Jackie… Owen Wilson
Waiter… Aristotle Athari
Bob… Alex Moffat
Heidi Gardner[Starts with a group of adults at a restaurant]
Jackie: Anyway, I spent a lot of time defending sea world but they really do a terrific job with the fish.
Ego: Cool.[waiter walks in with the check]
Waiter: Here’s your check. Whenever you’re ready. No rush.
Jackie: He was great, by the way. I think we tip him, right?[Kenan nods his head]
Cecily: Okay. So, how should we do this?
Bob: I guess I could put it on my card?
Ego: No, no, you don’t have to do that.
Jackie: If it’s easier, we can just split it six ways.
Cecily: Well, some people had more than others.
Jackie: Did they?
Cecily: Let’s just go through and see who ordered what.
Jackie: Okay. That’s fair.
Cecily: Diet coke.
Kenan: That’s me.
Cecily: Coke zero.
Jackie: That’s me.
Cecily: Sprite zero.
Jackie: Me as well. Just obeying my thirst.
Cecily: Iced tea.
Cecily: Arnold Palmer.
Cecily: Arnold Palmer with tequila.
Jackie: Ha-ha. Someone had to get the party started.
Cecily: Whole roasted chicken, extra potatoes.
Jackie: Sounds familiar.
Cecily: Flat iron pork chop, sub out broccoli for potatoes.
Jackie: Okay, no, no, no. Wait. That, I ordered for the table. Although, I probably ate the lion share of it.
Cecily: 98 ounce quarter house steak.
Jackie: Don’t look at me because I didn’t get that. I’m serious. I didn’t get that. There’s now way. Come on.
Cecily: There’s a photo of you on the wall eating it.
Jackie: Well, maybe.
Cecily: Four bacon cheese burgers to go.
Jackie: Okay, I’m off the hot seat. Bob, that’s you.
Bob: I’m a vegetarian.
Jackie: Little too much information.
Cecily: The Carson Daly, chicken broth and vodka.
Jackie: Yeah, I was trying to switch it up. A man cannot live on tequila alone.
Cecily: Five shots of tequila but leave them on the bathroom so my friends don’t find out.
Ego: I’m actually more concerned that you called us friends.
Bob: A dozen raw eggs still in the container.
Jackie: That I’ll admit was a little grocery shopping. I don’t expect you guys to pay for that.
Heidi: A bottle of your nicest white wine with a note that says, “Please take me back, Jennifer, I am so, so sorry. I know we can make this work if you just tell the judge you were lying.”
Jackie: They wrote that on the bill? Why? Just to embarrass me?
Cecily: No. They charged you because you asked for it to be done by a calligrapher.
Cecily: Bowl of turkey chilly with a rum floater.
Jackie: Did I do that? Urkle.
Cecily: Another small side of potatoes.
Kenan: That actually was me. Those potatoes did look good.
Cecily: And a Cadillac margarita.
Jackie: Hey, it’s 5 AM somewhere, right?
Jackie: Is anyone else really blacking out right now?[Kenan hits the table]
Kenan: Mr. Jackie St. Croix St. Thomas, we invited you to this meeting because you said you uncovered a map that would show us a true location of the holy grail.
Bob: We’ve been more than patient with you. Now produce the map at once!
Heidi: There are interested parties, [whispering] Nazis, who are mot eager to possess it.
Jackie: Great. I’m just gonna come clean. I’m not the successful dentist turned janitor turned influencer you all thought I was. And I don’t have the map. [Jackie slowly puts his hat] Because it belongs in a museum.[Jackie stands. Everyone is shocked.]
Kenan: It’s him!
Cecily: Dr. Indianapolis Bones?[Cut to outro]
Male voice: The adventures of Indianapolis Bones.[Cut to the restaurant. Waiter walks in with a gun in his hand.]
Waiter: Not so fast, Dr. Bones.
Jackie: Nothing my trusty whip can’t handle![Jackie pulls out his whip. Waiter shoots at him and Jackie falls.]
Cecily: Oh! You killed him! You killed Dr. Bones in the first episode?
Male voice: Only on Amazon Prime. We’re still figuring it out.