[ cut back to Kevin Nealon in “Automobile Club”, 11/22/86 ]
Kevin Nealon: And how about these miles scales, on the bottom? Have you ever tried to figure those out? They’re so inaccurate, because you have to do it with your fingers, you know? Because you don’t have a protractor in the car! So you get your fingers out, and you get 50, 60, 70 — by the time you get it up here, it’s like 7,000 miles from your hotel to the supermarket. Maybe — maybe If you did it real fast. You know, 50, 60, 70. [ moves his fingers across the map very quickly ] And maybe, they oughta just draw a little thumb and finger down there, like there, like that.
[ cut to Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers’ performance of “Change of Heart”, 02/19/83 ]
Tom Petty: [ singing ] “Oh yeah, oh boy Looks like we finally reached a turning point Oh me oh my Looks like it’s time for me to kiss you goodbye Yeah, I can kiss you goodbye There’s been a change there’s been a change of heart.”
[ cut to Dick Ebersol ]
Dick Ebersol: After spending the long weekend in New York, watching the show secretly, it was worse than I thought it would be.
[ cut to Gail Matthius ]
Gail Matthius: We got taken off the air. And everybody said, “Go away, go away for a month. We’ve gotta figure some things out.”
[ cut to Gilbert Gottfried ]
Gilbert Gottfried: Now, when you come back, we’ll tell you how we’ll be tweaking things. Doing it a little different.
[ cut to Bill Murray as an author revising his novel as the cast acts out the scene behind him, in “Writer’s Script”, 03/07/81 ]
Author: “He chose his wife.”
[ the Jilted Husband shoots his wife – gun shot ]
Author: “She screamed –“
[ the Wife screams upon being shot ]
Author: “– and fell to the couch.”
[ she starts to fall away from the couch, but Mr. Lawnsdale pulls into the other direction and allows her to fall to the couch ]
Author: No, that’s no good. “Instead, he lets Old Man Lawnsdale have it.”
[ the Jilted Husband shoots Mr. Lawnsdale – gun shot ]
Author: Yeah, that’s it. “He — Lawnsdale falls to the ground.”
[ Mr. Lawnsdale falls to the ground ]
Author: No, no, that’s no good. “He falls backwards over the couch and slams his head through the Plate-Glass window.”
[ Mr. Lawnsdale looks toward the author like he’s insane, but complies with the storyline and sprawls across the edge of the couch and slams his head through the Plate-Glass window – glass shatters ]
Author: No, I don’t like that, either. “Instead, he staggers around the room, wildly, blindly.” [ Mr. Lawnsdale stands up and staggers ] “Finally, smashing against the bookcase, pulling the entire works of Leo Tolstoy down on his crumpled, lifeless body.”
[ Mr. Lawnsdale staggers into the bookcase, cradles the books into his arms and falls to the ground ]
[ cut to Gail Matthius ]
Gail Matthius: And then we came back.
[ cut to Joe Piscopo ]
Joe Piscopo: And we heard, “Who’s coming in? We don’t know. Is Lorne coming back? What’s going on?” It was great. It was turmoil!
[ cut to Al Franken commentary on “Weekend Update with Chevy Chase”, 04/11/81 ]
Al Franken: Okay, now, who do they pick to rectify the original error? Someone who knows what he’s doing? Someone like me, Al Franken? [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] No, they picked Dick Ebersol.
[ cut to Dick Ebersol ]
Dick Ebersol: There was no chance whatsoever for resurrecting anything resembling “Saturday Night Live”, unless it had Lorne’s approval.
Lorne Michaels: Dick called me and asked If we could have dinner. And he said that Brandon had talked to him. We sat and we talked, and he said that he thought he wanted to do it. And how would I feel about it? And I said, “My first reaction would be that it would be all right.”
Barry Blaustein V/O: He got Lorne’s blessing, which opened up all the old stars —
[ quick clips of John Belushi’s cameo (10/31/81), Father Guido Sarducci hosting (01/14/84), Lily Tomlin exiting Eddie Murphy’s dressing room (01/22/83) ]
Lily Tomlin: “Live from New York, it’s “The Lily Tomlin Show!” [ Eddie Murphy’s arm tugs her back into the hall ]
[ cut to Chevy Chase anchoring Weekend Update, 04/11/81 ]
Chevy Chase: [ talking into the phone ] I think just a firm and gentle tug on the string, and it — [ looks at the camera, quickly hangs up ]
Barry Blaustein V/O: — and all the old writers. Suddenly, Marilyn Miller was in the office, and Alan Zweibel, all happy to help out. So it was brilliant. If Jean had done that, it would have changed history.
[ cut to Al Franken commentary on “Weekend Update with Chevy Chase”, 04/11/81 ]
Al Franken: I know Dick, and I can tell you that he doesn’t know dick. [ laughter and applause ] Okay. Now, the show is going to be a little better. No English-speaking person could do a worse job than Jean.
[ cut to Barry Blaustein ]
Barry Blaustein: Dick Ebersol came in, we did one show. But then, there was a writers’ strike.
[ cut to Dick Ebersol ]
Dick Ebersol: That was the profound miracle of that first period. Because it was very important to me that the show stop, so that it could re-tool and get new people.
[ cut to Joe Piscopo ]
Joe Piscopo: Cut to 17th floor. Bang — everybody getting axed.
[ cut to Gail Matthius ]
Gail Matthius: We had individual meetings with Dick Ebersol. We went in one at a time.
[ cut to Gilbert Gottfried ]
Gilbert Gottfried: You know, it’s always like — “This is always worse for me than it is for you. This hurts me so much more. I’ll have a job. I’ll be making money. You won’t. But it hurts me more.”
[ cut to Bruce Hornsby & The Range’s performance of “The Way It Is”, 01/31/87 ]
Bruce Hornsby: [ singing ] “Standing in line marking time waiting for the welfare dime ‘Cause they can’t buy a job Man in the silk suit hurries by As he catches the poor old lady’s eyes Just for fun he says, “get a job.”
That’s just the way it is Some things never change That’s just the way it is That’s just the way it is.”
Barry Blaustein V/O: There was a total housecleaning. Dick came in, and he fired everyone — except David, myself, Pam Norris, Eddie Murphy and Joe Piscopo.
[ cut to Bob Tischler ]
Bob Tischler: It was a way of basically making the show our own, rather than just inheriting Jean’s staff.
Joe Piscopo: And they bring Eddie and I before Mr. Ebersol. And Dick says, “I think we’re gonna keep you guys around.”
[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky ]
Tim Kazurinsky: Dick sent Joe and Eddie to Chicago, thinking, “They need some training.” So they both slept on my floor, and we went to do the shows at Second City.
Joe Piscopo: And we came back with some of the Second City guys. And that’s when we started to move.
Nora Dunn: What I loved about “Saturday Night Live,” was that you could get yourself into so many different kinds of roles.
[ cut to the Church Lady (Dana Carvey) holding up a jack-o-lantern on “Church Chat”, 11/08/86 ]
Church Lady: What do we have here? A raging inferno of satanic hellfire. Isn’t that special?
[ cut to Nora Dunn ]
Nora Dunn: You have to come up with this little short story.
[ cut to the flexing muscles of Hans (Dana Carvey) and Franz (Kevin Nealon) on “Pumping Up With Hans & Franz”, ??/??/?? ]
Dana Carvey V/O: Kevin and I started just doing Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions, and started extrapolating. [ Speaking like Arnold ]
Welcome.
Hans: We’re back. All right. Once again, I am Hans.
Franz: And I am Franz. And we just want to
Together: Pump — [ they clap ] you up!
All right.
All right. Enough talk. We’re not here to talk.
[ cut to Dana Carvey ]
Dana Carvey: The thing that made us laugh the most was that they never work out. And they’re just scolding people in the audience in some sado-masochist — let me tell you something. They’re so defensive.
[ cut back to “Pumping Up With Hans & Franz”, ??/??/?? ]
Franz: A muscle is a terrible thing to waste.
