Tag: Michael Che

Weekend Update Dr. Angie Hynes on Black History Month

Colin Jost

Dr. Angie Hynes… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, today marks the first day of black history month and here to highlight some lesser known historical figures is professor of African-American studies at Rutger University, Dr. Angie Hynes.

[Dr. Angie Hynes slides in]

Dr. Angie Hynes: Alright! Hello. Hello. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you for having me. It is such an honor.

Colin Jost: Black history month, and it’s pretty cool. It’s a leap year. So, we get one more day to celebrate.

Dr. Angie Hynes: [looking at Colin Jost with anger] Yeah, we do. [Michael Che is laughing]

[Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes] Now, when we think about black history month, we usually think of the big ones. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., Rosa Parks, Maya Angelou. But how many of you know about Cynthia Woods? [Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes and Colin Jost] Any idea what she did, Colin?

Colin Jost: No, I don’t think I’m familiar.

[Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes]

Dr. Angie Hynes: Cynthia is a bitch I thought was my friend till she showed up at my wedding wearing all white. Even I felt bad about wearing white. But that bitch ain’t have no qualms.

[laughter]

[Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And what does she have to do with black history month?

Dr. Angie Hynes: She is black, and she is history to me. [Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes] I’m divorced now, but if I see you, Cynthia, i hope you’re still wearing white, coz I’ma introduce yo ass to god.

Now, we all know Malcolm X, but how much do y’all know about Malcolm G? Colin?

[Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No. I don’t know him. Is he a public figure?

Dr. Angie Hynes: Yeah. [Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes] Malcom G is a fool I work with who airdroped a d pic to me in public. Now, you might be asking how is he relevant to black history month?

[Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Is it because he is black?

Dr. Angie Hynes: And he is history to me. [Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes] And Malcolm G, thank you for helping me finally quit that job, you unhung hero.

[Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow! Dr. Hynes I was expecting you to tell us about people who were a little more well-known.

Dr. Angie Hynes: Oh, you want well known? Well, look at this well known ho.

[Dr. Angie Hynes’s picture appear in the screen]

Colin Jost: Yes, that’s you.

[Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes and Colin Jost]

Dr. Angie Hynes: No, racist. It’s my twin sister. Come on now. Her name is Angel Hynes, but she ain’t nothing but a devil. [Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes] Colin, I had a dream that she slept with my husband. and that’s all I needed to know. You know how they say black lives matter? Here’s one black ass life that don’t matter. And you know what she is now Colin?

[Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: History?

Dr. Angie Hynes: No, her story. Meaning her dead to me. And, look at this idget.

[Cut to picture of duane reade]

Colin Jost: Okay, now that seems to be a picture of duane reade?

[Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes and Colin Jost]

Dr. Angie Hynes: Yeah, duane reade, like walgreens.

Colin Jost: Okay. And what did they do to you at duane reade?

Dr. Angie Hynes: You know what? Thank you for asking. [Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes] I was shopping for none of your damn business. And one of the cashiers said, “Ma’am, your daughter can’t record tiktoks in here” and then pointed at a Colin Jost4-year-old. That’s not my daughter. Bitch, how old do you think I am?” You know the duane reade at 43rd and 8th locks up the lotion? The fa duane? What kind of negro jails the lotion? Duane reade, you black and you history. CBS, welcome to the cookout baby.

[Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And you’re a professor?

Dr. Angie Hynes: On the weekdays. It’s Saturday, so I get it in.

Colin Jost: Angie Hynes, everyone!

Dr. Angie Hynes: Why do we got to have the shortest month?

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update Chen Biao on the Coronavirus

Michael Che

Chen Biao… Bown Yang

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This week, the World Health Organization officially declared the Corona virus a global emergency. Here to comment is newly appointed Chinese health minister, Chen Biao

[Chen Biao slides in]

Chen Biao: Oh-oh! Michael Che! What’s doing?

Michael Che: Hey, how you doing, Mr. Biao? So, last time you were here, you were China’s trade representative, but now you’re in charge of Corona virus stuff?

