Category: 2021

Weekend Update Bidens Stimulus Plan

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

President Biden said Friday that he will move ahead with his $1.9 trillion stimulus plan with or without republican support because this economy needs a massage and Joe Biden isn’t waiting for permission.

An interview with Biden will air before tomorrow’s Super Bowl between the Bucks and the Chiefs. Incidentally, Buck and Chief are also what Biden calls his friends when he forgets their names.

[picture changes to Mitch McConnell]

Mitch McConnell seen here ignoring a toddler who fell through the ice criticized GOP representative and conspiracy huffer Marjorie Taylor Greene saying that her loony lies and conspiracy theories at a cancer for the republican party. But keep in mind, Greene believes cancer is a bio weapon created in a secret Jewish lab.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Marjorie Taylor Greene at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Marjorie Taylor Greene who looks like the mugshot of a former child star has supported conspiracy theories about 9/11, school shootings, deep state and Jewish people. Ah! I get it lady. You’re my type. I’m kidding. Anybody who believes those crazy conspiracies has to be as blind as Stevie Wonder is pretending to be.

Greene apologized for her previous remarks saying 9/11 absolutely happen. So, to honor that day, Greene plans to hijack and crash the republican party.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Marjorie Taylor Greene at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Representative Greene then apologized for her extensive conspiracy theory saying “Nobody’s perfect.” Yeah, I don’t think ‘perfect’ is the standard we were holding you to. We were just settled for ‘not violently insane’. “Nobody’s perfect” is a cute little phrase you say when you accidentally mess up a lunch order. It doesn’t really apply when you accuse kids of faking a mass shooting. It’s a same reason “Did I do that?” was Urkle’s catch phrase and not OJ’s.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of SMARTMATIC and FOX NEWS logos at right top corner.]

Michael Che: FOX News is being sued by SMARTMATIC votin machines for $2.7 billion for false reporting. If they lose, FOX will use money from their sexual harassment settlement jar.

[picture changes to people rioting at the Capitol]

A new report shows that a number of people storming to Capitol didn’t actually vote in the election. Huh? So, maybe they weren’t the savvy political geniuses we all thought they were.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Former social media influencer Donald Trump, he will not testify at his impeachment trial next week. And I think I speak for all of us when I say – Come on. Please! Give us one last show, man. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Put in your extensions and burst into that trial like it’s Maury Povich and you are not the father. Come on. Think about it. You can yell out all the Tweets you haven’t been allowed to post for the past month. Like, “Worst inauguration ever #PoemBarelyRhymed”, or “No noms for Tim Allen? #GlobesTooBlack”.

Sadly, Trump is not going to be doing that. But he will be defended at the trial by the lawyers who refused to prosecute Bill Cosby and who agreed to represent Jeffery Epstein before his death. Which raises the question, what does Trump think he is being impeached for?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jeff Bezos at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Jeff Bezos announced that he is stepping down as CEO of Amazon later this year. “I just like to finally spend some time with my family”, said Amazon workers.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mike Lindell at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: My Pillow CEO Mike Lindell say three hour movie which he claims will 100% show that China and other countries stole the election from Donald Trump. Even worse, Lindell plays the part of Xi Jinping.

Wedding Friends

Priest… Alex Moffat

Mother… Punkie Johnson

Dan Levy

Kate McKinnon

Carey… Ego Nwodim.

Mark… Mikey Day

[Starts with a couple getting their wedding ceremony done.]

Priest: With a solid foundation, you’ve decided to take the oath of marriage. Mark, Carrey, let us celebrate your joys. You begin your lives together. Now, for the family blessing, who gives this bride today?

Mother: [sobbing with happiness] I do.

Priest: Wonderful. If anyone has cause to object to the forming of this union or forever hold your peace.

[Dan and Kate stand]

Dan: Carey!

Kate: Carey!

Dan: Carey, we just wanted to take this opportunity to say you’re amazing.

Kate: Um-hmm. Carey, you’re such a rockstar.

Dan: And that’s it.

Carey: Wait, wait. I’m sorry. What?

Mark: Yeah. What was that?

Dan: Oh my god.

Kate: Oh, I’m sorry. Nothing.

Dan: We just wanted to make sure you knew right now that you are one of the best people.

Kate: Yep. And you deserve also the best.

Carey: Okay. Is this an objection?

Dan and Kate: No. No.

Dan: Nothing about him.

Kate: No.

Dan: Just sort of like, Mark is great. And he’s great.

Kate: Um-hmm. It’s just like– Well, Mark wise, it’s sort of like– No, he’s good. He’s good.

Mark: Mark wise what?

Carey: Yeah. I’m really not sure what you’re saying.

[Dan and Kate looking at each other]

Dan: What are we saying?

Kate: Yeah. What are we saying? We just wanted to ask I guess if there was anything that you wanted to talk to us about.

Dan: Yeah. Are you good?

Carey: Yeah. This is my wedding.

Dan: Okay.

Kate: Go.

Dan: Lock it down.

Kate: Yeah, you better get that.

Carey: Okay. Thank you guys.

Kate: And a random question.

Dan: So random.

Kate: Does your– Does your mom like him?

Carey: What? I mean, I think so. I mean, she’s right there.

Mother: Umm, young woman’s wedding day, it’s all about her and her thoughts and not what her mother doesn’t like.

Carey: Mom, come on.

Mark: I’m sorry. Do I suck somehow?

Carey: Okay. You know, whatever this is, why are you all just bringing it up now?

Dan: You know what? You’re right. We should have done this last night but we got like, really, really scary drunk at the rehearsal dinner.

Kate: When I don’t drink wine, I drink faster.

Mark: Yeah. You guys shoved my dad.

Carey: Okay. Let’s just get this over with. Do you not like Mark?

