Category: 2015

I Can’t

Cecily Strong

Dakota Johnson

Bobby Moynihan

Margo… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a three interns in an office]

Cecily: Oh, my god! I can’t wait until this internship is over.

Dakota: I know. I need it to be summer now. This has literally been the worst winter ever.

Cecily: Urgh! I can’t even.

Dakota: It’s literally not possible.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: I know. It was like 150 degrees everyday last summer. And now it’s like negative of thousand. I literally just can’t.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Don’t even.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: No, who can even? It’s literally impossible to can. I can’t

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: I know. It’s like, what the freak? I’m wearing 150 layers and I still can’t even.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: You guys, I’m literally wearing like, six coats right now. And I’m trying to can and literally can’t.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Oh, my! Is that window open? Oh, my god! That window is literally wide open right now.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Okay, that is why it is freaking Antartica in here. Okay? Freaking Margo has her window completely open.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Margo! Can you please close that window?

[Cut to Margo. Her both arms are broken and plastered.]

Margo: I can’t.

[Cut to everybody]

Dakota: I am dying right now. Like, I’m literally gonna freeze to death if you don’t shut that window.

[Cut to Margo]

Margo: You know that I literally cannot. Both of my arms are broken. You know this. It’s why you call me Broken Arms Margo and Stank Breath Margo with Two Broken Arms.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Oh, my god! Margo! You broke both your arms for attention a hundred years ago. And it’s literally your excuse for everything now.

[Cut to Margo]

Margo: It’s been six days. And I didn’t do it on purpose. I stage dived at karaoke and nobody caught me.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: God! She is so dramatic. I can’t even. I am not doing this with her today.

[Cut to Margo trying to drink juice off a straw but she can’t]

Margo: Look, I understand I’m not your favorite person, but could you just maybe nudge my lunch closer? I’ve been struggling to reach it for an hour.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: We are not walking a hundred miles over to your desk right now when you can’t even close the window that’s literally killing us.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Yeah, I mean really, Margo? Have you like, ever thought of anyone other than yourself?

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Right? God!

[Cut to Margo]

Margo: There is no god. There can’t be.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: I’m so hungry right now. I haven’t eaten like a month.

[Cut to Cecily, Dakota and Bobby]

Bobby: Uh! Don’t even!

Dakota: Margo, what is that in your shirt?

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Yeah, what is that? Did you spill something?

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Urgh! I hate it. It’s annoying. Just go like this, it’s driving me crazy. [brushing off his shoulder] Just go like ths.

[Cut to Margo. There’s a spider on her shoulder.]

Margo: Oh, my god! Kill it! Kill it mother-F-er!

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Margo! It’s probably just snow from that open window.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Margo, just do this. [brushing off her shoulder]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Do this. [brushing off her dress] Do this.

[Cut to Margo]

Margo: You know that I can’t. It is impossible. My arm bones are shattered from pits to wrists. Please, kill it. Or kill me.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Really? Margo? Is it that serious? Fine, just leave it there. But can you please shut that window? I’m so freezing.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Oh, my hands are literally in my sleeves right now. It’s that cold.

[Cut to Margo trying to close the window]

Margo: Fine! You want the window closed. I’ll try it.

[Margo falls outside through the window.]

[Bang]

I’m alive? I’m alive and I feel everything. Dear world! What have I done to anger you!

[Cut to Cecily, Dakota and Bobby]

Dakota: You know, she’s literally never gonna shut up about this.

Cecily: She’s so dramatic.

Bobby: I cannot even!

Giuliani Cold Open

Gretchen Carlson… Venessa Bayer

Rudolph Giuliani… Taran Killam

Kyle Mooney

Sasheer Zamata

Bobby Moynihan

Caroline

Rudolph Giuliani’s thought… Beck Bennett

[Starts with The Real Story intro]

[Cut to Gretchen Carlson in her news set]

Gretchen Carlson: Welcome back. I am Gretchen Carlson. [cheers and applause.] Joining us now is former mayor Rudolph Giuliani [Cut to Rudolph Giuliani nodding his head] who got in some hot water last week at a private dinner for governor Scott Walker when he said, “I know this is a horrible thing to say, but I do not believe that the President loves America.”