Hans: Yeah.
Franz: That’s right, Hans. And, if you’re going to be a flabby-waist little girly man, maybe you should be disciplined.
Hans: Yeah, believe me now. We should take your wasted muscle —
Franz: Which is flab.
Hans: Yeah, and stretch it into a flab rope ladder so you can climb back down into the sewer you crawled out of.
A. Whitney Brown V/O: Some jokes only appealed to one out of ten people. But when that one person hears the joke and laughs, the rest of the audience starts looking for it. Then, when they look for it, they find it. And that’s what a great actor’s like. They will actually look for the joke and find it.
[ cut to Peter Graves (Phil Hartman) interviewing Dr. Charles Claproth (Jon Lovitz) on “Discover“, 02/28/87 ]
Peter Graves: This is Dr. Charles Claproth, Professor of Physics here at New York University.
Dr. Charles Claproth: [ listlessly ] Hello.
Peter Graves: Doctor, what are we looking at? [ points to a suspended model in front of them ]
Dr. Charles Claproth: Peter, this is a model of a water molecule.
Peter Graves: And what is a molecule?
Dr. Charles Claproth: A molecule is the smallest portion of asubstance which still retains the characteristics of that substance.
Peter Graves: Aaalll right, so, this model is not actual size, then?
[ cut to Victoria Jackson ]
Victoria Jackson: My first year, I was terrified of everything. By the third year, we were like a well-oiled machine.
[ cut to Victoria Jackson ripping off her blonde wig on “Weekend Update with Dennis Miller”, 02/20/88 ]
Victoria Jackson: I can’t do this stupid Victoria airhead thing anymore. I’m a serious actress, and it’s really making me sick. I mean, how long can you pound a thing into the ground? You know, what really kills me is that people buy it – the voice, the poems, go figure.
Dennis Miller: Vic, but wait.
Victoria Jackson: Shut up!
[ cut to Victoria Jackson ]
Victoria Jackson: My own Dad called me that night and said, “Vicki, that was really scary because I’ve known you you’re whole life, and I couldn’t tell which one was the real you. [ waves her arm up with a flourish ] Acting!
[ cut to Danny DeVito ]
Danny DeVito: It’s very difficult to keep a straight face on stage with most of those people, let alone hit your mark and know the lines or whatever.
[ cut to Mexican Bandit (Danny DeVito) firing shots in a saloon in “You Shot Me”, 12/03/88 ]
Victim: Ouch, ouch, ouch!
Mexican Bandit: What, what?
Victim: Oh, you shot me!
[ cut to Danny DeVito ]
Danny DeVito: There was this skit I did with Jon Lovitz, where he says, “You shot me. You shot me.”
[ cut to Victim (Jon Lovitz) lying in bed as Mexican Bandit (Danny DeVito) stands vigil in “You Shot Me”, 12/03/88 ]
Mexican Bandit: Maybe we both are at fault, Senor.
Victim: No, no, it’s all your fault. You made me dance, and then you shot me! In the foot! You shot me!
[ cut to Jon Lovitz ]
Jon Lovitz: There wasn’t any laughs except for saying, “You shot me.” So, I just started adding a bunch. And he started laughing, so then I just kept saying it. Then, I was trying to make him laugh, going “You shot me!”
[ cut back to Victim (Jon Lovitz) lying in bed as Mexican Bandit (Danny DeVito) stands vigil in “You Shot Me”, 12/03/88 ]
Mexican Bandit: I am sorry, okay?
Victim: No, it’s not okay. You shot me!
Mexican Bandit: Do you not accept my apology, Senor?
Victim: No, I don’t accept your apology!
Mexican Bandit: But you must accept it.
Victim: You shot me! You shot me!
[ cut to Danny DeVito ]
Danny DeVito: I was on the floor with the audience.
[ cut to Kathleen Fulmer (Nora Dunn) interviewing Tonto (Jon Lovitz), Tarzan (Kevin Nealon) and Frankenstein (Phil Hartman) on “Succinctly Speaking“, 12/19/87 ]
Kathleen Fulmer: Good evening and welcome to “Succinctly Speaking.” I’m Kathleen Fulmer. My guests today include Tonto, Tarzan and Frankenstein. All right, Tarzan, let’s start with you: Fire.
Tarzan: Fire good.
Kathleen Fulmer: Mm-hmm. Tonto?
Tonto: Fire good.
Kathleen Fulmer: All right. Frankenstein?
Frankenstein: [Growls] Fire bad!
Kathleen Fulmer: Okay, we have a difference of opinion, and I think that’s what makes our forum work, the give and take.
Jon Lovitz V/O: And we’re doing the sketch, and all of a sudden, Phil just goes, “Ha Ha!” Just, like, out of the blue.
Kathleen Fulmer: Thank you. Well, that’s all the time we have. Join us next week when we’ll be talking with the cavemen from Quest For Fire.
[Phil is trying hard to hold in his laughter. He stands up and tries to stay in character as he walks to the back of the set]
Frankenstein: [Growls] Fire [laughs] bad! Fire bad! [He breaks through the back wall of the set. Tarzan jumps onto his chair, then climbs back down]
[ cut to Al Franken ]
Al Franken: There are years where the performers dominate. There are years where the writers dominate. And then there are years where there are great writing staff, and great performers. And those are the years. Those are the really great years.
[ cut to A. Whitney Brown ]
A. Whitney Brown: We knew we had a good cast, and that we were going to do good shows. And that “Saturday Night Live” was back.
[ cut to Lorne Michaels ]
Lorne Michaels: There was a real intelligence to what we were doing. And I think we were all proud of what we were doing. I don’t think we ever thought, “It’s as good as what we did in the past,” because I don’t think anyone would ever speak that aloud. I can now, but I think at that time, I don’t think we would have. But I think we were quietly pleased with ourselves.
[ cut to Don Henley’s performance of “The Last Worthless Evening”, 10/28/89 ]
Don Henley: [ singing ] “Every night it’s the same old crowd, smoky rooms Let your fate plant some love sometimes, but it never blooms I been around this block a time or two I’ve made some big mistakes But, girl, I promise you I promise you.
This is the last worthless evening that you have to spend, babe Just give me a chance to show you how to love again.”
[ cut to Jim Belushi ]
Jim Belushi: Everything since “Saturday Night Live” has been easy. Two divorces were easier than “Saturday Night Live.”
[ cut to Dana Carvey ]
Dana Carvey: I thought my legacy would be that I was in the last cast. And they actually made me turn out the light to 8-H, and lock the door, you know?
[ cut to Julia Louis-Dreyfus ]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: I mean, I really did learn an enourmous amount about how television works, how the business of show works.
[ cut to Kevin Nealon ]
Kevin Nealon: For a lot of people that was a stepping stone. For me, I thought, this is it. This is fantastic. I don’t even belong here, and I’m here.
[ cut to Billy Crystal ]
Billy Crystal: It’s late at night. It’s almost like, well, the network closed and these guys got a chance to put on the lights and fool around for a little while, you know?
[ cut to Nora Dunn ]
Nora Dunn: It wasn’t until I was completey finished with that that I realized, wow, that was really such a perfect job for what I loved to do. And it’s never going to happen again.
[ cut to Lorne Michaels ]
Lorne Michaels: Should it exist? Was it worthwhile that it isisted? Was it just habit and familiarity? Or could there be new wine in old bottles? As they used to say. [ smiles ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Special: Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found
Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found
…..Dana Carvey …..Billy Crystal …..Joe Piscopo …..Julia Louis-Dreyfus …..Martin Short …..Conan O’Brien …..Lorne Michaels …..Tom Davis …..Laurie Zaks …..Gilbert Gottfried …..Gail Matthius …..Denny Dillon …..Tim Kazurinsky …..Neil Levy …..David Sheffield …..Barry Blaustein …..Gary Kroeger …..Bob Tischler
Note: You’ll notice occasionally that I’ve failed to identify a voiceover or a sketch and its air date. If anyone can fill in one or more of these holes, please post the addendums to the Message Board. Thanks!
