Tag: episode 5

Swiftamine

Cecily Strong

Taran Killam

Chris Rock

Dr. David Doctor… Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

Vanessa Bayer

Aidy Bryant

Leslie Jones

[Starts with a woman jogging in a park]

Cecily: For years, I suffered from vertigo.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Out of nowhere I’d feel dizzy, disoriented and even nauseous.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: Dremamine helped my flashes upside. And I hadn’t had a flair up in years.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Years.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Years.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Until recently.

[Cut to Cecily jogging]

Cecily: I was jogging listening to spotiy.

[Cut to Taran on his laptop]

Taran: Casually browsing iTunes.

[Cut to Chris driving his car]

Chris: Flipping through the radio.

Cecily: And I heard this new song that I loved.

Taran: I loved.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: I looked to see who it was and that’s when the vertigo hit.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: It was Taylor Swift.

Chris: Taylor Swift.

Taran: Taylor Swift. The whole room started spinnin.

Chris: I felt nauseous. I don’t like Taylor Swift. I know I don’t.

[Cut to the doctor]

Dr. David Doctor: Yes, you do. You friggin lover. Hi, I’m neorologist Dr. David Doctor. Over that last one month, realizing you love Taylor Swift has become the leading cause of vertigo in adults. That’s why, now, there’s Swiftamine. The fast acting antihistamine tablet that’s pink and bubbly, just like Taylor herself.

[Cut to Kenan and his daughters]

Kenan: I took my daughters to a Taylor Swift concert. I did not want to go. I do not get it. But as soon as the concert started, I was on the ground. My daughters say I was slurring the words. And those words were, “Girl can write a song.” They gave me Swiftamine.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: I never got into Taylor Swift because in interview, she’s always like, “I’m Taylor Swift.” It’s like, no. Then the other day, I found myself humming ‘Shake it off’ and I got so dizzy, I fell into traffic. Thanks a lot, Taylor. Just kidding. You’re amazing.

[Cut to Dr. David Doctor]

Dr. David Doctor: Medically speaking, Taylor Swift on set vertigo occurs when one of her songs forces your brain to fight your ears. Your frontal lobe says, “Oof, Taylor Swift. She’s always wearing, like, a Cecily9Kenan0’s bathing suit.” But your ear is saying, “Shut up. This is a perfect song. [Cut to Aidy dancing in a club.] Taylor Swift on set vertigo can strike anytime, any place.

[cut to Leslie in the club]

Leslie: Oh, man! This beat is banging. Who is it?

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Taylor Swift.

Leslie: What?

Aidy: [in slow motion and heavy sound] Taylor Swift.

[Cut to Leslie getting triggered]

Leslie: I freaking love Taylor Swift?

[Cut to Dr. David Doctor]

Dr. David Doctor: Swiftamine, for when you realize you love Taylor Swift.

[Leslie gets in dancing behind the doctor]

Leslie: Baby! She got me.

Shark Tank

Cindi… Aidy Bryant

Kevin O’Leary… Beck Bennett

Barbara Corcoran… Kate McKinnon

Daymond John… Kenan Thompson

Mark Cuban… Taran Killam

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi… Kyle Mooney

Abdul Rakim… Chris Rock

[Starts with Shark Tank intro]

Announcer: Welcome back to the Shark Tank where hopeful entrepreneurs try to grow their business with investment from these self made millionaires. Before the break, Cindi from Tulsa tried to win over the two remaining sharks with her Breakfast Pastas.

[Cut to Cindi in the show]

Cindi: So, sharks. Whether it’s pancakes alfredo or spaghetti’s benedict, why not jazz up your morning with Cindi’s breakfast pastas and pancakes?

[Cut to the sharks]

Kevin O’Leary: Nausiating, I’m out.

[Cut to Kevin O’Leary and Barbara Corcoran]

Barbara Corcoran: I like your product. But the only thing I eat for breakfast is a single vitamin and two diet cokes. I’m out.

[Cut to Cindi]

Cindi: I am ruined.

Announcer: Cindi goes home with nothing. But will the sharks bite this time? Next in the tank, it’s Abdul and Ibri, with an idea they say will revolutionize the world.

