Author: Don Roy King

SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 11/15/03: Prince Charles Press Conference

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 29: Episode 6

Prince Charles Press Conference

Sir Anthony McCollum…..Alec Baldwin
Reporter #1…..Amy Poehler
Reporter #2…..Horatio Sanz
Reporter #3…..Seth Meyers
Reporter #4…..Horatio Sanz

Announcer: We go now to a live press conference with Prince Charles’ private secretary – Sir Anthony McCollum.

[ dissolve to the press conference ]

Sir Anthony McCollum: Right. As you all know, there’s been a lot of talk recently about an alleged event, that may or or may not have taken place, with or without a senior member of the Royal Family, who may or may not have been engaged in certain unspecified acts of a highly indeterminate nature. As you know, I cannot address the matters specifically, but I will entertain a few brief queries.

Reporter #1: Yes.. yes.. question.. question: Cynthia Watson, London Times. Can you comment at all on these rumors, concerning the Prince’s sexuality?

Sir Anthony McCollum: Madam, as you well know, legally, I cannot do that. British slander laws expressly forbid any specific mention of the matter.

Reporter #1: So sorry. Allow me to rephrase. Could one say that the Prince took.. a “holiday”.. from his “usual interests”? And, on this “holiday”, did the Prince, perhaps, “pitch a tent of the Isle of Man”?

Sir Anthony McCollum: [ mulls the sound of it in his head ] Yes, I suppose, legally, one could say that. Next?

Reporter #2: Uh, hello, thank you – if I may try a different vein. I know the Prince has! [ chuckles ] Say the Prince were to have a.. “keyboard recital” at his home.

Sir Anthony McCollum: Yes?

Reporter #2: And he were to invite a certain unnamed gentleman. This fellow would undoubtedly bring a gift – say.. flowers.

Sir Anthony McCollum: Granted.

Reporter #2: So, upon arrival, would this gent be more inclined to place “roses on the piano”.. or “tu-lips on his organ”?

Sir Anthony McCollum: [ frowns ] Sadly, the latter. [ points to next reporter ] Yes, you?

Reporter #3: Yes. Say that the Prince recently purchased a country home?

Sir Anthony McCollum: Alright?

Reporter #3: Down.. “Cadbury” Lane.

Sir Anthony McCollum: I know of no such address, but I’ll allow it.

Reporter #3: In the county of.. “Dingleberry”.

Sir Anthony McCollum: Indeed.

Reporter #3: And, say there was a problem with the insulation in this residence, a terrible draft coming in through his windows.

Sir Anthony McCollum: Where are you going with this?

Reporter #3: I wonder.. if he wouldn’t enjoy having his “crack”.. filled with “cauck”?

Sir Anthony McCollum: Undoubtedly.

Reporter #3: Quick follow-up: If His Majesty is elected to become a civil servant.. would one be writing thinking that his occcupation of choice would have been.. “manhole inspector”?

Sir Anthony McCollum: Often, his Majesty speaks of nothing else. [ points to next reporter ] Yes?

Reporter #4: Alright, despite all this talk, the Prince is above, all else, a gentleman.

Sir Anthony McCollum: Absolutely. Always ready to give a fellow a hand.

Reporter #4: And, for a friend, he’d been over backwards – or forwards.

Sir Anthony McCollum: Yes.

Reporter #4: The kind of guy who would say, “It’s better to give than to receive.”

Sir Anthony McCollum: The Prince of Wales is generous to a fault. He has been known to give until it hurts. However, I’ve also heard, that if you were to arrive at the Prince’s back door with a sizeable package, you would be received warmly.

Reporter #3: Could we say that the Prince was reared by a queen?

Sir Anthony McCollum: Yes.. of course.

Reporter #1: Yes, you’re saying that the Prince’s favorite actor is Peter O’Toole?

Sir Anthony McCollum: Yes.

Reporter #4: Right, right.. and that his favorite meal is a “sack” lunch.

Sir Anthony McCollum: Yess..

Reporter #3: And that his favorite bird is the swallow?

Sir Anthony McCollum: Indeeeed, yes.

Reporter #2: And, what of the rumor that the Prince can’t drive car over.. 68 kilometers at hour?

Sir Anthony McCollum: I haven’t heard that rumor.

Reporter #2: Because, at 69, he blows a rod!

Sir Anthony McCollum: Thank you. That’s quite enough.. I’m aorry.. that’s all the time we have for today. Thank you, thank you, thank you..

[ Private Secretary exits press conference ]

Announcer: Next up on C-Span: the Prime Minister’s questions, hopefully featuring more gay sex scandals.

SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 11/15/03: The Falconer

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 29: Episode 6

The Falconer

The Falconer…..Will Forte
Gambler…..Alec Baldwin
Blackjack Dealer…..Kenan Thompson
Craps Dealer…..Fred Armisen

Announcer: In 1992, Ken Mortimer was an advertising executive in Baltimore, Maryland. Then, for reasons known only to him, he left his wife and career, and moved deep into ther forest. Now, he is known only as.. The Falconer!

[ dissolve to forest scene, The Falconer hanging upside down as Donald flaps beside him ]

The Falconer: Ohh, Donald! That tap we set for the coyote has caught yours truly instead! For four days, I have dangled here like a urine-soaked pinata! If only a gaggle of Mexican children weilding sticks would come along and put me out of my misery!

Falcon: [ squawks in protest ]

The Falconer: That’s not racist! Pinatas are of Mexican origin!

Falcon: [ squawks in protest again ]

The Falconer: Fine! A gaggle of children of all creeds and colors! Look! Just go! Get me a knife! an ax! Anything I can use to cut this rope! Hurry! I, Ken Mortimer, must liiiiiiiive!!!

[ Falcon flies into the air in search of a sharp tool; close-up of his steadfast face ]

[ Falcon flies before a wall with arrows pointing in opposite directions. Right arrow points to a store that sells sharp cutting tools; left arrow points to a casino. Falcom almost flies right, but turns left when he hears the fun sounds coming from the casino. ]

[ Falcon lands at Gambler’s side at the blackjack table ]

Gambler: I don’t know if I’d join this table, stranger. I’ve busted nine times in a row.

Blackjack Dealer: Blackjack!

Gambler: Ohhhh! Looks like you’re my lucky charm, Falcon! What do you say we go hit the town, huh? I’m up for anything!

Falcon: [ screech ]

Gambler: What? Oh, let me rephrase that: Anything except Celine Dion.

[ Falcon and Gambler exit from the blackjack table ]

[ dissolve ot Falcon pulling slot machine lever and winning big, screeching with joy ]

[ dissolve to craps table ]

Craps Table Attendee: Here’s $5,000 in chips.. and here’s your credit card.. Mr. Ken Mortimer.

Falcon: [ screeches ]

Gambler: Come on! Roll me a hard 6!

[ Falcon rolls the dice ]

Craps Table Attendee: Winner!

Falcon: [ screeches ]

Gambler: [ surrounded by young woman and old woman ] Hey, what say we go back to my room with these broads and party!

[ dissolve to Gambler’s hotel room ]

Gambler: Better fuel up, Falcon. Vegas is open all night.

[ Falcon cuts razor blade across cocaine, sniffs it through a $20 bill, then hallucinates and screeches in high-pitched tones ]

[ dissolve to Falcon lying in bed with Gambler and the two women ]

Gambler: You were great, Falcon! And you weren’t bad, either.

Falcon: [ screeches ]

Gambler: Don’t worry, Falcon – whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

[ Falcon flies off ]

Gambler: [ to the old woman ] You remind me of my 1st grade teacher..

Old Woman: Really?

[ dissolve back to the forest, where upside-down Falconer is being pelted with sticks by Mexican children ]

The Falconer: Nooo! Por favor! Noooo!! Por favor!!

Falconer: [ swoops in and screeches ]

[ the children run off ]

Falconer: Oh! Oh, Donald! You’ve returned! Ohhhhh, and you’ve brought my credit card! Where did you find it, I lost it, like, two years ago! Aw, thank you. I’ll use the sharpest of its four dull edges to fray the rope! I’ll be free within a matter of weeks! And, until that time.. you will be the Falcon, and I shall remain..

[ title card is upside-down ]

Announcer: The Falconer!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 11/15/03: Gay Train

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 29: Episode 6

Gay TRain

Announcer…..Chris Parnell
Harvey Fierstein…..Alec Baldwin
Dancer…..Chris Parnell
Gerard…..Kenan Thompson
Tamara Kind…..Maya Rudolph
Sir Ian McKellen…..Seth Meyers

[ Techno music plays. On a black screen, the logos of each program are shown ]

Announcer: This November, from the network that brought you Boy Meets Boy and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Bravo is proud to present Tony Award winner Harvey Fierstein …

[ The music changes as we fade to a logo of a gyrating pink phallic-shaped train on a track, topped with a little purple phallic-shaped smoke stack shooting rainbows ]

Announcer: … in what will be their most homosexual show yet!

[ Fade to Harvey Fierstein in a club full of male dancers, holding a microphone with the show’s logo, Gay Train ]

Harvey Fierstein: GAAAAAAAAAAAAY TRAAAAAAAAAIN!

[ Zoom out and in on the male dancers, some of whom are shirtless. Switch back to the pink train logo, now with the show’s name ]

Announcer: Just like Soul Train, only gay! And with Harvey Fierstein.

