Category: 2021

Weekend Update New Minimum Wage Amanda Gorman Super Bowl Poem

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Capitol building at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Democrats in congress have introduced legislation to raise a federal minimum wage to $15 an hour which would finally give minimum wage workers the ability to pay rent in the year 1995.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Amanda Gorman at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The NFL has announced that the Super Bowl pre game show will feature Amanda Gorman who resided her poem “The Hill We Climb” in the inauguration. The show also feature Rob Gronkowski residing his poem, “The Man From The Nantucket”.

[Picture changes to a shark]

According to a new report, Michael Che0Michael Che0 was one of the deadliest years for shark attacks with 10 reported fatalities. “Adorable,” said bats.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Belle Delphine at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was reported that adult model Belle Delphine is making over $1 million a month by selling her used bathwater which is crazy because it doesn’t taste that good.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of McDonald’s nuggets at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: McDonald’s announced that for a limited time, it’s bringing back it’s spicy chicken McNuggets and mighty hot sauce because there has never been a better time to breathe heavily and lick your fingers.

[Picture changes to CocaCola Coffee]

CocaCola has introduced the new line of coffee cokes that they say sips like a coke, finishes like a coffee and feels like someone tasered your butthole.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a dog at left top corner.]

Michael Che: It was revealed that Freddie, the world’s tallest dog has died. The cause of death has been listed as ceiling fan.

[Picture changes to a map of Slovakia]

A woman in Slovakia helped arrest a man robbing a gas station by performing oral sex on him until police arrived. The woman was able to stall him for that long being terrible at it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a dog at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Southwest airlines has changed their policy from emotional support animals and now will only allow cats and dogs on board while over at Spirit, everyone’s given a snake.

Weekend Update My Pillow CEO Mike Lindell on Getting Banned from Twitter

Colin Jost

Mike Lindell… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Twitter continued its crack down on voter fraud misinformation by banning Mike Lindell, the CEO of My Pillow and vocal supporter of president Trump. Here to comment is Mike Lindell.

[Mike Lindell slides in with a pillow in his hands]

Mike Lindell: Hello, hey. Thanks there, Colin. Yes, it’s me, Mike Lindell, the inventor of My Pillow. And thank you all so much for making My Pillow the number one pillow in America.

Colin Jost: Right. Yes. Mike, so you were just banned from Twitter for spreading all this voter fraud lies that inspired the insurrectionists.

Mike Lindell: Well, hold on there, buckle! I didn’t inspire no insurrection nobody. I’m just a normal American ex crack addict turned Pillow CEO and advisor of the former president.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Well, speaking of that, can we talk about how your photograph on your way to meet Trump with documents about martial law?

Mike Lindell: Oh, no, no, Colin. That was just a standard pillow meeting. Nothing to do with martial law at all. I just suggested the military overthrow the government. Look, if that’s not democracy, I don’t know what is.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I think you might just not know what it is.

Mike Lindell: Yeah, that may be. But hey, I’m not a politics guy. I’m a pillow guy. Before My Pillow, I tried sleeping on everything. Dirt, cement, old man’s lap. But I tell you what set My Pillow apart. It has fantastic political ideas.

Colin Jost: Hold on. So, you talk to your My Pillow?

Mike Lindell: No. I listen. Shh! He’s awake. What’s that My Pillow? Uh-huh. Really? Wow! My Pillow said Dominion overran the voting machine algorithms.

Colin Jost: What?

Mike Lindell: Yeah. So China could swing in for Biden, with Hugo Chavez, Kim Jong-Un and Crissy Teigen.

Colin Jost: Oh my god. Dude, you are all over the place.

Mike Lindell: No, you’re on crack again.

Colin Jost: Dude, Dominion is threatening to sue you and now Kohl’s Bed Bath and Beyond, they’re pulling My Pillows from the store. Doesn’t that bother you?

Mike Lindell: Not at all Colin, because you can always buy my book.  “What are the odds? From crack addict to CEO.” In fact, I’d like to read a passage right now. [clears his throat] There I was, faced down in the middle of a Mexican street… again. As out, no clue where I was. But hey, that’s Mexico for you. That’s when I saw him. A pillow, alone and shivering on a side of the road. He seemed lost. He wasn’t the only one. [pointing at himself] So, we made a pact. We get sober, return to the Unites States of America and create the best pillow company ever after one final fiesta. So, we went nuts. We’re talking two peso whores and a truck load of crack just for me and my pillow. Well, that night was a year. The end.

Colin Jost: That’s the end of your book?

Mike Lindell: Yeah. I don’t know. My brain’s on fire.

Colin Jost: Mike Lindell, everyone.

Mike Lindell: Look, Jane Krakowski’s obsessed with me.

Weekend Update GameStop Stock Surges

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a calendar at left top corner.]

Well guys, a lot has happened since our last show. Some of it was good. The inauguration. That was nice. Christmas. I like Christmas. [picture changes to a news article that has quoted white people rioting at the Capitol building as the terrorists] Hey, now the terrorist watchlist includes white people. So, yay for diversity. It’s important to see yourself represented. And of course it’s been a big week for my favorite store at the State Island mall, GameStop. Because a group of guys on Reddit figured out a way to get rich off GameStop while bankrupting a bunch of hedge funds. If you don’t understand how that works, it’s a lot like, and I’ve been waiting so long to reference this, the 2013 magic themed heist movie “Now You See Me.” It’s about four outsider magicians who use power of illusion to rob banks. And tonight, if we can all rally together to make “Now You See Me” the number one movie on Hulu, that would be as unlikely as GameStop as being number one stock in America.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Biden signed an executive order urging US agencies to buy American made products. Unfortunately, the only products still made in America are tactical gear for white malicious and student loan debt.

[Picture changes to a map of West Virginia]

West Virginia has emerged as a leader in the country for distributing the coronavirus vaccine. They were able to get people to come in for vaccinations by simply putting up a sign. [Picture changes to a sign that says “Free meth this way”.]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rand Paul at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Senator Rand Paul who looks like Kevin Spacey playing an elderly woman introduced a motion this week that the second impeachment of Donald Trump was unconstitutional and it’s times like this that I think it’s important that we as a country remember that Rand Paul [picture changes to a news article that says “Rand Paul attacked by neighbor”] got his ass kicked by his neighbor while he was mowing his lawn. Now, as hilarious as that must have been to watch, violence against law makers is wrong and his neighbor went to jail for eight months. So, we should be allowed to punish the president who sent MadMax to overthrow the government. [Picture changes to a guy with face paint, fur coat and horn cap at the Capitol riot.] But if Rand Paul wants the violence, we could have Rand Paul fight Logan Paul. In that way, no matter who loses, America wins.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Biden signed an executive order repealing Trump’s ban on transgender people serving in the military. Fortunately, yes, it’s good news, except Biden is calling a policy “Don’t ask, don’t tuck” which is not good news. Whatever, man.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a collapsed highway at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I don’t know if you saw this. Yesterday, a large section of California’s famed highway-one collapsed into the ocean and I hate to agree with Marjorie Taylor Greene but, I think it was Jewish space lasers.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of $20 bills at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The treasury department announced that they will resume efforts to replace Andrew Jackson on $20 bill with Harriet Tubman. I’m excited to celebrate those Tubman 20s with a few underground rails. [Picture changes to cocaine line and a rolled $20 bill.]

Weekend Update Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese on New York City

Michael Che

Fran Lebowitz… Bowen Yang

Martin Scorsese… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Governor Andrew Cuomo announced this week that the New York city could open indoor dining by mid February. Here to comment are the stars of the Netflix show  “Pretend It’s a City”, Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese.

[Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese slide in]

Fran Lebowitz: Here we are!

Michael Che: How are you doing, Fran and Martin? It’s an honor to have you both here.

Fran Lebowitz: Please. I’ve been so bored at home, I was about to get married to my cufflinks. Let me tell you, I’ve done so many interviews in front of audiences, I have squatter’s rights at the 92nd street wide, okay?

[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Michael Che: Well, I love the series because it’s the two of you just sitting and talking and Marty just losing his mind.

[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Fran Lebowitz: That’s right. They asked me my range and I said I can sit and I can sit down. And the people who went to these talks, they were children. They asked me should I be a writer, should I be a film maker? I say, “No, you should be something useful. Be a piece of melon wrapped in prosciutto.”

[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Michael Che: And that’s your advice?

Fran Lebowitz: What? Martin loves it.

Michael Che: Yeah, Martin seems to love everything you do. Martin, how is it shooting with Fran?

[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Okay, well, Fran, do you think New York is doing right now good? Is it doing okay?

Fran Lebowitz: Ah, I love it. It’s the worst. Disgusting. I’ll never move. My friends, they’re inviting me to their backyards where socially distanced gatherings, the only outro gathering I go to is the taxi line at JFK. You know why? They let you smoke. Okay?[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly] Martin, you still into this? [Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly] Yeah.[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Michael Che: You’re a real New Yorker through and through, Fran.

Fran Lebowitz: Yes, yes. You’re right. You’re right. But hey, remember when everyone in New York city had a machete?

Michael Che: No.

Fran Lebowitz: It used to be, you would go on a subway and you would look at a man’s machete or his penis. Now, everybody’s looking at their phones. You know why? Because there’s nothing to look at. And what’s Dwayne weed?

Martin Scorsese: [out of breath laughing] You’re so funny.

Fran Lebowitz: Kids are so short nowadays, you know why? You can’t smoke in bars anymore.

Michael Che: I don’t think that’s why.

Fran Lebowitz: Gender doesn’t exist anymore, you know why? Ed Koch died.

[Martin Scorsese is laughing so hard, he pulls off his eyebrows.]

Michael Che: Did he just laugh his eyebrows off?

Fran Lebowitz: Martin, listen to this. I was walking down the street the other day and you know what occurred to me? Emotional support animals.

[Martin Scorsese is laughing so hard, he falls off his seat]

Michael Che: Oh my god!

Fran Lebowitz: Martin’s off the chair. Time to go.

Michael Che: Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese, everybody!

Fran Lebowitz: Taxi! Taxi!

Weekend Update Cathy Anne on the Capitol Insurrection

Michael Che

Cathy Anne… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: With the Capitol riots behind us, people are still trying to figure out how so many people got swept away by such a wrong headed movement. Here with her take is the lady that’s always yelling outside my window, Cathy Anne.

[Cathy Anne slides in]

Cathy Anne: Well, well, well. Do my eyes deceive me?

Michael Che: How are you, Cathy–

Cathy Anne: Wait, wait, wait. I’m doing a poem for you. Tis the east and Michael Che is the sun, so I give him my moon. [Cathy Anne stands and tries to open her pants.]

Michael Che: No, no. Hey, Cathy Anne!

Cathy Anne: Ha-ha. I’m just playing around. Lighten up.

Michael Che: Well, you’re supposed to be here to talk about the insurrection at the Capitol.

Cathy Anne: Right, right. Let me tell you, I was glued to the TV during that insurrections.

Michael Che: Oh, so you were watching it?

Cathy Anne: No, I was glued to a TV. Man, it’s been a lot pandemic, okay? Sometimes, you get your huffing glue mixed up with your Purell. I’m only human, man.

Michael Che: Okay, but you got to admit that the riot was pretty shocking.

Cathy Anne: Oh. Do I? I’m not shocked. That’s our right to premises. Listen, when someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time, right? The local pervert ain’t gonna have a business suit under a trench coat next time. It’s always going to be his privates. Oh, and by the way, how can anybody say whits are supreme anyway? I’m white and whenever I wake up in a dumpster behind IKEA, I never think, “Wow, score run for the master race.”

Michael Che: Why did you wake up in an IKEA dumpster?

Cathy Anne: Because I fell asleep in there. What? You don’t get tired, Mr. Hollywood? Of course. You know what? These republicans ain’t gonna do nothing about these traitors even though they’re the ones that are going to be killed, right? What the hell is wrong with them? You know, that remind me of opossums.

Michael Che: What? Why?

Cathy Anne: You know, coz opossum’s got only two move. Either they hiss or they play dead. “Hiss! Hiss! Oh, Donald Trump!” [acting like playing dead]

Michael Che: You’re pretty good at this.

Cathy Anne: Yeah, well, I had to play dead once. I got tapped at the eight pass at the zoo. The mother gorilla must have thought I was one of her’s, you know? She just yanked me right up as I was walking by. Took the zookeeper three darts to knock the mama out. Five to knock me out.

Michael Che: [laughing] It took more darts to knock you out than a gorilla?

Cathy Anne: Would you quit flirting? Sagging me with those eyes? You know what the sad thing is? They all got played, right? Trump only pardoned his rich friends. You know what? I could use one of those pardons, right? But they only cover high crimes and misdemeanors, and my crimes were very high. You know what I’m saying?

Michael Che: Yes, I get it.

Cathy Anne: You get high … crimes?

Michael Che: Oh, yes, I get it.

Cathy Anne: Drugs?

Michael Che: No, we get it, Cathy Anne.

Cathy Anne: You know what I’m saying?

Michael Che: Yeah, drugs, got it.

Cathy Anne: Yeah? You…

Michael Che: I got it.

