Don Roy King - Director of Saturday Night Live

Hobbit Office

Bilbo Baggins… Martin Freeman

Gandalf… Bobby Moynihan

Gollum… Taran Killam

[Starts with characters from The Hobbit working in office.]

Bilbo Baggins: What have I been up to? I went on a quest. [Cut to Bilbo Baggins] Saved middle earth. Became a bit of a hero. Did the noble thing and turned down loads of treasure. Yeah, so the brave Hobbit Bilbo Baggins now works at a paper company. Selling paper memes of the phone. And I drive a Jetta.

[Cut to “The Office: Middle Earth” intro. There are farms, horse carriage and people like in The Hobbit.]

[Cut to Gandalf]

Gandalf: So, the woodman comes to me and says, “Thank you, Gandalf, General Manager, for this job.” I say, “Okay, you can talk the talk, but can you walk the walk? Visa V, A.K.A. for you! So maybe one day they end up here, in the up seat. Lord of the rings.

[Cut to a woman in the office. Her phone is ringing.]

[Cut to Gollum calling]

[Cut to Bilbo Baggins]

Gandalf: Gollum? Hate him.

[Cut to Bilbo Baggins and Gollum ]

Bilbo Baggins: I see you’re in lately.

Gollum : [yelling] Oh! Where is it? Where is it? [looking for something everywhere.]

[He opens his desk drawer and finds the ring inside the jelly.]

Oh! Ha-ha. Hilarious. Very funny. I’m fairly amused.

[Cut to Bilbo Baggins laughing]

Ew!

[Cut to Gandalf]

Gandalf: Ring in the jelly, huh?

Gollum : Are you gonna do something about this?

Bilbo Baggins: That wasn’t me.

Gollum : Then who was it?

Bilbo Baggins: I have no idea.

Gollum : Oh, sure you do.

Gandalf: Don’t touch it. Oh! [Gandalf is putting the ring on and off] Sexual!

[Cut to Gandalf in his office]

Gandalf: More so than a boss, I’m more of a chilled out entertainer/wizard.

[Cut to Bilbo Baggins, Gandalf and Gollum ]

Gandalf: You wanna hear a joke? Why do Orcs have such big penises?

[Orc walks in]

It’s to dis– Oh, yeah!

Bilbo Baggins: Gandalf, why do they have such big penises?

[Orc speaks in another language but the caption reads, “To distract from their faces, right?”]

Gandalf: Hello! Racist!

[Gandalf leaves]

[Cut to Gandalf and Gollum ]

Gollum : Relax, Gandalf. He’s a funny man. No, he’s stupid and fat.

[Cut to Bilbo Baggins and a woman elf. She is calling Gollum .]

Gollum : Hello?

Woman elf: You have a very important client to see you in the woman’s restroom.

Gollum : What?

[Gollum looks here and there, straightened his tie and left.]

Bilbo Baggins: He straightened his tie. He straightened his tie. He went.

[Cut to the door of women’s bathroom]

Screaming woman: Ah! Get out!

[Gollum walks out]

[Bilbo Baggins and the woman elf acting to be busy.]

Bilbo Baggins: So, can you get on to that in next couple of hours?

Woman elf: Yes.

[Cut to Gollum ]

Gollum : That was nasty tricksies!

[Cut to Orc and Bilbo Baggins eating facing each other.]

[Cut to Bilbo Baggins and Gandalf running into each other.]

Bilbo Baggins: Hi Gandalf.

Gandalf: Dildo Baggins?

[Cut to everybody having fun in the office.]

[Gandalf starts dancing and others don’t like it.]

[Cut to Bilbo Baggins]

Bilbo Baggins: Well, you don’t choose the people you work with.

[Cut to Bilbo Baggins and Gollum . Gollum is eating a raw fish and Bilbo Baggins is disgusted.]

[Cut to Bilbo Baggins]

Bilbo Baggins: Or go on a quest with.