[ Back to Harvey ]

Harvey Fierstein: Got your ticket? Get on board, ’cause the Gay Train is comin’ into your station, choo choo!

[ The camera floats among the male dancers ]

Announcer: All aboard Bravo’s Gay Train! And it’s not just dancing, it’s fashion, too! Because no one knows gays like Bravo, and no one knows fashion like gay guys!

[ Cut to Harvey interviewing a clubber ]

Harvey Fierstein: What’s your name and what are you wearing?

Gerard: My name is Gerard, and I am wearing John Varvatos.

Harvey Fierstein: Did you just roll your eyes at me?

Gerard: I did NOT roll my eyes!

Harvey Fierstein: Yes you did, you tired queen! I don’t know what you’re up to, but don’t try it! I’ll read you like the back of a can of frosting! [ pinches Gerard’s nipple and chuckles ]

[ Switch back to the pink train logo with the show’s name ]

Announcer: Could it get any gayer than that? Bravo says yes!

[ A CD cover takes up the screen: “Touch of Kindness,” by Tamara Kind ]

Announcer: By introducing some of the hottest vocalists in the gay club scene!

[ Back to Harvey ]

Harvey Fierstein: Okay, people, put your hands together for Tamara Kind!

[ Applause. Her techno-pop song begins … ]

Tamara Kind: [ spoken intro ]
All queens please report to the front desk.
You have a call. A very important call.

[ singing ]
Flaw-less!
Un-relentlessly flawless!
Unforgivably, I’m flawless!
In my Devons she-dungarees,
Wo-oh-oh-ah-oh-oooooohhhh … GAY!

[ The song ends, and everyone cheers ]

Harvey Fierstein: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you go, Tamara Kind! You heard it here first on GAAAAAAAAYYYY TRAAAAAAAIIIN!

[ Switch to the red background where the train logo was before. Photos are shown of George Michael, Rob Halford, Melissa Etheridge, and Rupert Everett ]

Announcer: Exclusive, in-depth interviews with hot gay celebrities!

[ Back to Harvey, doing the bump with Sir Ian McKellen. Both are holding microphones ]

Harvey Fierstein: Sir Ian McKellen, welcome to Gay Train!

Sir Ian McKellen: Thanks. It’s my new fave show.

Harvey Fierstein: I saw ya eyeballin’ some of the Gay Train dancers!

Sir Ian McKellen: So many cute boys, so much of an age difference!

Harvey Fierstein: Ha! Very funny, Gandalf! Let’s get serious, what’s your favorite Dolly Parton movie? 9 to 5 or Straight Talk?

Sir Ian McKellen: [ shrugs ] Eh. That’s a puzzler.

[ Switch to a different version of the train logo – the pink train has been replaced with a bigger, black train. The words “November” and the Bravo logo appear. ]

Announcer: This November, coming to Bravo …

[ Back to Harvey ]

Harvey Fierstein: [ zero in on his face ] GAAAAAAAAAAAAY TRAAAAAAAAAIN!

[ Switch to the “pink train” logo ]

Announcer: Don’t miss it!

[ Fade to black ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 11/15/03: Goodnights

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 29: Episode 6

Goodnights

…..Alec Baldwin

Alec Baldwin: Hey, everybody! Missy Elliot and Mike Myers! Mike Myers!

Saturday Night Live: 2002-2003

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 28: 2002-2003

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Starring:

Featuring:

