Tag: Colin Jost

Weekend Update- Theresa May

Colin Jost

Theresa May… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The British parliament erupted anger this week after president Trump retweeted anti-Muslim videos from a British hate group. Here to respond is British prime minister, Theresa May.

[Theresa May slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Theresa May: Yes. Hello, Colin. It’s lovely to be here. The United Kingdom sends it’s appreciation for a special friendship that we share.

Colin Jost: Really? Coz things seem to be a little tense right now between you and president Trump.

Theresa May: Um-hmm. But, you know the Brits. [Cut to Theresa May] Stiff upper lip. Then when dealing with Trump, it’s a kin to stiff upper lip, stiff lower lip, stiff neck, arms, legs and you’re pretty much playing dead. But the British people know I can give it as good as I get it. I’m not afraid of a little social media fisty caps.

[Cut to Theresa May and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. You and president. I saw you really got into it on Twitter.

Theresa May: Yes. And I’ve never felt more live. [Cut to Theresa May] I saw Trump’s offensive re-tweets and I’ve put that man on blast. Listen to this epic takedown. [clears her throat] “It is wrong for the president to have done this.” Savage! Flame emoji. I am practically a troll now.

[Cut to Theresa May and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Right. Right. And then Trump tweeted back at you and told you to back off.

Theresa May: Yes. But the bitch tagged the wrong Theresa May. It’s internet 101 baby. [Cut to Theresa May] Umm. It’s thrilling to engage in a flame war. To dunk on a thirsty bitch. It’s electric. I am hard. I am actually hard.

[Cut to Theresa May and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow. Yeah. This is a whole new Theresa May.

Theresa May: Yes. I’m on a road now, daddy. [Cut to Theresa May] Who else wants to go a few rounds with Theresa Mayweather? Kim Jung-Un? Oh, take this tweet. “Mr. Kim Jung-Uh. Good sir. Do grow up. #Please”

Colin Jost: It’s pretty good.

Theresa May: Talk about getting owned. And hey, Vladimir Putin. Just this. [side eye emoji appears at the bottom of the screen] The side eye emoji. He knows what it means. It’s cold sheet, Colin. He’ll be freaking, I’ll show you, and then I’ll follow it up with a very threatening eggplant.

[Cut to Theresa May and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Do you know what that means?

Theresa May: Yes. Eat your vegetables. You hear that? How do you like us now? [Cut to Theresa May] Britain is back, baby! Theresa may be strong and beloved by all. I’m going full Trump and even my own people aren’t safe. Look at this threat I wrote on prince Harry. “Congratulations, Prince Harry, on your upcoming nuptials. (1/4)” “But check it. She outcho league (2/4)” “You look like Ed Sheeran minus the abilities (3/4)” “Nevertheless, would bang (4/4)”

[Cut to Colin Jost and Theresa May]

Colin Jost: Theresa May, everyone!

Weekend Update- The Duncans on the Kama Sutra

Michael Che

Greg Duncan… Mikey Day

Shelly Duncan… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Experts are now saying that one of the keys to a long healthy marriage is to make sure a couples keep their sex lives fresh and exciting. Here to share their experience with the Kama Sutra is a mad couple who tried every position in the book, the Duncans.

[Greg Duncan and Shelly Duncan slide in. Greg Duncan has black eye, face bruises and swollen lips. He is also wearing the neck support.]

Greg Duncan: Hello, Michael.

Shelly Duncan: Thank you for having us.

Greg Duncan: Thank you.

Michael Che: So, you two really tried every position in the Kama Sutra?

Greg Duncan: Um-hmm.

Shelly Duncan: Oh boy, I’m blushing, but yes. I have to say it really spiced things up. I’m more attracted to Greg than ever.

Greg Duncan: Oh, and the doctors say I will make a full recovery. But Michael, before couples attempt the Kama Sutra, they need to make sure they’re on the same page.

Michael Che: Oh, right. Like discuss what they’re both comfortable with.

Greg Duncan: Um-hmm. Yes. But also that they’re on the same page of the actual book. My wife like to skip ahead

Shelly Duncan: What? I got excited.

Greg Duncan: Yeah. At one point I was on page six trying a position called “beginner’s blossom”, but she had skipped ahead to– what was the name of it?

Shelly Duncan: Broken donkey.

Greg Duncan: Broken donkey. And in that one, I was the broken donkey. You’re shy. She’s shy.

Shelly Duncan: But we were so inspired by the book that we came up with some new positions all on our own. And we think that other couples might enjoy them.

