John Krasinski Monologue

John Krasinski

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, John Krasinski.

[John Krasinski walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

John: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Wow! I am so honored to be hosting the first show of 2021. I genuinely cannot tell you what a huge deal it is for me to be here right now. I have been watching this show since I was eight years old. I was trying to explain that to my kids, what I was doing this week, and I told them, “You know how your favorite show is PAW Patrol? My favorite show is SNL. So, for me, it’s like I’m on PAW Patrol.” And they were like, “What? You’re on PAW Patrol?” And I said, “No, no, no.” They were like, “Oh, well then call us when you’re on PAW Patrol.” So, to actually be here now on this historic stage is nothing sort of mind blowing for me because–

Alex: [from the audience] Hey! Hey, Jim. I have a question.

John: Okay. I guess we’re doing questions now.

Alex: So, my question is you’re Jim from the office?

John: No. I’m actually John. But yes, hello.

Alex: Okay. Follow up question. To the office!

John: I’m not actually sure what that would even look like.

Alex: Hey. Where’s Pam?

John: Alright. Pam is a fictional character. That is where she is. But I am here and I am so excited to be on this stage with all of you. My wife Emily Blunt actually hosted few years ago and she has some great advice. She said, “John, when you go–

Ego: [from the audience] Hi, Jim.

John: Hi. Another question.

Ego: You look different.

John: Thank you very much. I’ve been working out for the part of Jack Ryan. Thank you. Obviously not enough, but —

Ego: No. Yeah, you need to stop it.

John: Stop working out? I’m sorry.

Ego: Yes. Jim is soft.

John: Okay. Well, that’s not really a question.

Ego: Jim sits all day. When you touch Jim, your hand goes in like memory foam.

John: Okay. I’m sorry. But ma’am, here’s what I’m going to do. I’m not going to talk to you anymore.

Kenan: I got a question.

John: Okay.

Kenan: Kiss Pam.

John: Alright. None of these things are really questions, though. Are they?

Kenan: I need you to kiss Pam, that is what I need to see today.

John: Alright. Guys, here’s the deal. Pam’s not real. She’s played by Jenna Fisher. We are friends. We are married to other people.

Kenan: Is your wife here?

John: No. Actually, she’s back in the UK.

Kenan: Well, then kiss Pam.

John: I’m so sorry. Lorne, is there something we can do about all these questions?

[Pete Davidson walks in the stage]

Pete: Hey, John. How are you doing?

John: Hi. Good. It’s going good. It’s going great.

Pete: Oh, I’m sorry, man, about this. I think what’s happening is everyone’s been stuck inside for a year watching “The Office” non-stop. So, Jim and Pam are like, really real for them.

Kenan: Is that Pam?

John: No. Clearly, this isn’t Pam. This is Pete Davidson.

Pete: I think they really need for someone to be Pam.

John: Really? I mean I tried to explain to them that Pam’s not actually–

Pete: I think we gotta give them what they want, Jim. Jim, you gotta kiss Pam.

Alex, Ego, Kenan: Kiss Pam! Kiss Pam! Kiss Pam! Kiss Pam!

John: Alright!

[John turns to Pete and kisses him.]

Alex, Ego, Kenan: Yay! Okay, let’s go!

[Alex, Ego, Kenan run away]

John: That did feel really good. Wow. Thank you, Pam. Well, we have a great show for you tonight. Machine Gun Kelly is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Bullies

Damien… Andrew Dismukes

Kyle Mooney

Mikey Day

Punkie Johnson

Nate… Pete Davidson

John Krasinski

[Starts with a boy reading a book in school. Other boys walk up and start bullying him.]

Kyle: What’s up, loser?

Mikey: What you reading there, ass lick? Little comic book?

[Kyle seizes the book from Damien]

Damien: Give it back!

Punkie: Or what? You gonna cry?

Nate: Little bitch is gonna cry.

[John sees them]

John: Hey! Leave my little brother alone.

[John takes the book back and passes it to Damien]

Nate: Alright, John. Whatever, man. Chill.

John: No, I’m not gonna chill, Nate. Because to be honest, I’m sick of dumb asses like you messing with him. So he’s not captain of the football team, so what? This guy is still cool.

Damien: Thanks, John.

John: So what if he’s never kissed a girl? Big freaking deal? This guy practices kissing all the time.

Damien: Not all the time.

John: And guess what? News flash! Our mom says he’s getting pretty damn good at it.

Kyle: Wait, what?

John: Oh, you think he’s weird, right? Why? Because he sleeps in our parent’s bed when he’s scared?

Damien: Sometimes.

John: Or is it because he has to wear prescription charcoal underwear for his medical gas?

Damien: [embarrassed] Busted!

John: I’ll tell you what? I think he’s brave.

Mikey: Yo, this bitch? Brave? I don’t know about that.

John: Oh, you don’t? Okay. Cast your mind, imagine this. Going into the school bathroom and taking a dump so bad, they had to cancel classes.

Damien: No.

John: But still somehow, he shows up to school the next day with his head held high. He did that.

Punkie: That was you?

Damien: No. Maybe.

John: You look at Damien and all you see is a loner. Right? A loser. A kid with a list of jocks name in his wallet.

Mikey: That’s concerning.
John: To you he’s just a kind that won’t take off his shirt in gym class, right?

Damien: Alright, let’s get out of here.

John: But if you had a birthmark shaped like a swastika, you wouldn’t either!

Damien: Please stop.

Kyle: I’m with Damien, John. Maybe just stop.

John: Why? So you can make fun of him again about his inverted nipples?

Punkie: I didn’t even know about that.

John: Or his inverted foreskin maybe?

Nate: Or that.

