Tag: Colin Jost

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che at their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening. Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of USA and China’s flags at right top corner.]

This week, China and US reached a historic agreement to cut carbon emissions. [Picture changes to ISIS flag] The leader of ISIS may have been killed in an airstrike. [Cut to a satellite in space] And a space craft landed on a comet 300 million miles away. [Picture changes to Kim Kardashian’s picture on magazine’s front page.] But that ass though. The cover for latest issue of Paper magazine featuring a naked pictures of Kim Kardashian was viewed online more than 16 million people. So, thank you Kim, I can now find porn just by googling the word paper.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Getting back to real news, the Michael Che0Colin Jost5 Obamacare open enrollment period began today. And president Obama urged Americans to spread the word and check their insurance options on healthcare.gov. Except they can’t because [Picture changes to Kim Kardashian’s picture on front page of a magazine again] someone broke the internet. Okay, I promise, that was the last one.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: But that ass though. Damn!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of leaders taking oath.]

Colin Jost: This week, president Obama traveled to Asia to meet with leaders from China, Russia and Japan to deal with some pretty tough questions, like, [Cut to a picture of Vladimir Putin, Barack Obama and Xi Jinping wearing same outfit.] who wore it best?

[Picture changes to ISIS coin]

On Thursday, ISIS announced plans to issue its own currency which will be independent of the currency of western economies but will still be accepted in more places than [Picture chances to Discover card.] Discover.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of US and China flag.]

Michael Che: The US and China signed a historic agreement to cut green house gases by the year Michael Che030. [Picture changes to a polar bear] “Sooner”, screamed this polar bear.

Weekend Update Romantic Comedy Expert

Daisy Rose… Venessa Bayer

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Several major networks recently debut romantic comedy themed sitcoms including Selfie, A to Z and Marry Me. Here to comment is our romantic comedy expert, Daisy Rose.

[Daisy Rose slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Daisy Rose: Hi. I am sorry. Do you know how I can get to the Weekend Update desk? I am supposed to do a talk in romantic comedies and I am completely lost as per use.

Michael Che: This is the Weekend Update desk.

Daisy Rose: Oh, my god! I am officially an idiot. Let me just get my note cards here. And– Oh! I’m sorry. I just had such a stressful day and I went total cluts and I just– I spilled–

Michael Che: Oh, no, it’s okay. I’m Michael Che and it’s nice to meet you.

Daisy Rose: Well, I’d better get into my talk. This season’s new crop of romantic comedies bring not only the Ram, but also Cam.

Michael Che: That’s pretty clever.

Daisy Rose: [laughing] You know, it’s not that often that I meet a guy with a sense of humor. I guess, ever since my ex and I broke up, I don’t laugh a lot. And I don’t know, you … um, you make me laugh. Hi, I’m Daisy Rose.

Michael Che: I know, I just introduced you. Anyway, get it back to romantic–

Daisy Rose: Comedies? We’re finishing each other’s sentences

Michael Che: Kinda! So, as a romantic comedy expert, what do you think of these new shows?

Daisy Rose: What do I think? What do I think honestly?

[music playing]

I think that… um, that maybe I was meant to be here tonight. Because I was meant to meet you.

Michael Che: That is not why we actually brought you here.

Daisy Rose: It’s just that … and I think– you go first.
Michael Che: You’re the only one going. So, maybe get back to talking about romantic comedy.

Daisy Rose: Look, I guess what I’m saying is, it’s New York city and it’s 6 days before Halloween. So, do you wanna just go somewhere and talk?

Michael Che: Daisy, I can’t go anywhere now. I’m in a middle of Update.

Daisy Rose: You’re always in the middle of Update. Why not in the beginning of something? Stop reading the cue cards out there and start reading the ones in here. [putting her hand over her heart]

Michael Che: Okay, I met you 70 seconds ago.
Daisy Rose: Well, if I don’t leave now, I’ll miss my flight. And you’ll lose me forever.