Dan and Kate: [squeaky voice] No.

Carey: Do you think that I should be with someone different?

Dan and Kate: [squeaky voice] No.

Carey: Do you think I’m settling?

Dan and Kate: [squeaky voice] Y– No.

Carey: Am I making the biggest mistake of my life?

Dan and Kate: [squeaky voice] Y– No.

Carey: Okay. Well, I’m gonna get married now.

Dan: Thank god!

Carey: So, we’re gonna do the vows.

Dan: Begging for it.

Priest: Wonderful. Mark and Carey have decided to write their own vows. Mark, would you like to start?

Mark: Yes. Carey, first watched F.R.I.E.N.D.S. together.

[texting sound]

Carey: [looking at Dan and Kate] Okay, I know you are texting each other about this and I know you know how to turn that sound off.

Dan: Oh, so sorry.

Kate: Sorry, we’re good.

Mark: I knew you were my lobster. [texting sound] You’re my person. [texting sound] As my personal hero, Meredyth Grey says– [texting sound] [looking at Dan and Kate] Okay, that’s really loud.

Dan: [whispering to Kate] Meredyth, Grey’s Anatomy’s fan? What a regret.

Kate: No. I just sent that to you.

Mark: Okay, guys. Stop. Okay, look, I know you don’t like me. Carey is amazing and yes, she’s probably too good for me. But at least I tell her how I feel and I say what I mean. And maybe that’s what she likes about me. You guys talk in mean little riddles.

Dan: Okay. Rail me, daddy.

Kate: Okay. I’m actually now fully horny and I’m going to try to cheat on you with me. Okay?

Mark: I don’t care what you two think.

Dan and Kate: [blushing] Mark!

Dan: Mark is hot.

Kate: Mark is hot. Oh my god.

Dan: Congratulations you guys. We love this now.

Kate: Yay!

Universal Tram

Jeremy… Mikey Day

Dana… Ego Nwodim

Tobey… Dan Levy

Gru… Bowen Yang

Kenan Thompson

Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with 1 guiding the guests during the tour.]

Jeremy: Welcome to the Universal Studios Tram Tour, back in action after eight prolonged absence. My name is Jeremy and behind the wheel is Dana. And even though she loves the film, she promises she won’t drive too Fast and Furious today. Right Dana?

Dana: Don’t involve me.

Jeremy: Alright. Fun! Helping me out today is a tour guide in training. Come on up here, Tobey. Say hi.

Tobey: Okay. Actually is Thlobby, pronounced with T-H. And I’m sorry I’m a little jittery. I’ve been here since 6 AM and I was waiting. So, I’m drinking coffee and I never drink coffee. So, it’s just kind of like, “Wad up?” You know? Okay, I’ll stop talking. But I think I like coffee now.

Jeremy: Alright. Let’s get started.

Kenan: Wow! Yeah! Let’s see some movie props.

Jeremy: Alright. Glad you’re excited sir. Alright folks, if you’re not looking at the left side of the tram, please yaba-daba-do so because you’ll see the car from 1993’s, “The Flinstones”. Tobey, take it away.

Tobey: Ha-ha. Great Scot. To your right is one of seven deloreans used in “Back To The Future” franchise which, oh my god– Okay, I read the craziest fan theory about that movie. So like, why does this teenager hang out with his old inventor guy? So, the theory was the doc basically like, groomed Marty to like… molest him?

Jeremy: No.

Tobey: But then the doc regretted it, so the reason that he built the machine was to go back in time to prevent himself from [whispering] molesting Marty. Sorry. I probably shouldn’t have said it but I don’t see any kids on this tram.

Jeremy: Okay. Well, I do see kids.

Dana: That theory makes sense though. Dark as hell but it makes sense.

Jeremy: Okay. Let’s move away from that topic please. Alright. And look to your left side, my right. If those bikes look familiar, it’s because they played a key role in getting ET back.

Tobey: Ha-ha. Okay. ET looks like a ball sack came to life. Change my mind.

Jeremy: Hey, Tobey. Family park, family language.

Tobey: I am so sorry. I’m just nervous and I had never drank coffee.

Jeremy: Okay, Tobey, put the coffee down for a bit and take us through this next section.

Tobey: Oh. Welcome to Jurassic Park. Both sides of the tram are props and vehicles from all of the Jurassic films. Okay, wait, wait. What is that old joke? What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lick-a-lotopus.

Jeremy: Okay, we don’t make jokes like that here.

Dana: Ha-ha. I get it. That’s good. Smart too.

Kenan: Um, I don’t get it. Could you explain?

Jeremy: We’re not going to explain that. Alright? But the Jeep too in my right, your left, is where Dennis Nedry squared off with a spitters, dinosaur’s deadly poison. Played by Wayne Knight, best known as Seinfeld’s Newman–

Tobey: Oh my god. Okay. So, that guy, I can’t believe I’m telling you this but what have I got to lose? Newman from Seinfeld is my softner. Okay? If I’m ever getting aroused down there at the wrong time, like at the gym or something, I think of that guy to like, soften things up. I’ll just be on the elliptical going “Newman from Seinfield, Newman from Seinfield”. Ha-ha. Let’s now put it up to the tram. What do you think? What are your softners?

Kenan: Um, Dobby the elf from Harry Potter. Nasty.

Jeremy: Okay. Thank you sir, but we’re not gonna do that.

Dana: Mine is Mr. Bean, goofy dudes don’t get a slick for me.

Tobey: I know, right?

Jeremy: Guys, please, alright? At this time, how about I welcome any groups joining us today. Hello and apologies to the Sun Coast church Christian Youth Fellowship.

Andrew: Do I have to say my softner?

Jeremy: No, no, you do not young man. Oh-oh. Guys, it looks like someone despicable is approaching the tram. Oh, it’s Gru from Despicable Me/Minions franchise.

