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The View Pete Buttigieg | Season 44 Episode 21

Whoopie Goldberg… Leslie Jones

Abby Huntsman… Cecily Strong

Joe Behar… Kate McKinnon

Ana Navarro… Melissa Villaseñor

Meghan McCain… Aidy Bryant

Pete Buttigieg… Paul Rudd

Chasten Buttigieg… Beck Bennett

[Starts with The View intro]

Narrator: You’re watching The View. Can you believe they’re not mic’d?

[Cut to the set]

Whoopie Goldberg: Hello, hello. This is The View, the most high stakes brunch on television. [Cut to Whoopie] I’m Whoopie Goldberg. Later today we’ll be talking about dinosaurs, are they scary or they just silly? But up first is hot topics. [Cut to Whoopie and Abby] This week Alabama pass a near total ban on abortion. We’re about to pop off. We’ll start with Amy Huntsman.

Abby Huntsman:  Thanks, Whoop, it’s Abby but I can change it. [Cut to Abby] They’re calling this the war on women. I don’t think women should fight. I think women should be best friends like us. Right, Joy?

[Cut to Joe]

Joe Behar: Yeah, sure, sweetie. Listen, I want to talk about the guys who passed this bill. Maybe they’re so concerned with what happens to a six-week-old fetus because they all look like one. Blobby Nothings with beady eyes and big foreheads. They’re like, oh, my god, it’s me. What do you want? Laugh, don’t, I get paid the same.

[Cut to Ana]

Ana Navarro: This law is backwards. It is regressive. It is texting your ex, honey, you don’t want to do that. It’s backwards, it’s regressive. It is– Oh, no, I’m skipping.

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan McCain: Okay, can I talk now? Okay, I am the only daughter at this table. So, I have to say, these senators are actually very good and fun guys, so I am spending love to Clyde Chambliss, Shay Shelnutt and Garland Gujer. And those are all real names, okay? Please, please, guys, let me talk.

[Cut to Whoopie]

Whoopie Goldberg: No one else is talking.

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan McCain: Okay. You see, and I’m getting attacked, and as the person most upset right now, I am right.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe Behar: We got a live wire. Anything’s going to set her off.

[Cut to everybody. Whoopie is making noise juggling her coins.]

What, what?

Whoopie Goldberg: Down, down, no, down!

[Cut to Whoopie]

Our guest today is one of the many democrats running for president. He’s also the youngest. Please give it up for Pete Buttigieg.

[Pete Buttigieg walks in to the set]

Pete Buttigieg: Hello.

Joe Behar: Hi. How are you?

[Cut to Joe and Pete]

Pete Buttigieg: Well, I’m ready to work. See my exposed forearms?

[Cut to Whoopie]

Whoopie Goldberg: Now, I hear when you grow up, you want to be president.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Buttigieg: Well, I am grown up.

Everybody: Aww.

Pete Buttigieg: I may only be 37 years old but I do feel like I represent everyday Americans. I’m just a Harvard educated, Multilingual War Veteran Rhodes scholar. I’m just like you.

[Cut to Joe and Pete]

Joe Behar: Oh my god! So young, so impressive. Can you fix my phone? I got like 8,000 unread emails.

Pete Buttigieg: Look, ladies, I’m here to talk about issues, like climate change. There you go, I fixed it.

Joe Behar: Okay. You’re my nephew. My nephew for president.

[Cut to Abby]

Abby Huntsman: Okay. And you have an unusual name. How do you pronounce that?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Buttigieg: Pete.

[Cut to Abby]

Abby Huntsman: Oh, okay. I was thinking Pad Thai like the Japanese spaghetti.

[Cut to Whoopie, Abby, Joe and Pete]

Whoopie Goldberg: So you really think that you’re ready to be president?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Buttigieg: Am I ready? [Speaking in Spanish]

[Cut to Whoopie]

Whoopie Goldberg: And what was that last one?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Buttigieg: A language I made up to speak to Gnomes.

[Cut to Joe and Pete]

Joe Behar: I got to ask because I’m sure it come up. You’re gay.

Pete Buttigieg: That’s not a question. But I do want to say that I wouldn’t be running for president if I didn’t believe America was ready to accept not only a gay man but a boring gay man in public eye.

[Cut to Pete, Ana and Meghan]

Ana Navarro: I think I saw your husband backstage. Bring him out.

Pete Buttigieg: Oh, no, I’m here to talk about my policies.

Ana Navarro and Meghan McCain: Husband, husband! Husband!

[Chasten enters the set]

Chasten Buttigieg: Hello, I’m Chasten Buttigieg.

Pete Buttigieg: He took the name Buttigieg. That’s commitment, right?

[Cut to Meghan laughing only after few seconds]

Meghan McCain: Ha-ha-ha, yes, be my friend or I’ll die.

[Cut to Joe, Pete and Chasten]

Chasten Buttigieg: Wow, this is all so new to me. Usually I’m just home with the dog.

Joe Behar: You’re gay and you have dogs? I’m sorry. I love that. I’m voting for you. Mayor Pete, we love you, we can never forget about Joe Biden. [Cut to everybody]

Ana Navarro: Take me to Delaware.

Whoopie Goldberg: We love him.

Joe Behar: My Prez.

Ana Navarro: Oh, Joe.

[Cut to Whoopie hugging her Joe Biden printed pillow]

[Song’s playing]

I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From heaven’s gate
There’s a freedom in your arms
[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan McCain: Well, thank you both for being here. Joy, you need to let me talk.

Joe Behar: I have said nothing all day!

[Cut to everybody. Whoopie blowing blow horn.]

Joe Behar: What?

Whoopie Goldberg: Not today, Satan.

[Cut to Whoopie]

Coming up after the break, prison reform and Elon Musk teaches us to vape. This is The View.

