Tag: Michael

Dance Vlog

Janelle… Sasheer Zamata

Teddy Pascalis… Kyle Mooney

Dad… Chris Rock

Michael… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Jannele starting her youtube video]

Janelle: What’s up YouTube? It’s your girl Janelle, A.K.A. Nasty-nelle, A.K.A. Janelle. And I’m pumped to bring you my Dad00th dance tutorial. Shoutout to whoever started that countdown to my Janelle8th birthday. Don’t know what that’s about but whatever. We’re live streaming today, so holla at me in the comment section. And holla at my best friend, he’s one of my day ones. His name is Teddy Pascalis, A.K.A. Pants Gets Wets.

Teddy Pascalis: Nobody calls me that anymore.

Janelle: Yes they do. Anyway, we’re gonna learn the Nae Nae today. A move that came from early African dance, or Miley Cyrus.

[Teddy Pascalis walks in front of the camera]

Teddy Pascalis: Yes, and just so you guys know, dancing is one of my biggest fears. Right after spiders and my older brother Dyan. But I’ll do it for you. [stares at Janelle] I’ll do anything for you.

Janelle: [not noticing] I know, you say it everyday. Okay, [music starts] in order to Nae Nae, [Janelle and Teddy Pascalis stand to dance] you gotta put one arm up like this, right? Teddy, put a little higher. Now, start moving your hips. It’s real easy. All right, get in there. [Janelle is dancing but Teddy Pascalis is just moving his body.] [Dad opens the door and enters the room]

Dad: Hey, hey, Janelle. You’re Janelle5 now. You cannot have the door closed. And there’s a boy in your room. Dad! Oh my god! [music stops] He’s not a boy. He’s just Teddy.

Teddy Pascalis: Yeah.

Janelle: Can you please leave? It’s live streaming.

Dad: Oh, I’m not going anywhere. Your brother told me you’re up here dancing on the internet.

[Michael peeking from the door]

Michael: I did. I told on you. Ooh! You in trouble. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Dad: Michael! Go sweep the driveway.

Michael: Dad! That’s not even a real chore.

Dad: What’s all this?

Janelle: Those are my fans, dad. They are just commenting on the video.

Dad: Okay. [Dad comes close to the computer] Who is Nuggettugget9-5, and why is he saying, “#woodbang”? What the hell is fap? I’m fapping. She makes me wanna fap. Michael! [Michael runs in] What’s fap mean?

Michael: Um, it’s what you caught me doing in my bedroom and we still haven’t talked about it.

[Michael runs out]

Dad: What? Hey, no fapping!

Janelle: Dad, you’re embarrassing me in front of my just my friend.

Teddy Pascalis: I love you.

Janelle: Argh! Dad, can I just finish doing the Nae Nae?

[Janelle starts dancing a little]

Dad: That’s too grown!

Janelle: Okay fine. I’ll show you guys the copperhead. It’s easy. It’s like a standing push up. I barely even move.

Dad: I’m watching you.

[Janelle is showing how to do the copperhead]

Teddy! Keep your hands out of pockets!

Janelle: Okay, let’s try with the music. [music starts and Janelle starts the move] [Janelle starts to shake her butt turning back]

Dad: No, no, no, no! [Dad runs to the computer and starts pressing random buttons on the keyboard.]

Janelle: Dad!

Dad: What’s happening? [He turned the video black & white]

Janelle: Dad! You’re changing the filter. Dad! Stop it!

Dad: Janelle. Either you don’t realize how much your body has matured over the summer, or you’re literally trying to kill me.

Janelle: Dad, there’s nothing sexy about that dance.

Dad: Oh, yeah? Teddy, stand up!

[Teddy is sitting with a pillow covering his lap to stomach.]

Teddy Pascalis: No, thank you sir.

Janelle: What dance am I supposed to do, dad? This is a dance vlog, and it means everything to me.

Dad: Okay, I’ll show you what dancing is. Put on some song.

[Janelle plays a music] [Dad looking at the camera] No fapping!

[Dad starts dancing]

See Janelle? This is dancing. Whoo! [Janelle starts dancing like her dad] Get it! There you go!

[Janelle slowly starts moving her body differently and then dances her own dance.]

Hey! Hey! Stop it!

Janelle: I can’t help it, dad. This is what my body wants to do.

Dad: Do you want me to send you to Catholic school?

Janelle: Oh, my god! Dad! You ruined this for my 3 million viewers. I hate you.

[Janelle walks out]

Dad: 3 million? Teddy go home.

Teddy Pascalis: Still not a great time for me to stand up sir.

Dad: Oh, Teddy! [looking at the computer] How do you turn this thing off?

[Dad presses a button and changes the filter again.]

Ha-ha-ha-ha. I look crazy. The show is over.

[Live stream on YouTube ends.]

