Tag: Ted Cruz

Message From Ted Cruz Cold Open

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Katherine Cruz… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a written video clip.]

Female voice: And now a message from senator Ted Cruz.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Oh, hello. I was just reading my Conscience of Bedtime Story. Now, some of you have already seen me in tonight’s Republican debate in New Hampshire. And if you missed it, here’s a quick recap. I won. I also won the Iowa Caucus. Thanks to endorsements from strong conservatives like Glenn Beck and God Almighty. Now, I’ll admit I’m a non-conventional candidate. I’m not like other politicians. I didn’t get where I am today because I was born wealthy or handsome or charismatic, or nice. I am not cool or likable, or even fine. I’m not young and hip. I am not off the chain. I’m not energetic and healthy. Physically, I’m not doing well at all. From the side, I look like a Far Side cartoon.

In other words, I have overcome perhaps the greatest political liability of all time. Being Ted Cruz. Mine is a story of Triumph over adversity. Like FTR in his wheel chair. But instead of a wheel chair, it’s my personality and face. Now, how have I done this? A few things. First, my family. I would be nothing without the love and support of my incredible family like my daughter Katherine here. Come here sweetie.

[Katherine Cruz walks in]

How about a hug for daddy?

Katherine Cruz: No.

Ted Cruz: Hah, come on now. Give daddy a hug for the camera.

Katherine Cruz: No.

Ted Cruz: Oh come here sweetie. [Ted Cruz leans towards his daughter to get a hug but his daughter pushes him away.] Alright, how about a kiss? [Ted Cruz kisses his daughter on her cheek] I’ll settle for a kiss.

[Katherine Cruz jumps around and leaves]

Love you too, honey. My pride and joy.

My second secret to success, a sense of humor. I am very funny. For example, [giggling] what did Donald Trump do when he lost hour? He threw a Trumper tantrum. [laughing] You can find plenty of more right here in my book. [Ted Cruz holds a book] The book that New York Times went out of their way to call “Not a best seller”.

And the final and the largest key to my success, I’m a sneaky little stinker. From sending out bogus flyers in hour to spreading rumors that Ben Carson had dropped out. I am like the greased pig of politics. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Folks, we’ve had presidents who were governors, generals. Isn’t it time for a president who is just a nasty little weasel? So when you go to the polls this primary season, take a good look at your choices and ask yourself, which one of these guys would be played by Paul Giamatti. I’ll see you at the polls and live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Republican Debate

Neil Cavuto… Kyle Mooney

Maria Bartiromo… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Chris Christie… Bobby Moynihan

Jeb Bush… Beck Bennett

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

Marco Rubio… Pete Davidson

[Starts with republican debate intro]

Male voice: Live on the Fox Business Network, it’s the 6th republican debate.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Neil: Hello and welcome back. I’m FOX business rock star Neil Cavuto.

Neil: And I’m Maria Bartiromo. A reminder, we’ve lost a few competitors since the last debate with only seven joining us tonight. So remember candidates, if at any time tonight, your poll numbers drop below 3%, you will hear a loud gong, then be escorted off the stage like the showtime at the Apollo. At which point you’ll take a seat in the audience next to that sweet rose of the Carolina’s senator Lindsey Graham.

[Cut to Lindsey Graham sitting at the audience and smiling at the camera.] [Cut to Neil and Maria]

The next question for our front runner Donald Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump.]