[ open on Dana Carvey seated before a fuzzy television screen background, speaking in his Johnny Carson voice ]
Dana Carvey: For those of you at home right now, you’re watching a thing called a television. And we’re broadcasting images that you can see!
[ Dana Carvey’s image spins inward and disappears in a swirl that opens onto the 80’s history of “Saturday Night Live” as spread across a road map ]
[ pan east across the road map to the title graphic ]
[ pan east across map to a 1980-81 cast graphic, hold, then pan right to a framed live photo of Billy Crystal ]
Billy Crystal: Even though I’d had a successful run on “Soap,” and so on and so forth, I had the chance to do what I really felt I could do, and what I always wanted to do.
[ cut to Fernando interviewing Ringo Starr and Barbara Bach on “Fernando’s Hideaway”, 12/08/84 ]
Fernando: You look maah-velous!
Barbara Bach: You look pretty good, yourself.
Fernando: Well, thank you, darling. I’m blushing inside. My temperature is rising, it isn’t surprising. I’ll tell you that, right now. [ looks over at Ringo Starr ] You know what I’m saying to you?
[ Ringo is ready to speak, but Fernando quickly loses interest and returns his focus to Barbara ]
Fernando: Barbara —
[ Ringo remains stunned that he’s not the one being interviewed ]
[ pan north up the road map on a Gumby stretched across the ground, continue upward to a 1981-82 cast graphic, then cut right to a framed live photo of Joe Piscopo ]
Joe Piscopo: They still weren’t sure about Eddie Murphy. And we campaigned — a couple of us said, “This is the guy. You need this guy on the show.” And Eddie was so great. They made him a featured player.
[ cut to Frank Sinatra and Stevie Wonder singing at the piano in Ebony & Ivory, 05/22/82 ]
Stevie Wonder: [ singing ] “I am dark, and you are light.”
Frank Sinatra: [ singing ] “You are blind as a bat, and I have sight! Side by side, you are my amigo, Negro, let’s not fiiiiiiiight!”
[ pan northwest across the road map to the Synchronized Swimmers posed in the water below a bridge, continue northwest to a 1982-83 cast graphic on the bridge, then along the bridge to a framed still image of Julia Louis-Dreyfus that suddenly jumps to life ]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: I didn’t know how it worked. I didn’t know how to get writers to write for me. I didn’t know you had to get writers to write for you. That took me some time to figure out. Oh, yeah, you need to.. make, sort of, these alliances. [ chuckles ] Like “Survivor.”
[ cut to Julia Louis-Dreyfus ignoring her guests Eddie Murphy and Jamie Lee Curtis on “The Julia Show”, 02/18/84 ]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: [ standing ] Do you think my hips are getting too wide? I don’t. Nobody does! They’re not.
[ pan north on the road map along railroad track to reveal graphics of “I Married A Monkey”, Fernando and Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood, then pan east to a 1984-85 cast graphic, hold, then continue pan west, as a cab passes, and stop on a framed live photo of Jon Lovitz ]
Jon Lovitz: I really looked up to Phil as my, my, uh — you know, he became my older brother. We became like brothers. We were very, very close.
[ cut to Harry the producer arguing with washed-up war actor Johnny O’Connor in Johnny O’Connor, 10/18/86 ]
Harry: I think you’re the worst actor I’ve ever seen, and I get five hundred letters a day telling me the same!
Johnny O’Connor: What’s the word on the street?
[ Harry is flabbergasted ]
[ pan east across the road map, passing Sammy Davis, Jr. and Hans and Franz, as the camera hyperspaces through a tunnel to a different area of the map, where we see the Church Lady, then begin a pan towards the west to a road sign shaped like Tarzan, Tonto and Frankenstein. Slow pan north up a road flanked by road signs in the shapes of the 1985-86 cast and the 1986-87 cast on one side, and Victoria Jackson doing a handstand on top of the “Weekend Update with Dennis Miller” desk on the right. Continue pan to the north to fall on a framed live photo of Martin Short. ]
Martin Short: I grew up in a kind of laughter – fun family. And I thought, “Gee, that would – what a way to spend your life, laughing and looking good.
[ cut to Ed Grimley bouncing around spastically as he plays the triangle in an Ed Grimley sketch, 1984-85 ]
[ pan west across the road map, passing the Sweeney Sisters, then fall on a 1989-90 cast graphic pinned to the side of a saloon wall in the style of a Wanted poster. Pan upward on saloon to reveal Master Thespian and Buckwheat poking their heads out of the windows, then pan east across The Devil stretched across the ground, to fall on a framed live photo of Conan O’Brien. ]
Conan O’Brien: For a while, at “Saturday Night Live,” you don’t know if you’ve made it. I remembered a few times, Lorne has a joke that he sometimes pulls, I think, on newer talent. Every now and then, I’d pass him in the hallway, and Lorne would say, “Still with the show?”
[ cut to Lorne Michaels in Rosanna Arquette’s dressing room in Next With The Producer, 11/08/86 ]
Lorne Michaels: What are you doing in that outfit?
Rosanna Arquette: [ laughs ] It’s for the “Neck With the Producer” sketch! [ hands him the script ]
Lorne Michaels: The “Neck With the Producer” sketch? [ reads ] Hmm.. you’d better get ready — this isn’t bad! I mean, it’s funny, and it makes an interesting point about the homeless.
Rosanna Arquette: [ quick save ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
[ pull out on full SNL “Lost and Found” road map ]
[ title card: “Act 1: ’80-’81” ]
[ cut to Kevin Nealon seated behind desk in “Automobile Club”, 11/22/86 ]
Kevin Nealon: Did you know that as many as 12 million Americans cannot read a road map? That’s right, 12 million. Now, I’m guilty of it myself. I really am. I’m terrible with a map. Did you ever have somebody show you where to go on a map? Did you? It’s ridiculous, isn’t it? I mean, you know, they’re trying to show you — hold on a second here. All right, okay. [ Laughter ] Okay, all right. You know, they look at your map, and they say, “Okay, here’s where you want to go. All right. Okay, well, it’s not on this map. What you want to do, though, is you want to come off of route 84 over here. You want to cut over to route 23. You’ll see a big hotel over there and some you can’t miss it. Take the map, though, just in case you get lost.” Right? Like you’re gonna get halfway there and ask somebody else for directions. Excuse me, I’m a little lost. I’m right here now.
[ show the final moment of the Goodnights, 05/24/80, as the On Air sign goes off for the final time during the original cast’s reign ]
[ cut to Lorne Michaels ]
Lorne Michaels: It had been my life for five years. And, you know, I’d given it, I think, I everything I had. So, on a certain level, I was relieved to not be doing it anymore. And at the same time, a big piece of my life was missing.
[ cut to Tom Davis ]
Tom Davis: We were expecting the show to end.
[ cut to Al Franken commentary on “Weekend Update with Chevy Chase”, 04/11/81 ]
Al Franken: After five golden years, Lorne decided to leave. And so did those close to him, including me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] So, NBC had to pick a new producer. Now, most knowledgeable people, as you might imagine, hoped it would be me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] But instead, without consulting the show’s staff or cast, NBC picked Jean Doumanian.
Lorne Michaels V/O: I got a call from Brandon. And he said that they were going to announce the next day that Jean was going to be taking over.
[ cut to Laurie Zaks ]
Laurie Zaks: Jean Doumanian was in charge of Talent at the time. She was booking the show.
[ cut to Joe Piscopo ]
Joe Piscopo: We just heard that the original cast was leaving, that the great Lorne Michaels was leaving, and that they’re sweeping the comedy clubs for new cast members for “Saturday Night Live.”
[ cut to Gilbert Gottfried walking the streets of New York in the short film, “Who is Gilbert Gottfried?”, 12/13/80 ]
Announcer: Depressed, despondent, tormented and, by now, wandering the streets aimlessly, Gilbert caught wind that “Saturday Night Live” was scouring the land for performers.
