Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 2

09b: Ryan Reynolds / Lady Gaga

Deep House Dish

DJ Dynasty Handbag…..Kenan Thompson
T’Shane…..Andy Samberg
…..Madonna
…..Lady Gaga
Miss Ice Tia…..Kristen Wiig
Danny McCooz…..Ryan Reynolds

[Techno music is playing in the background. MTV 4 logo appears]

Announcer Voice Over: You are watching MTV 4. The alternative to the alternative. 99% awesome… 100% of the time. Next up Deep House Dish.

[Logo of Deep House Dish appears on screen. Logo Shatters and cuts to DJ Dynasty Handbag dancing on a pedestal while T’Shane is sitting on the couch.]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Welcome to Deep House Dish. The only show devoted to house music and dishing out the latest house and techno music stars. Alright! (Snaps fingers)

[DJ Dynasty Handbag walks back to the couch and sits beside T’Shane]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: And Now! Here with our brand new segment on Deep House called rumour alert is my good friend and co-host T’Shane.

[DJ Dynasty Handbag starts to give multiple high fives with both hands to T’Shane. Camera cuts to T’Shane]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Ok T’Shane do your worst.

[T’Shane grabs a hidden mic that was beside him]

T’Shane: Rumour Alert! (T’Shane’s voice echoes in the studio)

[T’Shane smiles and happy about the sound and outcome of the voice effect]

T’Shane: What pop diva told her band to quite eating Freeto’s on the tour bus?

[T’Shane is waiting for someone to answer his question. Camera cuts back to both T’Shane and DJ Dynasty Handbag sitting on the couch.]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Well? What’s! What’s the answer?

T’Shane: Oh I don’t know I just wanted to use the echo mic.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Oooo weee T’Shane. You just emberrassed yourself in front of erve’body in our studio erea. OK?

[T’Shane is sad about the embarrassing act. T’Shane picks up the Echo mic]

T’Shane: Ball rat! (T’Shane’s voice echoes in the studio)

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Moving on. Our first guest is performing at club quarantine. It used to be a Dollar Treat beside Ricky’s beauty supply on Aferson Drive. Please put your hand me together for Miss Ice Tia.

[Camera cuts to Miss Ice Tia ready to perform her song “Not Good Enough”.]

Miss Ice Tia: (sings)
“I give you my best but my best wasn’t good enough because my best isn’t very good.
I shall be good but my good is oh so bad and not the bad that means good.
My good is bad and my bad is worse another person worse would be so very good for me. So so so very good for me.”

[Miss Ice Tia starts to dance]

[Camera cuts to DJ Dynasty Handbag and T’Shane on the couch clapping at the performance of Miss Ice Tia]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Oh Oh wee Tia. Bring yourself over to me.

[DJ Dynasty Handbag makes a gesture for Miss Ice Tia to sit beside him on the couch]

[Miss Ice Tia site on the couch beside DJ Dynasty Handbag]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Tia! Now you have touched so many people’s hearts with this song. What made you write it?

Miss Ice Tia: I wrote d’this because I have MAD low self esteem. So…I don’t think anything of myself and I want to shout it from the roof tops.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: I love how up front you are.

Miss Ice Tia: I will not accept that compliment I am a loser HOOLLA!!

T’Shane (with the echo mic:) HOOLLA!!

[T’Shane’s voice echoes in the studio]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Next up. Turn your ears and your eyes towards Danny McCooz singing his hit songs “Status Update”.

[Camera cuts to Danny McCooz between two female dances ready to sing “Status Update”]

[Techno music plays while the two female dancers start to dance.]

Danny McCooz:
“Danny McCooz is…
Danny McCooz is…”

[A Facebook status window appears on screen with “Danny McCooz is..” as the status.]

Danny McCooz:
“Danny McCooz is heading to Cosco.
Danny McCooz is everybody chill.
Danny McCooz is happy it’s Friday.
Danny McCooz is keeping it real. “

[Danny McCooz starts to do the Robot Dance.]

Danny McCooz:
“Hid my status update.
Don’t ignore my status update.
Danny McCooz is Molly Ringwold in the 16 Candles quiz.
Danny McCooz likes this.
Danny McCooz is…”

[Techno music stops]

[Camera cuts to DJ Dynasty Handbag and T’Shane on the couch clapping at the performance of Danny McCooz]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: OOHHH! OOHHH! Danny you sure is. You sure is. Now here sit down.

[DJ Dynasty Handbag makes a gesture for Danny McCooz to sit beside him on the couch. Miss Ice Tia is no longer on the couch.]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: And tell us how this song came about.

Danny McCooz: Well I just picked my most interesting facebook status moments and copied them down on paper. Then..uh… DJ friend of mine who owes me money for cocaine put beats to it. I am so blessed.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Oh you are. You are.. and so are we. Your facebook status should say “Danny McCooz is a mega mega mega mega talent”

Danny McCooz: It does.

T’Shane: Hey peeps! Rumor Alert. What DJ who hosts a house music talk show was seen shopping for Capri pants at Lane Bryant.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: They were for my sister!!

T’Shane: Then why did you try them on?

DJ Dynasty Handbag: My sister and I are built the same. Moving on… Oh my lord I am so excited. So excited. Please give it up. Two exciting entertainers performing together for the very first time. Lady Gaga and Madonna.

[Camera cuts to Lady Gaga and Madonna ready to perform. Techno music starts to play.]

[Lady Gaga and Madonna start to dance.]

Lady Gaga: (sings)
“Watch me Work.
What’s wrong Madonna can’t get into the groove”

[Lady Gaga and Madonna continue to dance]

Lady Gaga: I got 5!

[Lady Gaga and Madonna stop dancing and turn to each other]

[Madonna sings in Lady Gaga’s direction]

Madonna: (sings)
“Looks like your wig needs a fix…”

[Madonna starts to pull Lady Gaga’s hair. Lady Gaga screams in pain.]

Lady Gaga: No No No.

[Lady Gaga pushes Madonna away. Camera cuts to DJ Dynasty Handbag and T’Shane on the couch worried about the fight between Lady Gaga and Madonna]

Background singers: You are such a little bitch.

Lady Gaga: “So So So.”

Madonna: What the hell is a Disco stick?

[Madonna reaches for Lady Gaga’s neck and starts to choke her.]

Lady Gaga: “I think you know”.

[Lady Gaga reaches for Madonna’s neck and starts to choke her. They start to fall to the ground. Camera cuts to DJ Dynasty Handbag and T’Shane on the couch]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: STOP IT!!!! STOP IT!!!!!!! OOOOO Weeeee! Do not make me walk over there and tell you two all about yourself in front of er’vybody in the view er’ea. Get over here.