Greg Duncan: Yes. Um, now, this one, Shelly enjoyed quite a bit. But it wasn’t my favorite. [Greg Duncan shows a picture of sex position] It’s called “You’re a chair now.” As you can see, the blue is the male and the pink is the female. She is a shy one today.

Shelly Duncan: I’m too shy to go into details but ladies, this one hits all the right spots.

Greg Duncan: Yeah. And all honesty, I had passed out during this one. Um, but Shelly tells me that I loved it. But gentlemen, if you do attempt “You’re a chair now”, insist your wife is barefoot and not wearing her sexy high heels.

Shelly Duncan: Oh, you love high heels.

Greg Duncan: I do love them.

Michael Che: Yes. That looks very painful. You’re a brave man.

Greg Duncan: Well, I have no choice. Another one of Shelly’s creations, she calls it “You my basketball”. [Greg Duncan shows a picture of sex position] It’s exactly what it sounds like.

Shelly Duncan: And ladies, word to the wise, use two hands if you want to dribble your husband.

Greg Duncan: Yes. Absolutely. Or, don’t dribble your husband. It’s up to you. Now, this next position is named after what my wife said while we were doing it.

Shelly Duncan: “Stop whining sandwich boy!”

Greg Duncan: She did her voice. That’s what she does in the bedroom. So the male is the meat and the mattress and the bed spring or in our case, a mattress and wooden bed slats are the bread.

Michael Che: Yeah. It sounds like Shelly made up most of the positions, Greg. Did you come up with any for yourself?

Greg Duncan: I did. This was my favorite. I called this one “Where are you hiding? I’m not done.” Again, based on what my wife was saying.

Shelly Duncan: I did not say that.

Greg Duncan: You did. You get in the zone. You don’t know what you’re saying.

Michael Che: Well, thank you guys for coming. Any final tips for our viewers?

Shelly Duncan: Yes. Be creative. Be open. And stretch.

Greg Duncan: Yes. And also, make sure your insurance plan covers something called consensual intimate trauma.

Michael Che: The Duncans, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update on the GOP Tax Plan

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, good news for president Trump is that his tax plan just passed the senate. The bad news is he might not be president long enough to sign it. Former national security advisor Michael Flynn pled guilty to charges that he lied to the FBI during their investigation of Trump’s ties to Russia. Or as FOX News reported it, [Cut to FOX News article] “Did Hillary Clinton secretly join ISIS?” These days, I have to say it’s just refreshing to see a powerful man pled guilty for something that isn’t sexual harassment. When I heard Flynn was in trouble, I was like, “Wait, he only lied to the FBI? He didn’t also whip it out during a meeting? What a solid guy!”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Michael Flynn at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President knew he had a show tonight, so he was kind enough to go on Twitter and do half of our jobs for us. He said, “I had to fire General Flynn because he lied to the Vice President and the FBI.” Ah, thanks man. I got it from here. So, you knew Flynn lied and then asked Comey to stop his investigation? That’s obstruction. Who is your lawyer? [Ppcture changes to Ty Cobb] Oh, right, the oatmeal guy. You know, the crazy thing is as bad as this looks, this is still Donald Trump we’re talking about. And I’ve heard people say, “Oh, there’s no way Trump walks from this one”, at least 38 times already. But this slippery bastard is still the president somehow. I mean, what else does FBI need? They have a 95% conviction rate, a high ranking snitch and a confessional Twitter. So if this next Donald Trump isn’t in prison corn rolling some brother named ‘Lunch meat’s hair’, then dammit, I want the oatmeal guy as my lawyer too.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of James Comey at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After news of Flynn’s pled, former director of FBI James Comey tweeted a biblical verse saying, “But let justice roll down like waters and righteousness like an ever-flowing stream”. It’s a powerful reminder that no matter what you think about James Comey, we can all agree that he’s a humongous dork. Also, his use of the phrase ‘ever-flowing stream’ makes me think he has seen that Russian P-tape.

