Tag: Colin Jost

Weekend Update- Aidy Bryant

Colin Jost

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin JostColin Jost: It was reported this week that Mark Wahlberg was paid $1.5 million for the reshoots of the movie ‘All The Money In The World’ while his co-star Michelle Williams made only $80 a day. Here to comment is Aidy Bryant.

[Aidy Bryant slides in]

Aidy Bryant: Whoo. Hi, Colin. Hey.

Colin Jost: How are you? Thanks for being here. Thanks for doing this.

Aidy Bryant: Oh. Thank you for having me. And I’m sorry I rolled out here kind of weird. Did I ruin it?

Colin Jost: No. Of course you didn’t ruin anything. There’s nothing to apologize for.

Aidy Bryant: Oh. I know. I just do that. You know. I t’s kind of my natural state because I, like most girls, have been taught to be accommodating and polite. Like, once, I felt bad about telling an Uber driver that he made a wrong turn and so I just went with him to New Jersey.

Colin Jost: Wow. So, what does that have to do with Michelle Williams?

Aidy Bryant: Well, I guess I just understand the impulse to be accommodating, you know? Like, I easily could have been in Michelle William’s position. I mean, not in the position of being in a movie. I have only been in one movie and it was Spiderman 1 and I had one line and it was uncredited. Although, I was recently offered the role of fat ugly prison who brings inmates sex and cake. And that’s real.

Colin Jost: God, wow. What do you think of the public response to the story?

Aidy Bryant: Well, everyone’s talking about how women should negotiate harder and ask for more money. And that’s true. And I really think women are ready to do that. But I feel like maybe, just maybe, men could be just like [showing a tiny amount using her fingers] this much more dees. You know?

Colin Jost: Little dees? Like, decent?

Aidy Bryant: Yeah. Yeah. I wanna say decent but I’m trying to keep it like, cool and chill so I don’t come off like a shrew.

Colin Jost: Okay. So, you’re saying we kind of need to find like, a middle ground. Right?

Aidy Bryant: Yeah. Well, equal pay is the goal. But, at this point, I’d be happy to just even gain like, a couple of yards. And yes, that’s a straight up sports reference for da’ boys.

Colin Jost: Very cool. Yeah.

Aidy Bryant: All that I’m saying is if I’m going to be more like, Mark Wahlberg, then maybe Mark Wahlberg can take a little trip inside my brain. Which is just a tornado of “Are you okay? Is she okay? I’m sorry. Here’s $50.”

Colin Jost: So, you think people should act more like that?

Aidy Bryant: No, Colin. No one should act like this. It’s the prison of the mind.

Colin Jost: Well, Mark Wahlberg did announce that he is donating his salary from the reshoots to the time’s up legal fund.

Aidy Bryant: Yes. And that’s great. That’s the right thing to do. But it would be so cool if it didn’t take a week long public shaming to do the right thing. Maybe do it daily private shaming which is what I have done my entire damn life.

Colin Jost: That sounds like some very good advice, Aidy. Yes.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah. Well, to quote Kate Yeager, Mark Wahlberg’s character from Transformers, “I think we just found a transformer.” I’m sorry, that’s the wrong quote. It was, um, “You gotta have faith, Prime, in who we can be.” See, Colin? We can all be transformers.

Colin Jost: Aidy Bryant, everyone.

Aidy Bryant: I love you. I’m sorry.

Colin Jost: Don’t apologize.

Weekend Update on H&M’s “Monkey” Hoodie

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of H&M logo and a sweatshirt at right top corner.]

Michael Che: H&M has apologized after using a black child to model a sweatshirt with a logo “Coolest monkey in the jungle.” Worse, the shirt was made by [Picturechanges to an asian kid wearing “saddest child in the sweatshop” sweatshirt] the saddest child in the sweatshop. I said worse.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Steve Bannon at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Yeah. Steve Bannon announced that he will be stepping down from Breitbart news although technically he’s not stepping down so much as he’s sliding away in a trail of mucus.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

It was reported that back in December, president Trump during the meeting in the oval office referred to a member of the staff as a ‘Pretty Korean lady’. Worse, it was Jared Kushner.