[The music stops to play. T’Shane has a worried expression on his face]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Stop it! Sit down on the…

[Lady Gaga and Madonna continue to fight while they walk towards the couch]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Sit on the….

[Lady Gaga and Madonna flop on the couch.]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: You know what?

[DJ Dynasty Handbag stands up and sits between Lady Gaga and Madonna]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: I’m going to sit my little pooper between you two so you can behave.

[Lady Gaga goes behind DJ Dynasty Handbag’s back and continues to fight with Madonna]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: I want you to behave!

[Lady Gaga sits up. Madonna sneaks behind DJ Dynasty Handbag’s back and slaps Lady Gaga behind the head.]

Madonna: What did you say?

DJ Dynasty Handbag: STOP IT!!!!!

Lady Gaga: Well We’ll try. Hey! Guess what Madonna. I’m totally hotter than you.

Madonna: Hey guess what.

[Madonna stands up and slaps Lady Gaga behind the head]

Madonna: I’m taller than you. What kind of name is Lady Gaga anyway? It sounds like baby food.

[Madonna sits back down on the couch.]

Lady Gaga: The kind that’s number one on the billboard charts.

[Lady Gaga lunges herself towards Madonna over DJ Dynasty Handbag and continue to fight.]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: HEY!!! I said behave Biatches!!!

[DJ Dynasty Handbag stops the fight between Lady Gaga and Madonna]

Madonna: (to DJ Dynasty Handbag:) Biatch! You need to stop interrupting us.

Lady Gaga: Yeah! We’re Pop Icons. RESPECT!

Madonna: Respect!

[Lady Gaga and Madonna give each other a high five]

[Camera cuts to T’Shane with a very scared expression on his face.]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Ah Well. T’Shane doesn’t have as much professionality as me when it comes to his on Air Stress.

[Lady Gaga goes behind DJ Dynasty Handbag’s back and continues to fight with Madonna]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Hey STOP. I want you two to kiss and make up.

[Lady Gaga and Madonna stop fighting.]

Madonna: Hey!

Lady Gaga: Excellent.

Madonna: You made my ring come off.

Lady Gaga: Sorry:

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Kiss each other.

[Lady Gaga and Madonna lean in just in front of DJ Dynasty Handbag’s face to kiss. When Lady Gaga and Madonna are about 2 inches away from each other DJ Dynasty Handbag moves in between them and kiss DJ Dynasty Handbag on the cheek.]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: OH OH my goodness.

[Lady Gaga and Madonna start to caress and kiss DJ Dynasty Handbag.]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: I am feeling weird things.

[Lady Gaga reaches over and pulls T’Shane to join in.]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: I am feeling weird things. Well that all for Deep House Dish. Cya all.

[Camera slowly zooms out and you seen T’Shane on top of Lady Gaga, Madonna and DJ Dynasty Handbag]

[Logo of Deep House Dish appears]

[Fade to Black]

Submitted by: Jubei “Guy” Kibagami

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 2

09b: Ryan Reynolds / Lady Gaga

Fashion

…..Lady Gaga
…..Adny Samberg
…..Kristen Wiig
…..Lorne Michaels

INT. STUDIO 8H – BACKSTAGE

LADY GAGA, wearing an extravagant outfit of clear balloons, reads a copyof “Rolling Stone” with her on the cover, leaning against a desk. A STUDIOPAGE is seated right behind her.

Lady Gaga: Cute.

ANDY SAMBERG, strolls in, wearing a similar outfit made of balloons. Heapproaches the page.

Andy Samberg: Hey Fred, did that fruit come in?

Page: Yeah, I’ll go get it.

The page departs. Andy exhales as he saunters over to Gaga. He scans her outfit.

Andy Samberg: Oh no.

Both view their outfits.

Lady Gaga: No way.

Andy Samberg: This is weird.

Lady Gaga: I can’t believe it! I spent $20,000 on this dress.

Andy Samberg: Yeah! And I made this out of garbage.

Both nervously laugh

Both: FASHION!

Andy Samberg: Well, I guess I’ll go change.

Lady Gaga: No, wait. Andy, I think it looks really great good on you.

Andy Samberg: Really?

Lady Gaga: Really.

Andy Samberg: I guess great minds do think alike.

Both turn and face the ground. ROMANTIC MUSIC cues in. A lighted backdropof red stars forms behind both of them.

Lady Gaga: Kiss me, Andy.

Both plunge towards one another to lock lips. The outer mass of theballoons prevents them from kissing. Both struggle to meet at the lips.Both pull back.

Andy Samberg: We can’t do this.

Lady Gaga: Why? Are you married?

Andy Samberg: No. I mean I can’t do this. I physically can’t reach you.

Lady Gaga: Prove it.

Both launch onto each other, still unable able to kiss. They struggle fora moment or two, and then pull back.

Andy Samberg: Damn it, Gaga! Just marry me.

Lady Gaga: Fine. Under one condition…

Andy Samberg: Anything.

Lady Gaga: I want a divorce.

Andy Samberg: You cagey son-of-a-bitch!

Gaga gasps and slaps Andy. Both try to make out, but fail.

The CAMERA PANS over to KRISTEN WIIG and LORNE MICHAELS watching the events unfold.

Kristen Wiig: I guess I got to find something else to wear to the party.

Lorne Michaels: Yeah… me too.

Kristen and Lorne glance onto Lorne’s necktie. It’s covered in miniatureclear balloons.

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 2

09b: Ryan Reynolds / Lady Gaga

Celebrity Family Feud

Richard Dawson…..Jason Sudeikis
Donny Osmond…..Ryan Reynolds
Marie Osmond…..Abby Elliott
Wayne Osmond…..Bobby Moynihan
Alan Osmond…..Fred Armisen
John Phillips…..Bill Hader
MacKenzie Phillps……Kristen Wiig
Genevieve Phillips…..Nasim Pedrad
Jeff Sessler…..Andy Samberg

[ open on dancing GSN logo ]

Announcer: You’re watching the Game Show Nwtwork. Probably because you’re home sick. And now, one from the archives — from 1981, it’s “Celebrity Family Feud”.

[ dissolve to game show set, each family posed behind their podiums ]

Announcer: It’s time for… “Celebrity Family Feud”! Introducing the Osmond Family: Donnie Osmond! Marie Osmond! Wayne Osmond! And the other one!

And today, they’ll be playing against… The Phillips Family! John Phillips! MacKenzie Phillips! John’s wife, Genevieve! And MacKenzie’s husband, Jeff!

And here’s your host… Richard Dawson!

[ Richard Dawson swaggers from a corner of the set like he just stepped out of the limo, and blows kisses to both families ]

Richard Dawson: [ semi-slurring ] Hello, welcome to “Celebrity Family eud”. Don’t adjust your TV sets — you’re seeing stars!