Donald Trump: Thank you Maria Toniromo.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Mr. Trump. Since the last debate, Ted Cruz has pulled ahead of you in Iowa. Is it true you’ve started attacking him because you see him as a threat?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Franky Maria, I’m glad everyone is talking about my good friend Rafael Eduardo Cruz. People are coming up to me all the time saying, “Donald, Ted Cruz was born in Canada. He can’t be president. This campaign is illegal.” Their words, not mine.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Donald, this debate about natural born citizenship is just political nonsense. Clearly I’m not Canadian. Canadians are well act. I am not. Canadians are rugged and outdoorsy where I myself am mostly made of pudding. Canadians are genuine and warm whereas when I smile, it looks like I’m peeing.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Alright governor Christie, if I ask you a question, do you promise not to turn your answer into a tie raid against president Obama?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: I promise.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: How would you change the tax code?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Barack Obama is the worst president in the history. And when Chris Christie is president, the first thing we will do is kick your rear end out of the White House buddy.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Well, whoever is elected, president Obama will be required to leave. It will be the end of his term.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Duh! Yeah! Coz I’m gonna send him packing.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: He will already have packed and left because his term will be over.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Yeah, well.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: This next question is for Jeb.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: It is?

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Wait, I’m sorry. I’m wrong. It says Ted. Ted Cruz.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Aw!

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Mr. Cruz. You suggested Mr. Trump embodies New York values. Could you explain what you mean by that?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: I think most people know exactly what New York values are. And frankly, they’re not the rest of the country’s values. Instead of celebrating Christmas, New Yorkers celebrate a pagan holiday called Festivus. Instead of watching American football, they challenge each other to masturbation contests. In New York, people don’t say hi to their neighbors. They say, “Hello, Newman.”

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Neil: Sounds like you’re describing the TV show ‘Seinfeld’. Is that what you mean by New York values?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Believe me, if I could say liberal Jews, I would.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Dr. Carson. You’ve said we’re not doing enough to dismantle and destroy ISIS. What would you do as president?

[Cut to Ben Carson]

Ben Carson: Well, whenever I think of ISIS I get so furious. I just go into beast mode. Okay, look. Okay, wars change in the 6,000 years that the earth has existed. Our enemies can now send an electromagnetic pulse into our exo-atmosphere  scrambling our electro-city. I’m talking dirty bombs, cyber fights, laser people and robo-trons.

[Cut to Chris Christie and Ben Carson. Chris Christie moves away from Ben Carson.] [Cut to Neil and Maria]

Neil: Mr. Trump, we now turn to China.

[Cut to Donald Trump looking at his phone.]

Donald Trump: Hold on. I’m getting a call from a respected expert. Hello. What? You’re saying Jeb Bush is a little girl?

[Cut to Donald Trump and Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: No I’m not.

Donald Trump: And he can’t be president because his hands are bigger than his face.

Jeb Bush: That’s not true. Look! Dang it!

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Neil: Our next question is for Marco Rubio.

[Cut to Marco Rubio]

Marco Rubio: Um, can I ask my question myself? Um, why am I not winning? Is it the boots? I can lose the boots. I mean come on! I’m young. I’m smart.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: What did he say?

Neil: Um, I wasn’t listening. Um, finally we turn to governor Bush. Governor, would you like to tell everyone the joke I heard you practicing in the bathroom earlier?

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Okay. In Hillary’s first 100 days as president, she’s going from the White House to the Court House. [laughing] [Cut to Donald Trump shaking his head]

Donald Trump: It’s okay. You don’t need to tell jokes because you are one, Zebra.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: That’s not my name.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yes it is. And I have a good authority that Zebra is wearing spanks right now.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: You shut up. They’re for support.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Alright. We’ll take our first break–

[someone hands a paper to Maria]

Oh, this is exciting. We have confirmation that Chris Christie has just dipped below 3% in the national polls.

[Cut to Chris Christie] [gong sound]

Chris Christie: Wait! Come on!

[Kenan walks in wearing a white suit dancing and escorts Chris Christie out] [Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Well, that’s a lot of fun. We’ll be right back with more. And …

Neil and Maria: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

GOP Debate Cold Open

Wolf Blitzer… Jon Rudnitsky

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

Marco Rubio… Pete Davidson

Jeb Bush… Beck Bennett

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Carly Fiorina… Cecily Strong

Chris Christie…Bobby Moynihan

Rand Paul… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Republican Presidential Debate intro]

Male voice: Live from the Venetian Hotel, Las Vegas, it’s the Republican Debate, with your moderator Wolf Blitzer.