Gru: It smells like tourist in here.

[Tobey looking at Gru]

Tobey: Dylan? He used to be my best friend. But you want to talk about the despicable, he got into coke and ditched me for all of his shady coke-head friends.

Gru: Ha-ha. What? No.

Tobey: Stop doing that, Dylan. You’re going to die.

Gru: Okay, bye. Enjoy the park.

Jeremy: Okay. Tobey, really need you to stay on the script, okay? Now folks, we’re heading to the Skull Island, home of King Kong.

Tobey: Okay. I cannot hear King Kong without thinking of the night I lost my virginity. It is the craziest story.

Jeremy: Okay. Give me your mic.

Tobey: Why?

Jeremy: Okay. Give me your mic.

Keman: Let the man talk.

 

Super Bowl Pregame Show Cold Open

James Brown… Kenan Thompson

Boomer Esiason… Beck Bennett

Bill Cowher… Alex Moffat

Nate Burleson… Chris Redd

Phil Simms… Mikey Day

Andy Reid, Bruce Arians. … Aidy Bryant

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: You’re watching the Super Bowl 55 pregame show on CBS.

[Cut to James Brown in his set.]

James Brown: Hello and welcome to the Super Bowl, four hours of television for 11 minutes of action. I am James “no, not that one” Brown. And joining me as always are Boomer Esiason.

Boomer Esiason: Excited to be here.

James Brown: Coach Bill Cowher..

Bill Cowher: Hey!

James Brown: Former wide out, Nate Burleson.

Nate Burleson: Okay.

James Brown: And the great, Phil Simms.

Phil Simms: Do we need this many hosts?

James Brown: As everyone at home knows this year has been anything but normal. The pandemic, racial and political divisions, army hammer. But today, we come together in a spirit of unity to watch football. And murdered billions of chickens for their delicious wings.

Boomer Esiason: [eating chicken at the set] I’ll wing to that. Ha-ha-ha.

James Brown: Right. That is right. The league also dealt with so many covid restrictions this year but with hard work and vigilance, we were able to get through the season with only 700 cases. Hurray us! But again, today is all about positivity.

Bill Cowher: Well, except in terms of test results, the NFL is incredibly careful. If you test positive, they will ask you to cover your mouth with a play chart.

Nate Burleson: And you know who stood in the covid restrictions more than anyone this week is Tampa Bay’s famous prostitutes.

Phil Simms: Dude?

James Brown: Today again, is about inclusivity and we’re offering a variety of viewing experiences. Earlier we showed highlights with a new Nickelodeon twist. [Cut to football game. There’s a lot of visual effects of green gooey liquid being sprayed at the players.] Including a few gruesome injuries. [cut to a player bleeding green.]

[cut back to the host set]

Phil Simms: The game is also being simulcast on the Bravo network where it’s hosted by Andy Coen and instead of the Super Bowl, [cut to Bravo channel’s display of Tom Brady and Patrick Mahomes] it’s called “Old Hag versus Young Slut.”

[cut back to the host set]

Nate Burleson: That’s right. That’s right. And if the Puppy Bowl isn’t your thing, flip over to the Hallmark channel for the original movie “The Woman Who Married Her Cat.”

Boomer Esiason: And this is interesting. The cat turns out to be Santa’s son.

Bill Cowher: Wow. Very cool, Boom. Now, this year, we want all viewers to feel welcome, appreciated and seen.

Phil Simms: And to reflect the importance of this moment in history you’ll see in passion commercials, this one almost brought me to tears.

[cut to an old video clips of black people’s achievements.]

Female voice: In these times, what you stand for matters more than ever. We’ve learned once again that freedom isn’t free. But we must always strive for equality. And we must always reach for [cut to Cheeze-Its commercial] Cheeze-Its. Cheeze-It’s, historically delicious. Cheeze-Its, historically delicious.

[cut back to the host set]

Phil Simms: Wow, truly inspiring.

Nate Burleson: What the hell?

James Brown: That was a commercial for Cheeze-Its?

Boomer Esiason: Really makes you think.

Bill Cowher: Right bro. But look, don’t worry. Hah! To balance off the so called ‘progressive ads’, we’re also airing some with the more conservative ads like this one.

[cut to the ad. A pizza delivery buy is ringing the door bell.]

Male voice: At Papa John’s, we know you want real ingredient. No additives, no preservatives and no child sex trafficking in the basement. Sorry democrats, you’ll have to get your child sex pizza over at Hillary’s Pizzeria. Papa John’s. It’s A-OK. Stop by with your Q-Pon today.

[cut back to the host set]

James Brown: Wait! That’s a pizza ad?

Boomer Esiason: Really makes you think.

Phil Simms: But some of the most prominent advertisers are skipping out this year and are instead directing out the money and attention to the ongoing vaccine effort.

James Brown: That’s right. Take a look at how Budweiser adapted this classic Super Bowl ad to help inform the public.

[cut to the ad. The horses are playing football, but there’s a syringe placed on the football. The syringe flies and needles an elderly lady.]

Male voice: It’s good! Better get the second dose of cold, refreshing Bud-light.

[cut back to the host set]

Phil Simms: Okay, I think that could be misleading.

Bill Cowher: Yeah. But remember, there’s another side to everything and anti-vaxxers drink beer too, that’s why Budweiser also released this ad.

[cut to the ad. There are two frogs talking.]

Frog: Don’t trust Pfizer.

[cut back to the host set]

Phil Simms: Well, I guess it’s nice to hear both sides of the issue via frogs.

Boomer Esiason: I love frogs. They’re like turtles without shells.

James Brown: And speaking of both sides, let’s talk to both of these incredible coaches about how they’re preparing for big game. Joining us first is chief’s coach, Andy Reid.