Michael Che: Well, then you better go.

Daisy Rose: Hey, listen, if we’re not both married and… I don’t know. Daisy Rose5, Michael Che0 minutes, do you want to meet at our special place? You know, the place where we first met?

Michael Che: You mean, right here?

Daisy Rose: Yes. So, what do you say? Do want to take a chance on us?

Michael Che: Absolutely not.

Daisy Rose: You have me at ‘Absolutely’.

Michael Che: Daisy Rose, everyone.

[Daisy Rose acting shy]

Weekend Update Drunk Uncle on Halloween

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Drunk Uncle… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Michael in his set]

Michael Che: Well, it’s almost Halloween. And that means families will be out Trick or Treating. Here with his take on Halloween this year is drunk uncle.

[cheers and applause]

[Drunk Uncle slides in with his glass]

So, how are you drunk uncle?

Drunk Uncle: Oh, trick or treat! I’m sorry. 5th floor please.

Michael Che: No man! I’m the new Update anchor.

[Drunk Uncle is confused]

[Drunk Uncle slides his chair behind Michael Che and then to the side of Drunk Uncle]

Drunk Uncle: Yeah, this feels better. Oh! Trick or treat, smell my feet, kids used to volunteer to fight for their country.

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle! Be nice.

Drunk Uncle: Hey, hey! [Drunk Uncle puts a trash can’s cover on his head] Ouch! What’s my costume?

Colin Jost: I don’t know. Oscar the grouch?

[Cut to Drunk Uncle]

Drunk Uncle: No, I’m America because that’s where we are now, in the garbage.

[Drunk Uncle throws away the trash can cover.]

[Cut to Drunk Uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, you must be excited for Halloween? Right?

Drunk Uncle: More like Horrorwin. You know? I mean, like, “Oh! What are you going as little girl?” “Oh, I’m going as disappointing my father.” People don’t even trick or treat anymore, Colin. You know? [Cut to Drunk Uncle] When I was a kid, monsters were men. It was just ghost, goblin, Frankenstein, Dracula. Nowadays, it’s just, “Trick or treat! Can you put some goji berries in my drop box please?” Is this GoPro farm to table? NFL anywhere. If you can watch the NFL anywhere, then why can’t I watch it in the damn toilet, Linda?

[Cut to Drunk Uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Alright, come on, drunk uncle.

Drunk Uncle: Fit bit. Fit bit. Fit bit. The only exercise I get is chasing those damn gypsies off my lawn.

Colin Jost: Those were costumes.

Drunk Uncle: They were like, “Oh! Trick or treat!” Well, guess what? We already got trick. It’s called Pearl Harbor.

Colin Jost: Alright. Drunk uncle, I think you’re a little too drunk.

Drunk Uncle: Yeah! I got trapped in a corn maze. Oh! Excuse me. I’m sorry. A native American maze.

[Cut to Drunk Uncle]

[Drunk Uncle starts singing, and then crying]

[Cut to Drunk Uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, drunk uncle. Are you crying?

Drunk Uncle: So I’m not a jack of lanterns. Oh yeah? So I don’t know how to commit murder [blabbering unintelligible words]. Okay? So I’m not a graveyard smash, okay? [blabbering unintelligible words] That’s not me.

Colin Jost: That’s not anyone.

Drunk Uncle: Hey, hey. You wanna hear a joke?

Colin Jost: Sure.

Drunk Uncle: What is black and white and red all over?

Colin Jost: A newspaper?

Drunk Uncle: Oh, no, that’s better. I was going to say something super racist. So, yeah. [Drunk Uncle starts singing]

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle, everybody! For Weenend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Peyton Manning at left top corner]

Colin Jost: Peyton Manning this week broke Brett Farve’s NFL record when he threw his 509th touchdown pass. Farve sent Manning a congratulatory text just as soon as he finished writing ‘good job’ on his penis.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a cake at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A bakery in Texas has created a new dessert that is a pumpkin pie inside of a pumpkin spiced cake that is on top of a pecan pie inside a chocolate cake and topped by an apple pie inside a cake. It’s what Texans are calling diet cake.