[Ends with outro]

Paul Rudd’s Best Man Speech | Monologue | Season 44 Episode 21

Paul Rudd

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[music playing]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Rudd.

[Paul Rudd walks in the door and up to the stage.]

[Cheers and applause]

Speaker 1: Thank you. Thank you, thank you so much. I am so thrilled to be hosting the season finale of Saturday Night Live. [Cheers and applause] Hands down the most anticipated finale of this weekend. You know, I’ve hosted this show a few times now. And what I’ve learned is that these monologues, they should be a little funny, but they should also be heartfelt, sort of like a best man’s speech at a wedding. And well, tonight I would like to be your best man. So could we maybe get some champagne out here, something warm and flat?

[Two tall waiters come in, one hands over Paul a glass of champagne and the other puts a rose on his suit]

Thank you. Hello. Wow. Goodness. They’re tall. When I officially first met SNL in 2008, I was like, this guy is crazy. You were doing sketches about some guy named Barack. I hadn’t done a marvel movie yet so I was still treating people pretty well. Times have changed. Not a lot of people know this, but you and I, we used to kind of make out. I think we have some pictures of that.

[Cut to pictures of Paul Rudd’s kisses on SNL]

There wer are. Oh, man, were we nuts.

[Cut to Paul Rudd on stage]

SNL, you used to be a real dirty dog. I think like a thousand people have been on you. I know that sounds gross but hey, it was the ‘70s, ‘80s, ‘90s, and whatever this is. True story. I was actually right outside of this building on the night of the very first episode of SNL in 1975. I remember, because I had just turned 30. And I was working as a vomit boy at the studio 54. I thought, this isn’t for me. I thought I would be cleaning up vomit, but I was way off. So, I walked out. I started running. I found myself under a beautiful sign that said NBC. Out walked a guy who called himself Lorne. I went right up to him and I said, “Sir, one day I’ll be hosting your show.” And he said, “Guards, do your worst.” Funny how life works. After all of these years I knew we’d always be here for each other. Whenever you needed a host, and I needed to promote a movie. Now I’m just so honored to be hosting the finale of season 44. So hey, cheers to you. We’ve got a great show, DJ Khaled is here with like 200 friends. So stick around. We’ll be right back.

[Cheers and applause]

Ouija | Season 44 Episode 21

Dad… Paul Rudd

Christine… Heidi Gardner

Samantha… Cecily Strong

Ego Nwodim

Bealthor… Melissa Villaseñor

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a clip of a house. Girls are laughing.]

[Cut to the room where the girls are having fun and the dad enters the room]

Dad: Uh-oh. Dorky dad on the loose. You girls want some snacks? I’ve got pita chips, raisins and salt.

Christine: Okay, bye, dad.

Dad: All right, I’ll get out of your hair. Just let me know if you want any of those things.

[Dad leaves the room]

Christine: Sorry my dad. But hey, I thought of something scary we can do.

[Heidi brings ouija board to her friends]

Samantha:  Ooh, cool. Ouija board.

Ego Nwodim: Let’s get spooky.

Christine: Spirits, we call upon you to answer our questions. If you are here, give us a sign.

[Thunder sounds]

[Smoke begins to come out of nowhere]

[A demon comes out of the smoke]

Bealthor: Ha-ha-ha. [Cut to Bealthor] I am Bealthor, mistress of the nine hell. [Cut to everybody] Ha-ha-ha.

Kate McKinnon: Holy smokes, we summoned a demon.

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: Ask your question, mortals.

[Cut to the girls]

Christine: Okay. I’ll go. Demon, which one of us will get married first?

[The girls get shy]

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: Ah, the whispers of the damned flow through my head. They say Samantha shall be first to wed.

[Cut to the girls]

Aidy Bryant: Aw, Samantha!

Samantha: Demon, thank you.

Kate McKinnon: Do you know, we should celebrate, you guys.

Girls: Pizza!

Aidy Bryant: Totally.

Christine: Pizza girls, at it again.

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: I mean, I like pizza.

[Cut to the girls]

Kate McKinnon: Oh, I think we’re kind of done with Ouija stuff.

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: Oh, same here. You know what we should get on our pizza? Pineapple!

[Cut to Samantha and Ego]

Samantha: Ew, that sounds gross.

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: Oh, yeah, yeah, pineapple is so gross. I was just joking about that. Hey, let’s watch a movie. Movie girls at it again.

[Cut to Samantha and Ego]

Ego Nwodim: I don’t know, Bealthor, it’s kind of late to start a movie.

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: Oh, yeah, yeah. I was thinking that too. As soon as I said it, I was like, “It’s too late.” I’m so stupid.

[Cut to everybody]

[Dad enters the room]

Dad: Girls, [Cut to dad] why does the whole house smell like brimstone? Oh, hey, Ashley, right?

[Cut to everybody]

Christine: No, dad, this is Bealthor.

[Cut to dad]

Dad: Bealthor? Is that Greek? Mazeltov. Anyway, it turns out we ran out of pita chips. [Cut to Aidy, Samantha, Ego and dad] But wait a second, I think I do see something behind your ear. [Pulls a go-gurt from Ego’s ear as a magic] Oh, it’s a go-gurt. It’s the last one so take a squirt and pass it around. If you guys need me I’ll be downstairs, working that Swiffer.

[Dad leaves]

[Cut to the girls]

Christine: Dads.

Bealthor: Ha-ha-ha. [Cut to Bealthor] Totally. My dad is all, I’m Satan, god cast me out of heaven, what a loser.

[Cut to the girls]

Samantha: What are you even talking about?

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: My bad, sorry for being weird. I’m just really struggling with my home life right now. And I guess I’ve been feeling really ugly lately.

[Cut to the girls]

Aidy Bryant: Um, hey–

Samantha: Don’t or she’ll never leave.

