Tag: Colin Jost

Weekend Update- LaVar Ball

Michael Che

Lavar Ball… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The NBA season is two weeks in and the Los Angeles Lakers are off to a good, but not a great start, led by rookie Lonzo Ball. Here to give his take is Lonzo’s outspoken father, Lavar Ball.

[Lavar Ball slides in]

Lavar Ball: Whoo! [Colin Jost laughing] How you doing, Michael? I told you it would happen. The Lakers are the best team ever. Never lost.

Michael Che: They’re not the best team ever. They are only like 5 and 7. And you already promised that Lonzo would be bigger than Kobe Bryant?

Lavar Ball: You damn right.

Michael Che: Lonzo is averaging just over eight points a game. I mean that’s not bad, but that’s not up to the level of Kobe Bryant.

Lavar Ball: Man, don’t talk to me about no Kobe Bryant. [Cut to Lavar Ball] My offspring is going to rule the world. Just look at me. I’m a giant. Full head of hair. 12 fingers. I can pull a tractor trailer 20 miles over a mounting using using only my junk! And I’m the only man on earth who has ever eaten just one lays potato chip.

[Cut to Michael Che and Lavar Ball]

Michael Che: So, I’m assuming you still think Lonzo is going to win MVP?

Lavar Ball: Oh, man, he is going to win more than that. [Cut to Michael Che] He’s going to win the dunk contest, the three-point shooting contest, every single power ball jackpot and he will be named America’s next top model, all while wearing the signature ZO twos.

[Cut to Michael Che and Lavar Ball]

Michael Che: Oh, I forgot that Lonzo already has his own sneaker that cost $500. How are those selling, by the way?

Lavar Ball: None of your business. Right now, I’m focused on my TV show ‘Ball and the Family.’

Michael Che: Oh, yeah. Is that the show that airs on Facebook?

Lavar Ball: You’re damn right it’s on Facebook. [Cut to Lavar Ball] Coz it’s the biggest show in the world. A million likes. A half million surprising faces. It’s the only show you can watch while you look at you friend’s kids halloween costumes. The whole ball family is on there. Lonzo, Liangelo, La Mellow, and my long lost Mexican son, Letaco.

[Cut to Michael Che and Lavar Ball]

Michael Che: You know, I saw Liangelo got into a little trouble this week when he was caught shoplifting in China.

Lavar Ball: What? Come on! [Cut to Lavar Ball] Why my boy need to do shoplifting for when he’s just about to put out his own million dollar sneaker? Introducing Liangelo’s Legeno 20s.

[Lavar Ball pulls out a pair of sneakers to show] Each one cost $700,000. That’s right. Each sneaker. You can only buy one of them at a time. Never a pair. [shouting at Michael Che’s ear] Never a pair!

[Cut to Michael Che and Lavar Ball]

Michael Che: Why are they so expensive?

Lavar Ball: Coz each Legeno 12 comes fully loaded with power laces, [cut to Lavar Ball] a Bose 24 sound system, and the world’s finest chicken rotisserie cooker.

[Cut to Michael Che and Lavar Ball]

Michael Che: A rotisserie cooker?

Lavar Ball: Chicken rotisserie.

Michael Che: I also heard that you pulled La Mellow out of school and you are home schooling him now?

Lavar Ball: Oh, that’s right. And the results are amazing. [Cut to Lavar Ball] I worked with the boy only two hours and he opened his own successful business. A French restaurant called La Mellow’s La Magnificent. Michelin 10-star rated. And the best rotisserie chicken cooked to perfection by the new Ligelo 20s. [Michael Che laughing]

[microwave bell sound]

Oh, it’s ready, Michael. [Lavar Ball pulls out a chicken drum stick out of the shoes and gives it to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Oh my god!

Lavar Ball:  There you go.

Michael Che: Thank you.

Lavar Ball: That’s for you. That will be $750,000, please.

Michael Che: Lamar Ball, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Claire from HR

Colin Jost

Claire… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: With this unending parade of sexual abuse allegations from actors, producers and politicians, they’ve all come to light recently. Here with her annual sexual harassment guidelines seminar is Claire from HR.

[Claire slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Hi, Claire. Is that a receipt on your neck?

Claire: Oh, yeah. Sorry. I was just grabbing lunch.