[Picture changes to a fish fossil]

According to a new study of fossils, the act of sex used by humans was pioneered by an ancient armored fish called placoderms about 385 million years ago. But it wasn’t perfected until last night by your mama.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Lay’s new wasabi ginger flavor at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: So aggressive. Such an aggressive serving. A nurse in New Jersey won a Lay’s potato chips contest by creating the new flavor of wasabi ginger, which sounds less like a chip flavor and more like something Joe Biden would accidentally call the Chinese ambassador.

[Picture changes to a coffee mug]

An Illinois woman has purchased 52 boxes of a pumpkin spice latte mix, which is enough to last an entire year. And no need to google it, she’s white.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a knuckle weapon at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A school employee in Texas was arrested after he allegedly brought brass knuckles and a meth pipe to school. In his defense, he was planning on teaching someone a lesson.

[Picture changes to KFC fast food and Chinese flag]

A woman in China spent an entire week at a local KFC because she was depressed after breaking up with her boyfriend. A boyfriend who needless to say, dogged that bullet.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a Canceled sign on TLC “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: TLC has canceled the reality show ‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ after it was reported that mama June is dating a convicted sex offender. Even though convicted sex offender is the show’s key demographic.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Michael Che: Good evening. Welcome to weekend update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of New York city and Ebola virus at left top corner.]

Thursday, officials confirmed the first case of Ebola in New York. So, it’s official, New York city has all the diseases.

[Picture changes to New York city map]

According to reports, before the New York city doctor diagnosed with Ebola began showing symptoms, he went for a run, visited the high line, then took three different subways and went to a bowling alley in Brooklyn. This dude did more in a day with Ebola than I’ve done all month. I’m starting to think that he has not Ebola but more, he just like, drank a Red Bull. I’m just kidding. Red Bull is way worse for you.

[Picture changes to a bowling alley]

And now owners of the Brooklyn bowling alley where New York doctor with Ebola visited, are having the entire facility professionally cleaned. Thus, making it no longer technically a bowling alley.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s is a picture of US country and Ebola virus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to a new phone poll, 45% of Americans are concerned that they’ll get Ebola. The other 55% wouldn’t answer the phone because they thought that might be the way you get Ebola.

[Picture changes to a man with full protection suit on]

I’m sick of the Ebola panic. I mean, where I have I heard this before? It’s mostly white people afraid of it, but it’s killing mostly black people. Kind of like, black people. I’m not saying black people are like Ebola. I’m saying we’re treated the same. I mean nobody thinks about us till we show up in your neighborhood at your favorite bowling alley and go home with a few white girls. And then it’s, “Oh, we got to do something about this.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of basketball and a football at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new report was released this week accusing UNC of more than Colin Jost8 years of academic fraud, involving more than 3,000 student athletes. UNC student athletes refuted the report calling it both, ungood and distrue.

Weekend Update Stefon on Autumn’s Hottest Tips

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Stefon.. Bill Hader

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set.]

Michael Che: Its autumn in New York, which means millions of tourists will be heading to the city to see the big apple and it’s new mayor have to offer. Here is some tips as our Weekend Update’s city correspondence, Stefon.

[Stefon slides in]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost, Michael Che and Stefon]

Colin Jost: Thanks so much for joining us Stefon.

[Stefon looks here and there.]

[Cut to Stefon]

Stefon: How long have I been in anesthesia?

[Cut to Colin Jost, Michael Che and Stefon]

Michael Che: Oh, a lot has changed, you know. Colin and I host Weekend Update now.

[Cut to Stefon]

Stefon: Hmm, on of each.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Michael Che and Stefon]

I like it.

