Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Weekend Update Pope Francis on his visit to the US

Colin Jost

Pope Francis… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Pope Francis came to the United States last week visiting Washington DC, Philadelphia and our very own, New York city. Here to tell us about his trip is Pope Francis.

[Pope Francis slides in]

Pope Francis: [in Argentinian accent] What up, Jost? Give me that! Give me that! [does fist bump with Colin Jost] What a big set. Respect.

Michael Che: What’s up, bro?

Pope Francis: [patting his chest] Respect!

Colin Jost: So, Pope Francis, how was your stay in the United States?

Pope Francis: My trip was dope. DC was a little boring. [Cut to Pope Francis] Philly had some cuties, but New York was the best and tightest place to be. First thing though, I had to give a mass at the St. Patrick’s cathedral which to me was like a major snooze. But then I played in the Madison Square Garden and I crushed it. Then I went at the party with my disciples. Shout out to Jon Paul, Jio Sappi, Christiano, Leonardo and homie [pats his chest] Dwayne Wayne!

[Cut to Pope Francis and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, yeah. What did you guys get into?

Pope Francis: Yo! The real fun started aftermath. [Cut to Pope Francis] We went to Brooklyn and hit up the shuffle board place and had some free pizza. A Hawaiian pizza. That’s a pizza with pineapple and ham.

[Cut to Pope Francis and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Alright, yes. That sounds pretty chill.

Pope Francis: Oh, it was so chill. It was on a house-boat

[Colin Jost didn’t understand]

[Cut to Pope Francis]

After that we went to a namless chapel on the lower east side with a bartender who only speaks in backwards. And check it, the password was, “Emojis”. You had to figure out the way to express them with your face. Like this. [Pope Francis making emoji faces]

[Cut to Pope Francis and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Very cool. Yeah! And what was it like when you got inside?

Pope Francis: The cast of girls minus Lina was much in awesome artisan and all sugar carers. [Colin Jost didn’t understand a thing] So scrubs. [Cut to Pope Francis] One thing led to another. I wrote this 90 song like Karaoke Garage, you had to do the confession. Mose death is there. And we start belting out. [singing] Closing time.

[Cut to Pope Francis and Colin Jost]

[Colin Jost didn’t understand anything]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. You were with Mose death?

Pope Francis: Shh! You wouldn’t get it. And, I’m always look at the party. Ay! Hit me up in your prayers!

Colin Jost: Pope Francis, everyone!

Pope Francis: Many god blesses to you!

Weekend Update Pete Davidson on politics

Michael Che

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: New poll show that while Donald Trump has maintained his lead in the republican primary, in the head to head match up, Hillary Clinton beats Trump among younger voters by a whopping 20%. With more on this is SNL’s resident young person, Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: First of all, I really I should let you know that actually, I don’t know much about politics.

Michael Che: [sarcastically] No! Really?

Pete Davidson: Yeah. I know it’s shocking. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I mean I watch elections the way my girlfriend watches football. I’m like, “Who’s that guy in the suit? Do we want him to win? We want him to win? Okay! Who is Syria?” Anyway, politics gives me anxiety. Like, I tried. I tried to watch it and I’ll turn on the news, and then they’re like, “The senate–“. No, I can’t. We have a senate now? That’s crazy!

Look, I don’t know the difference between the democrat and republican. I just know I’m supposed to be a democrat or my friends will get mad at me. And when I’m around my grandpa, I have to say I’m a republican or he’ll get all excited. And Che, if he asks, we’re not friends.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Michael Che. Michael Che is shaking his head.]

He loves you though, Colin.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh! [giving thumb’s up]

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Michael Che. Michael Che shaking his head.]

Pete Davidson: Big fan of Jost. I’m like most people. When Trump announced he was running [Cut to Pete Davidson] I thought it was funny. But that was 4 months ago. And he’s winning. You know, it’s not funny anymore. You know, I think America needs to stop doing things coz it’s funny. You know? That’s what makes me so mad about Trump. It’s like, coz now that he’s winning, now I actually have to go out and vote. You know? Like, that’s the one good thing about Trump running. Trump presidency is so terrifying, it actually scares people of my age into paying attention to politics. You know who Donald Trump reminds me of? Sanjaya from Amrican Idol.