[Cut to Gretchen Carlson]

Since then Mr. Giuliani has been arguing his point in the Wall Street Journals and many shows just like this one. And he is certainly not backing down [Cut to Gretchen Carlson and Rudolph Giuliani] Are you, Mr. mayor?

Rudolph Giuliani: No, not at all, Gretchen. [Cut to Rudolph Giuliani] I’m sorry, but this president doesn’t have the same love of our great country. Look, I know this is a horrible thing to say but he was brought up different. He’s just not like the rest of us. I mean, is that too much?

[Cut to Gretchen Carlson]

Gretchen Carlson: Absolutely not. You warned us that what you were about to say would be horrible, so it’s fine. Let’s take a quick break and we’ll have more with mayor Rudy Giuliani.

Kyle: And we’re clear. Three minute break, guys.

[Kyle and Sasheer walk in the stage.]

Sasheer: That was really great Mr. Giuliani.

[Cut to Rudolph Giuliani. Sasheer is putting make up on Rudolph Giuliani]

We’re so glad to have you on the shoe.

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: How did we end up here? In this dump. You were America’s mayor. Remember?

[Cut to Gretchen Carlson and Rudolph Giuliani]

Rudolph Giuliani: Um, I’m gonna take a walk. Excuse me.

[Rudolph Giuliani stands and walks away]

[Cut to a written video as “GIULIANI or (The unexpected virtue of ignorance)”]

[Cut to Rudolph Giuliani at the hallway of the studio]

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: I should have done that morning radio show they offered us. “Rise With Rudy.” It would have been 100 times more dignified than this.

[Rudolph Giuliani runs into Bobby]

Bobby: Sir, where are you going?

Rudolph Giuliani: Ah, I just need to take a walk.

Bobby: Okay, well, don’t go too far. We’ve got a very busy day today. You are crushing it, man! At C-PAC you are a rock star. Here, you are talking with Ted Cruz from 1 to 3 and tonight you’re doing a video message and archery demonstration with Ted Nugent. Wang-dang!

Rudolph Giuliani: Ya, ya, ya! That sounds great.

Bobby: Okay.

[Bobby gets on his way and Rudolph Giuliani starts walking in the hallway.]

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: You once stood at stage of Madison Square Garden with The Hoo and The Stones, man! The 9/11 benefit. Everyone loved you. And now, look at you. Jump in the water for an endless frenzy of cable news.

[Rudolph Giuliani walks in the dressing room. Caroline is there.]

Rudolph Giuliani: Caroline, I thought we were gonna meet downstairs.

Caroline: Are you excited, dad?

Rudolph Giuliani: What?

Caroline: Are you excited that you’re on TV again? You think you’re relevant? You’re not. You were in consulting business. You’re not on twitter. You haven’t been elected to any office in 15 years. No one cares.

Rudolph Giuliani: Oh, yeah? Well if no one cares, why is everybody talking about what I said, huh? Whoah!

[Rudolph Giuliani gestures as pulling down the photo frame, and the frame actually drops down from the wall.]

[Rudolph Giuliani fixes his suit] Excuse me!

[Rudolph Giuliani walks out of the dressing room and is walking in the hallway again.]

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: She has no clue. You were almost president for a few months in 2007. You were front runner. You were one of the greats. You were… a hero.

[Rudolph Giuliani stands still. Rudolph Giuliani’s thought appears behind him with a black mask and black wings. Rudolph Giuliani’s thought is wearing the same suit as Rudolph Giuliani.]

We were strong, beloved and our hair rocked. Let’s go back one more time and show them what we’re capable of. Admit it, you like to see something terrible happen right now so you can save the day.

Rudolph Giuliani: I would not like that.

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: Come on, don’t be a panty-waste. A minor emergency. No one really gets hurt.

Rudolph Giuliani: No.

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: Fine! I’ll just pull the fire alarm

Rudolph Giuliani: Do not!

[Kyle walks in and Rudolph Giuliani’s thought leaves]

Kyle: Mr. Giuliani. Where were you? We got five seconds for you. Come on.

Rudolph Giuliani: Alright, let’s go.

Kyle: Five, four, three, two and one.

[Cut to The Real Story intro]

[Cut to Gretchen Carlson]

Gretchen Carlson: We’re back with mayor Rudy Giuliani. [Cut to Gretchen Carlson and Rudolph Giuliani] Mr. Mayor, some are saying you might be promoting yourself at the expense of the republican.

