Tag: Colin Jost

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of subway station of New York at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new report ranks the New York city subway system as the best in the country. This was according to [Picture changes to a magazine] ‘Masturbating Hobo Monthly’.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marking November of twentyseventeen at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Very immature. November is national impotency month but I just can’t get excited.

Weekend Update- Ivana Trump

Colin Jost

Ivana Trump… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This past week, Ivana Trump, president Trump’s first wife stirred some controversy when she called herself the first lady while promoting her new book ‘Raising Trump’. Here to elaborate is Ivana Trump.

[Ivana Trump slides in]

Ivana Trump: Colin, why you always so harsh on Donald? Why you can’t give him a break? He’s not so bad. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Colin Jost: I’m surprised that you seem so supportive of him.

[Cut to Ivana Trump]

Ivana Trump: yes. Of course I am. We re like family. I am the first lady.

[Cut to Ivana Trump and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, yeah. But actually, Melania, right, is the first lady.

[Cut to Ivana Trump]

Ivana Trump: Yeah. Well, of course. but I am a first lady of Donald Trump, right? What do you call the one that is first? First lady. Am I lie?

[Cut to Ivana Trump and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay. So, your’e saying that because you were his first wife?

Ivana Trump: Oh! You see now. You get it. Look, this hardware is smart.

Colin Jost: So, tell us a little bit about the book you wrote.

[Cut to Ivana Trump]

Ivana Trump: Yes. Well, everywhere I go, the yacht club, the country club, private airplane, Ferrari expos, you know, everybody want to know, what is behind this red power suit? The chronic French twist hair? How I become a first lady? You know, how I met with Donald Trump. You know, I raised him too, since he was this tall. Ha-ha-ha-ha. He’s always very tall, right?

[Cut to Ivana Trump and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s good. That’s good.

Ivana Trump: You like this?

Colin Jost: I really like that. Yes. So, could you give us a taste of what’s inside the book?

Ivana Trump: Oh! Growing boy want a taste. Okay. I give you a little nibble. [Cut to Colin Jost. She wears her glasses and goes through her book] Let’s see. Come on. I give you chapter 14. How Donald was never around, I had to do everything. No, it’s not bad. He’s businessman. So, he’s doing business away from the family. I raised him myself.

[Cut to Ivana Trump and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait. That’s all the title of the chapter?

Ivana Trump: Yes. Just look. [Showing the title. The title is literally very long.] Yes. [Cut to Ivana Trump] The rest of the chapter is astounding photographs of my apartment in Miami, and my cute dog, Chuchu-nyonyo. It’s a really cute dog.

Colin Jost: Very cute. [Cut to Ivana Trump and Colin Jost] Aren’t you afraid you might be pushing some buttons with this book?

[Cut to Ivana Trump]

Ivana Trump: No. Look at my nails. I can’t push buttons with these nails. You see my joke? Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Ivana Trump and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s very good. I really enjoyed that. That was great.

Ivana Trump: Look, look, look. Donald and I have a very good relationship. We are a family after all. Look, I call every 14 days but I don’t like to call too much because if Melania pick up, I say, “No, don’t pay attention to me, Melania, it’s just old school friend from old school day.” You know, I don’t want jealousy. [Cut to Ivana Trump] I love the third lady. I don’t want her to be jealous of the first lady. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Ivana Trump and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. You keep calling yourself first lay.

Ivana Trump: Yes. But I am the first lady. Melania is third lady. Look, I support girls walking into disaster zones in her heels. [Cut to Ivana Trump] And by disaster zone, I mean walk-in closet. It’s so small. Ha-ha-ha-ha. I am on role, huh?

[Cut to Ivana Trump and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. Very great role. Yeah. Well, she is very upset with you. She tweeted you are only doing this to try to get attention.

Ivana Trump: No. Who is the author of this tweet? Melania or Michelle Obama? Ha-ha. You know what I’m talking about? From before?