[Cut to Bilbo Baggins and woman elf looking at each other in the meeting]

So, when you have a connection with someone, that means something.

[Cut to woman elf running with her bow and arrows.]

Woman elf: Everybody, they’ve breached the wall.

[Everyone is preparing for the battle.]

Bilbo Baggins: Okay, there’s now giant spiders in the parking lot.

[Bilbo Baggins also joins others for the battle.]

[Cut to Gandalf]

Gandalf: Those shall not pass! Cheeky!

Charlie Rose

Charlie Rose… Taran Killam

James Mitchell… Bobby Moynihan

Bruce Jessen… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Charlie Rose intro]

Announcer: From our studios in New York city, this is Charlie Rose.

[Cut to Charlie Rose in his set.]

[cheers and applause]

Charlie Rose: Good evening and welcome to program this week. Senate democrats release their reports of the CIA’s use of torture. Which is a subject that is near and dear to my heart as a man who has been isolated in a dark room for the past 20 years. The report is like a menu from the cheesecake factory. 600 pages of sickening details and yet I couldn’t put it down. Perhaps the most shocking revelation was that two clinical psychologists were paid over $80 million to brainstorm types of torture that CIA could use. Joining us tonight are those two psychologists, [Cut to James Mitchell and Bruce Jessen] James Mitchell and Bruce Jessen.

James Mitchell: Thank you for having us, Charlie.

Bruce Jessen: Really great to get our names out there.

[Cut to Charlie Rose, James Mitchell and Bruce Jessen]

Charlie Rose: Now, you two were the architects for this entire CIA program.

James Mitchell: Correct. We were hired as consultants and helped create it.

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: All the torture techniques we’ve been reading about, that was you guys?

[Cut to James Mitchell and Bruce Jessen]

James Mitchell: Well it was a team effort, obviously. I mean, there’s no ‘I’ in torture, so.

Bruce Jessen: There are eyes sometimes. You know, you get the point.

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: [laughing] I do. And for your work, the government paid you $80 million. That’s a lot of money.

[Cut to James Mitchell and Bruce Jessen]

Bruce Jessen: Yes, Charlie, but you have to remember, that’s divided two ways.

[Cut to Charlie Rose]
Charlie Rose: Of course. Now, are you surprised by the public outcry that’s come from what you’ve done?

[Cut to James Mitchell and Bruce Jessen]

James Mitchell: We are. It’s upsetting and honestly, we’re just afraid that people will only judge us from our CIA work.

Bruce Jessen: Yeah, we don’t wanna get pigeon hold.

James Mitchell: No, we don’t wanna be known just as “The rectal feeding guys.”

Bruce Jessen: Because CIA torture, it’s only a very small part of what we do.

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: Oh, I see. I see you have other clients as well?

[Cut to James Mitchell and Bruce Jessen]

James Mitchell: Oh, definitely. We’re consultants for some of the top corporations in America.

Bruce Jessen: For example, are you familiar with Time Warner cable?

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: You work with Time Warner?

[Cut to James Mitchell and Bruce Jessen]

Bruce Jessen: We do all their customer service.

James Mitchell: It was our idea that when you call on the phone, you have to ask a robot to speak to a human.

Bruce Jessen: Oh, and when it starts with ‘Marque Tos’ for Espanol, that’s not really a thing.

James Mitchell: Yeah, if you press two, it just hangs up. We were also the ones who approached coach Cowher to do those Time Warner commercials. Have you seen those?

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: Yes, I have. They are torture.

[Cut to James Mitchell and Bruce Jessen]

James Mitchell: Exactly.

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: Tell me, how did this all start?

[Cut to James Mitchell and Bruce Jessen]

Bruce Jessen: Well, we got our big break working with the TSA. That thing, where you have to take your laptop and your bag for security. How did people fall for that one?

James Mitchell: I mean, what? The X-rays can’t go through a bag? [laughing] We never thought we’d get away with that.

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: So, your handy work is nearly everywhere.