[ the two celebrity familes laugh politely ]

Richard Dawson: First up to the podium: Donny and John. Let’s play the Feud, guys! [ Donny and John rush to the podium and shake hands ] Welcome, gentlemen! Welcome to the show! Donny, you’ve been a star for so long, since you were a little tyke. How do you stay so grounded?

Donny Osmond: Aw, geez — I guess, just spending time with my family.

Richard Dawson: Mmm-hmm. That’s real nice. John Phillips, same question.

John Phillips: Same answer: time with family. [ he turns to glance at MacKenzie ]

Richard Dawson: That’s delightful! That’s delightful! Let’s play the Feud! 100 people surveyed, top five answers on the board. The question: Things you keep for a long time? [ John buzzes in ] John!

John Phillips: Secrets!

Richard Dawson: Alright! Show me… Secrets!

[ “X” ]

Richard Dawson: Sorry about that, Johnny. Donny, what do you say? Something you keep… for a long time.

Donny Osmond: Something my goofball little sister will never see… [ he turns to stare at Marie ] A wedding dress!

[ they laugh at each other ]

Richard Dawson: All right. A wedding dress!

[ Ding! Number One answer! ]

Richard Dawson: There you go! Nice one! Let’s go meet the Osmonds! [ he approaches the Osmonds’ podium ] All right! Marie, Marie… what’s new, my lovely? [ he kisses her ] How are ya’? How ya’ doing? You seem to be riding high.

Marie Osmond: We are, Richard! But you folks out there should know we’re riding high… on life!

Richard Dawson: [ clearly not interested ] Hmm… That’s fine.

John Phillips: [ interrupting ] Hey, Richard. I want to point out that we’re also high on life. Except, also, downers. And, also, wine! And, also, not life! [ he laughs, as MacKenzie gives a nervous smile ]

Richard Dawson: Quality jump-in from John Phillips. [ he glances at his card ] Marie… Things you keep for a long time.

Marie Osmond: Hmmm… growing up with this big baby… [ she acknowledges Donny ] I KNOW! BABY SHOES!!

[ The Osmonds applaud her answer ]

Richard Dawson: Show me Baby Shoes!

[ “X” ]

Richard Dawson: Awww! Sorry about that, Marie, sorry about that. Alright! Wayne Osmond! You’re up!

Wayne Osmond: POT HOLDERS!!

[ The Osmonds applaud his answer, as Dawson looks at Wayne like he’s an inbred idiot ]

Richard Dawson: It’s a BAD answer, kiddo! Bad answer! Show me Pot Holders!

[ “X X” ]

Richard Dawson: Not a surprise. Alright. [ he turns to Alan Osmond ] You!

[ Alan smiles stupidly, as “X X X” flashes without bothering to give him a chance ]

Richard Dawson: Okay! It’s all good! We’ll go over to the Phillips’ side! [ he steps over ] Hey there, MacKenzie, my dear. How ya’ doing? [ he leans over to kiss her ]

John Phillips: [ defensively ] He-e-e-eyy, careful now!

Richard Dawson: [ chuckling ] Uh-oh, watch out! A protective father!

John Phillips: [ nervously ] Yeahhh, something like that.

Richard Dawson: MacKenzie… A thing you keep for a long time.

MacKenzie Phillips: Diaries!

[ the other Phillips clap and yell “Good answer!” ]

John Phillips: Bad answer!

Richard Dawson: Alright. Okay. Show me… Diaries!

[ “X” ]

Richard Dawson: Oh! That’s heartbreaking. That’s too bad. [ prematurely ending the round ] Now, let’s take a moment to meet the Phillips Family. John, I don’t have to ask you what your favorite day is — probably “Monday, Monday”, right?

John Phillips: [ laughs nervously ] That’s very good.

Richard Dawson: Alright. Thank you. And, MacKenzie, I guess you just like to take it “One Day at a Time”.

MacKenzie Phillips: [ chuckles nervously ] All the days kind of blend together, Richard.

Richard Dawson: [ laughs uproariously ] Like a FOG!! [ no reaction ] Alright… Marie, MacKenzie! Let’s get up here and play the Feud, shall we? [ Marie and MacKenzie rush to the podium and shake hands ] Alright! 100 people surveyed, five most popular answers on the board. Here’s the question: Things you do with your father.

[ cut to nervous reaction from John Phillips ]

[ meanwhile, both Marie and MacKenzie are hesitant to give an answer ]

Richard Dawson: Come on, ladies. Something you do with your dad. First thing that comes to your mind.

Marie Osmond: [ buzzes in ] Beg him to put your bozo brother up for adoption!!

Donny Osmond: Hey! You’re the bozo, so cram it, clown.

Richard Dawson: Wow… that’s your answer? [ he shakes his head ] No way in Hell it’s up there. Let’s try it. Show me “X”!

[ “X” ]

Richard Dawson: Yeah, there ya’ go! Big shock! Okay, great, that’s not there. Let’s see what we’ve got… Let’s go to the Phillips Family! Here we go! Moving over, moving over… Alright. Okay, Phillips’, here we go. Things you do with your father. Let’s start with… MacKenzie.

MacKenzie Phillips: [ hesitant ] Can I get back to you in thirty years?

Richard Dawson: Mmm. No dear, we need an answer now.

MacKenzie Phillips: In that case, I’m gonna say… Sports!

[ the family chants “Good answer!” ]

Richard Dawson: Alright. Show me… Sports!!

[ Ding! Number One answer! ]

Richard Dawson: Number One answer! Number One answer.

Jeff Sessler: Yeah! MacKenzie and her dad are always going off to play sports, and I’m like, “Can I come?” And they’re like, “No! We like to do sports, just the two of us, and also at a hotel!” [ he smiles stupidly ]

[ Richard Dawson stares blankly at John ]

[ the Osmonds stare across the set in horror ]

[ the realization finally hits Richard Dawson ]

Richard Dawson: Ohhhhh! Oh, I got it. Okay, this episode’s over! [ to the camera ] Join us next week on the Feud!

[ both families crowd the center of the stage and dance to the closing music ]

Announcer: [ with graphic ] Stay tuned for “Celebrity Press Your Luck”, with guest Roman Polanski.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 2

09b: Ryan Reynolds / Lady Gaga

Porcelain Fountains

Mike…..Fred Armisen
Lexie…..Scarlett Johanson
Nick…..Ryan Reynolds
Man 1…..Jason Sudeikis
Woman 1…..Nasim Pedrad
Man 2…..Kenan Thompson

[Scene opens to 6 Porcelain Fountains running water. Classical music is playing]

[Mike walks to center stage]

Mike: (with a New Jersey accent) PORCELAIN FOUNTAINS. Nothing says “I’m a Millionaire” like PORCELAIN FOUNTAINS.