Colin Jost: Yes. From a long time ago.

[Ivana Trump speaking gibberish because she’s eating something]

Colin Jost: What are you saying?

[Ivana Trump speaking gibberish]

Colin Jost: I’m okay. I can’t have hazel nuts.

Ivana Trump: Oh, you poor thing. [Cut to Ivana Trump] You know what? There is no bad blood. Melania can go back to manage the White House. And I will go back to young race car drivers in Miami because I prefer baby sitter over nurse. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Colin Jost: Thank you. Ivana Trump, everyone.

Ivana Trump: I am the first lady.

Colin Jost: First lady. Thank you guys. On a serious note tonight, I just wanted to say if you would like to help the people of Puerto Rico, please make a donation to Somos One Voice.

Michael Che: That’s right. Go to www.somosonevoice.com. Thank you very much. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update on Harvey Weinstein

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of emojis at left top corner.]

Apple has announced that it will add 100s of new emojis to it’s iOS system including a person at a spa, a vomiting face and a sushing finger. Finally giving emoji fans the ability to describe what it was like to work for Harvey Weinstein. [Picture changes to Harvey Weinstein] Weinstein who has been accused of multiple counts of sexual assault is reportedly going to Europe for sex rehab. Somehow, I don’t think that’s gonna help anybody. He doesn’t need sex rehab. He needs a specialized facility where there are no women, no contact with the outside world, metal bars and it’s a prison.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of Hervey Weinstein at right top corner.]

Michael Che: You know, it’s a tough spot for a comedian because it’s so hard to make jokes about sexual assault. But it’s so easy to make jokes about a guy that looks like this. I mean he looks like chewed bubblegum rolled in cat hair. Weinstein told reporters that he was seeking help and added, “We all make mistakes.” Nah, man. A mistake is me walking into the wrong bathroom and using it anyway because I was crowning. But you– you assaulted dozens of women. That’s not a mistake. That’s a full season of Law and Order. Your name’s a verb now, dude, as in, “If this guy tries to Weinstein me, I’m going to cut off his little Harvey.” Ugh! Doesn’t he look like a well dressed skin tag?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and a Caduceus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After issuing a series of executive orders designed to dismantle the Health Care Act, president tweeted, “The Democrats Obamacare is imploding. Dems should call me to fix!” You can’t say it’s imploding when you are actively destroying it. Godzilla never tweeted, “Tokyo is totally imploding right now. I alone can solve!”

Experts are now worried that Trump actions could destabilize Obamacare markets which brings the number of things Trump has destabilized up to all of them. But this is what Trump does. He just messes everything up and then just rolls away like an old lady knocking over a wine display with a rascal scooter. He doesn’t care if other people get hurt. He just keeps moving. And then we hear, “Clean up on aisle, Puerto Rico.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During the signing ceremony for his executive orders on healthcare, president Trump walked away without even signing it. But then, good old Mike Pence was there to remind that she forgot to assign homework. Yay!

Sever aids to president Trump are reportedly saying that he is unraveling and losing a step. Okay, but what point exactly was he ever in step? Coz from here, it’s been like nine months of watching the cat try to walk in Timberlands. During the speech at the value voter summit yesterday, president tons of fun said this.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: You know, we’re getting near that beautiful Christmas season that people don’t talk about anymore. They don’t use the word ‘Christmas’ because it’s not politically correct. Well, guess what? We’re saying Merry Christmas again.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Dude, people say ‘Merry Christmas’ all the time. My deli guy is Muslim, and he says Merry Christmas every time he makes a ham sandwich. You know what, I don’t want to say Merry Christmas anymore because I don’t like that Trump supporters always want us to be specific when it’s about stuff that’s important to them. It can’t be ‘Happy holidays.’ It has to be ‘Merry Christmas.’ It can’t be ‘Save the planet.’ It’s gotta be ‘America first.’ But then when somebody wants to stand up for black people or gays or women, they are like, “Hey, wait a minute. What about everybody else?” So, you know what? Don’t think of it as me saying ‘Happy holidays’ anymore. Think of it as me saying ‘All holidays matter.’