Wolf Blitzer: Good evening. For those of you who missed our earlier under card debate featuring Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum, well the results are in and everybody lost. Now, let’s meet the candidates. Nine are here tonight. The five who actually have a chance are  [Cut to the candidates] Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, Ben Carson, Marco Rubio and poor sweet Jeb Bush.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

With the rest of you just wave so your parents know you’re here.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg and Carly Fiorina waving] [Cut to Chris Christie and Rand Paul waving]

Chris Christie: Hey, baba-boy!

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: We will begin with the front runner, Mr. Trump here. Opening remarks.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Debates are stupid. You should be paying me and Wolf Blitzer looks like Papa Smurf.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Wolf, May I take a desperate swing at Donald now?

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Go ahead Mr. Bush.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: This is what he does. He says these offensive things then he bullies anyone who challenges him. Well guess what, you can’t insult your way to the presidency.

Donald Trump: Oh really jug head? Coz I’m at 43 and you’re at three. Jeb, you’re a nice guy but you’re a light weight. And I know for a fact that you pee setting down.

Jeb Bush: No I don’t.

Donald Trump: Yes you do.

Wolf Blitzer: Alright, let’s go to the surging Ted Cruz. Senator, [Cut to Ted Cruz] you said you will relentlessly carpet bomb ISIS. Is this a real strategy?

Ted Cruz: Well, Wolf, if I’m president I can promise you, ISIS will hate me and how do I know? Because everyone who knows me hates me. Democrats hate me. Republicans hate me. I have what doctors call, a punch-able face. Political actually did a poll and I was voted the candidate most people wanted to throw a beer at. So look out, ISIS, because I’m gonna crash your party. And just like every party I go to, I’m gonna ruin it.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Governor Christie, what steps would you take to keep Americans safe?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Wolf, I would like to answer that with a series of fear-mongering statements.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Go ahead.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: We are under attack and we are all gonna die. Mothers are putting their kids on buses and these buses are being driven off-cliffs by terrorists. Today in our great country, one out of every three babies born are already in ISIS. They are here folks, and I am the only one up here with a stones to take them on. I am a cowboy on a steel horse I ride, Bon Jovi forever!

[Cut to Chris Christie and Rand Paul]

Rand Paul: Listen to this man. He’s trying to start World War III.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Sir, we’re not taking comments from the audience yet.

[Cut to Rand Paul looking angry]

Rand Paul: No, I’m Rand Paul. I’m up here.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Oh, sorry. Well, let’s go to Dr. Carson. Doctor, do you, a brain surgeon, have the experience in toughness to deal with world leaders like Vladimir Putin?

[Cut to Ben Carson]

Ben Carson: Well that question makes me furious, Wolf. I might go ham up in here right now. Of course I can be tough. As a surgeon, I have to tell people things they don’t wanna hear. Not that they have to have brain surgery. That it be performed by me, a man who they believe to be asleep. But I’m not asleep. I am amped, I am jacked and I’m ready to throw down. What do you think of that, Mr. Putin?

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Miss Fiorina, your thoughts.

[Cut to Carly Fiorina]

Carly Fiorina: You wanna talk about Putin, I know Vladimir Putin personally. I sold him an HP printer and now he hates my guts. It doesn’t work. It never worked. And when Putin calls me to complain, I just smile that classic Carly Fiorina smile.

[Carly Fiorina smiles showing her teeth] [Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Okay, well looks like Jeb’s got his courage back up.

[Cut to Jeb Bush. Looks like he’s warming up for sports.]

He is ready to take another run at Trump.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Mr. Bush, go ahead and say out loud what you’ve been quietly muttering to yourself.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Trump? I mean, [Cut to Jeb Bush and Donald Trump] this guy is the chaos candidate. Am I right? Chaos. Is he for real? Nah, man.