[Mike puts a lot of emphasise when saying “Porcelain Fountains”. He also points to the porcelain fountains in the background.]

Mike: You put a porcelain fountain in ya house people are gonna say “What is this, a mansion?” I’m telling ya! Ya gotta get’chaself some PORCELAIN FOUNTAINS.

[Scene cuts to a house with a bare lawn.]

Mike (V/O): Put’em on your front lawn.

[7 different type of porcelain fountains appear on the front lawn.]

Mike (V/O): I wonder where dat guy keeps his jumbo jet.

[Scene cuts back to Mike on stage]

Mike: You like sitting in the living room?

[Scene cuts to Man 1 and Women 1 sitting on a couch in a living room watching tv.]

Mike (V/O): How about sitting in a living room with….. PORCELAIN FOUNTAINS.

[2 different types of porcelain fountains appear in the living room. The couple are excited with the fountains they nod in agreement]

[Scene cuts back to Mike on stage.]

Mike: You might as well start listening to Opera in there.

[Scene cuts to Man 2 fluffing his pillow in his bed.]

Mike (V/O): Are you getting ready for bed?

[A porcelain fountain appears beside the bed. Man 2 is surprised that a fountain appeared from nowhere. He nods in agreement]

Mike (V/O): Try sleeping with a PORCELAIN FOUNTAIN in your bed room.

[Scene cuts back to Mike on stage]

Mike: Guess who will be dreaming about caviar! You gotta get’chaself some PORCELAIN FOUNTAINS. You want more proof? Just listen to my beautiful daughter Lexie.

[Mike walks off stage never taking his eyes off the camera. Lexie walks towards center stage wearing an 80’s type fluffy shoulder dress.]

[Lexie also has a New Jersey accent.]

Lexie: What are ya kidding me? How can you not have porcelain fountains all over your house?

[4 picture of porcelain fountains appear on the screen around Lexie.]

Lexie: Look at this one. Look at dat one. People are going to see these things and go “That guy gots more money than a Sheik from Saudi Arabia”.

[The 4 pictures keep changing into different types of porcelain fountains.]

Lexie: You can even stroke your hands in the water like your some kind of Millionaire. You’ll think “Wow this is high end living”. That’s what your gonna think when you pick this one or dat one. This one or dat one.

[Lexi strikes a sexy pose and stairs at the camera. The pictures disappear off screen. Mike comes back to the center of the stage with an occurred smile and pushed Lexie to get off stage. Lexie leaves the stage]

Mike: Now i got my son in law Nick doing all the installations. You don’t have to lift a finger.

[Nick walks towards the center stage beside Mike. Nick is very uncomfortable talking in front of the camera. Nick also has a New Jersey accent]

Nick: If you order one of these things you got nothing to worry about. I come to you.(Nick point towards the camera). I load up the van with the pipes and the fountains and I come to you. (Nick point towards the camera). If you experience any problems with piping or spillage just call and I come to you. (Nick point towards the camera). Don’t like where we installed your fountain just call and I come to you. (Nick point towards the camera). I come to you (Nick point towards the camera).

[Nick takes a big deep breath in fear while he looks at Mike]

Mike: Ya gotta get’chaself some PORCELAIN FOUNTAINS at Mike’s Fountainry on Central Avenue.

[Scene cuts to the exterior of a large store with “”Mike’s Fountainry” sign]

Voice Over signers: What’s the news. 2941 Central Avenue in Embrume.

Mike, Lexie, Nick: You gotta get’chaself some PORCELAIN FOUNTAINS.

Nick: I come to… (Nick point towards the camera Mike forces Nick to lower his hand.)

[Mike, Lexie, Nick strikes a pose and screen fades to black.]

Submitted by: Jubei “Guy” Kibagami

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 21

08u: Justin Timberlake / Ciara

Justin Timberlake’s Monologue

…..Justin Timberlake
…..Jason Sudeikis
…..Bill Hader
…..Kristen Wiig
…..Casey Wilson
…..Fred Armisen
…..Lorne Michaels

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Justin Timberlake!

Justin Timberlake: Thank you, thank you. It is great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. I can’t believe..I can’t believe I’m hosting for the third time because… The first time that I hosted, the whole thing was a blur —

Girl in Audience: I love you!

Justin Timberlake: I love you too. [ he continues ] I was terrified, it was quite awry, could not believe that it occurred. But now I’m back in Old 8H on familiar ground. Gonna make myself comfortable [sits in guys lap. This is awkward. (to guy: Say hi to America. Guy: Hello, America) ’cause I think I know my way around. I love this place!

Jason Sudeikis: Hey, Justin!Justin Timberlake: Hey, Jason. How are your parents, Dan and Cathy?

Jason Sudeikis: Oh, they’re good.

Justin Timberlake: Wasn’t it their anniversary yesterday?

Jason Sudeikis: Oh, yeah, yeah, I forgot. But, they loved your flowers and note.

Justin Timberlake: Great! Well, it’s the least I could do. Good people!

Jason Sudeikis: Yeah, they are.

Justin Timberlake: I know my lines, I hit my marks, I got my blocking down. Tonight I will get the drill, I think I know my way around. Anything I can help with?

Bill Hader: I’m trying to explain to him [Chinese food delivery guy] that I can’t have anything with peanut sauce.

Justin Timberlake: Oh, let me help. (Justin says something to the delivery guy in Chinese. The guy responds in Chinese…they go back and forth for 5 seconds or so and they laugh at Justin’s joke). [To Bill] He says there’s no peanut sauce and then I made a dirty joke.

Bill Hader: Oh, thanks Justin.

Justin Timberlake: Yeah. [ to the camera ] Yes, I’m back at SNL in my favorite town. When I can lend a hand [scribbles “I think I know my way around” on cue card].. I think I know my way around.

Guy: You’re the man, Justin.Justin Timberlake: Hey man. I think I’m getting the hang of it thanks to this great cast. They’re sweet, they’re kind, they’re generous, and their talent kicks ass.

Kristen Wiig: I was supposed to look real sexy, but this dress does not feel right.

Justin Timberlake: May I make a small adjustment? [rips off some of Kristen’s dress] Now you’re ready for tonight.

Kristen Wiig: I lied. I lied about the looking sexy thing. I just wanted him to do that.

Fred Armisen: Yeah, no need to explain.

Casey Wilson: Yeah, got it.

Justin Timberlake: Since my last time, I traveled the world; I’ve grown leaps and bounds. But now I’m back where I belong, I think I know my way around.

[sits down with Lorne Michaels drinking wine and watching TV]

Justin Timberlake: It’s uh..It’s Justin.

Lorne Michaels: [nods] Justin.