Weekend Update on Fire and Fury

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of the book ‘Fire and Fury’ by Michael Wolff at left top corner.]

The book Fire and Fury, a salacious expose of the Trump White House was released last week. And then this week, the sequal wrote itself. [Picture changes to the same book, but the title is ‘S—hole countries’.]

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

During an oval office meeting, Trump attacked protections for immigrants from African countries which he called S-holes. That’s what NBC asked us to say, by the way. S hole. Even though the president can say shit hole. Oops! I feel bad at this point for parents with young children. Every word you tell your kid not to say, they can be like, “But the president gets to say it.” The most insane thing is that Trump has said all of this racist stuff right before Martin Luther King day. Which is like pounding a case of beer on your way to rehab. Now, I’m just worried about what he’s gonna say the day before passover.

Trump also said that instead, we should take more immigrants from countries like Norway. And Norweigians were like, “America? We’re not going to that shatter oven.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Can I be honest? When someone asks me, “Did you hear what Donald Trump called Haiti in Africa?” I was like, “Oh, boy. Did it start with an N?” But then I heard what he said and I was like, “That’s it?” I’ve said that about countries for not having CBS. Here’s the thing. My job is to make jokes about the news. But Trump saying something racist isn’t exactly news anymore. It’d be news if Trump said, “You know what we need more in this country? Hasians.”

And by the way, he’s not the only one here that thinks like that. I’ve lived in this country my entire life and I’ve been asked to go back to Africa several times. And it has never been because they thought I enjoy it there.

[Picture changes to a map of Africa]

But Donald, you do realize how rich these places are in resources, right? I mean, they’re in bad shape because they’ve been robbed and exploited for centuries by western powers. So, the president of the United States calling Africa a shit hole is like telling the kid you molested, “Boy, did you grow up to be weird.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Stormy Daniels at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that just before the election last year, president Trump’s personal lawyer arranged a six figure payment to cover up an alleged affair between Trump and porn star Stormy Daniels. So, at least there’s one storm Trump will pay for. Now, let me just say what a thrill it is to be alive in a time where a porn star blackmails president is like the forth biggest story of the week. At this rate in a year from now, we’re gonna see the headline, “Trump found with dead hooker” right next to the crossword puzzle.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: At a cabinet meeting on Thursday, president Trump called for toughening the country’s liable laws to make it easier for people to sue media outlets for making false claims. Let’s take a listen.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking at the meeting]

Donald Trump: Can’t say things that are false. Knowingly false. And be able to smile as money pores into your bank account.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: And with a straight face. His lack of self awareness is almost adorable. And again, he’s not totally wrong about this. He’s just the worst possible person to point this out to us. He lies all the time. It’s like listening to OJ complain about the loopholes in the justice system.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and

Colin Jost: In a press conference, president Trump said it seems unlikely he would have to be interviewed by Robert Mueller as part of the Russia probe because “they have no collusion.” It’s almost like I’ve heard him say that before.

[Cut different video clips of to Donald Trump saying “There is no collusion’ at different speeches.]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

He says “No collusion” the way a dumb ass frat guy says “No homo.” So, I met up with a Russian guy the other night. No collusion. Also, just repeating a phrase over and over again doesn’t make it true. For example, ever since Trump got elected, half the country has been repeating the phrase, “This can’t be happening.” And yet, somehow it is.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kim Jong-Un and Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: In a new interview, president Trump said that his tweets antagonizing Kim Jong-Un are part of his strategy saying, “You see that a lot with me. Then all of a sudden, somebody is my best friend.” It’s a strategy experts are calling, “Early on set dementia.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and a caduceus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Speaking of dementia, Trump underwent a physical exam on Friday and a staff released a statement announcing that Trump is in “excellent health.” That’s right. This guy, president drum stick is in excellent health. [Picture changes to Donald Trump enjoying kFC drum sticks] I think I wanna see the full medical report because unless it’s chart says “Blood type: Thick,” I’m skeptical.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Oprah at right top corner.]