Colin Jost: At CBS?

Claire: Yeah. it’s been a crazy week.

Colin Jost: Okay.

Claire: They want these today and I haven’t been home in three days. So…

Colin Jost: Oh my god.

Claire: You guys do probably wanna get going to the show. So, I’m just– we’ll just do our little HR quiz. Just make sure we’re all on the same page. Sorry. Okay. We’ll start. Okay. [Cut to Claire] First question is just about office romance. It’s not a big deal. We know it happens. Right? So, what is the appropriate way to handle a workplace relationship? A, inform someone at HR. B, lock her in a room and make her look at it. Or, C, bully her out of the entire industry.

[Cut to Claire and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m gonna say A.

Claire: Yes! Oh, good. You got it. You would be surprised how many people get that wrong. It could make you lose your damn mind. Ah! Okay. Here we go. Alright. [Cut to Claire] Oh, so this next question is about consent, actually. Oh, and we have a visual for this one. [Claire shows a photo of a woman. She is wearing a suit.] So, you run into your coworker at the office. Now, is she, A, giving you a seductive look that says, “Hey, come get this.” B, she said ‘no’ before in the past but that little skirt is saying, “Yes, yes, me horny.” Or, C, she is living her live and it has nothing to do with you. [Cut to Claire and Colin Jost] And the answer is?

Colin Jost: I’m gonna say C.

Claire: Yes, leave her alone!

Colin Jost: Okay. I’m sorry, are you mad at me?

Claire: Yeah, I think I am actually. It’s hard to explain. [Cut to Claire] Okay. Um, this is a new one that we need to do now. It’s kind of fun. Okay, ready? When is it okay for an adult to have a sexual relationship with a 14 year old? A, when she’s 14 but she’s smoking a cigarette. B, 14, but it’s Alabama. C, 14, but you are gay now, so hooray, how brave. Or D, 14–

[Cut to Claire and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No, you don’t have to keep going. I’m pretty sure the answer is never.

Claire: Yeah. Yeah. Well, if it’s such an easy question, why does it have to be on the quiz?

[Claire sprays Purel into her mouth]

Colin Jost: Wait! Are you drinking Purel?

Claire: Yeah, yeah. I find that it cleanses me. It gives me a nice buzz to do this. Oh, this is fun. Next one is a prop. You’ll like this. [Claire pulls out a stuffed man doll wearing suit.] So this is you.

Colin Jost: That’s me?

Claire: Well, it’s obvious. When talking to a coworker in the office where should you keep your penis?

Colin Jost: Excuse me?

Claire: Just point on the doll where your penis should be. Remember, there are no wrong answers. Just super wrong answers.

Colin Jost: Okay. I would say just keep it in your pants.

Claire: Yes. Exactly. A penis never needs to be out of your pants at work.

Colin Jost: Is that question really on the quiz? Does that help?

Claire: Yeah, Colin, because come people need it. But not you. You passed.

Colin Jost: Oh, that’s so great.

Claire: Yeah, yeah. But I’m sure I’ll be back next week and the week after that, forever and ever, because this isn’t just a scandal. It didn’t just start this week. It’s actually reality for half of the population.

[Claire sprays Purel into her mouth again]

Colin Jost: Okay. Claire from HR, everybody.

[Claire looks at her phone]

Claire: George, the Takai, no!

Weekend Update on Donald Trump’s Asia Trip

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of calendar marking 11th of November at left top corner.]

Well, it’s veteran’s day and Donald Trump celebrated by finally going to Vietnam. First lady Melania Trump stayed behind in China to visit the Beijing zoo while Trump continued on to Vietnam where he met with Russian president Vladimir Putin in their best Hillary Clinton blouses. During the meeting, Putin denied meddling in the election and Trump said he believes him. But keep in mind, Trump also believed his wife when she said she was staying behind to visit the zoo. That’s my favorite new excuse for when you don’t want to hang out with someone. “Oh, man, I’d love to. But I got zoo stuff.”