[The alarm goes off]

Oh dear! What is that?

Rudolph Giuliani: [stands up] Fire alarm. Rudolph Giuliani gets a mic-speaker. Everyone remain calm. We’ll get through this together if you’ll listen to me. Save your ‘thank yous’ for later.

[Cut to Rudolph Giuliani’s thought]

Rudolph Giuliani’s thought: We’re back, and live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Father Daughter Ad

Taran Killam

Dakota Johnson

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a car pulling over in front of the building]

[Cut to Father and Daughter inside the car]

Father: Well, this is it. You need any help with your bag?

Daughter: No, that’s alright. I got it.

Father: How about some walking around?

Daughter: Dad! It’s okay.

Father: Okay. Just, um, make sure to–

Daughter: Call you when I get there? I know.

Father: Ya. You know, um, you could stay home to another year of high school.

Daughter: Very funny dad! [laughs and steps out of the car.]

Father: Well, I’ll see you at Thanksgiving.

Daughter: Ya, I’ll see you. [Daughter bends over to the car’s window] Hey dad!

Father: Ya!

Daughter: Thanks.

Father: You got it, kiddo!

[horn honking]

[sigh] Looks like your ride’s here.

[Cut to a truck full of men with guns and Islamic logo on it pulls over.]

[Cut to Father]

You be careful, okay?

[Cut to Daughter]

Daughter: Dad, it’s just ISIS.

[Daughter winks at Father and walks.]

[Cut to Daughter getting on the ISIS truck.]

[Cut to Kyle on the truck looking at Father]

[Cut to Dad looking at Kyle]

Father: Take care of her.

[Cut to Kyle nodding his head.]

[Cut to the truck leaving the area. The men are firing guns at the sky and making noise.]

[Cut to Father taking long breath]

Female voice: ISIS: We’ll take it from here, Dad.

[cheers and applause]

Emergency Room

Dakota Johnson

Leslie Jones

Mr. Samson… Taran Killam

Dr. Thomas… Kenan Thompson

Pete Davidson

Venessa Bayer

[Starts with a patient grunting in an emergency room of a hospital]

Dakota: Mr. Samson, you’re gonna get through this.

Leslie: His vitals are dropping. Where is Dr. Thomas.

Dakota: It’s his day off. They had to call him in.

[Mr. Samson grunting in pain]

Just hold on. Mr. Samson, we’re gonna get you in a surgery as soon as the doctor gets here, okay?

[Cut to Dr. Thomas walking in. He is dressed as Worf from Star Trek.]

Dr. Thomas: Ah! I’m sorry I’m late. There was a lot of traffic around the convention center.

[Cut to everybody]

Dakota: Dr. Thomas, is that you?

Dr. Thomas: Oh, this? I almost forgot. I’ve been at a convention all day and didn’t have time to remove my prosthesis or my voice modulator.

Mr. Samson: What the hell are you?

Dr. Thomas: Sir, I am dressed as Worf, son of Mogh. You in good hands, sir. Nurse, charts?

[Cut to Leslie looking speechless]

Leslie: Here you go.

[Cut to everybody. Dr. Thomas is reading the files.]

[Mr. Samson grunting in pain]

Dakota: Dr. Thomas. Dr. Thomas? Dr. Thomas? [Dr. Thomas doesn’t respond.] Worf?

Dr. Thomas: Yes?

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Um, the patient’s blood pressure is dropping. He could go into cardiac arrest.

[Cut to Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: Nurse, look at me. I need you to trust me. Look into my eyes.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: [laughing] I can’t.

[Cut to Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: You keep looking away. I need you to look at me.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: [laughing] I can’t. You look so stupid.

[Cut to Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: Well, you know what? To me, humans look stupid, okay?

[Cut to everybody]

[Mr. Samson grunting in pain]

Leslie: We’re losing him doctor!

Dr. Thomas: Don’t you die on me Mr. Samson. [hitting on Mr. Samson’s chest] Fight! Fight!

[heartbeat flatline sound]

Oh! Oh! We’ve lost him.

[Cut to Dr. Thomas]

No!

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Was that a Worf thing?

