Tag: Colin Jost

Weekend Update on GOP Healthcare Bill

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of republican logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: There was no vote on the healthcare bill which means that the Obamacare repeal is officially dead. But is it? It’s been dead like three times already and it keeps coming back like a Jason movie. You know, at this rate, we’re only a few years way from “Freddy vs. Healthcare” which really scares the hell out of me because we all know who dies first in those movies.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hugh Hefner at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Not me. [Michael Che laughing] Playboy founder Hugh Hefner passed away this week at the age of 91. He will be buried in a folder marked ‘Work Stuff’. [Picture changes to a computer folder named ‘work stuff’.]

[Picture changes to a calendar marking October of 2017.]

October is blindness awareness month. So, don’t forget to say you are wearing a ribbon.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of a car and map of Saudi Arabia at right top corner.]

Michael Che: They’re not going to see this. [Colin Jost laughing] Saudi Arabia announced on Tuesday that it would begin allowing women to drive. Wow, that’s only a few short years after cars were allowed drive themselves.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of sewer at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Maintenance workers in Baltimore say they have cleared a 140 ton of fatberg from the sewer system which is made up of congealed fat and waste that will not break down. Good news, Baltimore, the McRib is back. [Picture changes to McDonald’s McRib.]

[Picture changes to Hostess packet snack called Ding Dongs]

And Hostess is unveiling new flavors of their snack cakes including white fudge Ding Dongs. Coincidentally, white fudge Ding Dongs is what they call Weekend Update in China.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of Caduceus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I don’t know who that’s more racist to. A new report shows that 2016 had the highest number of sexually transmitted diseases ever reported. Beating the record previously held by Kid Rock.

Wingman

Bartender… Beck Bennett

Dwayne Johnson

Carlos… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Dwayne sitting at a bar.]

Bartender: Hey, another round, boss?

Dwayne: Um, yeah, I guess I could do one more.

Bartender: You’ve got it.

Dwayne: Thank you.

[Dwayne is looking at a girl at the next table]

Bartender: Looks like she’s alone. You should go talk to her.

Dwayne: Oh, whoa! No no, no, no, no. No way, Jose. I can’t.

Bartender: Why? You married or something?

Dwayne: No, I’m just not good at approaching women. I get so nervous. I always mess it up. I men, my gosh. She’s beautiful, though.

Bartender: I’ll tell you what, I’m the perfect wingman. I’ll go over there and put in a good word for you.

Dwayne: Oh, no man! It’s okay. That’s too embarrassing.

Bartender: Come on! Come on!

Dwayne: No, no, no.

Bartender: Trust me. I got this.

[Bartender walks to the girl and they whisper to each other]

[Bartender walks back to Dwayne]

Bartender: Good news, my friend.

Dwayne: What did she say?

Bartender: She’s into it. Yeah. She wants to have a threesome with us.

Dwayne: Hey! Wait, what?

Bartender: I made it happen. She’s into the threesome idea.

Dwayne: Wait, wait. What threesome idea? I don’t even know you.

Bartender: Oh! You don’t know her either. What’s the difference? She wants to hook up.

Dwayne: Okay. Well, tell her I want to hook up with her, but not a threesome.

Bartender: Alright! Alright! Okay. I’ll see what she says.

[Bartender walks to the girl and they whisper to each other again]

[Bartender walks back to Dwayne]

Bartender: Alright, all cleared up. She’s willing to have sex with us one at a time, but says I get to go first.

Dwayne: What? Why do you keep putting yourself into this?

Bartender: Dude, I’m trying to wing you, man. You said you’re bad with women.

Dwayne: Okay, okay. Look, no offense but I’m only interested if she’s just her and me, not you.

Bartender: Uh, are you sure? That might piss her off.

Dwayne: Yeah, I’m sure. I’m positive.

Bartender: Okay. Your funeral.

[Bartender walks to the girl and they whisper to each other again. It seems like the girl actually likes it better.]

[Bartender walks back to Dwayne]

Bartender: She’s not into it, man.

Dwayne: Really? Well, she was nodding a lot.

Bartender: Yeah, she said it has to be a threesome or one at a time with me going first and then again right after you.

Dwayne: What? No! No!

Bartender: Okay. Okay. Okay. Let’s see who else is in here.

