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Weekend Update Impeachment Hearing Testimony

[Starts with “Weekend Update” intro]

Announcer: It’s “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update”. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Marie Yoganovitch at left top corner.]

Former US ambassador Marie Yoganovitch testified yesterday at the impeachment hearing, and you know she made Trump nervous because he tweeted this during her testimony—[Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet] “Everywhere Marie Yovanovitch went turned bad. She started off in Somalia. How did that go?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, as long as we’re talking about track records, Trump started off in Atlantic city. [Picture changes to an article “Trump Taj Mahan files for bankrupcy”.]  How did that go?

[Picture changes to Fox News logo]

Even Fox News saw that attacking Yovanovitch was a bad move.

[Cut to Fox News debate]

Female Speaker: Should the president be tweeting at her mid-hearing? No. It makes him look like a big dumb baby.

[Cut to Colin Jost.]

Colin Jost: That’s what they’re saying on his favorite channel. That’s like if your kid turned on Nickelodeon and Dora was like, “Hey, you’ll never learn to read, fatty.”

Republicans like Jim Jordan, [Picture changes to Jim Jordan] who is still getting the hang of smiling, tried to discredit the impeachment investigation unrelated conspiracy theories including [Picture changes to Devin Nunes] Devin Nunes’ claim that democrats are only seeking nude photos of Trump which I wish was true. Because it would be so fun to see those pictures leak and then hear Trump describe his body as perfect. [Picture changes to Donald Trump’s tweet saying “My body is perfect!”] Trust me, no one is looking for naked pictures of Donald Trump. I googled “Donald Trump nudes”, and google said, “You take your nasty ass to Bing.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of impeachment hearing at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Wow, you said it, Colin. That impeachment hearing was crazy. I was watching it at home like we were supposed to and I was like, “What?” I didn’t watch it, per say, but I got the just of it just now when you was talking about it. Can I be honest? I don’t think I care [Picture changes to Donald Trump] if Donald Trump is actually guilty. I just want something happen to him. Hypothetically if you found out for a fact that Trump was actually innocent but they were sending him to jail anyway, would you mind? See, I wouldn’t mind. Is that fair?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rudy Giuliani at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Rudolph Giuliani is reportedly even telling people that he’s launching podcast but the people he’s been telling just stand there quietly in the department store. [The picture changes to Rudy Giuliani talking to the store mannequins]

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Lawyers for president Trump have filed an appeal to the supreme court to keep his tax returns secret. So, you know they’re bad. This is like if your girlfriend asked to see your texts and you just threw your phone in the ocean.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Roger Stone at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Yesterday, Roger Stone was found guilty of multiple federal crimes. I don’t know if you remember but this guy once put on an ad on the internet looking for muscular, well hung black men. So, jackpot.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Sean Spicer dancing on a stage at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And sad news this week. Sean Spicer was eliminated from “Dancing with the stars.” I know. It’s hard, yeah. President Trump tweeted his support for Spicer saying, “A great try by Sean. We’re all proud of you!” But Sean, if you’re watching, no, we’re not.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Steven Miller at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Steven Miller has been accused of promoting white nationalism in a series of 900 emails he sent to Breitbart. Isn’t it funny that it’s always guys who look like this that are promoting white supremacy? He looks like he dresses up as his mother to commit knife murders. I feel like if you’re going to be white supremacist, you should look like Colin, [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their set] at least, right?

Colin Jost: What?

Michael Che: I mean if I was trying to prove the superiority of the Arian race, I wouldn’t use Steven Miller’s face, I would use yours.

Colin Jost: You don’t have to make that point.

Michael Che: Don! Do a screen split of Colin and Steven Miller.

[Cut to split screen of Colin Jost live and a picture of Steven Miller.]

Colin Jost: Oh, you don’t have to do that. That’s not–

Michael Che: Audience, by round of applause. Who do you think Hitler would want to be friends with? [Colin Jost is laughing] Steven Miller or Colin Jost?

Colin Jost: Can you just stop it?

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their set]

Michael Che: Just take the compliment, bro. You’re beautiful.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, thank you.

Weekend Update Jeff Sessions on His Trump-Friendly Campaign Ads

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Colin Jost

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: Last week, former Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced a bid to regain his Alabama senate seat by releasing an ad campaign, “so complimentary of Trump” that many called it ‘groveling and pathetic’. Here to comment, Jeff sessions.

[Jeff Sessions joins Colin Jost.]

Jeff Sessions: Hello, Colin. Jeff. It’s good to be here.

Colin Jost: Mr. Sessions, welcome back. I’m so excited to talk about your campaign.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, me too. But actually, do you mind if I have a little bite of food before we start?

[Jeff Sessions takes a big fruit out and starts chewing]

Colin Jost: What is that, senator?

[Cut to Jeff Sessions]

Jeff Sessions: Oh, this is a sesame seed. Just like the kind that was on Mr. Trump’s big mac buns.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Jeff Sessions]

Colin Jost:  I have to say, it sounds like you really miss him.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, I do, I do. But I know he still cares about me. See, don’t forget, [Cut to Jeff Sessions] I was the very first person to endorse Mr. Trump. I’m a pioneer. Like Neil Armstrong. Only instead of flying to the moon, I dug straight down to hell.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Jeff Sessions]

Colin Jost: A lot of people are saying that you’re just kind of sucking up to the president.

Jeff Sessions: Sucking up? No. Does this sound like sucking up to you?

[Cut to Jeff Sessions doing his commercial live]

Hello. I’m Jeff Sessions and I love you, Mr. Trump. When you fired me, did I write some nasty tell-all book? No. Did I get mad when you called me Mr. Magoo but Fuglier? No. when you called animal control on me, well, I just got in that little cage. So, vote for Jeff Sessions, because I will bend over backwards for you, Alabama, and I will bend over forward for Mr. Trump.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Jeff Sessions]

Colin Jost: Jeff. Come on!

Jeff Sessions: That was pretty good.

Colin Jost: Pretty good? It felt like a message from a hostage video. A lot of people are saying you have Stockholm syndrome.

[Cut to Jeff Sessions]

Jeff Sessions: Well, that’s a damn lie. I do not have Stockholm syndrome.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Jeff Sessions]

Colin Jost: I just don’t understand– I don’t understand a couple of things. I don’t understand why you would want the approval of someone who has called you some pretty harsh names?

Jeff Sessions: OH, Colin, hush your mouth. We buried that hatchet in my latest ad. Look at this.

[Cut to Jeff Sessions doing his commercial live]

Hello, I’m Jeff Sessions, or as my hero Mr. Trump has called me, dumb Southerner, Dumb Ass Southerner, Dumb Southerner Dumb Ass, Deep fried idiot, two shrimps short of a gum and messed up baby. And I forgot where I was going with this but I will fight for you, Alabama, and I will let you hunt me for sport, Mr. Trump.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Jeff Sessions]

Colin Jost: Jeff, come on. Where is your dignity? How do you sleep at night?

Jeff Sessions: Why I would sheep at night? That’s when everybody throws out their apple cores.

Colin Jost: I think these ads are making you look kind of weak, you know? One conservative pundit recently asked if you still had your balls.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, no. I rescued myself from them a long time ago.

[Cut to Jeff Sessions. He wears Trump’s red hat.]

Mr. Trump, please look after my balls. Keep them safe in your jacket pocket next to Mitch McConnell’s or dangling off your golf cart like a pair of nuts. In conclusion, vote for me and I will go to back for Alabama and I’ll go to third base for you Mr. Trump.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Jeff Sessions]

Colin Jost: No, you’re not gonna win.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, fine! He can round the basement.

Colin Jost: Jeff Sessions everyone.

Jeff Sessions: This is my legacy. This is my legacy.

Weekend Update Scooter Rineholdt

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set.]

Michael Che: This week it was announced that Dean Foods, America’s largest diary milk producer is filing for bankruptcy. Here to comment is Dean Food’s president of milk distribution, Scooter Rineholdt.

[Scooter Rineholdt joins Michael Che.]

Scooter Rineholdt: Hey! Got an ice cold cow’s milk for you. That’s a good stuff right there.

Michael Che: No thanks. I’m good.

Scooter Rineholdt: So, they got you, too, huh Che? There is nothing wrong with drinking cow’s milk, okay? [Cut to Scooter Rineholdt] I don’t know where these rumors came from. “Dairy is bad for you.” “Cows don’t like it when you touch their boobies.” It’s just not true, Che!

[Cut to Scooter Rineholdt and Michael Che.]

Michael Che:  Whoa. Scooter, calm down, man.

Scooter Rineholdt: Hey, cow’s milk is good for you. [Cut to Scooter Rineholdt] It makes your bones strong and your teeth white.

[Cut to Scooter Rineholdt and Michael Che.]

Michael Che: Hey, Scooter, you okay, man? \
Scooter Rineholdt: Am I okay? [Cut to Scooter Rineholdt] My company is going freaking bankrupt and my wife is porking the mayor. This freaking sucks!  [Cut to Scooter Rineholdt and Michael Che.] Che, ask me something useful before I blow my brains all over your pretty little desk.

Michael Che: Alright, you got– Calm– Okay. Has the milk industry maybe tried some healthier alternatives?

Scooter Rineholdt: No doy, Che. [Cut to Scooter Rineholdt] We use skim, nonfat, little fat, and even one with no lactose. The dairy industry has always been there for you guys. Now because of some nut job out there, everybody is trying these non-dairy milks. I’d rather drink my own piss.

[Cut to Scooter Rineholdt and Michael Che.]

Michael Che: I understand you’re upset but there are some pretty good-tasting and healthy alternative.

Scooter Rineholdt: Oh! Is that right, Che? Good for you, you say? It’s clear someone doesn’t read the news. Isn’t that like your whole deal? You’re like the informed news guy?

Michael Che: What news are you talking about?

Scooter Rineholdt: This was actually all over the web the other day. [Cut to Scooter Rineholdt] Swear to god. “Man quits drinking dairy, goes to bed, never wakes up.” Gees!

[Cut to Scooter Rineholdt and Michael Che.]

Michael Che: What?

Scooter Rineholdt: I mean you hate to see that.

Michael Che: Are you saying not drinking dairy caused a man to die?

[Cut to Scooter Rineholdt]

Scooter Rineholdt: I’m not saying anything but you know, kinda scary, right Che?

[Cut to Scooter Rineholdt and Michael Che.]

Michael Che: Maybe you need to just accept that times are changing okay?

Scooter Rineholdt: Are they, Che? People are out here still eating cheese. [Cut to Scooter Rineholdt] Cheese industry going just fine. Meanwhile, I’m going broke. Kind of. Kind of makes me want to blow my dang brains out all over your pretty little desk.

[Cut to Scooter Rineholdt and Michael Che.]

Michael Che: Hey man, you got to stop saying that, man. Chill.

Scooter Rineholdt: [Yelling] You don’t tell me to chill!

[Cut to Scooter Rineholdt]

There’s all these news about alternative milks. Scaring me, Michael.

[Cut to Scooter Rineholdt and Michael Che.]

Michael Che: You got another news story.

Scooter Rineholdt: Yeah, man. Right here. Wild stuff. [Cut to Scooter Rineholdt] “Pregnant woman drinks oat milk, kid goes blind.

[Cut to Scooter Rineholdt and Michael Che.]

I don’t like that.

Michael Che: Where are you getting these stories?

Scooter Rineholdt: www.milkdaddy.net/importantnews.

[Phone beeping]

Oh, gosh! Breaking news, eh? [Cut to Scooter Rineholdt] “Toddler drinks soy milk, joins ISIS”? And they say guns are a problem.

[Cut to Scooter Rineholdt and Michael Che.]

Michael Che: Scooter Rineholdt, everybody. For “Weekend Update”, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

Weekend Update Trump Moves to Florida

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with “Weekend Update” intro.]

Announcer: It’s “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Speaker 1: Thanks, good evening, everyone.

Speaker 2: Welcome to “Weekend Update.” I’m Michael Che.

Speaker 1: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

President Trump announced that he’s changing his permanent residence from New York to Florida. ‘Cause you know what they say, if you can’t drain the swamp, move to it. I gotta say, this is such a genius troll move that Trump raised taxes for New Yorkers and then left New York. It’s like ripping one in an elevator, then pressing all the buttons and running out. Trump also said he’s leaving New York because local politicians have treated him very badly. Especially one New York politician [Picture changes to Rudy Giuliani] who has been actively destroying his life.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Speaker 2: I don’t blame Trump for moving. He got booed today in New York at the UFC fight. He got booed in DC at the world series. Now, he’s moving to Florida so he can get booed at Disney World. He gets booed everywhere he’s ever lived. I mean, [Picture changes to Bill Cosby] even Cosby can still play Philly. You have to be a special kind of guy for New Yorkers to unanimously hate you. I mean, we’ve put up with a lot of bad people. Just today I had a fellow yell the “N” word at me on the subway with a hard “E-R”, and even still I don’t hate him. I just finished peeing and switched cars.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Nancy Pelosi at left top corner.]

Speaker 1: [laughing] Today? The house formalized impeachment inquiry on Thursday. And while it’s the tradition for the speaker of the house not to vote on resolutions, Nancy Pelosi did vote ‘Yes’ to make a point. But I think she went a little too far. When she celebrated world cup style.

[Picture changes to Beto O’Rourke]

Beto O’Rourke announced he’s dropping out of 2020 presidential race. Said Beto, “Ay, Caramba, no I presidente power me.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a wildfire at right top corner.]

Speaker 2: Well, you know things are bad when a whole state is on fire and it’s like, the third biggest story of the week. It’s been reported now the most recent wildfires in the Southern California is threatening millions of dollars worth of avocados. White women are devastated. The state is allowing nonviolent prisoners to help fight the wildfires which is ridiculous because you definitely want to use the violent prisoners for that, right? I mean, if my house is on fire, don’t send me those fellows in for tax frauds. Send me somebody that’s going to make that fire their bitch. Somebody that’s really good with water because they spend all their time hanging out in the showers. [Michael Che crosses his joke on his paper] Nope! Can’t say that.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rudy Giuliani at left top corner.]

Speaker 1: It was reported that just after president Trump named Rudy Giuliani as his cyber security adviser in 2017. Giuliani went to an Apple store for help after he entered the wrong password in his phone 10 times and permanently locked himself out. Even worse, he went to this apple store. [Picture changes to a fruit shop] By the way, of course Giuliani’s iPhone wouldn’t unlock, because even Apple’s face ID couldn’t recognize the man Rudy has become.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a Jeffrey Epstein at right top corner.]

Speaker 2: A forensic pathologist hired by Jeffrey Epstein’s family is claiming that this death was not a suicide, but that he was murdered. [Suspicious sound played by the studio] That costs us 250 grand. Everybody he’s a crazy conspiracy for this fellow’s death. Oh, the Clintons had him killed, Trump had him killed, the Russians did it. Anything but the boring story that he broke his own neck trying to masturbate with a belt. [Suspicious sound played by the studio] [Michael Che laughing]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Katie Hill at left top corner.]

Speaker 1: Freshman representative Katie Hill resigned amid allegations that she had an affair with a staff member who had a three way relationship with Hill and her former husband. It’s a shame because Hill was a rare politician who could help two parties come together.

[Picture changes to Elizabeth Warren.]

Elizabeth Warren released a detailed plan for funding medicare for all that promises not to raise middle class taxes by one penny, but instead by several trillion pennies.

Weekend Update Smokery Farms Responds to the Plant-Based Burger Boom

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Vaneta Starkie… Aidy Bryant

Wylene Starkie… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: Burger King reportedly had it’s best sales in four years because of the new impossible whooper which is made from a meat free, plant based patty. Here to respond, are owners of Smokery Farms Meat Gift delivery service, Vaneta and Wylene Starkie.

[Vaneta and Wylene Starkie come in]

Vaneta Starkie: We’re cousins. We’re cousins.

Colin Jost: Welcome back, guys. Has the impossible burger hurt sales of real meat?

Wylene Starkie: Well, it ain’t helping, Colin. Okay? This computer beef that bleeds like the real thing is killing us.

[Cut to Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]

Vaneta Starkie: Yes, plus more and more folks are going vegan because they see videos of cute smart animals on videos like new born piglet and Joey’s bath.

Wylene Starkie: Or genius goat blows kisses at grandma.

Vaneta Starkie: But at smoker farms we solved that problem by serving meat from animals that are individually verified to be stupid, bad, rude and talent-free.

Wylene Starkie: Yeah! Now, you want to see the meat gifts, Colin?

[Cut to Colin Jost, Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]

Colin Jost: The meat gifts? No, I’m okay. No! Oh, you brought them.

Wylene Starkie: Oh, yeah. Look at this beautiful bounty.

[Cut to a basket of meat Vaneta and Wylene Starkie have.]

[Cut to Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]

Vaneta Starkie: This cow chased an old lady into a pond. And she later passed away. Not from that, but it didn’t help. And now, he’s burger.

Wylene Starkie: Now, did you ever hear the duck who befriended a blind boy. Well this is his brother. A duck that ran around with his thing hanging out. You ever see a duck thing, Colin?

[Cut to Colin Jost, Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]

Colin Jost: Duck thing, no I haven’t.

Vaneta Starkie: Oh, it looks like a drain snake. [Cut to Vaneta and Wylene Starkie] Go ahead and eat his wings and celebrate his demise.

Wylene Starkie: Now, you know, people say that pigs are highly intelligent animals. Capable of puzzles and simple math. Well, we found this one eating turds. Just slopping ‘em up like spaghetti, looking us right in the eye, like, “You like what you see?”

Vaneta Starkie: But hey, if you still feel too sad to eat something with a fuzzy face, take a half step and go pescatarian with our coast taster basket.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]

[They bring a basket of fish in]

Wylene Starkie: Oh, yum. Oh, yum, look at these dead little swimmers. Oh, Colin, look at that. Look at the sheen on there.

Colin Jost: Yeah! I see the sheen, yeah.

[Cut to Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]

Wylene Starkie: Well, good, that’s how you know it’s wet.

Vaneta Starkie: And you know our fish got good flavor because it glistens and it stinks.

Wylene Starkie: Hey, listen. Fish are barely animals, okay? They’re stupid and I’ll tell you, they can’t even hug. Like this Alaskan King crab here, who refused to wear a condom because he says it messes with his flow. Now, go ahead and funk his ass in butter and suck the meat out.

Vaneta Starkie: This tender flounder is as flat as he thought the earth was.

Wylene Starkie: Now, this eel, he doesn’t go down. But it expects you to. Now, how does that work? Okay. Now you can eat his whole dang beautiful smelly body with a squeeze of lemon.

Vaneta Starkie: This oyster’s whole body is snot. And if you eat it, he makes you feel frisky.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]

Wylene Starkie: Now, are you feeling frisky, Colin?

Vaneta Starkie: Are we kind of getting you hot over here, Colin?

Colin Jost: No, I actually feel pretty sick.

Wylene Starkie: Yeah, well that’s part of it, sweetheart.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, but none of these stories sound like they’re real.

Wylene Starkie: Oh, well, you a big fish boy, Colin?

Colin Jost: No, no!

Vaneta Starkie: You a cod licker?

Wylene Starkie: You cuckoo for cod, baby?

Vaneta Starkie: How about Michael Che?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: It’s so bad even for me.

Colin Jost: Vaneta and Wylene, everyone.

[Cut to everybody]

For “Weekend Update”, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Kid Genius Riley Jenson

Riley Jensen… Melissa Villaseñor

Riley’s Mom… Heidi Gardner

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set.]

Michael Che: A plane sent to space by the air force returned to earth. Here to talk about it is kid genius Riley Jensen.

[Riley Jenson comes in]

Riley’s Mom: Mama is going to be right over here.

Riley Jensen: Thanks, mom. Hi, everybody. Mr. Che, thanks for having me. [laughing]

Michael Che: Thanks for being here, Riley. What’s it like to be a kid genius?

[Cut to Riley Jensen]

Riley Jensen: Just like a regular kid, only sometimes I go on TV.

[Cut to Michael Che and Riley Jensen]

Michael Che: All right. Well, I hear you really know your stuff, so what can you tell me about this space plane?

Riley Jensen: What can’t I tell you? [Cut to Riley Jensen] The X37-B spacecraft measures 29 by 9.5 feet with a wing span of 15 feet.

[Cut to Michael Che and Riley Jensen]

Michael Che: Wow, that’s pretty big.

Riley Jensen: You bet. And Michael, you know what’s really cool? [Cut to Riley Jensen] The X37-B is one of the first unmanned spacecraft to land horizontal on a runway.

[Cut to Michael Che and Riley Jensen]

Michael Che: Whoa, cool. How does it do that?

[Cut to Riley Jensen. She doesn’t know the answer.]

Riley Jensen: Umm, what?

[Cut to Michael Che and Riley Jensen]

Michael Che: You said it lands horizontal. How does that do?

[Cut to Riley Jensen. She doesn’t know the answer.]

Riley Jensen: Uh, I—Uh—I don’t know.

[Cut to Michael Che and Riley Jensen]

Michael Che: That’s okay. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.

Riley Jensen: No, it’s okay. [Cut to Riley Jensen.] Sometimes even geniuses make mistakes.

[Riley’s mom comes in.]

Riley’s Mom: You’re blowing it.

Riley Jensen: This guy’s throwing me curve balls, mom.

Riley’s Mom: Baby, these are softballs and you’re whiffing hard. Okay, you know what? That’s it, we’re canceling “Ellen”.

Riley Jensen: No, no, don’t. If you can’t handle Che, Ellen’s going to eat you alive.

[Riley’s mom leaves]

[Cut to Michael Che and Riley Jensen]

Michael Che: Is everything okay, Riley?
Riley Jensen: I’m great. That was my mom. She’s so funny.

Michael Che: Okay, well this is impressive. I hear you know the names of every planet in the galaxy.

Riley Jensen: Yep. All eight.

Michael Che: Well, eight would be our solar system. The galaxy has billions, right?

[Cut to Riley Jensen]

Riley Jensen: Oh, right, I knew that.

[Riley’s mom comes in again.]

Riley’s Mom: You’re bombing.

Riley Jensen: This guy is going off script, mom?

Riley’s Mom: Baby, you look like a normal kid, I want you to know that.

[Cut to Michael Che, Riley Jensen and her mom.]

Michael Che: Alright, I was given some flash cards to quiz you. But I think we should maybe just wrap up this.

Riley’s Mom: No, no. We’re doing the flash cards.

Riley Jensen: Yeah, bring it on. I can do it.

Riley’s Mom: Come on, baby, make mama love you. Come on.

Michael Che: Oh, no! Okay. Riley, what planet is this?

[Michael Che has a picture of earth]

Riley Jensen: Easy, Saturn.

Michael Che: It’s actually earth.

Riley’s Mom: Damn it, get it together.

Riley Jensen: Hit me again, Che!

Michael Che: Okay. Well, how about this one?

[Michael Che has a picture of Saturn]

Riley Jensen: Moon?

Riley’s Mom: No, baby, come on, that’s it. You know what? You’re going to live with your dad.

Riley Jensen: No, he smokes!

Michael Che: Riley Jensen, everybody. I’m so sorry.

Riley Jensen: I’m not smart, I’m just polite.