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: Hello sharks. I am Ibraham Al’Bagdadi.

Abdul Rakim: And I am Abdul Rakim. And our organization is called ISIS.

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: We started with a simple question. How do you read the world of the filthy western pig and the vile Jew?

Abdul Rakim: Now, just a few years later, our small hateful perversion of Islam has grown into a multinational brand.

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: But there’s just one problem. ISIS is growing, TOO FAST. Our resources are too thin. And we need your expertise to help manage our growth.

Abdul Rakim: We are seeking 400 million American dollars in exchange for a Cindi% stake in our new kingdom. So, who is ready to invest in crushing the west?

[Cut to Mark Cuban]

Mark Cuban: Back up. You just gave yourself a evaluation of $Daymond John0 billion. How are you getting that number?

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Abdul Rakim: Well, Mark Cuban, we are making $Mark Cuban million a day on stolen oil.

[Cut to Mark Cuban]

Mark Cuban: Wow. Now that is interesting.

[Cut to Kevin O’Leary and Barbara Corcoran]

Barbara Corcoran: Okay, first of all it’s taking a lot of courage to look you in the eye. And I like that about you. But here’s my problem honey, I’m hearing ISIS, ISIS, ISIS, but your pamplets say ISIL. You’re lacking unified brands.

Kevin O’Leary: Barbara’s right and I don’t need a pamplet. I need numbers. You say you’re growing fast. Show me.

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: For you Mr. Wonderful, of course. Alwajj! [Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi, Abdul Rakim and a map]

Abdul Rakim: This map shows our land holdings.

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: We now control this entire region of unusable land.

[Cut to Kevin O’Leary]

Kevin O’Leary: Okay, so what’s so special about your Islamic states? What’s stopping me from going out and doing the exact same thing?

[Cut to Daymond John]

Daymond John: Wait, wait, wait. Back up a minute. How have you managed to grow this fast?

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: Two things, Daymond. A crack social media team and good old fashioned, word of bullet.

Abdul Rakim: By the way Daymond, we are prepared to make your clothing brand Fubu the official retailer of the Islamic states.

[Cut to Daymond John]

Daymond John: I’m listening.

[Cut to Daymond John and Mark Cuban]

Mark Cuban: No, no. Hold on. Just a second, Daymond. When numbers seen too good to be true, they usually are. Genocidal regimes are very tricky business. I’ve been burned before. For that reason, I’m out.

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi, Abdul Rakim and the other presenters. The other presenters are putting guns at Mark Cuban]

Abdul Rakim: Stay calm. Stay calm. Mark cuban, surely you can reach a deal with us. You can sign if you can sign Dirk Lewinsky for $25 million.

[Cut to Barbara Corcoran]

Barbara Corcoran: Okay, here’s where I’m at boys. We gotta talk about this logo. I mean, honestly guys, it looks like it was drawn in Microsoft Paint.

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: Barbara, we have heard this before. That’s why we kidnapped a graphic designer and chained him to an iMac. Take a look at the new Isis. Alwajj!

[They show the logo of ISIS. The logo has a chameleon.

[Cut to Daymond John]

Daymond John: Come on, man.

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: Funny gecko, yeah?

[Cut to Kevin O’Leary]

Kevin O’Leary: I’m sorry. It takes more than a logo to win Mr. Wonderful. I’m out.

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Abdul Rakim: May you turn and burn to death with dogs.

[Cut to Kevin O’Leary]

Kevin O’Leary: That’s the fifth time I’ve heard that today.

[Cut to Barbara Corcoran]

Barbara Corcoran: You know what? I like you guys. You’re savvy. Your numbers are amazing. But there’s only one thing holing you back and that’s everything you stand for. I’m out.

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: May you only have daughters]

[Cut to Barbara Corcoran]

Barbara Corcoran: You know, you remind me of the bad guys in the bible.

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Abdul Rakim: Daymond, you’re our only hope.

[Cut to Daymond John]

Daymond John: Well, you know what? I knew I was going to make money with you guys the second you walked into the tank today.

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Both: Yes?