[Cut to James Mitchell and Bruce Jessen]

James Mitchell: Oh, yeah. From small projects like one man shows.

Bruce Jessen: We invented one man shows.

James Mitchell: Yeah, to larger projects like grocery stores.

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: Grocery stores?

[Cut to James Mitchell and Bruce Jessen]

Bruce Jessen: Yes. We created the concept of self check-out.

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: Now, doesn’t that help people?

[Cut to James Mitchell and Bruce Jessen]

James Mitchell: You see, that’s the beauty of it. People don’t even realize it’s a actually torture.

Bruce Jessen: You unpack your own groceries, scan them yourself all while a human cashier is standing five feet away watching you. Then, right when you think the payment went through, the screen says, “See Cashier.”

James Mitchell: I mean, [laughing] that’s genius.

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: It is. It is very creative.

[Cut to James Mitchell an Bruce Jessen]
Bruce Jessen: Exactly. So, do we judge just on CIA stuff, it seems pretty unfair.

James Mitchell: Yeah, when people say torture, they think of some guy chained to a wall naked in a cold dark room.

Bruce Jessen: Yeah, some medieval torture with a black hood on.

James Mitchell: And don’t get me wrong, we use hoods.

Bruce Jessen: You gotta use a hood.

James Mitchell: Oh, you got to!

Bruce Jessen: But that’s not our main thing.

James Mitchell: After all, there’s more than one way to skin a cat.

Bruce Jessen: In fact, we know the exact number.

James Mitchell: It’s 19. Also, just so people don’t get the wrong idea, we do probono work as well.

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: You mean, charities?

[Cut to James Mitchell an Bruce Jessen]

James Mitchell: Yeah, like…

[singing] 1877 kars for kids

K-A-R-S kars for kids

That’s us too. So, you’re welcome kids. Or, kars. We’re not really sure how that charity works.

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: Um, looking back, any regrets?

[Cut to James Mitchell an Bruce Jessen]

Bruce Jessen: Regrets? Hmm.

James Mitchell: I mean, not really. Well, maybe auto-correct.

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: Auto-correct? Really? That was you guys?

[Cut to James Mitchell an Bruce Jessen]

James Mitchell: It sure ducking was.

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: Alright, lets take a break. When we come back, I’ll read a passage and they have to guess whether it’s from CIA torture report or one of those hacked emails from Sony.

[Cut to James Mitchell an Bruce Jessen]

James Mitchell: Oh, that’s gonna be fun.

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: Oh! And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Assembly Line

Mr. Rudoman… Martin Freeman

Gordon… Taran Killam

[Starts with a video clip of Heinz factory.]

Mr. Rudoman: Okay, Gordon. [Cut to inside the ketchup factory] This is your station.

Gordon: Oh, great. Thank you so much, Mr. Rudoman for this opportunity. It’s just so hard to find good work these days.

Mr. Rudoman: Oh, it’s quite simple actually. You ever worked on assembly line?

Gordon: Never.

Mr. Rudoman: Not a problem. Couldn’t be easier. Now, this is the master control for the assembly line that puts the labels on the ketchup bottles. You just watch the light. When it turns green, you pull this lever- this lever, and that starts the assembly line. And the only time you have to do anything else is if the light turns yellow, which means there is a safety issue. Then you push the lever back up. Hopefully that never happens. Then at the end of the day, you just push up the lever and shut down the assembly line. You got it?

Gordon: Uh-huh.

Mr. Rudoman: You have any questions, come find me.

Gordon: Okay. So, I build it?

Mr. Rudoman: [confused] Right. You– wait, no, what?

Gordon: I’m sorry. I assemble it?

Mr. Rudoman: [confused] No, gordon.

Gordon: Okay.

Mr. Rudoman: This controls the assembly line. You just start and stop.

Gordon: Oh, I’m sorry. I’m so nervous. I love ketchup. Okay, so I move it?

Mr. Rudoman: [confused] Move?

Gordon: Or spin it?

Mr. Rudoman: Spin what?

Gordon: The line.