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and NBC News logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In a press conference, president Trump continued to question the legitimacy of Network News saying, “It’s frankly disgusting the press is able to write whatever it wants to write.” Although, I think if the media could write whatever they wanted, they would have reported “Hillary Clinton is next president.”

[Picture changes to Niger flag]

Military officials have announced that they will increase missions to train, advise and assist troops in the African nation of Niger. The focus on Niger is viewed as a direct challenge to president Trump’s autocorrect.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mike Ditka at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I liked it. [Colin Jost laughing] Former Chicago Bears coach Mike Ditka who was critical of NFL player protest said in an interview that there has been no oppression in the last 100 years that he knows of. Oh, really, Mike? So you think your black players actually wanted to do this?

[Cut to a video of athletes singing in the show ‘The Super Bowl Shuffle’.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jamele Hill at right top corner.]

ESPN has suspended host Jamele Hill after she posted on twitter her opposition to Jerry Jones threatening to bench players who kneeled during the anthem. Worse, she will be replaced by– oh, no. Mike Ditka.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a logo of Oreo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: [asking Michael Che] What’s that?

Michael Che: Go.

Colin Jost: Okay. Me. Go? Oreo has announced a new contest in which people can win $50,000 for guessing the correct flavor of their mystery cream. Spoiler alert, the flavor is Gary. [Picture changes to a random white person]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kim Jong-Uh at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was reported that North Korean hackers stole a number of military documents from South Korea, including a plan to assassinate Kim Jong-Un. Though, all the plan says is, “Wait for diabetes.”

Weekend Update- Ruth Bader Ginsburg on Neil Gorsuch

Colin Jost

Ruth Bader Ginsburg… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Supreme court is also back in session this week with new Trump appointed justice Neil Gorsuch. Here to comment is liberal justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Let me at ’em. Let me at ’em. Put ’em up.

Colin Jost: You are coming in swinging, justice.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Colin, no, I can’t go on a swing. I’m too tiny. Last time I went on a swing, I ended up in space.

Colin Jost: Okay. Alright. So, what do you think of your new colleague, Neil Gorsuch?

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Ugh! This new guy, yap-yap-yap-yap-yap. If I knew he was coming in so hot, I would have worn an oven mitt. Which is what I use as a sleeping bed. But, I will say, Colin, it’s nice to have nine justices again, because for the last year, we’ve been a hung jury. Except for justice Alito. That guy legislates from the bench, but he measures from the balls. That’s a Gins-burn! What?

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost]

[Music playing. Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing.]

Colin Jost: Alright. Just, well, you might not have a full bench for long coz justice Kennedy says he’s considering retiring. Are you worried about that?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Of course, I am. [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] I can’t wait to see the goon Trump brings in next. The honorable justice Steven Seagal? Kennedy was supposed to be our swing vote, right? If he goes, it’s gonna be just Roberts. And if he swing and I’m taking my keys out of the bowl. You smell that? What is that?

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I don’t kow.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: What is– it smells like smoke. What is it? It’s a Gins-burn.

[Music playing. Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing.]

Colin Jost: Yeah, right. Yes. And Kennedy could be the decisive vote in this big new Gerrymandering decision that’s coming up.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Yes. Gerrymandering! [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] Thank you for saying. Look at this. [Ruth Bader Ginsburg pulls out a chart with six lands marked red] Gerrymandering districts. Look at the way the politicians redrew these maps. That’s not a district. That’s a tape worm. They snip. They snip a little here, a little there. Hello, we see what you are doing. It’s like they’re at a cocktail party, they’re taking all the shrimp. And all the democrats are left with this sweaty cheddar. By the way, sweaty cheddar is what they call Steve Bannon in college. Ouch! That’s a nasty Gins-burn!