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: I’m going to go to the bathroom.

[Bealthor leaves the room]

[Cut to the girls. Dad enters the room.]

Dad: Guess who ordered Thai food. So, if you guys could just throw in five bucks that would be—where’s the Goth kid?

[Cut to everybody]

[Phone rings. Bealthor is talking on the phone behind the door.]

Bealthor: Hi, Satan? Can you come pick me up? These girls are being super fake.

[Cut to dad]

Dad: I don’t believe that I’m hearing. Were you girls bullying Bealthor?

[Cut to the girls]

Christine: Dad, she’s leaving.

[Cut to dad]

Dad: I don’t want to hear it, Christine. She has horns, big whoops. Maybe her differences are what make her cool.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, I guess you’re right, Mr. Sanderson.

Kate McKinnon: You’re right. We’ll be nice.

[Bealthor enters the room]

Bealthor: Hey, so my dad says that I can’t spend the night. Anyway, I’m sorry for ruining your party.

[Bealthor walks to the door]

Dad: Bealthor, wait.

[Cut to dad and Bealthor]

These girls have something they would like to say. Girls?

[Cut to everybody]

Kate McKinnon: Bealthor, we’re sorry.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, we think it would be pretty ill if you spend the night.

[Cut to dad and Bealthor]

Bealthor: Really?

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Yes!

Bealthor: Yay. Hey, who wants to know how they’re going to die?

Everybody: Me!

Music Box | Season 44 Episode 21

Cecily Strong

Kyle Mooney

Emily

Storekeeper… Paul Rudd

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with people in an antiques store]
Cecily Strong: What a beautiful antiques store.

Kyle Mooney: Honey, look at this old sign. [Cut to Cecily Strong and Kyle Mooney] It says, ‘I only drink on days that start with T. Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday, Thunday.

Cecily Strong: That’s hilarious. We probably don’t need that since you’re not drinking anymore.

Kyle Mooney: Oh, right.

Cecily Strong: You do remember that conversation?

Kyle Mooney: Yeah, sure. Hey, look what Emily found.

[Cut to everybody]

Emily: Look!

Cecily Strong: Oh! [Cut to Cecily Strong, Emily and Kyle Mooney] Look, it’s a music box with a ballerina on top. You know, my grandmother had one of these.

[Cut to everybody]

Storekeeper: Oh, that’s a wonderful choice. [Store keeper walks to them] They don’t make them like that anymore. And very affordable.

Cecily Strong: Our daughter just started ballet lessons.

Kyle Mooney: She’s not very good.

Cecily Strong: $60? I don’t know.

[Cut to the storekeeper]

Storekeeper: Wind the bottom and she’ll dance for you.

[Cut to Cecily Strong, Emily and Kyle Mooney]

[Cecily Strong winds the bottom]

[music playing]

Kyle Mooney: Oh, wow. Don’t you wish you could dance like that, sweetie?

Cecily Strong: The song is so pretty. Do you know the name of it?

[Cut to the storekeeper]

Storekeeper: Of course. It’s ‘Fancy party’.

[Cut to Cecily Strong, Emily and Emily]

Kyle Mooney: ‘Fancy party’? I don’t know that.

[Cut to the storekeeper]

Storekeeper: Sure you do. It’s a famous old beautiful song. Wind it again and let’s see if I remember the words.

[Cut to everybody]

[Cecily Strong winds the bottom]

[music playing]

[Cut to the storekeeper]

Storekeeper: It started, the fancy party’s finally getting started

nothing can go wrong, owe wait, I farted,

I farted, now my whole world will never be the same.

[Cut to everybody]

And that’s ‘fancy party’.

[Cut to Cecily Strong, Emily and Emily]

Kyle Mooney: Hang on. The song ‘Fancy Party’ is about a ballerina having gas at a party?

[Cut to the storekeeper]

Storekeeper: That’s right. And the catastrophic effect it has on her life, relationships and dancing career.

[Cut to Cecily Strong, Emily and Emily]

Kyle Mooney: That’s not real.

[Cut to everybody]

Storekeeper: Sure it is. Your grandmother probably sang it to you while you went to sleep. Wind it again, you’ll remember.

[Cecily Strong winds the bottom]

[music playing]

[Cut to the storekeeper]

I beefed one,

they hired me for dancing, then I beefed one

it was oh, [Cut to everybody] so very long and not a brief one

because I beefed one

Now this whole fancy party knows my name

Cecily Strong: Wait I do know this.

[Cut to Cecily Strong and Storekeeper]

Cecily Strong and Storekeeper: I gave them quite a scare

when I jumped up in the air

and out a fruity rooty came

Storekeeper: I knew you knew it.

[Cut to everybody]

Kyle Mooney: I’m sorry if you’re eating

but my tights just took a beating

Everybody: And now I fear I’ll never dance again

[Cut to Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: I farted.

[Cut to everybody]

Storekeeper: Hello.

Kenan Thompson: I was just passing by and heard ‘Fancy party”.

Everybody: Did you hear the news how I done farted?

Now the party has sadly been departed

because I farted

That’s just how it goes.

Kyle Mooney: Wow.

Cecily Strong: That’s good.

Storekeeper: Memories.

Kyle Mooney: I’m glad you didn’t sing, honey. You would have messed it up.

Emily: Sing it again.

Cecily Strong: Let’s do it.

[Cecily Strong breaks the music box trying to wind it]

oh! No! Did I break it?

Storekeeper: What have you done?

Kyle Mooney: Honey, what have you done?

Cecily Strong: It wasn’t one of a kind, was it? Surely there are more.

[Everybody are staring at Cecily Strong]

Please, please.

[Cut to Kenan coming up front to camera]

Kenan Thompson: And that’s The Twilight Zone.