Mr. Rudoman: No. No, the assembly line moves itself. This is the lever to start and stop it. Green, you pull it. Yellow, push it.

Gordon: Blue?

Mr. Rudoman: here’s no blue.
Gordon: Good to know.

Mr. Rudoman: Here, watch. When this little light turns green, I pull like this. Then I leave it alone, unless the light turns yellow, then I push it like this.

Gordon: So, never actually touch it.

Mr. Rudoman: No, I’m miming because if I actually move it–

Gordon: It turns yellow.

Mr. Rudoman: No! The assembly line starts.

Gordon: Which I move by hand.

Mr. Rudoman: Wrong. How are you not getting this?

Gordon: I’m as baffled as you are.

Mr. Rudoman: Alright. I need you to listen very carefully.

Gordon: Okay.

Mr. Rudoman: When this light turns green…

Gordon: Light turns green.

Mr. Rudoman: Pull the lever down.

Gordon: Pull the lever.

Mr. Rudoman: And leave the lever alone.

Gordon: Don’t touch it again.

Mr. Rudoman: Unless…

Gordon: There’s more.

Mr. Rudoman: The same light turns yellow.

Gordon: Oh, it’s the same light.

Mr. Rudoman: That means something’s wrong.

Gordon: Oh, dear!

Mr. Rudoman: Then, push the lever back up.

Gordon: Now, we push the lever.

Mr. Rudoman: But only if the light turns yellow.

Gordon: Or blue.

Mr. Rudoman: There is no blue. Only yellow. If it never turns yellow, we…

Gordon: Never touch the lever.

Mr. Rudoman: Correct.

Gordon: Question.

Mr. Rudoman: Sure.

Gordon: What’s a lever?

Mr. Rudoman: Seriously?

Gordon: I take my work very seriously.

Mr. Rudoman: See this? That’s the lever.

Gordon: Oh, the stick?

Mr. Rudoman: Uh-huh.

Gordon: Oh! Is that what you’re talking about the whole time?

Mr. Rudoman: Yes!

Gordon: Ah! It’s so easy. Okay, so, green light comes on, pull the lever, leave it unless a different light–

Mr. Rudoman: No, same light.

Gordon: Same light… turns blue…

Mr. Rudoman: [yelling] Yellow!

Gordon: Yellow. Push it up. And then at the end of the day, stop it. That’s it.

Mr. Rudoman: Yep. All clear?

Gordon: Perfectly. I’m so sorry.

Mr. Rudoman: It’s very simple.

Gordon: I see that now.

Mr. Rudoman: Alright. Goodbye.

[Mr. Rudoman leaves]

Gordon: Okay. So, wait for it. [Gordon is waiting for the light] Wait for it. Wait for it.

[the light turns green]

Green light. Pull the lever. [Gordon pulls the lever.] It starts. Okay. Just leave it. That’s so simple. Oh, the ketchup. It’s not that hard.

[the light turns blue]

Blue light?

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on 420Singles.com

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: With more and more states legalizing marijuana, many businesses have begun to cater to users of the drug, including dating websites such as 4Leslie Jones0singles.com. Here to comment is Weekend Update relationship expert, Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Leslie Jones: Yeah! How are you doing, Colin? Great to be here.

Colin Jost: Great to have you back, Leslie. So, what do you think about this dating website for people who smoke weed?

Leslie Jones: Man, I think it’s great! [Cut to Leslie Jones] Coz you gotta be high to go on a date with a stranger. You know what I’m saying? Have you seen “Criminal Minds?” But you gotta be careful because some of those people on those sites do a lot of other drugs other than weed. You know what I’m saying? Like, crazy white folks drugs. Like, mushrooms. I went out with one of them dudes on that site and he wanted me to try mushrooms. Ay, you know me, Jost. [Cut to Colin Jost and Leslie Jones] You know, I try anything. You know what I’m saying? At least one time. You know? Like, dating sites, white dudes, you know what I’m saying? Might as well add mushrooms to the list. I’m trying it all coz I’m open, you know what I’m saying? Open.