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost]

[Music playing. Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing.]

Colin Jost: Wow! You blew your glasses off. That’s amazing.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: At my age.

Colin Jost: It does seem like you are in good spirits, justice.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: I got to be, Colin. [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] The supreme court justice is the only job where people openly place bets on when you’re going to croak. Well, jokes on you. I made a deal with our female god that I would trade height for years. So, by 2095, I’m going to be the size of a play mobile but I’ll still gonna be kicking ass and taking Boniva.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So, you are determined to stay and fight?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Yeah. Who else is going to do it? [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] It’s always a woman. It just goes with the territory when you have got Yavoa. Or in my case, two little oxygen masks like they’ve got on an airplane. They look empty and they only drop down in an emergency. That’s a self-Gins-burn. Hello.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost]

[Music playing. Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing.]

Colin Jost: Justice Rugh Bader Ginsburg, everyone.

Weekend Update- Pete Davidson on Mental Health

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: There has also been a national conversation this week about mental health. Here to share his thoughts on this topic is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Oh! Thank you. Hey, Colin. Thanks. Um, well, as some of you may know, [Cut to Pete Davidson] I was recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. A form of depression. Depression affects more than like, 16 million people in this country. And there’s no like, cure per say. But for anyone dealing with it, there are treatments that can help. Like, first of all, if you think you are depressed, see a doctor and talk to them about medication.Also, be healthy. Eating right and exercise can make a huge difference. And finally, if you are in the cast of a late night comedy show, it might help if they, you know, do more of your sketches.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Wait, are you saying that you are depressed because you are not getting enough air time?

Pete Davidson: Oh, no, no, no. I was born depressed. But it might make me feel better if I was on TV more.

Colin Jost: I don’t know if this is maybe the best solution.

Pete Davidson: I mean, it’s worth a shot. I mean, come on! [Cut to Pete Davidson] This show is like eight hours long and there is fifty sketches a week. It seems weird you wouldn’t use one of them to fight mental illness. But I guess that’s not your style.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay. Alright. But maybe one approach would be to write more sketches for yourself, Pete.

Pete Davidson: That won’t work. [Cut to Pete Davidson] My sketches suck because they’re all written by a depressed person. Lorne said that.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So, it’s sort of like a chicken and the egg thing.

Pete Davidson: Exactly. [Cut to Pete Davidson] In fact, chicken and the egg was also one of my sketch ideas that got rejected. It was about a chicken that ate eggs, but it was also about black lives matter.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That sounds terrible.

Pete Davidson: It is. So, I need you to write it for me.

Colin Jost: Wait! You haven’t even written it yet?

Pete Davidson: No! I’m depressed. Look, here, [pulls out a paper] I have a doctor’s note. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I’ll read it.

Colin Jost: For the air time?

Pete Davidson: Yes. [clearing throat] To whom it may concern. Please use Pete in more sketches where he gets to kiss the host. And use more of his rap videos which I hear are actually really good. [Colin Jost and Michael Che laughing] This doctor is good, man!

Colin Jost: Sounds like a real doctor.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. Also, he should play Rex Tillerson a lot. Signed, Pete Davidson’s doctor.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That sounds legit. That sounds like a legit– [cheers and applause] Also, I would like to point out Pete, that you like nothing like Rex Tillerson.

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

Pete Davidson: So, give me a mask. Like, what? He looks like a muppet fell in a lake. And that’s just one of the many jokes you will see next week on Pete Davidson’s First Impressions segment.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update on the Las Vegas Shooting

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Mandalay Bay hotel, Las Vegas at left top corner.]

