Tag: episode 5

Talking About Ghetto

Cecily Strong

Sasheer Zamata

Megan… Elizabeth Banks

Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with four ladies eating in a restaurant]

Cecily: I like the food here but the bathroom is ghetto as hell.

Sasheer: So ghetto.

Megan: Oh, my god. Yes.

Cecily: Like they sell those like, double faucet sink.
Vanessa: I know. I hate that. Like, what year is it? Please get it together.

Sasheer: Yeah. Speaking of ghetto, I took an Uber X here and for the first time my driver picked me up in a busted ass Toyota. And literally, his wife was in the front seat.

Megan: Whoa! That is so ghetto.

Sasheer: It was the worst.

Vanessa: Oh, my god. I would have just walked.

Cecily: Megan, how’s your living situation?

Megan: Oh, so ghetto. I’m still living with that poor family in low income government housing. And my roommate, Mr. Odis lost his job at the car wash again. So he doesn’t have his part of the rent for like, the millionth time. And now he’s back to selling pot again. So our apartment’s like, always filled with randoms.

Sasheer: You mean, literally in the ghetto?

Vanessa: Um, sounds really awful.

Cecily: Yeah, I’m sorry.

Megan: And the landlord was like, banging on our door all frigging night because he needs the rent money ‘right now’. For god knows what. And I’m like, “What the hell? Who needs $285 at 3 am. So ghetto.

Vanessa: So, yesterday I ran out of Sriracha and had to put Texas Pete in my Pad Thai.

Sasheer: [laughing] So ghetto.

Cecily: I had to eat sushi with a fork coz the delivery guy forgot to bring me chopsticks.

Megan: [laughing] The elevator in my building was broken again. So, I had to walk up like, 17 floors upstairs. Even though ones they go outside. And there was just like, some baby standing in the staircase. And he is literally wearing a pamper. Nothing else. I mean, how ghetto is that?

Vanessa: [nodding head] Um, very.

Sasheer: Was the baby okay?

Cecily: Did you call the cops?

Megan: Oh, as if. I freaking took out my phone to dial 911 and the baby literally said to me, “Snitches get stitches, bitch.” And I’m like, “Um, OMG. You’re literally three years old right now. What are you even saying?” And then he asked me if I was in Instagram coz apparently I have a fatty for a white girl.

Vanessa: Um, that’s actually the most ghetto thing I’ve ever heard.

Sasheer: Ya, why do you live there? Aren’t your parents loaded?

Megan: I mean, barely.

Cecily: Um, so, I went out for drinks with this guy and he literally asked me to split the bill.

Sasheer: Ew! That’s so ghetto.

Vanessa: I can’t even imagine. Guys are like, so cheap.

Megan: Ah! I asked to J’Marcus for a drink. He took me to a bodega. He bought me a gallon of fruit punch for $1.09 and then was so pissed that they raised the price 10 cents.

Cecily: Who is J’Marcus?

Megan: Oh, you know those nine guys that are always standing in front of my building?

Vanessa: Um, the guys that are always in winter coat even in the summer time?

Megan: Yes. But the one that’s always shirtless holding a pitbull leash but no pitbull on it.

Cecily: Okay.

Sasheer: Ya. I mean, he makes me so mad. One time I asked him to buy me cigarettes and he literally just bought me two. Two loose cigarettes. They weren’t even the same brand. It’s so ghetto.

Sasheer: Megan, you gotta get out of that neighborhood.

Cecily: Seriously, why are you there?

Megan: Coz, it’s only eleven bucks from the train. I’m in the city under two hours. And they have the best tacos.

Vanessa: Oh, I friggin love tacos.

Cecily: Right. I’ll basically eat anything from a truck.

[Jay walks in. He walks in with a shopping cart. He looks homeless.]

Jay: Ay! Is one of y’all name Megan?

Megan: Okay, that’s my Uber cart. So, see you gals.

[Megan gets on the cart]

Jay: So, you want some gum?

[Cecily, Sasheer and Vanessa are waving bye to Megan]

Cecily: That crackhead’s cart is so ghetto.

Vanessa: Um, let’s stop saying that forever.

Cecily and Sasheer: Yeah.