Andy Reid: Hey there, Jim. Appreciate you have me.

James Brown: Alright coach, how do you win this game?

Andy Reid: Well, we’re going to pass it and then we’re going to run it, and when they have the ball, we’re going to stop it.

Bill Cowher: Thanks so much for that coach Reid. Fascinating stuff.

James Brown: And now, let’s check in on the other side line with Tampa based coach, Bruce Arians.

Bruce Arians: Hey there, guys. Thanks for having me.

James Brown: Yes. You just heard coach Reid’s plan. How do you match up against that?

Bruce Arians: Well, we’re going to run it first, then pass it, and then when they have the ball, we’re going to try to take the ball back.

James Brown: Phenomenal insight. I’m glad we checked in

Nate Burleson: Oh, but I want to hear what coach Reid thought about what Arians just said.

Andy Reid: You do?

Nate Burleson: Yeah.

Andy Reid: Okay. Well then, just ask real slow.

Nate Burleson: Hey coach Reid, what do you think about what coach Arians just said?

Andy Reid: Great. Really good.

James Brown: Alright. Well, thanks to both coaches. Guys, final predictions for what we’re going to see today.

Bill Cowher: Okay, JB, I predict that at the end of the game covid will address the Florida crowd and thank them for an incredible opportunity.

Nate Burleson: I predict that Cardi B will do a disturbing  commercial called “Wet Ass Pepsi”

Phil Simms: Well, last year, Planters killed off Mr. Peanut. This year, I predict that Kia Hamsters do a murder suicide.

Boomer Esiason: And I predict that the green M&M will finally go full porn.

James Brown: Well, sounds like we got a lot to look forward to. Happy Super Bowl everybody. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Super Bowl Pod

Heidi Gardner

Shel… Kyle Mooney

Brandon… Dan Levy

Dale… Beck Bennett

Chris Redd

Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

PSY… Bowen Yang

[Starts with five friends getting ready to watch football in home. They’re all wearing masks.]

Heidi: It’s so good to see everyone.

Shel: I can’t believe we’re having a Super Bowl party.

Brandon: I know. Is this okay? Like, should we be doing this?

Dale: Well, I’ve been super safe.

Chris: Same here.

Shel: Me too.

Dale: So then, masks off?

[they all take their masks off]

Brandon: God, I feel so free.

Shel: We’ve all been so good. We deserve this.

Dale: Totally. We have. And full disclosure, not a big deal, Angie and I went to PF chains for her birthday. We ate outdoors. Relax.

Shel: That’s cool.

Brandon: You’re fine.

Chris: Man, I’ve been crazy with this covid stuff. I haven’t left my house at all. I mean, I have been to the grocery store and the laundromat.

Brandon: Yeah, of course. Food, clothes.

Chris: And obviously I’m still doing my wrestling club, so…

Dale: Yeah. But that’s just a group of what? 20-30 really nice guys?

Shel: Wrestling a few nights guys, dude, you’re good.

Heidi: Yeah. I mean, we’re doing everything right.

Dale: Exactly. I haven’t hung out with anyone outside of my pod in almost a year.

Brandon: Oh my gosh, I feel you. I’m on quarantine burnout.

Dale: Yeah. It’s just me, my wife, my brother… his wife, obviously their neighbor, his brother, my grandparents and their nursing home. Oh, and I go into work.

Brandon: Sorry. What is it that you do again?

Dale: I’m a mouth masseuse. I massage mouths.

Shel: Oh, that’s fine. I mean, you’re not kissing them, right?

Dale: Just hello and goodbye. And sometimes while I massage them.

Brandon: Yeah, but that’s work. We are doing everything right.

Heidi: Yeah. I don’t understand how people are still getting sick.

Chris: Well see, the problem is they’re going out and doing normal activities like seeing friends and stuff.

All: So stupid.

Brandon: So disgusting. What about you, Shel? Single guy over there? You look lonely and depressed.

Shel: Absolutely. Of course, now it’s all about zoom dating. For me, it’s just too awkward. So, I’ve been having raw dog sex with the strangers in the park.

Heidi: Outside with air, you’re fine.

Brandon: Yeah. For me, it’s just been Netflix, Netflix and more Netflix.

Chris: What have you been watching?

Brandon: Oh, no. For meetings, I’m flying all over LA, London, Brazil.

Shel: Well, you got the vaccine, didn’t you?

Brandon: Oh, yeah. Actually, I’ve got it. I’ve got it right here. [showing the vaccine in it’s small container]

Heidi: Are you gonna take it?

Brandon: Yeah. I mean, I take it everywhere I go.

Shel: Great thinking, Brandon.

Chris: Hey, we’re doing everything right.

Dale: Who’s hungry for my famous chilly? [everybody get excited] Because of covid, I don’t want to share utensils.

Brandon: Totally. Let’s be smart. Actually, I have some– Let’s just do this.

[Brandon sprays sanitizer on everyone’s hands. Then they all start eating with their hands sharing the food bowl.]

Heidi: Oh, look who became a chef. Yeah. I went viral on TikTok.

Chris: What? For dancing?

Heidi: No. For fit non-pudding.

Dale: Oh, TikTok. All the little videos.

Heidi: Dale. Did you spice this chilly?

Dale: Yeah, of course. It’s my famous chilly.

Heidi: Because I can’t really taste it.

Brandon: I can’t really smell it either.

Chris: Do you guys think that–

Shel: No. Dude, we’ve been doing everything right.

Heidi: We need a hug.

All: Yeah.

Dale: Hey, remember hug?

[they all hug each other.]

[the lights turn dark. Anthony Fauci walks in front of them at the spot light.]