The investigation into the tragedy in Las Vegas this week has sparked a larger debate in America between people who want common sense gun control and people who are wrong. This shouldn’t be a partisan issue. The guy had 47 guns. No one should own 47 if anything. If you own 47 cats, you are not a responsible pet owner, you’re a crazy cat lady. And unlike with guns, the government will actually come and take your cats away because everyone agrees that’s insane. Also, this guy bought 33 of his guns in the past year and that didn’t set any kind of alert? If I buy $100 worth of Chick-fil-A, I get a text message from my bank that says, “Did you just purchase $100 worth of Chick-fil-A? Please, Colin, tell us this is fraud.” How was no one keeping track of how many guns people own? There is a real law in Texas that says it’s illegal to own more than six dildos. And I get why. No one needs that many. If you have more than six dildos, it’s a clear sign you are training for something awful.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Capitol building at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Why is it so hard to get gun control in this country? I mean, who are these delicate snowflakes that we can’t just tell, “No, you are not allowed to have 40 guns anymore, Earl. From now on, you can have one gun, max, and six bullets. If you can’t hit what you’re shooting with six bullets, then you don’t need to be shooting at it. Learn karate or use your words.” I’m sick of this narrative that Americans just love guns so much. It’s not true. 78% of Americans don’t even own a gun. and 3% of Americans own 50% of all guns in the country. That’s the problem. That whiny 3% that needs to feel secure all the time. That’s why I think we should do a buy-back program. For every gun you trade in, we give you one half inch of penis enlargement. That’s fair. If you trade in 10 guns, you get five more inches. And if women want to trade in their guns, don’t. Keep your guns, because you’re probably going to need them to fight all of those men in spandex fighting to show off their brand-new eight inch penises.

[Picture changes to Paul Ryan]

of the house, Paul Ryan said that he wants congress to look into some proposals for gun control. But first, he wants to look into this briefcase from the NRA. [Picture changes to a briefcase filled with money] We have got to do something about the guns in this country. And I know about the second amendment. I know you think you need your gun to protect you from the government. I have noticed the people that bring up the second amendment all the time are always the same people that preach, “Respect law enforcement. Support the troops.” Meanwhile, they have a closet full of weapons because they think the same troops are gonna come and drive their house away. It’s hypocritical. It’s like saying, “I love my wife. I trust my wife. But I swear to god, that sneaky bitch is coming for me.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In other news, president Trump finally arrived in Puerto Rico this week. And let’s just say, problem solved.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump throwing toilet papers to the public]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Nothing says “I understand the gravity of the situation” like a billionaire tossing six rolls of paper towels to hurricane victims. Watching this, you know I realized Trump might not be the best president, but he would be the best mascot. Just let him go nuts like the Philly Phanatic throwing free stuff to fans, cruising around on a four wheeler, mocking other countries while he shakes that big old butt around.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Jeff Sessions.]

Meanwhile, attorney general Jeff Sessions is no ending an Obama policy protecting transgender employees from discrimination. Clearly, Trump and Sessions only care about reversing this policy because Obama created it. What we need to do is convince these guys that Obama wrote the second amendment to protect guns. The next day, Trump will be tossing guns into the ocean like paper towels.

[Michael Che laughing]

Weekend Update on AIM Shutting Down

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of America Online logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: AOL has announced that their long-running instant messenger service will shut down for good in December. AOL’s announcement said simply–

Recorded robot voice: Good bye.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The world’s heaviest woman died this week. The world’s heaviest woman was best known for her catch phrase, “Stop calling me that!”

[Picture changes to OJ Simpson and McDonald’s logo]

For OJ Simpson’s first meal after being released from prison, he had two double quarter pounder meals from McDonald’s. Which explains the new slogan for Burger King.

[Cut to Burger King commercial]

Male voice: Burger King. OJ eats at McDonald’s!