Episodes

10/05/02: Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band

10/12/02: Sarah Michelle Geller / Faith Hill

10/19/02: Sen. John McCain / White Stripes

11/02/02: Eric McCormack / Jay-Z

11/09/02: Nia Vardalos / Eve

11/16/02: Brittany Murphy / Nelly

12/07/02: Robert DeNiro / Norah Jones

12/13/02: Al Gore / Phish

01/11/03: Jeff Gordon / Avril Lavigne

01/18/03: Ray Liotta / The Donnas

02/08/03: Matthew McConaughey / Dixie Chicks

02/15/03: Jennifer Garner / Beck

02/22/03: Christopher Walken / Foo Fighters

03/08/03: Queen Latifah / Ms. Dynamite

03/15/03: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera

04/05/03: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte

04/12/03: Ray Romano / Zwan

05/03/03: Ashton Kutcher / 50 Cent

05/10/03: Adrien Brody / Sean Paul, Wayne Wonder

05/17/03: Dan Aykroyd / Beyonce

Summary“Saturday Night Live” enters its 28th season following a year of high notes and unusual occurrences. The previous season began with an anthrax scare at 30 Rockefeller Plaza, continued with a midseason cast upgrade for Amy Poehler, the rehiring of Chris Parnell, and ultimately resulted in an Emmy Award for the writing staff. By season’s end, Will Ferrell announced his departure from the show, and Ana Gasteyer, who became the first pregnant cast member, announced her decision to leave after giving birth to a baby girl over the summer. Ferrell’s departure led fans to believe the show would no longer be as funny without him. New featured players Fred Armisen and Will Forte provide new life to the show, though weak sketch premises and constant on-air laughter between Jimmy Fallon and Horatio Sanz leave fans divided. Of the season’s diverse host selections, politicians Sen. John McCain and former Vice-President Al Gore deliver unexpected strong performances, and original Not Ready For Prime Time Player, Dan Aykroyd, often quoted as vowing to only make special guest appearances when needed, finally hosts “Saturday Night Live” in time for its 28th season finale.

Give Up The Ham

Give Up The Ham

Jennifer…..Amy Poehler
Aisha…..Queen Latifah
Sylvia…..Rachel Dratch
Shantelle…..Maya Rudolph
Charlene…..Tracy Morgan
Emily…..Chris Kattan
Butcher…..Will Forte
Narrator…..Chris Parnell

[Open on exterior of A&P supermarket]

[Interior of supermarket, looking down food aisle. A conservatively-dressed white woman with shopping car enters from right, and a casually-dressed black woman with shopping cart enters from left. Each approaches a freezer case in the middle of the aisle and they simultaneously reach for a large ham lying inside.]

Jennifer: [chuckles] Oh! Isn’t this funny?

Aisha: Heh. It *sure* is…

Jennifer: We both want this ham.

Aisha: We sure did! Hehehe… Well, are you gonna let it go?

Jennifer: Well, no. I mean, I got here first… so…

Aisha: Girl, this is *my* ham!

Jennifer: It’s *my* ham. My husband is bringing home some clients, somevery important clients, and I was going to serve ham. [they begin towrestle more over the ham] There! You thoroughly embarrassed me, so if you would just please…

Aisha: Nuh-uh! I’m’a take this ham home, and I’m’a eat it! [ham-wrestling intensifies]

Jennifer: Ma’am, it’s *my* ham…

Aisha: Don’t you “Ma’am” me, Miss Smarty-Mouth!

Jennifer: Okay, perfect. Are you satisfied?

Aisha: I’ll be satisfied when you let go of my ham!

Jennifer: Uh! I’d hardly expect you to understand this, but I was going to glaze this ham. Do you see what I have in my cart? There’s some cinnamon, some corn syrup, some light brown sugar, half a cup of apple cider… So there you have it, gimme the ham!…

Aisha: Well, for your infor-fay-she-on, I was gonna put a half a pound of butter on this ham, and pineapple it, and stick mad cloves in it, and then I was gonna bake it, and then me an’ my peoples was gonna eat it. So there you have it…

[Second conservatively dressed white woman enters from right]

Sylvia: Oh! Jennifer! Jennifer Hastings!

Jennifer: Sylvia Nash, my God…

Sylvia: [looking incredulously at both women’s hands on the ham] What in heaven’s name?!…

Jennifer: This woman won’t let go of my ham!

Sylvia: [scolding] You let go of it immediately! That’s Jenny’s ham!

Aisha: Shut up! I’m takin’ this ham!

Jennifer: No you’re not…

Sylvia: [reaching in to assist Mrs. Hastings] Give her the ham, you vulgar lady!

[Second casually-dressed black woman enters from left]

Shantelle: Aisha!

Aisha: Shantelle!

Shantelle: What you doin’, girl?

Aisha: These two white bitches is tryin’ to steal my ham!

Shantelle: Oh no they not! You better let go of that ham befo’ you get hit with it upside ya head!

Sylvia: Oh, now listen both of you: Jennifer Hastings is one of the finest women I know. If she says that that is her ham, then I am sure that that is *her* ham!

Jennifer: Thank you, Sylvia. Now let go of the ham!

[Third casually-dressed black woman enters]

Charlene: Aisha, Shantello!

Aisha and Shantelle: [in unison] Hey Charlene!

Charlene: Why is she pullin’ on that ham?

Shantelle: ‘Cause it’s *hers*, and Martha Stewart over there won’t let go…

Jennifer: [sighs]

Charlene: Well just pull on it, girl — you got some pounds on her!

Aisha: What you think I been tryin’ to do? She pullin’ on it like a pit bull!

Jennifer: Uh! How dare you?! I have half a mind…

Aisha: You let go of this ham!

Jennifer: Not on your life! [imperiously] This ham will be glazed, in my Viking stove, on my Williams-Sonoma oven rack…

[Third white woman enters from right, wearing tennis attire and carrying a racket]

Emily: [approaching] Did I hear Jennifer Hastings?