Michael Che: After Oprah went for Golden Globe speech, many in the public are calling for a run at the presidency in 2020. Argh! Can’t we just have a regular run for a while? Just a regular boring old white dude president that smiles and shape shifts into a lizard at night? I’m tired of all these fun ideas for president. I miss boring politics. I miss when people would ask me, “Hey, did you hear what the president said?” and I’d be like, [annoyed voice] “No.”

Weekend Update Christopher Columbus statue

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of statue of Christopher Columbus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The New York City Commission on Monuments has decided that statues of controversial historical figures such as Christopher Columbus will not be torn down because it’s just not what we care about this week.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of GM logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: General motors announced that it’s making a line of self driving cars that has no steering wheel, no gas or break pedals, no windows, and it’s a coffin.

[Picture changes to a toilet bowl.]

Kohler has introduced a new toilet that can be flushed by voice command. So, get ready to hear your co-worker in the next stall yelling, “Flush! Please, flush. For the love of god, flush!”

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: [looking at Colin Jost] It was just one time.

Sam Rockwell Monologue

Sam Rockwell

Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Colin Jost

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Sam Rockwell.

[Sam Rockwell walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Sam Rockwell: Thank you. Thank you. Oh, my goodness. Thank you very much. My name is Sam Rockwell. Now, most of you probably know me as that guy from that movie. You know, I’m talking about not the main guy but the other guy. And when you see him, you’re like, “Oh, this guy. I like this guy. He’s pretty good.” But thank you. That’s me.

[cheers and applause]

I’ve been a working actor for over 30 years and I’ve got in to disappearing to many great roles but– and just last week, the worst thing that could ever happen to a character actor happened to me. I won an award and [cheers and applause] — yeah. And I said, “Whoa! Am I a big ass honking movie star now? Did I just go from actor to big as deal?” Yeah, I know. I’m just as surprised as you are. I mean, I was a character actor all my life and now I might actually just go full leading man. Yeah, I might as well start right now.

[band playing music]

[Sam Rockwell starts dancing]

[singing] a little less conversation, little more action please
all this aggravation in expecting of me

[A red carpet rolls to Sam Rockwell. Sam Rockwell starts walking and dancing on the red carpet. The dancers come to him.]

Hey, who are these guys?

[Sam Rockwell continues dancing and walking towards the backstage hallway]

Whoo! Ninjas? [Two ninjas walk in.] Hey, come on! [Sam Rockwell beats the two ninjas.] Hey, alright!

[Sam Rockwell then walks out of the door. There is a paparazzi.]

[Sam Rockwell walks into Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Well, Sam Rockwell. I see you’re a leading man now. Just in time, [points a gun on Sam Rockwell’s face] to die. [Sam Rockwell takes the gun away and holds Cecily Strong by her waist] Oh, Sam. [Sam Rockwell is trying to kiss Cecily Strong] Oh, we can’t do kissing scenes anymore. We had a whole HR meeting about it.

[Cecily Strong walks out. Leslie Jones walks in.]

Leslie Jones: Ha-ha. Ah. [Leslie Jones holds Sam Rockwell tight] Now, you know I didn’t go to that meeting.

[Leslie Jones kisses Sam Rockwell]

Whoo!

[Leslie Jones holds a rose by her teeth and starts dancing with Sam Rockwell]

You better not tell HR.

[Sam Rockwell pushes Leslie Jones out of the exit door.]

[Sam Rockwell meets Colin Jost]

Sam Rockwell: Colin Jost?

Colin Jost: How’s it going, man. Break a leg tonight.

Sam Rockwell: You break one.

[Sam Rockwell kicks Cecily Strong out through the door.]

[Sam Rockwell meets Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Sam, well, you’re a big ass deal.

Sam Rockwell: Hey. So are you. Wanna dance?

Kate McKinnon: Sure.

[Sam Rockwell and Kate McKinnon dance and walk forward]

Wow, I can’t believe it.

[They run into ninjas again and beat them.]

Go, get em’ baby. I got it.
Sam Rockwell: Thanks baby.

[Sam Rockwell wears a magician hat and holds a magic stick. Then he walks to the SNL stage and stands on cameraman’s crane.]