Justin Timberlake: Third time here hosting, third time is a charm. Number three, you’d agree, put my all into it you can see. ‘Cause I practiced the fact is, this season’s fantastic, I’ve watched every host whether home or the road. From Affleck to Phelps, Franco to Rogen, Malkovich, Laurie, our friend Tracy Morgan. Rudd, Bradley Cooper and Neil Patrick Harris, McGraw, Zac Efron, the cute Anna Faris. Brolin, Hamm, Rosario Dawson, Baldwin, Martin, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson! Anne Hathaway, Tina Fey, but now I’m here and I gotta say…….We’ve got a great show tonight. Ciara is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

Submitted by: Jordan Anderson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 21

08u: Justin Timberlake / Ciara

Ciara with Justin Timberlake performs “Love Sex Money”

…..Jessica Biel
…..Ciara
…..Justin Timberlake

Jessica Biel: Ladies and gentlemen — Ciara, with Justin Timberlake.

Ciara: [ singing ]
“Your touch is so magic to me
The strangest things can happen
The way that you react to me
I wanna do something you can’t imagine
Imagine if there was a million me’s talking sexy to you like that
You think you can handle, boy
If I give you my squeeze and I need you to push it right back.

Baby, show me, show me
What’s your favorite trick that you wanna use on me
And I’ll volunteer
And I’ll be flowing and going
Till clothing disappears, ain’t nothing but shoes on me
Oh, baby.

Ciara & Justin Timberlake: [ singing ]
“All night, show it, just you and the crowd
Doing tricks you never seen
And I bet that I can make you believe
In love and sex and magic
So let me drive my body around you
I bet you know what I mean
Cause you know that I can make you believe
In love and sex and magic.”

Justin Timberlake: [ singing ]
“Everything ain’t what it seems
I wave my hands and I got you
And you feel so fly assisting me
But now it’s my turn to watch you
I ain’t gonna stop you if you wanna crowd my neck
Talk sexy to me like that
Just do what I taught you, girl
When I give you my heat and I need you to push it right back.”

Ciara: [ singing ]
“Baby, show me, show me
What’s your favorite trick that you wanna use on me
And I’ll volunteer
And I’ll be flowing and going
Till clothing disappears, ain’t nothing but shoes on me
Oh, baby.”

Ciara with Justin Timberlake: [ singing ]
“All night, show it, just you and the crowd
Doing tricks you never seen
And I bet that I can make you believe
In love and sex and magic
So let me drive my body around you
I bet you know what I mean
Cause you know that I can make you believe
In love and sex and magic.

Oh, this is the part where we fall in love
Oh, let’s slow it down so we fall in love
But don’t stop what you’re doing to me.

All night, show it, just you and the crowd
Doing tricks you never seen
And I bet that I can make you believe
In love and sex and magic
So let me drive my body around you
I bet you know what I mean
Cause you know that I can make you believe
In love and sex and magic.”

Submitted by: Jordan Anderson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 21

08u: Justin Timberlake / Ciara

An SNL Digital Short

…..Andy Samberg
…..Justin Timberlake
…..Patricia Clarkson
…..Susan Sarandon

[ SUPER: “5 MONTHS LATER” ]

[ the “Dick in a Box” singers exit the Brooklyn Detention Center carrying their boxes, which they toss into a trash can ]

[ they begin to sing ]

Andy: Oh, dang.

Justin: What is it, dawg?

Andy: I forgot it’s Mother’s Day

Justin: Didn’t get a gift for her

Andy:
Other plans got in the way
She’ll be so disappointed

Justin: Damn, I forgot it too

Andy: This could have been avoided

Both: What the hell are we gonna do?

Justin:
My mom’s been so forlorn
Ever since my daddy left

Andy: Cold

Justin:
No one to hold her tight
Life has put her to the test

Andy:
I know just what you mean
My mom’s been so sad and gray

Justin: Word

Andy: My dad can’t satisfy her in the bedroom ever since he passed away

Both: Hold up

Andy: You thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?

Justin: I’m thinkin’ I’m thinkin’ too

Both: Slow up

Andy: What time is it, dawg?

Justin: It’s time for a switcheroo

Both:
We both love our moms, women with grown-women needs
I say we break ‘em off
Show ‘em how much they really mean
‘Cause I’m a motherlover
You’re a motherlover
We should f— each other’s mothers

Justin:
F— each other’s moms
You’ve seen that place that you came out as a baby
Ain’t no doubt that sh– is crazy
F— each other’s moms

Both:
‘Cause every Mother’s Day needs a mother’s night
If doing it is wrong, I don’t wanna be right
I’m callin’ on you, ’cause I can’t do it myself
To me you’re like a brother, so be my motherlover

Andy:
I’m layin’ in the cut, waitin’ for your mom
Clutchin’ on this lube and roses

Justin:
I got my digital camera
I’m gonna make your mama do a million poses

Andy: They will be so surprised

Justin: We are so cool and thoughtful

Andy: Can’t wait to pork your mom

Justin: I’m gonna be the syrup, she can be my waffle

Both: Sho ’nuff

Justin: My mother loves bubble bath with chamomile

Both: Straight up

Andy: Give it to my mom d-d-d-d-d-d-d—y-style

Both:
This the perfect plan
For a perfect Mother’s Day
They’ll have to rename this one
All Up Under the Covers Day
‘Cause I’m a motherlover
You’re a motherlover
We should f— each other’s mothers
Justin: F— each other’s moms
I’ll push in that place
Where you came out as a baby
Ain’t no doubt that sh– is crazy
F— each other’s moms

Andy:
Break it down
It would be my honor to be your new stepfather

Justin: It would be my honor to be your new stepfather

Andy:
I’ll let you do my mother
Make me another brother
And I’m gonna do your mother
I’ll never use a rubber

Justin:
Oh!
‘Cause every Mother’s Day needs a mother’s night
If doing it is wrong, I don’t wanna be right
I’m callin’ on you, ’cause I can’t do it myself
To me you’re like a brother, so be my motherlover
They blessed us both with the gift of life
She brought you in this world, so I’mma sex her right
This is the second-best idea that we’ve ever had
The choice can be no other
Be my motherlover.

Submitted by: Jordan Anderson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 21




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08u: Justin Timberlake / Ciara

Target Greatland

Target Lady…..Kristen Wiig
Customer #1…..Bobby Moynihan
Peg…..Justin Timberlake
Customer #2…..Abby Elliott
Customer #3…..Kenan Thompson

[Exterior of Target. Dissolve to store Interior. The Target Lady rings up a customer.]

Target Lady: Welcome to Target! Lets see…(Passing the items over the scanner) Yard gloves…tomato seeds…fertilizer…[Excitedly] Hey, Pat Sajack, I’ll solve the puzzle! Gardening! [The Customer stares at her perplexedly.] It’s gonna be $42.11.

