So You Think You Wont Snap Cold Open

Morgan Freegirl… Bowen Yang

Heather… Heidi Gardner

Kayla… Chloe Fineman

Tracy… Sarah Sherman

Dale… Kenan Thompson

Henry… Devon walker

[starts with Morgan Freegirl in his show set]

Morgan Freegirl: Hello America. [cheers and applause] Have you noticed that everyone around you is angry and crazy? People are flipping out at Target, stabbing his back. And the only thing that can cheer us up is watching a sexy show about Jeffrey Dahmer. We are living on the edge and tonight I’m here to push us over as we play…

Intro:So you think you won’t snap!

Morgan Freegirl: [walks to his booth] Yes, that’s right. I’m your host Morgan Freegirl. Tonight we found the only people in America who have not yet snapped. Let’s meet them. It’s Heather, Kayla, Dale and Henry. [cheers and applause] The game is simple. I’ll read real stories from the news and if you keep your cool, you win big money. All right, Heather, you’re up first in the hotspot.

[Heather walks to the spot]

Heather, you are a music professor and white yoga teacher in Burlington, Vermont.

Heather: Yes, I’m just kind of a chill person. So I promise you’re not gonna get me up.

Morgan Freegirl: Hope you’re right. I’m gonna read you some headlines and to tell if you’ve hit your breaking point, you have in front of you a today’s show sized glass of wine.

[a girl brings a glass of wine and puts it on Heather’s table]

Heather: Oh, I’m not going to drink that. I’ve been sober for 15 years.

Morgan Freegirl: Love that confidence. Let’s play. Let’s start with Ukraine. A massive bridge explosion today cut off the Russian supply chain.

Heather: I saw that. Hopefully it brings us for one step closer to an end.

Morgan Freegirl: Well, on Thursday, Biden said we are closer to nuclear Armageddon than we’ve been in 60 years.

Heather: I don’t know where to put that in my brain. But I love Biden.

Morgan Freegirl: Totally, new to. Do you know how old he is? Did you know that when Joe Biden was born, we didn’t have highways?

Heather: That’s a fun fact.

Morgan Freegirl: Joe Biden was Henry3 years old when he got his first home computer.

Heather: Why are you doing this?

Morgan Freegirl: I’m not doing anything. You want a sip of that wine?

Heather: No, I’m totally good.

[the girl is pouring more wine in her glass]

Morgan Freegirl: Your next item is a video clip. Please enjoy this clip of Biden talking about his mental acuity.

[cut to an interview of Joe Biden]

Journalist: How would you say your mental focus is?

Joe Biden: Which focus? Ha-ha-ha. I think if— I haven’t— Look.

[cut to Heather drinking the whole glass of wine at once]

Morgan Freegirl: That’s a snap.

Heather: [finishing her wine] Mama missed you.

Morgan Freegirl: Up next is Kayla. Kayla get in the hotspot.

[Kayla takes the seat] [cheers and applause]

Welcome Kayla. Kayla, you said you are a mom and are pickleball curious.

Kayla: Yeah, that’s right. I’m blessed with four beautiful children and don’t have time to worry about anything else.

Morgan Freegirl: Well, next to you is Tracy, a flight attendant for Frontier Airlines. [Tracy is standing next to Kayla] And if you want, you can hit her.

Tracy: Hello.

Kayla:  What? Gosh, I don’t hit people.

Morgan Freegirl: Well, they get hit all the time now, must be a good reason. Let’s play. We’ll start with Georgia Senate candidate Herschel Walker.

Kayla: Oh, the football player. I like him.

Morgan Freegirl: Well came out this week that though he supports a total abortion ban, he allegedly paid for one and lied about it.

Kayla: Well, I bet that’ll come back and bite him in the butt.

Morgan Freegirl: That actually led to his best fundraising day ever.

Kayla: Well, that’s hard to compute, but I don’t like politics. So can we talk about something fun instead?

Morgan Freegirl: Sure. You’re a mom. Did you know that 86% of kids today say that when they grow up, their dream job is influencer.

Kayla: Okay, that sounds dumb. But my kids are into video games, so.

