Tag: Michael Che

Weekend Update Riblet

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Riblet… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of marijuana at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Police in North Carolina say that a 12 pound package of marijuana washed up on a beach. For some perspective, this is what a 12 pound package of marijuana looks like. [Picture changes to a black music artist]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: Well, it’s our last Weekend Update of the season

Michael Che: Yeah, and for all the jokes we got to tell this year, we also cut a lot of jokes at dress rehearsal.

Colin Jost: Yeah. So, now what we’d like to do is resurrect one joke each that was cut earlier in the year. Okay, I’ll go first.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a knife and a jar of salsa at left top corner.]

Ohio police arrested a woman who allegedly stabbed her boyfriend for eating all of their salsa. Though you’d be angry too if your boyfriend was jalapeno business.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright, first of all I hate you for laughing at that. My joke got pulled after dress rehearsal because they said it was too offensive and way over the line, man! But it’s the last show of the season. And, what are they gonna do? So, I’m just gonna do it. Here we go.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a Malaysian Airlines logo at right top corner.]

[audience are already laughing]

Another Malaysian Airlines plane–

[Riblet peeks from behind Michael Che’s back]

Riblet: Too soon, Che! Too soon baby!

Michael Che: Oh, man! It’s my buddy from high school, Riblet, everybody!

Riblet: Go call for the comeback! Yo! It’s Riblet baby! Season 40 finale! Wad up?

Michael Che: Riblet! It’s the finale.

Riblet: I know.

Michael Che: Don’t ruin this for me.

Riblet: Oh, you ruined yourself, Che! Which is why Riblet has got you regulate! So clear my shot Che! Coz I’m about to do your jorb!

Michael Che: You could never do my jorb!

Riblet: Oh, I could not? Oh, really Che? Well, move over back because here comes something leaner!

[Cut to Riblet. There’s a picture of horse racing at right top corner.]

Earlier today, Kentucky Derby winner American Pharoah won the Preakness Stakes. The second leg in horse racing’s triple crown. And he better win the third leg if he wants to keep all four legs.

[yelling] Oh! Shimi-shimi-ya-shimi-ya-shimi-yay!

Give me your jorb so I can take it away!

[Michael Che is getting angry]

What? What? What? What just went down? That was topical as hell! That horse is still running. I just did your jorb!

Michael Che: You did not do my job. You just read one cue card, man!

Riblet: Porfectly! I read one cue card porfectly! Now peep this Michael Che, coz I’m about to creep this!

[Cut to Riblet. There’s a picture of sandwiches at right top corner.]

A new study finds that people who like grilled cheese sandwiches have more sex. This according to a grilled cheese sandwich I just ate at Che’s mama’s house!

[Cut to Michael Che and Riblet]

[yelling] Oh! I just took your jorb!

Michael Che: Alright, man! Look, there’s more to this job than just reading, okay? You gotta know about politics, social issues.

Riblet: Oh, you don’t think Riblet’s not about current affairs?

Michael Che: I don’t!

Riblet: Oh, you don’t?

Michael Che: I don’t!

Riblet: Oh, they call me Sneakers because I about to satisfy.

[Cut to Riblet. There’s a picture of $20 bill with a woman’s face on it.]

The campaign to replace Andrew Jackson with a woman on the $20 bill is being called a significant step forward in gender equality. But if we wanna treat women as equals, we shouldn’t put them on money. We should pay them an equal amount of money. And Michael Che shouldn’t be paid at all!

[Cut to Michael Che and Riblet]

[yelling] Oh! Oh, excuse me. Oh, waiter!

[A waiter brings in a covered dish and leaves]

Thank you. Here we go.

[Riblet opens the lid. There’s a mic.]

How nice. It just got weird, because you just got served!

[Riblet drops the mic on the table]

Michael Che: Riblet, ladies and gentlemen! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che!

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight!

Weekend Update Pete Davidson on Turning 21

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson turned 21 years old this year. Here to comment on finally becoming an adult is our resident young person, Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: What’s up, Colin?

Colin Jost: What’s up, Pete?

Pete Davidson: How are you, man?