During a speech in South Korea, president Trump warned North Korea to not under estimate us and do not try us. Which sounds tough, but then he immediately left the country. It’s like if in Braveheart, [Picture changes to William Wallace from the movie Braveheart] William Wallace ended his speech with, “And they will never take our freedom. Anyway, I gotta run. Zoo stuff. Peace.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Earlier this week, North Korea issued a statement calling president Trump a lunatic old man. And few hours ago, Trump responded by tweeting, “Why would Kim Jong-Un insult me by calling me old, when I would never call him short and fat?” Now, a lot of times Donald Trump goes way over the line with his tweets. But this time, that was pretty damn funny. I mean look at how vein and catty he is. They’re like, “You lunatic old man.” And he’s like, “Old?”

President miss thing also said that this week’s shooting in Texas isn’t a gun situation but a mental health problem at the highest level. But why can’t it be both? I mean, why can’t it be that because we have a mental health problem, we now have a gun situation? Just like how because my little cousin has a crack problem, my aunt now has a missing silverware situation.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of people walking in cold at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: well, it’s a good weekend to stay inside since it’s 20 degrees out and everyone you ever heard of is a sex monster.

[Picture changes to Roy Moore]

Alabama republican senate candidate Roy Moore has been accused of having inappropriate sexual relations when he was in his 30s with several teenage girls. Now, I’m not saying he’s guilty but his naughty little cowboy outfit is screaming it. He looks like a guy who shows up to ‘West world’ and he is like, “Hey, can someone show me where the middle school is? [Michael Che laughing] And how are we still surprised that someone who puts up the ten commandments everywhere doesn’t actually follow them? What’s next? It turns out the guy who always jokes about masturbating wasn’t joking about masturbating? [Picture changes to Louis C.K.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Roy Moore at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Alright.Alabama state auditor Jim Zeigler defended Roy Moore using Mary and Joseph examples saying “Mary was a teenager, Joseph was an adult carpenter. They became parents of Jesus.” Oh, word? So, that’s what you’re going with? Roy Moore was trying to make a Jesus? Okay. So, I guess, R Kelly was just trying to make it rain for 40 days and 40 nights.

Weekend Update on Democrats’ Election Victories

Colin Jost

Micahel Che

Chris Redd

Tiffany Haddish

[Starts with Micahel Che in his news set.]

Micahel Che: Democrats swept Tuesday’s elections in Virginia, New Jersey and New York, which are already blue states. So, it is a small victory for liberals, but a victory nonetheless. Kind of like when you get an Uber and the driver’s a white dude and you are like, “Oh, that’s nice.” You know it’s racist but you don’t know on which side.

[Picture changes to Danica Rome]

Also on Tuesday, Danica Rome became the first transgender candidate to win a seat in Virginia’s house of delegates, defeating Bob Marshal. That’s right. She defeated Bob Marshal who called himself the state’s chief homophobe. And in fact, he’s so homophobic that he refused to get within eight points of her.

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of Mike Pence, Joe Biden and Dick Cheney at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that Mike Pence has formed a vice president’s club with Joe Biden and Dick Cheney routinely calling them for advice. “Well, that sounds like a stupid club,” said Al Gorde to no one. [Picture changes to Al Gorde.]

[Cut to Micahel Che. There’s a picture of Florida map at right top corner.]

Micahel Che: A man in Florida was surprised when his —

[Chris Redd enters]

Chris Redd: Sorry, Michael. Sorry to interrupt, Michael Tiffany had a request. [singing] She’s your queen to be.

[Tiffany Haddish walks in. She’s wearing the same dress she was wearing during her monologue.]

Tiffany Haddish: I told y’all I was gonna wear this dress again. [Tiffany Haddish jumps around and walks away]

Micahel Che: There you have it.

[Cut to Micahel Che. There’s a picture of Shawn Combs at right top corner.]

Colin Jost: It’s a nice dress.

Micahel Che: Shawn Combs announced that he is once again changing his name, this time to ‘Brother Love.’ As in, “Damn, this brother love attention.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of people playing frisbee at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The state of Vermont has officially recognized ultimate frisbee as a high school varsity sport, Dad?

Micahel Che: That was good.

[Picture changes to Hidden Valley 5 liter keg]

Colin Jost: Hidden Valley is now selling 5 liter keg filled with ranch dressing. Though the keg will only be sold in states that allow assisted suicide.

[Cut to Micahel Che. There’s a picture of a sheep at right top corner.]

Micahel Che: A new study finds that the sheep have the ability to recognizes faces. So, remember farmers, always hit it from the back.