Donald Trump: Jeb, you’re a very nice man but you’re basically a little girl. Folks, this is true. I got hold of Jeb’s birth certificate in full disclosure. His real name is Zebra.

Jeb Bush: That is not true.

Donald Trump: That is true. Yes, it is. Jeb-bra. Jeb-bra.

Jeb Bush: That’s not my name. That’s not my name.

Donald Trump: Hey Zebra, lose say what?

Jeb Bush: What? Oh, come on!

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Let’s move on to senator Rubio. Senator, few weeks ago, you were many people’s pick as the most electable candidate. Tonight you’re in 4th place. Are you resonating with the voters?

[Cut to Marco Rubio]

Marco Rubio: Wolf, let’s remember one thing. I am by far, the most attractive person on this stage. I’m a hard seven, baby! I’m young, Cuban, and let’s face it, I’m the only one up here you’d swipe right on. [Cut to Ben Carson. He’s wearing glasses that has wide open eyes printed on them.] So why am I losing to this guy who is asleep right now?

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Alright, before we go to commercial, we’ll give Jeb one last chance to make an impression.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Alright guys, listen. If we work together we can stop Donald Trump. Combine my numbers with [pointing to other candidates] your’s, your’s and your’s, we’d almost win.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Hey Zebra, shut your pot hole

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Okay, you know what? You’re a jerk! You’re never gonna be president, Donald.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yeah, no kidding. None of us are genius. And I’ll tell ya something else. Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

[The End]

On The Record With Greta Van Susteren

Greta Van Susteren… Kate McKinnon

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Chris Christie… Bobby Moynihan

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with On The Record W/ Greta Van Susteren intro]

Male voice: You’re watching On The Record W/ Greta Van Susteren.

[Cut to Greta in her set]

Greta: Good evening, I’m Greta Van Susteren. Now, I’m gonna try this again now. She sells sea shells by the sea– no, I can’t do it. Tonight, Donald Trump has doubled down on his proposal to ban all Muslims from entering America. And some of them criticize the other GOP candidates for not condemning his comings more strongly. Joining me first in the studio is senator Ted Cruz.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Hello Greta. Um, a friend of mine wanted to say hello to you. I think you’ve heard of him. He’s the US constitution.

[Cut to Greta and Ted Cruz]

Greta: Okay, senator. A lot of GOP primary voters agree with Trump and you need those also. Will you go on the record and condemn what Mr. Trump said?

Ted Cruz: Well Greta, [Cut to Ted Cruz] I am not afraid to take a stand on this. When I heard Donald Trump’s comments on Muslims, I said, “Wow…”

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: And we’re talking ‘Wow’ like, “Wow, that’s crazy!’ or ‘wow’ like “Oh, that’s a good idea”?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Exactly!

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: But Cruz, do you support ban on Muslims, yes or no?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Well, put simply, nyes.

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: Nyes? Is that no or a yes?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: [laughing] It is indeed.

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: Okay, we’re gonna come back to you senator. And joining us now via satellite is governor Chris Christie.

[Cut to split screen of Chris Christie and Greta]

Chris Christie: Hey, how you doing?

Greta: Yea, governor Christie, your reaction?

Chris Christie: Alright, look. [Cut to Chris Christie] This guy Trump is a clown, okay? He’s a total joke. The last thing anyone wants is some loud mouth bully from the tri-state area who hearls insult of people like a fat headed jabroni. Greta, look, I wanna make a very clear distinction. When Mr. Trump insults Muslims, those are not the values of the republican party. They’re simply the values of people who vote for the republican party. So in that sense and in that sense only, go Trump!

[Cut to Chris Christie and Greta]

Greta: Ya, but you don’t think we should block Muslims from entering?