[ cut to Gilbert Gottfried, with bird on his left shoulder ]
Gilbert Gottfried: They had, like hundreds of, uh, videos on different comedians.
[ cut to Gail Matthius ]
Gail Matthius: We auditioned for eight hours.
[ cut to NBC executive interviewing Gail Matthius as a cheerleader in the short film, “Virgin Search”, 12/20/80 ]
NBC Executive: I’m in power to offer you a contract with “Saturday Night Live.” Are you a fan of the show?
Gail Matthius: Ah sure am!
[ cut to Gail Matthius ]
Gail Matthius: And the vibe in the waiting room – if looks could kill!
[ cut back to “Virgin Search”, 12/20/80 ]
NBC Executive: There’s just one thing. You are a virgin, aren’t you?
Gail Matthius: [ excited ] I sure — [ realizes she’s not, tries to cover herself ] I — [ NBC Executive turns away ] Wait!
[ cut to Denny Dillon ]
Denny Dillon: I actually had six auditions. And the last time I auditioned, I said, “If you have me in again, I’m gonna charge a cover.”
[ cut to Joe Piscopo ]
Joe Piscopo: I can remember in the audition, I did: [ singing like Frank Sinatra ] “I don’t stand a ghost of a chance.”
[ cut to Denny Dillon ]
Denny Dillon: For me, personally, I felt like my feet couldn’t touch the ground, because I had felt so excited.
[ cut to James Brown’s medley performance, including “I Feel Good”, 12/13/80 ]
James Brown: [ singing ] “I feel good I knew that I would I feel good I knew that I would. So good! So good! I got you!”
[ cut to Joe Piscopo ]
Joe Piscopo: Gail Matthius did a character that was the pre-cursor to any “Valley Girl” character.
[ cut to Vickie and Debbie hanging out at the mall in “Valley Girls”, 12/20/80 ]
Vickie: God, I’m bored to the max!
Debbie: You want to go back to Hutton’s and try on the makeup at the counter?
Vickie: No way! I was just in there, and I was trying on some eye shadow, you know, and stuff? And, um, the lady comes up to me and goes, [ mimicking with a high-pitched squeal ] “May I help you?” [ rolls her eyes ] Rude City! I told her to bite the bag, and left.
[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky ]
Tim Kazurinsky: Joe Piscopo, Gilbert Gottfried, Gail Matthius, were very funny. Denny — they had some really terrific people.
[ cut to Pinky and Leo Waxman interviewing Elliot Gould on “What’s It All About?”, 11/15/80 ]
Pinky Waxman: Well, you know the one thing I love about Barbara?
Leo Waxman: What?
Pinky Waxman: She never got a nose job. [ to Elliot ] You know, my daughter, Jules? She wants one. I don’t know what to tell her sometimes. Maybe you could talk to her, Elliot.
[ Elliot Gould isn’t sure how to respond, so he takes a sip from his drink instead ]
Leo Waxman: Excuse me. Pinky, sweetheart, the man is a big celebrity. He can’t talk to your daughter about a nose job!
Pinky Waxman: Of course, of course, he can’t!
Joe Piscopo V/O: Charlie Rocket, a very formidable character actor.
[ cut to Charles Rocket on Fifth Avenue in “The Rocket Report”, 11/22/80 ]
Charles Rocket: Hi, Charles Rocket, on Fifth Avenue! We’re gonna meet some people that are total strangers. Let’s find out what they’re like. Will they be rude? Will they be warm? Will they be friendly? Will they be happy to see us? Well, we’re gonna find out in just a minute or two, as we actually go ahead and meet some total strangers. [ approaches some strangers ] Tourists, are you?
[ cut to a later portion of the segment, a Cuban couple speaking to Charles Rocket ]
Cuban Man: [speaks in Cuban, then translates ] It means, “How do you do?”
Charles Rocket: Okay, well, sounds like you’ve had a couple of drinks this afternoon, huh? [ chuckles ]
[ cut to a later portion of the segment, an elderly man listening to Charles Rocket ]
Charles Rocket: You’re on drugs right now, aren’t you? [ the man looks curiously at Charles Rocket ] You’re on drugs right now. You look like a drug taker. [ the man shakes his head ] You don’t take drugs?
Elderly Man: No.
Charles Rocket: Ever have?
Elderly Man: No. [ amused ]
Charles Rocket: Well, gee.. what gives you that look? That sort of “drug taker’s” look?
Elderly Man: Well, because I’m very happy.
[ cut to Neil Levy ]
Neil Levy: Eddie called me from the street – I don’t know, from a pay phone. And he just went on and on. And he just started making me laugh. So I figured, “You know what? I’ll have him in.” And he does a four-minute piece. And the talent was just shooting out of him. So, I took him to Jean, and she hired him as a featured player.
[ cut to Raheem Abdul Mohammed during a Joe Piscopo Sports segment on “Weekend Update with Charles Rocket”, 11/15/80 ]
Raheem Abdul Mohammed: All I’m saying is that y’all stay on the hockey courts and the polo fields, and let us stay on the basketball courts. ‘Cause If God would have wanted whites to be equal to blacks, everybody’d have one of these. [ reaches under the desk and pulls up a boombox ]
[ cut to David Sheffield ]
David Sheffield: Just, “I don’t give a damn. I don’t care if you watch me or not.” You got the sense that nothing would frazzle him. ‘Cause everybody else was trying real hard. Eddie looked like he wasn’t trying at all, and he was doing it.
[ cut to Denny Dillon at the front of a bed filled with Elliot Gould and the cast in “Strange Bedfellows”, 11/15/80 ]
Denny Dillon: Live, from New York, it’s “Saturday Night!”
[ dissolve to the opening montage for “SNL ’80” ]
[ cut to Denny Dillon ]
Denny Dillon: The first show, I got to say, “Live from New York!” That was a really, really, really thrilling moment. And somebody, a friend of mine, took my picture off the television, and I still have it.
David Sheffield V/O: They must have been terrified, pushed out there in front of millions of people, trying to inherit the mantle of these geniuses who’d gone before them.
[ cut to Barry Blaustein ]
Barry Blaustein: It was a different standard. So they didn’t have time to really nurture. And there was a pressure.
[ cut to Queen’s performance of “Under Pressure”, 09/25/82 ]
Queen: [ singing ] “Pressure Pushing down on me Pressing down on you No man asked for Under pressure That burns a building down Splits a family in two Puts people on the streets.”
Barry Blaustein V/O: The rumors of Jean’s demise began after the first show.
[ cut to David Sheffield ]
David Sheffield: It was a very difficult time. Everybody second-guessing everybody. It wasn’t the feel-good disco ’70s anymore. It was the [ fuck ]-you ’80s.
[ cut to Bill Murray trying to give a pep talk to the cast in “It Just Doesn’t Matter”, 03/07/81 ]
Ann Risley: The press hasn’t been overly kind.
Bill Murray: Yeah, I read that stuff: “SaturdayNight Live is Saturday Night Dead.”
Cast: [groans, winces, looks uncomfortable] Oh,come on. Geez.
Bill Murray: “From Yuks to Yecch.” [cast groansand wretches as if in pain] My favorite, though, is”Vile from New York.”
Cast: [groans] Please, Bill.
Bill Murray: [genuinely amused] Come on! It’s funny, it’s funny.
[ cut to Gilbert Gottfried ]
Gilbert Gottfried: When it was announced that “Saturday Night Live” was going to be continuing with a whole new cast, this was an outrage. It was like if, during the height of Beatlemania, you were going to remove the Beatles and have a whole new group of Beatles.
[ cut to Joe Piscopo ]
Joe Piscopo: I don’t think anybody could have followed — I don’t think Chaplin could have followed the original “Saturday Night Live” cast.
[ cut to Frank Sinatra sitting in his dressing room after the Ronald Reagan inauguration in “Reagan’s Vice President”, 01/17/81 ]
Frank Sinatra: [ singing to himself ] “Start shootin’ the press Yeah, they’re just in the way.”