Morgan Freegirl: Well, great. They just released the trailer for the new Super Mario Brothers movie starring Chris Pratt. Let’s take a look.

[cut to Super Mario Brothers movie trailer]

Mario: Mushroom Kingdom, here we come!

[cut back to Kayla]

Kayla: What? He’s supposed to be Italian. That’s like, his whole thing. Argh! [starts hitting Tracy]

Morgan Freegirl: It was inevitable. Well, it’s time for our next contestant get up here, Dale.

[Dale takes the seat] [cheers and applause]

Hello, Dale, you said you’re taking advantage of Biden’s new weed policy and you had sex right before coming on the show?

Dale: Yes, I sure did. God bless America.

Morgan Freegirl: Well Dale, time for your around. In front of you is a table of things you can sweep on the ground if you snap.

[there are bottle, martini glass, and ice container on the table]

Dale: No worry about that. Nothing can ruin my day today.

Morgan Freegirl: Of course, let’s play. This week Elon Musk—

Dale: Ah! [breaks everything on the table] That man needs to shut his mouth. Rich dude talking about going to Mars. Well, turn your ass to Mars then.

Morgan Freegirl: Thanks, Dale. And our last contestant is Henry.

[Henry is sitting on the spot]

Henry, you are a college student from Ann Arbor. We asked what keeps you up at night and you just said cutiea.

Henry: Yeah, I was just goofing.

Morgan Freegirl: Well, in front of you is a steaming hot iron just in case you need to use it on your hand.

Henry: Why would I in my hand?

Morgan Freegirl: That’s a great question. Let’s play. 401K’s are down Heather0%.

Henry:  I don’t have one so that doesn’t bother me.

Morgan Freegirl:  In the name of inclusivity, the Mars company has announced that the orange M&M has anxiety.

Henry: That’s the candy, doesn’t matter.

Morgan Freegirl: This week Kanye West called Lizzo fans demonic.

Henry: [exhaling] Okay. Alright, so you bringing up Kanye. All right. All right. It’s okay. I still like his music.

Morgan Freegirl: Kanye West also recently opened a private school.

Henry: Okay, a school. That’s good, right?

Morgan Freegirl: And says he has never read a book in his life.

Henry: Can I get a new topic?

Morgan Freegirl: Sure. Let’s switch gears to Tucker Carlson. Last night, Tucker Carlson sat down with Kanye West.
Henry: Hey man, have a heart. Come on.

Morgan Freegirl: You’re right, you’re right. Let’s go to the world of fashion.

Henry: Okay, thank you.

Morgan Freegirl: With a photo of Kanye.

[Cut to a picture of Kanye West wearing “White lives matter” shirt.] [Cut to Henry burning his face with the iron]

Henry: Ah!

Morgan Freegirl: Oh, there we go. When we come back, we’ll show an 80 year old man an episode of euphoria and…

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

 

Half Brother

Kenan Thompson

Dale… Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Lars… Daniel Kaluuya

Jolene… Cecily Strong

Ego Nwodim

[Starts with five adults raising their glasses]

All: Happy birthday to you.

Kenan: Thank you, you guys.

Dale: Hey, you’re turning 69, right?

Kenan: Dale! Leave it to Dale to make a nasty, nasty joke.

Dale: Guilty as charged!

Kenan: Well, I may laugh but I don’t like it.

Aidy: Well, anyway. Thank you so much for being here. You all are such a dear friends.

Lars: Only friends here?

Jolene: Yeah, only friends? Or–

Kenan: Oh. Yes. My half brother, Lars.

Lars: Half brother, full Facebook friend.

Kenan: That’s right. And his partner, Jolene.

Jolene: Yeah, easy to remember. Like, the whore from the song.

Kenan: So, yeah. Thank you both for driving all the way from the tip top of Canada.

Lars: No offense, but who’s going to make this a real party? You know what I mean?

Aidy: Oh! You don’t mean drugs, do you?

Jolene: Well, think sexier.

Dale: Oh-oh! Sounds like they hired a stripper.

Kenan: No! No! I said no nasty!

Lars: No. She’s not a stripper, but she’s nude, beautiful, and she lets you grab her by the neck and slap her around. It’s my upright bass. [there’s a upright bass at the side]

Aidy: Oh, look honey. He moved our entire media center and put his upright bass there.