[Picture changes to OJ Simpson]

OJ Simpson’s parole– any catch ups to it? OJ Simpson’s parole may be revoked after he was thrown out of a Las Vegas hotel bar after being too drunk and throwing glasses. But come on, give him a break. I mean, you could drink a lot too if your ex-wive was murdered.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a piece of land at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Archaeologists in Egypt have discovered a 2,000 year old gym which featured a work out room, a racetrack and based on my experience in gyms, the ramains of an old man blow drying his testicles.

Michael Che: Where do you workout, man?

Beck and Kyle

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Leslie Jones

Colin Jost

Lorne Michael

Tiffany Haddish

[Starts with Beck Bennett walking in streets]

Beck Bennett narrating: You know, working at SNL can be tough. It’s a lot of pressure, late nights. It’s stressful. But I guess that’s why it was so special I got hired with my best friend.

[Cut to pictures of Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney when they were young.]

Kyle and I met our freshman year in college. We did shows. We made videos. We lived together.

[Cut to videos of them in college years]

It’s been an amazing friendship. I just wish it was still like that.

[Cut to Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney working in SNL studio]

Beck Bennett: hey, bud. Do you want to grab a drink after this?

Kyle Mooney: Oh, I can’t. You know..

Beck Bennett: Yeah, no worries. It’s all good.

Beck Bennett narrating: You know, here at the show, we’ve always stuck together. But things change.

[Cut to Beck Bennett going through the script]

Beck Bennett: Oh, Kyle, what if you played the waiter? [Kyle Mooney doesn’t respond. Beck Bennett turns around. Kyle Mooney is making out with Leslie Jones.]

Leslie Jones: No, he should play the sheriff because he run this town.

Kyle Mooney: Yeah, B, is it cool if I’m a Sheriff?

Beck Bennett: Sure. I’ll just restructure the whole thing.

Kyle Mooney narrating: Of course, Back and I are still close. It’s just Leslie and I have such a deep connection. I mean, we’ve raised a child together.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney and Leslie dropping off their child to college]

Kyle Mooney: Alright but, it looks like you’re all set for college.

[Their child is an adult wearing a wig.]

Child: I love you mom and dad.

Leslie Jones: Oh, we love you too, baby.

Kyle Mooney: Good luck, out there. We did good, baby.

Leslie Jones: Yes, we did.

Kyle Mooney: I love you.

Beck Bennett narrating: I want Kyle to be in a happy relationship. It’s just, I miss him.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney and Leslie being playful during work.]

Kyle Mooney: Stop, baby, what are you dong?

[Beck Bennett is looking at them from far. Colin Jost comes to Beck Bennett.]

Colin Jost: You know, it doesn’t have to be like this, right?

Beck Bennett: What do you mean?

Colin Jost: Ice rink. Midnight. Be there.

[Colin Jost walks out]

[Cut to Beck Bennett and Colin Jost meeting at ice rink]

Beck Bennett: WTF, Jost?

Colin Jost: It’s simple. You want your friend back. I want my girl.

Beck Bennett: What are you suggesting?

Colin Jost: The masquerade ball is tomorrow night. It’s the perfect opportunity for us to both get what we desire.

Beck Bennett: I’m listening.

[Colin Jost starts whispering in Beck Bennett’s ear.]

Beck Bennett narrating: I’m just sorry it had to come to this.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney. He sees a note with his name on it. He reads it.]

[Cut to Leslie Jones. She sees a note with her name on it. She reads it.]

Kyle Mooney: Dearest Kyle…

Kyle Mooney and Leslie Jones: … you have made my life so grand. I’ll be waiting for you…

Kyle Mooney: …with a white rose…

Leslie Jones: …with a red rose in my hand.

Kyle Mooney and Leslie Jones: Meet me at the ball. Love, your best friend.

Leslie Jones: Aw, Kyle.

Kyle Mooney: Aw, Leslie.

Kyle Mooney narrating: This is so something Leslie would do. Tomorrow’s going to be unforgettable.

[Cut to masquerade ball]

Lorne Michael: The masquerade ball is always my favorite time of year. The cast gets to let loose and there is always a random hook up.

Aidy Bryant: Let’s get weird.