Leslie & Kyle | Season 44 Episode 21

Kyle Mooney

Leslie Jones

Paul Rudd

[Starts with Leslie watching something on her laptop and laughing in dressing room]

[Cut to Kyle coming in dressing room]

Kyle Mooney: Oh, hey, Les, a change in the court sketch, you’re going to be the Bailiff now.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: Oh, okay, cool, thanks Kyle. [Leslie gets back to watching]

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: What are you watching?

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: I’m watching Russian car crashes, they’re crazy over there.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: You know, last weekend I was watching those Leslie and Kyle videos we made for the show when we were in love with each other.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: I remember those. Why did we stop making them?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: They were great. Actually, can I show you a pretty fun clip.

[Kyle sits beside Leslie and takes over her laptop]

May I?

[Cut to the laptop playing a video where Kyle kisses Leslie]

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: Oh, my god.

[Cut to the laptop playing a video where Leslie is making out with Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Tell me I’m not dreaming.

[Cut to Kyle and Leslie]

Leslie Jones: Aw, we was babies.

Kyle Mooney: It was like last year. But you know it’s weird, sometimes people will come up to me on the street and say, “Are you really dating Leslie?”

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: No way! Me and you?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: They truly thought it was real.

Leslie Jones: It’s ridiculous.

Kyle Mooney: Yeah, so ridiculous. Well, I should get out of here.

[Cut to Kyle and Leslie. Kyle passes the laptop back to Leslie.[

So enjoy your videos, madam.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: Thank you, sir.

[Leslie leaves]

Umm, hey, Kyle.

[Kyle walks back in]

Kyle Mooney: What’s up?

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: Got some wine. You want to maybe have a glass of wine, we can watch videos.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Yeah, sure. I mean, I drink everyday, so—yes, let’s do it.

[Kyle walks and sits beside Leslie. Leslie passes Kyle a glass.]

Thanks. Well, to a wonderful year.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: Oh, yes.

[Cut to Kyle and Leslie. They both take a sip of wine.]

Oh wait.

[Leslie wipes Kyle’s lips]

Oh, you got some on your lip.

Kyle Mooney: Thank you.

[Cut to Kyle]

Is this happening right now?

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: I don’t know.

[Cut to Kyle and Leslie. They kiss.]

[Cut to a dreamy world where Kyle and Leslie are walking together holding hands wearing matching dress.][Music is playing]

Kyle Mooney: Why do birds suddenly appear

every time you are near

just like me they long to be

lose to you

[Cut to a Kyle and Leslie having sex in dressing room]

Kyle Mooney: Oh god, crap!

[Cut to Paul Rudd walks in]

Paul Rudd: Whoa! What the [bleep] are you doing? This is my dressing room.

[Cut to Kyle and Leslie]

Kyle Mooney: Hey, sorry, man.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul Rudd: Oh, god. What’s that smell? Ew! It stinks over here too. Were you [bleep] over here too? It smells like a bad tooth. My shoes are stinking to the floor. It’s like an old movie theater.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Sorry okay?

[Cut to Paul] Oh, crap.

Paul Rudd: Are you still doing it? Get out of here.

[Cut to Kyle and Leslie. They both stand up.]

[Cut to Paul. He looks away.]

Leslie Jones: We said sorry, dude. Are you stressed out?

[Cut to Leslie and Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Hey man! We were just having sex for a few hours. [Cut to Paul] Relax.

Paul Rudd: Yea, I’m stressed out. I just—I want the finale to go well. I didn’t mean to yell. Sorry.

[Cut to Leslie and Kyle both start to massage Paul]

Leslie Jones: Aww baby.

Paul Rudd: That feels good. Mmm. Is this happening?

[They all start making out]

[Cut to a dreamy world where Paul, Kyle and Leslie are dancing and holding hands wearing matching dress. Paul and Kyle starts kissing. Leslie is shocked.][Music is playing]

GoT Tribute | Season 44 Episode 21

Pete Davidson

Kenan Thompson

Gray Worm

DJ Khaled

Paul Rudd

[Starts with Pete Davidson getting ready to rap. He is wearing a Game of Thrones shirt]

Pete Davidson: Game of Thrones, 10 seasons. I can’t believe it’s coming to an end. It’s like my favorite show ever. HBO. Here we go.

Jon Snow, Dragons, lotsa wolves
blue zombies, armored clothes, silver swords,
that extendo prostitute houses, lotsa wine,
and a big ass wall, never miss an episode.

[Music stops.]

[Cut to Kenan coming in]

Kenan Thompson: Yo! Pete!

[Cut to Pete]
Pete Davidson: Yo!

[Cut to Kenan. He opens his jacket and shows Pete his Game of Thrones shirt.]

Kenan Thompson: I didn’t know you like Game of Thrones. How come you never mentioned it before?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Davidson: Oh, yes! I don’t really like to talk about my personal life. I don’t like that attention.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: Hmm. Okay.

[Kenan leaves]

[Cut to Pete rapping. Music stars playing.]

Pete Davidson: Never miss an episode, there’s hobbits and toads
magic, muggles, I assume some crows

[Cut to Kenan looking at Pete. Music stops.]

Kenan Thompson: You assume some crows? Pete, this is my friend Gray Worm. [Gray Worm walks in]

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Davidson: Oh, hey, what’s up, man? Did you say your last name is Worm?

[Cut to Kenan and Gray]
Gray Worm: Yes, he has never seen the show.

Kenan Thompson: Yeah, you know nothing Pete Davidson.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Davidson: I’m a penis.

[Cut to Kenan and Gray]

Kenan Thompson: Look, Pete. You don’t have to do a rap about Game of Thrones just because it’s the most popular show in the world right now.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Davidson: So, what are you saying, then if I’m going to do an epic rap song for the season finale, it should be about a TV show I actually like?