Lars: Don’t worry. All your crap is in the bathroom. Now, who wants to play my upright bass?

Ego: Probably no one.

Lars: Well, I do.

Jolene: Well, if you’re going to play upright bass, who’s going to do spoken word poetry? [pointing at Aidy] You?

Aidy: No. No, I don’t like where this is going.

Ego: Yeah. Where is it going?

Kenan: Well, I think my half brother and his wife are going to perform some jazz thing.

Jolene: Well, feel free to snap along anyone. [Lars and Jolene get ready to perform] I think you’ll know where we picked this one.

Lars: This is for you, half brother. On your birthday.

[Lars starts playing the bass]

Jolene: [poetry] Kitty’s on the sand with the shackles on his hand
coz kitty stole the bacon and the bacon’s for the taking.

Lars: He stole it for the lover but lover found another

Jolene: He never did confess but they fried them nonetheless

Lars and Jolene: Zaba-duba-de, now, meow!

Lars: Happy birthday.

Kenan: Wow. That was amazing. Thank you.

Jolene: No, no. We don’t deserve all that. Come on. We can do better.

Lars: See, normally when we do this, we’re just made love in any old way.

Jolene: Yeah, you know how it goes. Twisted around, up side down, magic night gowns. But that’s all over. We are getting the big old D-I-V-O-R-C. Anybody knows that that spells?

Aidy: Well, you almost spelled divorce.

Lars: And we’re almost divorced.

Jolene: Yeah. We tried to fix things with an open marriage but he forgot to tell me about it.

Lars: I could have sworn I mentioned it.

Jolene: Nope. Well, thank you both. We enjoyed whatever that was you did. And I’m sorry about your divorce.

Jolene: No, no, no. don’t be. I mean, the marriage might be over but we still got the band. Hey, let’s prove it.

Ego: No need.

[Lars starts playing the bass]

Jolene: [poem] Tony Loney Money had a lonely horoscony
his name was way too long to fit on a tombstoney

Lars: The grumpy old crooney, the thought everyone was phoney
so no one was around when he choked his baloney

Lars and Jolene: Shapa-shapa-shapa-duray-meow!

Aidy: Well, thank you so much for you jazz beat. I think we’re good.

Jolene: And?

Dale: Sorry about your divorce.

Lars: But?

Ego: We’re the glad the band is still together?

Lars: Because?

Kenan: We liked it?

Jolene: And now you want an?

Aidy: Encore? Oh no! Why did I say that?

Kenan: I guess this is how I’m spending my first birthday out of quarantine.

[Lars starts playing bass]

Jolene: [poem] Nothing could be slicker than rabbit drinking liquor

Lars: But when he hit the jicker adding whiskey in his picker

Dale: Okay, I like it now.

Jolene: It just lay there like a worm refusing to perform.

Lars and Jolene: Rabbity-scabbity-rabbity ray
rabbity-scabbity not today

meow!

Ego: Why does it always end with meow?

Dale: I don’t know. Ask them.

Aidy: Hey, where did they go? [they’re not there]

Kenan: I think they’re having sex in our bedroom.

Ego: How do you know?

Kenan: Well, they left the door open and I can see everything.

Aidy: Okay. Should we just do presents?

Kenan: I guess.

Lars and Jolene: [shouting in another room] Shaba-shaba-do-ray-meow!

Aidy: Oh my god!

Kenan: No, no. Don’t look. That’s what they want.

Lets Say Grace

Aidy Bryant

Ego Nwodim

Carl… Regé-Jean Page

Dale… Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

Charlie… Andrew Dismukes

Punkie Johnson

Chris Redd

Dana… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a family get together]

Aidy: Well, there they are.

[Everyone greeting each other]

Ego: It’s so nice for you all to have us over. This house is lovely.

Carl: Man, look at all this food. You all having a whole football team over?

[everyone laughing]

Aidy: No, no, no. This is just what we do when new neighbors drop by. We act neighborly. So, this is buffet style. Grab a plate and go to town.

Dale: Now, before we dig in, our family usually says a little prayer. Is that okay? Y’all church going people?