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of medical pills at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The White House is expected to soon roll back the federal requirement for employers to include birth control coverage in their health insurance. Which is just ridiculous. I mean, of all the goofy nonsense that employers do pay for, cookie cakes, tote bags, office parties, you can’t also spring $10 a month for birth control? I mean, how about just skip one bagel Friday so that Karen in accounting doesn’t have to take a maternity leave every time she raw dogs her husband? Karen in accounting begged me not to tell that joke. How could any guy even be against birth control if it makes better sex and no kids? We don’t even get any of the side effects. Women do. And they’re fine with it. Honestly, I don’t know how we’re getting away with this. It knocks their entire chemistry out of whack. Women are basically putting their bodies through global warming just so I can keep pretending to have a latex allergy.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a mobile phone and mosquitos at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It’s horrible. LG has introduced a new smart phone that emits ultrasonic waves which it says will keep mosquitos away… from your new brain tumor.

[Picture changes to a pie chart]

A new survey finds that half of Americans think that in the future, having sex with a robot will be normal. While the other half are women.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marking October, 2017 at right top corner.]

Michael Che: October is a national sarcasm awareness. Cool!

Weekend Update- Guy Who Just Bought a Boat on Dating

Colin Jost

The Guy… Alex Moffatt

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, fall is here. But the weather in New York has been unseasonably warm. Here to give us late summer dating advice is a guy who just bought a boat.

The guy: Hey. Ha-ha. Yeah.

Colin Jost: Welcome back.

The guy: Hey, Cojo, LL cool Jost, CJ one. Relax bro. Just a nickname. A little rib for their pleasure. Uh, very tight to be back. Thank you.

Colin Jost: Yeah. No, it’s great to have you. Do you have any, like, dating advice?

The guy: Jost. First step fellas, [Cut to The guy] you’re gonna want to rock a quality frag, okay? We’re talking cologne, Jost. [Cut to The guy and Colin Jost] Um, you got your arm kroms, your T hill frigs, your axe boast spra, [Cut to The guy] Anything that will turn her nose into a yes (no into yes). I have a small penis. Now, let’s talk realistic for your deal date. It’s all about locatio, locatio, locatio. Your best bet, a yeah, it’s gonna be a rue taba.

[Cut to The guy and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. What?

The guy: A rooftop bar, Colin. It’s like a regular bar but hornier. I’m rotten lay. [Cut to The guy] Now, when it comes to watering hose, nothing gets the hose watering quite like floor numero top. O2 is your go to and if you really want to drive at home, spring for bottle serves. My dong sucks.

[Cut to The guy and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait. I’m sorry. What was the last thing you said?

The guy: I said spring for bottle serves and my dong sucks. Try and keep up. It takes a village. [Cut to The guy] Um, but, when it comes to grade A, nobody pops the cork better than my b fam, my bruv from anov mov, please welcome my cousin, the guy who just joined Soho house.

[Cousin slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Cousin: Aye, aye, captain Black Out reporting for booty. Just kidding, Col. Try not to get lost at sea, Jost. Now, as a member of the Soho ho, that’s Soho house, you got to be a member to get in. Now, nothing gets your member in like a scluzi clue.

Colin Jost: A scluzi clue?

Cousin: That’s exclusive club. I have a shameful shnoz. Now, when the weather is unseasonable, she won’t be unreasonable. Rising temps make the ladies want to soak up your vitamin D, mine is legit horrible.

The guy: You wanna set this meat cute with your cute meat and mad D spurring. With the right tudes, comma laddie and longi, comma again. Before you know it, she will be under your duvet saying those magic words, “Is it in yet?”

Cousin: And it usually is.

Colin Jost: This is dating advice for everyone?

The guy: Um, si, seenior compadre. Little espanol for you.

[Cut to The guy and Cousin]

Cousin: Yeah, we picked it up during our semestia-bro-bro in the Barcelonzo. I’m terrible at sex.

The guy: I had to lay low in espanio for a straight senior year.

Cousin: Yeah. We were involved-ish in a vehic man-slaught if you know what I mean.

[Cut to Colin Jost, The guy and Cousin]

Colin Jost: Yeah. Well, that one I think everyone knows.