[The End]

Horny Song

Elizabeth Banks

Kate McKinnon

Vanessa Bayer

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

[Starts with five women’s music video intro. They’re all wearing white outfits.]

Elizabeth: Hey, boys. We love all of you. But this song is for a few special men.

Kate: The ones who ignited our flames.

Vanessa: Who opened our eyes.

Aidy: And who first taught us how to be truly horny.

Cecily: [singing] I was in seventh grade, watching Tiara
when I had a feeling I had never felt
It was Carson Daily in normal jeans
and the blackest nails I had ever seen
I got up on the couch
and I knocked my first one out

Kate: 1996, I first heard about
started getting sweaty in my thermal top
Dala Hanslin’s lips and his long blonde hair
the most gorgeous woman anywhere
and that’s how I could tell
that I was gay as hell

All: You let the spark inside of me
you let my teeny tiny boobies free
yeah, we never met and we never will
but I thank you still coz I first got horny to you

Elizabeth: My guy was hot as hell, a real authority
it was Mr. Sheful from the Nanny
he was so refined, it made me insane
but I still don’t know that actor’s name
I look him up on my phone
just a second we’re alone

[music stops. Elizabeth is looking for him on her phone and all the other girls are watching.]

Charles Johnassy

Girls: Oh! Hmm…

[music begins]

Vanessa: Okay now, it’s me, mine is pretty bad
its those guys who kill their mom and dad
and the Mendez brothers, they were cute and young
I think Eric was the hotter one

Elizabeth: Vanessa, this is on TV

Vanessa: Oh right! Then I’ll say JTT.

All: You let the spark inside of me
you were my porn in 1993
and I never saw you without a shirt
but it still works, coz I first got horny to you

Aidy: I came alive back in 94, I felt for a carnivore
that’s right, the hunting son from dinosaur
I would sit on my hands and scoop
to a man in a lizard suit

All: You let the spark inside of me
other time just for me
I was on pillow put it down
and just go to tell when I first got horny to you

Kate: So horny, yeah!

All: When I first got horny to you
coz I first got horny to you

[Cut to the dinosaur opening his dinosaur mask in front of Aidy. He is so old that Aidy starts screaming out of fear.]

[The End]

Elizabeth Banks Monologue

Elizabeth Banks

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Elizabeth Banks.

[Elizabeth Banks walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Elizabeth Banks: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. I hope I look okay. I just came from the gym. You may know me from the Hunger Games movies where I play Effie Trinket. I think we have a couple of Trinket heads in the audience tonight.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney wearing wig and make-up as Effie Trinket in the audience]

Kyle: [Screaming] Yes!

[Cut to Elizabeth Banks]

Elizabeth Banks: Now, most of you probably know me as an actress but I also recently caught the directing bug. That’s right. I directed Pitch Perfect 2. And I honestly don’t know what I like more. Being in front of the camera or behind it because I really see things as a director now. Like, I’m noticing that this shot is just a scooch tight. You’re kind of losing the dress. Let me ask our director. Hey Don.

Don: Yes, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth Banks: Do me a favor. Pop out a smidge.

Don: You got it.

[The camera zooms out a little bit. You can see Elizabeth Banks’s dress better now.]

Elizabeth Banks: Perfect! Great! I might give a few more notes as we go.

Don: Please don’t.

Elizabeth Banks: Oh, no. That’s right. It’s your show. It’s just… ah! I’m so unbelievably excited to be up here right now. So, I’m gonna take this one. Cue music.

[music playing]

Lights to half.

[Lights dim a little]

Yeah, that’s nice. Microphone.

[Someone hands over a micto Elizabeth Banks]

And cue talent.

[singing] First when there’s nothing
but a slow blowing dream

B camera.

[Cut to Elizabeth Banks from B camera angle]

That your fears seem to high
deep inside your mind

Give me a close up.

[Cut to Elizabeth Banks from close up shot]

All alone I have cried

Too close!

[Close up shot slowly zooms out]

silent tears for the price

Better.

In a world made of steel
made of stone

Let’s loose this dress and get funky!

[two helpers come in and start opening Elizabeth Banks’s dress.]

Well I feel the music

Cue, snow.