Colin Jost: I don’t think anyone doubts that.

Leslie Jones: Well, however open you thought I was, triple it. [Cut to Leslie Jones] But what I found out people, what I found out is that black people, they don’t need to do mushrooms. It’s not for us. We’ve been through too damn much. You know what I’m saying? We’ve been through too much stuff that we have locked behind doors in our minds that the mushrooms have keys to. Man, when I took the mushrooms, I talked to Harriet Tubman for two hours. And I ain’t even asking none of the good questions. I was like, “Um, so for this underground railroad, Harriet, can I use my metro card? How many stops to freedom, Harriet? I don’t want to be on this train all night.” And then I tried to explain to her HBO and Showtime are not friends. Why do they keep putting them in the same package? They don’t even like each other.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Leslie Jones. Leslie Jones looks at Colin Jost and Colin Jost keeps his mouth zipped.]

Then she looked at me and she said, “Bitch, I don’t know. [Cut to Leslie Jones] I don’t have cable. I am from the 1800s.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Leslie Jones. Leslie Jones is asking Colin Jost.]

Have you ever been called a bitch? By Harriet Tubman, Jost?

Colin Jost: Definitely not.

Leslie Jones: I know you ain’t, you refreshing peppermint paddy. Let me be your chocolate on your paddy.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

So, I’m sticking to weed, you know what I’m saying? Because talking to Harriet Tubman is not a good date. You wanna date with me, bring me flower. And when I say flowers, I mean weed. Because I smoke my flowers.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Leslie Jones]

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everybody!

Weekend Update Kim Kardashian

Colin Jost

Kim Kardashian… Nicki Minaj

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: On Thursday, Kim Kardashian attended a launch party at Art Basel in Miami or the issue of Paper magazine featuring her now famous nude photos. Here to comment on those photos is Kim Kardashian.

[Kim Kardashian slides in]

Kim Kardashian: Hi. Hi you guys, it’s me Kim.

Colin Jost: Welcome, Kim. Now, I have to ask, what was the idea behind these nude photos.

Kim Kardashian: Well Colin, the entire thing was completely misinterpreted. Like, look at this photo. [Cut to a picture of Kim Kardashian’s nude photo but the face is of Nicki Minaj.]

Colin Jost: Uh-huh. Yes.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Kim Kardashian]

Kim Kardashian: Do you notice anything?

Colin Jost: I definitely notice something, yes.

Kim Kardashian: There’s no background to the photo. [Cut to Kim Kardashian] They forgot to put the backgrounds in so the photos are completely out of context. Here’s the same photo with the proper background.

[Cut to the same picture, but now she is in a hospital where the doctor is looking at her vagina with a torch.]

[Cut to Kim Kardashian]

Kim Kardashian: See? It was actually a public service announcement about getting regular check-ups from your gynecologist. Or, this photo with the champagne.

[Cut to a picture of Kim Kardashian opening a champagne.]

Now, let’s see it with the right background.

[The picture changes to her teaching in class in front of the classroom board.]

[Cut to Kim Kardashian]

See? It was actually a part of a math competition for a high school seniors.

Colin Jost: Oh, it’s nice.

Kim Kardashian: And spoiler alert, x equals full frontal.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Kim Kardashian]

Colin Jost: I guess learning can be fun.

Kim Kardashian: How about this one?

[Cut to a nude photo of Kim Kardashain from the back.]

Notice how my rear end is all oily.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Kim Kardashian]

Colin Jost: Um, yeah, I did notice that as well.

Kim Kardashian: Well, look at the background.

[Cut to the same picture, but now she is on a beach. There is a bird on her butt.]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Kim Kardashian]

See, it’s a warning about the Keystone pipeline.

Colin Jost: Well, you know, you have some real vision, Kim. You know?

Kim Kardashian: And finally, take a look at this one.

[Cut to nude picture of Kim Kardashian from the front.]