[Cut to Michael Che and Pete Davidson]

Remember Sanjaya? He had weird hair and he sang like garbage? [Cut to Pete Davidson] Yeah! We were actually like, friends three years ago, but that’s another Update. So, how it started, I thought it would be funny to get people to vote for him. You know, coz he sucked. Like, to keep him in the competition, coz it was like, funny. And the first few times, it was funny. It would be like, “Sanjaya, you are safe.” And you’d be like, “[laughing] That’s not supposed to happen!” But then, one by one, like everybody’s favorite started getting eliminated and it really wasn’t that funny anymore. And then it got down to the final four and everybody was like, “What the hell is Sanjaya doing up there? Now we have to go vote!”

[Cut to Michael Che and Pete Davidson]

Michael Che: Well, you know, Pete. You got through that whole Update without referencing weed or making a penis joke.

Pete Davidson: Oh, I’m not done yet.

Michael Che: No, I think you are. Pete Davidson, everybody!

Pete Davidson: [yelling] Weed! Penis! Weed! Penis!

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on texting in relationship

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new study shows that using smartphones and texting can really put a strain on relationships. Here with her take is our relationship expert, Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

Leslie Jones: Whoo! Ha-ha! Yeah! Thanks for having me, Colin.

Colin Jost: It’s great to see you. Now, you were filming the new Ghostbusters movie all summer, right?

Leslie Jones: Yes! I was. I was. But I wish I was Jost-busting! I ain’t afraid of no Jost!

Colin Jost: Leslie, now… [laughing] What do you think about texting in relationships?

Leslie Jones: Man! It’s tough, Colin. [Cut to Leslie Jones] I was at a party and this fine looking man comes up to me. And he starts talking to me, starts flirting with me, starts singing ‘Strangers in the night’ to me like a full psycho. So, you know I was feeling that. So, I gave my number. No big deal. Then, not only did he text me at 2:40 in the morning, he double text me.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: He double? What is double text?

Leslie Jones: Man! Okay! He text me [Cut to Leslie Jones] and before I can respond, he text me again. A.K.A. he wants the booty. So, I decided to play it cool and just text back something fun and flirty. “When you coming to get this ass?” Send!

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And then what? He just never responded?

Leslie Jones: Man, I wish. Instead, [Cut to Leslie Jones] he text me back the one text that no man should ever text a woman. “I just ain’t feeling you like that.” I had to read that, man! And when I read, I read out loud. So, my Uber driver was like, “Damn! That’s cold!”

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That is cold. Yes.

Leslie Jones: Oh, it gets worse. [Cut to Leslie Jones] Then he doubles down and texts me and says, “He still wants to be friends because I’m so funny.” Oh, so now I’m a clown? I’m one of those clowns that you don’t wanna have sex with?

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Leslie… Just keep going.

Leslie Jones: And let me tell you something, Colin. [Cut to Leslie Jones] Men should be feeling me like that. They always talk about how they want a strong woman who can stand on her own two feet. Well, here I am with massage 12 and I got my own money. I got you, boo! Hey, if you make me laugh, I’ll even write you off as a business expense. But don’t you ever text me, “I just ain’t feeling you like that.” You come and have sex with me and never call me back like a real gentleman!

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Now, I don’t know. I gotta say, Leslie. Now, you’re always kind of flirting and playing like you wanna sleep with me, but you don’t really feel like that.

Leslie Jones: Oh! Wait a minute! I wanna hit that! Oh, I wanna have sexuals with you Mr. Colin Jost. How am I being shuttle?

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everybody!

Leslie Jones: How am I being shuttle?

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight!

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a calendar marking October 2015 at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: October is Polish American Heritage Month. For more information about Poland, you can google it by sticking out your finger and having two other people move the keyboard up and down.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of map of California at left top corner.]

Michael Che: Police in California are searching for the person who broke into a woman’s house and stole a box containing her late husband’s ashes. It’s like they always say, “No matter what, some bitches always tryna take your man!”

[Picture changes to a Walmart logo and a cop car]

Pennsylvania police arrested a man how was caught masturbating in a Walmart parking lot. That’s how low their prices are.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a Walmart logo and a cop car at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In his defense, he was technically in the loading zone.

Michael Che: No!