[artificial snow stars pouring on the stage]

close my eyes, feel the rhythm

Go stars!

[a sparkling star appears on the screen]

Round, take a whole of my heart

Up to the sky cam.

[Cut to Elizabeth Banks from the top Ariel-view angle]

What a feeling

Cue dancers!

[four white dancers join Elizabeth Banks on the stage]

please believe it.

More diverse dancers.

[two black dancers join them]

I can have it all
now I’m dancing for my love
take a pressure

Star wipe!

make it happen

More star wipes!

pictures come alive
you can dance right through your love

Cue, the treadmill.

[Elizabeth Banks walks on the treadmill on the stage.]

Now, I feel the music

Green screen.

[The screen shows as Elizabeth Banks is walking on the clouds.]

close my eyes, I am rhythm

Downtown.

[The screen shows as Elizabeth Banks is walking in a downtown street.]

in a flash, it takes whole of my heart
like this big octopus.

[The screen shows an octopus behind Elizabeth Banks]

What a feeling
please believe it

I’m gonna cross, follow me camera.

[Elizabeth Banks runs to the middle of the stage]

I can have it all now
I’m dancing for my love

Count in, we have a big finish.

[Cecily, Bobby, Taran and Sasheer come in and dance]

Take your passion

Not Bobby. Lose Bobby.

[Bobby leaves the stage]

make it happen

Sasheer’s got a GoPro.

[Cut to shot from Sasheer’s GoPro. Elizabeth Banks is looking at the camera as the camera is moving.]

pictures come alive
you can dance right through your love

[Center up]

For the feeling!

[The song ends. Taran, Cecily, Elizabeth Banks and Sasheer do the ending pose. Bobby runs in and does the ending pose too.]

[cheers and applause]

Okay! I got it out of my system. We’ve got a great show. Disclosure is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Aron’s List

Vanessa Bayer

Dan… Pete Davidson

George… Bobby Moynihan

Terry… Jay Pharoah

Plumber… Beck Bennett

Carpenter… Kenan Thompson

Piano Tuner…Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Vanessa looking at the laptop]

Male voice: Shopping online is as easy as it gets. Wouldn’t it be great if hiring plumbers, carpenters and even piano tuners was just as simple? Now it is, with Aron’s list. With just a few clicks, you can find anyone from a handy man to a house cleaner.

Vanessa: Like Angie’s List?

Male voice: Sure! Except we offer prices 30% lower than our competitors.

Vanessa: Wow, where do you find these guys, Aron?

Male voice: Oh, I’m not Aron. Aron’s stands for the American Registry Of Nonviolent Sex offenders.

[Cut to Vanessa looking at the plumber, carpenter and the piano tuner.

Vanessa: What?

Male voice: Look, no one wants to hire the bad kind of sex offender. That’s why, Aron’s list only features nonviolent individuals who committed low level sexual misdemeanors. Like, streaking, public urination, missed the cutoff on statutory stuff, toilet camera and penis pranks. And their offender status makes them eager to find jobs of any kind.

Vanessa: Huh! So, do you have lawn specialist?

[Cut to Dan, Lawn Care Specialist at the lawn]

Dan: I’m sorry and I’m ready to work.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: What about janitors for my small business?

[Cut to George, Janitor with his mop]

George: There are literally thousands of us.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Even dog walkers?

[Cut to Terry, Dog Walker]

Terry: I’ll do it

Male voice: And they’ll always be up front about their offenses.

[Cut to Dan]

Dan: I exposed myself on a jumbotron. Ha-ha. Take that kiss-cam!

[Cut to George]

George: I peed on all the file cabinets marked P.

[Cut to Vanessa with plumber, carpenter and the piano tuner in her house]

Vanessa: Wow, where have you guys been all my life?

Plumber: Let’s just say living in a tent village under the highway.

[Everybody laughing, while carpenter takes a picture of Vanessa’s under skirt using a selfie stick.]

Male voice: Aron’s list.  Because the real crime is high prices.

Women in the Workplace: Dealing with Diversity

Donna Fingerneck… Cecily Strong

Jodi Cork… Kate McKinnon

D’Angelo… Vanessa Bayer

T Harrison… Chris Rock

Aidy Bryant

Todd…Taran Killam

Jay Pharoah

[Starts with intro of “Women in the Workplace”.]