Anthony Fauci: Hi, I’m Dr. Fauci. Right now you’re probably feeling like most Americans. Bored, horny and borderline nuts. I know I am. But what you just saw is the wrong way to Super Bowl. That’s why I partnered with Cheetos and durex condoms to remind you to Super Bowl responsibly. At home, in a mask, lights off, no friends.  #ThisIsHowWeSuperBowl. [PSY walks in] And to help spread my messages, my good friend Kpop superstar PSY.

PSY: Covid Super Bowl

[starts singing like his song “Gangnam Style]

Co-co-co-co-covid Super Bowl

Mens Cosmetics

[Starts with video clips of a man working out]

Male voice: You’re a man and you’ve got skin, lots of it. Make it work for you with a line of revolutionary skin ammo from Man Stain. Formulated just for the guys, Man Stain helps you look your best.

Dan Levy: I’m sorry. What is Man Stain?

Male voice: It levels up your mug for peak appearance performance.

Dan Levy: So, it’s make up?

Male voice: Nah, dude. Make up’s for girls. Man Stain’s just for the guys. [Alex opens what looks like a can of soda. Then he pours some of it on his hand and starts applying it on his face.] Annihilate redness, vanquish vine lines and [bleep] block impurities. With Man Stain double IPA tinted dude fluid.

Dan Levy: Okay. You’re using very violent language to describe it but yes, see? It’s base. It has a tint.

Male voice: Wanna look like you just came from a real nut busting workout at the gym?Then you need Man Stain’s x-ertion nice and rust booster.

[Alex is wearing a make up using what looks like a brush on a tip of a gun.]

Dan Levy: Okay. That is blush in a gun. Is that what you want it to be?

Male voice: You’re down but you’re not out, you big ass [bleep].

Dan Levy: It’s okay to want to look nice.

Male voice: So, sag up and try the whole damn line. Man Stain Manscara for maximum alertness. Mouth grease for a glossy manly pout. And meat lover’s guyshadow eye dirt pizza compact.

Dan Levy: Sells like pepperoni but it is still makeup.

Male voice: You’re a man, god dammit. You might as well look like one. And if you got a problem with that, you can go straight to hell.

Dan Levy: You guys look good.

Male voice: Man Stain, from the makers of Nutrisystem for men. It’s not a diet, coz that’s what girls do.

Dan Levy: And is this beauty blender a football?

Male voice: Hell, yeah.

Dan Levy: Why?

It Gets Better

Matt Lee…Bowen Yang

Tayor Bard…Dan Levy

Miranda Rivers… Kate McKinnon

Jemima Cullen…Punkie Johnson

[Starts with several “It Gets Better” videos]

Female voice: In 2011, the “It Gets Better” project worked to show LGBTQ plus youth, the amazing heights their lives would reach.

Matt Lee: Every time I was picked on, I just reminded myself it gets better.

Miranda Rivers: There is hope.

Female voice: On the 10th anniversary of “It Gets Better”, we asked previous youth participants to share how their lives have changed for the better.

Matt Lee: It gets better.

Miranda Rivers: It does truly get better. And then someti– Within that better is– There are some things that are like, less better.

Jemima Cullen: Oh, yeah. Yeah. I think so. It get better. Sometimes…

Matt Lee: After high school, I really learned to love myself. I finally stopped getting bullied … by straight people. But I pretty much immediately started getting tormented by gay people for my taste in music. I think it’s why.

Tayor Bard: I men, I don’t get bullied by kids anymore because I’m a very successful man in my 30s. You know what feels very similar to being shoved in a locker though? Income tax. I know that’s not exactly what you guys do but I’m just saying like, stuff about taxes would have been extremely helpful.

Miranda Rivers: My dream was always to have a family. But I never thought that was possible. Now I have two beautiful kids and they’re smart and they’re amazing and they asked me for an iguana. And I got them that iguana. And that iguana outgrew six tanks and has ruined my floor with it’s urine and has taken over my life. Now there is an evil dinosaur living my house. So, that part is not better.

Jemima Cullen: At this point, I thought I would be embraced by a big community of people who were like me. But I only have one friend. and she is my girlfriend. And she don’t even like me that much.

Tayor Bard: It was so amazing when gay marriage was legalized. Unfortunately, that was also when they legalized gay divorce. Just because you can legally get married doesn’t mean you should.

Bown: It’s scarier when people are mean because they are so organized. Tweeted one vague opinion about Chromatica and I had to move. Not just apartments. Like, cities.

Miranda Rivers: I actually never even worry about being gay anymore. I only worry about the iguana. The first thing I think about when I wake up is the iguana. And the last thing I think about when I go to sleep is the iguana. It figured out door knob.

Matt Lee: It’s way better than before. I’m fully accepted by my entire family. But I don’t like most of them.

Miranda Rivers: It means so much that I have the right to visit my wife in the hospital. It just sucks that she’s in the hospital because she was mauled in the face by the iguana.

Matt Lee: I can tell the youth of 2021 one thing. [showing his picture from 10 years back] It got better for him. Be yourself. Just don’t say that you do or don’t like some songs.

Jemima Cullen: [showing her picture from 10 years back] Her advice, don’t wear basketball shorts because when you’re out with your girl, people are going to think you’re the one who fights.

Tayor Bard: [showing his picture from 10 years back] It definitely got better for this guy. So much better that he got to have problems previously only available to straight people. And that is progress.

Miranda Rivers: [showing his picture from 10 years back] She wouldn’t trade any of it for the world. Well, she would trade one thing.

Matt Lee: It gets better.

Tayor Bard: It gets better.

Jemima Cullen: It gets better.

Miranda Rivers: It gets so much be– [the iguana is sitting beside her. She gets scared.]

Female voice: It gets better… and it gets other stuff too.