Customer #1: Here you go. [Hands her a bill.]

Target Lady: [Excited] A Fifty!!! [Marks it with a highlighter to test it] And it’s legit!!! I get to put this under the tray! [She does]

Customer #1: I’m sorry; I’m in a hurry…

Target Lady: Hey, uh…you know what fertilizer is, right?

Customer #1: Excuse me?

Target Lady: It’s part dirt and part feces. It’s my job to let you know what you’re buying, I just thought I should let you know, you’re buying a big bag of feces.

Customer #1: …Thanks?

Target Lady: Someone left a bag of feces on my doorstep once. It was Halloween and they rang the bell but when I got there they were gone but they left their feces bag! They must have forgotten it! I put it in my garden but it didn’t help any of my plants, I think because it came from a person. [Customer looks disgusted] I’m sure this will work because this manure came from a chicken!!!

[There is a cartoon sound effect of a bullet whizzing by. When the camera cuts back to a two shot the Customer is gone.]

Target Lady: Wow! I haven’t seen anything move this fast since I went to an illegal mouse race! That was a weird, weird night.

Peg: [offscreen] Did somebody say weird?

Target Lady: Peg!

[Peg, an elderly woman in a pink bathrobe and a neckbrace enters clutching her purse and a can of coconut juice.]

Peg: Hey, girlfriend!

Target Lady: Hey!

Peg: So, I strained my neck…

Target Lady: How’d you do that, Girlfriend?

Peg: I was pushin’ a wash machine up a hill when my fashion sandal got caught on a decorative yard prick, is that just not classic Peg?

[She chortles to herself silently, shoulders shaking from mirth. She will do this every time she says the words “Classic Peg”]

Target Lady: Classic Peg!

Peg: So then I tripped and tried to brace myself on the washer lid but I ended up breaking it off and fallin inside! I rolled all the way down the hill inside of it. I mean I was holdin’ on to the cup that holds the softener and my legs were clinched around the agitator pole, can you believe it? Is that not just classic Peg?

Target Lady: So Classic!

Peg: So the next thing I know, I’m peerin’ my head out of the machine, it’s eight in the morning and I’m behind the Dunky Donuts by the private airport. Claaaaaasic Peg!

Target Lady: So, what brings you to Target, miss Thaing?

Peg: Two words: Potato sticks and Carl Earl. I got a date tonight.

Target Lady: Yowsa!

Peg: Well, you know how I roll [She attempts to roll her head sideways hip-hop style.] I just – ow. [She touches her neck brace gingerly.] I’ll be right back.

[Peg exits. A second customer enters with a basket.]

Customer #2: Hi, can I pay for these?

[Peg returns]

Peg: I forgot my coconut water, just classic Peg! [She looks uncomfortably at the customer and leaves again.]

Target Lady: Look how long your hair is! I bet if you put it up in a bun it’d look like you were wearing a hair-covered Kaiser roll! [Takes the Customer’s basket] Let’s see..[Rings up items] Sunscreen…nose plugs…I wear nose plugs around the house when my neighbor cooks broccoli! [Picks up a package of children’s arm floaties] What’s this? Arm floaties?

Customer #2: Yeah, you blow them up with air, they’re for my son to help him swim. [The Target Lady suddenly leaves in the middle of her sentence.] Hey, where are you going?

[A Third customer enters]

Customer #3: Excuse me, is this register open?

Customer #2: Yeah, I guess, but the lady just took off.

Customer #3: Is it a white lady with a haircut that looks like she’s got bangs that go all the way around her head and never stop?

Customer #2: Yeah.

Customer #3: Does she sound like her voice box is covered in egg?

Customer #2: That’s her.

Customer #3: Yep, I thought so. I’m waiting in the other line.

[The Target Lady returns with a pack of arm floaties]

Target Lady: I found ‘em! I’m gonna blow these up and put em on my antique bean cans and fill ‘em with pencils so I can write thank-you notes in the tub!

[The two customers stare at her for a moment, flummoxed, and then silently leave to use another register. Peg returns.]

Target Lady: Peg! You’re back!

Peg: You are never gonna believe what just happened to me, girl. I was checkin my mascara in one of the fish tanks when all of a sudden I felt this tiny pinch on the edge of my panty band. I looked around, pushed my slacks down to my ankles and saw somethin’ crawlin’ on me. It was a Black Widow Spider!

Target Lady: Those are poisonous!

Peg: I know! So I flicked it on the ground and get this, it was a half-flattened licorice jelly bean. So there I was, laughin’ with my comfort slacks around my ankles at the fish tanks at Target! Classic Peg! Then guess who runs into me? My Preacher from church! And guess what he said?

Target Lady: [Excitedly] That Heaven has a Target?!

Peg: [Confused]: No…he didn’t say that. [Laughs silently, sholders shaking.] Classic Peg!

Target Lady: Classic Peg to the Max!

Peg: [Holding up a pair of pink satin handcuffs] And look what else I found for my date tonight. Bam-chicka-wow-wow! [Dances a bit with the handcuffs]

Target Lady: Satin handcuffs, where are those?!!

Peg: They’re with the bachelorette party stuff [Target Lady suddenly leaves again] I think it was aisle twelve…[Her phone rings, a catchy polyphonic melody. Peg dances a bit and bobs her head to the song before taking out her rhinestoned phone and slowly answering it.] This Peg. Yes, I did call for a full body waxing except for the neck. Yes, it usually takes about three hours with two breaks. Yes, I can hop on my scooter and be there in twenty. Oops, I gotta go, my friend’s comin’ back!

[Target Lady returns with a pair of satin handcuffs]

Target Lady: Wham, bam, thank you Peg! I’m gonna put these around the trunks of my indoor palm trees to make sure they grow parallel to one another!

Peg: Well, listen I gotta go, I gotta get to my waxin’. My Barbara Bush is getting bigger by the minute. [Target Lady appears to be grossed out.] I call it that because well, it’s white, and a bunch of people took pictures of it in the nineties.

Target Lady: TMI, miss girl.

Peg: I was thinking about makin’ cabbage tacos for us tonight. Maybe I should pick up some air freshener.

Target Lady: How ‘bout instead you get a scented candle?!! We have Vanilla, Lavender breeze, Peppermint, I think there’s stress reliever in that, Lilac…

[She continues talking and Peg begins dancing as the camera pulls back and the sketch fades out.]

Submitted by: Ted Zoldan

SNL Transcripts

]]>

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 21


]]>

08u: Justin Timberlake / Ciara

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
Gov. David Patterson…..Fred Armisen
Gov. Eliot Spitzer…..Bill Hader
…..Chris Pine
….Zachary Quinto
Audience Trekkies…..Kenan Thompson & Bobby Moynihan
…..Leonard Nimoy

Announcer: Weekend Update with Seth Myers!