David Sheffield V/O: Joe Piscopo was a stand-out because he was very versatile, and he was unintimidated by live TV.
[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky ]
Tim Kazurinsky: Joe was very hot, very fast.
[ cut to Gary Kroeger ]
Gary Kroeger: Piscopo — Joe Piscopo. What a great name!
[ cut back to Bill Murray trying to give a pep talk to the cast in “It Just Doesn’t Matter”, 03/07/81 ]
Bill Murray: Are you gonna definitely stick with “Joe Piscopo” as your name?
Joe Piscopo: Well, I was born with it, Bill. You know, it’s my name.
Bill Murray: Wow. [ considers this fact ] Well, whatever.
[ cut to Gary Kroeger ]
Gary Kroeger: And he was a real working man’s comedian.
[ cut to Joe Piscopo, Tim Kazurinsky and Gary Kroeger as The Three Stooges in “Three Stooges Self-Defense Class”, 05/12/84 ]
Curly: Hey, whaddya think of this, sista? [ slaps himself in the face and on the head a few times ] Ahh!
[ Curly then bounces his expansive stomach into the karate instructor’s stomach – “boing” sound effect. As he does, the impact causes the loose-fitting pants to slide down Joe Piscopo’s legs. Everyone in the sketch begins to laugh, as Piscopo struggles to pull his pants back up and Tim Kazurinsky ad-libs as Moe getting angry with Curly, swinging the iron menacingly. Naturally, Piscopo’s pants again fall to the floor. ]
David Sheffield V/O: We got no adult supervision. We got no instruction in how the show was run.
[ cut to Gilbert Gottfried ]
Gilbert Gottfried: She always struck me as the type of woman who would watch a Marx Brothers’ movie and go, “Well, I liked Margaret Dumont, but who are those weird gentlemen running around?”
[ cut to Bob Tischler ]
Bob Tischler: She was put in, I think, an untenable position. Just to follow Lorne, to follow that first five years. It was such a strong cast, and such a strong writing staff. It was a very hard act to follow.
[ cut to Cowboy Junkies’ performance of “Sweet Jane”, 02/18/89 ]
Cowboy Junkies: [ singing ] “Anyone who’s ever had a heart Wouldn’t turn around and break it And anyone who’s ever played a part Wouldn’t turn around and hate it Sweet Jane Sweet Jane Oh, Sweet, Sweet Jane.”
Neil Levy V/O: It was so unhip. I mean, it came from being the hippest show in the world to just being the most unhip show.
[ cut to Margaret Oberman ]
Margaret Oberman: They were certainly not getting the caliber of, like, movie star hosts that they’d had. And that’s how you could sort of tell, you know, what the real estate value was.
[ quick clip of Richard Dreyfuss being devoured by the Land Shark during his “Goodnights”, 05/13/78 ]
[ cut to Neil Levy ]
Neil Levy: I heard that Madeline Kahn was doing the “Today” show. And I went down, and she saw me, she remembered me, from the original show. She said, “Neil, how are you?” I said, “I’m great.” Kiss, kiss. “How’s it going? What are you up to?” I said, “Well, actually, I’m working on ‘Saturday Night Live’.” She literally was on her way. She was walking away. She knew exactly why I was there. She was gone.
[ quick clip of the cast joining Madeline Kahn at Home Base during her “Goodnights”, 05/08/76 ]
[ cut to Gilbert Gottfried ]
Gilbert Gottfried: We did suck! Let’s not be — I can’t blame it all on the press. The show sucked!
[ cut to Gilbert Gottfried as a police officer who rushes into Fay’s (Debbie Harry) apartment after shooting her date in “King Kong Syndrome”, 02/14/81 ]
Police Officer: You all right, Miss?
Fay: Yeah, I’m all right. But your bullets have killed my date!
[ cut to Gilbert Gottfried ]
Neil Levy: Oh! You know, you’re reminding me — I’m starting — my esophagus is going into spasm. It was — it was just — it got worse and worse. When Charlie Rocket said — you know, cursed, on the air.
[ cut to Charles Rocket replying to Charlene Tilton in “Goodnights”, 02/21/81 ]
Charles Rocket: Oh man, that’s the first time I’ve been shot in my life. I’d like to know who the [ fuck ] did it.
[ cut to Neil Levy ]
Neil Levy: Jane Crowley, the censor, she said, “He said [ fuck ]!” Her face turned red, and that beehive, the little powder pigeon. I thought she was gonna leap over the console, and, like, pull the cables. And that’s what when we started feeling our days are numbered.
[ cut to Gilbert Gottfried ]
Gilbert Gottfried: It became a good excuse. Once again, people forget the “F” word slipped through on the original cast of the show. But because that show was doing better, you know, the hearing isn’t as good.
[ cut to Fine Young Cannibals’ performance of “She Drives Me Crazy”, 03/13/89 ]
Fine Young Cannibals: [ singing ] “She drives me crazy, ooh ooh Like no one else, ooh ooh She drives me crazy, and I can’t help myself.”
[ cut to Al Franken commentary on “Weekend Update with Chevy Chase”, 04/11/81 ]
Al Franken: Now, I don’t want to be cruel to Jean — because it might make you think less of me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] Anyway, it took NBC 12 shows to figure out their horrendous mistake. And a month ago, they fired Jean.
[ cut to Gilbert Gottfried ]
Gilbert Gottfried: I kind of feel like that season of “Saturday Night Live,” You could have gotten anybody off the street. You needed a sacrificial lamb. This would appease the gods and make it okay.
[ cut to Tom Davis ]
Tom Davis: That’s showbiz, you know. It’s not a good time unless somebody gets hurt.
SummaryDespite reports that “Saturday Night Live” would undergo changes in advent of its 31st season, the atmosphere was left relatively untouched, with only featured performer Rob Riggle’s absence a noticeable difference. Finesse Mitchell and Kenan Thompson are upgraded to full cast member status, making way for newcomers Bill Hader and Andy Samberg as the season’s newest featured performers. Hader would quickly win the audience over with his talents as SNL’s fresh-faced impressionist, while Samberg would slowly gain notice through the use of SNL’s Digital Short segment with the help of his buddies from thelonelyisland.com. Meanwhile, Jason Sudeikis, a writer who joined the show as a featured player toward the end of last season, firmly established himself as a key player in numerous sketches. Newcomer Kristin Wiig would also join the featured cast by the season’s fifth episode, making her presence known immediately, demonstrating “SNL”‘s ability to revive itself with fresh performers. Absent from the first two episodes of the season, Tina Fey quickly returned to “SNL” after giving birth to her first child, while a very visibly pregnant Maya Rudolph returned for the season premiere, then went off on an extended maternity leave. Fey would finally leave “SNL” by season’s end, along with Rachel Dratch, to star in NBC’s prime-time series, “30 Rock”, which would parody the behind-the-scenes goings-on of Studio 8-H. To celebrate its latest anniversary, “Saturday Night Live” begins airing in high-definition.
Andy Samberg: Hi America, Andy Samberg here on the streets of New York City. Everyone knows that people in television are way smarter than regular people out on the street. So I thought it’d be fun to go around and ask people simple questions,and see how dumb they look when they try to answer them. Come on!
Andy Samberg: Who was the first president of the United States?
Man: George Washington.
(Andy laughs and shakes his head.)
Andy Samberg: Who is the current vice president of the United States?
Man: Dick Cheney.
Andy Samberg: (chuckling) This is gonna be worse than I thought.
Andy Samberg: Who was the first person to walk on the moon?
Man: Uh, Neil Armstrong.
Andy Samberg: Wrong.
Andy: What fast-food chain is Ronald McDonald associated with?
Man: McDonalds.
Andy: Are you McSure? Cause I’ve never heard of that.
Andy Samberg: OK, here’s my impression of you. (mockingly) “Duh duh duh duh I’m a girl, I’m walking around on the street.” That’s you!
Andy Samberg: (pointing at random pedestrians) Idiot. Fartbrain. No class.
