking Heineken on us?

Kavanaugh: I drink American beer!

Kennedy: No further questions! This guy checks out. I give the rest of my time to Miss Frizzle.

Rachel: Okay, now I gotta make this quick…

[ Mr. Grassley bangs his mallet. ]

Mr. Grassley: Time!

Rachel: Damnit. Damnit.

Mr. Grassley: Senator Whitehouse!

Whitehouse: Yeah, I’d just like to ask Judge Kavanaugh about his yearbook.

Kavanaugh: Oh yearbook. We’re talking about a yearbook right now.

Whitehouse: Uh, Judge Kavanaugh, what is ‘boofing’?

Kavanaugh: It was flatulence. I was 16.

Whitehouse: Can you use ‘boof’ in a sentence?

Kavanaugh: Sure. I passed out from drinking but then I boofed so loud, I woke myself up.

Whitehouse: Okay, what about ‘Devil’s Triangle’?

Kavanaugh: It’s a drinking game.

Whitehouse: Okay, ‘Eskimo Brothers’?

Kavanaugh: Drinking game.

Whitehouse: ‘Eiffel Tower’ with Dougie One Nut?

Kavanaugh: That was a possible trip to France that didn’t pan out.

Whitehouse: Judge Kavanaugh, my staff just googled all these terms and they’re clearly referring to sex.

Kavanaugh: Well that’s impossible because I didn’t have sex for many, many, many years. Many years. All I did was drink, a lot, and not think about having sex at all. I was the proudest, drunkest, virgin you’ve ever seen. And everyone can relate to that.

[ Mr. Graham bangs his fist on the desk. ]

Mr. Graham: I object.

[ Mr. Grassley bangs his mallet. ]

Mr. Grassley: Lindsey Graham.

Mr. Graham: I object. That’s right. [ He points his finger and shakes it. ] I have been waiting to yell and shake my finger and get rid of this tomato for 15 minutes. And I know I’m supposed to shut up because I am single white male 5’10”, uncut. But I will not shut up, because this is a bunch of c-r-a-p crap! This ain’t no trial. This ain’t no due process. You know what this is Judge Kavanaugh, you know what this is?

Kavanaugh: Is this a real question?

Mr. Graham: This is hell! That’s what it is. It’s hell. [ He keeps pointing and exaggerating his pointing. ] Is this hell to you, Judge Kavanaugh?

Kavanaugh: Well, it’s pretty bad.

Mr. Graham: It is hell! And for what? You don’t just be Bill Cosby and suddenly you’re not Bill Cosby anymore.

Kavanaugh: Okay well you don’t, you don’t have to compare me to Bill Cosby.

Mr. Graham: No, no. You are him. You are him. Imagine this man in handcuffs like Bill Cosby.

Kavanaugh: Just please stop saying Bill Cosby.

Mr. Graham: You put this man on Supreme Court now! No vote, no discussion. You give him a damn robe and you let him do whatever the hell he wants. Because this right now, this is my audition for Mr. Trump’s cabinet. And also for a regional production of ‘The Crucible’. And let me tell you, queen, I was good.

Mr. Grassley: Alright. [ He bangs his mallet. ] Alright. [ He bangs his mallet again. ] Alright, I think we’ve heard more than enough. Ranking member Feinstein, would you like to say something in closing?

Mrs. Feinstein: I just have one final question for Judge Kavanaugh. After all of this, do you really think you have the right demeanor and temperament to be a Supreme Court Justice?

[ Kavanaugh turns two pages of paper with force. ]

Kavanaugh: I went to Yale! I work my butt off to get here. I busted my buns. I lifted weights. Every day [ He begins to cry. ] with Tobin, and P.J., and Squee. And Donkey Dong Doug. And yeah, we had a couple thousand beers along the way. Especially my good friend, Mark Judge, who can’t remember huge chunks of his life, but is my key witness. So am I angry, you’re damn right. But if you think I’m angry now, you just wait till I get on that Supreme Court cause then you’re all gonna pay. Give me a can of water. [ He shotguns a can of water. ] And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

80’s Party: Season 44 Episode 1

Hank…..Mikey Day

Fenster…..Adam Driver

Frat Guy 1 (Andrew Gucherman)…..Beck Bennett

Frat guy 2…..Chris Redd

Sorority Girl 1…..Ego Nwodim

Sorority Girl 2…..Cecily Strong

Sorority Girl 3…..Aidy Bryant

Frat guy 3…..Pete Davidson

Frat guy 4…..Alex Moffat

Sorority Girl 4…..Heidi Gardner

Sorority Girl 5…..Melissa Villaseñor

[ Image of the front of a Frat House with a title that reads in ‘Rad Times At Frat U”. ]

[ Cut to Fenster and Hank walking down the street towards the Frat House. ]

Hank: I don’t know Fenster, a frat party?