[Cut to Leslie Jones looking around for Kyle Mooney]

[Cut to Colin Jost waving at Leslie Jones. Colin Jost is wearing a wig and a mask, and has a red rose to make himself look like Kyle Mooney.]

Leslie Jones: Kyle!

[Cut to Kyle Mooney looking around for Leslie Jones. There is Beck Bennett dressed as a woman holding a white rose an wearing a mask.]

Kyle Mooney: White rose. Leslie. [Kyle Mooney walks near Beck Bennett dressed as Leslie Jones] Leslie, you look beautiful.

[Cut to Leslie Jones dancing with Colin Jost dressed as Kyle Mooney]

Leslie Jones: YOu’re getting so strong. I like it.

Colin Jost: Hmm, well, I’m Kyle.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney and Beck Bennett dressed as Leslie Jones]

Kyle Mooney: Leslie, I want to see your face.

[Cut to Leslie Jones dancing with Colin Jost dressed as Kyle Mooney]

Leslie Jones: You know what? Take off that mask. I wanna kiss my man.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney and Beck Bennett dressed as Leslie Jones. Beck Bennett opens the mask.]

Kyle Mooney: Beck?

Beck Bennett: It was the only way to get through to you. I miss you man.

Kyle Mooney: Wait a sec.

[Kyle Mooney looks around.]

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost dressed as Kyle Mooney. Colin Jost wakes the mask off.]

Leslie Jones: Colin?

Colin Jost: Do I still get that kiss?

Kyle Mooney: You asshole!

[Kyle Mooney runs and beats Colin Jost up.]

Beck Bennett: Kyle, stop! Give your knuckles a rest.

[Beck Bennett starts hitting Colin Jost. Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney look at each other, smile, and start hitting Colin Jost again.]

[Tiffany Haddish walks in]

Tiffany: Everybody, hold up. [to Beck Bennett] You have to put your shoulder into it. [opens her wig and gives it to Beck Bennett] Hold my hair. [Tiffany starts hitting Colin Jost]

[Lorne Michael walks in]

Lorne Michael: Tiffany, no! You’ve got a big show tomorrow night. Let me help.

[Lorne Michael starts hitting Colin Jost]

[Cut to Beck Bennett, Kyle Mooney and Leslie Jones sitting on a couch]

Beck Bennett: I guess we got a little carried away.

Kyle Mooney: But we talked it out and everything’s cool.

Leslie Jones: And… [Leslie Jones pulls Colin Jost. His falls is all bruised.] Colin decided not to press charges. Ain’t that right, Colin?

Colin Jost: Yes.

Weekend Update- Leslie Jones on Baseball

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

George Springer

Jose Altuve

Alex Bregman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, the Houston Astros won the world series in an epic matchup with the Dodgers. Here to talk about it is new baseball fan, Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Leslie Jones: What’s up, Colin?

Colin Jost: How’s it going, Leslie? I didn’t know you were such a big Yankees fan.

Leslie Jones: Yes, I am, you bountiful snowman. For all the wrong reasons. [Cut to Leslie Jones] Okay? I love to see those fine men in their tight little pin stripe pants. You should hear me at the game. Hey, Gary Sanchez, when you going to come hit this [pointing at herself] out the park? Hey, Gregorius, you can round my bases any time because you are greg-gorgeous. I am a die hard fan, Colin. Look at this pic of me at this game. [Cut to a picture of an on-going baseball game] yeah. There is Gary Sanchez at bat, and there is me looking at that ass. [Cut to Leslie Jones] Call me, Gary. That net can’t keep us apart. not for long.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, you must have been pretty upset then when Yankees lost in the ALCS to the Astros.

Leslie Jones: Urgh! Colin! We was so close. One game away from the world series. Colin, have you ever gotten so close to something only to have it taken from you?

Colin Jost: Um, I don’t know.

Leslie Jones: Yeah, that’s coz you white. You get every damn thing. [Cut to Leslie Jones] But I was mad as hell. Okay? That little Altuve hit all those home runs against us. The bat is bigger than him. And the MVP George Springer, he is Panamian and Puerto Rico. His name is George Springer. Come on, man! That’s the name of a goofy mattress salesman.

[George Springer, Jose Altuve and Alex Bregman walk in from the behind]

[Cheers and applause]

George Springer: Excuse me, how is that? What was that? Y’all let me know.