Colin Jost: How are you? So, you’re 21. What does it feel like to be an adult? You feel like an adult?

Pete Davidson: Kind of. I mean, I’m 6’3″, 140 pounds. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I kind of look like I should be outside of car dealership flapping in the wind. Now, I just moved out of my mom’s house coz like, my mom and sister were just driving me crazy.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, maybe you should just talk to them about that, right?

Pete Davidson: Nah, it’s not my style, Colin. I don’t confront people. [Cut to Pete Davidson] You know? I was raised by a woman. So, you know, when you’re raised by a woman, you tell everybody about the problem… except for the person you have the problem with. You know, that’s how my mom does it. She would come home and be like, “I hate that bitch Dian!” I’d be like, “Well, don’t hang out with Dian.” My mom be like, “I have to. She’s my best friend.”

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Alright. Well, your must have grown up in some way this year, right?

Pete Davidson: Um, I guess so. I see like, signs here and there. [Cut to Pete Davidson] Like, I don’t like Harry Potter as much I used to. You know? I was a huge Harry Potter fan when I was a kid two years ago. And, that’s why I never got any girls in high school. Probably coz I called high school Hogwarts. Also, now I watch those movies and I get mad that Harry never gets laid. He never does. He’s rich, he’s famous, and he’s a wizard. You know? And girls were just throwing in at him but nope! He never makes a move. He had invisibility cloak. And he used it to read more. If that was me, I would be with four of my buddies in the women wizard locker room and we’d ruin that cloak.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay. No. No. Honestly, I have to say, Pete. I have seen you grow a lot this year, you know? Maybe not physically or emotionally, but just, you know, in terms of the passage of time.

Pete Davidson: Thanks, I think! Yeah! I mean, I think I’ll grow up a lot this summer too, you know? [Cut to Pete Davidson] I think I’m gonna finally learn how to be on this show. You know? How did I get on this show, Colin? Did my mom see NBC executive hit a kid and drive off? I don’t now how to sing, I don’t know how to dance, I don’t know how to act… and read… or stand up straight. You know, that’s why I’m only here. This is all I can do. You know? I don’t have to stand up or wear pants. I can’t even do impressions. [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] I’ve been working on it. You wanna hear one?

Colin Jost: Yeah, please.

Pete Davidson: Okay. [Cut to Pete Davidson] Here’s my impression. [mimicking President Obama] Let me be clear. I’m running for president.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Alright, it’s not a bad Obama.

Pete Davidson: That’s my Hillary Clinton.

Colin Jost: Oh, my god! Pete Davidson, everybody!

Pete Davidson: How am I here?

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of MadMen logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This Sunday is the series finale of the hit show ‘MadMen’. In the episode, Don Draper is finally ruined in the advertising business after creating [Picture changes to the Hamburgler man wearing mask] the new Hamburgler.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of U2 guitarist The Edge at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During a concert in Vancouver, U2 guitarist The Edge fell off the stage. So I guess you could say that The Edge was walking too close  to the border of that stage.

[Picture changes to the painting Women of Algiers by Picasso at right top corner.]

Pablo Picasso’s ‘Women of Algiers’ was sold for a record setting $179 million. But I can get you a picture of lap sided titties for way less than that.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Sweden and Russia’s flags at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Swedish peace activists are trying to deter the Russian submarines by using a sonar system that broadcast pro-gay messages. Which is also a pretty good description of Bravo!

[Picture changes to Boston University logo]

A newly hired Boston University professor caused controversy after she called white males ‘The problem population’. The professor apologized saying, “I am as sorry as some basic ass Latina.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Taco Bell logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: [laughing] It was reported that Taco Bell in Chicago may soon start selling alcohol. Which is weird because usually, it’s alcohol that sells Taco Bell.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: What’s up everyone?

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of George W. Bush and Jeb Bush at left top corner.]

Jeb Bush said in an interview this week that like his brother, he would have authorized the invasion of Iraq, that we wouldn’t have done it for the same reason George did, to capture the genie from Aladin.