Fenster: Come on Hank, it’s Homecoming weekend! You have to party.

Hank: Yeah, I should be studying.

[ They approach the door and Fenster rings the doorbell. ]

Fenster: Come on, dorkus, live a little.

[ Frat guy 1 answers the door. ]

Frat guy 1: Ooh, welcome to the fun house, nerds. Homecoming weekend. Hahahaha.

[ Hank and Fenster enter a very crowded active party. ]

Hank: Oh boy.

Fenster: Well Hank, this will be a night we will never forget.

[ Cut to black and white freeze frame of Fenster as he enters the party. Below his face is the caption, ‘Stated in a recent deposition he has no memory of this night.’ ]

[ Cut to the break in a game of pool. ]

[ Cut to a frat guy shotgunning a beer. ]

[ Cut to frat guy 1 and 2 standing in the kitchen drinking beers. ]

Frat guy 2: Wow, this party’s crazy.

Frat guy 1: Look around freshman. Nothing we do tonight matters.

Frat guy 1 & 2: No consequences!

[ Cut to black and white freeze frame of frat guy 2 smiling. The caption below his face reads, ‘Lost his medical license as a consequence of this night.’ ]

Sorority Girl 1: Sorry guys, turns out we couldn’t get beer.

Sorority Girl 2: But we got cocaine!!! [ She waves a small bag of white powder. The rest of the party cheers. Then she rubs some of the white powder on her gums. ]

[ Cut to black and white freeze frame of sorority girl 2 rubbing cocaine on her gums. The caption below her face reads, ‘Fox News Correspondent’. ]

[ Cut to sorority girl 1 dancing then black and white freeze frame of her with cocaine smeared below her nose. The caption reads, ‘MSNBC anchor’. ]

[Cut to Sorority girl 3 waking up on the couch. She has sharpie markings all over her face and she walks away from the couch. Then the camera does the black and white freeze frame with her caption reading, ‘Forced to withdraw 2020 presidential bid’. ]

[ Cut to two sorority girls making out. ]

Random frat guy’s voice: Woah, those chicks are making out.

[ Cut to a group of frat guys sitting on the stairs, drinking beers, while watching the two girls make out. ]

Frat guy 3: Oh wow, two girls kissing. I live for this stuff boys.

[ Cut to black and white freeze frame of frat guy 3 smiling on the stairs. The caption below his face reads, ‘Lives upstate with husband of 15 years’. ]

[ Cut to Hank sitting on the couch talking to a girl. ]

Hank: Man, I’m not going to get stuck in this town. I’m going places.

[ Cut to black and white freeze frame of Hank. His caption reads, ‘Dead’. ]

[ Cut to a beer can being opened. ]

[ Cut to the dance floor where everyone is dancing. There is girl, Agnus, with head gear up front and frat guy 1 approaches her. ]

Frat guy 1: Hey Agnus, I got you a present. [ He goes in for a kiss over her head gear and she pulls away saying, ‘Ew!’ ]

Frat guy 4: Twenty bucks my dude. [ He hands frat guy 1 $20 as a reward for kissing Agnus over her head gear. ]

Frat guy 1: Ew, I can’t believe I did that.

Frat guy 4: Me either! [ They shake hands and hug. ]

[ Cut to black and white freeze frame of Frat guy 1 with his hands in the air smiling. The caption reads, ‘Perpetually haunted by this moment’. ]

[ Cut to Frat guy 4 dancing then black and white freeze frame. This caption reads, ‘Also forced to withdraw 2020 presidential bid’. ]

[ Cut to three sorority girls drinking beers next to other party-goers playing Pong on a small TV. ]

Sorority Girl 4: Ew, did you hear that the Gooch kissed Agnus the hag-nus?