John: See, maybe if your foreskin grew down toward the base instead of up towards the tip, you would have a little bit of sympathy for what this dude has been through.

Damien: It’s not that weird.

John: 15 surgeries to correct it.

Damien: Minor ones.

John: Constant cleaning, q-tips, alcohol.

Damien: Alcohol! Party time.

John: And still our mom sends him back to have it redone. Why? Because it doesn’t look right.

Damien: Everyone’s a critic.

Mikey: Wait, sorry. Your mom?

John: You know what? He’s my brother. And he’s cool enough for me. Let’s go, Damien.

[When Damien bends over to get his back, his pants are wet.]

Punkie: Oh! He doogied himself!

John: Hey! Don’t think it was your bullying that made him do that. Okay? Because that has been there all day.

Damien: Yeah!

John: Yeah!

Blue Georgia

Sheriff… John Krasinski

Lee… Pete Davidson

Ms. Crystal… Aidy Bryant

William… Beck Benett

Biscuit… Kenan Thompson

Jimmy… Andrew Dismukes

Alex Moffatt

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Blue Georgia intro]

Song: Blue Georgia, sweet Blue Georgia
you’re a friend of mine.

[Cut to Sheriff and Lee getting in a restaurant]

Sheriff: Hey there, Ms. Crystal.

Ms. Crystal: Oh, Sheriff. Ain’t you a side?

Sheriff: I just wanted to stop by so you all can meet my cousin, Lee, from out of town.

Ms. Crystal: Well, look at you. Where are you coming from, Lee?

Lee: New York city.

Ms. Crystal: New York city? Well, welcome. Good to see you fellow blue stator. We’re just like y’all.

Lee: I mean, I doin’t know if you’re just like us.

Sheriff: Oh, no. We bet we are. See, Georgia is all blue now. Maybe heard about our election on the news?

Ms. Crystal: Oh, yes. Don’t get me started on the news. I can’t stand that CNN with it’s corporate, neo-liberal, both-sides nonsense. Just give me my Rachel Maddow on MSNBC any day.

Sheriff: A-women to that, Ms. Crystal.

Lee: Okay.

Ms. Crystal: Well so, what are y’all having?

Lee: Well, I heard a lot about southern food, so just give me the special.

Ms. Crystal: Okay, you got it. One avocado, one gluten free toast.

Sheriff: And I’ll have your beyond meat loaf.

Ms. Crystal: Got it.

[Sheriff and Lee sit at a table. There’s William sitting right there.]

William: Sit down, Sheriff. My name is William He-him, but everyone calls me Skeeter.

Sheriff: Skeeter owns the electric truck dealership down yonder.

Ms. Crystal: Yeah, and I’m Crystal. She-ma’am.

Sheriff: And over there is old Biscuit He-him. Down to some good read there, Biscuit?

Biscuit: Oh, yes indeed. Just reading from the good book “Becoming” by Michelle Obama.

Sheriff: Ain’t that a good book? I tell you, ain’t nothing finer than reading on your solar heated porch, sipping lemonade through a reusable metal straw.

Lee: Hey, before we eat, I should wash my hands. You know where the men’s room is?

William: Yes, back in 2015. We don’t have men’s room. But all-gender restroom is just down the way.

Lee: Oh. You guys have all-gender restroom?

William: Oh-oh, Sheriff, I think your cousin thinks we’re all crazy Christian types.

Lee: No, no. I never said that. Even if you, it’s fine. I mean, I’m Jewish.

William: Hold on. You’re Jewish?

Lee: Yeah.

William: Well, I hope you know what we do to Jewish folks down here in Georgia. We elect them. Ha-ha-ha.

Sheriff: Yeah. I don’t know if you heard but we got a 33 year old Jewish senator now. Mazel tov, y’all.

Ms. Crystal: Wow, that Ossoff fellow makes these cheeks a-blush.

Sheriff: Ms. Crystal!

Lee: Where am I?

[Another policeman walks in]

Jimmy: Sheriff! Sheriff!

Sheriff: Now, slow down there, Jimmy. What seems to be the big emergency?

Jimmy: Oh, Sheriff, it was crazy. All these black lives matter folks just came down to the station and wanted to protest in our town. Well, I was just so honored. I filled the permits right away.

Sheriff: Well, that’s mighty kind of you, Jimmy. Tell them they can stop by next week.

Jimmy: Will do. I’m so nervous. Should I wear my bla-shiki?

Sheriff: Now, wouldn’t go doing that, Jimmy. See, you might be appropriate.

[Alex walks in with his MAGA hat on and takes a seat.]

Ms. Crystal: [getting nervous] Well, I never!

[Sheriff walks to Alex]

Sheriff: Excuse me. You lost?

Alex: Um, no. Just want to get something to eat. I’m here from Florida.

Ms. Crystal: Oh!

William: Well, la-di-da!

Sheriff: Sir, I don’t know what they’re teaching over there in Florida, but this here is Georgia. This is Stacey Abrams’ country.

Biscuit: The republic of Stankonia.

William: Birth place of REM and TLC.

Sheriff: Sir, why don’t you let Jimmy here drive you to the state line before any trouble starts.

Alex: Trouble? Don’t bother, I’ll see myself out. [walks to the door and looks back at everybody] Ay, what happened to y’all anyway? Georgia has changed.

Biscuit: Yeah, science is real and love is love. Tell us something we don’t know, sucker!

[Melissa walks in]

Melissa: Excuse me. I’m from the health department. You’ve got a big problem. No one in this entire town is wearing a mask.

Ms. Crystal: Well, that’s coz we’re free!

Jimmy: Hoax!

Lee: Now, that’s Georgia.