Michael Che: Now, a lot of tourists want to check out what mayor Di Blasio’s New York has to offer. Are there any fun spots for them?

Stefon: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Barack, Mit.

Michael Che: Come on, man!

[Cut to Stefon]

Stefon: If you’re looking for berserk night out in the new New York, I know just the place for you. New New York’s hottest club is Wimsy. Condemned by glad and EPA from ghost busters. This old wet band aid found in a Jacuzzi is a kind of place that makes you feel weird the next time you see your parents. This plae has everything. Kufi hats, congos, MTV’s Dan Cortese. And that TV channel at the hotel, that’s like about the hotel.

The vibrant side is strange yet familiar. Like, when you see billboards for sign filled rewinds in a Puerto Rican neighborhood.

Yo Swe Kastanje, weeknights at 66:thirty.

[Cut to Michael Che and Stefon]

Michael Che: Fine. Real quick. How is Seth doing? Did he come with you?

Stefon: No, he’s at home practicing how to sit behind a desk.

Michael Che: So, I think the club you were describing might not be for everybody. Do you have any other recommendations for folks looking for like a more wholesome New York experience?

[Cut to Stefon]

Stefon: Yes, yes. If you are some dumb folks looking to just get murdered, I know just the place for you. New New York’s hottest club is Jan’s New Big Pic. Discovered by lackluster gay realtor named Anthony who is late for every viewing. This park’s slope slap bucket gives new meaning to the question. Is that the little woman who played the principal in Kindergarten Cop? This place has everything. Espestes, lupes, magazines of Super Cuts, Dan Cortese, a doorman who always high-fives children of divorce, a building that you can tell used to be McDonald’s. And if the bar isn’t your scene, head downstairs to see the Prosac Dobe Brothers.

[Cut to Michael Che and Stefon]

Michael Che: What are the Prosac Dobe Brothers?

[Cut to Stefon]

Stefon: It’s that thing of when a woman in a depression commercial gets better at the end, so they show her at a smooth jazz concert.

[Cut to Michael Che and Stefon]

Michael Che: Stefon, I know New York has changed with the new mayor but there’s gotta be a few upscale places for people to check out.

Stefon: Okay, yes, yes. Witsy stuff.

[Cut to Stefon]

If you’re well to do and you just gotta hunt humans, I know just the place for you. New New York’s hottest club is [Stefon makes an unusual sound] Located where Donald Trump Jr.’s chin should have been. His wealthy wack-sack opened it’s doors and the two hours between when Pharaoh Faucet and Michael Jackson died. Needless to say, this place has everything. Skunks, key fobs, cookie crisps, Dan Cortese, that backroom at footlocker that employees disappear into. There’s even an after hour’s bar filled with human defubilators.

[Cut to Michael Che and Stefon]

Michael Che: What is human defubilators?

[Cut to Stefon]

Stefon: It’s a thing of when your friend is having heart attack, so you take two midgets and you rub them on the carpet for electricity and then they yell, “Clear! Jhoodosh!”

[Cut to Michael Che and Stefon]

Michael Che: Alright, look Stefon, I appreciate what you’re trying to do here and I know you’re a friend of Update, but I think you should go.

Stefon: You’re right. I should go. The husband wants to drive up to wedding tomorrow to look for houses.

Michael Che: Wait a second. You’re looking for houses? You’re not drinking or eating sushi? Stefon, is there something that you want to tell us?

[Cut to Stefon]

Stefon: I’m pregnant!

[Cut to Colin Jost, Michael Che and Stefon]

Michael Che: Congratulations.

Stefon: Thank you so much. I’d like, you know, if we keep it.

Michael Che: Stefon, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che!

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.

Weekend Update Pete Davidson

Michael Che

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: After having problems last year, the BET ne2rk has announced a ‘No guns’ policy for their Michael Che0Pete Davidson4 Hip Hop Awards. Here to comment is a hip hop fan, Pete Davidson.