The guy: Okay. Man, those euro chicks go loco for a chore easo Americano. I can go three pumps tops. I’ll never forget what that one chick told me abroad my vessel. Two dongo is trasho.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Where did she say that?

The guy: On my boat, Colin!

Colin Jost: On your boat. Two bag wangs, everyone!

The guy and Cousin: We’re everywhere.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Angela Merkel on Reelection

Colin Jost

Angela Merkel… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Angela Merkel was reelected as chancellor of Germany for a fourth term and is now the longest serving leader in Europe. Here to comment is German chancellor Angela Merkel.

[Angela Merkel slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Angela Merkel: Yes. I am the winner. Yay! Yay!

Colin Jost: Are you happy that you won?

Angela Merkel: Yes. Of course I’m happy. [Cut to Angela Merkel] Is that not coming across? I have been working on my smile. Yay!

[Cut to Colin Jost and Angela Merkel]

Colin Jost: No. It seems a little tortured.

Angela Merkel: Well, to be honest, Colin, part of me was hoping to retire even though the average retirements age in Germany is 87, [Cut to Angela Merkel] at which point you transition into manual labour. Also, my victory was bitter sweet because the far, far right party won seats in our parliament for the first time since– you know– [mouth gesturing]

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What was that?

Angela Merkel: You know. The– [gibberish]

Colin Jost: Okay, yes, the Nazis. Right, yeah. You seem a little stressed out, chancellor.

Angela Merkel: Oh, thank you.

Colin Jost: No, I mean I’m worried about you. It seems like you are dealing with a lot.

Angela Merkel: Well, tell me about it. [Cut to Angela Merkel] It’s like everyone in Europe is having a Rowdy Slumber party and I’m the mean mom who has to send them straight to bed without their radishes.

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Do you have any allies left?

Angela Merkel: No ally. It’s mostly access these days. [Cut to Angela Merkel making faces] Except, except–

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Angela Merkel: Except for that French hunk Macron, ooh-la-la. Get me some diaphragms. I think of him and I’m like, “Obama who?” [looking at the camera] Barack, is it working? Am I making you jealous? Leave Michelle.

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay. I can tell you’re still a little hung up on president Obama, huh?

Angela Merkel: I know I must accept that it’s over and move on. So, I decided to get rid of everything in my house that reminds me of him. [Angela Merkel pulls out a box] A love letter that I wrote to him but never sent. [reading the letter] “To whom it may concern, I respect you, tepid regards, Merkel.”

Colin Jost: It’s beautiful.

Angela Merkel: [pulls out a CD] A CD I made you but was too shy to give. It’s a mix of all the songs by Creed. [pulls out a picture of her and Obama] A picture of us at the G20 summit. I was cold and you let me borrow your jacket. Turns out we were wearing the same suit. [closes the box and puts it away] I had to stop following him on social media so I wouldn’t be tempted to slide into his DMs. One night, I had one too many shots… one. And I sent him a picture of my bare knee. He wrote back, “Is that a peeled potato?”

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow. It’s got to be hard to go from Obama to Trump. I heard Trump didn’t even call you. He had four days to congratulate you.

[Cut to Angela Merkel]

Angela Merkel: Dis muta fuka. Four days. [yelling] Four days! Which in Germany is like 20 business days. Finally, I sent him a tiny email. I was like, “Are you going to say anything?” And he was like, “Oh, sorry, Just saw this, didn’t have my phone.” And I was like, “That feeling when he doesn’t text you back, but you see him tweeting.”

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, chancellor, I hope you find some time after your victory to relax and have fun. I mean, Halloween’s right around the corner.

Angela Merkel: Ah! Yes, yes. I already know what my costume will be. [Cut to Angela Merkel] I’ll be going as slutty Angela Merkel. That’s me, but with a hat.

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Angela Merkel, everyone!