[Picture changes to the senate meeting]

The senate also voted to pass a $1.5 trillion tax reform bill early this morning, that experts say would add over $1 trillion to the national debt. Wow, I knew Trump was gonna run the country like a business, I just didn’t know he was gonna run it like one of his businesses. Experts also say that the plan will give huge tax cuts to households making over $1 million a year. Of course, all that money will eventually trickle down. First from rich parents to their kids. And then from those kids to their molly dealers at Coachella.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: You know, once republicans get this tax bill passed, they won’t need Donald Trump anymore. I mean, they already got what they wanted. I mean, it’s like– it’s not like they like you. Don’t you think it’s a little odd that they passed this bill at 2 AM without reading it the same night they found out Flynn was snitching on you? They know something. It’s like a family showing up to your hospital room saying, “Look, you need to sign this will tonight.” “Can I read it first?” “No time.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Joe Scarborough at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Trump also hinted in a tweet this week that MSNBC anchor Joe Scarborough should be investigate for unsolved murder. Could we just take a second to appreciate that that story barely even registered as news? I mean that any other time in history, the headline ‘President openly accuses a man of murder’ would probably make the front page. Now, it’s just part of a [Picture changes to newspaper articles] Wacky News Corner right next to Local Squirrel Learns Karate and North Korea Can Now Nuke All of US.

[Picture changes to YouTube logo]

YouTube has removed more than 150,000 videos due to disturbing content involving children. But if you still wanna watch disturbing content involving children, there’s always the Alabama Senate Race. [Picture changes to Roy Moore]

[Picture changes to Chuck Schumer and Doug Jones]

Oh, yeah. Trump criticizes Roy Moore’s democratic opponent Doug Jones as a Chuck Schumer puppet. [Picture changes to Chuck Schumer and Statler from muppets.] But clearly, he’s not a Chuck Schumer puppet. Statler from the Muppets. That’s the Chuck Schumer puppet.

Weekend Update on Eli Manning Being Benched

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Eli Manning at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The New York Giants announced that they were going to bench quarterback Eli Manning for the first time in 13 years. So, if you see Eli Manning looking sad, that’s just how he always looks.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an office at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new survey finds that four out of five Americans believe that sexual harassment is happening in the workplace, while one out of five couldn’t respond because their boss’s penis was blocking the keyboard.

[Picture changes to three men]

Oh, and I almost forgot about this week’s bachelor predators. It’s just a whole segment of the news now. I just gotta announce the names every week like power ball numbers.

[Picture changes to Rockefeller Center Christmas tree]

On Wednesday, the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree was lit, and so was Ann Curry. [Picture changes to Ann Curry and Matt Lauer]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Matt Lauer at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to new allegations against Matt Lauer, the former Today show host gave a female colleague a sex toy as a gift which is a bad thing. So I guess that means I should return the secret Santa gift I got for Colin. [Picture changes to a wrapped gift, but we can see it’s a dildo.] It’s double sided.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jay Z and Beyoncé at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: [laughing] Okay, don’t! Don’t you pull both sides. Okay. In a new interview, Jay Z admitted that he cheated on Beyoncé. Yeah, man. We know. [Picture changes to a shot from Beyoncé’s music video ‘Lemonade’.]

[Picture changes to statue of Robert E Lee]

A historian at Virginia believes that confederate statue of Robert E Lee may have a time capsule in it containing an extremely rare photo of Lincoln lying in his coffin. [Picture changes to a movie poster] Starring Nicholas Cage.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a dog and a cat at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to a new study, dogs are smarter than cats. But I don’t know. I never heard of a cat falling for the peanut butter trick.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of ‘Afterglow’ poster at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A special performance of the off broadway show ‘Afterglow’ is being held this Sunday in which all the performers and the audience will be naked. It’s the play critics are calling, “Maybe not right now?”

Weekend Update- Pete Davidson on Staten Island

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, this year 47 million people will travel home to get home for thanksgiving. Here with his thoughts on going home for the holiday is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Yeah. Hello. Hey, Colin. What up?

Colin Jost: Hello, Pete. Now, you and I are both from Staten Island. And, do you plan on going home for thanksgiving?

Pete Davidson: No. I don’t. [Cut to Pete Davidson] It’s not that I don’t love my family. I do. But, at this point, thanksgiving dinner is just a bunch of people asking me what Kate McKinnon is like. And I honestly don’t know. She never talks to me. Plus, I feel like my hometown doesn’t really like me either.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Why wouldn’t they like you? Everyone there is so nice.

Pete Davidson: Of course, you say that. You’re like the most popular person from there. This is how they write about Colin in our hometown newspaper, the Staten Island Advance. [Cut to a newspaper article.] “Colin Jost tees up. It’s about three weeks ’til election, but you could never tell by Colin Jost’s swing.” [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] And here is how they write about me. This is a review of a Weekend Update appearance I did. [Cut to a newspaper article.] “The best part about this one was his interaction with Colin Jost.” [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] No, seriously, it’s crazy. And look at the picture they use of you. [Cut to a picture of Colin Jost in a golf coarse.] Now look at the picture they use of me. [Cut to a picture of Pete Davidson drinking beer in a messy room.]

