Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 7


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


December 12th, 1987

Angie Dickinson

Buster Poindexter

David Gilmour

None

None

Christine Zander
Gorbachev’s Incompetent Translator

Montage

Angie Dickinson’s MonologueBio: Angie Dickinson (1931-). Actress; best remembered as Sergeant Leann “Pepper” Anderson in TV series “Police Woman”, 1974-78.

The Stewardess

DonahueRecurring Characters: Phil Donahue.

Wedgie Fever!Summary: A masochist contestant (Jon Lovitz) purposely answers quiz show questions wrong so that he can get his underwear yanked by a crane.

Buster Poindexter performs “Hot Hot Hot”First Performed: 86a.

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Traumatic Memories

David Gilmour performs “Ah, Robertson, It’s You”Bio: David Gilmour (1946-). Musician; lead guitarist and singer-songwriter for Pink Floyd.

Police Women

The Assimilated Jew’s HanukkahRecurring Characters: Henry Kissinger.

Drunk Man

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 8


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


December 19th, 1987

Paul Simon

Linda Ronstadt

None

Sen. Paul Simon

Tom Davis

Marc Shaiman
Jesus’ Surprise Party

Montage

Paul Simon’s MonologueSummary: Confusion arises over whether Paul Simon the singer is hosting tonight’s show, or Paul Simon the senator.

First Hosted: 75b.

Bio: Sen. Paul Simon (1928-2003). Politician; served in U.S. House of Representatives, 1975-85; Illinois State Senator, 1985-97.

Transcript

Gary Hart AdSummary: Gary Hart’s effect on women makes him too hard for them to get him out of their mind.

Note: Repeat from: 87a.

Desert Island ChristmasSummary: Being stranded on a desert island hasn’t stopped a woman (Victoria Jackson) from bestowing lavish gifts upon her boyfriend (Paul Simon) at Christmastime.

Transcript

Master Thespian As Santa ClausRecurring Characters: Master Thespian.

Linda Ronstadt & The Mariachi Vargas performs “Los Laureles” & “La Cigarra”First Performed: 78s.

Bio: Mariachi Vargas. In its original form, the group was founded by Gaspar Vargas in Tecalitlán, Jalisco, Mexico in 1898.

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: Dennis Miller.

Sweeney SistersRecurring Characters: Candy Sweeney, Liz Sweeney.

Subway Solicitor

Succinctly SpeakingRecurring Characters: Tonto, Tarzan, Frankenstein.

Transcript

Tonto, Tarzan, Frankenstein sing “Away in a Manger”

Paul Simon & Linda Ronstadt perform “Under African Skies”

Truck Stop Reflections

A Message From Jon Lovitz

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 8

87h: Paul Simon / Linda Ronstadt

Desert Island Christmas

David…..Paul Simon
Victoria…..Victoria Jackson

[ open on couple shipwrecked on an island ]

David: [ drags in a palm tree ] Honey, I think I found our Christmas tree!

Victoria: Oh! It’s perfect, David!

David: And what Christmas would be complete without.. [ revealsbag of gifts ] ..presents!

Victoria: Oh, David, you shouldn’t have.

David: I wanted to. Because if you can’t get a laugh on a desertisland, when can you get a laugh?

Victoria: That’s true. I got you something, too! [ pulls out giftfrom behind a bush ] Merry Christmas!

David: Oh, honey..

Victoria: Go ahead, open them up!

David: [ curious ] What can this be..? [ opens gift ] It’s a watch!It’s beautiful! But where on Earth could you find a watch?

Victoria: I didn’t find it. I made it!

David: [ stunned ] You made this watch?

Victoria: Yeah! I found some copper-bearing ore in the hills, andso I made a kiln and I kind of smelded some out..

David: [ amazed ] You smelded the copper?

Victoria: Yeah, just a little. And, then I hammered it out intoflat sheets, and I kind of cut the gears out of the sheet, then sort ofput it all together.. You like it?

David: Of course! I love it! [ puts watch on and winds it ]It works! [ still amazed ] You made this watch?

Victoria: Yeah! You know, that’s real gold on the outside. I pannedit out in the stream.

David: I don’t know what to say. I mean, it’s amazing. I’m amazed!