Ego: Oh, absolutely.

Kenan: Absolutely. Have been Mr. Sunday since 81.

Dale: Well, that’s good. I’mma get my youngest Charlie to say grace. Go ahead, Charlie.

Charlie: Um, okay. Thank you for this food. Bless us as we eat. Amen.

All: Amen.

Aidy: Well, that was really nice. Okay now, we got two kinds of taters and my famous cheese biscuits.

Kenan: Uh, you know what? I hate to keep us from eating, but I feel like that prayer was incomplete.

Ego: Um-hmm, yeah. You know, I don’t feel comfortable eating this food until it is properly blessed. That’s how folks get sick.

Kenan: So, I’ll get my oldest Carl to bless us. Go ahead, Carl.

Carl: Alright. Thank you lord for this beautiful, boundful food. Thank you to those who raised it, picked it, chucked and cleaned it.

Dale: Amen, wonderful.

Carl: I’m not done. Processed it, packaged it, rubbed it, flipped it and reversed it. In the name of the father, the son, the nieces, the nephews, the second cousins. Once removed, twice removed and twice returned.

Ego: Um-hmm, baby, now don’t forget the holy trinity, okay? Earth, wind and fire. Bell Biv Devoe. And the holiest of trinities, the children of destiny, Beyonce, Kelly and I suppose, Michelle.

Punkie: Um, yes. And may the holy ghost greet with a blessed peek-a-boo.

Chris: And lead us not into temptation but deliver us Amazon Prime for free.

All: Amen.

Kenan: Very nice.

Ego: Lovely.

Aidy: Alright. Well, that was a beautiful effort. And hey, if we’re praying like really praying, let’s kick up a notch, huh? So, I’m gonna ask my post-pubescent daughter, Dana, to give us something a little more spirited.

Dana: [angry] Mom!

Aidy: [angry] I said my busty daughter is going to give us something spirited. Now, do what you learned in church camp.

Dana: Argh! Okay, fine! [gets a mic and starts rocking her body. Her brother, mother and father also start rocking their bodies] Alright, let’s get our hand clap going. There we go. There we go.

Jeremiah came down.

Family: Oh he came down

Dana: With a cask of oil

Family: Oh he came down

Dana: Jebediah came down

Family: Oh he came down

Dana: With a cask of water

Family: Oh he came down

Dana: Jeremiah, Jebediah, oh, they gotta be in their way. Amen.

Dale: Alright. That’s a prayer.

[Kenan’s family is planning too]

Chris: That was real nice. Real cute now. Yeah.

Kenan: I think we maybe can do a little better. Um-hmm. Bernadeth, it’s time. Bring in the big dogs.

Punkie: The big dogs.

Aidy: Um, wow. Okay.

Charlie: Y’all came prepared.

Dana: Yeah, they don’t teach this at church camp.

[Kenan’s family all have paper fans with gods’ pictures on them]

Kenan: Um-hmm, and we got this here Beats Pill. [pulls out a bluetooth sound speaker]

Dale: Okay. You’re on sound system. Very cool.

[music starts playing]

Kenan: Alright everybody. Raise your hands up for it’s time to pray away what’s on the layer way. Here we go.

Ego: [singing] Now, who gave all the fishes?

Family: G-O-D.

Ego: And washed all your dirty dishes?

Family: G-O-D.

Kenan: Who turned water into wine?

Family: G-O-D.

Kenan: And milk into moonshine?

Family: G-O-D.

Kenan: Break it down now, Dale!

Dale: Who, me? Alright.

[Dale starts to break dance]

All: Go, Dale! Go, Dale!

Kenan: Now, raise your hands in the air
if you want to say a short prayer
and when we bless this food, make it taste real good
somebody say “Oh, yeah!”

All: Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
Amen…

Super Bowl Pod

Heidi Gardner

Shel… Kyle Mooney

Brandon… Dan Levy

Dale… Beck Bennett

Chris Redd

Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

PSY… Bowen Yang

[Starts with five friends getting ready to watch football in home. They’re all wearing masks.]

Heidi: It’s so good to see everyone.

Shel: I can’t believe we’re having a Super Bowl party.