Chris Christie: Yea. What we need to do is build a bridge between Muslims and Americans. [Cut to Chris Christie] Okay? But we have to make that bridge really hard to cross. You know? Like, really slow down the flow of traffic on the bridge until that son of a bitch for Fort Lee gets the message.

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: Okay. Finally, joining us from his campaign White Quarters in Virginia, Dr. Ben Carson.

[Cut to split screen between Ben Carson and Greta]

Ben Carson: Hi, Greta. I just drank a Redbull and I am fired up about this. [Cut to Ben Carson] But first, can I just ask, what happened to me? I mean, when I left for the Middle East, I was tied for number one in the polls. When I came back a week later, everyone had forgotten about me. My campaign headquarters got cleared out and they’re turning it into an office for DraftKings.com. I mean, did I winkle myself? Have I been asleep for years?

[Cut to Ben Carson and Greta]

Greta: You have fallen quite a bit in the polls. And it seems like some are now questioning your foreign policy experience.

Ben Carson: Listen, but that’s why I went to visit the lovely country of Jordans.

Greta: Jordan.

Ben Carson: I met with the Sheits and the Heits.

Greta: That’s alright.

Ben Carson: And I talk to them all about radical groups. Humus, ISIS, even Outgator.

Greta: Oh, no. So, you think we should hit ISIS head on.

[Cut to Ben Carson]

Ben Carson: That’s right. Head on. Which is always also the first rule of brain surgery. Always leave the head on.

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: Well, that’s all the time we have. It seems like no one was willing to stand up to Mr. Trump and offer a full condemnation.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Did you say constitution?

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: No. I said condemnation.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Oh, well you’re absolutely right, Greta. This is not a condom nation. This is a Christian nation.

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: Oh my gosh, my soul hurts. For On The Record, I’m Greta Van Susteren.

[The End]

The Rock Obama Cold Open

Barack Obama… Jay Pharoah

Tom Cotton… Kyle Mooney

John Boehner… Taran Killam

Ted Cruz… Bobby Moynihan

Michelle Obama… Sasheer Zamata

The Rock Obama… Dwayne The Rock Johnson

Agent… Beck Bennett

She Rock Obama… Leslie Jones

[Starts with a meeting with Barack Obama]

Barack Obama: Gentlemen, um, thank you for coming. Now, the reason I asked you all here is because we only have until end of March to get something done in my list. And that’s hard to do when you, senator Cotton are sending letters to Iranian government behind my back?

[Cut to Tom Cotton]

Tom Cotton: Yes, I did. [Tom Cotton looks at John Boehner and Ted Cruz] [Cut to Barack Obama]

Barack Obama: Alright. Or, when you, speaker Boehner are inviting the prime minister of Israel to speak to congress without consulting with me?

[Cut to John Boehner]

John Boehner: I did do it.

[Cut to Barack Obama]

Barack Obama: Or when you, senator Cruz call Mr. Netanyahu, an extraordinary leader and side with him against your own president?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Well, that’s just how I feel.

[Cut to Barack Obama]

Barack Obama: Now, look. I’m gonna try to not lost my temper. But what’s it gonna take for us to show a united front on this?

[Cut to John Boehner]

John Boehner: Well, not to be rude, Mr. President, but the only reason I invited prime minister Netanyahu is because I wanted to meet a world leader whose people actually respect him.

[Cut to Barack Obama being pissed off]

Ted Cruz: Yeah, you know? [Cut to Ted Cruz] And I’m impressed he even came to visit considering how much your bad your situation in the middle east.

[Cut to Barack Obama being pissed off] [Cut to Tom Cotton]

Tom Cotton: I’ve been in Wash in three months and I think I think I understand foreign policy better than you. And unrelated, I heard your file four bracket is totally busted.

[Cut to Barack Obama being pissed off. He starts screaming and grunting.] [Cut to Tom Cotton, John Boehner and Ted Cruz. Michelle Obama walks in the office.]