Victoria: I was just hoping you’d like it.

David: Like it? Ilove it! But.. where’d you get the strap?

Victoria: That’s pigskin. I stalked and killed a wild pig. It tookme three days.

David: So that’s where you were!

Victoria: Yeah. Then I tanned the hide, and I cut part of it outfor the strap.. do you like it?

David: It’s wonderful!

Victoria: See the hand?

David: Yeah.

Victoria: Um.. they’re whiskers from the pig, and I soaked them inpalm resin to harden them.

David: I don’t know what to say.. I don’t know what to say..

Victoria: Let me open one of yours!

David: Well.. I feel awkaward about..

Victoria: No, no, no.. [ opens a gift ] Oh.. it’s a shell..

David: Yeah.. I sort of found it on the beach.. and I thought itwas pretty, and.. a watch! I can’t get over that! I just can’t get overthat!

Victoria: [ hugging her shell ] Honey, I love this shell, it’sbeautiful!

David: I don’t know.. it’s not a watch, or anything..

Victoria: Well, I love it! And I’ll always cherish it. Okay, now open your next present!

David: Oh, yeah.. [ grabs present ] Where did you get the fancywrapping paper?

Victoria: I made it?

David: You made it?

Victoria: Well, it was really easy. I mean, I just pounded somereef into mulch, and that’s, you know, about it..

David: And the design?

Victoria: Uh.. squid’s ink, I painted on the brush I made..

David: I see. [ reveals telescope ] It’s a telescope..

Victoria: Yeah!

David: It’s wonderful.. I mean.. you made this, I suppose?

Victoria: Well.. sort of, a little.. I carved it..

David: No, you made it. It’s wonderful. Thank you.

Victoria: You really like it?

David: I said I did, I said I liked it..

Victoria: Okay, now let me open yours! [ David protests ] Oh, nowdon’t be that way.. [ she opens her next gift ] Ohhh.. it’s a.. it’s a..

David: It’s a potholder.

Victoria: Oh! Ineed a potholder! I really do!

David: I know you don’t! I know we don’t even have pots.. [ sarcastic ]Oh, maybe you could smeld some!

Victoria: Oh, come on.. [ opens another gift ] This is.. anothershell!

David: Another shell.

Victoria: It’s wonderful! Look, they’re even the same kind!

David: Well, I thought maybe you could use them together.. or something..

Victoria: Oh, I will! I will!

David: Do you really like them?

Victoria: Honey, I do. They’re from you, and that’s all that reallymatters.

David: Well, they are pretty nice..

Victoria: So are you. [ kisses him ]

David: Well, you know what I’m gonna do? I think I’m gonna go upon the big mountain, and I’m gonna check out my telescope. And I’ll beback.. oh! [ checks watch ] I’ll be back at 4 o’clock!

Victoria: Okay. Oh, David?

David: Yeah?

Victoria: Oh.. never mind..

[ David walks off to play with telescope. Victoria stays behind, pulls abush apart to reveal a motor scooter she made for him ]

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 8

87h: Paul Simon / Linda Ronstadt

Paul Simon’s Monologue

…..Paul Simon
…..Sen. Paul Simon

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Paul Simon!

[ Paul Simon, the musician, and Paul Simon, the Senator, both walk ontoCenter Stage ]

Paul Simon: You know, this is very embarassing.. and I was surethat they meant me!

Sen. Paul Simon: I just assumed they wanted me – Paul Simon,the Senator!

Paul Simon: Well.. it’s a comedy show.. and it’s a music show.. so,it’s gotta be me, I mean who else?

Sen. Paul Simon: I guess. I just wish somebody had told me earlier.I’ve been rehearsing since Thursday here.

Paul Simon: It gets very hectic here, and you can get lost in theshuffle.

Sen. Paul Simon: I understand. Like New Hampshire.

Paul Simon: Well.. it’s just one of those things that can hpapen toanybody.. named Paul Simon.

Sen. Paul Simon: You wouldn’t believe how many times this has happenedto me!

Paul Simon: And to me. I remember one time I had shown up with myguitar at a Democratic Women’s Convention in Audobon, Iowa.