Jennifer: Oh! Emily! Thank God…

Sylvia: Emily, it’s *beyond* horrific: poor Jennifer is about to lose her ham!

Emily: Oh! [wagging finger] Let go of that ham! That ham belongs to myfriend Jennifer Hastings!

Charlene: Ohhhh yeah, let me grab that ham! [reaches in to assist]

Emily: [reaching over with tennis racket and swinging] Keep your hands off her ham!

Jennifer: Uh! Let go!

Aisha: You let go!

Shantelle: You let go!

Emily: Ham-stealer! You’re a ham-stealer!

[arguing and wrestling continues]

[Faint soulful/psychedelic music begins as long-haired man in butcher’sapron enters from rear left]

Butcher: Stop it! Stop it this instant! [lights go down as he takes hamfrom between the two women and walks to the front of the freezer case]Everyone just needs to cooooooool out.

[singing]
Give up the haaaaaam! Let the ham go and
Give up the haaaaaam!
Oh yeah!…
Give up the haaaaaam! Peace and unity,
Give up the haaaaaam!
All right!…
Give up the haaaaaam! Brother loving brother,
Give up the haaaaaam!
Oh yeah!…
Give up the haaaaaam! Let the ham go and
Give up the haaaaaam!
[raises ham over head]

[Music continues, and ham combatants hum and sway with the music. Mandressed in suit and tie enters foreground from right]

Narrator: Give up… the ham. Pretty powerful words. I can’t speak for the writer, but maybe this simple piece about a fight over a ham was more about people loving one another in these trying times.

I *do* know this: the writer of this sketch would really like to thank the makers of Rheingold Beer for their generous offer this week. We don’t often get sent free stuff, so when a case of their very fine beer was delivered to the offices, this particular writer took it upon himself to enjoy the smooth taste of each bottle.

Although he pounded the sketch out in ten minutes while drunk off his ass, I don’t think that takes away from the enduring message he’s brough forth tonight. So, yeah: let’s *do*… give up the ham. And thanks, Rheingold.

[Man in suit cocks his head, makes double-gun motion with his hands, and exits. In background, ham combatants hug.]

Thanks to Amanda for this transcript!

Profiles In Jazz

Profiles In Jazz

Jack Perkins…..Darrell Hammond
Alberta Jones…..Queen Latifah
Friend/Louis Armstrong…..Tracy Morgan
Della Peyton…..Maya Rudolph
Kelvyn Delongpre…..Fred Armisen
Rufus Monroe…..Dean Edwards

Announcer: Youre watching A&E, which means youre old, or youre asleep and accidentally rolled over onto the remote control. Coming up at 11:00 on A&E, it’s.. “Biography”: The Guy Who Played Dauber on “Coach”, Bill Fager- something.. But, first.. “Profiles In Jazz”.

[ dissolve to the haggard-as-usual Jack Perkins on his part of the set, holding up a drink of something strong ]

Jack Perkins: Welcome to “Profiles In Jazz”. I’m Jack Perkins. I used to host “Biography’, but, apparently, the pansies upstairs thought my drinking was becoming a problem. I don’t think I have a drinking problem! I drink, I get drunk; I pass out naked in the middle of the A&E Christmas party! No problemo! [ pause ] Anyway.. back in 1926, down in tiny Mecklenberg, Mississippi.. one of the biggest, most controverial voices in jazz was about to burst onto the scene. Miss Alberta Jones.

[ dissolve to a remembrance by an anonymous friend ]

Friend: I first saw Alberta Jones in 1924. I was walking down the street, and she had cracked me clean across the face with a Louisville Slugger! Now, she had thought I was the guy who stole her icebox! I did still her icebox! But the thing about Alberta was that she sang about things that other people wouldn’t – especially the females! [ laughing ] And I’m talking about sexual things here! Her songs were filled with sexual innuendos! Like that one song.. that one song.. “Milkman’s Blues”!

[ dissolve to archive black-and-white footage of Alberta Jones singing in a smoky nightclub ]

Alberta Jones: [ singing ]
“The milkman came around
Brought me a jar of his love.
Yeah, he brought me fresh cream
Said he wouldn’t wear no glove.
Every time the milkman came around
I knew I was gonna get laid!”

[ dissolve to a remembrance by friend Della Peyton ]

Della Peyton: Y-yeah, you see.. if you listen very carefully.. the song wasn’t just about a milkman delivering milk.. it was also about sexual intercourse, you see.. The part that gives it away is when she say she gonna get laid.. One of my favorites was a saucy little tune called “Joe The Plumber”.

[ dissolve to another archive black-and-white footage of Alberta Jones singing in a smoky nightclub ]

Alberta Jones: [ singing ]
“That man, Joe The Plumber
He sure know how to lay your pipes.
He can unclog my drain
Up to ten times a night.