[Cut to Daymond John]

Daymond John: Because that’s when I called homeland security to collect your $30 million bounty.

[Cut to everybody]

[Police enter the show]

Police: Freeze! Drop your weapons.

Barbara Corcoran: Nice played, Daymond.

Daymond John: Thank you very much.

Barbara Corcoran: Very good.

Prince – Clouds Live

[Starts with Chris rock announcing at SNL stage]

Chris Rock: Ladies and gentlemen, you are so lucky tonight. Welcome Prince.

[cheers and applause]

[music playing]

[Cut to Prince and La Havas singing and playing with his band.]

Prince and La Havas: In this brand new age we do everything
Quick, fast, in a hurry
All of our life’s a stage
Everybody stars, reality so blurry
If you scream out loud, loud
Top of your voice be higher than the crowd (no)
Tattoo-less and proud, yeah
We’ll get to something higher that doesn’t require clouds
No, we don’t need no clouds, no

You should never underestimate the power of
A kiss on the neck, when she doesn’t expect
A kiss on the neck, when she doesn’t expect
A kiss on the neck
And every time you catch her singin’ in the shower
You should go and get a flower
Don’t matter what the hour
Just rub it on her back, rub it on her back, rub it on her back
La Havas: When life’s a stage, in this brand new age

How do we engage?
Bullying just for fun
No wonder there’s so many guns
Maybe we’re better off in space

[La Havas leaves the stage. Prince enters playing guitar]

[music changes]

[Prince playing guitar solo]

 

Prince – Another Love Live

[Starts with Prince and the band performing.]

[music playing]

Prince: You said I was what you wanted
Liar, liar.
You never wanted me that way. no
I was just something you flaunted
Hired and fired
U never had a plant to stay…
If you don’t like it, round here,
Find another love, another love.
Anyone can see it’s so clear
I’ll find another, another, another, another love
If you don’t like this baby
Find another, another love
You don’t have a right to fake it

Move on, move on,
Move on, move on,
Find another love, find another love.

You got to find another love.

I used to think I was so much fun
Now I’m just the guilty one
Everything we used 2 share
Our clothes and even our hair.
Now all you see is what I did
But how come I can’t tell me that kid
Behind my back I’m just a so and so
But I’m the greatest living soul
you’ll ever know

[music stops]

How’s He Doing with Chris Rock

Host… Kenan Thompson

Ronnie Williams… Jay Pharoah

Natalie Dickerson… Sasheer Zamata

Denice London… Leslie Jones

Kevin Michael Jakes… Chris Rock

[Starts with intro of “How’s He Doing?”]

[Cut to Host]

Host: Welcome to “How’s He Doing?” The show where the black voter takes a frank honest look at president Obama and asks, “How’s he doing?” You’re watching this because it’s too early for football but too late for church. Well, the mid term elections are on Tuesday. And it doesn’t look good for the president. Since we last checked, Obama’s approval rating has dropped by 5 points to hit a record low of 41%. But even worse than that, the president’s approval rating among black voters has dropped 7 points, all the way down to 92%. Joining me to discuss this dip, is our unbiased panel. Ronnie Williams is a writer for Everyday magazine.

[Cut to Ronnie Williams shaking his head]

[Cut to Host]

Host: Natalie Dickerson is a senior editor for black voices on the Hovinton post.

[Cut to Natalie Dickerson smiling and waving]

[Cut to Host]

Host: Denice London is a cultural critic from Vibe.

[Cut to Denice London]

[Cut to Host]

Host: And Kevin Michael Jakes, host to show called “Shaking my head” on serious FM’s new ‘Um-um’ channel.

[Cut to Kevin Michael Jakes just staring at the camera]

Kevin Michael Jakes: Good to be here.

[Cut to everybody]

Host: All right, well the main terms are looking bleak. [Cut to Host] Republicans are likely going to take the senate. And many Americans have been disappointed with the president’s handling of the ebola crisis, immigration and ISIS. So, I’m asking. For real. Should we have voted for Mitt Romney?

[Cut to everybody. Everybody laughs.]