Sen. Paul Simon: And how about that benefit at Madison Square Garden?I’m up on the stage trying to debate with Bruce Springsteen!

Paul Simon: You know, actually, I thought that you were very clearlythe winner on that debate.

Sen. Paul Simon: Why, thank you, Paul. Thank you.

Paul Simon: Look, as long as you’re here, why don’t you, as they say, you know, kick back, relax, and just enjoy the show?

Sen. Paul Simon: Well, I’d love to.. I gotta get up early tomorrow,you know.. to run for President.

Paul Simon: I understand. I just feel so bad that you came allthis way..

Sen. Paul Simon: Well, I do, too, frankly. I was supposed to be inSioux Falls, South Dakota tonight, at a fundraising dinner.

Paul Simon: You know, this is a live show. And something couldhappen to me, and then you could be right there.. you could be like theother Paul Simon..

Sen. Paul Simon: Sort of “a heartbeat away”?

Paul Simon: We’ve got a great show tonight, with my good friendLinda Ronstadt, so stick around!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 8

87h: Paul Simon / Linda Ronstadt

Succinctly Speaking

Kathleen Fulmer…Nora Dunn
Tarzan…Kevin Nealon
Tonto…Jon Lovitz
Frankenstein…Phil Hartman

[Open on talk show set with title SUPER: “SUCCINCTLY SPEAKING.” Theme music plays. Seated from left to right are Frankenstein, host Kathleen Fulmer, Tarzan and Tonto]

Don Pardo V/O: “Succinctly Speaking” with Kathleen Fulmer.

[Applause as camera zooms in to Kathleen]

Kathleen Fulmer: Good evening and welcome to “Succinctly Speaking.” I’m Kathleen Fulmer. My guests today include Tonto, Tarzan and Frankenstein. All right, Tarzan, let’s start with you: Fire.

Tarzan: Fire good.

Kathleen Fulmer: Mm-hmm. Tonto?

Tonto: Fire good.

Kathleen Fulmer: All right. Frankenstein?

Frankenstein: [Growls] Fire bad!

Kathleen Fulmer: Okay, we have a difference of opinion, and I think that’s what makes our forum work, the give and take. Don’t you think? [Tarzan and Tonto nod. Frankenstein scowls at Kathleen] Okay, let’s move on, shall we? Bread.

Frankenstein: [Growls] Bread good!

Kathleen Fulmer: Hold on. Hold on, Frankenstein, we’ll get to you. Tonto?

Tonto: Bread good, Kemo Sabe.

Kathleen Fulmer: Mm-hmm. Tarzan.

Tarzan: Bread good.

Kathleen Fulmer: All right.

Tarzan: I no.. I no eat bread.

Kathleen Fulmer: Good. Frankenstein?

Frankenstein: Bread, gooood!

Kathleen Fulmer: All right. Now before we move on, let’s talk about something that is in the news very much these days: the I.N.F. Treaty. Tarzan?

Tarzan: Tarzan like treaty. Make world safer for Tarzan and Boy.

Kathleen Fulmer: All right. There’s a strong endorsement. Tonto?

Tonto: Hmm, me no trust treaty, Kemo Sabe.

Kathleen Fulmer: All right. Frankenstein?

Frankenstein: Fire bad!

Kathleen Fulmer: Okay, but what about the I.N.F. Treaty?

Frankenstein: [Growls]

Tonto: Excuse me, Miss Fulmer. Frankenstein not understand question.

Kathleen Fulmer: Oh, I’m sorry. The I.N.F. Treaty, it outlaws medium-range nuclear, excuse me, nuclear missiles, at least that in a European theater.

Frankenstein: [Growls, then breaks character and laughs] Fire bad!

Kathleen Fulmer: Thank you. Well, that’s all the time we have. Join us next week when we’ll be talking with the cavemen from Quest For Fire.

[Phil is trying hard to hold in his laughter. He stands up and tries to stay in character as he walks to the back of the set]

Frankenstein: [Growls] Fire [laughs] bad! Fire bad! [He breaks through the back wall of the set. Tarzan jumps onto his chair, then climbs back down]

Tonto: Frankenstein fear fire, not understand booking. [Frankenstein growls off-camera]

Tarzan: Line between fantasy and reality blurry for Frankenstein.