Chen Biao: Yeah. I just got the promotion. [Cut to Chen Biao] New gig. It pays more and it’s a lot sadder. And I guess I am China’s new crisis queen. I don’t know.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: So, what are you qualifications for this new job, anyway?

[Cut to Chen Biao]

Chen Biao: Okay. Well, I’ve been watching all those TLC medical shows. You know, um, Dr. Pimple Popper, I’m in love with my goiter, Little people big ass, it’s a good show.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: [laughing] Well, 45 million people are quarantine in China right now. So, the situation seems pretty dire.

Chen Biao: Dire? Relax! China’s got this, okay? Middle kingdom unlock. Literally.

Michael Che: What do you say to allegations that the Chinese government is under reporting how many cases of the virus there are?

Chen Biao: [laughing] What? Under reporting? China? [Cut to Chen Biao] How would we even do that? With our state run media? I have nothing to hide, Che. I show my nipples on dating apps. I’m talking full area.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Well, it has been before. Like, when China down played the SARS outbreak in 2002.

Chen Biao: That was one time! And 2002 was a different world. Spiderman was Toby McGuire.

Michael Che: Okay, but China has placed several cities on lock down.

[Cut to Chen Biao]

Chen Biao: They sure have. Millions of people are on lock down now in China. But you can make it fun. Sort of, um, church lock in vibe? Right? Like, when they talk all day about abstinence but then it’s like, “Okay, now you’re gonna make us sleep in a big room together?” Good plan, youth pastor Ben.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: [laughing] Who is Youth Pastor Ben?

Chen Biao: Oh, just some guy I hooked up with. [Cut to Chen Biao] And after eight months I was like, “Oh, I cannot fix you sweetie!”

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Okay, what do you think about Delta in American Airlines suspend their flights to China until April?

Chen Biao: Oh, no! I can’t fly American Airlines anymore? [Cut to Chen Biao] The only airline where if you ask for a Sprite, they say, “Is Sierra Mist okay?” Who will I pay to throw my luggage in the garbage?

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That’s a good point. Well, Chen, we know it’s a really difficult time in China right now. And we wish you all the best.

Chen Biao: Oh, well, thank you Che. [Cut to Chen Biao] And we are committed to preventing the further spread of this virus with patience, diligence and these exclusive Chen Biao Burberry surgical mask! [Chen Biao takes a mask with a checked print on it and wears it.]

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Chen Biao everybody!

Chen Biao: Wash your hands. Our phones are covered in poop.

Weekend Update Pope Francis on his visit to the US

Colin Jost

Pope Francis… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Pope Francis came to the United States last week visiting Washington DC, Philadelphia and our very own, New York city. Here to tell us about his trip is Pope Francis.

[Pope Francis slides in]

Pope Francis: [in Argentinian accent] What up, Jost? Give me that! Give me that! [does fist bump with Colin Jost] What a big set. Respect.

Michael Che: What’s up, bro?

Pope Francis: [patting his chest] Respect!

Colin Jost: So, Pope Francis, how was your stay in the United States?

Pope Francis: My trip was dope. DC was a little boring. [Cut to Pope Francis] Philly had some cuties, but New York was the best and tightest place to be. First thing though, I had to give a mass at the St. Patrick’s cathedral which to me was like a major snooze. But then I played in the Madison Square Garden and I crushed it. Then I went at the party with my disciples. Shout out to Jon Paul, Jio Sappi, Christiano, Leonardo and homie [pats his chest] Dwayne Wayne!

[Cut to Pope Francis and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, yeah. What did you guys get into?

Pope Francis: Yo! The real fun started aftermath. [Cut to Pope Francis] We went to Brooklyn and hit up the shuffle board place and had some free pizza. A Hawaiian pizza. That’s a pizza with pineapple and ham.

[Cut to Pope Francis and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Alright, yes. That sounds pretty chill.