Hot Damn

Beck Bennett

Dan Levy

Cecily Strong

Ego Nwodim

Kenan Thompson

Alex Moffat

[Starts with people walking out of a restaurant]

Beck: Are you serious? It’s the super bowl and your TV is broken?

Waiter: Yeah. I just got off with the owner. He’s coming down with another flat screen right now.

Waitress: I told Lee to buy a new TV.

Ego: How long is it gonna be? I have 500 bucks on this game.

Waitress: Guys, it’ll be back on before the second half.

Kenan: So what? We’re gonna be sitting here in silence until he shows up with a new TV?

Waitress: Well, I mean we could, I don’t know–

Waiter: I guess we could sing football songs.

Waitress: Oh. That’s a cute idea. We can sing football songs.

Waiter: Yeah. Everyone loves football songs.

Beck: What are football songs? Give me an example.

Waiter: Well, “Hot Damn” is one.

Alex: “Hot Damn” is one what?

Waitress: A football song. They played every Super Bowl. You will know it.

Ego: Wait, are you thinking of [humming] da-da-da-da-da?

Waiter: No. I’m not thinking about that. Why would I be thinking about that one? I said I was thinking of “Hot Damn”.

Beck: Well, I have never heard of it.

Waitress: Yeah. You have though. It goes something like00

[singing] Hot damn, I want to score the winning goal
Waiter: You will, you will put through the football hole

Waiter and Waitress: It’s a foot, it’s a ball, we just won,
Oh my god, hot damn!

Kenan: Okay.

Waiter: So, you do remember?

Kenan: No. I do not. I remember what you just did. And I will remember that for a while. But I do not remember it as a song.

Ego: And what is a football hole?

Waitress: I don’t know. It’s a song.

Waiter: I’m sorry if we’re not entertaining you enough.

Waitress: Yeah. I guess we could all just look at porn on our phones.

[Alex is reaching out for his phone.]

Beck: No, sorry. You’re right. [Alex stops himself] It was good.

Waitress: Well, that’s not even the whole thing.

Waiter: I know. It’s like, a fraction of a larger song.

Ego: Got it.

Waitress: I mean, if you’re literally begging us to sing it–

Alex: Uh, we’re not.

Waitress: Hot damn, you’re a chief and I’m a buc

Waiter: Not friends, but I don’t really give a… what?

Waiter and Waitress: So we run and we buc and we kiss and we love hot damn

Ego: Okay. You’re wearing dance shorts.

Waitress: Yeah. Well, it’s a sports bar.

Kenan: Near broadway. Are you two from broadway?

Waiter: No. We’re not from broadway. They want us to look sexy and I think we’re doing it.

Alex: Okay. So, this song is about two football players who kiss?

Waiter: I think they’re just excited because they won the game.

Beck: But they are not on the same team.

Waitress: Who is not?

Beck: The people.

Kenan: This song is not good.

Waitress: You know what? I think that’s probably because we’re stopping and starting.

Waiter: Yeah. We’re leaving too much room for people to interject with their thoughts.

Waitress: So, since you’re literally begging…

Kenan: We’re not though.

Waitress: If I don’t score a touchdown right now
I swear that I’ll eat my bra

Waiter: You gotta give the ball on the square

Waiter and Waitress: Oh, don’t get mad at us, puts on the bus
smack you ahead.

Kenan: We don’t know this song.

Waitress: You do.

Beck: We don’t. Unless it’s something like…

[singing] Hot damn, I’m in the zone

Ego: Hot damn like Tim Tebow

Alex: So we pun and we kiss and we love
and that’s slight too damn

Kenan: No!

Waiter and Waitress: If I don’t score a touchdown right now
I’ll touch your back in the car

Beck,Ego and Alex: The cheerleaders are calling to say

All: Were tired and here’s what we did,
we ran away.

[all run behind the bar]

Waiter: Tap break behind the bar.

Kenan: I am on Google right now and there’s exactly one song called “Hot Damn” and it was released in twothousandtwo by hiphop duo Clipse. It is not this song. This song is not real and those taps are not real.

Waitress: Well, maybe these tap hats and canes will help you remember.

Kenan: They will not!

All: Call in special teams, know who I mean
get in the game

All: Hot damn like Tim Tebow
and we rush and we kick and we puc
and we sing and we sing
and we dance and we kiss
hot damn

Ego: I guess we did remember that song.

Beck: Hey! This TV is unplugged. You just wanted to do your number.

Waitress: Yeah. And if you tell anyone, we’ll kill you.

Waiter: We’ll kill all of you.

Waitress: Okay, now let’s do it again. And really sell at this time.

Kenan: Hell, I knew y’all was a–

Dan Levy Monologue

Dan Levy

Dorine… Aidy Bryant

Eugene Levy

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Dan Levy.

[Dan Levy walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Dan: Thank you. Thank you very, very much. I am so honored to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. Somewhere my 13 year old self has fainted in a really needy melodramatic way. Now, the past 12 months have quite literally changed my life in so many ways. Both good and not so good. Some good, people finally started watching our show Schitt’s Creek. And we were fortunate enough to win nine Emmy’s this year. Unbelievable. Beyond dream come true. Though not so good, those Emmy’s were quite literally thrown at us by a stranger in a hazmat suit. The good, I have been getting stopped on the street by all different kinds of people which is new and fun and different. The not so good, those people are mainly screaming “Ew” at me which was the line I wrote for the show that will now haunt me for the rest of my life. But in all seriousness, for all the good and the not so good, I have somehow found myself here on this iconic stage standing in front of all of you, and trust me when I say this, it has only been good here at SNL. It’s as if nothing has changed. Everyone still has that funny, charming sparkle in their eyes. They’re just a little bit safer. In fact, I thought maybe we could do a tour, show you back stage during a pandemic just to show you how much fun we’ve been having. So, walk with me if you will.