Colin Jost: Okay, now what was that supposed to be?

[Cut to Colin Jost and Kim Kardashian]

Kim Kardashian: It was gonna be my Hanukkah card for my Jewish friends.

[Cut to a candle 9 candle holder. But instead of candles, there are pictures of Kim Kardashain from previous photo. And there are lights on her heads.]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Kim Kardashian]

Colin Jost: Kim Kardashian, everyone!

Kim Kardashian: Bye!

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update Anthony Crispino

Michael Che

Anthony Crispino… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Michael Che in his set.]

Michael Che: Well, there’s been a lot of news in the news this week. But here to tell us the news he heard second hand is our second hand news correspondent, Anthony Crispino.

[Anthony Crispino slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Anthony Crispino: Hey. Oh! How you dong, there Mikey. Hey, congrats on the new gig, man. Very nice.

Michael Che: Ah, thanks man.

Anthony Crispino: Ay, come on, man! Be humble. People are watching. What are you doing? Come on.

[Anthony Crispino is looking here and there.]

Michael Che: Alright. Anthony, so– Anthony, so what’s in the news this week?

Anthony Crispino: Uh, you heard about this thing? You know, it’s Christmas time. They had a tree lighting hosted by the Rock and old Yellow. Yeap!

Michael Che: No, it was at Rockefeller Center.

Anthony Crispino: Um, I’m pretty sure it was it was the Rock and old Yellow who hosted it. You know? [Cut to Anthony Crispino] It was a huge event. You know? There was a big musical performance by Drew Carrey.

[Cut to Anthony Crispino and Michael Che]

Michael Che: No, it was Mariah Carey.

Anthony Crispino: Um, sounded more like Drew Carrey. You know? Coz, he messed up and forgot who’s line it was anyway. So…

[Anthony Crispino is still looking here and there.]

Michael Che: Okay. And where did you hear that?

Anthony Crispino: Where did I hear that? I heard it from the owner of my local tanning saloon, Lawrence Fleshburn. Yeap, that’s the guy who told me.

Michael Che: Well, I’m sorry. But Lawrence Fleshburn was mistaken.

Anthony Crispino: Okay. Alright. Lawrence Fleshburn, whole different guy. Not a good guy but, um–

Michael Che: But, I don’t think either one of them said it.

Anthony Crispino: No, not either one of them. But, you hear about this thing? The space prostitutes?

Michael Che: What?
Anthony Crispino: Yeah! Star-whores. They lock themselves n a trailer and they said they won’t come out for a year. Yeah!

Michael Che: It was a Star Wars trailer. The movie comes out in a year.

[Cut to Anthony Crispino]

Anthony Crispino: I agree to disagree, huh. You know, but, um.. you heard about this guy from the Jefferson Shermon Holmsley? Yeah, People magazine voted him the sexiest man yet alive. Yeap. [Cut to Anthony Crispino and Michael Che] He’s moving on up that guy.

Michael Che: Chris Hemsworth was voted sexiest man alive. Anthony, where did you hear any of that?

[Cut to Anthony Crispino]

Anthony Crispino: Um, from my elderly salsa dealer, old Mel Paso. [Cut to Anthony Crispino and Michael Che] That’s who told me.

Michael Che: Okay. Well, I think he was misinformed.

Anthony Crispino: Okay, alright.

Michael Che: Anything else, Anthony?

Anthony Crispino: Um, well, I’m afraid. You know, I got some upsetting news for the fans of a very beloved fatherly figure. Bing Crosby.

Michael Che: Oh no.

Anthony Crispino: Yeah. I know. It turns out he’s a rap artist or rap-ist as the kids say today.

Michael Che: No.

Anthony Crispino: No. Turns out he’s been rapping for years.

Michael Che: No, no, no, no.

Anthony Crispino: No? [Cut to Anthony Crispino] That’s what Bing Crosby did when they asked him about him. He just shook his head no.

[Cut to Anthony Crispino and Michael Che]

Michael Che: I’m not even gonna touch that one.