Andy Samberg: (mocking a man walking by) Oh hey, look at me, I’m a big stupid dummy, walking to work with my stupid bag. (The man looks at him)
Andy Samberg: (to cameraman) Is he looking at us? Is he looking? Let’s go.
Andy Samberg: How many states are there in the U.S.?
Man: 50.
Andy Samberg: Are you McSure? (laughing) From before.
Andy Samberg: What does CIA stand for?
Man: Central Intelligence Agency.
(Andy gives a puzzled look to the camera and chuckles)
Andy Samberg: Look at all these people. None of them know anything.
Andy Samberg: How many states are there in the U.S.?
Man: 50.
: Correct. (He then shakes his head to the camera, showing he was being sarcastic.)
Andy Samberg: Okay, complete this phrase: The Declaration of Indepen-
3 Women: Dence.
Andy Samberg: Yeah you are!
(Cut to several clips of Andy hysterically laughing next to random passerby)
Host…..Darrell Hammond Vassal…..Fred Armisen Lord Sarc…..Kevin Spacey Baroness von Wilkie…..Chris Parnell
[FADE IN on the History Channel logo and the caption, “LEGENDS of HISTORY.” FADE to the host sitting in an elegant study.]
Host: The Middle Ages were a time of stagnation for the arts and culture. But in twelfth-century England, one man changed the art of conversation forever. The man who invented sarcasm, Philip Sarc, was the first man to say the opposite of what he meant, to emphasize a point. [laughter] Tonight we look at the life of Sarc, and the dawn of Sarcism [sic].
[DISSOLVE to an engraving of Kevin Spacey smiling from beneath a medieval hat. “Philip Sarc and the Dawn of Sarcasm” is caption underneath. FADE to Lord Sarc sitting at a table in his manor and surrounded by his vassals as horn fanfare plays and then fades into soft medieval woodwind music.]
Vassal: [bringing him a wooden bowl] Lord Sarc, for tonight’s meal, the cooks have prepared a sheep’s blood pottage.
Lord Sarc: Well, well, well, sheep’s blood pottage! Was goat testicle pie not available?
Vassal: [earnestly] I don’t believe so, my lord.
Lord Sarc: Oh, I notice you have your thumb in my soup. Any chance you could dip all five fingers in there?
Vassal: Of course!
[He obediently sticks his fingers in the soup.]
Vassal: I’m glad you like the meal, my lord.
Lord Sarc: LIKE it? I wish I could have this every day for the rest of my life.
Vassal: Really? Then it shall be done!
Thomas: [in a dramatic voice] Let it be known, that it is decreed by his Lordship, that sheep’s blood pottage will be served henceforth each day for as long as he shall live!
[Lord Sarc slumps and covers his eyes with his hand during the proclamation. When it is finished, he irritably pops Thomas in the chest. DISSOLVE to a sketch of a medieval lord and his vassals.]
Host: Unfortunately, Lord Sarc’s comments were taken literally, creating much confusion. This continued in matters of love.
[FADE back to the manor.]
Vassal: [leading a woman into the room] Presenting Baroness von Wilkie.
Baroness von Wilkie: [curtsies] An honor, your liege.
Lord Sarc: [leans wearily on his hand] Wow, YOU’RE a vision. I can’t decide what I like more: your pasty skin or chinless face.
Baroness von Wilkie: Why, thank you. [giggles girlishly]
Vassal: Shall we arrange a formal courtship?
Lord Sarc: You know what, here’s a better idea. Why don’t you go out and find me the biggest, smelliest, fattest pig you can find, put it in a dress, and I’ll marry THAT!
Vassal: It shall be done.
[Lord Sarc drops his head and starts beating it against the table.]
Thomas: Go out and fetch the fairest swine in the land, clothe her in the finest linens, and bring her here at once! His Lordship is to be married! HUZZAH!!
Vassal: Huzzah!
Lord Sarc: [raises his head] Oh, and… if it’s not too much trouble, do you think we could make this roof leak a little MORE?
Vassal: Why, yes, yes. we could.
Lord Sarc: That’s wonderful! Here’s an idea: maybe in the next house I have, maybe you can all go out, and you can just throw together a collection of random stone blocks in the middle of nowhere, and I’ll live there! You think you can handle THAT?!
Vassal: At once, my Lord.
[DISSOLVE to a photo of Stonehenge.]
Host: And so, Stonehenge was built: the first sarcastic structure in the world.
[FADE to another medieval drawing of a lord in a chair.]
Host: By 1119, Lord Sarc’s comments had run their course.
[FADE back to the manor.]
Thomas: And so it is decreed, that I shall walk around with my head FIRMLY up my ass, from this day forth, until I know it better–
Lord Sarc: [loses it] Okay, don’t you GET IT? Do NONE of you morons understand what I’m doing?! LOOK: I don’t really mean ANY of the things I’m SAYING!
Vassal: [dumbfounded] So I’m not the smartest man you’ve ever met?
Lord Sarc: No, you are not the smartest man I ever met–I’m saying the OPPOSITE of what I mean for EMPHASIS! For example, Thomas, when I say, “I love your lute playing,” what I really mean is I’d rather hear the pained mating cries of a jackass!
Thomas: [hurt] Ohhhhhhhh. That’s bad.
Lord Sarc: [mocking him] Nooooooo, it’s terrible, pal! And when I tell all of you what a joy it is to be in your company, what I really mean is that you all completely disgust me! Do you mouth-breathing idiots UNDERSTAND?!!
Others: [in unison] OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH… [raise their index fingers]
[FADE to a drawing of a man tied to a stake and being set on fire.]
Host: Philip Sarc was immediately burned at the stake.
[FADE back to the host.]
Host: But his legacy lives on today in the sarcastic comments of millions around the world. Join us next week when we look at the life of Roger Prat: inventor of the pratfall. Good night.
[DISSOLVE back to the History Channel logo. FADE to black over applause.]
Kevin Spacey: My thanks to Nelly Furtado and Timberland. Thanks to all of you. Go see “Superman”! See you in London! Have a great summer! Good night, everyone!
The Falconer…..Will Forte Future Falconer…..Kevin Spacey Abraham Lincoln…..Darrell Hammond Hunter…..Maya Rudolph
Announcer: In 1992, Ken Mortimer was an advertising executive in Baltimore, Maryland. Then, for reasons known only to him, he left his wife and career, and moved deep into the forest. Now, he is known only as.. “The Falconer.”
[ dissolve to exterior, woods, where The Falconer stands with Donald perched on his arm ]
The Falconer: Oh, Donald! April showers have brought May flowers! And the season of Spring embraces us like a bear hug from a treasured friend! [ Donald squawks ] Yes, I would love to hear a joke! [ Donald squawks ] I don’t know! what DO you get when you cross a monkey with a nun?! [ Donald screeches ] Donald!! I should wash your beak out with SOAP!! You DIRTY BIRD!! You dirty.. funny bird. [ Donald squawks ]
Future Falconer: Oh, Donald! Thank GOD you’re alive! The hunter’s bullets have not yet PIERCED your HEART!!
The Falconer: Who are you?!
Future Falconer: I am Ken “The Falconer” Mortimer!
The Falconer: But if – that’s IMPOSSIBLE!! I am Ken “The Falconer” Mortimer!
Future Falconer: Today, the impossible BECOMES the possible!! For TWENTY years from now, the mystery of time travel becomes the REALITY of time travel!!
The Falconer: WAIT!! That time machine I was always talking about building out of trees, dirt and GUMPTION?!
Future Falconer: YOU built it!! And today we’ll save Donald’s life!!
[ a gunshot goes off, as Donald is blasted off the Falconer’s arm ]
Together: DONALD!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Future Falconer: You blithering FOOL!! You DISTRACTED me from my sense of PURPOSE!!
The Falconer: OH, so this is all MY fault?!!
Future Falconer: Oh, LOOK!! It’s time to stop arguing and start TIME traveling!! We must go BACK in time to the point BEFORE Donald was shot!!