Dwayne: No, no, no. Just forget it. Go away. No. No.

Bartender: Come on. Dude, hang on. I’m the wingman. I want to hook you up. [another girl walks in to the bar] Whoa, whoa, hang on. The redhead over there. She’s definitely into you.

[the girl is looking at Dwayne and smiling]

Dwayne: She is so hot.

Bartender: Say no more. I’ll go over and ask if she wants to do a threesome.

Dwayne: No, no. I don’t want a threesome.

Bartender: Okay. Okay. No threesomes.

[Bartender walks to the girl and they whisper to each other again]

[Bartender walks back to Dwayne]

Dwayne: What happened?

Bartender: She said she would only sleep with you if her girlfriend could join in too. But I told her you don’t do threesomes.

Dwayne: No, wait! No! No! Dude, go back there and tell them yes.

Bartender: Oh, so now you’re into it?

Dwayne: Yes, I’m into it! It’s two girls. Of course I’m into it.

Bartender: Okay. Okay. Let me wing this.

[Bartender walks to the girl and they whisper to each other again]

[Bartender walks back to Dwayne]

Bartender: Okay. She said she’ll have a fivesome with us.

Dwayne: What? What’s a fivesome?

Bartender: You know. A five some. You and me, her and her girl and Carlos.

Dwayne: Who is Carlos?

[Carlos is standing behind Dwayne]

Carlos: Hey!

Dwayne: No, dude. No. Just forget it. Forget about it.

Bartender: Come on. I feel bad. I messed up. Give me one more shot.

[Bartender walks to another girl and they whisper to each other again]

[Bartender walks back to Dwayne]

Bartender: Okay, she’s into it.

Dwayne: Hey, just me and her?

Bartender: No, her and him.

Carlos: Hey!

Bartender: Yeah. You know, what can I say? Wingman strikes again. Ha-ha!

Weekend Update Drunk Uncle

Colin Jost

Drunk uncle… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, it has been a wild year here. And here with his thoughts on the past year and the years ahead is drunk uncle.

[Drunk Uncle slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Drunk Uncle: Woo-hoo-hoo. Hello! Season 42, baby! Make America drunk again! Wheee! What’s up, Colin? Come on, man! Pound it out.

[gives his fist to pound]

Colin Jost: Okay, yeah.

Drunk Uncle: Whites!

Colin Jost: Wait! No, that’s not–

Drunk Uncle: Down south? [gives his hand to tap]

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Drunk Uncle: Send the black there.

Colin Jost: No, that’s not– So drunk uncle, how have you been?

Drunk Uncle: How have I been? Amazing! Baby! President Trump! Finally, a white guy has a chance to make America great again. You know? Because Trumpy, oh, that little Trumpy, he’s putting America back to worm again, Colin. You know? Um, these kids today, they don’t even have summer jobs anymore. You know? When I was twelve years old, I was life guard, waiter, book store/zoo keeper, exterminator, mall Santa.’

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. You said you were a mall Santa in the summer?

[Cut to Drunk Uncle]

Drunk Uncle: What? I mean I asked people to sit on my lap. So, kind of. You know? And all these kids these days, all they care about is, “Can you Venmo me a face app?” “Excuse me! Is this pomegranate gender fluid?” Bleh! Here’s an Instagram story, go to church!

[Cut to Drunk Uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle! This is–

Drunk Uncle: [yelling] Yeah! I thought La-La-Land should have won. Why is everybody so sensitive now-a-days? [Cut to Drunk Uncle] You can’t even call it Nintendo Switch anymore. You gotta call her Katelyn.

[Cut to Drunk Uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle!

Drunk Uncle: Are these– We have the meats–

Colin Jost: What?

[Cut to Drunk Uncle]

[Drunk Uncle starts revolving on the chair]

Drunk Uncle: Fidget spinner. Fidget spinner. Fidget spinner. [laughing] You know, one time, I asked a fidget to spin and she said the correct term is little person. Ghostbusters should be men!

[Cut to Drunk Uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay. Drunk uncle–

[Cut to Drunk Uncle]

Drunk Uncle: [singing] Never gonna give you up
never gonna let you down
never gonna [singing gibberish]

[Drunk Uncle starts crying]

[Cut to Drunk Uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, no. Drunk uncle.