Cathy Anne: Okay. Now everybody’s just worried about more insurrections around the country, right? How to make sure it don’t happen no more. Hello, I know how. Put them in prison. That’s where they should be, right? They’re Nazis. And you know what? Actually, I think they like it because prison’s got all the things white supremacists love. Other white supremacists, drama, lounge wear and chicken fingers. You know what? In fact, I think they would thrive. They have found it.

Michael Che: Cathy Anne, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Twins

Mischa Shumway… Cecily Strong

Dale Tillman… Beck Bennett

Craig Steer… John Krasinski

Jacob… Mikey Day

Josephine… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Mischa in her news set]

Mischa: I’m, Mischa. This is “The Dividend”. It’s been a wild week on Wall Street. Here to break it down with me is an investment analyst, Dale Tillman.

Dale: Always a pleasure, Mischa. Glad that it worked out that I could be here.

Mischa: Be quiet. You have nothing going on. And joining us from his home in Connecticut, economist, Craig Steer.

Craig: Talk about easy commute. I just had to walk from my living room.

Mischa: Now, a number of hedge funds got caught with their pants down this week when Reddit users drove the price of GameStop up executing a short squeeze. Craig, your thoughts?

Craig: Listen, I think you know how I feel. Right? Power to the people. I mean, why shouldn’t Joe Schmo get rich using the same tactics as Johnny hedge fund?

Mischa: Craig, I’m sorry, but can I ask what’s going on with the art work behind you?

Craig: Oh! My daughter painted that. It’s called the Restless Sinner. She’s very talented. Both my twin daughters, actually. My son Jacob makes these terrific sculptures. I think I have one right here. [Craig pulls out a long human baby toy with MischaDale hands.] Yeah.

Mischa: Oh!

Craig: This one’s called centi-pediatric. Anyway, sorry to show off. I’m just a proud papa.

Mischa: Okay. Well, your twins are certainly talented. But I’m a little worried some viewers might find that Gory painting and baby centipede unsettling. Can you maybe cover them up so we don’t see them?

Dale: Yeah. I think that’s a good idea. I’m pretty unsettled. Could you maybe move your camera?

Craig: Well, I don’t know. I got a desktop here. Let me see. [Craig moves forward to see the computer, so now we can only see his sweater from close.] You know guys, really sorry. [Craig takes his seat. Now, there are his twins behind him looking creepy.]

Mischa: Oh!

Dale: My god!

Jacob: Father.

Josephine: Father.

Jacob: Father.

Josephine: Father.

Craig: Oh! Look up. Cameo alert. Here they are. There’s the twins. Jacob, Josephine. Guys, why are you in here? I told you to play outside while dad was working.

Jacob: The neighbor boy showed us pornography on his phone.

Josephine: We didn’t look away. We liked it, father.

Jacob: Why did we like it, father?

Craig: Well, you know what? We’ll talk about it later. Just go play. [looking at the camera] Kids, am I right? Sorry about that guys.

Mischa: Yeah. Well, Dale, what’s your take on all this?

Dale: I don’t know. Maybe they’re home schooled or something?

Mischa: I meant the stock market, Dale!

Dale: Oh, that. Well, I think Craig’s got it all wrong. I mean, this sort of market manipulation is dangerous.

Craig: Okay. Hold on. Now, what is dangerous about–

[Craig’s video freezes.]

Mischa: Craig? Looks like you froze there. Craig, can you hear me?

[when Craig is back, the twins are also behind him]

Craig: Sorry about that. I’m back.

Mischa: Oh my god!

Josephine: Why does Dale disagree with you father?

Jacob: I don’t like Dale. [devil voice] Dale makes me angry.

Dale: Guys, I’m sorry.

Craig: Guys, go. Let daddy work. Okay? So, maybe go make a snack.

Josephine: May I make us mustard on toast?

Jacob: I want to make it. She is stingy with the mustard.

Josephine: Because you are indulgent with the mustard.

Craig: Okay, guys, please.

[Jacob and Josephine leave]

Dale: Craig, your twins know that we just have difference of opinion and I’m not your enemy, right?

Craig: [laughing] Your’e too much, Dale!

Dale: I’m serious.

Mischa: Well, this obviously has Wall Street worried for a lot of reasons. What should they be most concerned about? Craig?

[now Jacob and Josephine are so close to the camera that you can barely see Craig]

Craig: I am so sorry, Mischa. Listen guys, for real, daddy’s working, okay? Say good bye. Love you.