[Cut to Host]

Host: Hell no. [laughing] Hell no. Come on now. Ay, come on! You heard me. I even said, “For real” that time. Oh! I do love to laugh in the morning. But seriously, people don’t think that president is doing enough about ebola.

[Cut to Ronnie Williams and Natalie Dickerson]

Ronnie Williams: Okay, look. One American had died from ebola. One. Okay? Kim Kardashain has claimed more black victims than ebola. Come on, now.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Yeah, but still it is scary.

[Cut to Natalie Dickerson]

Natalie Dickerson: Well, then be safe. Why people keep talking about how they are afraid to catch disease while they’re kissing their dog on the mouth?

[Cut to Host]

Host: Oh, they love doing that.

[Cut to Denice London and Kevin Michael Jakes]

Denice London: I know how you got ebola. From the pitbull you rescued from the land field.

Kevin Michael Jakes: Why are people so proud about a dog they got for free? You don’t hear me bragging about the cologne I rescued from this magazine.

[Cut to Host]

Host: You don’t, you really don’t. Um-umm. Moving on. Many people are saying that Obama wasn’t prepared for the rise of ISIS. We seem to cast administration by surprise.

[Cut to Natalie Dickerson]

Natalie Dickerson: You can’t blame the president for being distracted. He’s got people running into his house.

[cut to Kevin Michael Jakes]

Kevin Michael Jakes: How are these people getting into the White House so easy? The president of the United States should have better security than Taye Diggs. I mean, run in the R. Kelly’s yacht and see what happens.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Absolutely. Absolutely. Alright, let’s move on to What Would It Take? Our weekly segment where we ask what would it take for Barack Obama to lose your support? Would the president lose your support if he radically changed his hairstyle?

[Cut to Ronnie Williams]

Ronnie Williams: Depends on hairstyle.

[Cut to Host]

Host: A Jerry curl.

[Cut to Kevin Michael Jakes]

Kevin Michael Jakes: He could bring a Jerry curl back. I mean, Icecube made some of his best albums with a Jerry curl.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Okay. Dreadlocks.

[Cut to Ronnie Williams and Natalie Dickerson]

Ronnie Williams: Uh-huh. You mean like clean style dreadlocks, right? Like Larry Fitzgerald?

[Cut to Host]

Host: No, no. I’m talking about three thick dirty dreadlocks for his entire head.

[Cut to Denice London and Kevin Michael Jakes]

Denice London: Oh, no!

Kevin Michael Jakes: Hell, no! Any man above Denice London0 with dreadlocks better have a PhD.

[Cut to Host]

Host: So he loses your vote?

[Cut to Kevin Michael Jakes]

Kevin Michael Jakes: No!

[Cut to Host]

Host: All right, well next. Sasha and Maliya talk back to Barack in public and he does nothing.

[Cut to Denice London]

Denice London: Okay, um, he probably whoop him after company leaves, right?

[Cut to Host]

Host: He does not whoop them. He does not do anything.

[Cut to Kevin Michael Jakes]

Kevin Michael Jakes: Okay, but- but he gave them the look, right? I mean, sometimes all you need is the look.

[Cut to Host]

Host: He did not give them the look. He looks down and away.

[Cut to Ronnie Williams]

Ronnie Williams: Well, I mean they’re nice young ladies. So, I’m sure whatever they said wasn’t that bad.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Barack said, “Y’all get up to bed now.” And they said, “Shut up, bitch! We watching scandal.”

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Oh, hell no!

[cut to Natalie Dickerson]

Natalie Dickerson: I’m sorry. You cannot have your kids talk to you that way. You are the president. You need to command respect.

[cut to Host]

Host: So, does he lose your vote?

[Cut to Natalie Dickerson]

Natalie Dickerson: He does not.

[Cut to Host]

Host: There we go. That’s today’s show. Join us next time when we ask, “First MPD, guilty or incredibly guilty?” I’ll ball with incredibly guilty.