Anthony Crispino: Hey, hey, Bing Crosby would. So…

[Anthony Crispino is looking away]

Michael Che: Anthony. It’s Bill Cosby.

Anthony Crispino: Um, pretty sure it’s Bing Crosby, though there Mike.

Michael Che: But it’s not.

Anthony Crispino: Ummmm, I’m pretty sure.

Michael Che: No!

Anthony Crispino: Ummmmmmmm, pretty sure!

Michael Che: No!

[Cut to Anthony Crispino. Anthony Crispino makes some kind of noise, then coughs.]

Anthony Crispino: Excuse me. I swallowed a chipmunk on my way here this morning.

[Cut to Anthony Crispino and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Anthony Crispino, everyone!

Anthony Crispino: Hey, keep doing the good stuff.

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set.]

Michael Che: US health officials have released new federal guidelines on circumcision. The guidelines are titled, “Tips for tips.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Pizza Hut logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Pizza Hut is trying out a new tablet based menu that relies purely on customer’s eye movements to create their perfect pizza. Finally, a way around the rigorous work of pointing.

[Picture changes to Black Peter and Saint Nicholas.]

A debate has renewed in Netherlands this week over the country’s Christmas tradition of Black Peter, who is a Black faced assistant to white Saint Nicholas. I don’t know how the debate turned out, because once I Googled the word ‘Black Peter’, work took away my internet.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a man playing golf and a monkey at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was your second time though. While playing in a tournament in South Africa, pro golfer Luke Donald was chased off the course by a charging Baboon. Nice try golf, but you’re still boring.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There is a picture of marijuana leaf at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Researchers are developing a new breathalyzer that can detect if a person has recently smoked marijuana. They’re calling it, ‘a nose’.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of

Michael Che: Attorney Gloria Allred has challenged Bill Cosby the ways the statute of limitations and meet his accuses in court. Cosby has agreed, but only if the court is a Grand Jury in Staten Island.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of a calendar at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The day of the week with the most work place murders is Monday. This according to a really dark snapple cap.

[Picture changes to Amazon package.]

Amazon this week launched a line of diapers that they say offer parents a new level of transparency about the material used to make them. Because if there’s one thing that people want in a diaper, it’s transparency.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a laptop that has ‘Girl Scouts’ in it’s screen.]

Michael Che: The Girl Scouts have announced that for the first time their cookies will be available for sale on the internet. The way it works is you contact the Girl Scout on the internet and then cookies are waiting for you in prison.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

[cheers and applause]

Michael Che: Good evening. Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of US flat, Police Department of New York badge and jury chairs at left top corner.]

A Staten Island Grand Jury on Wednesday decided not to indict a New York city police officer in the death of Eric Garner. Because I guess even the jury didn’t wanna see him like they were resisting police.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Come on, man! Give them a break, Colin. It was a tough call. It’s not like there was video of it.

Colin Jost: Oh, well, actually there was.

Michael Che: Oh, but I mean it was inadmissible in court.

Colin Jost: Oh, no. The jury saw it.

Michael Che: They saw the video but it was like blurry and far away.

Colin Jost: Actually it was pretty clear and close up.

Michael Che: Oh, so the cop didn’t really choke that guy?

Colin Jost: Oh, no, he definitely did.

Michael Che: Well, I mean its sad but Garner shouldn’t have killed all those people, if, you know–

Colin Jost: Well, actually he was just selling lose cigarettes.

Michael Che: Oh, for real?

Colin Jost: Che, you honestly not know any of this?

Michael Che: No, I knew it, I’m just surprised every damn time I hear it. It never gets easier.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of jury chairs at right top corner.]