[Music fades in]

[Cut to Kenan and Gray]

Kenan Thompson: Oh, no, I don’t think you should do a rap at all.

[Cut to Pete rapping and music playing]

Pete Davidson: Grace and Frankie. Grace and Frankie.

My favorite Tv show is [beep] Grace and Frankie.

Kenan Thompson: Why?

Pete Davidson: Jane Fonda, Lily Tomlin, Martin Sheen,
Sam Waterson, that’s right son,
it’s a Netflix original, one of the first ones
going to be on for 5 seasons to see
oh! ladies is the reason you’ll thank me
Watch that show every day on the reggy
you laugh, you cry, you better grab a hankie 
that’s right, I’m talking about —

[Cut to DJ Khaled in the video]

DJ Khaled: Grace and Frankie!
DJ Khaled, we the best!

Kenan Thompson: What?

DJ Khaled: Better than Game of Thrones.

Pete Davidson: Real quick, if you’re not here
let me catch you up a little bit on a smash hit
it’s so fantastic, they’re opposites
they run a business selling dildos
ain’t that classic?

Kenan Thompson: Guys, I just want to let you know this is getting expensive.

Pete Davidson: They once caught their exes kissing,
you don’t know what you’re missing
Grace dated Nelson, Frankie dated Ernie Hudson
they’re both like 80 something
riding hot air balloons like it’s nothing
think of bluffin’, let me tell you boy it sure is something

DJ Khaled: Grace and Frankie! They’re different but the friends. It’s a nice show. DJ Khaled!

[Cut to Paul Rudd comes in]

Paul rudd: Hey man! I’m here to do my Game of Thrones verse.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Davidson: Oh, I changed it. Now you just rap about whatever your favorite TV show is.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul rudd: Any show I want?
My favorite TV show is Motherfu[beep] Grace and Frankie
rip a mic and again to motherfu[beep] Ant man
Season 4 is the [beep] guest starring Lisa Kudrow
Frankie moved to Santa Fe
to Graces this was unusual
Things starting cracking, Grace had that scooter accident
That’s the tip of the iceberg, have you touched our Sol and Robert?

DJ Khaled: Grace and Frankie. Remember, Robert had that sleep apnea? That was crazy. 

Pete Davidson: The girls got their house back from their kids
sol can’t train a dog for shi–[Beep]
Frankie was sick and Grace might [beep] marry Nick.

DJ Khaled: Grace and Frankie, best in the game. DJ Khaled. We out!

Paul rudd: Yo, Thrones! I got a dragon you can sit on right here.      

Pete Davidson: All right Paul. Sorry.

Don’t Stop Me Now | Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 21

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant… Sarah Sanders

Kanye West… Chris Redd

Clarence Thomas… Kenan Thompson

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Eric Trump… Alex Moffat

Robert Mueller… Robert De Niro

[Starts with a seal of President of the United States]

Announcer: And now, a message from the president of the United States.

[Cut to Donald Trump in his office]

Donald Trump: hank you. Thank you very much. I’m very excited about summer, getting around that those things I never have time for. Golf, visiting friends in prison and enjoying all the fantastic new tariffs with China. It’s been an incredible year for our economy. Our American economy is on fire. I’m going to tell you if it’s a fire that keeps you warm or burns your house to the ground. But it’s some kind of fire. So, I’m on cruise control to a second term and there’s nothing the democrats in congress can do about it. So sit back and enjoy the ride, America, because tonight, well,

[music playing]

Tonight, I’m going to have a real good time.

[Melania Trump joins and sits on the desk]

Melania Trump: He feels alive.

Donald Trump: And the world I’ll turn it inside out, yeah!

[Mike Pence joins and sits on the desk]

Mike Pence: And float around in ecstasy

Melania Trump and Mike Pence:  So don’t stop him now

Everybody: Don’t stop him

cause he’s having a good time

having a good time

[Sarah Sanders joins and sits on the desk]

Sarah Sanders: He’s a loose cannon rippin’ up the laws of society

you can’t subpoena him

he’s gonna obstruct

Melania Trump: He’s a billionaire unless you take a look at his tax returns

He’s going to hide, hide, hide, oh there’s no showing you

Donald Trump: I’m burning every page

picking every fight

Melania Trump: That’s why they call him Mr. Bad Advice

cause he listen to the Fox News guys

Mike Pence: I want to make a super straight man out of you

Everybody: Don’t stop us now

we’re having such a good time

Donald Trump: I’m having a ball!

Sarah Sanders: Having a ball!

Everybody: Don’t stop us now

you wanna huge distraction

[Kanye West joins with his arms around Donald Trump’s shoulders]

Kanye West: Just give Yeezy a call man!

Everybody: Don’t stop us now

we’re having a good time

don’t stop us now

we’re having a good time

We don’t wanna stop at all.

[Clarence Thomas comes in]

Clarence Thomas: Yes, the supreme court ready for a fight on abortion

we got the votes now

women are screwed

[Clarence Thomas leaves]

Melania Trump: It was an issue you thought got resolved 50 years ago

but no, no, no

All men are still in control

Donald Trump: I’m searching bible guide now

Melania Trump: he’s throwing stones

and he lives in a big glass house

He cheated on every spouse

Mike Pence: I want to make a chik-fil-a man out of you

[Rudy Giuliani joins]

Everybody: Don’t stop me, don’t stop me

Rudy Giuliani: Wonderful wall.

Everybody: Don’t stop me, don’t stop me, don’t stop me, don’t stop me

Rudy Giuliani: Do you guys like tariffs?

Everybody: Don’t stop me, don’t stop me

Rudy Giuliani: Hundred bucks for a tomato?