[Cut to Drunk Uncle]

Drunk Uncle: So I’m not Baywatch beach body, okay? So I am not Groot, okay? So I’m not a Fast a Furious, okay? Vroom! Vroom! That’s not me.

[Cut to Drunk Uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: It’s not anyone.

Drunk Uncle: Hey.

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle!

Drunk Uncle: Shh! [Drunk Uncle is poking Colin Jost’s mouth]

Colin Jost: Yes. Yes, it’s in there. Yes. Fully in my mouth.

Drunk Uncle: You’re my best friend.

Colin Jost: Oh. That’s insane. Best friend?

Drunk Uncle: Hey.

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Drunk Uncle: Hey.

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Drunk Uncle: Do a shot with me. Do a shot with me.

Colin Jost: Do  as hot with you?

Drunk Uncle: Come on! One for the road, please? Just do one shot.

Colin Jost: But I can’t. I’m here–

Drunk Uncle: Do one shot with me, right? Come on! [cheers and applause]

Colin Jost: Okay.

Drunk Uncle: Okay?

Colin Jost: Alright? For you, I’ll do one shot.

Drunk Uncle: Okay, you first. [Drunk Uncle pulls out a gun] There’s one empty chamber and five bullets.

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost. There’s a picture of ‘Plan B One-Step’ in vending machine at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The University of California Devis has installed a new vending machine that sells ‘Plan B’ emergency contraception. While at Florida state, they just shoot it out of T-shirt cannons at half time.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of a woman wearing a colorful dress at right top corner.]

Michael Che: An artist recently completed a dress made out of 10,000 Starburst wrappers. Nice try, said a stiff breeze. [Picture changes to stiff breeze wrappers]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of men wearing rompers at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A kick starter project has been launched to create a line of rompers for men called Rompim. As a victim of the beating was wearing a Rompim.

[Picture changes to a prison cell]

A new gym has opened in New York called Con Body which looks like a prison and features workouts developed by former inmates. So, you might want to shower at home.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of China map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Officials in a small town in China have given into animal rights activists and made it illegal to sell dog meat. So, good news animals. Free dog meat!

[Picture changes to Dwayne Johnson]

A new poll shows that Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson would beat Donald Trump in hypothetical race for president. That’s true. [cheers and applause] The Rock would also beat his long time rival, Dwayne ‘The Scissors’ Johnson.

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Okay. I know I said this last week but this week was crazy. Obviously, Trump’s not done yet but let’s just say [Picture changes to Mike Pence pitching at baseball field] Mike Pence is definitely warming up in the bowl pitch. With the White House reeling from allegations of obstruction justice, president for now Trump said point blank, that he never told FBI director James Comey to end the Russia investigation. So this sets up real dilemma who are you gonna believe? The head of the FBI or the guy who is definitely lying.

[Picture changes Donald Trump and James Comey]

It was also reported that Trump asked Comey when he will public announce that Trump was not under investigation, which sounds pretty suspicious. If you’re watching an episode of Law&Order and the husband asked the detectives, “So when are you gonna announce I’m not a suspect in my wife’s disappearance?”, that guy definitely buried the lady in the woods. A friend of Comey also revealed that Comey was so uncomfortable around Trump that he tried to blend in with the curtains at the back of the room so Trump wouldn’t see him. But if he really wanted to avoid interacting with Trump, he should have just married him.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Robert Mueller at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The justice department has named Robert Mueller as special council to oversee the investigation of the Trump campaign. Now, this should make Trump very nervous because Mueller is a former director of FBI. And FBI are the cops for rich white guy crimes like bank fraud or sex island. You know, typical stuff. So, Trump finding out Mueller is investigating him is like a chicken finding out he’s being investigated by a Kentucky Kernel. [Picture changes to Donald Trump’s tweet] And you can tell Trump knows that heat is on because he tweeted out, “This is the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history!” I guess he’s right. It is pretty great! President Trump also said in the speech that no politician in history has been treated worse or more unfairly than him. Honey, it’s because you’re not a real politician. You’re a politician like [Picture changes to Ja Rule] Ja Rule is a festival organizer.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump talking to Russian officials at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported yesterday that president Trump told a Russian official, “I just fired the head of the FBI. He was crazy. A real nut job.” Which actually makes sense. Coz the only people Trump ever interacts with are conspiracy theorists, Russian gangsters and Scott Baio. [Picture changes to Scott Baio]