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories…..

[image: Air Force One above Liberty Island] Louis Caldero, the White House aide who authorized the controversial photograph of Air Force One over Manhattan, resigned on Friday. May I suggest that they replace him with Photoshop…You don’t have to fly Air Force One over Manhattan to get a picture of Air Force One over Manhattan – here’s a photo of Air Force On e over the pyramids – here it is in a crowded elevator – here it is on the red carpet with the space shuttle [the background changes accordingly each time] – and of course here it is in the popular children’s book, “Where’s Air Force One?” [the background takes on a “Where’s Waldo?” appearance]

Pope Benedict, on Friday, began his first trip to the Middle East in hopes that the Catholic Church can play a role in the region’s peace process – and because it’s the Middle East, he traveled inside the official Popemobile Inside Another Popemobile.

[image: Ramirez at bat] ESPN has reported that the drug that resulted in Manny Ramirez’s suspension from basbeall was a fertility drug. How did a fertility drug make him a better baseball player? That’s not his bat.

In an interview with Oprah Winfrey, John Edwards’s wife Elizabeth said she has no idea if the former presidential candidate is the father of his mistress’s baby – though judging from this photo [an infant sporting Edwards’s trademark haircut], I’d say there’s a resemblence.

On Wednesday, Maine became the fifth state to legalize gay marraige after Gov. Balducci signed a same-sex marriage bill into law. It’s the best news for gays in Maine since LL Bean introduced a line of assless duckwaders.

Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal were married this past weekend – before the wedding, the couple was registered at Craate & Baareyhl.

Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal were married this past weekend – the wedding video is already nominated for an Independent Spirit Award…oh there’s more –

Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal were married this past weekend – here’s their official celebrity couple nickname – “AAARAAA”.

New York Governor David Patter…Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal were married this past weekend – they wrote their own vowels.

Seth Meyers: New York Governor David Patterson has come under increased criticism, with a recent poll showing the 51% of New Yorkers would actually prefer to see disgraced former Governor Eliot Spitzer running things in Albany. Here now to comment – Governor David Patterson and former Governor Eliot Spitzer!

[Patterson, who is legally blind, badly overshoots the desk while wheeling in]

David Patterson: Marco!

Eliot Spitzer: Polo!

David Patterson: We’re just kidding, Seth.

Seth Meyers: Well, thank you both for coming. Now you both must’ve been, uh, surprised by the poll results…

David Patterson: Indeed – I haven’t scored that low since my driving exam…you know, Seth, it’s a little tough when people think you have worse judgement than a guy who didn’t wanna use a condom with a prostitute!

Eliot Spitzer: Hey, come on – it was fun! Good time!

David Patterson: By the way, not wearing a condom with a prostitute – that’s like driving in a convertible through New Jersey!….Because, the place is so polluted.

Seth Meyers: Well, uh, let’s cut out the Jersey stuff…

Eliot Spitzer: Believe me, if we could cut out Jersey, we would! You know, they won’t let you pump your own gas there? But it’s because most people in Jersey lack that skill set. In New Jersey, pumping gas is like performing brain surgery!

Seth Meyers: OK, OK – can we please get back to the poll?

David Patterson: That’s what he said! To a prostitute!

Eliot Spitzer: Nice one! Seriously, that poll must’ve been a pretty crazy phone call to get – “Hello”

David Patterson: “Yes?”

Eliot Spitzer: “Uh, who would you rather have as Governor – the prostitute guy or Mr. Disaster?”

David Patterson: “That’s a tough call to make since all options are terrible. It’s like judging a beauty contest in New Jersey!”

David Patterson: Now, Governor Sitzer, um, this poll is good news for you as you’re trying to re-enter public life.

Eliot Spitzer: Oh, yeah, I’ve been rebuilding my image. Plus, let’s remember, no charges were ever pressed against me – I’m a free man. I’m like the guy in “The Shawshank Redemption” , except I never had to tunnel behind a pin-up girl. Oh, wait – I did! Seriously, though, people are turning to me in this tough economic time. I was known as the “Sheriff of Wall Street” –

David Patterson: Yes, and I was the deputy who they wouldn’t let have a gun!

Seth Meyers: Governor Patterson, your term hasn’t been all bad – I mean, you did get a good deal of supprt recently when you endorsed the legalization of gay marriage

David Patterson: Well, that’s true, Seth – I believe that marriage should be open to people of all sexual orientations…

Eliot Spitzer: I believe marriage should be OPEN! [picks up Patterson’s hand to engage in a high-five]

Seth Meyers: Republicans like Joe Scarborough have commented this week that this poll proves that it will be very easy for the Republicans to take Albany…

David Patterson: You think so, genius? I mean the only way I’m getting re-elected is if I save New York from a Cloverfield!

Eliot Spitzer: Maybe it’s one of those Sanjaya situations, where people vote for him because it’s funny!

Seth Meyers: Alright, Alright – so what do you think is in store for both of you?

David Patterson: We might go into entertainment, Seth..

Eliot Spitzer: Yeah, now we’re pitchin’ a detective show to Spike TV – It’s called “Horndog and Blurry”!

Seth Meyers: You both realize you’ve burned a lot of bridges out here…

David Patterson: Yes, Seth, we have burned a lot of bridges – now if we can only flood the tunnels, they’ll be no way to get to…New Jersey! [Spitzer againpicks up Patterson’s hand to engage in a high-five]

Seth Meyers: David Patterson and Eliot Spitzer, everybody!

Police in California arrested a man who tried to smuggle songbirds into the US by strapping more than a dozen birds to his legs, and trying to walk out of the Los Angeles airport. Police became suspicious when they noticed the man was twittering without a Blackberry.

“Harry Potter The Exhibition” opened at the Chicago Museum of Science and In..[David Patterson emerges in front of the camera] OK…”Harry Potter The Exhibition” opened at the Chicago Museum of Science and Industry last week, using over 200 props to recreate the magical world of Hogwarts. The exhibit offers fans a chance to meet magical creatures like Buckbeat the Hyppogryph, Dobie the House Elf, and Barry the 47-Year-Old who is Required to Introduce Himself Under Megan’s Law.

A pair of identical twins in China married another pair of identical twins. What are the odds of that? Actually, in China, about 3 to 1.

A Philadelphia museum has rejected a request to test its sample of Abraham Lincoln’s blood to see if the 16th President had a rare genetic disorder – which is weird, because I thought we were pretty clear on cause of death.

This week, Shenelle, who has been named the World’s Oldest Dog by Guiness World Records, turned 21 years old. Shenelle also holds the world record for Longest Time Playing Dead, so I’m just saying – maybe someone should check on Shenelle.