Weekend Update Foie Gras Ban and 67-Year-Old Woman Gives Birth

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of New York city at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A law has been proposed in New York city banning the sale of the delicacy of Foie Gras which is traditionally made by force feeding ducks. So, in New York, it’s made whenever a pigeon falls into boiling hot dog water. [Picture changes to a hotdog stand]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a shark at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A 2,000 pound shark has recently been spotted swimming along the east coast. Not to be confused with the 2,000 pound shark recently spotted at a comedy show. [Picture changes to Harvey Weinstein.] A handsome fellow there.

[Picture changes to apple logo and emojis]

Apple has introduced nearly 60 new emoji characters including a skunk, an oyster, and a drop of blood, which coincidentally is the exact recipe for mountain dew.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of stair case from the movie Joker.]

Colin Jost: A staircase in Bronx that was featured in the movie Joker is becoming a major tourist attraction. Specially among couples where the girlfriend has no say. [Michael Che laughing]

[Picture changes to a university logo]

The university of Arizona announced that it will stop referring to itself as UA, and now be known as U. Arizona. Is it just me or does that U. Arizona sound like the punch line to a joke about Arizona stereotypes? Like, if you’ve even gotten a D.U.I. in a golf cart, you Arizona.

[Cut to Michael che. There’s a picture of a baby at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A 67-year-old woman in China gave birth this week. The birth set a record for most friction. See. No, no, see, cause you guys don’t realize it, but that joke took me like four hours to write. I had much better punch lines, but the fellows at NBC standards said they were all too dirty. Like, first I was going to say, “I hope that kid likes his milk chalky.” But they, they say you can’t say that on TV. It was my second favorite punch line. My first favorite being, “She can breast-feed just by standing over the crib.” That’s a good one, right? No, NBC said too gross. Which is ridiculous. Too gross would be like if I said, “Doctors described the birth as quote, ‘Like pulling a penny out of a wad of gum.’” That’s too gross. Even I wouldn’t tell that joke on TV.

Stargazing

Mikey Day

Aidy Bryant

Alex Moffat

Robert… Beck Bennett

Kristen Stewart

[Starts with five people on their stargazing hike.]

Mikey: All right, folks, I know the stargazing hike has been long.

Aidy: And fun as hell.

Alex: Yeah, we love this stuff.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: And I love this energy. But hey, how about this view? Not bad, huh?

[Cut to everybody]

Alex: Oh, yeah, this is a beautiful spot. You can see so much of the sky.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Exactly. That’s what makes so special. You can see so many constellations out here. So, let’s check it out?

[An elderly couple comes near them]

Robert: Oh! What a marvelous view. I can already see some of my favorites.

Mikey: Wow, I didn’t know we had an astronomy buff in the group.

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Kristen: Robert was in the navy. He says he always loves to sleep on the deck under the stars.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Wow, yeah, I bet that was quite the view.

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Robert: Oh, it was. We saw so much in that night sky.

[Cut to everybody]

Alex: Hey, can we see the big dipper from here?

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Yeah, actually I was just about to point that out. Just follow my finger, guys.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Oh, my god, that’s amazing. I love the constellations.

Alex: Yeah, yeah, the universe is just so amazing.

Robert: And look here, young man. Let me show the little dipper.

Alex: Whoa. Very cool. Thank you, sir.

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Kristen: If you look closely, you see that the two dippers teach the golden rule.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Really, I’ve never heard that.

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Aidy: Yeah, how did they teach the golden rule?

Robert: Golden rule, treat others how we would like to be treated, see?

[Cut to everybody]

[They draw a sexual position through constellation]

And see, they’re servicing each other.

Mikey: Oh, my god. Is that—Is that supposed to be—

Robert: Double simultaneous oral.

Alex: Yes. Gross. The dippers aren’t doing that.

Kristen: Oh, yes, they are. And they have been ever since I was a girl.

Robert: Yeah, I mean what do they even teach kids anymore?

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Well, definitely not that the dippers are servicing each other.

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Robert: Boo, crude virgin.

[Cut to everybody]

Mikey: Alright, that’s enough with the dippers, I think.

Aidy: Yeah, yeah, why don’t we look at something else?

Mikey: Yeah, well, if you look here, I’ll show you the constellation Leo. You guys see the lion?

Kristen: Ah. Yes, yes. But if we look closer we can learn a valuable lesson here.

[They draw a sexual position through constellation]

Robert: The greatest joy in life comes from helping a friend in need.

Mikey: Oh, my god. Come on, that’ disgusting.

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Kristen: Disgusting? Sucks to be his wife.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Well, I’m not married.

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Robert: Oh, I think I know why.

Kristen: You don’t go down. Am I right, ladies?

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Oh, oh, no. We’re more like him than you, okay?

Robert: Oh, look. I see Scorpius right over here.

Mikey: Yes, that’s actually right. You guys see how it’s a scorpion?

Robert: Oh, I see much more than that.

Aidy: Oh, please don’t. This one’s my favorite.

Robert: Mine too, see? It teaches an important lesson about the strength of partnership.

[They draw a sexual position through constellation]

Mikey: Is that—

Kristen: a man trying to reach himself, yes.

Mikey: What does that have to do with the strength of partnership?

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Robert: Because of no matter how hard a man tries, he’ll never be able to reach himself. For that kind of satisfaction, you need a partner.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Well, this sucks. Constellations are what I live for. And you horny old freaks have ruined it.

Alex: Yeah, you guys just look up at night and perv out on the stars?

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Kristen: Well, that’s what they’re for.

Robert: You see, in our day there was no internet to satiate our horns.

Kristen: We had to project our fantasies onto the stars.

Robert: Yes, we’d go outside as a group and stare at the stars until everyone screamed.

Kristen: Sweet husband, I—I want to scream at the stars right now.

Robert: I want to help you scream at the stars.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: What the hell is happening? My god!

Mikey: Right here? No one wants to see that.

Rosie the Riveter

Mikey Day

Beck Bennett

Rosie the Riveter… Chloe Fineman

Donna… Heidi Gardner

Dot… Kate McKinnon

Norma… Kristen Stewart

Barb… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a caption “America at War!”]

[Cut to old black and white video clips of armies]

Narrator: While the men fight in Germany, [Cut to video clip of women working in factories] America’s women head to the factory to do their part.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck walking out of the door]

Mikey: Well, sir, I am honored you chose our factory to find the face of your new campaign.

Beck: Then we can do it poster reads a girl who embodies the ‘can-do’ spirit of America’s women.

Mikey: Well, these girls have that in spades. This is Rosie the Riveter.

[Cut to Rosie the Riveter]

Rosie the Riveter: Pleased to meet you, sir.

[Cut to everybody]

Beck: Hmm. Rosie the Riveter. That’s got a nice ring to it.

Mikey: And here is Donna, a shell Shiner.

Donna: I shine them nice so that Germans see them coming.

Beck: Hmm, I like that spirit.

Mikey: And finally, we have our slug thumpers who do some of the heavier work.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Dot: There we go.

Norma: Whoa, whoa.

Barb: Open this son of a bitch. Keep fighting me, bitch, keep fighting me. That one was for you, Sammy.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck walking to the heavy workers]

Mikey: Ladies, may I have your attention.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Barb: Cram it, you coward.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Mikey: Every day with this, ladies.

Dot: Why ain’t you over there killing Nazis, coward?

Norma: Any man is dungarees should be over there.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Mikey: I told you I had asthma and was deemed unfit.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Barb: I got three sons over there fighting the krauts and one of them not more than 12 years old.

Norma: Yeah, you should be hanged.

Dot: Who is this fella?

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Beck: I’m from the army’s public relations board. We’re producing a poster to encourage more women to come work in the factories.

Mikey: He’s looking for a model.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Barb: Ooh, well, then look no further, there’s three of us right here, sir. I’m Barb, Norma and Dot.

Norma: Is this poster like a nudie thing or what? Because that’s perfectly fine with us.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Beck: No, no. it will be very classy.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Barb: Hey, if it helps boys overseas, I’ll take the twins out.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Beck: You would not be nude, ladies.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Dot: Look, if getting a look at our plumbing means our boys will put a few more krauts in the ground, I’ll drop trou. No problem.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Beck: It will just be a normal pose with the slogan, “We can do it.” Any ideas?

[Cut to Rosie the Riveter and Donna]

Rosie the Riveter: Maybe something like this?

Donna: Or this?

[Cut to everybody]

Beck: Say, those weren’t half bad.

Dot: Wait, wait! [Cut to three heavy workers] How about this? You’re gonna love it. Okay, wait! Imagine I’m Hitler, right?

Barb: I’m back here. And I got my cans out, smacking him and his stupid mustache pops right off.

Norma: And I’m the Statue of Liberty and I’ve got my jugs out.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Beck: And that would go with the slogan, “We can do it?”

Barb: I mean, unless you got something better.

Beck: Remember, this poster is meant to encourage women to join the war effort.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Barb: Any woman who ain’t already doing her part is a coward and a traitor.

Dot: Just like him.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Mikey: Oh, stop it. My asthma is very serious.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Barb: If they would just let us fight, the damage we could do.

Norma: I wish I was over there. I would find Hitler, I would strip him naked, march him across Poland with lucky strays up between his cheeks.

Dot: Yeah, yeah. I would take that Hitler and shove his head right up my ass until he was dead.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Beck: What?

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Barb: You know what I would do? I would shoot that Hitler eight times in the leg and then I would say, “You want one more?” And he would say, “Nein.” And I would say, coming right up. And bam! One more!