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and James Comey]

Comey is probably so normal that to Trump, he seems insane. He’s like, “You got to meet this lunatic. He’s got one wife, own zero helicopters, and he doesn’t even believe Hillary Clinton runs a sex ring out of a pizza shop. Total nut job!” In the end, I’m just happy that a nut job wasn’t something that happened to Trump in a Russian hotel room.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump talking to Russian officials at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was also reported in that same meeting that Trump revealed classified intelligence. Well, of course he did. He’s just excited to let people know that he knows stuff. Trump handles government secrets like my aunt handles church gossip. I beat everything he leaks to Russia starts with, “Russia girl, sit down.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Saudi Arabia map at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Tomorrow’s going to be exciting because president Trump is scheduled to give a speech about Islam in Saudi Arabia. Which is kind of like Mike Pence giving a toast at a gay wedding.

[Picture changes to the White House]

It has obviously been a tough start for the Trump administration. So, we just want a moment to look back and remember all the people Trump has lost this year.

[cut to slideshow of pictures of Paul Manafort (resigned), Michael Flynn (forced to resign), Chris Christie (thrown under a bus), Rudy Giuliani (wooden stake), Sean Spicer (Shhh, he doesn’t know yet).]

Rap Song

Big Chris… Kenan Thompson

Shantasia… Sasheer amata

Young Bitch… Pete Davidson

Prinsexxxy… Leslie Jones

Sno’Cone… Mikey Day

Sloppy Moses… Kyle Mooney

Marci Jamz… Melissa Villaseñor

King Keef… Dwayne Johnson

Lil’ Nitwit… Alex Moffat

2 Black Guyz… Colin Jost, Michael Che

Hawt Clown… Cecily Strong

Pregnasty… Kate McKinnon

Skiffle… Bobby Moynihan

Katy Perry

Kathleen Bell… Aidy Bryant

Essentially Simon… Beck Bennett

David S. Pimkskins… Tom Hanks

Dat Snatch*… Vanessa Bayer

[Music video starts with Big Chris in the intro]

[music playing]

Big Chris: Uh! This that new track. New money crew. Cash Stack Records. Represent, Big Chris.

Shantasia: With Shantasia. Ha-ha.

Young Bitch: Featuring your boy, Young Bitch!

Big Chris: Here we go, uh! Yo…

Prinsexxxy: Prinsexxxy on the track.

[Big Chris is looking around getting confused]

Holding it down.

Sno’Cone: With Sno’Cone.

Big Chris: Yeah, they up on this track too. Y’all never heard this many MCs. Here we go. Yo…

Sloppy Moses: Sloppy Moses also part of this.

[Big Chris is annoyed]

Bring it down, West Coast!

Big Chris: Um, him too. And that’s more than enough now. Yeah, Big Chris.

Shantasia: Shantasia.

Young Bitch: Young Bitch.

Prinsexxxy: With Prinsexxxy.

Big Chris: Whole lot of people.

Sno’Cone: Sno’Cone!

Marci Jamz: Marci Jamz.

Sloppy Moses: It’s Sloppy Moses.

Big Chris: And then we cut it off there. Uh! Yeah. I mean, we more than covered on this particular track. And yo! Don’t think I ain’t notice you trying to fly under the radar Marci Jamz!

Sno’Cone: New Money Crew roll deep.

Big Chris: I mean, maybe too deep? I don’t know!

King Keef: Featuring King Keef.

Big Chris: No! This track is full, man! There ain’t no vacancy, B!

King Keef: King Keef does not accept that. Brought the whole Hoodlum squad to this track!

Sno’Cone: Hoodlums!

King Keef: Where you at, Lil’ Nitwit?

Lil’ Nitwit: Keep it greasy, y’all!

Big Chris: What happened there?

2 Black Guyz: With 2 Black Guyz.

Big Chris: Bad name!

Hawt Clown: Hey, Hawt Clown!

Big Chris: Ah, [bleep]

Hawt Clown: You know what it is.

Pregnasty: Gucci girl, Pregnasty!

Big Chris: No!

Skiffle: And y’all, don’t forget about your boy Skiffle! Bow-yaka-yaka.