A man in Russia who underwent penis enlargement surgery returned to his doctors a month later, begging them to undo it, because he was too big, and no woman wanted to be with him – though it’s a little suspicious, because he just kept saying it really loud near the nurse’s station.

Seth Meyers: On Thursday, “Star Trek” opened in theaters nationwide with an ad campaign that promised, “This isn’t your father’s Star Trek”, a sentiment that upset some of the hard-core fanbase of the franchise. Here to address these fans – the stars of the film, Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto. [loud cheers as Pine and Quinto enter]

Chris Pine: Thank you Seth! Zachary and I wanted to come out tonight and address the longtime fans of Star Trek –

Zachary Quinto: We understand that you’re concerned about the way we are handling your beloved franchise…[two Trekkies – one in a Starfleet uniform, the other a McCoy/Uhura t-shirt and false Vulcan ears – are shown in the audience, and the look on their faces suggest they’re skeptical to say the least]…but don’t worry, we’ve gone to great lengths to fit in with the established canon.

Chris Pine: Absolutely – all the Star Trek, uh, stardates correspond perfectly with the ones used in The Original Series and The Next Generation. (they don’t at all, but as a fan I have no problem with that, since the ones on the show made absolutely no sense)

Zachary Quinto: And our movie takes the time to explore the origins of the kohlinar ceremony, as it is connected to the fascinating Pon farr marriage ritual.

Chris Pine: And I swear – that the, uh, the transporters on this Enterprise utilize the, um, the hay-say (Heisenberg compensator) um – oh. God, I have no idea what I’m talking about.

Zachary Quinto: Neither do I, but – you guys, seriously, please – you’ve got to stop harrassing us!

Seth Meyers: You’re getting harrassed?!

Chris Pine: Hm-um.

Zachary Quinto: Yeah, you have no idea how insane some of these fans are, Seth [the Trekkies in the audience do not take that comment well].

Chris Pine: Yeah. Yeah, I’m getting angry calls in the middle of the night, Seth. I mean, at least I think they’re angry, I can’t really understand them – they’re either speaking Vulcan or…Hebrew.

Zachary Quinto: And they keep vandalizing my mailbox – every morning I wake up and it’s filled up with decapitated action figures and empty inhaler canisters.

Chris Pine: And they’re tying notes to rocks, and throwing them against my windows – it’s scratching the glass!

Seth Meyers: The rock don’t…break through the windows?

Chris Pine: No – they’re…clearly not throwing them hard enough.

Seth Meyers: I guess I’m just surprised that you guys would be intimidated by Trekkies…

Zachary Quinto: Yeah, well, they can be pretty intimidating, Seth [he and Pine both point in their direction] – I mean, look [the two Trekkies give death stares to the actors]

Seth Meyers: Well maybe, a little intimidating, maybe…

Chris Pine: We…we just really hope they come out and see the movie, Seth.

Leonard Nimoy: [in the background] They will come. They will come…[the audience cheers his arrival, and the Trekkies’ mood changes instantly from fury to euphoria]…

Zachary Quinto: But, Leonard, what if the fans reject Chris and me as the new Kirk and Spock?

Leonard Nimoy: Gentlemen, I’ve spent years of my life among Trekkies, uh – Trekkers, and, they have been some of the greatest years of my life – and while it may take some time, I believe that soon they will find you, Chris, to be equal to the original Captain Kirk, and you, Zach, to be slightly less than equal to the original Spock [Nimoy – Quinto smiles at the joke], but ultimately OK.

Seth Meyers: OK. Um, do you think that they’re gonna like the film?

Leonard Nimoy: Well – to not like it…

Seth Meyers: Uh – I know what you’re gonna say. To not like it – would be illogical [quite pleased with himself, having beaten Mr. Spock himself to the logic-based punchline]

Leonard Nimoy: No – I was going to say…to not like it would make them dickheads.

[coming from their hero, the Trekkies heartily accept this suggestion]

Seth Meyers: The Star Trek cast everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers – good night!

[Meyers, Pine, Quinto and Nimoy all perform the Vulcan salute]

Submitted by: Teddy Shipp

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 22


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:















Bit Players:

May 16th, 2009

Will Ferrell

Green Day

None

Tom Hanks

Norm MacDonald

Amy Poehler

Maya Rudolph

Anne Hathaway

Artie Lange

Elisabeth Moss

Paul Rudd

None

Cheney in MakeupSummary: Now that he’s out of office, former president George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) is no longer scared of Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond), and he wants some answers — now.

Recurring Characters: Dick Cheney, George W. Bush.

Transcript

Montage

Will Ferrell’s MonologueSummary: Will Ferrell performs a dramatic piece.

Transcript

Wade Blasingame: Attorney-At-LawSummary: Rough-and-tumble Wade Blasingame (Will Ferrell) is in favor of suing dogs or making them pay otherwise for not following the laws of the human world.

Note: Repeat from 00g.

The Lawrence Welk ShowSummary: Ted Netters (Will Ferrell) enjoys singing and dancing with musical sisters (Casey Wilson, Michaela Watkins, Abby Elliott), but is grossed out by their tiny-handed sister Denise (Kristen Wiig).

Recurring Characters: Lawrence Welk.

Transcript

Celebrity JeopardySummary: Not only is Alex Trebek (Will Ferrell) chagrined by the stupidity of Kathie Lee Gifford (Kristen Wiig), Sean Connery (Darrell Hammond) and the real Tom Hanks, but old foe Burt Reynolds (Norm MacDonald) crashes the quiz show festivities as well.

Recurring Characters: Alex Trebek, Kathie Lee Gifford, Sean Connery, Burt Reynolds.

Transcript

Inside the NBARecurring Characters: While covering the NBA, Charles Barkley’s (Kenan Thompson) eye is more focused upon the lower screen advertisement for new TNT comedy “Mark” (Will Ferrell).

Recurring Characters: Charles Barkley.

Transcript

Green Day performs “Know Your Enemy”First Performed: 94g.

Lyrics

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Former co-anchor Amy Poehler appears to do another segment of “Really!?!” with Seth Meyers, this time on President Obama’s honorary degree. The late Harry Caray (Will Ferrell) offers his comments on Manny Ramirez.

Recurring Characters: Harry Caray.

Transcript

Funeral RemembrancesSummary: A priest (Jason Sudeikis) is flummoxed by the interruptions made by family members during a solemn funeral service.

Recurring Characters: Gail, Glenda Goodwin.

Transcript

Green Day performs “21 Guns”Lyrics

Goodnight, SaigonSummary: While conversing over drinks with his friends, Fritz (Will Ferrell) has an unexplained Vietnam flashback and breaks into song, despite being too young to have ever served his country in that war.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts