Tag: Vin Diesel

AMC Theatres Commercial

Vin Diesel… Beck Bennett

Anya Taylor-Joy

[Starts with AMC theater’s intro]

Male voice: And now, a message from AMC theaters.

[Cut to Vin Diesel driving a car]

Vin Diesel: It’s been a while. For the past year, the roads have been a little empty. But we’re starting to see the promise of a new day.

[Cut to Vin Diesel]

Yo, I’m Vin Diesel. For more than 100 years, there’s one place where we all came together to be entertained, the movies. There’s nothing like it. The popcorn, the previews, the pretzels, and don’t forget, the movies. I’m talking the tickets, the butter. It’s really amazing. Ah! We’ve been home for too long. It’s time to get back to the carpets, the cup holders, the arm rests, the napkins. When the movie’s not loud enough, when the movie’s a little too loud, I guess you could say there’s something for everybody, only at the movies.

[Cut to Anya at the movie theater.]

Anya: AMC is proud to partner with Vin Diesel to welcome audiences back to see “Fast 9” the way it was meant to be seen, on the big screen on the AMC–

[Vin Diesel walks in]

Vin Diesel: [interrupting] The straws, the sticky floors, the $8 bottle of water, the nachos, the hand dryer in the bathroom that’s louder than a choo-choo train, [Anya silently walks out] the second concession stand that’s never been open, the little boy at the urinal with his pants all the way down, the bird that’s trapped inside the lobby. It’s truly incredible. That’s right. I’m talking bout the movies. The butter machine that shoots out something that doesn’t look like butter. The Aerosmith arcade game. The garbage that has a hole that’s little too small to put in garbage in. That’s the movies.

Have you ever seen a movie? It’s amazing. The music, the heavy doors, the pre-show video where you’re out of roller coaster, the little trivia game on screen before the movie. You have to be pretty dumb to get the answer wrong. And I always do. Are the movies back? Ha-ha-ha-ha. You tell me. The stories, the way the hallway stinks, the waving to your dad to show him where you’re sitting in the theater, the snacks you hid in your mom’s purse, yum, the weird feeling you get when you see a movie early in the day and you come outside and the sun’s still out, weird, the cardboard cut outs, the taking a picture with Garfield so you could remember you saw Garfield, that’s the movies. And you know what? It’s good to be back.

[Anya walks in]

Anya: Yeah, actually we do require you to wear a mask inside.

Vin Diesel: It’s time to go home. Watch a movie at home with no mask. It’s amazing.

Weekend Update- Vin Diesel Releases Song

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner.]

 Colin Jost: Mitch McConnell seen here calmly watching an injured puppy try to cross a busy highway, said that the senate would move forward with a vote on Trump’s supreme court nominee even though he denied Obama’s nominee a vote in Michael Che0Colin Jost6. And if that makes you angry at Mitch McConnell, you’re going to be really upset when you find out your anger sexually excites him.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Tennessee Titans logo at right top corner.]

 Michael Che: That’s gross. The Tennessee Titans halted in person wokouts after three players tested positive for the coronavirus. Well, I guess we’ve got to cancel the whole season and forget it ever happened, said the New York Jets.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says ‘woman arrested for importing bull semen’ at left top corner.]

 Colin Jost: This is fun. A Canadian was fined more than $Michael Che5,000 for illegally importing bull semen. Meanwhile, in the US, bull semen is sold legally under the name ‘White Claw’. [Picture changes to three cans of White Claw soda.]

[Picture changes to a news article that says ‘New law making boards of directors more diverse’.]

A new law has been passed in California requiring companies to have more diversity in their board of directors, which is how I forced my way on to the board of BET. “BET, there’s gonna be some changes around here.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a lizard at right top corner.]

 Michael Che: The CDC reported that there’s a salmonella outbreak involving people who had pet bearded dragons. So, if you have one at home, remember to cook them all the way through.

[Picture changes to Vin Diesel]

Actor Vin Diesel has released a dance music song called “Feel like I do.” And look, I know a lot of people are making fun of him and saying it’s terrible and he should stick to acting…

[Michael Che looks away]

[Cut to Colin Jost. He is waiting for Michael Che to finish. There’s a picture of Pogo stick at left top corner.]

 Colin Jost: A seven year old boy in Pennsylvania set a new world record by bouncing on a pogo stick over Michael Che,000 times in a row. Said the boys parents, “Open the schools!”

Weekend Update on Vin Diesel Receiving Honorary Degree

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Vin Diesel at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Hunter College has announced that they will give an honorary degree to actor Vin Diesel. Diesel says he can’t wait to find out whether the degree is in Fahrenheit or Celsius.

[Picture changes to Best Buy logo]

Electronic store Best Buy has changed their logo in order to get more modern. The logo went from this to this. [Picture changes to amazon logo]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of police car at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Police arrested a legless woman in Florida who was wanted for skipping accord date. It’s a rare case of legless person skipping. [audience laughing]

[Picture changes to Yale University]

I’m not above that joke at all. Police said Yale University interrogated a black graduate student after a white student reported her for sleeping in the common room. So, if you’re black and you go to Yale, stay woke. And I feel like the next time a scary white lady calls a cops on an innocent black person, we should get something, right? I don’t know, like, 50 bucks? Call it “The Meghan Tax.” That way when black people hear siren, we can be like, “Oh, cool. I’mma make rent.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Starbucks at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The CEO of Starbucks said that no one would ever again be forced to buy an item before using one of their restrooms. At least that’s what the guys who cleans the Starbucks bathroom wrote in his suicide note.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a moose at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Officers in Colorado are searching for the man who was reportedly harassing a moose by chasing it down the street. Said the man, “I like my girls thick.”