Norma: We got the job or what? Come on!

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Beck: I’m on the fence. Just kidding. I’m not. I’m scared of you. I’m going with Rosie.

Mikey: I’m sorry, ladies, but keep up the good work.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Dot: Would you mind holding this for a second? [Dot passes Mikey a hot metal ball]

Mikey: Sure. Ow!

Barb: Got you right, you coward.

Norma: You should be over there.

Dot: Do your part.

Mikey: Come on!

Barb: Coward!

New Paint

Beth… Aidy Bryant

Tom… Beck Bennett

Kristen Stewart

Johnny… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a clip of outside of house]

[Cut to inside the house.
[Beth is bringing snacks for Tom and Kristen]

Beth: Now this cheese is a Roquefort and a little bit of jam.

Tom: Yum, thanks sis. We’ve been so busy with the baby. it’s been forever since we’ve been here.

Kristen: Beth, your living room looks amazing. You painted.

Beth: I did.

Tom: Is it Benjamin Moore?

Beth: Benjamin Moore? [Cut to Beth] Baby brother, in this house I only use Farrow&Ball.

[Cut to everyone]

Kristen: Farrow&Ball, I don’t know that.

Beth: Oh, well you should. [Cut to Beth] It’s the high end British paint company that offers unparalleled depth in colour.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: Oh, nice.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Each of their 132 colours colors work beautifully in new homes, both old and new.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Kristen: It sounds like you’re saying the word color but with the “U” in it.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Well, I am. That colour on the baseboard there is named after the fossils often found on the Dorset coast. And the wall colour, well that’s “Nobel blue” named after the Swirling British mists. What a colour.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Kristen: Maybe we should try Farrow&Ball.

Tom: yeah, maybe we should. Is it expensive?

[Cut to everybody]

Beth: Well, it’s premium. I mean you’re paying for quality.

Tom: Yeah, but how much is it, like $50 a gallon?

Kristen: No, that’s crazy, it’s just paint.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: This is not just paint. It’s Farrow&Ball.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: Well, how much is it, Beth? $60?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: It’s $110 a gallon.

[Cut to everybody]

Tom: What! $110 for a can of paint, are you insane?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: No, I’m not insane.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: How much did it cost to paint this room, $800?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Well, you have to have the special primer, the brushes, and the factor in the shipping and the labour.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Kristen: They ship the paint? How much is that?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Well, you can’t just buy it anywhere. Look at the depth of colour.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: You can’t afford this, Charlotte. You are an out of work day bartender.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Wrong, I’m an aspiring estate manager.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Kristen: What is an estate manager?

Tom: She thinks she’s going to find a rich person and just live in their house. You are living in a dream world and you’ve painted it in that Jack Ass million dollar paint.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Don’t touch it! You’ll ruin it.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: You can’t touch the paint?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: No. The finish is delicate. Once it’s touched, it must be redone.

[Cut to Tom]

Tom: Do you have any of the money mom left you?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: No.

Tom: No?

Beth: I don’t mean no. I mean I don’t know.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: Don’t you rent this house?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: So? What does that mean?

[Cut to Tom]

Tom: It means you going to have to paint it back whatever colour– Now I’m saying it.

[Cut to everybody]

Kristen: Everyone just calm down.

Beth: He just wants me to live in Squalour.

[Johnny walks in]

Johnny: Can you guys all keep it down a little? I’m trying to sleep a little.

Tom: Who is this?

Beth: This is my friend.

Johnny: Johnny.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: Are you sleeping with him?

[Cut to Beth and Johnny]

Beth: Of course. We met on Facebook marketplace.

Johnny: Just a little quiet, you guys.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: Oh, my god. What is your life?

Kristen: Beth, we’re not mad, just a little worried about you.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Oh, don’t you effing judge me right now.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Kristen: Beth, I know we haven’t always gotten along, but we haven’t been around much because of the baby.

[Cut to everybody]

Beth: The baby’s not even his.

Tom: What?

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Kristen: Beth, that’s not what we’re talking about right now, we’re talking about Farrow&Ball.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: I’m not talking about Farrow&Ball anymore. I’m talking about how that baby has your trainer’s eyes.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: Are you drunk?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Yes! I was good for the first couple of minute buy yes, I am drunk. Now tell him.

[Cut to everybody]

Kristen: Beth!

Beth: Tell him. Look in his eyes, Tom.

Kristen: No, no, he’s sleeping, don’t look at his eyes.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Look at the colour of his eyes.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: Oh, my god, oh, my god.

Kristen: You’re dead.

[Cut to everybody]

Beth: Oh, you want to go, let’s go. Just don’t bump into the paint or you’ll ruin it.

[Beth and Kristen start fighting]

Tom: Go for it, Beth.

Female voice: Farrow&Ball, each colour tells a story.