Jeb Bush has also criticized that a Town Hall event at Nevada when a college student said that his brother George W. Bush created ISIS. But that’s really not fair, you know? [Picture changes to George W. Bush and Dick Cheney] It’s more like he co-created it. And if you don’t believe me take a look at the credits.

[Cut to credits. The background is a dessert and has ISIS written on it. It says “Created by George W. Bush and Dick Cheney. Executive Producer Donald Rumsfeld.” Then at last, a dog appears and says, “Halliburton”.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Harriet Tubman at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The group advocating replacing Andrew Jackson on $20 with a woman announced that the winner of the poll for the new face of the currency is Harriet Tubman. It’s a move that could have racists all over saying, “Can I get that in 10s?”

[Picture changes to Tom Brady]

The NFL has suspended New England Patriot’s quarterback Tom Brady for his role in deflate gate. Why are we calling this ‘deflate gate’? Gate doesn’t mean scandal. It’s from the Watergate hotel and Tom Brady did not take air out of the Watergate hotel. He took the air out of balls. It’s deflate balls. Let’s just deal with it. It’s what it is.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of China’s flag and an Apple Watch at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: China has banned it’s soldiers from wearing the new Apple Watch over concerns of cyber security. Said one Chinese soldier, “But my daughter made it for me!”

Whiskers R We with Reese Witherspoon

Barbara DeDrew… Kate McKinnon

Purr-sula… Reese Witherspoon

[Starts with Whiskers R’ We commercial set.]

Barbara and Purr-sula: Cats.

Barbara: A cat is a friend you didn’t know you needed.

Purr-sula: Cat is an itch that scratches you

Barbara: A cup of love, a dash of Whiskers and a metric yard of fur.

Purr-sula: Cats are all that in a bag of cats.

Barbara: So, come on down for our spring cat-abration.

Barbara and Purr-sula: Here at Whiskers R We.

Barbara: Hi, I’m Barbara DeDrew.

Purr-sula: And my name’s Purr-sula. It used to be Ursula but I wanted something that cats could pronounce.

Barbara: Many of these rescued cats come from the owners who didn’t value their specialness.

Purr-sula: Let’s meet today’s cat-testants.

Barbara: [showing a black kitten] For you royal family fans, we call this cat, Kat Middleton. Because she’s as lovely as a princess.

Purr-sula: And she’s good at producing hairs (heir).

[Barbara is laughing]

Barbara: Plus, her sister has a better butt.

[Barbara and Purr-sula laughing]

Purr-sula: You’re bad!

Barbara: I’m bad to the bone.

[Barbara showing another brown kitten]

We call this cat Peanut because he’s tiny and 5% of people have deadly allergy to him.

Purr-sula: I hope you’re not allergic to me.

Barbara: Cool it Purr-sula. We’re on camera.

[Barbara showing another grey kitten]

Okay, this cat is Sapphire. Isn’t she gorgeous?

Purr-sula: Look at that perfect little face. Wanna know her secret? Botox!

Barbara: I think she’s is going through mid life crisis. She tells everyone she’s three. Bitch, you’re four and half.

Purr-sula: I’d get botox if you wanted me to.

Barbara: We’ll talk later. [showing another golden kitten] We call this cat Majelen, because he’s a little explorer. His greatest discovery, his own butt hole.

Purr-sula: He’s still fun to pet, though.

[Purr-sula is caressing Barbara’s hands]

Barbara: Stop it! I’m on beta blockers. Okay, and this is [showing another black and grey striped cat] Skittles. This cat is a gift from god. At least that’s what he told the members of his cult. Don’t be along with him for too long or he’ll make you sever all ties with you family.

Purr-sula: He told me I could share his bed every other Tuesday. Little jack-off!

Barbara: This is Mufasa. [showing a huge cat wearing lion-like hair] He claims to be a lion from the African Savannah. But I’m pretty sure he’s just some nobody from Delaware.

Purr-sula: I’m pretty sure he didn’t go to Princeton either.

Barbara: [showing another black and grey kitten] And this is Bluebel. This little guy just showed up on our doorstep to tell us he’s a registered sex offender. He loves to hide things like, little balls of string, or cameras in your toilet.