Just to be clear,
the drain refers to my sexual organs
Hey, Mr. Plumber..
Whaddaya say we hump?”

[ dissolve to remembrance by jazz historian Kelvyn Delongpre ]

Kelvyn Delongpre: The 20’s were a really transformative time for Jazz, and the African-American diaspora as a whole. These songs were a mode of reclaiming the sexuality that had long been suppressed by the social racial status quo.

[ dissolve to remembrance by former lover Kelvyn Delongpre ]

Kelvyn Delongpre: Yeah.. Alberta Jones was pretty much jusy a ho! I mean, she’d do the nasty with just about anyone! Man.. women.. old people.. cigar store Indian.. you name it!

[ dissolve to another archive black-and-white footage of Alberta Jones singing in a smoky nightclub ]

Alberta Jones: [ singing ]
“Let’s make whoopee in a park
Let’s make whoopee in a car
Let’s make whoopee in a tree
Ohh.. let’s make whoopee..In.. my.. butt!”

[ dissolve back to Jack Perkins ]

Jack Perkins: When she died at the age of 29, due to what scientists called a “perfect storm” of venereal diseases, Alberta left behind osme of the Blues’ most poetic and timeles classics. Songs like: “Butt Party”.. “I Don’t Do Oral”.. “Weiner Patrol”.. “Okay, Fine, I’ll Do Oral”.. “Autumn Nocturn”.. “Teabags For Two”.. Alright, I’m not reading the rest of these. Her most famous song, of course, was her duet with Louis Armstrong, called “Lovin’ You”.

[ dissolve to archive black-and-white footage of Alberta Jones singing with Louis Armstrong ]

Louis Armstrong: “Loving you baby is all I wanna do.”

Alberta Jones: “Loving you baby is easy ‘cuz it’s true.”

Louis Armstrong: “I’m gonna flip you over sideways, and..”[ A black Censored bar appears over Armstring’s mouth, followed by a long bleeping noise commonly heard when TV shows bleep out offensive language ]

[ dissolve back to Jack Perkins ]

Jack Perkins: We can’t show you any more of that twenty-four minute masterpiece! In fact, owning a copy of the recording is still a crime in several states! But, that was Alberta Jones. Songbird.. poetess.. legend.. old-fashioned ho bag. For A&E, I’m Jack Perkins. Nighty-nite!

Queen Latifah’s Monologue

Queen Latifah’s Monologue

…..Queen Latifah
Sebastian…..Horatio Sanz
Sagamour…..Seth Meyers
The Royal Duchess of the Latifah Highlands…..Maya Rudolph
Sir Mix-A-Lot…..Tracy Morgan

Queen Latifah: Yes! Thank you! Thank you very, very much! Oh, my God! It has been a crazy.. [ audience won’t stop clapping ] Alright. [ applause finally calms down ] I’ll tell you, it has been a crazy few months, yo! My movie “Bringing Down The House” out, it’s doing great! I did this movie “Chicago”, I got nominated for an Oscar! [ audience breaks into wild applause ] And it is great to be here in New York, but I want make sure I give it up to my peeples over in the illtown You know what I’m sayin’? You gotta remember where you come from!

[ Shakespearean-like performers step forward and blow a trumpet fanfare ]

Wha..?

Sebastian: Queen Latifah! We have

Queen Latifah: [ in heavy British accent ] Oh, my God! Sebastian! Sagamour! Now is not a good time!

Sagamour: The Kingdom of Latifah is in peril! Hordes of marauders are attacking our borders!

Queen Latifah: Oh, heavy hangs the head that wears the crown of the Kingdom of Latifah. Who dares attack the Latifians?!

Sebastian: There are new threats from old enemies. And the townspeople of Nellyville are living in constant fer!

Queen Latifah: Do you mean “fear”?

Sebastian: They say fer!

Sagamour: Meanwhile, there’s a wizardice named Missy Elliot – she speaks in tongues!

Queen Latifah: Tongues?

Sagamour: She keeps chanting.. “Bremenemin Nerhur! Bremenemin Nerhur!”

Sebastian: On our northern borders, the armies have Cool J have returned to harass the Latifians!

Sagamour: We never thought the House of Cool J would come back!

Queen Latifah: Don’t call it a “comeback”! He’s been there for years! And what of the Latifian army?! Have you contacted the Fresh Prince?

Sebastian: Yes! But, sadly, weve only heard back from DJ Jazzy Jeff. He calls a lot. I mean – a lot.

The Royal Duchess of the Latifah Highlands: Your Highness!

Queen Latifah: My goodness.. it is my sister, the Royal Duchess of the Latifah Highlands.

The Royal Duchess of the Latifah Highlands: Please.. call me Cad Tlakwa. Your kingdom needs you. I don’t understand what you have to gain by dwelling amongst.. the commoners.