Sloppy Moses: Ah!

King Keef: Oh! Skiffle!

Big Chris: Yo! Definitely ain’t no room for Skiffle.

King Keef: Yo, Skiffle, sing!

Katy Perry: And you know, Katy Perry on the track!

Kathleen Bell: With Kathleen Bell.

Big Chris: Aite, maybe not Kathleen Bell.

Kathleen Bell: [singing] Here we go, new music.

Essentially Simon: Essentially Simon, modern day witch. Bringing those new musings like nothing’s more dangerous than a genius with money.

Big Chris: Whatever! Anybody else?

David S. Pimpkins: David S. Pimkskins! [cheers and applause]

Big Chris: No!

King Keef: Yes!

Big Chris: Alright, everybody could say, you know, let’s just keep it orderly. Find a place to pop in, alright? Here we go. Big Chris on the mic like–

[All the rappers are rapping simultaneously. It’s noisy and doesn’t make sense.]

Stop! Stop! that did not work! It’s like I feel there’s too many people on this track. I’m sorry, y’all.

Dat Snatch*: Dat Snatch* out! Peace!

Big Chris: Yo! Who dis?

David S. Pimpkins: Any questions?

[The End]

Weekend Update- Pete Davidson on Being Sober

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The new republican healthcare proposal could end protection for access to drug treatment and rehab. Here with his thoughts is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

Pete Davidson: Hey, wad up, Colin?

Colin Jost: What’s up?

Pete Davidson: Good, how are you?

Colin Jost: I’m doing great. So, what have you been up to since you got sober?

Pete Davidson: Um, well, they say quitting drugs is hard and that’s true, but they don’t tell you how boring it is. [Cut to Pete Davidson] Whoever said there aren’t enough hours in a day was a liar. There are so many hours in the day. 24 to be exact. Did you guys know what? Did you know there were 24 hours in a day? Coz I thought there were only six.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, that’s good to know. I feel like there must have been something you did with your time off. Right?

Pete Davidson: I’ve been masturbating.

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

Colin Jost: It’s great.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. I’m doing that a lot. I was on drugs for the last eight years. So now I have to get, like, all the bad kids out.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Um, I’m sorry. What does that mean?

Pete Davidson: I got to masturbate all the bad kids out, Colin. [Cut to Pete Davidson] There’s a bunch of dummies in there. If I had  kid right now, he would come out with a snapback and a neck tattoo.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m just– I guess I’m just going to move on from that. So, how did you become sober?

Pete Davidson: Well, I went to rehab [Cut to Pete Davidson] and here’s some advice. Never pick the rehab you want to go to while you are high. Coz that’s what I did. I just googled rehab and picked the first place that popped up. What caught my eye about this one was their main attraction was horse therapy.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What’s horse therapy?

Pete Davidson: Well, wouldn’t we all like to know, Colin? [Cut to Pete Davidson] I’m not 100% sure, but I think it’s like when you pet horses and you look at them and like heal through their horseyness. You pet them and you look them in the eye and you’re like, “You’re trapped. I’m trapped. We get thorough this.”

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, it actually sounds kind of nice.

Pete Davidson: It does, doesn’t it? But the first day I got to rehab, guess who is allergic to horses. So… yeah. that’s how poor I was growing up. I never even met a horse. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I remember doing the allergy test when they test you for dogs, cats and grass and all that. I remember the doctor specifically asked my mom, “Should he be tested for horses?” And she literally said, “Nah, he will never see one.” And then she said, “We’re more of a six flags type family.”

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. That sounds like a nightmare scenario. Rehab.

Pete Davidson: It was. Do not go to rehab that has horse therapy. If you go it will cost you 40 grand.

Colin Jost: Wait, it cost you $40,000?

Pete Davidson: To pet a horse. [Cut to Pete Davidson] You can have sex with a person for like, 50 bucks. I should have banged that horse.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone!

Weekend Update on Aunt Jemima Recall

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Aunt Jemima logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Aunt Jemima is recalling several breakfast food products because they might contain Listeria, who I’m guessing is Jemima’ sister.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a monkey and map of India at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Officials in India are hoping to deal with the exploding monkey population by providing them with birth control. India, where they treat monkeys better than America treats women. By the way, they have to use birth control pills because every time they tried to teach the monkey to use condom, it ate the banana. So, just the first joke?