[Cut to Donna Fingerneck and Jodi Cork in their set]

Donna Fingerneck: Welcome. It’s me, Donna Fingerneck.

Jodi Cork: And as always, I’m Jodi Cork. Isn’t it hard being a woman in the workplace in the 1990s?

Donna Fingerneck: Sure can. That’s right. You’re watching. This video series. In previous lessons, you’ve learned how to dress for success, where to cry at work and excusing yourself from an important meeting.

Jodi Cork: Because you have to tinkle, or worse.

[Cut to Donna Fingerneck]

Donna Fingerneck: Today’s tape deals with diversity in the workplace. Have you ever gone to work and had a diverse person try to talk to you and you didn’t know where to look?

[Cut to Jodi Cork]

Jodi Cork: Or have you ever accidentally offended a diverse person so much that you walked into a closet and stayed there the rest of the day? Even though every time someone got their coat, they saw you in there?

[Cut to Donna Fingerneck and Jodi Cork]

Donna Fingerneck: Have you?

Jodi Cork: I have for sure.

Donna Fingerneck: And I did twice. So, I have more than once. Let’s watch this workplace simulation starring D’Angelo Tomae and T Harrison Cartel.

Jodi Cork: Will D’Angelo be able to work around T Harrison’s diversity?

Donna Fingerneck: Let’s view and see.

[Cut to D’Angelo and T Harrison]

D’Angelo: I wonder who they’ll hire to fill the boss position.

T Harrison: They’ve already done it, and it’s me.

D’Angelo: Oh, no, no. That can’t be right. Let’s start over.

T Harrison: Well, we can’t. I’m here and that’s the way it is. Let’s have a good working relationship.

[T Harrison gives his hand to D’Angelo to shake]

D’Angelo: I don’t know your handshakes. But I’ll try.

[T Harrison does her signature shake with clapping, finger snapping and dancing]

T Harrison: I don’t like that. I’m going to my office to listen to Shawday and try to forget you.

[T Harrison leaves]

[Cut to D’Angelo]

[Cut to Donna Fingerneck and Jodi Cork]

Donna Fingerneck: Did you see D’Angela went wrong? She’s over compensating too much. That makes her seem like a nervous bigot.

Jodi Cork: Or more.

Donna Fingerneck: She should make him feel welcome and appreciated by resting his chin on his shoulder and paying him a compliment.

Jodi Cork: Watch now as D’Angela puts this diversity truck in reverse-city.

Donna Fingerneck: See if you can spot the compliments she tells.

[cut to D’Angelo and T Harrison]

T Harrison: These files have to be filed all the way. You think you can handle that?

D’Angelo: Yes, sir. But first, let me pay you a compliment.

T Harrison: All right, I would like that.

[D’Angelo gets behind T Harrison and puts her chin on T Harrison’s shoulder.]

D’Angelo: Here it is and I mean that. I honestly bet you’re big down there.

T Harrison: Hmm, down there?

D’Angelo: Below your waist band, where your water comes out.

T Harrison: I am big down there. But that’s a stereotype for my wife to deal with. You’re almost fired.

[cut to Donna Fingerneck and Jodi Cork]

Donna Fingerneck: Oh, D’Angela. What a mess. She’s got he’s inks all over her face.

Jodi Cork: She needs to do major damage control and out-diverse him.

Donna Fingerneck: Show up in a wheel chair and tell her you’re a lesbian.

Jodi Cork: But be ready to go through with it, both of it.

Donna Fingerneck: Let’s see if D’Angela can turn her prejudice into preju-dat’s better!

[Cut to Aidy bring D’Angelo to the office on a wheel chair. T Harrison is watching.]

T Harrison: Wow, I didn’t know were a wheel chaired lesbian.

D’Angelo: Yes! For the rest of my life I think. Right honey?

Aidy: You know it.

[Cut to D’Angelo and Aidy kissing]

[Cut to D’Angelo, T Harrison and Aidy]

T Harrison: Wow. You’re even more diverse than me. You’re promoted.