Both Grand Juries failed to indict those cops? You know, it used to be, “You said you were racist to get out of jury duty.” Now, being racist seems like a requirement. I mean, these decisions were so bad that I might actually stop avoiding jury duty. And usually, I can’t serve because of my children. They’re both very sick and very made up. But now, I can’t wait to go. I might just show up at court and see if they take walk-ins. Better juries are our only hope. It’s either that or we can play these videos and and photo negative so that the cops are black and the victims are white. And then, maybe somebody will go to jail.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Staten Island map on left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Look, here’s the thing, okay? I’m from Staten Island, okay? Staten Island is a great place to live. It is a terrible place to hold a Grand Jury involving race and cops. Staten Island was like 80% white and like, 95% cops. The other 5% is split between firefighters and members of the Wu Tang Clan. That’s why nothing about this Grand Jury seemed fair. It’s like when they move the Rodney King trial to the whitest suburb of LA, or for people under 30, [Picture changes to a scene in Game of Thrones.] it’s like Peter Dinklage was on trial in Game of Thrones and his dad was the judge. So, please, everyone sake, please, keep the cop trials out of Staten Island. We’re not ready for these complicated modern issues yet. We still arrive in Manhattan everyday huddled in a boat.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of power cut in Detroit.]

Michael Che: In other news, a major power outage struck Detroit this week leaving roughly 100 buildings without power. The problem will be fixed once someone in Detroit notices the difference.

[Picture changes to Oprah Winfrey.]

According to a recently released report, authorities in Michael Che009 stopped a terrorist plot to bomb Oprah Winfrey Studios. Which explains why Oprah was always saying, “Everybody look under your seats.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Monica Bellucci.]

Colin Jost: It was announced this week that the next James Bond movie will feature actress Monica Bellucci, who at 50 will be the oldest Bond girl ever. Said Bellucci, “Please stop describing me that way.”

Star Wars The Force Awakens Teaser

Han Solo… Taran Killam

Finn… Jay Pharoan

Princess Leia… Bobby Moynihan

Luke Skywalker… James Franco

Lando… Kenan Thompson

Tendra … Leslie Jones

[Starts with men flying future jets. It’s a Star Wars trailer.]

Male voice: There is an alliance of heroes. The new and the old.

[They have future weapons and space ships.]

[Cut to the space ship war scene]

[Cut to Han Solo]

Han Solo: I’m Han Solo. Captain of the Millennium Falcon.

[Cut to Finn]

Finn: I need to find Luke Skywalker.

Han Solo: What?

Finn: I need to find Luke Skywalker.

[Cut to Han Solo]

Han Solo: Alright. Wait. What?

Finn: Can you help me find Luke Skywalker?

Han Solo: Hold on! I’ll take the early bird special.

[Cut to Princess Leia with RFinnDFinn]

Princess Leia: Let’s see what we got here. I’m done with the menu. I don’t want the menu. I want to record– Hey, Han! How do you work this freaking thing?

[Cut to Luke Skywalker in a cave of the dessert]

Male voice: Luke! Luke

Luke Skywalker: I see there’s Devin’s in the forest. I must go.

[Luke Skywalker turns his equipment on. It becomes support walker of lasers.]

[Cut to Han Solo in a space ship]

Han Solo: Joey!

Joey: I thought you’ll fix it.

Han Solo: Take your damn glider off!

[Cut to Lando looking outside from home.]

Tendra: Lando! Did you fix the dishwasher yet?

[Cut to Lando and Tendra]

Lando: Baby, please.

[Cut to Tendra]

Tendra: Get your ass in here and fix it.

[Cut to Lando and Tendra]

Lando: But I got on my cape. I shouldn’t have to do no dam chores.

Tendra: What?

Lando: Nothing.

Tendra: Damn what?

[Cut to Han Solo and Princess Leia walking in a corridor. BB-8 passes by.]

Han Solo: Hold on, hold on!

[Han Solo lets BB-8 cross.]

Han Solo: What the [bleep] was that?

[Cut to Luke Skywalker. He’s levitating the medicines and puts them to the weekly scheduled container.]

Luke Skywalker: I have a thyroid issue like my father before me.

[Cut to a ship flying on desert.]

[Cut to Star Wars: The Force Awakens video bumper.]