Sorority Girl 2: Ugh, that guy is such a skeez.

Sorority Girl 5: Yeah, stay away from him.

[ Cut to black and white freeze frame of the three sorority girls. The caption is below Sorority Girl 5 and it reads, ‘Dated him’. The caption below sorority girl 2 reads, ‘Dated him’. And the caption below sorority girl 4 reads, ‘Married him’. ]

[ Cut to the pool. There are a few people in the pool and the rest are standing around the pool. Frat guy 1 is walking to the edge of the diving board fully clothed. ]

Frat guy 1: Hey everybody! People are going to be talking about this party for the rest of our lives. And when they do, remember that I, Andrew Gucherman, did this. [ He unzips his pants and pulls them down revealing his naked lower half. ] Memorize these nuts! [ He takes off his shirt and does a back flop into the pool. ]

[ Cut to black and white freeze frame of a naked frat guy 1 just before he lands in the pool on his back. The caption reads, ‘Insisted to a federal grand jury he never did this’. ]

[ Cut to frat guy 1 splashing into the pool and the rest of the party-goers cheering him along from the sides of the pool. ]

[Cut to black and white freeze frame of the party-goers cheering. Captions start appearing underneath everyone reading, ‘Backed him up’ and the caption beneath Hank reads, ‘Killed by Andrew Cunanan’. ]

[ Cut to image of the front of the frat house with a caption that reads, ‘Frat disbanded after five-part Rolling Stone article’. ]

[ Cut to Fenster sitting handcuffed between two FBI agents. ]

Fenster: But hey, that was the 80’s. So how serious are the charges?

 

Neo-Confederate Meeting: Season 44 Episode 1

Todd…..Kyle Mooney

Jim…..Beck Bennett

Volunteer 1…..Adam Driver

Volunteer 2…..Melissa Villaseñor

Volunteer 3…..Aidy Bryant

Security Officer William…..Chris Redd

 

[ Opens with a image of a Community Center entrance. ]

[ Cut to a meeting room with Todd standing up front and the rest of the volunteers seated in folding chairs. ]

Todd: A couple of League of the South announcements. Deb is selling Confederate flag blankets. All proceeds go to the troops. And there’s been some complaints about our Fantasy Football League. We’re gonna go ahead and say you can pick black players on your team. So that’s going to help out a lot. Now, Jim has something important to say. So come on up here.

Jim: Alright, okay. So friends, you’ve seen it. It’s been over a year since we Neo-Confederate volunteers marched on Charlottesville and things haven’t gotten better. [ The seated volunteers all nod their heads. ] More foreigners coming in. More strangers who don’t respect our way of life. We’re losing our culture and I will not sit quietly. You with me?! [ The seated volunteers respond with ‘Yeah’s, head nods, and cheers.] So tonight, I have a plan. A grand vision. If they’re going to keep coming here, then we’re going to go to someplace else. Our own place. For our own people. [ There are murmurs from the seated volunteers and a few head nods. ] No immigrants, no minorities. An agrarian community where everyone lives in harmony. Because every single person is white. [ Volunteer 1 raises his hand. ] Yes, sir.

Volunteer 1: Yeah, I know that place. That sounds like Vermont.

Jim: Vermont? No sir, what I’m talking about is a place purely for caucasians. Where even the folks who wash the dishes and pick the fruit are white.

Volunteer 1: Oh yeah, that’s Vermont.

Jim: Are you new here?

Volunteer 1: Ah yeah, I’m originally from up north.

Jim: Woah! Woah, woah!

Volunteer 1: Don’t worry, I’m from Boston.

Jim: Oh alright, good good. Okay good.

Volunteer 1: But, I’ve been to Vermont many times and it’s just like what you were saying.

Jim: I’m sorry, but you don’t seem to understand what I’m proposing is a whole new society. Going back to a time when the white man can take things he grew from the ground and trade them with another white man who grew things from the ground.

Volunteer 1: Yeah, uh, that’s a farmer’s market. And they’re all over Vermont.

Jim: Damnit, this ain’t some Yankee commune. Alright, the place I’m envisioning is a paradise. Country stores.

Volunteer 1: Yup.

Jim: Covered bridges.

Volunteer 1: Oh yeah.

Jim: The kind of place where you can drive around in an old car and wave to folks on porches having breakfast.