Queen Latifah: I’m the ambassador from the Latifians to the rest of the world! That is why I became the First Lady of Hip Hop.

The Royal Duchess of the Latifah Highlands: True.

Queen Latifah: And, that’s why I did a show entitled.. “Living Single”.

The Royal Duchess of the Latifah Highlands: Ohhhhh! That was you?! That show was funny! Yeah! Tootie grew up cute, too!

Queen Latifah: [ laughs ] Didn’t she, though! And that’s why I’m going to the Oscars!

The Royal Duchess of the Latifah Highlands: Baby girrrrl!! Who you sittin’ next to?

Queen Latifah: Girl, Daniel Day-Lewis!

The Royal Duchess of the Latifah Highlands: Mmm! Mmm! Love me that white sugar!

[ Sir Mix-A-Lot, actually dressed as a knight in armor, makes his entrance ]

Sir Mix-A-Lot: Yo, Queen! The enemy has been defeated!

Queen Latifah: What?! What great news, Sir Mix-A-Lot!

Sir Mix-A-Lot: Yeah, that’s good, but it took me a fortnight to get here on my Stallion Escalade! Got pulled over six times – a black man can’t own a white horse in this town!

Queen Latifah: Oh, dear.. how can I ever repay you, Sir Mix-A-Lot?

Sir Mix-A-Lot: I cannot lie. I like big butts! [ singing ] “I like big butts, and I cannot lie!“

Queen Latifah: Okay! Okay, Tracy, we get it! Okay, we got a great show for you tonight! Ms. Dynamite is here! Yeah! so, stick around, we’ll be right back!

Live! With Regis & Kelly

Live! With Regis & Kelly

Regis Philbin…..Darrell Hammond
Kelly Ripa…..Amy Poehler
Gelman…..Chris Kattan
Frenchie Davis…..Queen Latifah

[ open on show logo ]

Announcer: It’s “Live! With Regis & Kelly!” Today, we’ve got controversial “American Idol” contestant, Frenchie Davis; from “Old School”, Dan Finnerty; plus: Wild, Wild Travel Trivia! Now, here are Regis Philbin and Kelly Ripa!

[ to Regis & Kelly entering the set and taking their seats ]

Regis Philbin: Well, well, well, well! Good morning, everybody!

Kelly Ripa: Hellooooo!! Hello!

Regis Philbin: Look who’s visiting us today from her maternity leave!

Kelly Ripa: Good morning!

Regis Philbin: [ getting right to the show, earnestly without interruption ] Have you seen the Post today? On Page..

Kelly Ripa: You guys, I am still.. TIRED.. from that delivery!

Regis Philbin: On Page.. On Page 3, it says “Ripa Rips One Out!” That’s the headline!

Kelly Ripa: We thought there was only one baby in there.. but there was a litter of EIGHT BABIES in my belly!

Regis Philbin: They’re writing articles about the delivery!

Kelly Ripa: And I delivered them without psinkillers!

Regis Philbin: People have babies every day! It’s not that unusual!

Kelly Ripa: And, the next day, I shot a shampoo commercial! [ laughs ]

Regis Philbin: Now.. I’ve been in television 51 years..

Kelly Ripa: Hoo, my mom is 51!

Regis Philbin: I never once got press like this! Not one time!

Kelly Ripa: Never!

Regis Philbin: Well, anyway.. I understand you brought some.. pictures of the new babies?

Kelly Ripa: Yes. This is Jake..

[ show picture of baby ]

Regis Philbin: Adorable.

Kelly Ripa: This is Lily..

[ show picture of baby ]

Regis Philbin: Precious.

Kelly Ripa: This is Wakeem..

[ show picture of baby ]

Regis Philbin: Oh, my.

Kelly Ripa: This is Maggie..

[ show picture of baby ]

Regis Philbin: So cute!

Kelly Ripa: This is Mark, Jr..

[ show picture of baby ]

Regis Philbin: Sweetheart.

Kelly Ripa: This is Gracie..

[ show picture of baby ]

Regis Philbin: Gorgeous.

Kelly Ripa: This is Consuela..

[ show picture of baby ]

Regis Philbin: Adorable!

Kelly Ripa: And this is Pee-Wee!

[ show picture of baby ]

Regis Philbin: Not that cute. Well, that’s terrific. [ looks offscreen ] How are you today, Gelman?

[ cut to Gelman standing next to the camera, wearing a gay Mexican sombrero ]

Gelman: I’m great, Reege!

Regis Philbin: What’d you do this weekend, Gelman?

Gelman: Well, my wife has that flu that’s going around.. so, I took in a few piano bars.