Pope Francis: Oh, it was so chill. It was on a house-boat

[Colin Jost didn’t understand]

[Cut to Pope Francis]

After that we went to a namless chapel on the lower east side with a bartender who only speaks in backwards. And check it, the password was, “Emojis”. You had to figure out the way to express them with your face. Like this. [Pope Francis making emoji faces]

[Cut to Pope Francis and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Very cool. Yeah! And what was it like when you got inside?

Pope Francis: The cast of girls minus Lina was much in awesome artisan and all sugar carers. [Colin Jost didn’t understand a thing] So scrubs. [Cut to Pope Francis] One thing led to another. I wrote this 90 song like Karaoke Garage, you had to do the confession. Mose death is there. And we start belting out. [singing] Closing time.

[Cut to Pope Francis and Colin Jost]

[Colin Jost didn’t understand anything]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. You were with Mose death?

Pope Francis: Shh! You wouldn’t get it. And, I’m always look at the party. Ay! Hit me up in your prayers!

Colin Jost: Pope Francis, everyone!

Pope Francis: Many god blesses to you!

Weekend Update Pete Davidson on politics

Michael Che

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: New poll show that while Donald Trump has maintained his lead in the republican primary, in the head to head match up, Hillary Clinton beats Trump among younger voters by a whopping 20%. With more on this is SNL’s resident young person, Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: First of all, I really I should let you know that actually, I don’t know much about politics.

Michael Che: [sarcastically] No! Really?

Pete Davidson: Yeah. I know it’s shocking. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I mean I watch elections the way my girlfriend watches football. I’m like, “Who’s that guy in the suit? Do we want him to win? We want him to win? Okay! Who is Syria?” Anyway, politics gives me anxiety. Like, I tried. I tried to watch it and I’ll turn on the news, and then they’re like, “The senate–“. No, I can’t. We have a senate now? That’s crazy!

Look, I don’t know the difference between the democrat and republican. I just know I’m supposed to be a democrat or my friends will get mad at me. And when I’m around my grandpa, I have to say I’m a republican or he’ll get all excited. And Che, if he asks, we’re not friends.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Michael Che. Michael Che is shaking his head.]

He loves you though, Colin.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh! [giving thumb’s up]

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Michael Che. Michael Che shaking his head.]

Pete Davidson: Big fan of Jost. I’m like most people. When Trump announced he was running [Cut to Pete Davidson] I thought it was funny. But that was 4 months ago. And he’s winning. You know, it’s not funny anymore. You know, I think America needs to stop doing things coz it’s funny. You know? That’s what makes me so mad about Trump. It’s like, coz now that he’s winning, now I actually have to go out and vote. You know? Like, that’s the one good thing about Trump running. Trump presidency is so terrifying, it actually scares people of my age into paying attention to politics. You know who Donald Trump reminds me of? Sanjaya from Amrican Idol.

[Cut to Michael Che and Pete Davidson]

Remember Sanjaya? He had weird hair and he sang like garbage? [Cut to Pete Davidson] Yeah! We were actually like, friends three years ago, but that’s another Update. So, how it started, I thought it would be funny to get people to vote for him. You know, coz he sucked. Like, to keep him in the competition, coz it was like, funny. And the first few times, it was funny. It would be like, “Sanjaya, you are safe.” And you’d be like, “[laughing] That’s not supposed to happen!” But then, one by one, like everybody’s favorite started getting eliminated and it really wasn’t that funny anymore. And then it got down to the final four and everybody was like, “What the hell is Sanjaya doing up there? Now we have to go vote!”

[Cut to Michael Che and Pete Davidson]

Michael Che: Well, you know, Pete. You got through that whole Update without referencing weed or making a penis joke.

Pete Davidson: Oh, I’m not done yet.

Michael Che: No, I think you are. Pete Davidson, everybody!

Pete Davidson: [yelling] Weed! Penis! Weed! Penis!

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on texting in relationship

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new study shows that using smartphones and texting can really put a strain on relationships. Here with her take is our relationship expert, Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

Leslie Jones: Whoo! Ha-ha! Yeah! Thanks for having me, Colin.