Everybody: Don’t stop me, don’t stop me

Rudy Giuliani: I ain’t sweatin’ it

[Rudy Giuliani is playing a guitar solo]

Sarah Sanders: Oh he’s throwing out the lies, yeah

Donald Trump: One tweet at a time.

Melania Trump: And he’s got the best and brightest guys

that’s why most of them are serving time

Mike Pence: I want to make a crazy sexy man out of you

[music stops]

Melania Trump: Mike, no. What are you doing?

Mike Pence: I’m sorry, the queen music gets me all riled up.

[Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump join everybody]

Donald Trump Jr.: Hey dad, why weren’t we invited to sing?

Eric Trump: Yeah.

Donald Trump: Son, and Eric. I’m sorry I forgot about you guys.

Eric Trump: Well, I want to sing the song too.

Donald Trump: All right, Eric, go ahead.

[music playing]

[Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]

Eric Trump: It’s time to play the music

it’s time to light the lights

It’s time to meet the muppets on the muppet show tonight

[music stops]

[Cut to everybody]

Donald Trump: All right. Let’s wrap this up. The NBA finals are coming up. I need to invite the three white players over for McDonald’s.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: Wait a second. [Cheers and applause] I have something very important to say to the American people. Something they need to hear. [Donald Trump interrupts]

Donald Trump: No collusion, no obstruction.

[music playing]

So, don’t stop me now

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: we’re having such a good time

Sarah Sanders: Just try and impeach

Everybody: Don’t stop us now

Sarah Sanders: We might even get rid of freedom of speech

Everybody: Don’t stop us now

we’re having a good time

don’t stop us

we’re having a good time

we don’t want to stop at all

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Guys, it’s been fun. I don’t know what’s next for me, but I wouldn’t be Donald Trump if I didn’t say tune in next season to see who lives and who dies.

[Rudy Giuliani interrupts] Spoiler, I live. I live for another 150 years. And the iron throne will be mine.

Donald Trump: Have a wonderful summer, America.

[Cut to Everybody]

Everybody: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

 

Cut for Time Retirement Party | Season 44 Episode 21

Melissa Villaseñor

David… Kenan Thompson

Alex Moffat

Aidy Bryant

Chris Redd

Ted… Beck Bennett

Bred… Paul Rudd

[Starts with staffs of an office having a retirement party]

Melissa Villaseñor: But David’s been more than a boss to me. He’s been my best friend. To David.

[Everybody raise their coffee cups]

Everybody: To David.

David: Oh guys! [Cut to David and Melissa] You guys are so kind. 50 years sure goes by fast. I mean, what can I say? I just love auto insurance. But it’s time I take it easy on old ticker. You know, doctor’s orders.

[Cut to the staff]

Alex Moffat: Yes, we’ll visit you often pal.

Aidy Bryant: Yes, we’re not letting you go that easy.

[Cut to David]

David: See, now I’m tearing up. Ah, I think that’s my clue to leave.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris Redd: Well, hold on because I think Ted and Bred from IT put a little something together.

[Cut to David and Melissa]

David: Oh, that’s so nice. I barely even know those guys. What is it, a slide show?

Melissa Villaseñor: We’ll see. Fellas?

[Cut to everybody. There is a TV screen in front of everyone.]

[The light dims. Music starts to play.]

[Cut to the TV screen. It says “Thank you David”.”

[The video is disturbed and another video plays.]

Ted: We interrupt this simulation for a very important message.

Bred: In the beginning god created man. And from millennium, man reign supreme over all of creation.

[Cut to the staff.]

Speaker 8: What is this?

[Cut to the video]

Ted: Until man creates a god in the form of computer.

[Drum starts playing]

[The TV screen slides away. Ted and Bred walks Up with their musical instruments.]

Ted and Bred: Computer boy. Computer girl. 

We all live in computer world.

Computer, com-com-com-com-Computer

com-com-com-com-Computer

Oh-hail! Computer.

Ted: D-D-D-Digital free way

Mommy told me to eat my greens 

but now I’m grown up and I only computer

Bred: Computer! Daddy told me to brush my teeth

But now I’m grown up and instead I computer

Ted: Computer! I’m in love with my computer.

Bred: M-M-Mouse pad, baby.

[Music stops]

[Cut to the other staffs. They clap.]

[Cut to David and Melissa. They are confused.]

David: Wow! Thank you. That means a lot.

Melissa Villaseñor: Sorry guys, I’m a little confused.

[Cut to Ted and Bred]

Bred: Of course you are. You live in a digital age where computers are king.

[Cut to Chris, Aidy and Alex]

Chris Redd: No, it’s just tonight’s about David and you were supposed to make slides.

Aidy Bryant: Yes, not form a computer focused full wave band.

[Cut to Ted and Bred]

Ted: Oh, foolish human. If you had just once bothered to engage us in conversation–

Bred: You would know we are not just IT guys, but we have always been–

Ted and Bred: The Electric Computers.

Ted: Me Professor Professor, and he, Mr. Microchip.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris Redd: Yeah, I’m not calling you that Ted.

[Cut to David]

David: Well, thank you for the music boys. I think I’m going to head out.

[Cut to Ted and Bred]

Ted: No, no, David stay. We did actually write a song for you.

[Cut to David]

David: Really? For me?

[Cut to Ted and Bred]

Bred: Affirmative. 2, 3, 4.

[Music starts playing]

Bred: The year is 2031. Mankind as we know is enslaved. Humans live only to serve their one true master. A master called–

[Cut to Chris]

Chris Redd: He’s going to say computer, man!

[Cut to Ted and Bred]

Bred: Computer!

Ted: I-I-I-I can feel it coming

Computer taking over 

Bred: To become free, all mankind needs

is to rise up and destroy computer

There’s only one problem you see,

mankind kind of likes it

[Cut to Chris]

Chris Redd: All right man!