[Picture changes to McDonald’s logo and map of New Hampshire]

Colin Jost: A man in New Hampshire was arrested for throwing objects around a local McDonald’s after he ordered a burger without pickles and was given a burger with pickles. The man was embarrassed by the outburst but he doesn’t think it will hurt his campaign [Picture changes to Bernie Sanders] for president.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of police badge at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A police officer in Alabama is retiring after working for 35 years without ever taking a sick day. “What can I say?” said the officer, “I hate my family!”

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of planet Mars at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Researchers have announced they have found the strongest evidence yet of flowing water on Mars. Sadly, all the fountains had signs that read, [Picture changes to drinking water fountain with alien sign on it] “Greens only”. You got long way to go on that planet too.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Dr. Ben Carson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new poll of republican voters shows that Donald Trump is now tied with Ben Carson for first place. With both candidates polling an exactly too many percent (toomany%).

[The picture changes to a Burgen King’s black burger.]

Burger King has introduced a Halloween themed burger that has a black bun. Oh, sure, but when I turn black for Halloween, I’m setting back race relation.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che. Michael Che is not happy with Colin Jost’s joke]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a book ‘A Series of Unfortunate Events’ at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I begged you not to do that. The author who wrote children’s book under the name Lemony Snicket, announced that he is donating $1 million to Planned Parenthood. It’s an amount that will cover a whole series of Unfortunate Events.

[The picture changes to a sea turtle]

Scientists have discovered a sea turtle in the south pacific that is the first glowing reptile ever found. And this just in, it’s been shot by a dentist.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Garth Brooks at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Garth Brooks claims that he has lost all of the new material for an upcoming album after his phone containing the songs died. Or, more likely, killed itself.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: What’s up everyone?

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jeb Bush and Donald Trump at left top corner.]

At a town hall even in New Hampshire this week, Jeb Bush criticized Donald Trump saying he can’t take criticism and needs to “put on his big boy pants.” But I don’t know. Things haven’t been going great recently for guys with big boy pants.

[Picture changes to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden has said he will not participate in the first democratic presidential debate but CNN says they’re still holding an empty podium in case he decides to show up last minute. Which makes me wonder, how boring is this debate gonna be? I mean, the first podium is empty, then you got the [Picture changes to Hillary Clinogn] woman who has already won, [Picture changes to Bernie Sanders] the human Lorax, [Picture changes to three other men] and three mannequins from Joseph A Bank. Che, I’ll give you $1 million right now if you can name any one of those guys.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Um, Chuck Woolery.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: See? And that might have been right. I don’t even know. You can’t even google these guys. You google them, Google’s just like, “Pass!” The only way to make this debate interesting is to have Trump moderate it. Or you have Hillary moderate it and just make it a job interview for Vice President.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton greeting people with audio saying, “I’m Hillary Clinton and I approve this joke.”]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Pope Francis and Kim Davis at right top corner.]

Michael Che: They said Friday that the Pope’s meeting with Kim Davis was just part of a greeting with several other people and does not indicate his support for her position. Yikes! Way to throw her under the [picture changes to a car] Fiat!

[Picture changes to Kim Davis] I mean, of course the Pope would meet with Kim Davis. He’s the pope. That’s his job. He gives hope to the hopeless. The prisoners, the sick, [Picture changes to John Boehner] John Boehner. The pope should be with people who need god the most. If I was pope, I’d be eating Subway sandwiches with Bill Cosby right now. We’d have a lot to talk about.

And say what you will about Kim Davis, but she’s really living a charmed life. I mean, a simple southern woman meeting all these famous and powerful people. She’s like a homophobic Forest Gump.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Also, her husband definitely looks like Bubba.

The Squad trailer

Aidy Bryant

Venessa Bayer

Kenan Thompson

[Cut to young people having a house party]

Male voice: The world was their’s until one day.

[Cut to Aidy and Venessa in the car. Venessa is driving.]

Aidy: We’re gonna be friends forever, right? Like, even after graduation?

Venessa: Are you kidding me? All we need is each other.

Male voice: The world changed.

[The radio starts making sounds. Aidy and Venessa look at the radio screen when they get into an accident.]

[Cut to Venessa waking up in the hospital]

[heart rate monitor sound]

Venessa: Hello? Hello?

[Venessa walks out of the room. The hospital is empty. She sees Aidy there too.]

Aidy: What’s going on?

Male voice: In the future.