[Cut to Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: I think so. I’ll be honest. I’m actually not a huge Trekky, but my wife is. I’m trying to show her that I care about her interests. Now, bring in the family. I will break them the news.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: I think somebody else should do it.

[Cut to Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: Bring them to me.

[Cut to everybody. Leslie open the door. Pete and Venessa walk in.]

[Cut to Pete and Venessa]

Pete: Worf?

[Cut to Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: Yes! I have some unfortunate news. Your grandfather is with his ancestors tonight drinking blood wine in Sto-vo-kor.

[Cut to Pete and Venessa]

Venessa: Uh, what does that mean?

[Cut to Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: He dead!

[Cut to everybody]

Venessa: Oh, no!

[Cut to Dakota and Dr. Thomas]

Dakota: Um, doctor, this is wildly inappropriate. You should not have come in today.

Dr. Thomas: I know. I apologize. I’m just trying to get closer to my wife. The language barrier is hard enough as it is.

Dakota: Language barrier? What?

Dr. Thomas: Yes. She’s Taiwanese. She speaks almost no English.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Dr. Worf.

[Cut to Dakota and Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: Yes, my dear?

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: We’re just trying to wrap our heads around this. Was your face the last thing our grandfather saw before he died?

[Cut to Dakota and Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: Yes, yes. I was staring directly into his eyes, screaming.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Huh! I actually find that kind of comforting.

[Cut to Dakota and Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: Well, as we say in my family, [makes weird sounds].

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Is that Kligon?

[Cut to Dakota and Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: I think it’s Taiwanese. Um, it means, ‘my mother is coming to live with us.’

Dakota: What? I mean…

Dr. Thomas: I know! I suck today! Argh! I fully suck. It’s my day off! Sheesh!

[The camera zooms to Dr. Thomas]

Male voice: This fall on NBC, Worf M.D.

Dr. Thomas: Rawr!

Dakota Johnson Monologue

Dakota Johnson

Kyle Mooney

Kate McKinnon

Don Johnson

Melanie Griffith

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Dakota Johnson.

[Dakota Johnson walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Dakota Johnson: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you guys. Thank you. It is such an honor to be here hosting SNL.

[cheers and applause]

New York is so beautiful this time of year. Just kidding. For those of you who don’t know me, I am currently starring in Fifty Shades of Grey. Fifty Shades of Grey is based on the best selling novel that that made you wanna never touch your mother’s kindle again. Doing this movie has completely changed my life. Like, for instance, my dry cleaner won’t look me in the eyes anymore. And my dog walker gives me a little wink every time he takes a lease off the wall. It’s so great.

But this movie is a ton of fun and I’m really proud of it. And I don’t want to speak too soon but I have a funny feeling that at next year’s Oscars, it’s gonna be not anywhere. But who cares? Right? I mean, I don’t care about that. But, it’s already made like, $500 million and the fans really love it. And by fans, I mean very specific group of–

[Cut to Kyle in the audience.He is wearing kinky leather outfit.]

Kyle: Hey, hello. Hi, excuse me. Hi. I was wondering if I could ask you a question.

[Cut to Dakota Johnson]

Dakota Johnson: Oh, we’re not really doing questions, sir.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: What if I begged?

[Cut to Dakota Johnson]

Dakota Johnson: Okay, alright. Quickly, what is it?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: I was just wondering, who do you think will be the GOP front runner for 2016?

[Cut to Dakota Johnson]

Dakota Johnson: Oh, really? That’s not what I was expecting you to ask.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: I’m just kidding. I wanted to ask if you’d sign my wife’s ball gag. Honey?

[Kate stands up from the audience. She has the ball gag in her mouth, and now she puts it out.]

Kate: Your movie has brought us a lot closer. Even the kids have noticed.

[Cut to Dakota Johnson]

Dakota Johnson: That is so sweet. Great, okay. And now I understand why my parents will not be seeing my movie. You may not know this, but my parents are Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson. [cheers and applause] And it’s actually really incredible that I am standing on this stage right now because in December of 1988, my mother stood in this exact spot and hosted SNL. [cheers and applause] And this is true. This is true. Right after the show, my father got down on one knee and he proposed to her for the second time. And exactly nine months later, I was born. [Someone in the audience claps once] So, I must have– Thanks for that. One clap. So, I must have been conceived that night after the show… or maybe even during the show. Isn’t that right, you guys?