[cheers and applause]

[Pete Davidson slides in]

Pete Davidson: Yo, what up?

Michael Che: Pete, why does an award show need a ‘No guns’ policy?

Pete Davidson: Well, what people need to understand is that this type of behavior happens when you wear a gold chain. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I did something stupid this summer. I bought this gold chain. I really bought it. And here’s some advice I wish I knew when buying a gold chain. The fake ones look exactly like the real ones. I also notice that your chain is your personality. Like, it gives you too much confidence. Like, buying the chain was stupid because I already have rapper posture. You know, rappers have bad posture because they wear these gold chains and it weighs them down. I have bad posture because I hate myself.

I bought it because I was watching MTV and my favorite rapper came on. His name is 2 Chainz. I don’t know if you’ve heard of him. He’s a real person. You know? You know he’s a real person because he says he’s real in every song. Like, out of nowhere, he’ll just be like, “I’m real.” Oh, my god! I had no idea, 2 Chainz. This whole time.

Anyways, I was watching 2 Chainz and in the middle of the rap song, he just goes, “You’re a bitch if you ain’t got a chain.” And I was like, “Well, I’m not a bitch.” So, I went out and I spent half of my net worth on this gold chain. It was just a bad decision. I can’t wear this outside. I’m 6’3″, Pete Davidson45 pounds. I have a problem with wind. Plus, if I wear a gold chain, I will get stoned immediately. I might as well walk through the hood with it and scream, “Dinner’s ready.” So now, I just wear it around the house so that it gives me confidence.

[Cut to Michael Che and Pete Davidson]

Michael Che: Well, does it work?

Pete Davidson: Yeah! Like, yesterday I was eating my dinner and I couldn’t finish it. So, I put the chain on and I finished it.

Michael Che: Pete Davidson, everybody!

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Yogi Berra at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Police in New Jersey are saying that someone broke into the Yogi Berra museum and stole several pieces of the Yankee great’s memorabilia. The suspect was described as 5’7″, white and definitely Billy Crystal.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Comic Con on right top corner.]

Michael Che: This weekend, there’s New York Comic Con. The annual gathering of people whose comic books and genitals are kept in mint condition.

[Picture changes to a card and a receipt]

A new restaurant is opening in Philadelphia that will pay it’s waitress $Colin Jost3 an hour but will not allow customers to tip them. The no tipping policy has been in effect for years among it’s black customers. I’m kidding. That’s a myth. Black people tip. I tip like 65% … of the time.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Delaware map]
Colin Jost: A Delaware woman was arrested after her 4 year old daughter found packets of heroine in her bag, then passed them out to the other children in her daycare class. But on the bright side, those kids are now fantastic blues musicians.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’ a picture of a Norway flag and a reindeer.]

Michael Che: New research shows that reindeers in Norway have an unusually high level of radiation due to dust from the 1986 to noble meltdown. In fact, you could even say that they glow.

[picture changes to British flag and a mobile phone]

British prosecutors are now saying that now anyone caught posting revenge porn could face up to Colin Jost4 years in prison. So, you better not post that video we made, Peppa!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Geno Smith at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: On Friday, embattled New York Jets quarterback Geno Smith celebrated his Michael Che4th birthday. Sadly, when Smith blew out the candles, his birthday wish was intercepted and returned for a touchdown.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s weekend update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che at their news set.]

Michael Che: Good evening. Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Malala Yousafzai at left top corner.]

Pakistani teenager Malala Yousafzai who is Colin Jost7 has become the youngest person ever to win the Noble Peace Price. So, a Pakistani teenager literally can change the world while American teenagers literally can’t even.

[Picture changes to the JFK airport and Ebola virus.]

