Don Roy King - Director of Saturday Night Live

That’s the Game

Quan… Chris Redd

Dante… Kenan Thompson

Harry Styles

Mikey Day

[Starts with people smuggling packages and counting money in a warehouse.]

Quan: Wrap that package. Alright man, we gotta move this out for tonight.

Dante: Quan, how come I didn’t know nothing about this shipment coming in?

Quan: Maybe that’s because that’s not your concern anymore, Dante. It’s my operation now.

Dante: You cutting me out? I thought we were partners, man. 50-50.

Quan: If we was partners, then why were you acting like the boss? Huh?

Dante: You think you can run this whole thing without me?

[Harry and Mikey who are beside Quan pull guns on Dante]

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Nothing personal.

[Cut to Harry]

Harry: Just business.

Quan: That’s a game, bruh. [Cut to Quan] Don’t trip. I’m gonna run it just like you did. Got ya coke. Ya heroin from Mexico. Move it to the stash house. Guess what I’m gonna do next.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Suppose you’re going to sell it.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Exactly. Who do you think I’m going to sell it to?

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: You the king, you tell me.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: You’re damn right I’m the king! But say I wasn’t yet, and you were. Who would you call to sell the drugs and what’s the guy’s name?

[Silence]

[Mikey and Harry are confused]

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: If I was still the king, I’d put a bullet in your goddamn head.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But then after that, who is the guy you would sell the drugs to and what’s his number and what’s a good time to call him?

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: For real?

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Bitch, I just asked you, who would you call? How much would you charge? How would you sell it? What’s his number? And where do you get those little plastic baggies you put the drugs in?

[Silence]

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Quan, do you know what you’re doing?

[Cut to Harry, Quan and Mikey]

Quan: Yeah, yo. And besides, product this pure, sells itself.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Not really.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Yo, says you. Man, look at this heroin, bruh!

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: That’s cocaine.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: It’s the same thing.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: It’s not though.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: I know that, fool. I’m saying it’s like the same thing pricewise.

[Cut to Harry]

Harry: No, it’s not.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Enough, okay! Look, I got so much of this junk right here, I could give it away and still make bank. [Quan throws the pack up]

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Yep, that’s a loose pack.

[all the cocaine falls on Quan]

[Cut to Harry, Mikey and Quan]

Quan: Oops, guess I’m out a hundred bucks.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: A hundred bucks? That’s like 30 grand.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: A-ah. [Looks at Mikey] Sweep that up. Sweep that up.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Quan, I admire your hustle, man.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Thank you kindly.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: But you didn’t know the game bruh.

[Cut to everybody]

Quan: Oh, I don’t know the game? I don’t know the game? [Quan takes his gun out] Bitch, I live this game— [All the bullets fall out from his gun] goddammit.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Yo, you hit the wrong button on that.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: That’s okay. All it takes is one bullet.

[Quan puts in the bullet from the front of the gun’s barrel]

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: That is not how that goes.

[Cut to Quan and Mikey]

Quan: Here, screw this in for me.

Mikey: Yo, you can’t screw in a bullet.

Quan: Yes, you can.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Quan, you are not ready for this.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: I was born ready for this.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Okay, so you got a lawyer sitting up shell companies to hide the cash.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: I’m calling one right now.

[Cut to Harry]

Harry: Not on your personal phone though, right?

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Nah.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: And you know about supply side economics.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Word.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: You can flood the market, after all.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Right, right. ‘Cause of, uh—

[Quan tries to copy what Dante is saying]

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Then you gotta weigh earnings against overhead.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Ooh, it is hot in here.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Of course, you gotta project seasonality in market trends. Right? [Cut to Quan getting confused with all the technical stuffs] So, even though it’s quarter four right now, you’re setting up for quarter two of next year. And you’ve got cops on the pay roll. Let them bust a little bit of the stash, a little in they pockets. [Quan loses his focus] And of course, you gotta figure out a way to get right with the Irs. Right? Get ready to make all the payoffs to the lawyers—Quan? Quan!

Quan: What?

[Cut to Harry]

Harry: Go that handled, right, Quan?

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: ‘Cause you know, if you need the help I could see about coming back on maybe a part-time basis.