[Cut to Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith in the audience covering their faces trying to hide.]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Dakota Johnson]

What’s wrong? Are you embarrassed that I told that story?

[Cut to Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith]

Don Johnson: No, no. We were just afraid you were gonna be naked.

[Cut to Dakota Johnson]

Dakota Johnson: We have got a great show for you tonight. Alabama Shakes are here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

[Kyle and Kate walk to the stage to get Dakota Johnson’s autograph on ball gag]

Cinderella

Bobby Moynihan

Kyle Mooney

Prince… Taran Killam

Cinderella… Dakota Johnson

Cathyanne… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a Cinderella book. The book opens to the chapter ‘The Night of the Ball’.]

[Cut to a hall where people are dancing]

Bobby: Way to the turn out for the ball, my prince.

Kyle: Beautiful young maidens from every corner of the kingdom have assembled in hopes of catching your eyes.

Prince: Yes, but it’s always the same. Big over-stuffed dresses. Big empty smiles. They bore me so.

[Prince looks at the door]

Wait, who is that.

[Cut to Cinderella in front of the door in a blue dress.]

Bobby: I don’t know. I have never seen her before.

[Cut to Cinderella walking down the stairs while Prince is looking at her.]

Prince: Well, she is ravishing. [Prince walks towards Cinderella] Madam, you are the most beautiful vision I have ever laid eyes upon. I must know your name.

Cinderella: Oh, no. I’m just a nobody from nowhere.

Prince: Oh, please. Please, do tell me your name. I think I’m in love with you.

[Cathyanne walks in the door. She is looking untidy. ]

Cathyanne: Wow! No, hold on, hold on buddy. You are moving way too fast.

Prince: Oh, I’m sorry. Is this your father?

Cathyanne: Oh, boy! Are you rude or what? No, I am a regular woman like Michelle Robama. Thank you very much.

Cinderella: This is Cathyanne. I hope it’s okay that I brought her. She works with me as a scullery maid at my step mother’s house.

Cathyanne: That’s just a temporary job until I can get back on my feet financially.

[Cut to Prince]

Prince: Um, how charming. Now, young lady, I do believe you are the most beautiful person here.

[Cut to Cinderella and Cathyanne. Cinderella is getting happy.]

Cathyanne: Wow! Right in front of my face? Okay, happy birthday Cathyanne!

[Cut to Prince, Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: Madam, you must leave

Bobby: Yes, you are not properly attired for this ocassion.

[Cut to Cinderella and Cathyanne]

Cathyanne: Oh, you don’t like what I’m wearing? Well, you better look in the mirror. I’ve never seen pants that tight. [Cut to everybody] You better let them things breathe or you gonna lose them like my brother did. [Cut to Cinderella and Cathyanne] Now, the poor guy’s all twig, no barrels.

Cinderella: Okay, Cathyanne. This is the first I’m hearing of this. Your poor brother, my goodness. Maybe the prince could help.

[Cut to Prince]

Prince: Oh, no! What on earth could I possibly do about that? All I can say is condolences to your brother’s buries.

[Cut to Cinderella and Cathyanne]

Cathyanne: That’s gonna mean a lot him. You know, every little bit helps.

[Cut to Cinderella, Cathyanne and Prince]

Prince: Rather. Now, may I have this dance?

[Prince bows down]

Cinderella: Which one of us are you speaking to? Me or Cathyanne?

Cathyanne: Oh, please. Would you please get some self confidence? Okay, this is exactly why your step mother rocks the hell all over you. [talking to Prince] I’m sorry, you should meet this woman. I know you are royalty, but she is a real C-U-N-Thursday.

Cinderella: Cathyanne, may I speak with you for a minute? [Cinderella pulls Cathyanne away] Please look at me. Look how beautiful I am. I only get to be this until midnight and you are really eating up a lot of my time.

Cathyanne: Okay, that’s fair. That’s fair. Hey, the prince, come here.

[Prince walks to them]

Okay, she is ready to be with you. And don’t be rude, she is drag and disease free.

Cinderella: Cathyanne, no! What are you saying?

Cathyanne: Hey, you know what? I applaud you for getting those test done coz they are scary, okay? I got my HDTV test back and it was a freaking false negative. Talk about scary.