Colin Jost: George Springer, Jose Altuve and Alex Bregman.

Leslie Jones: Whooo! Class the pearl.

George Springer: Well, since we already know that you don’t actually watch baseball, we would really like to give you a gift today.

Leslie Jones: Umm, okay. You can give me anything you want.

Alex Bregman: This is an Astros swag so you can hop on the bang wagon too.

[Alex Bregman gives Leslie Jones Astros jersey.]

Leslie Jones: Oh, whatever. Oh, this is so–

Jose Altuve: [passing Leslie Jones a baseball] How do you like it?

Leslie Jones: Oh, I like balls. [George Springer gives Leslie Jones a baseball cap] I love it. I love it.

Colin Jost: Yeah. It’s funny coz actually Leslie was–

Leslie Jones: [yelling] Shut up, Colin. I know what I said, but these men are fine as hell. I take it all back. Oh, congratulations, you guys. I loved watching you all win.

[cheers and applause]

I thought it was so sweet that Correa proposed to his girlfriend after the game. I mean, it’s so romantic. [looks at Jose Altuve] It looks like this dude is on one knee right now.

George Springer: It’s not Jose’s fault he’s short.

Leslie Jones: Oh, that’s okay. Come here, baby, let me tell you something. [Leslie Jones takes a seat and Jose Altuve sits on Leslie Jones’s laps.] Yeah! Whoo! Now, this is not something I usually say at all, I mean never, but good things do come in small packages.

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones and world champions Houston Astros. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update- Eric and Donald Trump Jr. on Paul Manafort

Colin Jost

Eric… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week saw the first arrest in Robert Mueller’s Russia investigation. Here to comment on the situation, our first sons Eric and Donald Trump Jr.

[Eric and Donald Trump Jr. slide in]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump Jr.: Thanks for having us.

Eric: You’re welcome.

Donald Trump Jr.: I was talking to Colin, buddy. We’re his gusts, right? [Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.. Eric is trying to copy Donald Trump Jr.’s gestures.] Colin, we’d like to make it very clear that our father did nothing wrong. Some people who barely worked for him did, but dad knew nothing about it. And the same goes for Eric and myself.

[Cut to all]

Colin Jost: Yeah. Well, I definitely believe you that Eric hd no idea what was going on.

[Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Exactly. And look, Paul Manafort and Rick Gates, we barely knew these guys. And as for the last guy, George–

Eric: Doctor Octopus.

Donald Trump Jr.: No, buddy. It’s not George Doctor Octopus. It’s George Papadopoulos.

Eric: George–

Donald Trump Jr.: Papadopoulos.

Eric: Papa–

Donald Trump Jr.: –dopoulos.

[Eric is confused]

Alright. Anywy, Papadopoulos was a pity hire, Colin. He got coffee. He was a glorified intern.

Eric: He was my boss.

Donald Trump Jr.: No, he wasn’t your boss.

[Cut to all]

Colin Jost: So, you guys are not worried about this Mueller investigation?

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. Who Robert Mueller should be investigating, Colin, is Hillary Clinton. [Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.] As we learn from Donald Brazilee, Crooked Hillary and company did some shady back room deals with the Russians. And tried to rig the election in her favor.

Eric: Just like dad.

Donald Trump Jr.: Alright! Eric, you want to play with your Halloween candy and eat some of that, bud?

[Donald Trump Jr. gives Eric a bucket of Halloween candies]

Eric: Um, I already had my three pieces today.

Donald Trump Jr.: Oh, that’s okay. It’s a special occasion.

Eric: Okay.

Donald Trump Jr.: Colin, the bottomline is this. Nobody in my father’s inner circle– [Eric starts sucking on a sugar stick] Eric, what are you doing, buddy? It’s fun dip, man. There is sugar in there.

Eric: Where?

Donald Trump Jr.: You dip the stick in the sugar. See? There is like, a whole thing of sugar in there. You don’t just lick the stick, dude.

Eric: In there?

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. Dip it in. Alright look.

[Eric dips in and looks at Donald Trump Jr.. Eric tastes it and is very happy.]

Right? Look, everything our father has done and our family has done is completely above board. And now, we’d like to focus, Colin– [Donald Trump Jr. looks at Eric dipping and eating too much] It’s good, right? Not too much. You’re going to be up late, buddy. We would like to focus on important thing like brand-new deals with Trump Organization and getting a little bro time like the hunting trip we took last week.

Eric: I shot a deer.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. You sure did. You wanna show Colin the deer you shot, buddy?

Eric: Uh-huh.

[Eric shows a sign board with deer’s picture on it. There’s a bullet hole on it.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Look at that. Right here. Right in the G, buddy. Proud of you. Can you believe this guy? So good with a gun.

[Cut to all]

Colin Jost: I cannot. Eric and Donald Trump Jr., everyone.

Weekend Update- Angel

Michel Che

Angel… Heidi Gardner

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michel Che in his set]

Michel Che: There has been a lot of serious stories this week, but here with Weekend Update’s good news report is every boxer’s girlfriend from every movie about boxing ever, please welcome Angel.

[Angel slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Angel: [cracking voice] Hey, Michael.

Michel Che: Hey, Angel. So, how was your week?

Angel: You know. I’m okay. I’m hanging in there.

Michel Che: So, I hear you got some good news for us?

Angel: Well, you know, Tommy is fighting tonight. So, I’ve been better.

Michel Che: Well, I hope he wins.

[Cut to Angel]

Angel: Yeah. Well, I hope he stays alive to see our kids grow up. So, how many more hits till it’s enough?

[Cut to Michel Che and Angel]

Michel Che: Are you going to the fight, at least?

Angel: No. No. [Cut to Angel] I told him if he fights again, I’m taking the kids to my sister’s. So that’s where I’ll be. You know now. And Colin ,I want you to know too, we’ll be at my sister’s.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Michel Che and Angel. Colin Jost is holding a coffee mug.]

Colin Jost: Okay.

Michel Che: You know what, you are here to talk about news. So, let’s do that. Holiday spending is expected to be up this year.

Angel: [upset voice] Oh, come on.

Michel Che: Oh, did I say something?

[Cut to Angel]

Angel: You know, I- I- I’ve been here before with you, holiday spending a lot, okay? Ya, up and we’re happy and things were good. And then, boom, you’re down. Okay? And I can’t watch that. [Cut to Michel Che and Angel. Michel Che is confused.] I know I worked in a lot of bars in my life. But I deserve to be happy for my kids, Mikey, Nikki and Peppers. [Cut to Angel] So, if you’re going to do this holiday spending, I’m taking the kids to my sisters.

[Cut to Michel Che and Angel]

Michel Che: Okay.

Angel: Do you hear me?

Michel Che: Yeah. I know.

Angel: Does Colin know? Colin, we’ll be at my sister’s.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And I’m aware. Yeah, thank you.

[Cut to Michel Che and Angel]

Michel Che: Let’s move on to some good news. Apple predicts its release of their new iPhone X will be their biggest of all time.

Angel: [upset voice] Okay.

Michel Che: Oh, no. Alright.

Angel: You know what? When is gonna stop? Every year? A new iPhone? [Cut to Angel] And you know what? They tell me it’s different this time. But you know what? I don’t give up on my old iPhone after a year. You think– you think you are the fighter? I’m the fighter. I’ve still got my 4S. Yeah, that’s right. That’s right.

[Cut to Michel Che and Angel]

Michel Che: You should really get a new phone.

Angel: Yeah, yeah. What kind of woman would I be if I did that? Okay? You know where I’m going to be the day the phone comes out?

Michel Che: Yeah. At your sister’s.

Angel: At my sister’s. Yes. With my kids, yes. Colin, did you hear that?

[Cut to Colin Jost, Michel Che and Angel]

Colin Jost: I can hear everything you are saying. Yes.

Michel Che: He’s right here. Well, we all heard you, Angel. Let’s talk about something happy. The snoopy balloon will be returning for the Macy’s Thanksgiving day parade.

[Cut to Angel]

Angel: [upset voice] Oh, come on, Snoopy, you’re 60 years old. Alright? I can’t take it. You can’t take it. You know how many men it takes to hold you up? You are done. You’re a broken down piece of rubber. Alright? And if you think for a second that I’m taking my kids to that parade and not my sister’s, you got another thing coming, Michael. Okay?