[Cut to Harry]

Harry: Listen to this fool.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Yeah. Bitch, you out.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Or maybe he’s in!

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Dude—

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: You know, help with the transition and all that. But it ain’t gonna be no 50-50 split this time.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Oh, I know. ‘Cause I’m taking 80%.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: You tripping’, dog.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Okay, 100%.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Deal.

Harry: What?

Quan: But I’m still the king.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: No.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Deal. But I get to go to the meetings and all of that.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Nope.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Deal.

[Cut to Harry]

Harry: Bruh!

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: So I guess we back in business then. Clean this mess up. [Dante leaves]

[Cut to Harry]

Harry: Quan!

[Cut to Quan and MIkey]

Mikey: Yo, what just happened?

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: That’s just the game, dog. [Quan pulls up his gun but his bullets fall again] Goddammit.

Mikey: You pushin’ the button.

Quan: I ain’t pushing no button!

Weekend Update Colin Kaepernick Works Out, World’s Largest Starbucks

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Colin Kaepernick at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Colin Kaepernick held a private workout today to show that he can still play in NFL. But if he can’t, he’ll have to settle for playing with the New York Giants.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Italy map at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Italy will become the first country in the world to make it mandatory for schools to teach children about climate change. Because, as Italian scientists put it, “The earth is about to become one spicy meat-a-ball.”

[The picture changes to Starbucks logo]

The largest Starbucks in the world opened Friday in Chicago. The news was first reported in Hobo bathroom quarterly.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Sesame Street at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Sesame street has turned 50 years old which explains why big bird got Botox. You’ll like this one. [The picture changes to China’s map] During the Chinese shopping holiday known as singles day which celebrates people who are single, shoppers spent $1 billion in the first 60 seconds. Coincidentally blowing a big wad in the first 60 seconds is why many of them are single in the first place.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of sea beach and drugs at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Beaches in the South Western France have been shut down after mysterious bricks of cocaine keep washing up on shore. Prompting questions like, “Shich beaches and where exactly?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of news article at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A man in Iowa who went to a medical clinic for a circumcision and instead given a vasectomy was awarded $2 million, plus tip.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of new infinity pool of London at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The world’s first infinity pool with a 360 degree pool has opened in London on the top of a Skyscraper. Perfect for anyone who wants to fall to their death playing Marco-polo.

Weekend Update Impeachment Hearing Testimony

[Starts with “Weekend Update” intro]

Announcer: It’s “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update”. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Marie Yoganovitch at left top corner.]

Former US ambassador Marie Yoganovitch testified yesterday at the impeachment hearing, and you know she made Trump nervous because he tweeted this during her testimony—[Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet] “Everywhere Marie Yovanovitch went turned bad. She started off in Somalia. How did that go?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, as long as we’re talking about track records, Trump started off in Atlantic city. [Picture changes to an article “Trump Taj Mahan files for bankrupcy”.] How did that go?

[Picture changes to Fox News logo]

Even Fox News saw that attacking Yovanovitch was a bad move.

[Cut to Fox News debate]

Female Speaker: Should the president be tweeting at her mid-hearing? No. It makes him look like a big dumb baby.

[Cut to Colin Jost.]

Colin Jost: That’s what they’re saying on his favorite channel. That’s like if your kid turned on Nickelodeon and Dora was like, “Hey, you’ll never learn to read, fatty.”

Republicans like Jim Jordan, [Picture changes to Jim Jordan] who is still getting the hang of smiling, tried to discredit the impeachment investigation unrelated conspiracy theories including [Picture changes to Devin Nunes] Devin Nunes’ claim that democrats are only seeking nude photos of Trump which I wish was true. Because it would be so fun to see those pictures leak and then hear Trump describe his body as perfect. [Picture changes to Donald Trump’s tweet saying “My body is perfect!”] Trust me, no one is looking for naked pictures of Donald Trump. I googled “Donald Trump nudes”, and google said, “You take your nasty ass to Bing.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of impeachment hearing at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Wow, you said it, Colin. That impeachment hearing was crazy. I was watching it at home like we were supposed to and I was like, “What?” I didn’t watch it, per say, but I got the just of it just now when you was talking about it. Can I be honest? I don’t think I care [Picture changes to Donald Trump] if Donald Trump is actually guilty. I just want something happen to him. Hypothetically if you found out for a fact that Trump was actually innocent but they were sending him to jail anyway, would you mind? See, I wouldn’t mind. Is that fair?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rudy Giuliani at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Rudolph Giuliani is reportedly even telling people that he’s launching podcast but the people he’s been telling just stand there quietly in the department store. [The picture changes to Rudy Giuliani talking to the store mannequins]