[Cut to Ted and Bred]

Ted: I can feel it coming

I can feel it coming 

I will make love to my computer

Thank you for 50 years of service David.

[Music stops]

[Cut to David]

[Cut to Aidy and Alex]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, so again, no connection to David. I think you just tag that in the end because you felt bad.

[Cut to Ted and Bred]

Bred: No. Wrong!

[Cut to Aidy and Alex]

Alex Moffat: And did you see you want to make love to a computer?

[Cut to Ted and Bred]

Ted: Of course. Survival is essential.

Bred: Procreation with the computer is the only option for human.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy Bryant: What are you talking about?

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa Villaseñor: Yes, see this is why we don’t talk to you guys.

[Cut to Chris and Aidy]

Chris Redd: Yes, because apparently you want to have a baby with a computer.

[Cut to Ted and Bred]

Bred: Ignore our words and you surely will perish.

Ted: For computers show no mercy.

[Cut to Chris, Aidy and Alex]

Alex Moffat: Hey! Are you threatening us?

[Cut to everybody]

David: All right, everybody, let’s just calm down all right?

[David walks to Ted and Bred]

[Cut to David, Ted and Bred]

I want to thank my friends The Electric Computers, okay? For giving me the best retirement gift of all. The truth. I always knew this was coming. It was since I saw that damn Tintendo. Now I know I’m not alone. [laughing]

[Music starts to play]

Gigabyte-Gigabyte-Go-go-go

Terabyte-Terabyte-take my flow

Wow-wow–

[David starts to feel his heart attack]

[Cut to the staffs]

Aidy Bryant: It’s probably the heart attack!

[Cut to Ted and Bred]

Ted: And so, it begins.

[cut to the staffs]

Chris Redd: Get out! Get out of here!

A Journey Through Time | Season 44 Episode 21

Dr. Markowitz… Aidy Bryant

Dr. Handly … Mikey Day

Cecily Strong

Dex … Paul Rudd

Miss Rafferty … Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Dr. Markowitztalking in a meeting]

Dr. Markowitz: Thank you all for coming. I’m Dr. Markowitzwith NASA and this is Dr. Handly with the institute for temporal anomalies.

Dr. Handly: We’re obviously very interested in your story as you were the first three people to have experienced a verified time travel event.

[Cut to Cecily Strong, Dex and Miss Rafferty]

Cecily Strong: This is bananas. I mean, we were just three buds watching TV and now, we’re quantum pioneers.

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Handly: Now please tell us how this time portal appeared.

[Cut to Cecily Strong and Dex]

Dex: Well, I got a free one month trial to the Showtime channel. We was watching Ray Donovan, and I’m a fan, I’m a sucker for conflicted heroes, good person, bad deeds, that dichotomy is very rich to me.

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Handly: Yes, wonderful sir. But if you could focus on the time travel.

[Cut to Cecily Strong and Dex]

Dex: Uh, right, yeah, well, me and her, we was on the couch when this glowing majestic gateway appeared and we drifted into it and we found ourselves in a gorgeous city made entirely of crystal or something.

Cecily Strong: Yeah, and we were welcomed by a group of people made up for just all the races of the world and they said, “We are the council of humanity, this is the future.” It was so beautiful.

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Handly: And you, miss Rafferty?

[Cut to Miss Rafferty. She is smoking a cigarette.]

Miss Rafferty:  Yeah, a little different for me. I must have been on the wrong side of the portal or something, because I wasn’t so much welcomed to the future as I was violently sucked a million years into the past. I went to caveman times, man. Got yanked so hard, my sweats and my sneaks stayed in the present. So I land ass up face down in the mud with my cooter and tooter on full display. And I’m thinking, “Last time I was in this position, I got kicked out of Woodstock 99.”

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Markowitz: And were there people there to welcome you as well?

[Cut to Miss Rafferty]

Miss Rafferty: ‘People’ is such a strong word. You know on the evolution chart where you see how the monkeys became human? These guys hadn’t hit the halfway mark yet.

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Markowitz: Let’s focus on what happened in the future.

[Cut to Cecily Strong and Dex]

Cecily Strong: Well, the Council of Humanity showed us their city.

Dex: Yeah, it was beautiful. I would have wept but I was all cried out from watching ‘Nurse Jackie’ on showtime.

Cecily Strong: It’s probably enough of Showtime stuff Dex.

[Cut to Cecily Strong, Dex and Miss Rafferty]

Miss Rafferty: You know, these two are walking around Wakanda, meanwhile, where I’m at, it’s the rise of the planet of the apes. [Cut to Miss Rafferty] Because all 50 of these hairy naked monkey people are swarming at me and they start rubbing me with their butts. I don’t know if you’ve ever been on the business end of 50 balloon knots, but it ain’t exactly a Tuscan sunset.

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Handly: Perhaps this was some sort of primitive religious ritual?

[Cut to Miss Rafferty]

Miss Rafferty: Buddy, god had no part in this. They were marking me with their scent. And these guys weren’t exactly zestfully clean. They zebra striped my T-shirt so much, I looked like a foot locker employee. But hey, it’s never easy making new friends, right?

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Markowitz: Noted. And what happened next in the future?

[Cut to Cecily Strong and Dex]

Cecily Strong: We was taken to this place called the Oculus and inside was all these gateways to other solar systems.

Dex: Yeah, yeah. And in each one was a planet they had colonized. I couldn’t believe I was chosen to witness this.

[Cut to Miss Rafferty]

Miss Rafferty: Well, I too was chosen. Chosen by the alpha female to be her new girlfriend. She comes at me like a silverback, right? Ragdolls me. And look, I really ain’t into ladies but if nothing else is open, I’ll eat at a taco bell. You smell what I’m saying?

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Markowitz:  Yes, I think I do.