Weekend Update on Hurricane Maria

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Thank you.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Puerto Rican flag at left top corner.]

Well, after president Trump was criticized for a terrible response to Hurricane Maria, this morning he finally gave the people of Puerto Rico what they needed most. A bunch of tweets straight up calling them lazy. Trump said that the people of Puerto Rico “Want everything to be done for them.” Then he told his caddy to repair his difficulty and drive him to the next hole.

Hey, Trump always said he was going to get things done faster than any other president. Now, I believe him. It took George W. Bush five years to get his Katrina.

Meanwhile, rapper Pitbull [picture changes to rapper Pitbull] has loaned out his private jet to help rescue people in Puerto Rico. Wow, if only Donald Trump knew someone with a private jet. How is the president of United States worse at humanitarian aid than Pitbull? And you know Pitbull was doing it while also featuring on four different trckas and hosting Foam partis for bud light. Trump is busy doing the real work. Making excuses while half explaining what an island is. Just watch.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: This is an island surrounded by water, big water, ocean water.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What are you talking about? It’s not a treacherous journey. It’s Puerto Rico. Not skull island. Cruise ships full of retired aunts go there all the time. I think Trump is working of one of those old sailor maps with sea monsters on it.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Puerto Rican flag at right top corner.]

Colin Jost: After mayor of San Juan criticized the government’s Puerto Rican relief efforts, president Trump attacked her on twitter saying, “The mayor of San Juan, who was very complimentary only a few days ago has now been told by the democrats that you must be nasty to Trump.” Oh, really, Donald? You bitch. Was she nasty to you? How nasty? Are you shaking? Do you want to smoke a Virginia slim until your hand stops moving? This isn’t that complicated issue, man. It’s a hurricane relief. These people need help. You just did this very same thing for white people, twice. Do the same thing. Go tell Melania to put on her flood heels, get some bottled water, some food, pack up some extra Atlanta Falcons super bowl t-shirts, write them a check with our money, you cheap cracker! You know, in one month you have mishandled Puerto Rico, Daca, the NFL. It’s like whenever anybody darker than your golf pants has problem, you are thinking, “How can I make this worse?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Tom Price at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Health and human services secretary Tom Price was forced to resign yesterday after he was caught using almost a million dollars in taxpayer money to fly on private jets. Yeah, that’s cool you resigned an all, but how about you pay us back the money? You can’t walk into a store and do a million dollars worth of damage and then be like, “Okay, I get it. I’ll leave.” No, man! Pay us. Besides, you can make that million back when you publish your memoir, “Oh, the places you’ll go in a government funded private jet.”

Michael Che: It’s a good book.

Colin Jost: It’s a long title, but a great one. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] This week, president Trump also continued his criticism of NLF players who took a knee during the national anthem. I guess Trump thought, “Well, CNN and MSNBC already hate me. How can I get ESPN to hate me too?” I’m worried it’s not gonna stop with the ESPN though. Next, he’s going to tweet a Nickelodeon that they need to show us Dora’s papers.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Adam Silver at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The commissioner of the NBA said that he expected players to follow league rules and stand during the national anthem. Okay, the NBA is what? 130-140% black? What exactly are you gonna do if they all decide to kneel? Have a game between New York Porzingis and the San Antonio Ginobili? How did this guy even get to be the commissioner of the NBA anyway? He looks like somebody put a suit on a sex toy. You know, it’s hard to ask black players to respect the flag when we know that this country cares more abut it than us. Okay? And we love flag. It’s just that white guys really love the flag. The only people I’ve seen love their flag more than white dudes are gay guys and the bloods. And it’s not personal. You just got to understand, there’s 50 stars on the American flag. But black people, we only feel welcome in like, eight. Some of them stars, we still don’t know too much about. That’s why if you ask a black person does he love America, he will be like, “Hey, I love Brooklyn. I’m still reserving judgement on the Dakotas.”