Regis Philbin: Alright, uh.. who’s our first guest today, Gelman?

Gelman: Frenchie Davis.

Kelly Ripa: Ah! She has such a good voice, Reege!

Regis Philbin: Yeah. She got kicked off “American Idol”, and this girl is good. I mean, she could have been the next Sarah Vaughn!

Kelly Ripa: [ laughing ] I don’t know who that is, Regis! WHO IS THAT?!!

Regis Philbin: [ stunned silence at first ] Please welcome.. [ Kelly wraps her arms around Regis’ torso ] Careful, or we’ll BOTH get pregnant! [ Kelly giggles ] Please welcome Frenchie Davis!

[ Frenchie Davis enters set and sits across from Regis & Kelly ]

Frenchie Davis: Thank you for having me, Reggie!

Regis Philbin: Frenchie, welcome to the show.

Frenchie Davis: Thank you for having me, Reggie.

Regis Philbin: Now, for those of you who don’t know, Frenchie was a leading contender on “American Idol”, when, all of a sudden, she pops her bobs out on a dirty website, and she gets disqualified!

Frenchie Davis: That’s right, Reggie. ‘Cause you know, FOX is such a classy network, I guess my.. my intimate pictorial was a little too risque for them. But, if y’all want to see it, go to cocoajugs.com!

Regis Philbin: Have you seen this? The internet website? In my day, if you wanted to see naked ladies, you had to put on your coat, get change for a quarter, and walk down to 42nd St. Am I right, Gelman?

Gelman: [ shaking head, smiling ] I wouldn’t know, Reege!

Regis Philbin: Frenchie, why did you do it? Why did you pose topless?

Frenchie Davis: Because, Reggie.. I mean.. I may not have long, blonde hair, or be a slender 160 pounds.. but I love my body! I love it! I really do. And I think I’m very sexy! And, also, depending on where you at in life, $25 can seem like a lot of money, you know what I’m saying?

Regis Philbin: But you got disqualified!

Kelly Ripa: Oh, it is so unfair, Reege. ‘Cause so many stars posed nude on the way up. Madonna, Vaness Williams..

Regis Philbin: Jayne Mansfield.

Kelly Ripa: Ugh! I don’t know who that is, Reege! [ wrapping her arms all over Regis’ body, practically copping a seductive feel ] Who is that! [ wraps her left leg across Regis’ lap ] Who is she!

[ at this point, Darrell Hammond does what he can to refrain from laughing at Amy Poehler’s over-the-top portrayal of Kelly Ripa ]

Regis Philbin: I don’t remember! Alright.. now.. alright.. Frenchie.. Simon Cowell. Simon Cowell, is he really mean or is he a nice guy?

Frenchie Davis: Hmm.. well, Reggie, I never had a prblem with Simon, ’cause I can sang. You know, I’m not like some of these rhyme-star Nikki McKibbin mofos!

Regis Philbin: A bunch of mofos!

Kelly Ripa: You know.. I bet Simon’s a lot like you, Reege.. he seems really gruff and grumpy, but, deep down, he’s just as cute as a little bug’s ear, Big Daddy! [ pinches Regis’ cheeks ]

Regis Philbin: Gelman.. Am I cute as a bugs ear, Gelman?

Gelman: Dont go there, Reege!

Kelly Ripa: Now, Frenchie.. Frenchie.. are they gonna bring you back on “American Idol”, right at the end? ‘Cause I think that would be great! As like a surprise twist!

Frenchie Davis: Well.. the way I left it with the people at FOX was.. if they wanted me to come back on the show, they could contact my natural black ass!

[ Regis and Kelly laugh uproariously ]

Regis Philbin: [ peers straight at the camera, arms extended ] That’s wonderful!

Kelly Ripa: Okay, alright.. Frenchie, would you sing something for us today.. please? Please?

Regis Philbin: Please, Frenchie.

Frenchie Davis: [ talked into it ] Okay.. sure. This is my signature song. It’s from “Dream Girls”. Hit it!
[ singing ]
“And I am telling you
I’m not going.
No, you’re the best man I’ll ever know.
There’s no way I can ever go.
No, no, no, no way.”

[ show Gelman bouncing his head happily ]

“No, no, no, no way I’m living without you.No, I’m not living without you…”

Regis Philbin: That’s incredible! That’s so loud!

[ Kelly re-enters frame, with noticeable weight suddenly in her stomach ]

Kelly Ripa: Oh, my God! Look what happened!

Frenchie Davis: [ still singing ]
“Oh!
She knocked up again!
Knocked up again..!”

Regis Philbin: When we come back: Wild, Wild Travel Trivia!

Frenchie Davis: [ continues to sing ]
“Wild Travel Trivia!
Wiiiiilllldd..”

[ cue logo card, fade ]