[Frankenstein re-enters through the hole he made in the wall]

Frankenstein: [Growls] Fire bad! [Growls and walks toward the camera, then exits]

Kathleen Fulmer: [Waves] Good night. Join us, uh, next week. It’s been a wonderful show. Drive safely.

[Applause. Dissolve to show title as theme plays. Fade]

Submitted by: John Ravetti

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: 1987-1988


]]>

Starring:

Dana Carvey

Nora Dunn

Phil Hartman

Jan Hooks

Victoria Jackson

Jon Lovitz

Dennis Miller

Kevin Nealon

Featuring:

A. Whitney Brown

Al Franken

Episodes

10/17/87: Steve Martin / Sting

10/24/87: Sean Penn / L.L. Cool J, Michael Penn & The Pull

10/31/87: Dabney Coleman / The Cars

11/14/87: Robert Mitchum / Simply Red

11/21/87: Candice Bergen / Cher

12/05/87: Danny DeVito / Bryan Ferry

12/12/87: Angie Dickinson / Buster Poindexter, David Gilmour

12/19/87: Paul Simon / Linda Ronstadt

01/23/88: Robin Williams / James Taylor

01/30/88: Carl Weathers / Robbie Robertson

02/13/88: Justine Bateman / Terrance Trent D’Arby

02/20/88: Tom Hanks / Randy Travis

SummaryAfter three seasons of unstable casting decisions, returning Producer Lorne Michaels has finally brought the stride back to “Saturday Night Live”. Only three members of his 1985 cast were considered funny and popular enough to bring back for the next season, and 1986’s cast hit such a high-note with viewers that Lorne brought them all back for this season – including an upgrade for featured player Kevin “Mr. Subliminal” Nealon.

Although no episode left viewers disappointed, the season did come to an early end due to a writer’s strike. Any other great comedy that was to surface would have to wait until the following season. The biggest disappoint of all was the news that original cast member Gilda Radner had agreed to host by season’s end, but now, because of the writer’s strike, was unable to. By the strike’s end, and the next season’s premiere, Radner had to cancel her engagement when she developed the early signs of cancer.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 1


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 17th, 1987

Steve Martin

Sting

None

Bruce Babbitt

Cheryl Hardwick
The UntouchablesSummary: Because he’s said too much, President Ronald Reagan (Phil Hartman) clubs Robert Bork (Jon Lovitz) in the head.

Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan, George Bush, Robert Bork.

Transcript

MontageNote: Studio 8-H was evacuated just before dress rehearsal because there was a fire in a nearby studio. Even though they were unable to perform a dress rehearsal, Steve Martin was insistent with going ahead with the live show.

Steve Martin’s MonologueSummary: Steve Martin doesn’t let a technician strike mar the effect of his tap dance sequence to the song “I Bite Down Hard,” even though it would be more significant if someone were operating the cameras.

First Hosted: 76e.

Transcript

Gary Hart AdSummary: Gary Hart’s effect on women makes him too hard for them to get him out of their mind.

Transcript

Common KnowledgeSummary: High schoolers’ stupidity determines answers to common knowledge trivia questions.

Recurring Characters: Jeanne kirkpatrick.

Transcript

The NFL TodaySummary: Brent Musberger (Kevin Nealon) questions Jimmy the Greek’s (Phil Hartman) sports predictions.

Recurring Characters: Brent Musberger, Jimmy the Greek, George Plimpton.

Slide Whistle Sound EffectsSummary: The sounds of slide whistles reveal a couple’s (Martin, Victoria Jackson) dating expectations.

Transcript

Sting performs “We’ll Be Together”Bio: Sting (1951-). Musician; realname: Gordon Sumner; former lead singer/bass player for The Police, 1978-83; released his first solo album in 1985; film appearances include “Dune” (1984); human rights activist; married actress Trudie Styler (his secodn wife) in 1992.

Hosted: 90k, 96o.

Also Performed: 90k, 92n, 95n, 96o, 99f.

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: Al Franken interviews Bruce Babbitt about his abuse of supermarket express lanes. Via song, Victoria Jackson says to the world: “I Am Not A Bimbo!”