Jacob: Good bye.

Josephine: Goo bye, [devil voice] Dale.

Dale: I hate that she said my name.

Mischa: Yeah, better you than me. Well, today’s viewer poll asked the same question, what’s Wall Street’s biggest fear? 17% of you said increased market manipulation while 83% said those twins. Have to agree.

Dale: Craig, maybe your twins could come back. I thought I didn’t like seeing them, but it’s even worse when I don’t know where they are.

Craig: Okay, Dale. I see what’s going on here. You’re afraid to have a little bit of a debate with me because you worship at the alter of the hedge fund. Now, what’s wrong? You getting a little hot under the collar there?

[the twins are behind Dale now]

Dale: I don’t feel hot but I just got really cold.

Mischa: Okay. We’re going to take a quick break. Keep in here.

Supermarket Sweep

David Ruprecht… John Krasinski

James… Chris Redd

Dina… Ego Nwodim

Billy… Andrew Dismukes

Riba… Lauren Holt

Kris… Aidy Bryant

Gina… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with TV show schedule]

Female voice: You’re watching the Game Show Newtork’s 90’s Throwback Night. At 8, it’s Dogs vs Kids. At 9, it’s The Great American Slime Race. But now, it’s a classic 1991 episode of Supermarket Sweep.

[cut to the show set]

David Ruprecht: Hello and welcome back to Supermarket Sweep. It’s jeopardy for food. I’m your host David Ruprecht. Let’s meet today’s contestants. James and Dina. Billy and Reba. And Kris and Gina. Welcome to the show. James and Dina, how do you know each other?

James: We’re dating.

Dina: We’re engaged.

David Ruprecht: Terrific. Billy and Reba?

Billy and Riba: We’re married.

David Ruprecht: Very nice. And Kris and Gina. How do you two know each other?

Gina: We are very good friends.

Kris: Yes. We breed pugs

Gina: We also share clogs.

Kris: Yes. And one bedroom home in Vermont.

David Ruprecht: Super. Alright. You excited for sweep?

Gina: Oh sir, yes sir.

Kris: We have a dozen rescued animals with different unmanageable medical conditions that require separate diets.

Gina: We know the supermarket like the back of our strong women’s hand.

David Ruprecht: Well, that sounds good to me. Okay. Let’s get to the most famous part of Supermarket Sweep, the little quiz about grocery items. Who’s ready? Alright. So, here we go. Laid by a feathered bird on two legs, this breakfast oval is known as…

[Kris and Gina pressing the buzzer button]

Kris: Eggs.

Gina: It’s eggs.

Kris: Eggs.

David Ruprecht: Very good. Kris and Gina.

[Gina and Kris look at each other]

Gina: I love you.

[Gina and Kris kiss]

Kris: You’re my king.

David Ruprecht: Little friendship kiss there. And wow! Eggs are a $100 bonus items. So Gina, go find those eggs.

Gina: Okay, [pointing at Kris] this is for you

Kris: Go my provider.

[Gina runs towards the grocery section of the set and brings in the eggs.]

Gina: I love you.

Kris: Come on. Get those eggs.

Gina: Got em’. God, I missed you.

Kris: I missed you so much.

Gina: That was crazy for me.

Kris: I am sick when you are not here.

Gina: Let’s never do that again.

[Dina presses the buzzer button]

Dina: Egg

David Ruprecht: That is correct but little late. Great job to the gal pals but couples, you’re still in this. Okay, here’s your next clue. If you’re running late–

[Kris and Gina pressing the buzzer button]

Kris and Gina: It’s ketchup.

David Ruprecht: That is correct.

Riba: [to Billy] Why didn’t you say ketchup?

Billy: They’re so fast.

Riba: Don’t yell at me.

Billy: Don’t emasculate me on TV.

David Ruprecht: Oh, trouble in paradise. Now, let’s learn a little bit about our front runners. What do you guys do for work?

Kris: I have a doctorate in grocery riddles.

Gina: That’s right. And I’m a unitarian minister.

David Ruprecht: Neat. What would you do with the money if you win?

Kris: Well, our blind horse needs a full time nurse.

Gina: Yeah. My snow shoes are looking a little ratty.

Kris: Yeah. And I do need titanium ankles because mine are just sort of bone on bone.

David Ruprecht: Ouchie! Well, good luck catching up, couples, because these two are really in sync.

Gina: Yeah, we got a really good thing.

Kris: Yeah. This woman taught me how to trust.