[Cut to Michel Che and Angel]

Michel Che: No. I hear you, Angel. Just out of curiosity, where are you kids now?

Angel: At my sister’s.

Michel Che: Right! Every boxer’s girlfriend, everybody.

Angel: I’m the fighter. I’m the fighter.

Weekend Update on Paul Manafort’s Indictment

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Thank you.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, it’s almost the one year anniversary of Donald Trump getting elected president. And to celebrate, Robert Mueller threw him a surprise party. [Picture changes to an article saying ‘Trump associates indicted’] After the indictment, [Picture changes to Paul Manafort] a former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort who also played shooter McGavin in ‘Happy Gilmore’, it was reported that Manafort has three US passports and traveled to Mexico, China and Ecuador with a phone he registered using an alias. So, I don’t know what he is guilty of, but it’s definitely not nothing. No one has three passports, a burner phone and good intentions. Except, maybe Santa Claus.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s tweet at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump lashed out on Twitter about the indictments from the Russia probe and the unfair news coverage probably and I’m sure he brought up the crooked Hillary again. Look, I gotta be honest, I can’t read anymore of this guy’s tweets. I’m tired of watching the president of the United States having emotional breakdown on social media like he’s Tyrese. [Picture changes to Tyrese Gibson’s emotional breakdown video] It’s embarrassing. Look, if you wanna live tweet Morning Joe or Cup Cake Wars or whatever else you watch, fine. But indictments are important. And you work for us. So go put on your baggy suit, your clip on tie and fold your hair up nice and answer all of our questions face to face like the public servant that you are. Okay? I mean, what are you doing on Twitter? We shouldn’t have to wonder if our president is communicating with us from his toilet.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In response to the terrorist attacks this week in Manhattan, president Trump has promised to end ‘The diversity immigrant visa lottery,’ which by the way was named in order to make Fox News viewers heads explode. Obviously, this attack was awful but I’m not sure we should get rid of an entire immigration program based on the actions of one deranged individual. I mean, we don’t look at Trump and say, “We should get rid of all presidents.”

[Picture changes to Paul Ryan]

Republicans also– [cheers and applause] Thank you. Republicans also released their tax plan this week, which explains why Paul Ryan has been rock hard since Thursday. Ryan said that under the new tax plan, a family of four would save over $1,000 while this family [picture changes to Donald Trump’s family picture] would save like, a billion.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Paul Ryan at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Paul Ryan said the new tax plan would make filing taxes so simple that people can do their taxes on a postcard. I don’t want simple taxes because it probably means I will have to pay exactly what I owe. I want complicated as hell taxes on a bunch of different papers with a bunch of questions so I can lie. When somebody tells you, “Hey, I got a great tax guy”, they don’t mean he’s gonna make taxes very simple. They mean, “You are about to claim your fleshlight as a dependent.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Advisors who are planning president Trump’s trip to Asia have warned officials in each country that Trump is not comfortable with new cuisines and prefers familiar foods like well done steak and ice cream. And they’d also like easier maxes on his place mat. Now, I don’t know if this trip is going to be good for international relations. But it’s definitely going to be great for comedy. Coz, we’re sending this guy to Asia.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech video]

Donald Trump: Bing bing, bong bong.

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I mean, what could go wrong?

Weekend Update on American Airlines’ Racial Bias

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of American Airlines logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The CEO of American Airlines met with the head of the NAACP over allegation has the airline is racially biased. And I bet they both showed up late. It’s okay for me to make that joke because I’m racist. [audience laughing] You know, of all the stereotypes about black people, I have never heard that we are bad on planes. Now, if you said the NAACP had a meeting with the CEO of Lowe’s movie theaters, yeah, that tracks. But black people are awesome on planes. We always have our headphones. We always wear socks. We never talk to strangers unless we are telling you to shut that baby up. The real people you need to worry about on planes are white women named Gail who claps when plane lands.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of MTV Floribama Shore logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: MTV has launced a spin-off of it’s hit ‘Jersey Shore’ series set on the coast of Alabama and Florida called ‘Floribama Shore’, where the cast members can contract Gonnormidia.

[Picture changes to a Halloween candy basket.]

A mom in Wisconsin told police that she found a pack of meth in her child’s halloween candy right after police asked her why she was raking the leaves naked at midnight.