[Cut to Prince and Kyle]

Kyle: I’m sorry. Shall I physically remove her?

[Cut to Cinderella and Cathyanne]

Cathyanne: Oh, dang! This guy has had my number since I walked in here.

[Cut to Cinderella, Cathyanne and Prince]

Cinderella: Please, please, let her stay my prince. I know she comes on strong and she’s not exactly everybody’s cup of slop, but she is my only friend.

[Cut to Prince]

Prince: For you my dear, anything.

[Cut to Cinderella and Cathyanne]

Cathyanne: Oh, so if she wasn’t here, I’d be gone. Interesting. I will take note of that.

[Cut to Cinderella, Cathyanne and Prince]

Prince: Yeesh! Now, if I may have this dance.

Cinderella: It would be my pleasure.

[Cut to Bobby and Kyle]

Bobby: Maestro!

[music playing]

[Cut to Prince, Cinderella and Cathyanne. Prince and Cinderella are dancing together, and Cathyanne is dancing alone beside them.]

Cinderella: This is the best night of my life.

Cathyanne: Yeah! My second best. Maybe third.

Prince: You have made me so happy.

[midnight bell sound]

Cathyanne: Oh, dang! You hear that clock? We got to get you out of here.

Cinderella: Oh!

Prince: Wait, where are you going?

Cinderella: I’m so sorry. I can’t stay.

Cathyanne: Yeah, five more bongs like that, she’s gonna like hell in a hamburger. You think my hair is stringing? I’m sorry girlfriend, you know it’s true.

Cinderella: Yeah!

Prince: Wait, please tell me your name.

[Cinderella and Cathyanne are rushing towards the door.]

Cinderella: I’m so sorry. There is no time.

Prince: Oh, please.

Cinderella: Ah! I wish I could, but there is no time.

Prince: Well, I mean, you could have said it by now.

Cinderella: No!

[Cinderella turns around and walks out the door]

Prince: All is lost. How will I ever find her?

[Bobby comes in]

Bobby: She left her shoe. [Bobby shows him white sneakers.]

Cathyanne: Hey! [Cathyanne walks in again] That is my shoe you freak! And I’m not going through these stairs again. So, come on! Throw it.

[Bobby throws the shoe to Cathyanne]

Okay, bye bye.

[Cathyanne leaves]

Weekend Update One-Dimensional Female Character On The Super Bowl

Colin Jost

Heather… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The Super Bowl is tomorrow night. And here with her predictions for the big game, is the one dimensional female character from a male driven comedy.

[Heather slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Welcome back, Heather.

Heather: It’s me, Heather, from work. [Cut to Heather] You might not have noticed me but when you’re making jokes with your friends during the meetings, I’m the one at the back going… [Heather rolls her eyes and sighs]

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, so for your one dimensional female character, I hear you’re actually a pretty big football fan.

[Cut to Heather]

Heather: I know. It’s pretty confusing, right? I’m a girl, but I’m also hot. But I also like sports. It’s why I’m in this cute girl jersey. And tonight, I’m gonna walk in front of my stainless steel refrigerator in just this and no pants. That’s how much I like sports.

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Great! So, do you have any predictions on the score?

[Cut to Heather]

Heather: Fine. I’ll go out with you. But I’ll probably get annoyed of you half way through dinner and leave. You really need to grow up.

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I do?

Heather: You’re one to talk. [Cut to Heather] Do you even remember Megan’s lunch party? You were so wasted. You made a fool of yourself. While I was in the back in my $8,000 dress, my face was like this all night. [makes confused face] You need to grow up.

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay. So, what do you think, like, Seahawks? Patriots?

Heather: Alright, the truth. I’m pregnant.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, you’re pregnant?

[Cut to Heather]

Heather: You just can’t tell it from looking at my body from the front, or the back. Or in a bikini. My body just doesn’t show it, ever. And it never will. Sorry, I’m so complicated.

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I feel like I’m missing something here.

[Cut to Heather]

Heather: Oh, just like you missed the Jamar’s class because you decided to get thrown in the country jail for streaking with your friends. Fat Jerry and horny one.

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Is anyone following this?