[Todd walks in]

Todd: [in gay voice] Hey! That promotion was for me.

T Harrison: Sorry Todd.

D’Angelo, T Harrison and Aidy: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

[Cut to Donna Fingerneck and Jodi Cork]

Jodi Cork: Good job D’Angela and T Harrison. You really taught us something next level terrific.

[Jay walks in and stands behind Donna Fingerneck]

Jay: Hi, ladies.

Donna Fingerneck: Oh, we have to go. Our dates are here. We are biracial couple.

[Beck walks in and puts his hand on Jodi Cork’s shoulder.]

Beck: Hi, sweety!

Jodi Cork: And I don’t do that. Sorry.

Beck: Let’s all blow kisses.

[The couples kiss]

[Ends with an outro]

Weekend Update: Pete Davidson on STD Prevention

Michael Che

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: A recent report by the census for disease control states that 110 million Americans have sexually transmitted diseases at any one time. Here to talk about it is our resident young person, Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: What’s up Mike?

Michael Che: Now, Pete, you’re a young person. What precautions do you have to prevent STDs?

Pete Davidson: Well. like, recently I got lucky and I had sex.  But the next day I woke up, I looked at my penis, it looked all messed up.

Michael Che: Well, you used the condom, right?

Pete Davidson: Yeah! That’s exactly why I was so scared. [Cut to Pete Davidson] Like, “How did I get something if I used a condom? Was she that bad of a person? That it burned through the condom? Was that possible?”

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Well, what did you do?

Pete Davidson: Oh, I did what anybody else would do. I sent a picture of my penis to my mom because she’s a nurse, and I figured she would know.

Michael Che: You sent a picture of your penis to your mother?

Pete Davidson: Yeah, but I forgot to call her. Is that weird?

Michael Che: Yeah, man. That’s pretty weird.

Pete Davidson: Look, my mom sees plenty of penises [Cut to Pete Davidson] and make sure they’re okay. Why not see her own son’s? You know? My penis should be the most important to her in every way except one.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright, but it still kind of weird, Pete.

Pete Davidson: I know. But, [Cut to Pete Davidson] I love her. And I was like– I sent it in nice way. I was like, “Hey, mom. Sorry to bother you, but do you see anything wrong here?” She responds, “Yeah, Pete. Definitely something wrong. You’re sending me pictures of your penis. What’s wrong with you? I’m a school nurse.”

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: So, what did you end up doing?

Pete Davidson: Well, after a weekend of staring at my penis, I went to the doctor. [Cut to Pete Davidson] And he sayd, “Look Pete, this is crazy. This is really crazy. But it turns out, you’re allergic to condoms.” And I was like, “Well, what does that mean?” And he said, “It means, you can’t wear condoms ever.” And I was like, “Really?” I was like, “Are you a doctor or my best friend every? What else? Is my dad coming back?” And he goes, “No, stupid. You still gotta wear something.” He said, “You gotta use lambskin.” So, I was like, “Alright.” So, I went to the Daily. No, I went to the pharmacy first and I got the lambskin condoms. And then the lady rung them up and she was like, “$64”. And I was like, “Never mind. I’ll just deal with fake Herpes.” I’m not paying $64 for condoms. How is lambskin condom’s $64? Lamb over rice is only $5.99.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That’s a good point. Pete Davidson, everybody.

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update Katt Williams and Suge Knight on Getting Arrested

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Katt Williams… Jay Pharoah

Suge Knight… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che on his news set]

Michael Che: This Wednesday, comedian Katt Williams and Hip Hop model Suge Knight were arrested for stealing a photographer’s camera. Here to comment, are Katt Williams and Suge Knight.

[Katt Williams and Suge Knight slide in]

[cheers and applause]

Katt Williams: Sir, we swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the–

Michael Che: No, no. You don’t have to do that here. You good.

Katt Williams: Oh, well better safe than sorry.

Michael Che: Alright, so you were both arrested together on this?

Katt Williams: Excuse me. Is that even a question? [Cut to Katt Williams and Suge Knight] I climb up on this scary man’s back and ride him around like Yoda Roda Mr. Luke Skywalker. You feel what I’m saying?