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: [laughing] Well, why do you think they don’t like you, Pete?

Pete Davidson: I have no idea. I mean, if I had to guess, it’s maybe something I said in an interview once, that I wished that when Hurricane Sandy hits Staten Island, it had ‘finished the job.’

Colin Jost: Yeah. I remember that one.

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

Pete Davidson: You know, maybe I did cross the line. But when a reporter from Staten Island wrote about it in the post, here’s what he said, [Cut to a newspaper article.] “Keep talking like that and you will be sleeping with the fishes.” [Cut to Pete Davidson] That’s a death threat. In a newspaper! Who does that? What are you? The zodiac? And then he said … [Cut to a newspaper article.] “Try taking a cue from your fellow ‘SNL’ cast member Colin Jost. He’s also way better looking than you.”

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, I can see how what you said might make you more unpopular.

Pete Davidson: Well, it was just a joke. A serious joke. You know, like, when you are joking but you mean it? [Cut to Pete Davidson] But I don’t even feel that way anymore. I would be just as happy if there was no hurricane and Staten Island just fell into the sea.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay. [Colin Jost and Pete Davidson laughing] Take it easy.

Pete Davidson: No, seriously though. [Cut to Pete Davidson] No, if Staten Island– [Michael Che laughing hard] If Staten Island is so desirable, then why is it free to get there? And, no, don’t get me wrong. I know Staten Island isn’t all heroin and racist cops. You know? It also has meth and racist firefighters.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

[Michael Che laughing hard]

Colin Jost: I just want to say, what you’re describing is not the Staten Island I know, Pete.

Pete Davidson: Well, coz they love you. You know? Like, you represent what they could be. You know, a kid who got out, he went to Harvard and is now apparently according to ‘People Magazine’ is the world’s sexiest joke writer. [Cut to People Magazine’s Colin Jost page.] [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] And look, the reason that Staten Island hates me is because I represent what they are. [Cut to Pete Davidson] You know. A mentally ill community college dropout who got a ‘Game of Thrones’ tattoo before watching the show. [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost. Colin Jost is laughing hard.] Dire-wolves look dope! I don’t even know what’s going on. But hey, congrats on that sexiest thing by the way. [audience whooping] [to audience] Relax, okay? Let’s be honest, the sexiest joke writer is a really specific category. Yeah. It’s like being the world’s smartest horse. [Michael Che laughing hard]

Colin Jost: So, I take you’re not going home for thanksgiving?

Pete Davidson: No, I am.

[Everyone laughing]

Colin Jost: Okay. Pete Davidson, everyone.

Pete Davidson: What did I say?

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight!

Weekend Update- Jeff Sessions

Colin Jost

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week attorney general Jeff Sessions testified before house judiciary committee over Trump campaign’s contact with Russia. Here to comment is Jeff Sessions.

[Jeff Sessions slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Jeff Sessions: Hello. Hot potato! Good to see you, Colin.

Colin Jost: Good to see you, Jeff.

Jeff Sessions: When I say ‘I do not”, you say ‘Recall’. I do not–

Audience: Recall.

Jeff Sessions: I do not.

Audience: Recall.

Jeff Sessions: Ha! Thank you.

Colin Jost: That’s great.

Jeff Sessions: Now, that’s a recall and response, Colin. My catch phrase.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Yeah. I noticed you said that a lot during testimony. Do you really not remember meeting with George Papadopoulos about Russia?

Jeff Sessions: Well, you know, Colin, I’ve actually had some memory problems stemming from a childhood trauma.

Colin Jost: A childhood trauma? What was that?

[Cut to Jeff Sessions]

Jeff Sessions: Oh, the passing of the civil rights act.

[Cut to Jeff Sessions and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Alright. I’m gonna ask you some questions now, attorney general Sessions. I’m asking questions. Do you think you can answer then truthfully?

Jeff Sessions: Yeb.

Colin Jost: Did you just say yeb?

Jeff Sessions: Nobe.

Colin Jost: Did you meet any Trump surrogates with Russia?

Jeff Sessions: I do not recall. [whispering] You know I recall.

Colin Jost: Do you remember Mr. Papadopoulos mentioning the Russian government?

Jeff Sessions: Um, I do not remember him talking about Russia. [whispering] I remember everything.