[Dan walks to the audience]

We are now here with the audience. [to an audience] Hi. What is your name?

[Dorine walks in with a long measuring stick]

Dorine: I’m sorry. Excuse me sir, six feet please.

Dan: Okay. I’m sorry.

Dorine: No. This is six feet. You were much closer, okay?

Dan: That is my mistake.

Dorine: Well, just think when you want to get chummy, put a noodle in your tummy.

Dan: Understood. Thank you so much. Everyone, this of course is one of our safety officers, Dorine, keeping us safe. While maintaining the magic.

Dorine: Yeah. Just doing my job.

[Dorine walks out]

Dan: Sorry about that again. I’m new here. So, you gotta be safe to have fun. Of course, [walks pass the audience and to the door] famous studio doors.

[Dorine hits Dan with the measuring stick]

Dorine: No pointing.

Dan: Come on!

Dorine: No. Pointing spreads droplets.

Dan: I’m almost certain that is not the case. Sorry, Dorine. We’re gonna move on. Right out here, I’m not going to use my hands, because you know– Anyway– [Dan walks pass the door. There’s anti-viral myst.] Wow, that is cold. I think some of it is anti-viral mist. Taste the bleach. And over here is the famous NBC page desk. [Melissa Villaseñor is getting sprayed with sanitizers at the desk.]

Melissa: Ha-ha-ha. That tickles.

Dan: Okay. I guess it’s been turned into a cast decontamination station. See, things can change here on a dime. Walking over here, oh, what are these? These are portraits of former hosts. I think I know this lady. [pointing at the picture]

[Dorine hits Dan with the measuring stick]

Dorine: Sir!

Dan: Come on!

Dorine: No. You were pointing.

Dan: Okay. That hurt. Please don’t do that again.

Dorine: I’m gonna do it.

Dan: I’m on a tour. Right down here, we have some host dressing rooms. This one is Phoebe Bridgers’. Not gonna ask what’s going on in there. Hope everything’s okay. Phoebe, break a leg. She can’t hear me. Let’s see what’s down here. Maybe we’ll run into a cast member. Oh my gosh. It’s a socially distant Kenan! [Kenan is very far away] Hi, Kenan.

Kenan: Hey! Who is that? I’m sorry, I’m wearing a face shield.

Dan: It’s Dan.

Kenan: What?

Dan: Ha-ha-ha. It’s the host of the show, Dan Levy.

Kenan: Oh my goodness. Thank you so much, man. You too.

Dan: The cast are very, very nice here. And I’ve been treated so well and just feel so safe. I mean honestly, just to get to a walk these halls is such a thrill.

[Dan runs into his dad, Eugene Levy. He’s inside a glass box.]

Wait, dad? You came all the way from Los Angeles?

Eugene: Hey, son. Well, look at you. No, I flew in. I flew in to wish you luck tonight, but because I traveled, I am now in this tight isolation box.

Dan: You flew all this way just to watch the show from a weird box?

Eugene: I did not know about the box at the time. No. I found out when I landed.

Dan: Okay. Well, I’d offer to help but we’re live on TV.

Eugene: Well, listen. Don’t worry about me. I’m fine. Okay? You’ve got enough on your plate tonight.

Dan: Okay. Thanks, dad. Fresh from a plane from Los Angeles, Eugene Levy, everybody.

Eugene: [to the guards] Excuse me. Could one of you turn me towards the stage so I can see the show? Thank you.

Dan: See? Still fun. We have got such a great show for you tonight. Phoebe Bridgers is here. Stick around, we will be right back.

What Still Works Cold Open

Kate McKinnon

Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong

Derrick Boner… Pete Davidson

Jack Dorsey… Mikey Day

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Moffat

OJ Simpson… Kenan Thompson

Tom Brady… John Krasinski

[Starts with Kate McKinnon in her set.]

Female voice: And now, it’s time for “What Still Works?”

[cheers and applause]

Kate McKinnon: Hello. Hello and welcome to what still works where we look at every part of American society and wonder what still works? It’s a new year and we have a new president. So, something should work. But do they? Our first topic is ‘Government’ and already I have my doubts. Joining us is a congress woman from Georgia who’s been promoting QAnon conspiracy theories. Please welcome Marjorie Taylor Greene.

[Marjorie Taylor Greene walks in]

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Hi. Thanks for having me. [pulls out a gun and offers it to Kate McKinnon] Gun?

Kate McKinnon: No. Thank you. I’m good.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Okay.

Kate McKinnon: Congress woman Greene, hard to say those words together. What are some of the theories you believe in and have been promoting?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: How much time you got?

Kate McKinnon: For you, very little.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Well, first off, I believe the Parkland shooting was a hoax. The teachers were actors and the children were dolls. I believe 9/11 was a hoax. Did anyone actually see it happen? I’ve also told my supporters that they should physically murder Nancy Pelosi. She’s just a lady I work with.

Kate McKinnon: Yes. I know. Thank you.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Oh, and this is a new and it just came out. I think that the California wildfires were caused by Jewish space laser.

Kate McKinnon: So, there are lasers in space that cause wildfires and lasers identify as Jewish?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Yes, correct.

Kate McKinnon: And those are real things you believe and tell other people about?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Um-hmm, yes.

Kate McKinnon: And you’re a US representative?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Yes.

Kate McKinnon: You represent the US?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Yes.

Kate McKinnon: People can google you and it will say – she’s a real member of the US government?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: That might not be the first thing that comes up but yes.

Kate McKinnon: And when your colleagues found out about all these hateful and psychotic things you said, what did they do.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: I was promoted to the education committee.

Kate McKinnon: Okay, thanks for coming. So, government doesn’t work. [Marjorie Taylor Greene walks out] And honestly, I regret not taking that gun. Now, let’s take a look at the stock market. That usually works, right? That’s where people invest all their retirement money, so should probably work. Here to help us answer that question is the new majority shareholder of GameStop, Derrick Boner.