Michelle Obama: Oh, my god! It’s happening.

[Cut to a worn shirt and shoes being torn] [Cut to The Hulk version of Barack Obama.] [Cut to Tom Cotton, John Boehner, Ted Cruz and Michelle Obama. They look shocked.]

John Boehner: What’s happening?

Michelle Obama: What’s happening is you made Barack Obama very angry. And when you make him angry, he turns into ‘The Rock Obama’. Well, anyway, I just wanted to remind you about dinner Barack. Gentlemen, good luck!

[Michelle Obama leaves] [Cut to The Rock Obama] Barack Obama: Now, um, don’t be alarmed. The Rock Obama much like Barack Obama, only larger and more violent. Now, where were we? You.

[Cut to John Boehner and The Rock Obama]

John Boehner: Me?

The Rock Obama: You invite Netanyahu without asking?

John Boehner: [scared] Um, I- I did. But–

[The Rock Obama carried John Boehner by his collar with one hand]

The Rock Obama: You like Israel?

John Boehner: Yes.

The Rock Obama: Oh, maybe you should go visit Israel.

[The Rock Obama throws John Boehner out of the window.]

You, Tom Cotton.

[Cut to Tom Cotton]

Come here.

[Tom Cotton walks to The Rock Obama.]

Tom Cotton: Okay.

[Cut to Tom Cotton and The Rock Obama]

The Rock Obama: You write letter to Iran?

Tom Cotton: I did, yes.

The Rock Obama: You like writing letters?

Tom Cotton: I guess.

The Rock Obama: How you write letter when you have no hand?

[The Rock Obama pulls off Tom Cotton’s hand]

Tom Cotton: Oh! Oh, god!

The Rock Obama: Watch, this. Obama from downtown.

[The Rock Obama throws Tom Cotton’s hand into the bin like scoring in basketball.]

Break! Okay, you go now.

[Tom Cotton jumps out of the window himself.] [Cut to Ted Cruz and The Rock Obama.]

You! Ted Cruz!

Ted Cruz: Alright.

The Rock Obama: Come, sit next to president.

[Ted Cruz sits near The Rock Obama]

Ted Cruz: Yes?

The Rock Obama: You shut down government? Very rude! The Rock Obama polite, so I ask, please, may I crush your head?

Ted Cruz: Oh, no!

[The Rock Obama is crushing Ted Cruz’s head] [Cut to Michelle Obama walking in]

Michelle Obama: Barack, stop!

[cut to Michelle Obama, Ted Cruz and The Rock Obama]

The Rock Obama: Oh, just kidding. Me no crush his head. Just tear it off.

Ted Cruz: Oh-oh!

Michelle Obama: Senator, you better go.

Ted Cruz: Okay, bye-bye.

[Ted Cruz runs out] [Agent walks in]

Agent: Excuse me Mr. President.

[Cut to The Rock Obama]

The Rock Obama: Yes, agent.

[Cut to Agent]

Agent: I’m afraid we have another little oopsie due over at the secret service. Turns out there has been a mentally ill vagrant living in the White House garden for the last two months.

[Cut to Agent and Michelle Obama]

Michelle Obama: [yelling] Are you kidding me? My garden?
[Michelle Obama is screaming and grunting] [Cut to The Rock Obama]

The Rock Obama: Easy Michelle!

[Cut to Michelle Obama’s back. Her dress and shoes are being torn like The Hulk.] [Cut to She Rock Obama screaming and grunting] [Cut to The Rock Obama]

The Rock Obama: Barack not only one. There’s also “She Rock Obama”

[Cut to Agent and She Rock Obama]

She Rock Obama: You try to protect us, but who will protect you?

[She Rock Obama pulls off Agent’s arm. Agent faints.] [Cut to She Rock Obama and The Rock Obama]

The Rock Obama: Michelle, high-five! Ah! Being president is fun.

The Rock Obama and She Rock Obama: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!