Volunteer 1: Yeah, I’m sorry I saw that last week, in Vermont.

Jim: Well be that as it may, no one wants to Vermont, right? [ The volunteers grumble ‘no’s and shake their heads. ]

Volunteer 2: I don’t know. That sounds kinda nice. Are there lots of dogs around wearing bandanas?

Volunteer 1: Oh yeah, well of course there are.

Jim: Look, look, y’all we’re getting off track. Now Todd, you don’t want to go to Vermont, do you?

Todd: I don’t know, Jim. I was thinking. You know how for this year’s White Nationals Retreat we were gonna go to Colonial Williamsburg again? Hey, maybe we should go to Vermont?

Jim: Todd! Todd! You love Colonial Williamsburg! It’s things as they should be!

Todd: I know Jim, but this place sounds nice! Pancakes on the porch. Spiced apple compote. The leaves change colors but the people never do. Why wouldn’t you wanna go?

Okay, now I just found an Airbnb in Shelburn. Listen to this. Cozy eight-bedroom farmhouse, vaulted ceilings, two-way fireplace, fly-fishing, and off-roading nearby. That’s a caucasian paradise, y’all. [ The seated volunteers talk amongst themselves with excitement and agreement. ]

[ The security officer walks in. He is black. ]

Security Officer William: Alright everybody, caucasians. Wrap up your little Confederate pity party. Man there is an AA meeting starting in about ten minutes.

Jim: Now hold on, William. Have you ever been to Vermont?

Security Officer William: Vermont? Why would I want to go there? There’s no hip hop on the radio. People paying to run around in corn mazes. There’s not a black face for miles. Hell no! [ Security leaves the room. ]

Jim: Oh okay, alright. Thank you, William. Okay, well it’s settled. We’re going to Vermont! [ Everybody cheers. ]

Volunteer 1: Maybe we can all rent Subarus.

[ Cut to front entrance of the Community Center. ]

 

Career Day: Season 44 Episode 1

Career Day

Firefighter…..Alex Moffat

Teacher…..Aidy Bryant

Student 1…..Ego Nwodim

Mordecai…..Pete Davidson

Samantha…..Melissa Villaseñor

Mr. Parnassus…..Adam Driver

[ Image of the entrance to Sierra High School with the school sign reading, “Career Day Friday!” ]

[ Cut to a classroom with several students sitting in desks, the teacher standing to the side, and a firefighter in the front of the class holding his axe. ]

Firefighter: And in my opinion, that’s how we make the fire go away.

[ The teacher lightly claps her hands and walks over to the firefighter. ]

Teacher: Oh, wow. Simply, wow. Thank you so much to Samantha’s dad for than enlightening demonstration. [ The firefighter exits the classroom. ] Alright class, to continue our career day presentations, we will now turn it over to Mordecai’s father, Abraham H. Parnassus.

Student 1: Dude, what does your dad even do?

Mordecai: I don’t want to talk about it.

Samantha: I heard he’s like super old. Is that true?

Mordecai: I don’t know. He’s a dad. Dad’s are old.

[ A very old looking man with gray hair and a gray mustache enters the classroom. ]

Mr. Parnassus: Greetings, children. I’m Mordecai’s father. Hello boy. How are you? Look at your father boy. Look upon your father with pride.

Mordecai: I see you, man!

Teacher: Alright, uh, Mr. Parnassus why don’t you tell us about what you do for a living?

Mr. Parnassus: Hear me now, children, for my occupation is of much import. For 82 years I have been an oil man, a ‘barren’ some have called me. Now what does an oil barren do? The answer…crush your enemies! Grind their bones into dirt! Make them regret that they were ever born!

Samantha: Oh sick!

Teacher: Wow! Right into the dirt. [ The teacher chuckles. ] Now if the kids want to pursue a career in oil, what sort of traits would serve them well?

Mr. Parnassus: Oil is not for the weak. It is the Earth’s milk, and only the strong may suckle at Mother’s teat. Do you hear me boy? Only the strong…look at me boy. Look at your father! Look at me.

Samantha: Look at him Mordecai!

Mordecai: Dad, this is embarrassing.

One man came close to breaking me, H.R. Pickens. He did not succeed, for I crushed him into the ground!