Colin Jost: It’s great to see you. Now, you were filming the new Ghostbusters movie all summer, right?

Leslie Jones: Yes! I was. I was. But I wish I was Jost-busting! I ain’t afraid of no Jost!

Colin Jost: Leslie, now… [laughing] What do you think about texting in relationships?

Leslie Jones: Man! It’s tough, Colin. [Cut to Leslie Jones] I was at a party and this fine looking man comes up to me. And he starts talking to me, starts flirting with me, starts singing ‘Strangers in the night’ to me like a full psycho. So, you know I was feeling that. So, I gave my number. No big deal. Then, not only did he text me at 2:40 in the morning, he double text me.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: He double? What is double text?

Leslie Jones: Man! Okay! He text me [Cut to Leslie Jones] and before I can respond, he text me again. A.K.A. he wants the booty. So, I decided to play it cool and just text back something fun and flirty. “When you coming to get this ass?” Send!

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And then what? He just never responded?

Leslie Jones: Man, I wish. Instead, [Cut to Leslie Jones] he text me back the one text that no man should ever text a woman. “I just ain’t feeling you like that.” I had to read that, man! And when I read, I read out loud. So, my Uber driver was like, “Damn! That’s cold!”

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That is cold. Yes.

Leslie Jones: Oh, it gets worse. [Cut to Leslie Jones] Then he doubles down and texts me and says, “He still wants to be friends because I’m so funny.” Oh, so now I’m a clown? I’m one of those clowns that you don’t wanna have sex with?

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Leslie… Just keep going.

Leslie Jones: And let me tell you something, Colin. [Cut to Leslie Jones] Men should be feeling me like that. They always talk about how they want a strong woman who can stand on her own two feet. Well, here I am with massage 12 and I got my own money. I got you, boo! Hey, if you make me laugh, I’ll even write you off as a business expense. But don’t you ever text me, “I just ain’t feeling you like that.” You come and have sex with me and never call me back like a real gentleman!

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Now, I don’t know. I gotta say, Leslie. Now, you’re always kind of flirting and playing like you wanna sleep with me, but you don’t really feel like that.

Leslie Jones: Oh! Wait a minute! I wanna hit that! Oh, I wanna have sexuals with you Mr. Colin Jost. How am I being shuttle?

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everybody!

Leslie Jones: How am I being shuttle?

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight!

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a calendar marking October 2015 at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: October is Polish American Heritage Month. For more information about Poland, you can google it by sticking out your finger and having two other people move the keyboard up and down.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of map of California at left top corner.]

Michael Che: Police in California are searching for the person who broke into a woman’s house and stole a box containing her late husband’s ashes. It’s like they always say, “No matter what, some bitches always tryna take your man!”

[Picture changes to a Walmart logo and a cop car]

Pennsylvania police arrested a man how was caught masturbating in a Walmart parking lot. That’s how low their prices are.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a Walmart logo and a cop car at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In his defense, he was technically in the loading zone.

Michael Che: No!

[Picture changes to McDonald’s logo and map of New Hampshire]

Colin Jost: A man in New Hampshire was arrested for throwing objects around a local McDonald’s after he ordered a burger without pickles and was given a burger with pickles. The man was embarrassed by the outburst but he doesn’t think it will hurt his campaign [Picture changes to Bernie Sanders] for president.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of police badge at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A police officer in Alabama is retiring after working for 35 years without ever taking a sick day. “What can I say?” said the officer, “I hate my family!”

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of planet Mars at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Researchers have announced they have found the strongest evidence yet of flowing water on Mars. Sadly, all the fountains had signs that read, [Picture changes to drinking water fountain with alien sign on it] “Greens only”. You got long way to go on that planet too.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Dr. Ben Carson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new poll of republican voters shows that Donald Trump is now tied with Ben Carson for first place. With both candidates polling an exactly too many percent (toomany%).

[The picture changes to a Burgen King’s black burger.]