[Ends with outro]

Dance Vlog

Janelle… Sasheer Zamata

Teddy Pascalis… Kyle Mooney

Dad… Chris Rock

Michael… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Jannele starting her youtube video]

Janelle: What’s up YouTube? It’s your girl Janelle, A.K.A. Nasty-nelle, A.K.A. Janelle. And I’m pumped to bring you my Dad00th dance tutorial. Shoutout to whoever started that countdown to my Janelle8th birthday. Don’t know what that’s about but whatever. We’re live streaming today, so holla at me in the comment section. And holla at my best friend, he’s one of my day ones. His name is Teddy Pascalis, A.K.A. Pants Gets Wets.

Teddy Pascalis: Nobody calls me that anymore.

Janelle: Yes they do. Anyway, we’re gonna learn the Nae Nae today. A move that came from early African dance, or Miley Cyrus.

[Teddy Pascalis walks in front of the camera]

Teddy Pascalis: Yes, and just so you guys know, dancing is one of my biggest fears. Right after spiders and my older brother Dyan. But I’ll do it for you. [stares at Janelle] I’ll do anything for you.

Janelle: [not noticing] I know, you say it everyday. Okay, [music starts] in order to Nae Nae, [Janelle and Teddy Pascalis stand to dance] you gotta put one arm up like this, right? Teddy, put a little higher. Now, start moving your hips. It’s real easy. All right, get in there. [Janelle is dancing but Teddy Pascalis is just moving his body.]

[Dad opens the door and enters the room]

Dad: Hey, hey, Janelle. You’re Janelle5 now. You cannot have the door closed. And there’s a boy in your room. Dad! Oh my god! [music stops] He’s not a boy. He’s just Teddy.

Teddy Pascalis: Yeah.

Janelle: Can you please leave? It’s live streaming.

Dad: Oh, I’m not going anywhere. Your brother told me you’re up here dancing on the internet.

[Michael peeking from the door]

Michael: I did. I told on you. Ooh! You in trouble. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Dad: Michael! Go sweep the driveway.

Michael: Dad! That’s not even a real chore.

Dad: What’s all this?

Janelle: Those are my fans, dad. They are just commenting on the video.

Dad: Okay. [Dad comes close to the computer] Who is Nuggettugget9-5, and why is he saying, “#woodbang”? What the hell is fap? I’m fapping. She makes me wanna fap. Michael! [Michael runs in] What’s fap mean?

Michael: Um, it’s what you caught me doing in my bedroom and we still haven’t talked about it.

[Michael runs out]

Dad: What? Hey, no fapping!

Janelle: Dad, you’re embarrassing me in front of my just my friend.

Teddy Pascalis: I love you.

Janelle: Argh! Dad, can I just finish doing the Nae Nae?

[Janelle starts dancing a little]

Dad: That’s too grown!

Janelle: Okay fine. I’ll show you guys the copperhead. It’s easy. It’s like a standing push up. I barely even move.

Dad: I’m watching you.

[Janelle is showing how to do the copperhead]

Teddy! Keep your hands out of pockets!

Janelle: Okay, let’s try with the music. [music starts and Janelle starts the move]

[Janelle starts to shake her butt turning back]

Dad: No, no, no, no! [Dad runs to the computer and starts pressing random buttons on the keyboard.]

Janelle: Dad!

Dad: What’s happening? [He turned the video black & white]

Janelle: Dad! You’re changing the filter. Dad! Stop it!

Dad: Janelle. Either you don’t realize how much your body has matured over the summer, or you’re literally trying to kill me.

Janelle: Dad, there’s nothing sexy about that dance.

Dad: Oh, yeah? Teddy, stand up!

[Teddy is sitting with a pillow covering his lap to stomach.]

Teddy Pascalis: No, thank you sir.

Janelle: What dance am I supposed to do, dad? This is a dance vlog, and it means everything to me.

Dad: Okay, I’ll show you what dancing is. Put on some song.

[Janelle plays a music]

[Dad looking at the camera] No fapping!

[Dad starts dancing]

See Janelle? This is dancing. Whoo! [Janelle starts dancing like her dad] Get it! There you go!

[Janelle slowly starts moving her body differently and then dances her own dance.]

Hey! Hey! Stop it!

Janelle: I can’t help it, dad. This is what my body wants to do.

Dad: Do you want me to send you to Catholic school?