Transcript

Bullets Aren’t CheapSummary: A penny-pinching James Bond (Steve Martin) faces his nemesis, Goldsting (Sting).

Recurring Characters: James Bond.

Transcript

Permission To Speak FreelySummary: Naval officers (Steve Martin, Jon Lovitz) abuse their Permission to Speak Freely by-law privileges.

Note: Steve Martin accidentally spits on Jon Lovitz while yelling at him.

Transcript

Sting performs “Little Wing”

Adventures In The Lost RealmSummary: An expedition team waits for a dinosaur to finish eating their companion (Jon Lovitz).

Pumping Up with Hans & FranzSummary: Narcissistic bodybuilders, Hans (Dana Carvey) and Franz (Kevin Nealon), insult their fitness viewers.

Recurring Characters: Hans, Franz.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 1

87a: Steve Martin / Sting

Bullets Aren’t Cheap

M…..Jon Lovitz
Miss Moneypenny…..Nora Dunn
James Bond…..Steve Martin
Date…..Jan Hooks
Waiter…..Phil Hartman
Dealer…..Vicotia Jackson
Goldsting…..Sting

[ open on M sitting at his desk ]

M: [ presses buzzer ] Miss Moneypenny, will you come in here, please?

[ Miss moneypenny enters M’s office ]

Miss Moneypenny: Something wrong?

M: Have you seen these bills from 007’s last assignment? 12,000 pounds for hotel suites, six trips on the Concorde, eight cases of Tattinger’s champagne. Who the devil does he think he is?!

Miss Moneypenny: Sir, that was a very dangerous mission. Bond pulled it off beautifully.

M: [ stands ] I know that! Now, perhaps if you can set aside your schoolgirl crush for one moment, perhaps you can tell me why a Balanese backwalking session is being charged to the British government.

Miss Moneypenny: It was in the line of duty. The woman tried to electrocute him.

M: Or so he claims. He’s abusing the expense vouchers to support his sybaritic lifestyle, and I won’t stand for it! Where is 007?

Miss Moneypenny: Didn’t you know? He’s on holiday. In the Bahamas.

M: What?! Out spending more on England’s money again!

Miss Moneypenny: No, sir. I made it quite clear to him that his holiday expenses were strictly his own. He undertands that.

M: Yes, but why this week? He knew I had a mission for him.

Miss Moneypenny: Well, sir, he flew the Super Saver. The ticket was only good for this week.

M: [ taken by surprise ] What?

Miss Moneypenny: Well, his frequent flier discount is about to expire.

M: I don’t believe it!

Miss Moneypenny: Frankly, sir, when it’s his own money, Commander Bond can be a bit.. well, I don’t want to say miserly, but.. it’s the Scottish thing. Very tight with the dollar.

M: 007?

Miss Moneypenny: Oh, yes. It’s a side of him we seldom see.

[ dissolve to opening James Bond movie graphics of somersaulting silhoettes of beautiful women ]

[ circle dances across screen, as James Bond enters shooting his gun in comic fashion. He looks down and spots a coin, which he immediately bends down to pick up and show off to the camera. ]

[ TITLE: “Bullets Aren’t Cheap” ]

[ dissolve to Bond on holiday in the Bahamas, as he enters a casino ]

Date: James, darling, I want you to relax. You’re on holiday now.

James Bond: Alright, darling.

[ Waiter passes by ]

Waiter: Would you care for a drink, Madam?

Date: Oh..! [ Bond clenches his teeth in horror ] N-no.. no, thank you.

Waiter: Sir?

James Bond: Yes, I’ll have a Vodka martini. Shaken, not stirred.

Waiter: Right away, sir.

James Bond: Uh.. how much is that?

Waiter: $4.25.

James Bond: Oooh. Ouch! Uh.. what if I use the house brand?

Waiter: It’s the same price, sir.

James Bond: Oh. Well, uh.. what kind of beer do you have?

Waiter: Heineken, Beck’s, Amstel Light, Corona..

James Bond: Ah! A Corona! I’ll have a Corona! Shaken, not stirred. Exactly 42 degrees Fahreinheit.

Waiter: $2.75.

James Bond: Boy.. I told you we should have come at Happy Hour.