Samantha: Who is H.R Pickens?

Mr. Parnassus: Exactly!

Teacher: Samantha, you gotta stop it honey. Okay. Well, Mr. Parnassus, the oil business must be pretty lucrative, right?

Mr. Parnassus: Oil has little to do with profit, Marm!

Teacher: Okay.

Mr. Parnassus: Oil is about domination of the spirit. Allow me to demonstrate. Children, point to the weakest in your class. And we shall ruin their spirit, as I ruined the spirit of H. R. Pickens so long ago.

[ All of the students point to Mordecai. ]

Mordecai: Word.

Samantha: You are weak like H.R. Pickens.

[ Mr. Parnassus walks over to Mordecai’s desk and leans in towards him using his can to hold himself up. ]

Mr. Parnassus: Feel this boy. Understand the pain. You think I was always the picture of strength that I am now?

Mordecai: Dad, you couldn’t get out of bed for a week because the mattress was too soft.

Mr. Parnassus: Mind over flesh boy. I was born seven months too early. Incubation technology was still in its infancy, so they placed me in a cast iron pot inside of a pizza oven until I was ripe enough to walk. My bones never hardened but my spirit did. Be strong and crush your enemies!

Teacher: Well, this has been outstanding Mr. Parnassus, but unfortunately we are running out of time. [ The teacher makes a thumbs down motion with her hand. ] Boo! Now does anyone else have any last questions for Mordecai’s dad?

Student 1: Yeah, yeah. I get that you’re an oil barren. But what do you do all day?

Mr. Parnassus: Perhaps I wasn’t clear. Luckily, I brought a visual aid which will illuminate the ins and outs of the oil industry. [ He shakes open the burlap sack he was carrying and pulls out a dead crow. ] This dead bird represents those who will wish you ill. Once proud, flying high above the Earth [ Mr. Parnassus holds the bird up high and pretends to make it fly. ] in bloody defiance of her gifts. And now you return [ Mr. Parnassus throws the bird to the ground forcefully. ] her to Earth, naked and defeated. [ Mr. Parnassus stabs his cane into the bird on the ground. ] I outlived you, Mr. Pickens! I crushed you into the ground and now your bones turn to oil beneath my living feet! I married your granddaughter, filled her belly with my festering seed and sired a boy! He is my final revenge, H.R.!

Mordecai: Dad, come on.

[ Samantha stands up and starts clapping. ]

Samantha: I want to be you when I grow up.

Mr. Parnassus: And so, you shall! Now, children, I was asked to bring a healthy snack. So join me in the hall for swine livers and Capri Suns.

[ Cut to the front entrance of the High School. ]

Teacher voiceover: Alright, kids, go out and eat those pig guts.

Weekend Update: Serena Williams: Season 44 Episode 1

…..Colin Jost

…..Michael Che

Serena Williams…..Leslie Jones

…..Leslie Jones

[ Colin is sitting at newsroom desk with Michael. ]

COLIN JOST: Well according to a new study of cheetahs in the wild…

[ A female voice is heard interrupting Colin. ]

Serena: You owe me an apology! [ Serena, in a tennis outfit with a tutu, walks in front of the newsroom desk where Colin and Michael are seated. She is carrying a tennis racket. ]

COLIN JOST: Wait.

Serena: You owe me an apology! I am not a cheater. I have never cheated in my entire life.

COLIN JOST: Wait, Leslie. I told you we’re not going to do the Serena Williams bit.

Serena: You are a liar and a thief! Say you’re sorry! You will never work at the news desk again!

COLIN JOST: Leslie, the story is three weeks old.

Serena: You will not take this from me!

[ Leslie breaks character from Serena and is now speaking as herself. ]

LESLIE JONES: Look Colin, I spent all summer getting my body in Serena shape so I’m going to play Serena on TV. Look at me. Look at me. [ Leslie does a twirl to show off her body. ] Yah, ha ha! I need that! Yas, yah! Okay, okay. Back to Serena.

[ Leslie gets back into character and continues as if she was Serena. ]

Serena: I want an apology!

COLIN JOST: Leslie, I’m not the…

Serena: Then don’t talk to me! Don’t talk to me.

COLIN JOST: Serena Williams everybody.

Serena: This moment is for Naomi Osaka. [ Leslie walks off the stage. ]