Come on, come on. Hey, come on. Yeah. Let’s make this damn good. Let’s have a good time. Come on.

[There are backup dancers on the stage. Sam Rockwell walks to the stage and dances with them.]

[music stops]

We got a great show. Halsey is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Weekend Update: Omarosa Manigault Newman

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Omarosa Manigault Newman… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Michael che. There’s a picture of Omarosa Manigault Newman at right top corner.]

Michael che: It was announced that Omarosa Manigault Newman was fired from her White House job, whatever the hell that was. My guess is secretary of the sunken place. But Omarosa’s firing did prompt this outcry of support from black women.

[Cut to video clips of black women in TV news not being supportive to Omarosa Manigault Newman]

[Cut to Michael che]

Michael che: Man, when you get a bye from Robin Roberts, you know you suck.

[Omarosa Manigault Newman walks in]

Omarosa: Uh-uh! That is not accurate.

Michael che: Oh my! Omarosa? You’re still here?

Omarosa: Yes, Michael Che. And I demand a retraction. I left that job by choice.

Michael che: So you weren’t fired and forcefully removed from the White House?

Omarosa: That’s right. I quit.

Michael che: Okay.

Omarosa: I deactivated my ID card. I changed the locks on my own office. I escorted myself off the premises. And then, I threw myself into the bushes.

Michael che: Oh, is that so? Really?

Omarosa: Uh-huh.

[Security walks in]

Security: Let’s go, ma’am.

Omarosa: You can’t throw me out because I quit!

Michael che: You quit what? You don’t work here.

[The security is holding Omarosa’s arm.]

Omarosa: [to the security] Yeah, you better take my arm because I’m escorting you out of the building. And you better throw me into the Christmas tree.

Michael che: Omarosa Manigault Newman, everybody. Thank you. Unbelievable.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Burger King logo and police car at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: [laughing] She wants to get thrown into the Christmas tree. Okay. Police in Illinois arrested a man for drunk driving after he crashed his car into a ditch and told officers that his name was Burger King. Police then took out their tasers and had it their way.

Weekend Update on Doug Jones Defeating Roy Moore

Colin Jost

Michael che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Hey everyone. Merry Christmas.

Michael che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Doug Jones and Roy Moore at left top corner.]

Well, congratulations to Alabama’s newest senator, not Roy Moore. [cheers and applause] That’s literally what’s it’s gonna say on his name plate. [Picture changes to Doug Jones on his desk with the name plate ‘Sen. Not Roy Moore’.] Doug Jones has become the first democrat to win a senate seat in Alabama in over 20 years. Said Roy Moore, “Gross. Over 20 years?”

After Jones’s victory, president Trump tweeted, “Congratulations to Doug Jones. The people of Alabama are great and the republicans will have another shot. It never ends!” That’s it? You just went all in for an accused paedophile and when he lost, Trump’s just like, “Well, we had fun. Good game, guys.” Like nothing happened. He could be removed from office tonight and tomorrow he’d tweet, “Congrats to Robert Mueller on a great investigation. Had a fun time being president. Catch you on the flippity-flop! #DietCokeTime”

[Cut to Michael che. There’s a picture of Doug Jones and Roy Moore at right top corner.]

Michael che: Flippity-flop? On Tuesday, we saw exactly why republicans try to keep black people from voting. 98% of black women voted for Doug Jones bringing the total number of black women who voted for Roy Moore to just Sheryl. Dammit, Sheryl.

Democratic national committee chairman Tom Perez tweeted, “#BlackWomen led us to victory… and we can’t take that for granted.” Um, but I bet you will. And you know why? It’s because democrats know that black people aren’t really democrats. We just vote fo the guy that looks less likely to put us on a boat. Here’s how I vote. I look at both candidates. I listen to them speak. And then I ask myself, “If I got pulled over, which one of these candidates would I rather see approaching my car?” And it’s almost always not the one on a horse.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of nine senators at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Nine senators this week have called on President Trump to resign from office over the allegations of sexual assault. The problem is, you’re never gonna shame president grab ass out of office. Shame for Trump is like spinach for Popeye. It only makes him stronger. Specially with inappropriate sex stuff coz he has already openly bragged about it. He didn’t go on Howard’s turn 37 times to talk about real estate. All I’m saying is it’s hard to assassinate a guy’s character when his character already committed suicide 40 years ago.