Purr-sula: Oh, careful Barbara, you got a little cat drew right there. [Purr-sula is touching Barbara’s breasts]

Barbara: Purr-sula! If you want shingles, keep fiddling, girl! So, come on down to Whiskers R’ We.

Purr-sula: Our policy is look it in the eye, you bought it!

Barbara: Plus, with every cat purchase, you’ll get a free all the cats!

Purr-sula: These cats are kin of like our children.

Barbara: Pump the brakes, Purr-sula. This is our second date. Come on down!

[Cut to the Whiskers R’ We store]

Female voice: Whiskers R’ We, spring cat giveaway. See you there.

[The End]

Weekend Update Willie on Graduation

Michael Che

Willie… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, it’s almost graduation which can be a bitter sweet time for a lot of students. So, here to cheer up anyone feeling down about graduating is the most optimistic guy I know, Willie.

[Willie slides in]

Willie: Ay! What’s up, Michael?

Michael Che: How are you doing?

Willie: Hey, everybody! Boy I just love graduation time. No more pencils. No more books. No more breakfast. No more lunch.

Michael Che: I get. Willie, leaving school can be a very scary time for a lot of kids.

[Cut to Willie]

Willie: Oh! But there’s nothing to be worried about, Michael. It’s like my teachers used to always say, there ain’t a bus short enough for you, Willie!

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Then, you miss all of your friends?

Willie: Yeah. Of course I did. But friends don’t always exist.

Michael Che: What?

[Cut to Willie]

Willie: Reminds me of when I went to prom with my high school sweetheart Lauren. I can still see it now. Two young, crazy, fun loving kids… jumped me in the parking lot and stole my car. But it’s like they always say, “Lauren set you up, Willie!”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That really happened to you, man?

Willie: It happened to all of us.

Michael Che: No.

Willie: Well sure, [Cut to Willie] maybe I wasn’t the smartest kid in school, but I graduated. And I even got to give a speech in my graduation. I was so nervous. I had to imagine everybody was throwing tomatoes at me.

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Why would you imagine that?

Willie: Because they were throwing batteries at me, Michael! [Cut to Willie] But it’s like they always say, “You supposed to be wearing clothes under that robe, Willie!”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That sounds terrible, man!

Willie: But you know who loves school the most?

Michael Che: No.

Willie: My old dog Lucias. Yeah! He was the most popular dog in his obedient school. That’s right. [Cut to Willie] Seemed like there wasn’t one dog in that school that old Lucias didn’t run off to play with. They’d go play in the park, on the dog beds, or in the broom closet. But it’s like those trainers used to always say, “Your dog’s spreading Chlamydiae, Willie!”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Willie, it seems like you went through a lot and you still like graduations. I mean, none of these things bum you out?

Willie: Well, I do get a little down when I think about my old classmates. I never forget the last thing they said to me. “You locked us in here with the shooter, Willie!”

Michael Che: Oh, no! Willie, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che!

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Two Girls You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation with at a Party

Michael Che

The girl… Cecily Strong

McKinsey… Reese Witherspoon

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The San Francisco police department is reviewing thousand of cases to see if the arrest were racially bias. Here to comment on this delicate subject are two girls you wish you hadn’t started conversation with at a party.

[The girl and McKinsey slide in.]

The girl: Namaste, Michael. This is McKinsey. It’s my bestfriend.

McKinsey: And fingers crossed, her step mom.

Michael Che: And what do you guys think of this police review?

[Cut to The girl and McKinsey]

The girl: What do we think of about it? It’s irrashable!

McKinsey: It’s reprehendable.

The girl: We’re in– And what? We’re gonna put body cameras on cops now? Oh, like, we don’t watch enough TV already.

McKinsey: And it’s like, Bruce Jenner is allowed to be a transformer, but our climate’s aren’t allowed to change? That’s hippopotamus.

The girl: Michael, facts, one in five homeless people are actually millionaires and they don’t even know it.

McKinsey: So, if you see section, say something.

[phone vibrating. The girl checks her phone.]

The girl: Oh, your phone.

McKinsey: Oh, yeah. It’s Tiger Woods.