[Picture changes to a computer]

A company in Canada has created a new software than can mimic anyone’s voice and get it to say anything. I will finally be able to hear my dad say, “I’m proud of you.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Calendar marked on May Colin Jost4 at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Tomorrow’s Mother’s Day, so don’t forget to call your mama, because I won’t!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of McDonald’s logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: McDonald’s introduced a new utensil called froerk, which is a fork made with French Fries. It’s a perfect way to tell your arteries to go fork themselves!

Weekend Update Cathy Anne

Michael Che

Cathy Anne

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: On Tuesday, president Trump fired FBI director James Comey. The contradictory reasons for his firing coming out of the Trump campaign has been causing a lot of confusion, just like I just had. Here to clear things up, is the woman who is always yelling outside my window, Cathy Anne.

[Cathy Anne slides in]

Cathy Anne: Hey, hey, Michael Che. You are looking nice today.

Michael Che: Well, thank you, Cathy Anne.

Cathy Anne: Michael Che. Can you understand half of SHT what’s going on right now? Coz everything to me is more confusing and messier than when my uncle’s ‘you know what’ lab exploded.

Michael Che: Okay, Cathy Anne.

Cathy Anne: Meth lab.

Michael Che: Yeah. I figured it was a meth lab.

Cathy Anne: Can you believe that Donald Trump gets to fire the man investigating him? [Cut to Cathy Anne] Whow! I mean, if I got to fire every person that investigated me, I would still have my job at Pizza Hut.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: What happened at Pizza Hut?

Cathy Anne: Oh, what didn’t happen at pizza hut? Oh, man. Did you hear what he said about James Comey? [Cut to Cathy Anne] I mean, it’s like he’s trying to pick a fight with the FBI. Who the hell wants to pick a fight with the FBI? Okay, let me say. I’ll be left up with you, okay? I have had some problems with paranoia in my life just due to funky wiring in my head and mixed with mild recreational heavy drug use. God, you gotta be paranoid for real if you messing with the FBI and the Russians on top of that? I mean, he is living the actual life junkies are dreaming about in the bowling alley. When they’re like, “The CIA is after me. The Russians are listening.” But that’s his real life. You know what I mean?

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Yeah, I don’t know anything about his real life, Cathy Anne.

Cathy Anne: What is he thinking? Hanging out on Russians anyway, right? [Cut to Cathy Anne] They’re the ones that’s always pushing people out of windows and shooting them in the back of the cars, blowing that poison paint in the people’s face. He is taking selfish move in the Oval Office. I bet you that he has more Russian friends than I have days left to live.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Cathy Anne, don’t say that.

Cathy Anne: Hey, baby, I live hard, okay? I’m like a shooting star. Just, pheww! You tell my story, Michael Che.

Michael Che: Alright, I’m not completely familiar with it, but I’ll try.

Cathy Anne: You know what? Here’s the thing. [Cut to Cathy Anne] I don’t even have problem with Donald Trump, right? Coz he’s crazy. And crazy recognizes crazy. Okay? Donald Trump, I see you, my man.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Your man?

Cathy Anne: Look. It’s all these republicans in congress pretending they don’t see what’s going on. [Cut to Cathy Anne] I know you’re not dumb. The only thing these investigating committees need to be book looking for is a damn backbone. Right? And you know it’s not going to be Mitch McDonald because he acts even more scary than he looks and he looks like this. [acting like Mitch McConnell] Right? Like somebody one poke the turtle. But I tell you, the rest of them need to grow a pair to put their country before the party. Don’t tell us we ain’t got the money to pay for people’s health care and turn around and spend $1 million a day so Donald Trump’s wife don’t have to sleep in the same bed as him.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Cathy Anne! Come on!

Cathy Anne: I’m not dumb. I can relate, Michael Che. [Cut to Cathy Anne] There’s been a similar situation, right? I used to get paid $15 a day to stay away from this man that ran a dry cleaner down the street from me. He would just leave it in a little envelope and just write “Please” on the outside of it. that’s how I got my first cricket phone.

Michael Che: [laughing] Cricket? You’re the only person I know with a cricket phone.

Cathy Anne: You put it in my story, Michael Che.

Michael Che: Alright.