[Cut to Michael che. There are pictures of nine senators at right top corner.]

Michael che: I actually think president Trump should at least consider resigning. I mean, you’ve made your point already, dude. The political system is broken and probably rigged and any idiot that understands television could mobilize the angriest people in the country with lies and insults, and still somehow be more like-able than Hillary Clinton. Point taken. We learned our lesson. What else is there? If this was a Christmas movie, this could be the part where you winked at the camera and disappeared and then we realized that you lived inside of us the whole time.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of 75th Golden Globe Awards at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: There were no female directors nominated for a Golden Globe this year. It’s a snob women in Hollywood are calling “The least of our problems.” [Picture changes to the people in Hollywood industry accused of sexual assault allegations.]

Weekend Update – Guy Who Just Bought a Boat on Christmas

Colin Jost

The guy who just bought a boat… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: There’s only eight days left before Christmas. Here with his holiday dating tips is they guy who just bought a boat.

[The guy slides in]

[cheers and applause]

The guy: Yeah. Ho-ho-ho. [singing] It’s beginning to look a lot like Sex-mas. Hey, happy holiday, Santa Cols. Skin tight to be back.

Colin Jost: My god. I think you’re even worse than I remembered. How have you been?

The guy: Not great, Col. The world has gotten it’s granny panties in a real twist since last we spoke. Got into some hot wat at the office. I had to go incognit for a bit, a little adic-facil out in the boo. Low-key little sex rehab situate to save my J-O-B. It was hard but overall pretty tight and I’m a changed man.

Colin Jost: Wow. Congrats, man.

The guy: Thank you. Now, let’s talk getting fala-la-la-la-la-laid.

Colin Jost: Oh my god. That’s my guy. Okay.

The guy: Okay. I’ve got some tips that could help even Santa slay (sleigh). Now, when it comes to buying her a gift, you can’t lose with booze. Go for that second smallest bottle of Bails, maybe a nice Stoly Orang, or just bring some Veno to the sceno. Pick up anything in the sub-20-buck range that will get her lit up like that tree in Rockefeller Centro. I have a small bad wang. Now, let’s talk gifts of gold and Frankenstein. Since that will have her coming back for mer. ‘Tis the holiday for lingerie, and gents, don’t half shaft it with some cut rayed skivis, okay? Head straight to Vicky-6 and ask for a recommende. Don’t worry about what size. Just make it guess-demaise based on what kind of goodies the sales chika packed for lunch. My junk blows.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. These, again, are dating tips for Christmas?

The guy: Wi, señor. Now, to make your Mrs. claws up your back, um, you gotta set that wintery scene. Take her to a top notch ski res and get your slope on. Then retire to the ski chalet where she shall lay if you play things right. Remember, mistletoe leads to camel toe. And medically speaking, my missile is a toe. Now, light up a fire– [Colin Jost laughing hardly]

Colin Jost: What?

The guy: Geez.

Colin Jost: Yeah. No.

The guy: Happy holidays.

Colin Jost: Yeah, their problem. Yeah.

The guy: Um, light up a fire and you’ll log her quicker, then you can say, “This never happens to me.” But it always does. It came upon a midnight clear but she most certainly did not. I’m neither a goer nor a show-er. Um–

Colin Jost: Look, man. Come on. It’s the Christmas show, okay?

The guy: Rodger, dodger. Now, let’s talk poist, post coids proto Col. Um, once you’ve done the deed and show em’ the seed, you can run, run Rudolph. Make like Santa Clause and leave her presents. Bad jingle, worse bells.

Colin Jost: It’s disgusting.

The guy: Well, hey man, don’t make me deck the Colls. Ha-ha. Nah, I’m Jost kidding. I only pick on people my own size which is just shockingly small. My penis, I mean. It’s bad an it’s small. And the thing is Colin, nobody likes it.

Colin Jost: And yet, somehow it’s not the worst thing about you.