[Cut to Michael Che, The girl and McKinsey]

Michael Che: Okay, can we please focus here?

The girl: Fine! [looking away] Amber!

McKinsey: Amber! Over here!

Michael Che: Who are you talking to?

The girl: Our other friend Amber.

[Cut to The girl and McKinsey]

McKinsey: Yeah, we couldn’t find her earlier so we put out and Amber alert.

[Cut to Michael Che, The girl and McKinsey]

Michael Che: Okay. That is not what that’s for.

The girl: Quick, Michael. Who are you voting for in 2016 election?

Michael Che: Well, it’s pretty early but–

The girl: I’m voting for the Sudan. Oh, but I’m sure Hillary Clinton is starving kids too.

Michael Che: Okay, look.

McKinsey: Shh! Shh! Wait! We wanna show you a new game, Michael.

[Cut to The girl and McKinsey]

The girl: Okay. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!

[The girl has scissors and McKinsey had rock.]

[Cut to Michael Che, The girl and McKinsey]

Who won?

Michael Che: Well, rock beats scissors. So…

[Cut to The girl and McKinsey]

McKinsey: Wrong. Justice…

The girl: Ties with peace.

McKinsey: So, the only loser here…

The girl: Is the children…

McKinsey: And the future.

The girl: And you, Michael.

[Cut to Michael Che, The girl and McKinsey]

McKinsey: Oh, wait! Tiger’s downstairs girl. We gotta go.

Michael Che: Alright. Two girls out of party, everyone.

McKinsey: Amber!

The girl: Amber!

McKinsey: Amber! Don’t die!

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on Social Media

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new study shows that one in seven couples break up because of their behavior on social media. Here with her take is our relationship expert, Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

Leslie Jones: Woo! What’s up, Jost baby? How you dong?

Colin Jost: I don’t know. You tell me, Leslie. What’s going on?

Leslie Jones: Oh, yeah. I’m gonna. See, um, here’s my complain. Couples are always texting each other and on Facebook. Nobody writes love letters anymore.

Colin Jost: They don’t write love letters?

Leslie Jones: Well, maybe you do, you sexy cream sickle.  Just wanna chump all the orange off and get to the cream. [Cut to Leslie Jones] No guys ever wrote me a love letter. So, I wrote one to this guy that I had a four year booty call with.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Four year booty call?

Leslie Jones: That’s what I said!

Colin Jost: Okay.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: To whom it may concern. [looking at the camera] And you know who you are. I miss you. I miss you every morning when I wake up. And I miss you– I miss sitting in front of your house wondering why the lights are on. Love, Leslie.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Why are you still writing him letter?

Leslie Jones: Coz he blocked me, Jost. I’ve been blocked! Can’t call, can’t text, can’t poke, can’t like. [Cut to Leslie Jones] [yelling]And it’s driving me crazy! Which is why I wrote this second letter.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, no, no, no.

Leslie Jones: Dear ass face! [Cut to Leslie Jones] How dare you block me? Coz you didn’t block me from paying your motel six bill when you lost your house. And you sure as hell didn’t block me from giving you that special thing you like doing halftime at sports center.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Um, yes. Sports center doesn’t have a halftime.

Leslie Jones: You know, I thought I was down there a long time.

Colin Jost: Oh! [shaking head]

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: But I still miss your sexy foreign accent saying, “Leslie, you are so sexy Leslie. [making noise]”

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s a person?

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: You like Fox News or sex? I know its all lies, but it just can’t get enough.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, so now, what are you doing to get over this guy, Leslie?

Leslie Jones: I don’t know. Which is why I wrote this third letter… to myself.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Dear Leslie, what the hell wrong with you? You still hung up on this loser? You live in New York and you are on Saturday Night Live. You need a man who appreciates Leslie Jones for who Leslie Jones is. Tall, loud and phenomenal in bed.

Colin Jost: And humble.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost. Leslie Jones stares at Colin Jost]

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: You need to date a man who puts other people before himself like a bodyguard or offensive lineman. So if there’s any offensive lineman out there, listen up. I’ll be your Tom Brady and deflate your balls all day!

[Cut to Leslie Jones an Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everybody!