Celebrity Sighting

Heidi Gardner

Michael… Bowen Yang

Scarlett Johansson

Bartender… Beck Bennett

Fan… Kate McKinnon

Nick… Mikey Day

[Starts with a clip of a nice restaurant]

Hostess: Hi there, welcome to Le Gulle.

Michael: Yes, hi. Table for two, please.

Hostess: Unfortunately we’re all booked up, but you can wait at the bar. I can see if something opens up.

Scarlett: Are you sure, Michael? I mean, you know what happens when we eat at restaurants.

Michael: I’m sure nobody will notice. I will wait up at the bar. Thank you so much.

[Michael and Scarlett walk to the bar.]

Bartender: Hey, folks. Wait! Don’t I recognize you from somewhere?

Michael: I think you do. [Michael points at a poster showing what to do when choking]

Bartender: Yeah. Oh, that’s right. You’re the people from the choking poster.

Scarlett: The models, yes. Is there anywhere else that we can wait?

Michael: Baby, if we wait somewhere else, the fans are just going to ask us to come back to the poster for pictures.

Bartender: Uh… the fans?

[Cut to Michael and Scarlett]

Scarlett: Yes. Our poster is in every restaurant and kitchen in the city. We are the Jay-Z and Beyonce of the safety posters. We have fans.

Michael: Babe, he was joking.

[Cut to everybody]

Bartender: I wasn’t.

[Cut to Michael and Scarlett]

Scarlett: Our fans are going to find out that we’re here. We should be safe.

Michael: Okay, you’re right.

Scarlett: Miss!

Hostess: How can I help you?

[Hostess walks in]

Scarlett: We’re obviously a little on display here. So, can we just ask when our fans start coming over, we keep them in single file line.

Hostess: Um, okay.

Scarlett: There is a certain group of people who get very excited around us. I see one now.

[Cut to a fan who is Chef staring at them from the kitchen] [Cut to Michael, Scarlett and the hostess]

Michael: Alright, smile. This is special for her. Hi there. Hi.

[The Chef walks in]

Chef: Wow. I can’t believe you’re here. We have your poster back in the kitchen, too.

Scarlett: Very sweet. Thank you. Would you like a selfie?

Chef: Um, that would be– yes. Okay. Can we do the pose?

Scarlett: Normally we don’t like to bring our work home but we’ll make an exception for you.

[Michael and Scarlett pose like they’re choking] [Chef takes a selfie]

Chef: Well, listen. [Cut to the Chef] Sorry. There was this one time, I was tasting something in the kitchen. I start choking. [Cut to everybody] But my sous came and did what was on the poster and I’m still here today. So, thank you.

Scarlett: It’s amazing.

Michael: That’s so sweet.

[Another fan walks in]

Nick : Oh, my god! I’m sorry. I look at you all day. Can you guys record my voicemail greeting?

Michael: Yeah. No problem.

Nick: I’m Nick by the way.

Michael: Okay. [makes choking sound] Leave a message for Nick.

Nick: Thank you. So awesome.

Scarlett: Where’s the girl who said she could control the situation?

Michael: I don’t know.

[Another fan walks in]

Kyle: Hey, I’m from Donahue’s down the block. I got a text you guys were here.

Scarlett: Oh, they’re texting each other.

Michael: If one kitchen knows we’re here, they all know.

[A lot of people come at Michael and Scarlett as their fans]

Kyle: So, were you really choking in the poster?

Alex: Have you ever choked in real life?

Chris: Would you do the pose?

Scarlett: Michael, I’m starting to get worried. Where’s the girl?

Michael: I don’t know. Oh, my god. There’s more of them.

Everybody: Do the pose! Do the pose!

Scarlett: Oh, my god! Baby, I’m scared. Where’s the girl?

Michael: Okay. Get behind me. I’ll protect you. Everyone, take a step.

[Michael starts choking]

Scarlett: Baby! Oh, my god. He’s choking. He’s choking on his gum.

Fan: Do something.

Scarlett: I don’t know how. I’m just a model.

[The Chef runs in]

Chef: I’ve got this. Come on! Don’t go to sleep.

[Michael spits out the gum]

Scarlett: Oh, my god! You saved him.

Michael: Oh, my god! How can we ever repay you?

Chef: I would like another selfie.

Michael: Oh, you could have already got one.

Scarlett: And we have a lot of fans to meet. Let’s get in a single file line now.

Scarlett: Everyone will get a selfie. Everyone’s gonna get a selfie.

Ken Instagram | Season 44 Episode 10

Travis… Kenan Thompson

Deirdre… Cecily Strong

Michael… Pete Davidson

Victoria… Rachel Brosnahan

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a video clip of office building of Mattel]

Deirdre: Good morning, little Barbie interns. [Cut to intern meeting. The interns are sitting and Deirdre and Travis are briefing] Everyone have their morning iced whatevers and their doughy breakfast bready things?