The guy: Umm. It’s a Philly’s nobby dud. Now, in cum-clusion (conclusion), no matter who you open presents with on XXXmas, there’s no better place to unwrap a box and on the stern of the uptown girl.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. What is the uptown girl?

The guy: My boat, Colin.

Colin Jost: My god. The guy who bought a boat everyone.

The guy: It’s duck-tomorrow-logo.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update_ Cathy Anne on Al Franken

Michael Che

Cathy Anne… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Catny Anne in his set]

Michael Che: Sexual harassment allegations continue to rock congress with more expected to come. Here to talk about this is a woman who is always screaming outside my window, Cathy Anne.

[Catny Anne slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Catny Anne: Hey. Hey. Michael Che. Whoo! Today must be my lucky day.

Michael Che: Oh, yeah? And why is that, Cathy Anne?

Catny Anne: Coz I get to see you and I just came back from the dead.

Michael Che: What? You were actually dead?

Catny Anne: Yeah. Yeah. For 18 minutes. And then I came back for five and dead again for another 21. I met Dirts Michael. He told me to “Please leave him alone.”

Michael Che: Well, I’m glad you’re okay now. So, what do you think about Al Franken resignation?

Catny Anne: You know what? I’m not sure what to think, okay? It’s a confusing time to be a woman. And a drug addict. And a very heavy drinker. It’s really hard coz I like Al Franco (Al Franken). You know? But I guess it’s true what they say. “Don’t meet your heroes.”  It’s kind of like when I met that Tacobell Chihuahua and he tried to bite me in my freaking vagina.

Michael Che: Wow!

Catny Anne: Oh! How is that a wow? Come on. Look. Look. I saw Al Franco’s speech, okay? Here’s what I do know. Why are you gonna resign if you ain’t gonna apologize? And if you ain’t got nothing to apologize for, then why the hell are you resigning? Okay? I didn’t resign from Waffle house coz I wasn’t stealing syrup. You know what I’m saying?

Michael Che: Well, I think he resigned coz the democrats wanted to show that they are a party that takes a stand against sexual harassment.

Catny Anne: Who they trying to show? What? The voters in Alabama? Right! Yeah! Coz if everyone in Alabama just been on the edge of their seats. Wondering what Christian Jellybeans is gonna do about Al Franco.

Michael Che: You seem to know a lot about this stuff.

Catny Anne: Well, I’m kind of a political junkie. And a regular junkie. Right? The point is, the voters in Alabama don’t give a flying foot about Al Franco.

Michael Che: A flying foot?

Catny Anne: Um, you know, when you step in a bear trap and you try to shake it off too hard and your foot goes flying.

Michael Che: Nah, I don’t know about that.

Catny Anne: Oh, well, aren’t you fancy?

Michael Che: Well, Doug Jones seems close to Roy Moore on the polls.

Catny Anne: Oh, oh! Is he doing okay in the polls? Is he? Come on! People lie. Come one! Who wants to admit supporting Roy Moore to a stranger calling him on the phone? Oh, what? Who? Me? Yeah, I’m gonna support paedophile who likes slavery. Come on! That will be like if you call me and you ask, “Hey, Cathy Anne, are you planning on smoking crack again?” And I’ll be like, “How dare you? You have offended my censor-bility (sensibility).” Cut to me in that secret voting booth huffing on hot lot bob high as hell going “Doug, who?” Damn right, they’ll vote for Roy Moore. He gonna win in a land side and I’ll pretend like it just happened over night and I had nothing to do with it, right? Like, crop circles or clogged toilet.

Michael Che: Wait, Cathy Anne. Does this mean that you clogged my toilet again?

Catny Anne: Huh, Michael Che! You have offended my censor-bility.

Michael Che: Cathy Anne, everybody!

Catny Anne: [Catny Anne showing an engagement ring on her finger] No, Cathy Anne Che! Tell them eloped.

Michael Che: We eloped. We eloped.

Catny Anne: We’re married.