[ Goldsting enters the casino, eyepatch over one eye and stroking a bunny rabbit ]

Goldsting: Gregory.. tonight, Mr. Bond’s drinks will be.. complimentary.

[ music sting ]

James Bond: Goldsting!

Goldsting: So, Mr. Bond, we meet again.

James Bond: So this is your game now, peddling alcohol to the highest bidder.

Goldsting: I’m a businessman, Mr. Bond. Do you play baccarat?

James Bond: Yes. [ Goldsting eyes him down ] Oh, now? Now. Sure.

[ they sit at the table ]

Goldsting: Deal Mr. Bond a hand, would you, Victoria?

Date: James, be careful. Goldsting does not like to lose.

James Bond: Oh, like I do? [ reaches for a single note ] Alright. I’ll bet.. mmm.. one pound.

Dealer: I’m sorry, but the minimum bet at this table is ten pounds.

James Bond: Then you will not accept my wager?

[ Goldsting removes the full bid from the inside of his rabbit ]

James Bond: [ sighs ]

Dealer: [ checks cards ] Player wins. Natural Nines.

James Bond: [ exuberent ] Oh, yes! Yes! Yes! [ laughs ]

[ Waiter finally returns ]

Waiter: Your beer, sir. Shaken.

James Bond: [ sips his beer ] Well, Goldsting.. it appears that you’ve been stung.

Goldsting: You forget, Mr. Bond. The honeybee stings only once, and then he dies.

James Bond: Yes. But the scorpion can sting many times and live to tell the tale.

Goldsting: But you forget, Mr. Bond, the scorpion can be crushed under foot.

James Bond: Ye-es.. [ nods head in agreement ]

Goldsting: [ aggravated ] Oh, get out!

James Bond: [ to Date ] Let’s go, darling.

Goldsting: Uh, Mr. Bond. Your accent, something about it puzzles me. I can’t quite place it.

James Bond: Well, I can’t quite place yours, either, Goldsting.

Goldsting: That’s because mine is English.

James Bond: Oh, really? Well. [ reaches into a bowl of pretzels ] Complimentary pretzels, darling?

[ music sting, as Goldsting pulls Bond’s hand out of the pretzel bowl ]

Goldsting: The pretzels are no longer complimentary, Mr. Bond.

James Bond: [ drops the pretzels on the table ] Ah! It seems I remember a convenience store around the corner where the pretzels are on sale.

[ Goldsting dusts off his rabbit as the scene dissolves to monorails ]

[ dissolve to interior, Bond’s car, as he presents his date with a gift chain ]

Date: Oh, James.. I love pewter.

James Bond: [ chuckles heartily ] Well, I can’t have you running around naked, off where we’re going. Although some people do in.. Orlando.

Date: Darling, I know I’m going to love Epcot!

James Bond: [ chuckles ] Drink your champagne, darling.

Date: [ hands Bond her glass of champagne ] I don’t need this. I need you. Don’t tease me, James. Don’t torture me! [ sits on the bed ] You know what I want! Come to bed, darling! I’m mad about you, mad! Mad, mad, mad, mad! Oh, James, darling!

[ Bond follows onto the bed ]

[ close-up on the champagne bottle, as Bond’s arms extedns to pour the champagne from the glass back into the bottle, then corks it up to keep it fresh ]

[ SUPER: “The End” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 1

87a: Steve Martin / Sting

Common Knowledge

Bob Albert…..Steve Martin
Les Shermeyer…..Kevin Nealon
Jeanne Kirkpatrick…..Nora Dunn
Tracy Pollackson…..Victoria Jackson
Kyle Knopfler…..Dana Carvey

Bob Albert: Hello, and welcome to “Common Knowledge”! I’m yourhost, Bob Albert. You all know our champion Les Shermeyer, a high schoolguidance counselor. Now, let’s meet our challenger, Jeanne Kirkpatrick,former ambassador to the United Nations. Jeanne, are you ready?

Jeanne Kirkpatrick: Yes, quite ready.

Bob Albert: Well, that’s good, because we’re going to start withyou. What category, Jeanne?

Jeanne Kirkpatrick: Well, actually, I’ve been a professor of History,so I decided to make it interesting, and I choose Literature.