Colin Jost: And you’re under pressure from president Trump to investigate the Clinton foundation. Do you think you’ll investigate.

Jeff Sessions: Well, actually, I do not believe that there is enough evidence at this time. [whispering] We’re definitely gonna do it.

Colin Jost: Okay. At some point, you actually have to stop lying because you are under oath. You know? I mean, you could go to jail. [Jeff Sessions stops moving] Mr. Sessions? Mr. Sessions, are you playing dead?

[Jeff Sessions has a tail. His tail is carrying a board that says “Yes”.]

Jeff Sessions: Oh, tail. That’s my possum tail. You ratted me out again. Get down, tail! He’s crazy but he’s family.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, with all this going on, I’m sure you are looking forward to thanksgiving?

Jeff Sessions: Absolutely, my cousin Linda from the possum side of the family just had a litter of nine babies. They are so cute. Oh, man, you could just eat them up. And we’re gonna et at least four of them. We go overboard on the holidays, Colin.

Colin Jost: Well, thank you very much for coming by, Mr. Sessions.

Jeff Sessions: Well, thank you for having me so much. And in collusion, happy thanksgiving, everybody.

Colin Jost: Jeff sessions, everyone.

Jeff Sessions: I do not recall!

Weekend Update on Senator Al Franken

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of thanksgiving turkey at left top corner.]

Thursday is thanksgiving and there is so much to be thankful for this year. Unless you are a human woman. [Picture changes to Donald Trump, Bill Cosby, Louis C. K, Al Franken and Roy Moore]

[Picture changes to Al Franken and Leeann Tweeden when she was a kid.]

Senator Al Franken is being accused  of sexual misconduct on a 2006 USO tour by Leeann Tweeden who posted this photo of Franken apparently groping her breasts while she was asleep. Now, I looked this photo. I know this photo looks bad. But remember, it also is bad. And sure, this was taken before Franken ran for public office, but it was also taken after he was a sophomore in high school. It’s pretty hard to be like, “Oh, come on. He didn’t know any better. He was only 55.

[Picture changes to Tweeden]

Tweened is also claiming that Franken has forced her to kiss him as a part of a rehearsal for a comedy sketch they were performing for the troops. Come on, man. Didn’t the troops in Afghanistan have it hard enough without having to sit through sketch comedy? I mean, people can barely stay up to watch sketches after Weekend Update.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Al Franken at right top corner.]

Michael Che: And without even looking, you can bet that president Trump called out Franken and not Roy Moore who is accused of way worse by the way. But Franken is a liberal and Trump in more conservatives. And in this country, everybody has to pick a side except for me. I think they are all bitches. I don’t even know what side I would be on if I had to pick. I mean, maybe I’m a liberal because I live in a gay neighborhood. But then, maybe I’m conservative, because I’ll never want to live in a black neighborhood again. Also, why are republicans trying so hard to protect Roy Moore from this case? It’s not like he wrote the remix to Ignition. [Picture changes to R. Kelly]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jeremy Piven at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: More than a dozen women have now accused actor Jeremy Piven of sexual assault spanning more than 30 years. The allegations were revealed int hte shocking documentary “Entourage.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of House of Republicans at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week, house of republicans passed a tax reform bill. Republicans claim the bill cuts taxes for everyone, from multibillionaires all the way down to regular old millionaires. Like, Colin. The bill relies heavily on trickle down economics, but don’t worry, it’s only called a trickle. You’re actually getting hosed. How do poor people keep getting catfished into voting republicans? It’s like watching Forest Gump keep getting ditched by Jenny over and over again.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Paul Ryan at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Paul Ryan also said the tax plan will increase take-home pay, grow the economy and sustain long-term opportunities. Increase, grow and sustain. Where have I seen those words before? Oh, I know, on those sex pills at the Deli counter. We already tried this tax plan in the 80s and it didn’t work. Just like I tried those sex pills at the Deli and now I have to wear fake eyebrows.

Weekend Update on a Cheating Scrabble Player

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set.]

Colin Jost: The association of the British Scrabble players has banned a star player for three years after he was caught cheating. In response, the player has released this statement.

[Picture changes to a scrabble board game with ‘Fuck You’ written on it.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a man’s face at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A man in Arizona is claiming that he can relieve sinus pressure in his nose by masturbating. He first made the claim while police were removing him from the bus.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of ‘Harry Potter’ logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The makers of Pokemon Go are now developing a similar game based on the world of Harry Potter. The game will be called “Harry Potter and the Kids Who Wandered Into Oncoming Traffic.”