Together: TO THE TIME MACHINE-AHH!!
[ the two Falconers run offscreen ]
[ dissolve to model of the wooden time machine, stuffed with two miniature Falconers, bouncing at the center of the screen ]
[ dissolve back to the familiar scene from earlier in the day, as The Falconer (now played by Jason Sudeikis) is startled by his future self (now played by Bill Hader).
The Falconer: WAIT!! That time machine I was always talking about building out of trees, dirt and GUMPTION?!
Future Falconer: YOU built it!! And today we’ll save Donald’s —
[ suddenly, the original Falconer and Future Falconer rush into the scene ]
The Falconer: WAIT!!
Future Falconer: DONALD!! DUUUUCK!!
[ a gunshot goes off, as Donald is blasted off the Falconer’s arm ]
All Four: DONALD!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Second Set of Falconers: WAIT!! Who are YOU??!!
First Set of Falconers: We’re KEN “THE FALCONER” MORTIMER!!
Second Set of Falconers: But WE’RE KEN “THE FALCONER” MORTIMER!!
Future Falconer: We’ll explain in the time machine, as we travel back even FURTHER in time!!
All Four: TO THE TIME MACHINE-AHH!!
[ the four Falconers run offscreen ]
[ dissolve to model of the wooden time machine, stuffed with four miniature Falconers, bouncing at the center of the screen ]
[ dissolve back to the familiar scene from earlier in the day, as The Falconer (now played by Andy Samberg) is startled by his future self (now played by Chris Panell).
The Falconer: — out of trees, dirt and GUMPTION?!
Future Falconer: YOU built it!! And today we’ll save Donald’s LIFE —
[ suddenly, the four previous Falconers rush into the scene, as do two additional Falconers, played by Seth Meyers and Fred Armisen; all six all scream for Donald to duck ]
[ a gunshot goes off, as Donald is blasted off the Falconer’s arm ]
All Four: DONALD!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
[ the two additional Falconers pair up the with the third set of Falconers ]
Third Set of Falconers: WAIT!! Who are YOU??!!
First & Second Set of Falconers: We’re KEN “THE FALCONER” MORTIMER!!
Third Set of Falconers: WE’RE KEN “THE FALCONER” MORTIMER!!
Future Falconer: [waves his hands ] We need to go back in time even FURTHER!!
All Eight: TO THE TIME MACHINE-AHH!!
[ the eight Falconers run offscreen ]
[ dissolve to model of the wooden time machine, stuffed with eight miniature Falconers, bouncing at the center of the screen ]
[ dissolve back to the familiar scene from earlier in the day, as The Falconer (now played by Rachel Dratch) is startled by his future self (now played by Kenan Thompson).
The Falconer: — out of trees, dirt and GUMPTION?!
Future Falconer: YOU built it!! And today we’ll save Donald’s LIFE —
[ suddenly, a fourth pair of The Falconer (played by Finesse Mitchell) and Future Falconer (played by Horatio Sanz) rush into the scene ]
The Falconer: WAIT!!
Future Falconer: DONALD!! DUUUUCK!!
[ and then the eight previous Falconers rush into the scene screaming for donald’s safety ]
[ a gunshot goes off, as Donald is blasted off the Falconer’s arm ]
All Twelve: DONALD!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
[ the third set of Falconers glance at the eight newcomer ]
First, Second & Third Set of Falconers: [ waving their hands ] WE ALREADY KNOW YOUR QUESTION!!!! WE ARE KEN “THE FALCONER” MORTIMER!!
Future Falconer: Sorry!! I’m a little off with my time travel today!! I promise: THIS time I will POSITIVELY get us back in time to SAVE Donald’s LIFE!!
All Twelve: TO THE TIME MACHINE-AHH!!
[ the twelve Falconers run offscreen ]
[ dissolve to model of the wooden time machine, stuffed with twelve miniature Falconers, bouncing at the center of the screen ]
[ dissolve back to the familiar scene, though now it’s a couple of centuries earlier. Abraham Lincoln is splitting rails as the twelve frantic Falconers rush into the scene. ]
The Falconer: Who are you??!! And what have you done with our Donald??!!
Abraham Lincoln: I’m Abraham Lincoln. I’m just out here splitting some rails.
[ the twelve Falconers run back offscreen, as Lincoln continues to split his logs ]
[ dissolve to model of the wooden time machine, stuffed with twelve miniature Falconers, bouncing at the center of the screen ]
[ dissolve back to the familiar scene from earlier in the day, as The Falconer (now played by one of SNL’s writers) is startled by his future self (now played by Amy Poehler).
Future Falconer: Oo-oo-oohhhhhh!! Twenty years from now! The mystery of time travel! Becomes a reality of.. TIME TRAVELLLLL!!!!
[ suddenly, the twelve previous Falconers rush into the scene screaming for donald’s safety ]
The Falconer: OHHHHHHH!!!! We came back just in time!!
Future Falconer: [ points offscreen ] There’s the shooterrrr!!!
All Falconers: NO!! NO!! DON’T! NO!! don’t shoot!
[ cut to Hunter holding a rifle ]
Hunter: Why shouldn’t I? I’m a hunter, and that bird is fair game.
[ cut back to the multiple Falconers ]
All Falconers: Because!! If you shoot that bird.. you will be shooting my heart!! My SOUL!! My DONALD!!!
[ cut to Hunter holding a rifle ]
Hunter: [ shrugs ] Fine.
[ cut back to the multiple Falconers ]
All Falconers: [ cheer triumphantly, as they crowd around Donald ] OH, DONALD!!!! WE ALMOST LOST YOU!!! ONE DAY, A BULLET MAY PIERCE YOUR FRAIL BIRD SKULL!!! BUT, UNTIL THAT DAY – YOU WILL BE THE FALCON, AND I SHALL REMAIN…
(Opens with the Buona Sera restaurant, cut to theinside of it. Jim, Amanda and Jim´s dad Jerry aresharing a table)
Jim: It´s good to see you dad.
Jerry: Well, it´s good to see too, Jim.
Amanda: You know, we´re sorry things with you andDenise didn´t work out.
Jerry: Well, you know your stepmother and I had a goodrun but people grow apart. I´m just worried at thispoint on my life I may never find true love again.
Amanda: Ohhh, don´t think that way. Love has a way ofwalking through the door when you least expect it. (Inwalks beautiful overweight blondie Carol)
Carol: Hey!, Hey!, Hey!
Amanda: Carol!
Jingle: “And then there´s Carol! (Carol´s shy smile) And then there´s Carol! (Carol points at herself like saying: “Who? Me?”) Sassy, slutty, sexy, skanky, right on, Carol!” (Carol dances wildly and poses)
Carol: I´M CAROL!
(Returns to restaurant scene)
Jerry: Who is this enchanting creature?!
Jim: I don´t know anything about that but this lady´sname is Carol.
Carol: I´M CAROL!
Jerry: Well, it´s a rare pleasure to meet you Carol.
Amanda: Carol, what are you doing here?
Carol: Uhhh, I was using the bathroom while I waitedfor my takeout. This place has the cleanest restroomsin all New York. Or at least they used to. Ha! I´MCAROL!
Jerry: Well, why don´t you have a drink with us whileyou´re waiting?
Carol: Don´t mind if I do. Excuse me! (Pushes guy nextto them on his ass and takes his chair, joins thetable)
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Carol: I´ll have a Dunkin Donuts choconillafrapuccino.
Waiter: Well ma´am as I explained to you several timesthrough the bathroom door. You can only get that drinkat Dunkin Donuts.
Carol: Ok, how about a soup bowl full of Bailey´s andrumplemintz?
Jerry: My, my Carol that sounds delightful.
Carol: Ohhh! Who is this Armand Assante impersonator?
Jim: That´s my dad, Jerry.
Carol: He´s total DILF! (naughty laugh, Amanda tries tofigure out what DILF means-Dad I Love to F*ck)
Amanda: Oh, ok I´m gonna go freshen up in the ladie´sroom.