Leslie Jones: [yelling] Unblock me! Unblock me!

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of ‘Forrest Gump’ at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A Michigan man is planning to run over 3,000 miles in hundred days as an omag to Forrest Gump, and a straight up FU to Lieutenant Dan.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a cake with 21 candles on it at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A Tennessee woman celebrated her 21st birthday by performing 21 acts of kindness on people she had never met, which is the most polite way that I’ve ever heard that put.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of University of South Carolina logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A student of University of South Carolina was arrested after she poisoned her roommate’s food with cleaning fluid. Said her roommates, “Oh, so you do know where the cleaning supplies are?”

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Prince William and Kate at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The royal family announced that the name of Prince Willam and Kate’s baby girl is Charlotte Elizabeth Diana. They chose the name Diana for William’s mother, Elizabeth for his grandmother and Charlotte for of course, [Picture changes to basket ball players] 1992 Charloette Hornets.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After their recent fight, boxer Floyd Mayweather called Manny Pacquiao a coward for not accepting his loss and said there would be no rematch. Because if you wanna fight Floyd Mayweather more than once, you have to date him.

[Picture changes to a masked man with a burger]

This week, McDonald’s unveiled a new version of the hamburglar, so McDonald’s, I guess my question is what’s happening here? Who is this for? The hamburglar used to be a lovable children’s character. This guy looks like an actor from McDonald land porn parody. And why is he shh-ing us? Is he says, “Shh, don’t tell anyone what’s in our special sauce?” Or, “Shh, don’t tell my parents how bad my acting career is going.” Or is the new McDonald’s play place in the back of this dude’s van? Because this isn’t the image you use to sell fast food. It’s the image you see when you come to after getting drugged at a costume party.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Lindsey Vann and Tyga Woods at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Lindsey Vann anounced that she and Tyga Woods have broken up, while Tyga Woods announced that, “Woo-hoo!”

[Starts with Colin Jost and Michael Che in their set]

Colin Jost: So, tomorrow is Mother’s Day.

Michael Che: Tomorrow is Mother’s Day.

Colin Jost: As we totally remembered.

Michael Che: I feel like it’s now.

Colin Jost: Yeah, it’s now. It’s now our Mother’s Day. Congratulations moms. And, just to honor our mothers here on Weekend Update, we’d like to read one joke each that our moms actually texted to us this year.

Michael Che: Yeah, even though we never asked them to do that.

Colin Jost: Okay.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s Colin’s mom’s photo at left top corner.]

So, this is the first one. This is my mom everyone. [cheers and applause] Thank you. It looks like she’s cool on Safari, but don’t! Don’t! It’s Disney Land. Um, this is also about Disney. This is what she texted me.

“Disney Land having trouble with the measles. Maybe they should re-brand it as mouse-pox then show Mickey with spots. On serious note, this is why vaccination is so important.”

[Cut to Michael Che. It’s written ‘graphic missing’ at left top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: It’s not horrible. Yesterday, I asked my mother to send me a picture that I could show of her on national TV and she is still in the Salon right now. So, I’m just gonna show you the look that she’s probably going for. [Picture changes to Diana Ross in a photo shoot] It’s 1970’s Diana Ross. And this is the joke, this is her new story.

“I just walked out of grandma’s room. She has the heater on blazing. Sad face. It was so hot in there, I just saw satan run out and say he couldn’t take it and he would be back later because it was so hot in there. LOLOLOLOLOL.”

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: So, happy Mother’s Day. I can’t wait to take you to brunch tomorrow, mom.

Michael Che: And I can’t wait to take you to dinner, Colin’s mom.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of nail salon named ‘ISIS Nails’ at right top corner.]

I’d make a great dad. A nail salon in Queens called ‘ISIS Nails’ has finally changed it’s name after suffering harassment from locals who thought the store was connected to the terrorist group. Though, I don’t know how much better things will be with their new name, “Nail Qaeda”.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of outside space at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A group of astronomers have calculated the distance to a galaxy as more than 13 billion lightyears away, which is the most distant galaxy ever measured. It’s so distant that astronomers have given it the nickname, “Dad”.