Gina: Sometimes I lie awake praying that we die in the same moment.

[Dina presses the buzzer button]

Dina: [pointing at James] Now, why doesn’t he talk about me like that?

James: What did I do?

Dina: Don’t talk to me.

James: I don’t know what to tell ya’. Pairs of friends like this do really well on our show. In fact, let’s take a moment to give a shoutout to our previous winners this season. They’re Sam and Karen. [both women] Jan and Rebecca. [both women again] Kelly and Rone. [both women again] And Ellen and Portia. [both women again] Alright. Kris and Gina, since you’re in the lead, you’ll get to do the mini-sweep. Now, if you find the specially marked golden blue-berry, you’ll win $5000.

Gina: I got this and I got you, babe.

Kris: Thank you for today and all the days in the future and all the days that we have had forever together.

David Ruprecht: And go!

[Kris and Gina run towards the grocery section. Kris falls down because of her ankle problem.]

Kris: Ouch! Oh god! Oh, no. Oh, my ankles. You gotta go on without me.

Gina: No. I’m never leaving you again.

Kris: You will have to.

Gina: Oh, like hell I do.

David Ruprecht: 40 seconds on the clock.

Kris: Look at me, Gina. You are my world. And all the deaf donkeys we have raised from bottle call, you mother.

David Ruprecht: 20 seconds left, girls.

Gina: [pointing at David Ruprecht] Shut up.

Kris: Yes, you shut up. You shut the hell up and let me talk to my friend. [talking to Gina now] Now, I was gonna wait, but your mother to die before I did this. [Kris pulls out an engagement ring.]

Gina: Oh my god.

Kris: Gina, will you do me the honor of marrying us?

Gina: Yes. By the power vested in my by the store Vermont unitary, you may now kiss the friend.

Kris: Oh baby.

[Kris and Gina start making out on the floor]

David Ruprecht: Well, time’s up and you didn’t find the blueberries. But on the bright side, I’m thinking about asking one of you out. Well, thanks for watching, America. Goodnight.

Subway Pitch

Kenan Thompson

Chloe Fineman

Ego Nwodim

Rocky…John Krasinski

Dino… Beck Bennett

Brandon… Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with 5 members of Subway in a meeting]

Kenan: Alright guys. It’s time to talk about future of Subway. Let’s face it. We need a rebrant.

Chloe: Agreed. Our last successful promotion was the $5 footlong. It’s time to bring Subway into the 2020s.

Ego: Yes. It’s time for some new ideas.

Rocky: I’ll tell you what. I couldn’t agree more.

Dino: Yeah. We got a lots of new sandwich ideas for sandwiches.

Kenan: Well, Rocky and Dino, you’ve been Subway’s go-to idea guys for the past 30 years.

Rocky: Let me tell you, it has been honor of my life.

Dino: We’re very proud of our legacy.

Kenan: As are we. But maybe it’s time to get a fresh voice in the mix.

Ego: Jina, could you send Brandon in, please?

[Brandon walks in]

Brandon: Knock, knock. Hi. Very excited to be here.

Rocky: Oh. Who’s the hit guy?

Brandon: The name’s Brandon. Brandon Fudgeit, actually. Came over from Chipotle.

Rocky: Oh, burritos. Very interesting

Dino: Yeah. We don’t do burritos here. We do sandwiches kid.

Brandon: Well, I’m not a kid. I’m a man. And what does every man want? Protein. Lots of it. Look, Subway used to be the quick healthy option but bread is bad. So, picture this. Sandwiches without the bread.

Ego: Oh.

Chloe: Okay.

Brandon: Now, you can eat a bowl full of salami or bologna with a fork and a knife.

Ego: Okay, wow. This is exactly what we were looking for.

Dino: Hey, can I ask you something? You got braindamage?

Brandon: What? No. My brain is fine.

Rocky: So, this is like a fetish I don’t know about? Like, you get off by watching people eat a bowl of ham?

Dino: Oh! That’s gross.

Brandon: No. It’s not a fetish. The Subway Protein Bowl is what young people want. I’m sorry but you guys are out of touch.

Rocky: Hey! You have some respect, alright? You know who we are? Okay? We found Jared.

Dino: That’s right. We’re the Jared guys. You see, me and Rocky were more than just salesmen. We’re story tellers. We sold Subway by telling the story of Jared.

Rocky: Yeah. You don’t bring Subway into the 2020s with a bowl of salami, okay? You do it with a story.