Carol: I wouldn´t if I were you.
Waiter: Here is your drink (brings soup bowl) and yourtake out order. (brings big brown paper bag)
Jim: Well, it was nice seeing you Carol.
Waiter: She´s not going anywhere. This is just thefirst part. (leaves)
Amanda: So Carol, Jerry is an antiques dealer.
Jerry: Yes, I think things are a lot more beautifulwhen they had a little wear and tear.
Carol: Oh, then I think I got a few body parts you´denjoy. (Kevin is about to crack up, waiter brings twomore takeout paper bags)
Jim: So…
Waiter: Halfway there. (leaves)
Carol: Thank you.
Jerry: You are an ethereal spirit Carol. You know, inall my years in the antiques business I´ve learnedthings that…well, you have to have patience.Sometimes when you want a certain piece you have towait years for the market to go down.
Carol: Well, you have to wait two minutes for me to godown. (Kevin cracks up) AAAAHHH!!! I´M CAROL!
Jerry: And I´m JEEEEERRY! Oh, Carol I feel like I´mlatched to the mast trying in vain to resist yoursiren song.
Carol: Ohhhh, you talk like Hannibal Lector.
Jerry: What can I say? I love what I do! Just lastweek I found the most amazing chest of drawers.
Jim: Wait!…let me guess Carol. You play with mychest, I´ll drop my drawers?
Jerry: Hey! I did not raise you to talk like that!There are ladies present! I apologize for my son.Anyway Carol, you were saying?
Carol: I was saying….you play with my chest, I´lldrop my drawers!
Jerry: Enchanting! (Kevin cannot contain his laughteranymore) So Carol… (fights to control laughter) tellme…a little about yourself. What do you do? (Caroltakes sip from soup bowl)
Carol: I´m a model.
Jerry: Really!?
Carol: Yeah, I´m a model for plus-sized coffins. I laythere and they take pictures for mortician´s catalogs.
Jerry: Well, that is fascinating. I´d love to seethose shots. I´d love to hear more about that. Maybeyou and I can go someplace a little quieter?
Carol: Well, I happen to know the ladies room is underrepairs. Buuut, ah, I think the men´s room isavailable. Good news! (takes out little packet) Ibrought my own Levitra!Wooooo!!! (Jerry and Carol leaveholding hands, waiter brings moving tray with six moretakeout brown paper bags)
Jim: Yeah, I think we´ll take it.
Jim and Amanda: Oh, Carol! (Carol runs in fast grabs 3of the bags)
Jingle: “And then there´s Carol! (Carol´s shy smile) And then there´s Carol! (Carol points at herself like saying: “Who? Me?”) Sassy, slutty, sexy skanky, right on Carol!” (Carol dances wildly and poses)
Announcer…..Chris Parnell Detective Kelly…..Kevin Spacey Mr. Jenkins…..Chris Parnell Male A-Hole…..Jason Sudeikis Female A-Hole…..Kristen Wiig
[FADE IN on a slide which looks like police tape with title captions on it.]
Announcer: [cheerfully] And now, “Two A-Holes at a Crime Scene.”
[FADE to travel agent reading a folder at his desk. He looks up to see two people walking inside.]
Detective Kelly: Well, don’t worry, Mr. Jenkins – we’ll get your car back. Luckily, we’ve got two witnesses here who saw the guy that stole your car.
Mr. Samson: Thank you for your help, Detective.
Detective Kelly: Oh, no problem. Officer Samson will drive you home now.
[ the two men part ways, as Detective Kelly steps over toward the Two A-Holes ]
Detective Kelly: Hello there. I’m Detective Kelly. Thanks for sticking around. This shouldn’t take too long.
Male A-Hole: You really a cop?
Detective Kelly: Yes, sir.
Female A-Hole: [ focused on a handheld electronic device ] Then, where’s your outfit?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, where’s your hat?
Detective Kelly: Well, I don’t wear a uniform. I’m a detective, see? You mind if I ask you a few questions?
Male A-Hole: [ to his wife ] You mind, babe?
Female A-Hole: I don’t care.
Male A-Hole: We don’t care.
Detective Kelly: Alright. Well, why don’t you tell me exactly what you saw.
Male A-Hole: What’d you see, babe?
Female A-Hole: [ now busy playing with her hair ] What?
Male A-Hole: The crime.
Female A-Hole: The what?
Male A-Hole: The crime!
Female A-Hole: [ to Detective Kelly ] Can I have one of your doughnuts?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, I’ll take one with sprinkles.
Detective Kelly: [ remains stone-faced for a moment ] I don’t have any doughnuts.
Male A-Hole: He ate ’em all, babe.
Detective Kelly: I didn’t eat them! I’m sorry! Did you see the car get stolen, or not?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, some guy took it.
Detective Kelly: Great! Was he alone?
Male A-Hole: Was he alone, babe?
Female A-Hole: [ now busy playing with her fingernails ] ..Yeah.
Male A-Hole: Yeah, he was alone.
Detective Kelly: Okay now – did you get a good look at the perpetrator.
Male A-Hole: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! I saw him, I saw him. Yeah. [ to his wife ] you see the perpetrator, babe? [ she stares at him for a beat without saying a word ] you saw the perp, right, babe? [ she again looks at him without saying a word, as the stone-faced Detective Kelly watches helplessly ] Babe? Perp? [ more responseless stares ] Perp, babe?
Female A-Hole: [ greatly annoyed ] Yah!
Male A-Hole: Yeah, we saw him.
Detective Kelly: Great. What did he look like?
Male A-Hole: What’d he look like, babe?
Female A-Hole: [ to Detective Kelly ] Can you make copies of my keys?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, we’re going out of town tomorrow.
Detective Kelly: I’m not a locksmith. I can’t make copies of your keys! Just describe the guy, then you can go about your business!
Female A-Hole: I want to wait ’til the news gets here.
Male A-Hole: Yeah, we’re gonna wait for the news
Detective Kelly: Look! It’s a stolen vehicle, ma’am. It doesn’t make the news!
Female A-Hole: It would if a baby stole it.
[ Male A-Hole points proudly at his wife ]
Detective Kelly: Look! You two are the only witnesses that we have, so I’d really appreciate a little help!
Female A-Hole: I remember.
Male A-Hole: Hey, buddy – we got it.
Detective Kelly: Great. So what did he look like?
Female A-Hole: He looked like Jesus.
Male A-Hole: You, uh – you know what Jesus looks like?
Detective Kelly: Yes, I know what Jesus looks like! So, you’re saying he had long hair and a beard? [ begins to write the description in his notepad ]
[ Female a-Hole shakes her head lightly ]
Male A-Hole: Yeah, she’s shaking her head.
Detective Kelly: Yeah, I can see that.
Male A-Hole: Uh-huh. That means “no.”
Detective Kelly: Yeah! I went to school, I know what it means! so, then why did he look like Jesus?
Detective Kelly: He looked.. like a rabbit? What the hell does that mean?
Female A-Hole: Can we get the reward now?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, when do we get paid?
Detective Kelly: You don’t get a reward.
Male A-Hole: Alright, we don’t get paid tonight, babe! [ to Detective Kelly ] It probably comes in the mail, right? Cashier’s check?
Detective Kelly: No! There’s no cashier’s check!
Male A-Hole: Oh, right, right, right – it’s all direct deposit now, huh?
Detective Kelly: No! No, no! There’s no reward!
Male A-Hole: Oh? ‘Cause you gotta catch him first?
Detective Kelly: NO! NO! There’s no reward!! SHUT UP!! Now, you either start answering my questions, or I’ll arrest the two of you for obstruction of justice!
Detective Kelly: Alright, enough!! [ his cell phone rings; he answers it ] Yeah! What? You did? Great. Thanks! [ hangs up ] Well, they caught the guy – looks like you two lucked out. I gotta go interrogate Jesus the Rabbit. [ storms away from the two A-Holes ]
Female A-Hole: [ as they walk off in the opposite direction ] He was funny.