Burger King has introduced a Halloween themed burger that has a black bun. Oh, sure, but when I turn black for Halloween, I’m setting back race relation.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che. Michael Che is not happy with Colin Jost’s joke]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a book ‘A Series of Unfortunate Events’ at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I begged you not to do that. The author who wrote children’s book under the name Lemony Snicket, announced that he is donating $1 million to Planned Parenthood. It’s an amount that will cover a whole series of Unfortunate Events.

[The picture changes to a sea turtle]

Scientists have discovered a sea turtle in the south pacific that is the first glowing reptile ever found. And this just in, it’s been shot by a dentist.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Garth Brooks at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Garth Brooks claims that he has lost all of the new material for an upcoming album after his phone containing the songs died. Or, more likely, killed itself.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: What’s up everyone?

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jeb Bush and Donald Trump at left top corner.]

At a town hall even in New Hampshire this week, Jeb Bush criticized Donald Trump saying he can’t take criticism and needs to “put on his big boy pants.” But I don’t know. Things haven’t been going great recently for guys with big boy pants.

[Picture changes to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden has said he will not participate in the first democratic presidential debate but CNN says they’re still holding an empty podium in case he decides to show up last minute. Which makes me wonder, how boring is this debate gonna be? I mean, the first podium is empty, then you got the [Picture changes to Hillary Clinogn] woman who has already won, [Picture changes to Bernie Sanders] the human Lorax, [Picture changes to three other men] and three mannequins from Joseph A Bank. Che, I’ll give you $1 million right now if you can name any one of those guys.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Um, Chuck Woolery.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: See? And that might have been right. I don’t even know. You can’t even google these guys. You google them, Google’s just like, “Pass!” The only way to make this debate interesting is to have Trump moderate it. Or you have Hillary moderate it and just make it a job interview for Vice President.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton greeting people with audio saying, “I’m Hillary Clinton and I approve this joke.”]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Pope Francis and Kim Davis at right top corner.]

Michael Che: They said Friday that the Pope’s meeting with Kim Davis was just part of a greeting with several other people and does not indicate his support for her position. Yikes! Way to throw her under the [picture changes to a car] Fiat!

[Picture changes to Kim Davis] I mean, of course the Pope would meet with Kim Davis. He’s the pope. That’s his job. He gives hope to the hopeless. The prisoners, the sick, [Picture changes to John Boehner] John Boehner. The pope should be with people who need god the most. If I was pope, I’d be eating Subway sandwiches with Bill Cosby right now. We’d have a lot to talk about.

And say what you will about Kim Davis, but she’s really living a charmed life. I mean, a simple southern woman meeting all these famous and powerful people. She’s like a homophobic Forest Gump.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Also, her husband definitely looks like Bubba.

Miley Cyrus monologue

Miley Cyrus

Rachel Dolezal… Venessa Bayer

Dentist… Taran Killam

Kim Davis… Aidy Bryant

Twerp… Kate McKinnon

Pizza rat… Kenan Thompson

Meek Mill… Michael Che

Drake appear… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Miley Cyrus.

[Miley Cyrus walks in and to the stage. She is wearing a dress with many colorful flowers on it.]

[cheers and applause]

Miley Cyrus: Thank you. Thank you all. Thank you very much. It is so great to be here hosting the season premiere of Saturday Night Live. I love hosting this show because it’s live. So, my parents know where I am for at least 90 minutes. And although tonight, I am on a seven second delay, not a television delay, it’s just when you smoke as much as I do, you’re always on a seven second delay. And, while I’m excited to be here, I’m also kind of sad because it feels like the summer of 2015 has officially come to an end.[music playing] And with that in mind, I’d like to take a moment to say goodbye, to all of those who made this summer what it was. [someone hands over a mic to Miley Cyrus] And while we never thing of any of these people ever, ever again, they certainly did this summer their way.

[singing] And now, the end is near
I’m so afraid, the final curtain

[Rachel Dolezal ‘Claimed to be black for twenty years’ at right side]

my friend, I’ll say it clear
I’ll take my case of which I am certain

[The dentist who killed Cecil the Lion at left side]

I believe life is full
I travel each and every highway

[Kim Davis appears at right side]

The more, slowing this
I did it my way
regrets, I’ve had a few
but then I get, too few to mention

[‘That twerp who raised the price of AIDS medication’ at the right side]

I did what I had to do
and saw it through without redemption

[Pizza rat appears at the right side]

I played each journey

[Meek Mill and Drake beef at left side]

and each and every step out of my way

[‘Lenny Cravitz’s Junk’ at right side. Kim Davis is walking behind him with her arms raised.]

and all of this, I did it my way
yes, there were times
I’m so, you knew,
we know how I bit on
more than I could chew
but through it all
I did it all

[Everybody comes to the stage]

Thank you. Thank you so much. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. I’m here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

Weekend Update Tom Brady

Tom Brady… Taran Killam

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The NFL has suspended Tom Brady for four games without pay due to findings that it is more than probable Brady knew about the deflation of the game balls. Here to comment, it’s Tom Brady.

[Tom Brady slides in]

[Cheers and applause]

Tom Brady: Hello and good evening, Michael. Looking sharp. Let’s have a great interview.

Michael Che: Yes. Let’s. Tom, I’m gonna ask you the hard questions, okay? Did you know they were letting air out of those balls?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Oh, well. I can’t speak to that at this time, Michael. But I do want what’s best for the team and America, and all of you.

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing]

Colin Jost: Aw!

[Cut to Michael Che and Tom Brady]

Michael Che: Jost! Don’t do that! Tom, I’m gonna tell you right now. That Brady charm is not gonna work on me. Okay? These are serious allegations. Do you think punishment is deserved?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: It’s a great question, Michael. Asked by a great guy! But if I’m being honest, [laughing] I’m sorry. I’m still cracking up over Jost’s Jeb Bush joke.

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing]

Colin Jost: Thanks Tom.

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Ah, please call me Tommy.

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing]

Colin Jost: Okay.

[Cut to Michael Che and Tom Brady]

Michael Che: Tom, stop trying to distract us and just answer the questions, man! Do you think you will win the appeal and get a reduced punishment?

Tom Brady: You know, [Cut to Tom Brady] Michael, I was asked that very same question by Evan, my favorite make a wish child.

[Cut to Michael Che and Tom Brady]

Michael Che: Tom, you’re gonna stop being likable and answer my questions, okay? Do you feel any responsibility for the Patriots’ $1 million fine and loss of two draft picks?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: You know, it’s another great question, and I admire your passion. I know my wife does too.

[Cut to Michael Che and Tom Brady]

Michael Che: Tom, I don’t — Wait! Gisele talks about me?

Tom Brady: That’s right. You know my wife?

Michael Che: Yeah, man! It’s Gisele.

Tom Brady: Oh, that’s right. To me, she’s just a mother of my greatest gifts. My American children.

Michael Che: Wait, no! You’re distracting us with your perfectness. Okay? You cheated. You got caught, alright? It’s basically proven. Just face it. Be a man!

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: What kind of man is that, Michael? A man who was a back-up QB in college? Drafted 199th and worked his cute butt off? To win four Superbowls, five NVP awards and more post games seasons– more post season games than anyone in the NFL history?

[Cut to Colin Jost clapping]

Colin Jost: Woo!

Tom Brady: Thank you.

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Thank you. That was a rare Brady flub there, huh, Michael?

[Cut to Michael Che and Tom Brady]

Do you have any idea what kind of pressure that brings, Michael?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

The most! And when you’re under that kind of pressure, sure some air are gonna get squeezed out. But if you thing couple of ounces of air made all the difference in 45-7 win, then I’ve got one thing to say to you, I have no comment at this time and support our troops and god bless the USA.

[Cut to Michael Che and Tom Brady]

Michael Che: Alright! Tom Brady, everyone!

Tom Brady: I’m a gorgeous closed book!

Michael Che: Yeah, we know you are.

[Cut to Colin Jost wiping his tears of joy]