Weekend Update Dog Clone

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a dog at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A company in Texas is offering a service that will allow people to make an identical clone of their dog for $50,000. That story again, for $50,000, a company in Texas will sell you a different golden Retriever.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Roger Goodell at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is reportedly seeking a contract extension that would provide him with a salary of $50 million, use of a private jet, and lifetime health insurance for him and his family. That’s how expensive healthcare is. He is going to make $50 million a year and he’s still like, “What about the healthcare, though?”

[Picture changes to a man with very long mustache]

A man in India has set a new world record for longest mustache, growing it out to over 18 feet. It’s all part of his plan to someday die on an escalator.

[Picture changes to Prince Willian and Prince Harry]

It was reported that Prince William and Prince Harry will make cameos in the new Star Wars movie as storm troopers. Even more surprising, the whole time it’s been Queen Elizabeth inside C3-PO.

Weekend Update Bruce Chandling

Michael Che

Bruce Chandling… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Thanksgiving is next week and here with his unique take on the holiday is veteran stand-up comic. You know, he helped me out a lot when I first started. Please welcome, Bruce Chandling.

[Bruce Chandling slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Bruce Chandling: Oh, hey, hey!

Michael Che: How are you?

Bruce Chandling: Hey, Michael. Good to be here. [delivering bad punch line] Now, where is the food, dude?

Michael Che: Um, Bruce, as you know, thanksgiving isn’t until next Thursday.

Bruce Chandling: No, I know. I’m just– I’m very hungry. We gotta love thanksgiving, right? I love the story of thanksgiving. Pilgrims come to America. [Cut to Bruce Chandling] They are on this big boat. But it’s not an easy journey. They gotta deal with the cold weather, cramped quarters, people getting sick, and worst of all, [delivering bad punch line] bad satellite reception when they are trying to watch the big game.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: I’m sorry, you think that pilgrims had TV but with bad reception?

Bruce Chandling: Exactly. The star of the show is the big meal, right? Coz I’m the corn on the cob guy. You heard about this? [Michael Che shakes his head no] [Cut to Bruce Chandling]You’ve seen this? You know, I can’t get enough of the stuff. But the Indians, they don’t call it corn. They call it maize. [delivering bad punch line] As in, maize i have a second helping?

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: Oh, Bruce, man, I don’t like that one at all.

Bruce Chandling: Hey, what’s the matter, Michael? [delivering bad punch line] Too corny?

Michael Che: Hey, please stop.

Bruce Chandling: Hey, just 45 minutes left. By the way, you know, thanks for helping out a fellow comic. It really means a lot to me.

Michael Che: I think we’re pretty different, actually.

Bruce Chandling: No. Of course, the day after thanksgiving, they got Black Friday. Heard about this one? Seen this?

Michael Che: Yeah, I’ve hear of it.

Bruce Chandling: It’s where you got all the deals at the mini mall.

Michael Che: Mini mall?

[Cut to Bruce Chandling]

Bruce Chandling: Ay, the Mini mall. Personally, I think they should change the name from Black Friday to Black and Blue Friday. [delivering bad punch line] Because that’s how you are going to look if you get between me and the hottest toy.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: Bruce, you’re not actually fighting people for toys, are you?

Bruce Chandling: Don’t worry, Michael. I ain’t. [Cut to Bruce Chandling] [being emotional] I mean, even if I got the toy, I wouldn’t have anyone special to give it to. I always wanted to have a little Bruce, you know? But I can’t. Because my body don’t work that way.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: Hey, I’m sorry about that, Bruce.

Bruce Chandling: IT’s probably for the best.

Michael Che: Don’t say that.

Bruce Chandling: I wouldn’t even be able to take care of him. I can’t get a job. Don’t even know how to write cursive.

Michael Che: I don’t think you need to know cursive to get a job.

Bruce Chandling: The problem is, I don’t know non-cursive either.

Michael Che: Oh, yeah, Bruce, seems like you’re having a rough time. You know what? Why don’t you come over and celebrate thanksgiving with me and my family. How about that?

Bruce Chandling: Hmm. I guess. [Cut to Bruce Chandling] You know what they say…

Michael Che: Oh, dude!

Bruce Chandling: [delivering bad punch line] Where’s the food, dude?

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: That was the worst one yet. Bruce Chandling, everybody.

Bruce Chandling: Hey, still got 42 minutes left.

Michael Che: No. You’re done.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I think he’s getting better.