Cathy Anne: No, listen to me. If this dude turns into a watergate type situation, I’m saying it right now. I call deep throat.

Michael Che: Oh! Cathy Anne, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and James Comey at left top corner.]

Well, I know most of us think this every week but this week was crazy. On Tuesday, president Trump fired FBI director James Comey. Then the White House panicked and started blurting out excuses like a husband with glitter on his collar. Finally, Trump came forward and he said he decided to fire Comey himself because Comey “wasn’t doing a good job.” Adding, for example, “I am still president.” Then he called Comey a show boat. This guy, [picture changes to James Comey] this guy is a show boat. He looks like if the word ‘gosh’ became a person. Trump was also reportedly surprised that people were angry he fired the guy investigating the Trump campaign. How did Trump not realize that was suspicious? I mean if a drug sniffing dog came up to your bag at the airport and your response was to shoot the dog, people would really wonder what’s in that bag. Or they would just assume you work for United. [picture changes to United airlines logo]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Steve Bannon at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Steve Bannon reportedly told the president that this was not the right time to fire Comey. Well, when would be the good time to fire the guy that’s investigating you? While he’s putting on a handcuffs? Also, you know something looks bad when Steve Bannon has to walk into your office with hot dog breath in his 10 o’clock shadow like, “Hey, this could be bad for our image, boss.”And it does look bad. In fact, everything Trump does sounds like a trailer of a wacky movie. Trump headline should come with a record scratch in a fun song. For instance, this week president Trump halts an FBI investigation by firing… [questioning tone] the head of the FBI? [song ‘I feel good’ playing]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Sean Spicer at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After the Comey news was made public, White House press secretary Sean Spicer tried to evade reporters by ducking into some bushes. Which is weird because diving into bushes without warning is usually his boss’s thing. [Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Michael Che: A lot of emotions there.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Spicer’s thirsty understudy Sarah Huckabee Sanders said James Comey had committed basic atrocity as well he was head of the FBI like re-opening the Hillary Clinton investigation. But that’s not a basic atrocity. A basic atrocity is when you post a brunch photo that says ‘pizza is life’. But when your profile pic is you on an inflatable swan. Basic atrocities is by the way, is also where Sarah Huckabee Sanders gets her wardrobe. [Picture changes to Basic Atrocities fancy store]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s tweet at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump warned in a tweet that “James Omey better hope that there are no ‘tapes’ of our conversations before he starts leaking to the press!” I don’t even know what that mens because he put the word ‘tapes’ in quotes. Adding random quotations so a word just makes everything sound a lot worse. it’s the difference between saying, “Grandma is sleeping”, and “Grandma is [does the two finger quote gesture] sleeping.”

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Trump also tweeted, “As a very active President with lots of things happening, it is not possible for my surrogates to stand at podium with perfect accuracy!…” First of all, very active is not how you describe a president. That’s how you describe imagination of a child that draws pictures of his school on fire.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump’s twitter profile]

Then he goes on to say, “… Maybe the best thing to do would be to cancel all future “press briefings” and hand out written responses for the sake of accuracy???” N, dude! You can’t just get rid of press briefings. Every time we criticize Donald Trump, he tries to offer a way worse plan as the solution. Just like when people criticize Trump for not actually draining the swamp, and Trump was like, “Well, I guess that means I should… [questioning tone] hire my son-in-law? [song ‘I feel good’ playing]

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of a letter at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A letter released by president Trump’s lawyers claim that the last 10 years of his tax returns do not show any income from Russian sources “with a few exceptions”. ‘With a few exceptions’ is not a comforting phrase. That’s like hearing, “Don’t worry. All the kids came back from the field trip, with a few exceptions.” I’d also just like to point out that one of his tax attorneys is named Willy Nelson. And I know it’s not this Willy Nelson [Picture changes to Willy Nelson the singer] who famously didn’t pay his taxes, but still, I wouldn’t hire a baby sitter legal name was Jared Fogle. [Picture changes to Jared Fogle]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of

Michael Che: Are the Fogles here? Education secretary Betsy DeVos was boo’ed while giving a commencement speech at the historically all black Bethune-Cookman University. It was the most booing from the all black audience since I let Colin let open for me at the Apollo. [Picture changes to Colin Jost doing stand-up]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: It’s a private moment