TV: From Tokyo to London, New York, Bangkok–

[Next channel]

TV: Taylor Swift.

[Next channel]

TV: Taylor Swift.

[Next channel]

TV: Taylor Swift.

[Aidy and Venessa get out. The roads are empty.]

Male voice: It will reach a critical mass.

[Cut to Aidy and Venessa walking in an empty street]

Aidy: Oh, my god! Where did everybody go?

Male voice: In 2015, Taylor Swift created her squad. By the end of her tour, the entire world had joined.

[Cut to a huge poster or Taylor Swift being placed in a tall building of the city.]

[Cut to Aidy, Venessa and Kenan]

Kenan: First, it was the models. Then the athletes. Then it was everybody. Police, fire department, Matt LeBlanc. [starts crying]

Aidy: Did you lose someone?

Kenan: Daughters. Two of them. Squad took them.

Venessa: Where are they now?

Kenan: I don’t know. Probably having some sort of taco night.

[Cut to a city. There’s a huge smoke coming out of a building.]

Male voice: It wanted to collect the whole world.

[Cut to Kenan being pulled by someone]

Kenan: Ah! I’m going to meet Taylor.

[Cut to Aidy and Venessa walking]

Male voice: Until there was no world left to collect.

[! looking at the Instagram]

Venessa: What do they do all day?

Aidy: She invites them on stage and they like, walk around for a minute or something.

Venessa: And then? What?

Aidy: That’s it!

Kenan: It’s cold. It’s getting colder. All the craps are dying.

[Cut to Aidy seeing a dream of a model calling her to join the squad.]

[Aidy wakes up]

Venessa: What was that?

Aidy: I think it was a model who does acting now.

[Cut to a truck full of men with a speaker searching for people.]

Speaker: Join us. Everybody! We’re going to layout a matching American flag towels.

Venessa: Who even owns an American flag towel?

Aidy: I think Taylor provides them. She’s actually very generous with her friends.

Venessa: What is happening to you?

Aidy: I don’t know. I think I might feeling her whole deal.

[Cut to Aidy in front of the beam light]

Aidy: I’m ready.

Venessa: Don’t go!

Aidy: Taylor!

[Aidy can’t be seen because of the beam light.]

Male voice: The Squad. Directed by Alfonso Cuaron.

[Cut to Venessa in the empty road]

Venessa: Okay, Taylor. I’m ready. Just, wherever you are. Can kind of sweep me up or whatever.

The Millenials

Taran Killam

Kate McKinnon

Pete Davidson

Miley Cyrus

Kenan Thompson

Jaden… Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts with an announcement]

Male voice: This fall, FOX presents a workplace drama unlike anything you’ve ever seen.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: It took 25 years of work and sacrifice to climb my way to top of this company. But finally, I’m here.

[Kate walks in. She is busy using her phone.]

Kate: [speaking without looking at Taran] Hi. I know you’re talking to yourself at the window. But I need promotion.

Taran: I’m sorry. What do you want?

Kate: A promotion. And I don’t want it. I deserve it.

Taran: W-w-why? How long have you even worked here?

Kate: Three full days.

Taran: I’m sorry. Who are you again?

[Kate is smiling and looking at the camera]

[Cut to the show video bumper]

Male voice: The Millennials.

[Cut to Taran and Kate]

Taran: I’m sorry. Let me get this straight. You worked here for three days and you expect a promotion?

Kate: Um, yeah! Nothing crazy like, maybe Director of communications, or executive creator or pictures.

Taran: Pictures?

Kate: Yeah. I know Photoshop. Now, I’m gonna take a nap. Where’s the nap room?

[Kate leaves]

[Cut to Taran looking confused.]

[Cut to the show video bumper]

Male voice: The Millennials. A show that explores what no other dares to. Beautiful 20 something’s trying to find the success and love they’re entitled to.

[Cut to Pete and Miley in the office. Both of them are busy using their phones.]

Pete: Hey.

Miley: Hi.

Pete: I think you’re cute.

Miley: You do?

Pete: Yeah. I’m looking at picture of you and it’s really hot.

Miley: Oh, my god! You just fav-ed it? This is moving too fast. I mean I don’t even know how I identify.

Pete: Well, I identify as gay but I only sleep with women.

Miley: That’s very brave. I’m just gender lazy

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Oh, great! We’re talking about gender again.