Federal officials have begun screening for Ebola at New York’s JFK airport for all travelers arriving from west Africa. They are focusing on JFK because not even Ebola would go to Laguardia.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Secret Service logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The White House is denying claim that it covered up evidence of Secret Service agents sleeping with the prostitute in Michael Che0Colin JostMichael Che. Which apparently was the last time the Secret Service was on top of anything.

[Picture changes to the US country colored as LGBTQ flag.]

After the supreme court declined the rule on the issue of same sex marriage, it is now legal in 30 states. I’m happy for same sex couples, but I feel bad for a group of people that still get ignored in this country, and that’s gay dudes who really, really don’t want to get married and had really good excuse not to for so long. I know there are some dead big gay boyfriends out there like, “Yo! Carl! You know I wanna marry you.” “But, society man! Just won’t let us. Oh, well. I guess we gotta just keep boning casually till the world gets it’s tact together.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Kim Jong Un at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The mystery surrounding the well being in location of North Korean leader, Kim Jong Un deepened Friday when he missed a ceremony paying tribute to his late father and grandfather. Some think he has been overthrown, but my money’s on more of [picture changes to a boy in Winnie the Pooh cartoon pulling Kim Jong Un out of a hole instead of Pooh bear.] a Winnie the Pooh type situation.

Weekend Update Garage and Her on the Female Thor

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Garage… Kate McKinnon

Her… Sarah Silverman

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: This week, Marvel comics debut it’s latest character, female version of Thor, prompting a lot of controversy amongst comic book fans. And here to comment is the feminist music duo, Garage and Her.

[Garage and Her slide in with a guitar]

[cheers and applause]

Garage: It’s pronounced Gara-Che, Michael.
Michael Che: Oh! And you’re Gara-Che?

Garage: Yes. Gara-Che. It means strength, in a Himalayan mountain language that I looked upon the internet.

Michael Che: And you’re Her?

Her: No, I’m me.

Michael Che: What have you been up to?

[Cut to Garage and Her

Her: Uh! We just finished our biggest tour ever.

Garage: It was one night. It was magical. And it was poorly attended.

[Cut to Garage, Michael Che and Her]

Michael Che: So, what do you think about this new female Thor character?

Her: Thor has always been a woman, Michael.

Garage: Anyone who has strength is a woman.

[Cut to Garage and Her]

Her: Anyone who has courage is a woman.

Garage: And Michael, there are a lot more women out there than you think. Two, three, four…

[Garage starts playing guitar]

Garage and Her: The wind is a woman
the earth is a woman
fire is a woman
and the clouds are women too. 

the girl is a woman
a dog can be a woman
a baby is a lady
and a plant, a plant can have a boob

Garage: Take it, take it.

Her: You can be a woman
he show F.R.I.E.N.D.S. is a woman
garbanzo beans is a woman
and San Diego too

Garage: Jesus was a woman
Italians are woman
Walt Disney was a woman
and Pixar, Pixar has a pointed shoe

[Garage stops playing guitar]

Okay, stop. I have to change the key.

[Cut to Michael Che, Her and Garage]

Michael Che: [pointing at what Her is holding] Is that even an instrument?

[Cut to Garage and Her]

Her: Yes, it’s a Chimone. It makes a really shuttle sound. Is this my– um, where is my microphone? It sounds like this. [Her makes chewing sound]

[Cut to Michael Che, Her and Garage]

Her: And it grades cheese.

Michael Che: Oh!

Garage: And it is also a woman. Two, three, four…

[Cut to Garage and Her]

Garage and Her: The brand of cat food Adabi is a strong Christian woman
male gay is a mistress and aerobic’s cuba queen.

Garage: My guitar is a woman

Garage and Her: Bill Marr is a woman.
each tapeworm is a woman
and a woman, a woman is me.
and a woman, a woman is me.

[Garage stops playing guitar]

[Cut to Michael Che, Her and Garage]

Michael Che: Garage and Her, everyone.

Garage: Michael Che, you’re a woman.

Michael Che: Thank you. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Garage: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.