Kenan: Okay. And how do you propose we do that?

Dino: We bring back Jared.

Rocky: Yes.

Kenan: No. Stop it. Rocy, Dino, stop trying to bring back Jared. We told you that can never happen. He’s a bad man.

Brandon: Look, Mr. Rocky, Mr. Dino, I’m not trying to disrespect all that you guys have done for Subway. I mean, I love the $5 footlong jingle.

Rocky: Yeah, that wasn’t us.

Dino: Yeah, that was someone else. We pitched a different version.

Rocky and Dino: [singing] Subway’s a sandwich restaurant
we’re known for Jared
so if you want a sandwich
then Subway is an option
if you have $5
then you can buy a sandwich
but it won’t get you cookies

Kenan: Enough! Rocky, Dino, let Mr. Fudgeit finish.

Dino: So, with all due respect if you sell these bologna, I’m gonna kill myself.

Rocky: Me too, boss.

Kenan: Jesus, guys. You can’t say that at work. I’m gonna have to let you both go for that.

Dino: Oh, you’re gonna fire us for threatening to kill ourselves?

Rocky: Well, now we’re definitely gonna kill ourselves.

Dino: Yeah.

Kenan: Okay, fine. You’re not fired.

Dino: Oh, we’re not fired because we’re important to the team? Or because we said we were going blow our brains out?

Ego: It’s because you threatened suicide yes.

Rocky: Good. Glad to know that that works.

Dino: Okay. Work back. Welcome to the team, kid.

Ratatouille

Chloe Fineman

John Krasinski

Rattitue… Kyle Mooney

Bugatue… Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

[Starts with a man and a woman on a bed]

Chloe: Wow. That was incredible.

John: Yeah?

Chloe: I gotta be honest, my expectations were really low considering you insisted on wearing your top hat the whole time. But seriouly, that was amazing.

John: Oh, thanks.

Chloe: What’s your secret?

John: Look, I’ll tell you. But just promise you won’t freak out.

Chloe: I promise.

John: Okay. Well, you know how I said I studied abroad in Paris? I met someone there. You know what? Maybe it’s better if I just dhow you.

[John opens his hat. There’s a rat on his head. The rat is wearing a chef hat.]

Rattitue: Hi. My name is Rattitue.

John: He’s the one who controls me while we’re having sex.

Chloe: I don’t understand.

Rattitue: I can explain. You see, once upon a time, I learned to be a famous chef by studying a cookbook from cover to cover. Then one day, I discovered an even better book called Hustler Magazine.

John: So, what do you think?

Chloe: Well, it’s unusual.

John: You’re telling us.

Rattitue: Yeah.

Chloe: Well, I guess it’s not that weird and the important thing I that now I know the truth.

John: Yeah. Now, you know everything.

Rattitue: Well, not everything.

John: What do you mean, Rattitue?

Rattitue: Well, there is no easy way of saying this. So, I might just as well show you.

[Rattitue opens his chef hat. There’s a bug on his head.]

Bugatue: Hey, I’m Bugatue. You know where a veteran can get a massage around here?

John: I’m sorry. What do you do exactly?

Bugatue: Oh. I do something very simple and very important. I can look ta a disc and immediately identify if it’s a DVD, blu ray or a PS2 game.

John: And how often does that happen?

Bugatue: You’d be surprised. Never.

John: Oh. Looks like we don’t need you anymore.

[John flicks the bug away]

Bugatue: Oh, flicked again. That’s a bug’s life.

John: [to Chloe] So, do you still love me?

Chloe: Just promise me one thing. Never lose that rat.

John: Deal. Hey, Rattitue, start yanking.

Rattitue: Ah, hell yeah! Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Pete. He has a typewriter in front of him.]

Pete: In all my years as a sex critic, I have never seen such enthusiasm in the bedroom. As I watched my neighbors have sex through a telescope, it rocked me to my core. I give them two thumbs up. And as for me, I’m headed down to the subway with a bag full of shredded mozzarella to lure and capture my very own sex rat.

Pandemic Game Night

Keith… John Krasinski

Goldie… Cecily Strong

Angela… Aidy Bryant

Kyle Mooney

Heidi Gardner

Brad… Beck Bennett

FBI agents… Mikey Day, Punkie Johnson

[Starts with six adults in a house having a fun night.]

Keith: Alright. This meeting of the Warren Street covid bubble is now on session.

Goldie: Ah! I am so grateful we get to to this once a week. If I didn’t have this bubble, I would go insane.