Brandon: I know. Is this okay? Like, should we be doing this?

Dale: Well, I’ve been super safe.

Chris: Same here.

Shel: Me too.

Dale: So then, masks off?

[they all take their masks off]

Brandon: God, I feel so free.

Shel: We’ve all been so good. We deserve this.

Dale: Totally. We have. And full disclosure, not a big deal, Angie and I went to PF chains for her birthday. We ate outdoors. Relax.

Shel: That’s cool.

Brandon: You’re fine.

Chris: Man, I’ve been crazy with this covid stuff. I haven’t left my house at all. I mean, I have been to the grocery store and the laundromat.

Brandon: Yeah, of course. Food, clothes.

Chris: And obviously I’m still doing my wrestling club, so…

Dale: Yeah. But that’s just a group of what? 20-30 really nice guys?

Shel: Wrestling a few nights guys, dude, you’re good.

Heidi: Yeah. I mean, we’re doing everything right.

Dale: Exactly. I haven’t hung out with anyone outside of my pod in almost a year.

Brandon: Oh my gosh, I feel you. I’m on quarantine burnout.

Dale: Yeah. It’s just me, my wife, my brother… his wife, obviously their neighbor, his brother, my grandparents and their nursing home. Oh, and I go into work.

Brandon: Sorry. What is it that you do again?

Dale: I’m a mouth masseuse. I massage mouths.

Shel: Oh, that’s fine. I mean, you’re not kissing them, right?

Dale: Just hello and goodbye. And sometimes while I massage them.

Brandon: Yeah, but that’s work. We are doing everything right.

Heidi: Yeah. I don’t understand how people are still getting sick.

Chris: Well see, the problem is they’re going out and doing normal activities like seeing friends and stuff.

All: So stupid.

Brandon: So disgusting. What about you, Shel? Single guy over there? You look lonely and depressed.

Shel: Absolutely. Of course, now it’s all about zoom dating. For me, it’s just too awkward. So, I’ve been having raw dog sex with the strangers in the park.

Heidi: Outside with air, you’re fine.

Brandon: Yeah. For me, it’s just been Netflix, Netflix and more Netflix.

Chris: What have you been watching?

Brandon: Oh, no. For meetings, I’m flying all over LA, London, Brazil.

Shel: Well, you got the vaccine, didn’t you?

Brandon: Oh, yeah. Actually, I’ve got it. I’ve got it right here. [showing the vaccine in it’s small container]

Heidi: Are you gonna take it?

Brandon: Yeah. I mean, I take it everywhere I go.

Shel: Great thinking, Brandon.

Chris: Hey, we’re doing everything right.

Dale: Who’s hungry for my famous chilly? [everybody get excited] Because of covid, I don’t want to share utensils.

Brandon: Totally. Let’s be smart. Actually, I have some– Let’s just do this.

[Brandon sprays sanitizer on everyone’s hands. Then they all start eating with their hands sharing the food bowl.]

Heidi: Oh, look who became a chef. Yeah. I went viral on TikTok.

Chris: What? For dancing?

Heidi: No. For fit non-pudding.

Dale: Oh, TikTok. All the little videos.

Heidi: Dale. Did you spice this chilly?

Dale: Yeah, of course. It’s my famous chilly.

Heidi: Because I can’t really taste it.

Brandon: I can’t really smell it either.

Chris: Do you guys think that–

Shel: No. Dude, we’ve been doing everything right.

Heidi: We need a hug.

All: Yeah.

Dale: Hey, remember hug?

[they all hug each other.] [the lights turn dark. Anthony Fauci walks in front of them at the spot light.]

Anthony Fauci: Hi, I’m Dr. Fauci. Right now you’re probably feeling like most Americans. Bored, horny and borderline nuts. I know I am. But what you just saw is the wrong way to Super Bowl. That’s why I partnered with Cheetos and durex condoms to remind you to Super Bowl responsibly. At home, in a mask, lights off, no friends.  #ThisIsHowWeSuperBowl. [PSY walks in] And to help spread my messages, my good friend Kpop superstar PSY.

PSY: Covid Super Bowl

[starts singing like his song “Gangnam Style]

Co-co-co-co-covid Super Bowl