[Cut to Miley and Kenan]

Miley: Oh, yeah! I’m so glad you’re here. I need to go south of France to get some perspective.

[Kenan is confused]

Kenan: So, you’re quitting?

Miley: No, I’m not a quitter. I just won’t be here at all. Dang!

Kenan: Well, we actually need you here to do your job.

Miley: [overreacting] Stop yelling at me. This is an assault.

[Cut to Pete, Miley and Kenan]

Pete: [shouting] Stop attacking her.

Miley: Ah!

[Cut to the show video bumper]

Male voice: The Millennials. Variety’s Brian Lowry says, “I met the cast and they were even more irritating than the characters they play”.

[Cut to Kate, Pete, Miley and Jaden. Jaden is at the window with his one leg over the window. Kate, Pete and Miley are busy using phone.]

Miley: Jaden, don’t do it!

Kate: Get away from that window.

[Cut to Jaden]

Jaden: I can’t go on like this. I cant… even!

[Kate, Pete and Miley. They’re busy using phone and are not even looknig at Jaden]

Miley: No! Don’t!

[Cut to Taran and Kenan looking at the others.]

Kenan: Do it! Do it!

Taran: Just do it!

[Cut to Jaden]

Jaden: Don’t try to stop me. I’ve been planning this. I’m taking a break from social media. [Jaden takes his phone out and takes a selfie. Then he throws the phone out of the window.]

[Cut to Kate, Pete and Miley]

Kate, Pete and Miley: No!

[Cut to Jaden]

Jaden: Oh, god! What have I done? I’ll be back in a second.

[Jaden jumps out of the window and falls]

[Cut to Kate, Pete and Miley]

Kate, Pete and Miley: Oh, my god!

[they run towards the window and start taking pictures]

[Cut to Kenan and Taran]

Taran: I hate these kids.

Kenan: Um-hmm!

[Cut to the show video bumper]

Male voice: The Millennials.

[The End]

Miley Cyrus monologue

Miley Cyrus

Rachel Dolezal… Venessa Bayer

Dentist… Taran Killam

Kim Davis… Aidy Bryant

Twerp… Kate McKinnon

Pizza rat… Kenan Thompson

Meek Mill… Michael Che

Drake appear… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Miley Cyrus.

[Miley Cyrus walks in and to the stage. She is wearing a dress with many colorful flowers on it.]

[cheers and applause]

Miley Cyrus: Thank you. Thank you all. Thank you very much. It is so great to be here hosting the season premiere of Saturday Night Live. I love hosting this show because it’s live. So, my parents know where I am for at least 90 minutes. And although tonight, I am on a seven second delay, not a television delay, it’s just when you smoke as much as I do, you’re always on a seven second delay. And, while I’m excited to be here, I’m also kind of sad because it feels like the summer of 2015 has officially come to an end.[music playing] And with that in mind, I’d like to take a moment to say goodbye, to all of those who made this summer what it was. [someone hands over a mic to Miley Cyrus] And while we never thing of any of these people ever, ever again, they certainly did this summer their way.

[singing] And now, the end is near
I’m so afraid, the final curtain

[Rachel Dolezal ‘Claimed to be black for twenty years’ at right side]

my friend, I’ll say it clear
I’ll take my case of which I am certain

[The dentist who killed Cecil the Lion at left side]

I believe life is full
I travel each and every highway

[Kim Davis appears at right side]

The more, slowing this
I did it my way
regrets, I’ve had a few
but then I get, too few to mention

[‘That twerp who raised the price of AIDS medication’ at the right side]

I did what I had to do
and saw it through without redemption

[Pizza rat appears at the right side]

I played each journey

[Meek Mill and Drake beef at left side]

and each and every step out of my way

[‘Lenny Cravitz’s Junk’ at right side. Kim Davis is walking behind him with her arms raised.]

and all of this, I did it my way
yes, there were times
I’m so, you knew,
we know how I bit on
more than I could chew
but through it all
I did it all

[Everybody comes to the stage]

Thank you. Thank you so much. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. I’m here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

Katz’ Deli

Venessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Miley Cyrus

Ronda… Leslie Jones

Waiter… Jon Rudnitsky

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with women colleagues having meal at a restaurant]

Venessa: It’s so cool this place is right around the corner from the office.