[Derrick Boner walks in]

Derrick Boner: Hey. Wad up? This is crazy, dude. By the way, my name is Derrick Evans, but I made you say boner.

Kate McKinnon: Terrific. Now, would you say the stock market still works?

Derrick Boner: First of all, it’s pronounced ‘The Stonk Market’. Hell yeah, it works. See, I told you. I put all my money in GameStop and I can’t lose.

Kate McKinnon: Uh-huh. So, normally a stock price reflects the company’s value, right?

Derrick Boner: Okay.

Kate McKinnon: And two weeks ago, GameStop was valued at $Kate McKinnonTom Brady a share and then it went to $Jack DorseyKate McKinnonDerrick Boner a share. Would you say that reflects the kind of business GameStop stores have been doing in the past two weeks?

Derrick Boner: Um, we sell games?

Kate McKinnon: Right. But are you good at it?

Derrick Boner: Not really. People download all their games now, so we’re kind of like– I don’t know, what do you call it?

Kate McKinnon: A dying business?

Derrick Boner: Yeah. That’s it.

Kate McKinnon: Right. So, your price should have gone—

Derrick Boner: Down?

Kate McKinnon: But instead it went–

Derrick Boner: Up the most?

Kate McKinnon: So, now it seems like–

Derrick Boner: The entire system is a joke?

Kate McKinnon: Exactly.

Derrick Boner: Interesting. Hey, you wanna buy my stonks?

Kate McKinnon: I’m good. Thank you. But out of curiosity, who else invested in GameStop?

Derrick Boner: Oh. Ja Rule.

Kate McKinnon: Best of luck to you. [Derrick Boner walks away] So, the stock market no longer works. Next, let’s look at social media. Some might say it never worked, but let’s ask two experts, Twitter CEO, Jack Dorsey and and Facebook Founder, Mark Zuckerberg.

[Jack Dorsey and Mark Zuckerberg walk in. Jack Dorsey takes a seat and Mark Zuckerberg stays standing as there’s only one seat.]

We can get you a chair, Mark.

Mark Zuckerberg: I prefer to stand. It makes my legs work just as hard as my brain. Ha-ha-ha. Dab! [dabs] Hah! Leg-dab. [jumps and does the leg-dab]

Kate McKinnon: He’s one of our best and brightest. Guys, you’ve had to suspend the accounts of many prominent conservatives who are spreading lies and in-sighting violence. How did that go?

Jack Dorsey: Not well. It seems to have force those people on to darker, scarier apps where they’re delusion and blood lust can run wild.

Mark Zuckerberg: And fundamentally, Facebook still works. Not only does it help form communities online, it has helped people meet and connect in real life. For example, at the Capitol. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Jack Dorsey: And while we’re gathering opinion with what works, would you say that my chin-beard is working?

Kate McKinnon: It’s working in terms of keeping me a lesbian. Thank you so much for joining us. [Jack Dorsey and Mark Zuckerberg walk out] Our next topic the vaccine rollout. Is that working? Joining us someone who has just received the vaccine, OJ Simpson.

[OJ Simpson walks in]

OJ Simpson: How is it going, gang? Great to see you, everybody. [He is wearing a house arrest ankle monitor] I don’t get out much, so this is fun.

Kate McKinnon: So, OJ, you got the vaccine?

OJ Simpson: Yes.

Kate McKinnon: Teachers can’t get vaccines but you did?

OJ Simpson: That’s correct.

Kate McKinnon: People with long term lung conditions can’t get the vaccine but you did?

OJ Simpson: Absolutely.

Kate McKinnon: So, among the first 3% of all Americans given the vaccine, was OJ Simpson.

OJ Simpson: Hey, guilty as charged. About the vaccine.

Kate McKinnon: Alright. The vaccine rollout, it doesn’t work. Thank you so much for coming.

OJ Simpson: Honestly, my schedule was wide open. [ankle monitor starts beeping] God, this thing makes me so angry. [angrily] I swear I could just– [Kate McKinnon is getting scared of OJ Simpson and he notices that] Hey, stay cool, juice.

[OJ Simpson walks out]

Kate McKinnon: Cool. And our last topic tonight, Tom Brady. Is Tom Brady working? Here with his thoughts is Tom Brady.

[Tom Brady walks in]

Tom Brady: Thanks for having me.

Kate McKinnon: Now, Tom, this is your tenth Super Bowl appearance?

Tom Brady: That’s right.

Kate McKinnon: You’re 43 years old but you’re 27.

Tom Brady: I haven’t been eating sugar for 15 years.

Kate McKinnon: You went to historically one of the worst franchises in football and in your first year, you took them all the way to the championship?

Tom Brady: That’s right. But, it’s really team effort, you know?

Kate McKinnon: No, no. Don’t even try it. No one believes there’s anyone else on the team. My point is, you still work.

Tom Brady: Yeah.

Kate McKinnon: You’re supposed to win football games and you just keep winning football gmes.

Tom Brady: Yeah.

Kate McKinnon: You might be the only thing in America that still works.

Tom Brady: Yeah.

Kate McKinnon: So, I guess everyone must be rooting for you, right?

Tom Brady: Almost no one.

Kate McKinnon: Well, you know what? I’ll be rooting for you, Tom Brady because you’re the only god damn thing this country can still rely on. And it’s not like you’re a weird Trump guy or anything, right?

Tom Brady: [does’t answer] Thanks for having me. [stands and walks away]

Kate McKinnon: And thank you for watching what still works. I’ve been Kate McKinnon as myself slowing losing my mind along with all of you. Stay strong. Or weak. Weak is a great option too. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.