Bob Albert: Alright, Literature for $100, and the answer is: “Authorof the ‘Grapes of Wrath’.

Jeanne Kirkpatrick: John Steinbeck. [ buzzer ]

Bob Albert: Ooh, I’m sorry! Ernest Hemingway! [ approachesLes ] Les, you want to stick with Literature?

Les Shermeyer: Uh.. no, Bob, let’s go for State Capitols.

Bob Albert: State Capitols, for $100: Oklahoma.

Les Shermeyer: Oklahoma City. [ ding ]

Bob Albert: Alright!

Les Shermeyer: Uh.. let’s keep going.

Bob Albert: New York State.

Les Shermeyer: New York City. [ dings ]

Bob Albert: Very good, Les!

Les Shermeyer: Let’s go again!

[ Jeanne looks on curiously ]

Bob Albert: New Jersey.

Les Shermeyer: Jersey City. [ ding ]

Bob Albert: Whoa-ho! You’re on a roll!

Les Shermeyer: Let’s go again.

Bob Albert: Virigina.

Les Shermeyer: Virigina City. [ ding ]

Bob Albert: And last one. Washington.

Les Shermeyer: Washington, D.C. [ ding ]

Bob Albert: You swept through that category! And now, let’sgo on to..?

Les Shermeyer: Literature.

Bob Albert: Literature, for $200: Author of Christmas Carol.

Les Shermeyer: Ebenezer Scrooge. [ ding ]

Bob Albert: Okay!

Les Shermeyer: Literature for $300, Bob!

Bob Albert: Literature for $300: Author of Huckleberry Finn.

Les Shermeyer: Tom Sawyer. [ buzzer ]

Bob Albert: Ohh, sorry. The answer is Ernest Hemingway, sorry.
[ addresses audience ] And now, let’s take a minute to explain the rulesto “Common Knowledge”. Questions for our show are show are selected byeducators from Princeton University to express a broad range of commonknowledge that every American should possess. Answers for “CommonKnowledge” are determined by a nationwide survey of 17-year-old highschool seniors. And now, back to you, Jeanne.

Jeanne Kirkpatrick: [ flabbergasted ] History.

Bob Albert: Alright! History, for $100: His assassination sparkedWorld War I.

Jeanne Kirkpatrick: Archduke Ferdinand. [ buzzer ]

Bob Albert: Oh, sorry! The answer is Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln.Les?>br>
Les Shermeyer: I’m gonna stay with History, Bob, for $200.

Bob Albert: History for $200: The Louisiana Purchase was obtainedfrom this country.

Les Shermeyer: Louisiana. [ ding ]

Bob Albert: Alright!

Les Shermeyer: History for $300, Bob.

Bob Albert: Alright. When he discovered America, ChristopherColumbus thought he had landed in..

Les Shermeyer: Columbia. [ buzzer ]

Bob Albert: Oh, sorry. The answer is America. Back toJeanne Kirkpatrick.

Jeanne Kirkpatrick: Uh.. History, for $400.

Bob Albert: History, for $400: First man to land on the moon.

Jeanne Kirkpatrick: Neil.. uh.. John Glenn. [ ding ]

Bob Albert: Terrific, Jeanne! You’re on the board now!

Jeanne Kirkpatrick: History, for $500.

Bob Albert: History, for $500: Napoleon was defeated at the Battle of..

Jeanne Kirkpatrick: Gettysburg. [ buzzer ]

Bob Albert: Oh, sorry. Jericho. The Battle of Jericho.Tough one. But, Jeanne, don’t worry, you’ll have plenty of time to catch up,because it’s time for our Lighning Round! Let’s bring out the 17-year-olds!Bring them out! [ one teenage sits with Jeanne, the other sits with Les ]Okay, Jeanne, you’re being teamed with Kyle Knopfler, a high school seniorfrom Troy, New York.

Jeanne Kirkpatrick: How do you do, pleased to meet you.

Kyle: Hi! [ tosses his hair ]

Bob Albert: Kyle, has your high school education given you the toolsyou need to go out into the real world?