Angela: Oh, yes. You have to have a pod that you can trust.

Kyle: Amen!

Keith: Alright. Who’s ready to play pioneer’s, a mountain pass?

Heidi: You know I am. I’ll be shopkeep.

Keith: Alright. Well, I guess I’ll be mayor’s daughter again.

Brad: [standing] Uh… I think I hear a pizza man at the door. Excuse me, uh… that will be… uh… I’ll be going to get the pizza, fellow forgers. I don’t know.

Keith: You know we’ll save you for the game, Brad.

[Brad opens the door. There’s an FBI agent.]

7: Brad Dobbit, you’re under arrest for storming the Capitol.

Brad: Yes, I am. You got me.

Heidi: What? Brad? You stormed the Capitol?

Brad: I’m sorry, everyone. I wasn’t in the bathroom that day. I was out at DC stopping the steal with my boys.

Goldie: Oh my god, Brad! Why on earth would you do that?

Brad: Because I care about our nation and its constitution. So, I wet jelly on a statue and put Pelosi’s phone on my pants.

Kyle: So, that’s what you did?

Brad: What else was I supposed to do? The guy I wanted to win didn’t win.

7: Alright. Let’s go.

Brad: Well, let me grab my coat first.

Angela: My god. I can’t believe this. I mean, is this really happening?

[Brad wears his fur coat and horns cap]

Brad: Tell my story.

7: Alright.

[7 grabs Brad by his hand]

Brad: Ouch! My hand!

Kyle: Oh my god! Did any of you know about this?

Heidi: No. I mean it’s Brad. Sweet, angry Brad.

Angela: Wow, I am floored. You think you know someone and then this happens.

Keith: I know. Well, let’s start the game. Shall we?

[door bell ringing]

Angela: Yes. Oh, well. I bet that’s the pizza.

Keith: Alright, but hop to it Angela because we got a lot of pioneering to get through.

Angela: Okay. Quit reminding us.

[Angela opens the door. There’s a female FBI agent.]

8: Angela Barnes, you’re under arrest.

Angela: Okay, I know that.

Kyle: Angela?

Goldie: Not sweet, racist Angela?

Angela: It’s true. I’m a patriot unlike this bubble of cucks.

Kyle: You’re gonna go to jail!

Angela: Ah! It was worth it. I had sex with Chuck Norris. At least he told me he was Chuck Norris. He kept saying, “You still think I’m Chuck Norris, right?”

8: Okay. We’re taking you in.

Angela: Well, let me just get my stuff, please. Okay. [Angela wears her Uncle Jam American flag hat with white beard] Now, Uncle Jam says don’t trade on this.

[7 pulls Angela out of the door]

Kyle: Is anybody else freaked out that two of our friends just got arrested?

[door bell ringing. Keith stands to answer the door.]

Oh no. Not you too!

Keith: Dude, you know me better than that. Okay?

[Keith opens the door. A guy wearing pizza delivery outfit is there.]

It’s just a pizza guy.

9: Or is it? [he opens his fake outfit. He is also an FBI.]

Keith: Dammit!

7: Are you Keith Renault?

Keith: Yes. Or Q-daddy on Facebook, marketl.

7: [looking at Goldie] Are you Goldie Flemming?

Goldie: I am. And I want my phone call.

7: That happens later, ma’am.

Heidi: Oh my god! Not crazy Goldie and dishonorably discharged Keith!

Keith: Alright. How did you find us?

Goldie: Was it our post on Instagram?

Keith: Or was it out check-in on Facebook?

Goldie: Or when I Venmoed him $10 to kick Pence’s ass?

Keith: Wait, did the hardware store tell you what I bougth?

7: We found this.

[7 pulls out a photo of them when they were there]

Goldie: Oh, yes. Then yes, guilty as charged. May I grab my cape that celebrates my southern heritage?

7: No.

Keith: May I quickly put on some face paint?

7: No!

Goldie: Oh! And this is the America you want to live in? I ask you

[Keith pulls out a podium and carried it with him]

Keith: Good day, all!

[7 takes them with him]

Kyle: I don’t get it. I mean one of them was my wife.

Heidi: I know.

Kyle: You just don’t know anyone anymore. Do I even know you?

Heidi: No. You are under arrest. [Heidi shows Kyle her FBI card.]

Kyle: Okay. Can I grab my crossbow please?

Heidi: No.

[Heidi starts pushing Kyle to the door]

Kyle: [screaming] But I’m a state senator!