Janelle: Oh, my god! Dad! You ruined this for my 3 million viewers. I hate you.

[Janelle walks out]

Dad: 3 million? Teddy go home.

Teddy Pascalis: Still not a great time for me to stand up sir.

Dad: Oh, Teddy! [looking at the computer] How do you turn this thing off?

[Dad presses a button and changes the filter again.]

Ha-ha-ha-ha. I look crazy. The show is over.

[Live stream on YouTube ends.]

GoProbe

Jamie Fordyce…Taran Killam

TY Brown… Kyle Mooney

Rawson Silver… Beck Bennett

Doctor… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a picture of GoProbe]

[Cut to Jamie Fordyce with a surfing board wearing a surfing suit]

Jamie Fordyce: I’ve been doing this for long time, and there’s never been a camera like GoProbe.

[Cut to video clips of Jamie Fordyce surfing on the ocean waves]

[Cut to TY Brown with his skateboard]

TY Brown: Goes where you go, sees what you see.

[Cut to video clips of TY Brown skateboarding]

[Cut to Rawson Silver with his skiing board]

Rawson Silver: Is there anything GoProbe can’t do?

[Cut to video clips of Rawson Silver skiing]

[Cut to Jamie Fordyce]

Jamie Fordyce: I’ve had adventures all over the world, but when I turned 40, that was a whole new adventure.

[Cut to TY Brown]

TY Brown: I’m not scared to do a 960, but one thing that does scare me is my family’s history of calling cancer.

[Cut to Rawson Silver]

Rawson Silver: That’s why I use Go-Pro. [Cut to commercial shot of GoProbebe with it’s subtitle- ‘For Colonoscopy’]

Narrator: The first GoProbe camera for colonoscopies.

[Cut to Rawson Silver jumping around in a hospital]

Nurse: You ready sir?

Jamie Fordyce: Yeah, Drop in.

[Nurse starts the colonoscopy process]

Ouch!

[Cut to TY Brown lying down in a hospital, raising his legs upwards]

Doctor: Put your legs down sir.

[Cut to Jamie Fordyce in a hospital doing his colonoscopy]

Jamie Fordyce: Now, if I’m not bleeding or boarding, every six months, I’m splunking.

[Cut to Rawson Silver in mountain]

Rawson Silver: This ain’t your grandpa’s colonoscopy.

[Cut to old black&white video where they’re using huge filming camera for colonoscopy.]

[Cut to Jamie Fordyce on a beach]

Jamie Fordyce: You’ll be so stopped by the crystal clear picture, you’ll almost forget there’s a camera Rawson Silver feet up your butt.

[Cut to Jamie Fordyce, TY Brown and Rawson Silver drinking beer on a sofa watching TV]

Narrator: And, you can take the footage home and mess around with it.

[Cut to TY Brown at skateboarding park]

TY Brown: Plus, the 4k resolution makes the diagnosing problem hell simple.

[Cut to the doctor and Rawson Silver in the hospital]

Rawson Silver: Sick!

Doctor: Yes!

[cut to the GoProbe video bumper]

Narrator: Go deeper! GoProbe.

Chris Rock Monologue

Chris Rock

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Rock!

[The band is playing music]

[Chris Rock walks in and to the stage.]

[cheers and applause]

Chris Rock: Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you all. Hey, hey! I’m so excited. It’s great to be back. Great to be in New York. Great to be at Saturday Night Live. It’s great to be here the day after Halloween. I can’t believe some of y’all made it. [audience laughing] You know, yesterday was Halloween. Tomorrow’s the New York city marathon. Yes, scary.

What could go wrong there, right? New York’s gonna be fine. Just like Boston’s fine after the marathon. That Boston marathon was scary. That was scary, man. I love Boston. I love the people there. But that was probably the most frightening, sadistic, terrorist attack ever. Just think about it. 26 miles. 26 miles! [audience laughing] 26 miles is a long drive. [audience laughing] If you call up one of you friends and say, “Hey, man, I need you to pick me up.” “Where you at?” “About 26 miles away!” “You better get Uber!” 26 miles! People jogging for 26 miles. 26! Their knees are hurting. Their feet are killing them. If you’re a woman, your blood is coming out of your tities. [audience laughing] 26 miles! You’ve been training for a year. You finally get to the finish line and somebody screams, “Run!” Wow!