Kyle: Uh.. I.. you know.. whatever, I don’t know.. I mean.. yeah,sure.. I guess so.. [ laughs ]

Bob Albert: Terrific answer! [ approaches the opposing team ] And,Les, you’re playing with Tracy Pollackson, a high school senior from NewYork. Tracy, you were supposed to be on the show yesterday, butthere was a mix-up of some kind?

Tracy: I got on the wrong plane.

Bob Albert: Who-ho-ho-ho! Alright, let’s start our Lightning Round!Les picked Presidents. Are you and Tracy ready? Okay, go.

[ clock starts ticking ]

Tracy: [ GRANT ] “The British are coming! The British are coming!”

Les Shermeyer: Grant!

Tracy: [ WILSON ] Dennis the Menace!

Les Shermeyer: President Mitchell.

Tracy: His neighbor!

Les Shermeyer: Woodrow Wilson!

Bob Albert: Alright – Tag Team!

[ Les and Tracy trade places ]

Les Shermeyer: [ TYLER ] Tippecanoe!

Tracy: Nixon!

Les Shermeyer: Pass! [ Kennedy ] Sex!

Tracy: President Hart!

Les Shermeyer: Marilyn Monroe!

Tracy: Kenbnedy!

Bob Albert: Alright, that’s great! Very good! Now, Jeanne. Jeanne,before the show you picked the category of Historical Dates. Are you ready,Jeanne and Kyle?

Kyle: Alright, ready!

Bob Albert: Alright! Begin!

Kyle: [ 1215 ] Uh.. Civil War.

Jeanne Kirkpatrick: 1861.

Kyle: Ci-vil War!

Jeanne Kirkpatrick: 1861-1865!

Kyle: Uh.. pass.. [ 1787 ] Uh.. Pilgrims!

Jeanne Kirkpatrick: 1620.

Kyle: Thanksgiving!

Jeanne Kirkpatrick: 1621!

Kyle: Pass! [ 1929 ] Uh.. uh.. uh.. Gold Rush!

Jeanne Kirkpatrick: 1849.

Kyle: Gold Rush!

Jeanne Kirkpatrick: 1914! 1419! 1945!

Kyle: Pass!

Bob Albert: Tag Team! Tag Team! Let’s go! [ Kyle rushes around toJeanne’s seat, while Jeanne slowly walks around ] Come on, Jeanne, come on!

Jeanne Kirkpatrick: [ 1815 ] Congres of Vienna.

Kyle: Uh.. 1964.

Jeanne Kirkpatrick: Pass. [ 1917 ] Bohlshvek Revolution.

Kyle: 1756!

Jeanne Kirkpatrick: Uh.. Pilgrims land!

Kyle: 1861!

Jeanne Kirkpatrick: Battle of Auschweitz!

Kyle: 1492!

Jeanne Kirkpatrick: Korean War!

Kyle: Uh.. 1917!

Bob Albert: Oh, sorry, Jeanne. You only got one right.

Jeanne Kirkpatrick: [ peeved ] May I say something, please? Thisprogram is an outrage! This program just doesn’t do justice to the educationalsystem, which upholds the fragile civilization of our country together!
Bob Albert: Oh well, sor-ry Je-anne! Les is still our champion, butyou’ll be going home with $400 and a year’s subscription to TV Guide!TV Guide, the most widely-read publication in the world.

Jeanne Kirkpatrick: In the United States.

Bob Albert: Oh, whatever you say! Well, anyway, that’s”Common Knowledge”. And remember: It’s not what you know, but what youthink you know! Good night, everyone!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 1

87a: Steve Martin / Sting

Gary Hart Ad

Woman Scorned…..Jan Hooks

[ open on black-and-white image of Woman walking through her apartment ]

Woman’s Voiceover: He’s not worth it.. forget it..

[ she picks up his picture from a coffee table, picks up a phone and tries to call him ]

[ she slams the phone onto the receiver, revealing the man in the picture as Gary Hart – she shoves his picture, and the objects surrounding it, to the floor ]

[ she tears his poster in half, and stomps on the glass encasing his photo ]

[ Gary enters, smoking a cigarette ]

[ furious, she throws her arm out to hit him, but he blocks her and forces a kiss ]

Announcer: Gary Hart. You can’t get him out of your mind. Paid for by the Gary Hart for President Committee.

SNL Transcripts