Hollywood Game Night

Jane Lynch… Kate McKinnon

Kelly… Venessa Bayer

Vin Diesel… Taran Killam

Wynonna Judd… Aidy Bryant

Common … Jay Pharoah

Eddie… Kyle Mooney

Nick Offerman… Beck Bennett

Marion Cotillard… Cecily Strong

Wanda Sykes… Taraji P. Henson

[Starts with Hollywood Game Night intro]

[Cut to the game stage]

Jane Lynch: Yes! Yes! You’re watching Hollywood Game Night. I am Jane Lynch. Men’s warehouse was right. I do like the way I look. Here’s how the show works. We pair two regular people with celebrities and they play series of dumb games for a chance to win $25,000. Let’s meet the team from Tulsa, it’s Kelly.

[Cut to Kelly]

Kelly: Woo! Let’s do this, Jane!

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Settle! Playing for Kelly from Furious 7, we got Vin Diesel.

[Cut to Vin Diesel]

Vin Diesel: No. I’m Vin Diesel.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Yikes! Yikes! Country music legend, Wynonna Judd.

[Cut to Wynonna Judd]

Wynonna Judd: Oh, am I on TV? Well, let me brush my hair so I look good for mama. Oh, not to brag, but this is the same brush they use on horses.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: And finally we got Oscar winning musician, Common.

[Cut to Common]

Common: I play tonight on behalf of every black man who was ever struggle. Look how far we’ve come, brothers. Here I am, on top of the mountain.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Whoof! Keep climbing. Alright, we’re gonna meet our other team, it’s Eddie.

[Cut to Eddie]

Eddie: Hey, Jane. I’m psyched to be here.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: And I am psyched to be done with Glee. Yes! Playing for Eddie from Parks and Recreation, it’s Nick Offerman and his mustache.

[Cut to Nick Offerman]

Nick Offerman: What? It’s back? I shaved it 10 minutes ago.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: French actress and Oscar winner, the beautiful Marion Cotillard.

[Cut to Marion Cotillard]

Marion Cotillard: Oh, Jane, that’s so nice of you. In France, I am considered 7, but here in America I am… um, you see… 300!

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Yeah. And finally stand up comedy legend, we got Wanda Sykes.

[Cut to Wanda Sykes]

Wanda Sykes: That’s right. I am a legend. The hell am I doing here?

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Alright, let’s get into our first game. It’s called Hollywoof. We’ll take a movie poster, replace the actors with dogs and you guess the film. That’s a real game that will be played by the millionaires. Let’s see the clue, time starts now.

[A poster of Titanc appears on the game screen, but the actors are replaced by the dogs.]

[Cut to Vin Diesel]

Vin Diesel: I got this! Dog Boat!

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Wynonna Judd]

Wynonna Judd: Jane, I know the answer and I’d like to give it in the form of a 7 minute song about the lord. [singng] He left me up…

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Common. Do you know the movie?

[Cut to Common]

Common: Selma.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Unrecognized once again! Why not Selma? That is the question we have been asking ourselves! But we must be brave this day. Glory!

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: My god! It’s Titanic! Oh! Eddie’s team, the next game is called Namous Fames. We jumbled the letters of celebrities’ names and you guess who it is. It’s created by the adults who were fed up of their work. Here’s the clue, time starts now.

[The screen shows “Brad Ttip” on the screen.]

Nick Offerman, you’re up!

[Cut to Nick Offerman. He has more mustache now.]

What the hell?

Nick Offerman: Jane, it appears my mustache is still growing. It cannot be stopped. And Jane, it’s angry.

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Marion Cotillard]

Marion Cotillard: I do not know the answer, but we simply must win because if we lose I will cry, and when I cry, I cry in French like this.

[The video turns black and white and has old movie effect]

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Wanda, you’re a smart woman. Tell me who this is.

[Cut to Wanda Sykes]

Wanda Sykes: This is so easy. You got an A, B, R and A. Couple of Ts, so it’s obvious who that is. it’s Raba TT.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Who is Raba TT?

[Cut to Wanda Sykes]

Wanda Sykes: I don’t know. You wrote the clue! Tall ass white lady asking me who Raba TT is.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: The answer is Brad freaking Pitt. Okay, since no one’s done anything right, it’s time for the tie breaker. Each team picks a celebrity to represent them. Kelly.

[Cut to Kelly and Vin Diesel]

Kelly: I’ll go with Vin Diesel because he’s breathing so hard. I think he needs to get up and move around.

[Cut to Eddie’s team]

Eddie: I’m gonna pick Wanda Sykes.

Wanda Sykes: Yeah, of course you do. Looking at this sad ass couch, I would have picked me too.

[Cut to everybody. Vin Diesel and Wanda Sykes walk to Jane Lynch.]

Jane Lynch: Alright, here’s the game. I’m gonna give you the beginning of a movie quote, you finish it. Oh, Vin baby, you’re first. Let’s do this. Luke, I am your…

Vin Diesel: Worst nightmare!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Jane Lynch: Okay. Wanda, Wanda, Wanda. Finish the line. I feel the need, the need…

Wanda Sykes: To leave. I don’t like the way this man is looking at me. He looks like a big toe on a t-shirt. All these people be crazy… which is inside of my new stand up special coming soon to HBO, yeah baby!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Jane Lynch: Alright. Enough! Enough! This has been Hollywood Game Night. I’m Jane Lynch and I’m getting out of here right this second. Boom!

[End]