Heather: Remember? You called me from jail [Cut to Heather] and I said, “Um-hmm! Um-hmm. [sigh].”

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Heather, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Heather: Nice try Colin. [Cut to Heather] Run away like you always do. [starts crying] You know what the worst part is? I actually thought you’d be excited about this. God, I’m so stupid.

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Heather, I’m utterly baffled by what’s going on right now. But I promise I had no intention to making you cry.

[Heather looks at Colin Jost and music starts playing]

Heather: Wow! You really have changed. You’ve grown up a lot.

Colin Jost: When?

[Cut to Heather]

Heather: I guess my sassy gay friend was right about you. He said, “Girl, that guys is fierce [pointing the heart] in here.” Queen didn’t lie. Here, do you want to hold your baby?

[Heather passes a baby doll to Colin Jost]

He has your eyes and your face.

Colin Jost: Oh my god, I’m a dad. I mean, I have so much to teach my child. Wait a second, is this the baby from American Sniper?

Heather: I know, confusing, right?

Colin Jost: The one dimensional female character from male driven comedy, everyone!

Heather: Go pass!

Weekend Update Jebidiah

Michael Che

Jebidiah Atkinson… Taran Killam

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The 57th annual Grammy awards are next week. Here with his reviews on nominees is someone who has been around for all 57 ceremonies. 1860s newspaper critique Jebidiah Atkinson.

[Jebidiah Atkinson slides in]

Jebidiah Atkinson: Thank you, Michael. It’s an honor to be here.

Michael Che: So, Jebidiah , are you excited for the Grammy’s

Jebidiah Atkinson: Oh, yes. [Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson] Who wouldn’t be excited for a night long tribute to the Spotify playlist of a 12 year old girl?

[Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Okay. But have you listened to all of this year’s nominees?

Jebidiah Atkinson: I have, Michael. [Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson] I’ve heard every nominated song and have carefully judged the merit of each. As always, I think you’ll find my reviews to be thoughtful and measured. [clears throat] This year’s Grammy’s nominees make me wish I lived in a soundless vacuum of space.

Meghan Trainor, she’s all about that base, bout that base, no talent.

U2? I still haven’t found what I’m looking for. A way to delete your album. And to answer your question Bono, without you.

Iggy Azalea. Hey Iggy, wake up and smell the Azaleas, you’re white! The last time anyone stole that much from black people, everybody is still dressed like me.

[Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: I mean, Jebidiah , that seems pretty harsh. You didn’t like any of the nominees?

Jebidiah Atkinson: I haven’t liked any Grammy nominee ever! [Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson] It’s been 57 years of unlistenable rubbish and I’ve reviewed it all. Here are few of my classics.

Madonna. Oh, you mean the only thing Alex can still hit. No thank you. Next!

Hall and Oates. The most talented member of that group is ‘The End’. Next!

Celine Dion. Someone turn her Celine Di-off! My heart will go on? This song is bigger disaster than the actual Titanic. And I should know, I was there

[Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: You were on the actual Titanic?

Jebidiah Atkinson: I certainly was. [Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson] And if you as me, there were too many life boats. Oh! [Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson and Michael Che] Save it! That’s just the tip of the iceberg.

Michael Che: Alright, Jebidiah , getting back to the Grammy’s. Is there seriously no nominees you ever liked? Like, ever! What about the Beatles? Everybody loves the Beatles.

Jebidiah Atkinson: Oh, the Beatles. [Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson] If anything, they ruined Yoko. Next!

Frank Sinatra. His only decent hits were the ones the mafia did for him. Ah!

Now we come to the worst Grammy nominee of all time, Elvis. But I probably shouldn’t do this one since the audience jumped ship over the Titanic joke.

[Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Yeah, you probably–

Jebidiah Atkinson: [yelling] I’m going to do it, Michael! [Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson] Elvis has left the building. Why, was there a sail across the street on Capes and Quaaludes? And those lyrics, ‘You ain’t nothing but a hound dog’. If those lyrics were any more juvenile, Michael Jackson would have tried to take napes with him. Ah! Ah!

[Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson and Michael Che]

That joke too old for you? It was too old for Michael too.

Michael Che: Jebidiah Atkinson, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of a dog on a weighing machine at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new report shows that half of the dogs in the US are overweight. Which explains why the most popular breed in America is the type type 2 dia-beagle.