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: That’s enough, Deirdre. Let’s get into it. There is a lot of work to be done. With the popularity of Barbie’s Instagram page, Barbie fans can connect with the brand more than ever before. But one question lingers. Deirdre?

Deirdre: Who is Ken? [Ken appears in the screen between Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: Ken is style. Ken is the ideal boyfriend. Ken is Anglo. Ken is Wall Street. Ken is surf. Ken is sex, but only implied.

Deirdre: So today, we are launching the Instagram page for—

[Cut to interns, Michael, Victoria and Heidi]

Heidi and Victoria: Barbie.

Michael: Deirdre

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: For Ken, damn it.

Deirdre: Breathe Travis. What we need is for you to help us come up with the captions for his Instagram. [Cut to Deirdre and screen with Ken’s picture] So, here’s the first pick. [Cut to Ken’s picture. It looks like he’s looking at a black phone] What do you think Ken would say here?

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: How about, ‘This wallet is black’.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: Oh, it’s not a wallet, it’s a cell phone.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Then why is he staring at it like it’s a wallet?

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: He’s taking a selfie. He’s being young and cool.

Deirdre: Michael, what’s your caption for this?

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: How about ‘Ken’.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis][Deirdre and Travis are speechless]

Travis: Ken? You think Ken would caption his picture? Just ‘Ken’?

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: Right. How about’ Ken’s wallet’.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis][Deirdre and Travis are speechless]

Travis: It’s not a wallet.

Deirdre: Travis just told you he’s taking a selfie.

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: Well, you can’t do that with a wallet.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: Deirdre, help me weather my fury.

Deirdre: It’s okay. Moving on. What’s your caption? [Cut to Victoria] What would Ken say here?

Victoria: Every time I see a picture of myself, I wonder, who am I even for? A I an accessory for Barbie? No more important than her big plastic brush? You know,  I could destroy her with six little words. “I know what’s under the Jacuzzi.”

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis][Deirdre and Travis are speechless]

Travis: Girl, now you listen to me. Ken has no intention of revealing barbie’s secrets for a profit. Ken is for money.

[Cut to Victoria]

Victoria: Ken is not doing it for the money.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Deirdre: Let’s try another picture.

[Cut to picture of Ken bringing Barbie a piece of cake. Barbie is sitting with her puppy.]

Heidi: Okay. New picture. New wallet. [Cut to Heidi] Me, that lady, and baby raccoon.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: That lady is Barbie and she would never own a pet raccoon. That is her Yorkie and Barbie is his whole world.

Deirdre: Yes, captions for Ken. Remember? All right, Michael?

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: I got it. How about, ‘Ken is there’.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: Why would Ken say ‘Ken is there’?

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: Because he is. He wants people to know where they could find him.

[Cut to Travis]

Deirdre: Victoria?

Victoria: Somehow there is never [Cut to Victoria] a chair for me. The dog gets to sit and have a macaroon, but not Ken. Should I tell her I know what’s under the Jacuzzi? No, not yet. Save it for the big party right in the middle of her speech.

[Cut to Travis]

Travis: Listen to me, girl. There is nothing buried under Barbie’s Jacuzzi. I will tell you what’s going on in this picture. Ken bought a macaroon and she reached for her purse and Ken said “No, no, no, no. This is a date.” Then they gave each other a sweet dry kiss period!

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Deirdre: Easy Travis, let’s give this one more good try before we release you permanently. I’ll give you an example. [Cut to picture of Ken, Barbie and another girl] “Oh! Another great party at Barbie’s.”

[Cut to the interns]

Heidi: Oh okay. I got it. ‘I think it’s right behind me. I should tell the raccoon.’

[Cut to Travis]

Travis: I swear to god. If I were a cartoon right now my face would inflate till it popped like a balloon.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Deirdre: Michael, please give us a good caption.

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: We should invite Ken to the party.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Deirdre: Ken is right there.

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: Then who is taking the picture.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Deirdre: I’m sorry. So you think he’s not at the party, but he is taking the picture?

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: Yeah, he’s like that.

[Cut to the interns]

Victoria: Well, the party was last night. I interrupted her speech [Cut to Victoria] and said everyone follow me to the Jacuzzi. They gathered around and when they saw what was there, they were silent. Then they raised their glasses and cheered for Barbie. Later that night she turned to me in bed and asked, Ken whose name is written in pink all over these plastic walls? Is it Ken? I simply whispered, [Whispering] “No. It’s Barbie.” Then she said, “You are lucky I don’t put you outside with the raccoons.”

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: Okay. Well, let’s schedule another meeting for Never-tober.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: I’m sorry, which day in Never-tober? I might have a thing.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Deirdre: The 36th. We’ll see you there.