[Cut to Katt Williams, Michael Che and Suge Knight]

Michael Che: I would love to see that. But tell me what happened with the photographer? Is this for real?

Suge Knight: Nah! You know what I’m saying? It was like barely an altercation. I mean, I was only shot five times.

Michael Che: That’s a lot, man.

Suge Knight: Not for me. [Cut to Katt Williams and Suge Knight] My body got so much layer, I’m like a 300 pound number two.

Katt Williams: This man has so many bullets lodged in him that set off metal detectors at Laguardia airport right damn now. That’s what he’s dong.

[Cut to Katt Williams, Michael Che adn Suge Knight]

Michael Che: Okay, let me ask the real question. Are you guilty of this?

Suge Knight: Well, you know. I’ve been wanting to speak on that. Okay. [Cut to Katt Williams and Suge Knight] Because, what I do, you know what I’m saying? Is I be sneaking. Do a little legal begal. Private plane, all in the shower hiding behind the eskimo. So, when you talk about the past, that’s all in the future.

[Cut to Katt Williams, Michael Che and Suge Knight]

Michael Che: What the hell are you talking about?

Katt Williams: Ah, Michael Che, sir, you’ll have to excuse Mr. Knight right now, okay? We have so much marijuana inside us, we can cure glaucoma by blowing in your eyes. Just, [blows], you’re cured.

[Cut to Katt Williams, Michael Che and Suge Knight]

Michael Che: Suge, you got a lot of priors, man. I mean, you can get 30 years for this. Do you have anything to say about it?

[Cut to Katt Williams and Suge Knight]

Suge Knight: Yeah! Stop arresting us.

Katt Williams: Absolutely correct, Michael. Y’all know this ain’t gonna take. Okay, look. I had been arrested so much that a police car is basically my Uber. You feel what I’m saying? But it never sticks. Okay?

[Cut to Katt Williams, Michael Che and Suge Knight]

Michael Che: So, it sounds like you’re admitting to this.

Katt Williams: Ah, look here. [Cut to Katt Williams and Suge Knight] Somebody in the hip hop community has to actually be bad. I mean Tupac is gone. Kanye designs men’s blouses. It’s true. And the biggest feud in hip hop is between Ice Cube and a can of course light. Halama-Shanda-Tanana, thank you Jesus.

[Cut to Katt Williams, Michael Che and Suge Knight]

Michael Che: Alright, there. Katt Williams and Suge Knights ladies and gentlemen. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Katt Williams: I’m Colin Jost.

Weekend Update 1

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Michael Che: Good evening. Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here, tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of map of Maine and Kaci Hickoon left top corner.]

A judge in Maine on Friday ruled the nurse Kaci Hickox, who had been ordered to remain quarantined in her home after working with ebola patients in Africa is free to go any place she wants. Places like, “over there” and “further over there”. Hickox was reportedly so happy with the ruling that she started vomitting blood.  Before the restrictions were lifted, Kaci Hickox openly violated quarantined orders Thursday by taking an hour long bike ride with her boyfriend. Said her boyfriend, “Help, she’s gaining on me!”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of map of New York on right top corner.]

Michael Che: New York’s state has relaxed regulations on ebola aid workers returning from Africa, now allowing them to quarantine themselves at their homes. “Wait, what?” said their roommates.

[Picture changes to Pope Francis]

Pope Francis said this week that the theory of evolution and the big bang theory do not contradict the existence of god. Man, I love this Pope. Everything he says sounds like he just got high for the first time. And I like that he doesn’t drive around in that goofy Pope mobile like he’s the dice in that game trouble. He knows god is protecting him. All those other Popes were hiding behind plexiglass like they were selling chicken in the bad neighborhood.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Tim Hudson on left top corner.]

Colin Jost: San Francisco Giant’s pitcher Tim Hudson became the oldest world series game sever starter ever at the age of 39. Hudson was pulled during the second inning at the age of 41.