Weekend Update on Trump Recognizing Jerusalem as Israeli Capital

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, with all the complex issues facing America right now, president Trump decided to relax and solve the much simple problem, the middle east. Trump formally recognized Jerusalem as the capital of Israel this week and you’re not gonna believe this, but Jews and Muslims had different reactions. Trump basically made the response. He made the announcement and then he just flicked a cigarette and walked away in slow motion. [Picture changes to Donald Trump walking in front of explosions like in the action movies.]

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Mahmoud Abbas]

Then Palestinian president Mahmoud Abbas warned Trump in a phone call that the move would result in dangerous consequences. And it didn’t help. Trump ended the call by wishing Abbas Merry Christmas and asking for extra falafel.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: [laughing] Um, look. I don’t know why anybody would try to take sides on middle east conflict unless they’re actually from the middle east. It’s like watching the girlfriend’s parents’ fight. You’re just supposed to quietly nod and say, “Yeah, I hear you.” I don’t know nothing about the middle east. I have one Palestinian friend and every time I ask him about the middle east, he says, “Che, I’m Pakistani.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump giving speech at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After Trump slurred his speech on Wednesday, the White House announced that he would undergo a physical exam early next year and the results will be made public. Which sounds great. But I have to ask, will Dr. Muppet be doing it? [Picture changes to Harold Bernstein] Because if he is, someone’s gonna have to shake him out of his ludes coma first.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Also, I’m not really concerned about Trump getting a physical examination. I’m more concerned about some of the mental things that might be happening. Things that make him say things like this.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: Because these massive tax cuts, we’ll be rocket fuel– [Donald Trump turns around, shakes his head and finger] Little rocket man.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Now, I’m no doctor, but then again, neither is this guy. [picture changes to Harold Bernstein]

[Picture changes to United States Capitol]

Congress has passed a temporary extension that will prevent a government shutdown this weekend. So for now, a government shutdown is just when a woman tells a senator to pull his pants back up.

[audience laughing]

Then you’ll like this. Three members of congress resigned this week after allegations of sexual misconduct. And you know what that means. Time to open three more doors on our sexual harassment themed Advent Calendar.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Al Franken at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Senator Al Franken announces resignation this week in the wake of sexual harassment allegations. And yet, [Picture of a newspaper article that says “Moore ahead by 4 points”] uncle bad touch is up 4 points in Alabama. You see, the democrats hold themselves to a highest standard than anyone else. Which is why they always lose. It’s the same reason that Harvard football team sucks, because you also got to be a rocket scientist to play there. But to play for Alabama, you just got to be able to spell ‘Bama’. Democrats hope by forcing out Franken to step down, they will paint themselves as the party of the moral high ground. Calm down, democrats. You’re still politicians. You’re the party of the morality the same way Don Jr. is the handsome Trump brother. Nobody actually likes you. Nobody likes democrats. Nobody’s at a party like, “Yo, you know who I wish was here? Nancy Pelosi. She’s dope.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Roy Moore at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Trump also endorsed Roy Moore this week saying “Go get ’em Roy!” Come on, man! When you’re endorsing an accused child molest, you can’t say “Go get ’em.” This isn’t paedophile pokemon. And if it is, we should probably keep an eye on Squirtle. By the way, “Go get ’em, Roy!” is also what Roy Moore whispers to himself right before he walks into a Hot Topic. [Picture changes to Hot Topic store.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Roy Moore at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Alabama– [laughter] Alabama senate candidate Roy Moore responded to critics by tweeting “I think they’re afraid I’m going to take Alabama values to Washington.” No. We’re afraid you’re gonna take your values to Washington. Why do people always want to blame their terrible behavior on where they’re from? Like, when a guy whips out his junk on a subway and screams, “Only in New York, baby!” We do not do that, man!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Duetsche Bank logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that the Mueller investigation has subpoenaed Duetsche Bank requesting information about president Trump and his family’s finances. And they’ve also subpoenaed the bank Eric uses. [Picture changes to a piggy bank]

[Picture changes to Donald trump and a nine handle candlestand.]

According to a report, president Trump did not invite any democrats to the White House Hanukkah party on Thursday, which is like not inviting any gay people to the Tony awards. It’s not really a good look when the most Jewish person at you Hanukkah party is Ivanka Trump. [Picture changes to Ivanka Trump]