[Cut to Miss Rafferty]

Miss Rafferty: Right, all right. So anyway, this gal wants to bond, right?

[Cut to Cecily Strong, Dex and Miss Rafferty]

[Miss Rafferty stand up and goes behind Dex]

Do you mind, Dex? She climbs on my back, right, she starts picking at me, looking for stuff to eat. [Cut to Miss Rafferty and Dex.] And unfortunately she’s finding a buffet. So, I guess the snack got her in the mood because then she starts like grinding into my head. Trying to mate with my hair, I guess. She’s using my face for like a handhold. Then she goes back to eating, climbs around the front and sees my ear, which I guess she thinks is some kind of vending machine because she’s just—[Miss Rafferty starts licking and sucking Dex’s ear] She’s candling but there ain’t no wax. Okay. Then for the grand finale she reaches down, she pops a finger up her keester like it’s her second date or something. And I’m like, “Hey, curious Georgina, last person to try that never saw his wedding ring again.”

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Markowitz: Yes. Thank you for that.

[Cut to Miss Rafferty and Dex.]

Miss Rafferty: No problem. And thank you, Dex.

Dex: Your jeans rug burned my neck.

Miss Rafferty: Oh yeah? Poor you, I got bushed, smushed by a cave woman. You’ll live.

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Markowitz: Now, how were you all brought back to the present?

Cecily Strong: Umm, well, the portal opened up beside us and the council said, “When fear is replaced by trust, your world will begin to change.” Then we were home.

Dex: Yeah. It was the most amazing thing that’s ever happened to me. Right up there with getting that email that said you’ve been selected for a free month of the Showtime channel.

[Cut to Miss Rafferty]

Miss Rafferty: See, that’s piss in my porridge because when I dove in the portal to get home, still pantsless, mind you, I landed downward dog in a grand Hyatt bar room with my Casino with my bean burrito right up in Barry Levine’s face.

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Handly: Who is Barry Levine?

[Cut to Miss Rafferty]

Miss Rafferty: A young man who’s never going to forget his Bar Mitzvah. That’s who.

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Markowitz: All right. We would like to take you all for a medical exam.

[Cut to everybody]

Miss Rafferty: Hey, it might be a problem. I got a zero health insurance]

Chopped | Season 44 Episode 20

Host… Beck Bennett

Georgina… Leslie Jones

Clair… Melissa Villaseñor

Emma Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Alex Moffat

[Starts with intro of Chopped]

Host: Four chefs started out with the goal of wowing our judges using the ingredients in their mastery basket. Now, only two remain, Georgina and Clair. Who will it be?

[Cut Georgina and Clair shaking hands]
Georgina: You did some great cooking out there. I think either one of us could win.

[Cut to Clair]

Clair: I think you could win or could win.

[Cut to Georgina]

Georgina: That’s what I just said.

[Cut to the judges and the host]

Host: Judges, those were some really tricky baskets. But after three rounds what do you think?

[Cut to clips of judges speaking and Clair making her dishes]

Emma Thompson: Well, going back to the appetizer round, Clair really made very great use of those artichoke hearts.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, they were so crispy.

Alex Moffat: Yeah, and she wasn’t thrown by the loose sugar.

Emma Thompson: But she had a harder time with the five-pound horse penis.

[Cut to clips of judges speaking and Georgina making her dishes]

Georgina had problems too. Her appetizer was supposed to be an artichoke slider.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, but it was actually just a kitten on a hamburger bun.

[Cut to the host]

Host: What did you think of the salad?

[Cut to clips of judges speaking and the salads]

Alex Moffat: Her salad seemed like an afterthought. And she overdressed it.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, it didn’t need the full tuxedo. Just a tie would have been fine.

Emma Thompson: And Clair seemed to be just pretending to wash her hands.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, she didn’t even touch the water.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Let’s move on to the main course round.

[Cut to clips of judges speaking and the contestants making their dishes]
Alex Moffat: I thought the way Clair incorporated the marshmallow fluff into her steak sauce was really clever.

Aidy Bryant: You know what? But, my steak was raw.

Emma Thompson: Raw like the temperature or raw like it had a mouth and kept using the ‘C’ word?

Aidy Bryant: That one.

Emma Thompson: Okay.

Emma Thompson: I thought Georgina served a really nice plate of food.

Alex Moffat: Well, she served me divorce papers. And now she has half of everything.

[Cut to the host]

Host: But you have full custody of her kid.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex Moffat: Yes.

[Cut to Emma and Aidy]

Aidy Bryant: But kid like goat, right?

[Cut to Alex playing with a goat]

Alex Moffat: Yes.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Let’s talk about dessert.

[Cut to clips of judges speaking and the desserts]

Aidy Bryant: You know, Georgina was really determined that she was going to get to that ice cream machine first.

[Cut to video clip of Georgina shooting Clair to get to the machine first]

[Cut to clips of judges speaking and the desserts]

Emma Thompson: I just wish she had transformed the candy cigarette. Because she just stuck it in the ice cream.

Alex Moffat: Yeah, along with some real cigarettes.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Sounds like you could make a case for either one to be ‘Chopped’ champion.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Thompson: But one stood out.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Okay. So, whose dish is on the chopping block? [Cut to Georgina and Clair getting nervous to know about the result]

[The host opens the chopping block. There is a cat in the bun.]

Chef Georgina, you’ve been chopped.

[Cut to Georgina]

Georgina: You know, I’m definitely disappointed and maybe I’m not the ‘Chopped’ champion. But I never signed a release. So, y’all can’t use any of this. Suck it.

[Cut to the host]

Host: And that means chef Clair is the new ‘Chopped’ champion.

Clair: Yes!

[Cut to Alex]

Alex Moffat: Let me know when the cameras are off. [Alex is trying to eat the cat]