That is horrible, man! But hey, the good people of Boston bounced back. That’s right. And New York bounced back. That’s right. In New York, we had our own terrorist attack. And we bounced back. That’s right. Now, we got the Freedom Tower. Have you seen the Freedom Tower? You can see it no matter where you at. If you cannot see it from here, then you’re at Connecticut.

Freedom Tower, anywhere you look. They should change that to the Freedom Tower to “Never Going In There Tower.” Because I’m never going in there. [audience laughing] There is no circumstance that will ever get me in that building. Are you kidding me? [cheers and applause] My god! What do they have? Does this building duck? [audience laughing] What are they thinking? Who is the corporate sponsor? Target? [audience laughing] Stop it! In the same spot, they put another skyscraper? What kind of arrogant Floyd Mayweather crap is this? In the same? What businesses are they going to put in the Freedom Tower? They better put some mandatory stuff in there. Stuff that you can’t get out of, like IRS, family court, [audience laughing] DNV. Because if they put sunglass hut in there, it’s going to be empty. [audience laughing] I am never going in the Freedom Tower, man. Are you kidding me? The same spot! Hey, I got robbed in 48th about 20 years ago. I have not been back there. No. I am never going in the Freedom Tower. I don’t care if Scarlett Johansson is butt naked on the 89th floor in a plate of ribs, I’m not going in there. [audience laughing] No, no, no.

People are like, “Come on, man! Don’t joke about the Freedom Tower.” That’s has something to do with 9/11. Hey, I’m not joking about 9/11. I’m not! But you got to realize, we are in America. And in America, there are no sacred days because we commercialize everything. We’re only 5 years away from 9/11 sales. [audience laughing] That’s right, you’re going to hear it on the radio, “Come on down the Red Lobster. These shrimp are $9.11.” That’s right. It doesn’t matter what the holiday is. Martin Luther King day, it’s gotta be the same thing. You’re gonna be watching TV like, “These Toyotas are practically free at last, free at last!” [audience laughing] “These Toyotas are practically free at last.” This MLK birthday, Madias gotta dreams.”

It’s America. We commercialize everything. Look what we did to Christmas. Christmas! Christmas is Jesus’s birthday. It’s Jesus’s birthday. I don’t know Jesus. But from what I’ve read, Jesus is the least materialistic person to ever roam the earth. No bling on Jesus. Jesus kept a low profile and we turned his birthday into the most materialistic day of the year. Matter of fact, we have the Jesus’s birthday season. It’s a whole season of materialism. Then, at the end of the Jesus’s birthday season, we have the nerve to have an economist come on TV and tell you how horrible the Jesus birthday season was this year. “Oh, we had a horrible Jesus’s birthday this year. Hopefully business will pick up by his crucifixion. Yes! [audience laughing]

But you know, you try to help. Jesus tried to help– [cheers and applause] Jesus tried to help. Hey, I tried to help. You get hurt for helping. That’s what happens. I went down to Washington DC for a anti-gun event. Okay? Anti-gun thing at White House. I’m not big anti-gun but I just think there should be some regulations, just in case. The same way I can’t drive any nascar down the street, I shouldn’t be able to have a machine gun in my house across the street from the school, okay? It’s simple, right? [cheers and applause] No, no, no.

I go to this thing and there’s me and a bunch of celebrities. And we speak out against guns. Then I come home and I check out my website. I look at my website and there’s all these threats on there. “I’mma kill you. I’mma put one in your head. I’ll slit your throat. Don’t you dare come between me and my weapon.” And I realized, “Oh, my god! I need a gun!”  [audience laughing] I need a gun. And from that moment on, I said I will never get involved in any charity or cause for the rest of my life. You on your own. I don’t care what disease it is, I don’t care if it’s protecting kids, the environment, I don’t care. If you see me talking about disease, I got it! [audience laughing]

Hey, we got a great show for you tonight. Prince is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

[cheers and applause]