Chris Christie Defends the Quarantine of Kaci Hickox

Megan… Cecily Strong

Governor Ghris Christie… Bobby Moynihan

Kaci Hickox… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with “The Kelly File” intro]

[Cut to in Megan her set]

[cheers and applause]

Megan: Welcome back. Welcome back to The Kelly File. Later in the program undeniable proof that the historical figure Blacula was in fact white. But first, it was a long week for New Jersey governer Chris Christie. First she placed nurse Kaci Hickox in a quarantine even though she had no symptoms of ebola, then quickly reversed that decision when the White House and public opinion turned against him. Governer Christie joins us here today.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Yeah, what?

[laughter]

[Cut to Megan and Chris Christie]

Megan: Governor, what do you say to miss Hicoc’s claims that her quarantine was inhumane?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Well, with all due respect Megan, you need to shut the hell up. Miss Hicocs got a tent in a parking lot with her own porta party. In New Jersey, that’s called the luxury condo. Miss Hicocs also had access to the internet and some of the best take out food in Newark. I’m talking about places like Zuckerello’s bar and grill and Cookazella’s bakery and Cowzonum Porium down on roof Kaci Hickox5.

[Cut to Megan]

Megan: Okay. Governor, well the CDC called your quarantine rules draconian.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Look, my only job is to protect the people of New Jersey. And believe me, they need protection. Their immune systems are already under attack from tattoo infections and tainted well vodkas and jet fumes, by which I mean the stench of the New York jets.

[Cut to Megan]

Megan: Governor, now some are saying the White House pressured you into reversing your policy.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Come on, that’as a bunch of malarkey. Our policy has not changed. If you present symptoms, you will be quarantined. But, if I then get a call from president Barack Obama, the man who visited me, [getting emotional] for almost Kaci Hickox hours, dooring the worst of hurricane Sandy and stood with me on that beach, windbreaker to windbreaker, as we pointed to houses and said, “Wow, look at that one”, how do you say no to a man like that?

[Cut to Megan]

Megan: Well, speaking of presidents, isn’t your tough stance on ebola really about the fact you might soon be a candidate in Chris Christie0Megan6?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Megan, that’s a question for the American people. After 8 years of Barack Obama, do they want more of the same? Or is America ready for like, likable Kevin James type. You now? Like a laughable Jamoke from the old neighborhood.

[Cut to Megan]

Megan: Are you saying you’re running?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: No, but I will say this. Ram Paul and Jeff Bush would never have had the stones to do this quarantine thing. They were sitting on their daddy’s lap in congress while I was working my way through kindergarten as mall Santa Claus. Okay? And where am I? Over here. Hey, Ramd and Jebb, Christopher. [pecks kiss on hand] Now that’s a first name.

[Cut to Megan]

Megan: Okay, here now with her side of the story, the woman who lived through this quarantine, Kaci Hickox live via satellite in her home in Maine.

[Cut to split screen. Megan is at the left and Chris Christie is at the right.]

Kaci Hickox: Hey, Megan. By the way, that is Kaci with an ‘I’ as in “I don’t care if have ebola, I’m riding my damn bike.” Yeah!

Megan: So, What have you been doing since you broke quarantine?

[Cut to Kaci Hickox]

Kaci Hickox: I’m doing whatever I feel like. Took a dip in a public pool, ooh! I volunteered in a kissing booth. For Halloween, I handed out about a thousand m&m’s with my bare hands. There you go, there you go. [coughing] Kidding! Yeah!

[Cut to split screen.]

Megan: Okay, miss Hickox, many people think you’re being pretty cavalier about all this.

[Cut to Kaci Hickox]

Kaci Hickox: Yeah, that’s because many people are intimidated by a smart, strong woman who has lost her mind. I stoop up to ebola, Megan. I’m not be scared off by a governor who looks like a cartoon on a pizza box.

Chris Christie: Oh yeah! [Chris Christie walks near Kaci Hickox in Maine] You wanna say that to my face?

Kaci Hickox: What the hell are you doing here?

Chris Christie: I’m Chris Christie, I’m everywhere.

Kaci Hickox: Oh, I cannot wait to sue you.

Chris Christie: Oh, yeah? Well, get in line. It starts all the way back at the GW bridge and the traffic is very slow. [Chris Christie and Kaci Hickox start hitting each other] Come on! Come on, now!