[Picture changes to a calendar of the month February.]

It’s February which means it’s black history month. A time when post offices release special stamps as a tribute to great people of color. Famous black heroes like Martin Luther King, Rosa Parks, [Picture changes to Panthro comic character] Panthro, etc. etc. But this year, I’d like to see stamps of lesser known black heroes that history books may have forgotten. I mean we all know Thurgood Marshall, the first black member of the Supreme Court. But do you know PJ Morton? The first black member of Maroon 5? He could use a stamp. There’s a stamp for Crispus Attucks, the first American to die in revolutionary war. But what about the stamp for Crispus Attucks’s mother? The first black woman to name her son Chrispus!

Of course we all know Jackie Robinson, the first African American in major league baseball. But do you know Johnny Keys, the first black man in interracial porno? I know what you’re thinking, but could you imagine what Johnny Keys had to go through in those days? I mean, Jackie Robinson got death threats and he was just playing baseball with white people. Johnny Keys should be on every stamp. And while we’re giving out stamps, how about Maury Povich? I know he is white. But he has brought more black families together than anyone I can think of. [There’s a picture of Maury Povich’s TV show] And he set more black men free than Abraham Lincoln himself.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Sam smith and Tom Petty at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that Sam Smith has agreed to pay Tom Petty royalties for his hit song ‘Stay With Me’ due to it’s resemblance to Petty’s song ‘I won’t back down’. While Petty has agreed to pay royalties to Disney due to his resemblance to [Picture changes to Tom Petty and cartoon Jiminy Cricket] Jiminy Cricket.

[Picture changes to Disney cartoon]

Disney this week unveiled Elena, it’s first Latina princess. Oh, sure, but when I call someone a Latina princess, I’m “ruining the quinceanera”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a Court and a bat at right top corner.]

Michael Che: How many quinceanera are you going to, man? People fled a courtroom in Arkansas after more than 30 bats flew inside during the trial. “Uh, that doesn’t not look good for me”, said the woman on trial for witchcraft.

[Picture changes to Hershey’s milk chocolate]

The Hershey company has announced that it has purchased Krave Pure Foods which makes beef jerky. Hershey made the purchase while drunk at a gas station.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a cat at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A cat who was buried by it’s owner after it was hit by a car dug it’s way out of the grave and returned to it’s owner five days later. That story again, a lady found a cat that looked like her old cat.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Mitt Romney at left top corner.]

Mitt Romney announced Friday that he would not be running in the 2016  presidential race. [audience applaud] To which republicans responded, [in soft voice] “No, please, no. Okay.”

[Picture changes to Raul Castro]

Cuban’s Raul Castro has demanded that if the US wants to restore full diplomatic relations, it must return control of Guantanamo bay to Cuba. And I’m guessing, we’re not getting back [Picture changes to people held in prison.] our security deposit.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Barack Obama and Saudi Arabia flag.]

Michael Che: President Obama defended the need for the US to maintain a closer lines with Saudi Arabia despite the country’s poor human rights record. But I get what Obama’s doing. You see, oil is our drug and Saudi Arabia is our dealer. And you can’t expect to like everything about your drug dealer. Coz I mean, like most drug dealers, Saudi Arabia is a little sketchy and he has some strange opinions on politics and women, but you listen to him anyway. And you should, coz he’s got that loud sticky icky oil. It ain’t easy to find.

[Picture changes to Chris Christie]

The New Jersey governor Chris Christie has filed paperwork to form a political action committee which is step one, toward a possible presidential campaign. However, Christie maintains as step zero on his fitbit.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Chris Christie at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was noted this week that the acronym for Chris Christie’s new political action committee, LeadershipMattersForAmerica.Org spells out the internet slang, LMFAO. Not to be confused with Joe Biden’s slogan, [Picture changes to Joe Biden with his slogan acronym ‘DTF’] Deliver The future.

[Picture changes to Super Bowl]

During the Super Bowl on Sunday, the NFL will show it’s first anti-domestic violence PSA. Hey, that’s smart. Show at the one time NFL players can’t watch it.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Benedict Cumberbatch at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Benedict Cumberbatch apologize for comments he made during an interview in which he referred to black actors as colored. In fairness, the interview was with ‘Just Between You and Me’ magazine.