Cecily: Yeah, I can’t believe this is the actual table where Meg Ryan had that famous fake orgasm scene.

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Miley: Oh! ‘When Harry met Sally’ is my favorite movie.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: I must have seen it 50 times.

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: I must have seen it 100 times.

[Cut to Ronda. She is bored.]

Ronda: Let’s talk about something else please.

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: Guys, you know what would be fun?

Miley: Oh, I think where you’re going with this.

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: Me too. We order a big old plate of potato salad in Pig Out.

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: I’m gonna do the Meg Ryan part.

Miley: Oh, go ahead girl. I am sure people do it here all the time.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Okay. I’ll be Billy Crystal. Okay. [acting] Sally, no one’s ever faked it with me. I can tell. It’s pretty good.

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: [faking orgasm] Oh! Oh! Oh, yes! Yes! Yes!

Miley: Oh, my god! You are so crazy! I wanna try.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Okay, okay. No one’s ever faked it with me. I can tell–

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: You know. You don’t have to do that every time.

[Cut to Miley]

Miley: [faking orgasm] Oh! Oh! Oh, yes! Yes! Yes! [laughing] Actually what I do when I fake it.

Cecily: You had me convinced. Hey, you do it Ronda.

[Cut to Ronda shaking her head]

Ronda: No!

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: It’s fun. Just do what you do when you have an orgasm.

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: Oh! Alright! Alright! Let me see. Let me see. Oh! Oh! Oh! Yeah! [smiling] Yeah!

Miley: There you go, Ronda! You’re getting into it.

[Cut to everybody]

Ronda: Oh. [yelling] Oh, man! Oh god! This is good! [others are looking around embarrassed] You’re blowing my mind with the little pecker man! That thing sneaks up on your bro, hot dough! I mean you got it all, baby. Little pecker! [smiling] Good pumps. Faaan-tastic! Oh, no! [yelling] The condom busted! I can’t have a freaking baby! I’m a dancer!

[others are embarrassed]

That was fun. That was fun. Is that like they do it in the movie?

Miley: Not really. [Cut to Cecily and Miley] It’s more like a real orgasm.

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: Oh! Okay. I get it now. I get it.

[Cut to everybody. Waiter walks in]

Waiter: Are you ladies ready to order?

Ronda: Um, we actually need another minute.

[Waiter walks away]

Cecily: I could have ordered.

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: Okay. Um, um.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Okay, we’re not doing that anymore. Honey, okay?

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: [closing eyes] Oh, yeah! [yelling] This feels so good, good, freaking!

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Miley: Ronda!

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: [yelling] Oh, no! The condom busted through!

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Again?

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: I can’t have your baby, Marco! You are my brother’s husband!

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: What?

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: Don’t cry, Marco. If you cry, I’ll cry. You gotta stay with my brother, finish out the con. Hold on a minute, Marco. [yelling] Occupied! O-ccu-pied!

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Miley: Wait! You’re in a bathroom?

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: Clean it later! We’re using it.

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: So, that’s all happening while you’re orgasming?

[Cut to everybody. Waiter walks in.]

Waiter: Right! Are you ladies ready to order yet?

Venessa: God, yes! Thank you. Okay, three turkey sandwiches and big old plate of potato salad?

[Cut to Ronda showing her thumbs up.]

[Cut to everybody]

Waiter: Um, fun fact, did you know this is the actual table from ‘When Harry Met Sally’?

Miley: Yes. Yes. We did know that. Thankyou.

Ronda: Yeah. I liked the scene where she’s like, [Cut to Ronda] “Oh, yes! Yes! Give it to me Marco. What’s that Marco? You got a surprise for me? Well, where is it? Under the covers? I don’t see what the– [yelling] A dutch oven? Marco! Pulling the sheets over someone’s head and farting is sign of disrespect in this country. I got so much to teach you, Marco. [yelling] Oh, no! The condom busted again! You’re little pecker is too sharp!”

[Cut to everybody. They’re all embarrassed.]

[Cut to Kate sitting in another table staring at Ronda]

Kate: I’ll have what she’s having.

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: She’s having a big old plate of potato salad.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Oh, then definitely not. I’ll have a soup, hot!

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: I’m not the waiter.

[Cut to everybody]

Venessa: Let’s get out of here. I know a place that’s marvelous, baby! Perfect Billy Crystals.

[The End]