[Cut to Megan]

Megan: A lot to think about on both sides. We’ll be back with more. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

The Arguing Couple

Chris Rock

Uber driver… Bobby Moynihan

Nicole… Leslie Jones

Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with Chris walking in his hall where the TV is playing]

Chris: Be there in a minute. Man, she left the TV on and she ain’t even here. Scandal, hmph! The scandal is how hot this election’s going to be. Alright.

[Door bell ringing]

Be right there.

[Chris opens the door. Uber driver walks in.]

Uber driver: You called Uber car? I’ve been here like Chris0 minutes.

Chris: Nicole! Cab’s here. Come on! We’re going to miss the show.

[Cut to Nicole walking in in her robe]

Nicole: I just got out the shower.

[Cut to Chris and Uber driver]

Wpeaker Chris: Who calls Uber and then gets in the shower?

[Cut to Nicole]

Nicole: If I take a shower too soon, then I get dirty again before its time for us to leave.

[Cut to Chris and Uber driver]

Chris: What are you? A bat catcher for the Yankees? Why are you attracting so much dirt? Are you a human swiffer?

[Cut to Nicole]

Nicole: Don’t embarrass me in front of a stranger. [raising her voice] Don’t embarrass me in front of strangers.

[Cut to everybody.]

[Nicole talking to Uber driver]

We’ll be out in a minute, okay sir?

Uber driver: Okay, can I use your bathroom?

[Cut to Nicole]

Nicole: Hell, no. All this ebola going around. I don’t know you?

[Cut to Chris and Uber driver. Uber driver walks out and shuts the door.]

Chris: Hey! Why do you want to pay extra for Uber? If we need an umemployed weirdo to drive us around, I’d just call your cousin James.

[Cut to Nicole]

Nicole: Because Uber is the new thing. But you wouldn’t know about that because you ain’t got no new stuff. All you got is them CDs.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: When the government shuts down the cloud, I’mma have Luther.

[Cut to Nicole walks away, and in a while she walks back.]

Nicole: I just got accepted I’m a young thing. [Cut to Chris and Nicole] I’m a young sweet thing with a old fashioned husband.

Chris: You ain’t got accepted for nothing. And if you need to get to step it, you need to get to step it. That’s what I’m saying.

Nicole: I’mma get to step it with every penny in this house coming with me.

Chris: Hey, this house is in my name woman. And you’re just an extended guest. You understand? Common law.

Nicole: I will burn it down before I let you have it.

Chris: I’ll give you a match if you think you got it in you.

Nicole: Oh, I dream about it. I will liso-lefta-lopez this bitch to the ground. Did you order the tickets online?

Chris: I’m not giving out my credit card number online to somebody in India so they can steal my identity.

Nicole: Nobody in India wants to be a cheap lazy bastard who snores all night.

[Nicole walks away]

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: Oh, now I’m cheap! What do you do with your money? All you buy is shoes and weaves. I bet if you could show them tickets to your hair you’re buying. You like this tie?

Nicole: Not the blue tie.

[Chris pulls his tie tight]

Ay! Stop acting like you’re killing yourself. Don’t take that pleasure from me.

[Chris takes off the blue tie and picks up a red one]

Chris: Stop telling me what to do, woman. You’re not my mother.

[Cut to Nicole walking in with her dress on.]

Nicole: You damn right I’m not. What did that woman do to you?

[Cut to Chris and Nicole]

Chris: What did she do to me? I’ll tell you what she did to me. She cooked, she cleaned, the only thing she ever did wrong was lie to me and tell me I’d find a woman of my dreams.

Nicole: You know how I found you? I was looking for a lump in my breasts, and there you was.

[Sasheer walks in]

Sasheer: [yelling] Stop it! Just stop it. [Cut to Sasheer] What’s wrong with you? All you do is argue. You hate each other. Break up for god sake. Just get a divorce.

[Sasheer walks out]

[Cut to Chris and Nicole]

Chris: She ain’t never gonna get a man with an attitude like that.

Nicole: I keep trying to talk to her but she just tones me out.

Chris: Well, let’s not let her ruin our anniversary.

Nicole: Happy anniversary, baby.

[Chris and Nicole kiss and hug]

[Chris grabs his jacket and opens the door]

Nicole: Let me go out first.

[Chris makes way for Nicole]