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Lawyers for president Trump have filed an appeal to the supreme court to keep his tax returns secret. So, you know they’re bad. This is like if your girlfriend asked to see your texts and you just threw your phone in the ocean.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Roger Stone at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Yesterday, Roger Stone was found guilty of multiple federal crimes. I don’t know if you remember but this guy once put on an ad on the internet looking for muscular, well hung black men. So, jackpot.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Sean Spicer dancing on a stage at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And sad news this week. Sean Spicer was eliminated from “Dancing with the stars.” I know. It’s hard, yeah. President Trump tweeted his support for Spicer saying, “A great try by Sean. We’re all proud of you!” But Sean, if you’re watching, no, we’re not.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Steven Miller at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Steven Miller has been accused of promoting white nationalism in a series of 900 emails he sent to Breitbart. Isn’t it funny that it’s always guys who look like this that are promoting white supremacy? He looks like he dresses up as his mother to commit knife murders. I feel like if you’re going to be white supremacist, you should look like Colin, [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their set] at least, right?

Colin Jost: What?

Michael Che: I mean if I was trying to prove the superiority of the Arian race, I wouldn’t use Steven Miller’s face, I would use yours.

Colin Jost: You don’t have to make that point.

Michael Che: Don! Do a screen split of Colin and Steven Miller.

[Cut to split screen of Colin Jost live and a picture of Steven Miller.]

Colin Jost: Oh, you don’t have to do that. That’s not–

Michael Che: Audience, by round of applause. Who do you think Hitler would want to be friends with? [Colin Jost is laughing] Steven Miller or Colin Jost?

Colin Jost: Can you just stop it?

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their set]

Michael Che: Just take the compliment, bro. You’re beautiful.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, thank you.

Weekend Update Jeff Sessions on His Trump-Friendly Campaign Ads

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Colin Jost

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: Last week, former Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced a bid to regain his Alabama senate seat by releasing an ad campaign, “so complimentary of Trump” that many called it ‘groveling and pathetic’. Here to comment, Jeff sessions.

[Jeff Sessions joins Colin Jost.]

Jeff Sessions: Hello, Colin. Jeff. It’s good to be here.

Colin Jost: Mr. Sessions, welcome back. I’m so excited to talk about your campaign.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, me too. But actually, do you mind if I have a little bite of food before we start?

[Jeff Sessions takes a big fruit out and starts chewing]

Colin Jost: What is that, senator?

[Cut to Jeff Sessions]

Jeff Sessions: Oh, this is a sesame seed. Just like the kind that was on Mr. Trump’s big mac buns.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Jeff Sessions]

Colin Jost: I have to say, it sounds like you really miss him.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, I do, I do. But I know he still cares about me. See, don’t forget, [Cut to Jeff Sessions] I was the very first person to endorse Mr. Trump. I’m a pioneer. Like Neil Armstrong. Only instead of flying to the moon, I dug straight down to hell.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Jeff Sessions]

Colin Jost: A lot of people are saying that you’re just kind of sucking up to the president.

Jeff Sessions: Sucking up? No. Does this sound like sucking up to you?

[Cut to Jeff Sessions doing his commercial live]

Hello. I’m Jeff Sessions and I love you, Mr. Trump. When you fired me, did I write some nasty tell-all book? No. Did I get mad when you called me Mr. Magoo but Fuglier? No. when you called animal control on me, well, I just got in that little cage. So, vote for Jeff Sessions, because I will bend over backwards for you, Alabama, and I will bend over forward for Mr. Trump.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Jeff Sessions]

Colin Jost: Jeff. Come on!

Jeff Sessions: That was pretty good.

Colin Jost: Pretty good? It felt like a message from a hostage video. A lot of people are saying you have Stockholm syndrome.

[Cut to Jeff Sessions]

Jeff Sessions: Well, that’s a damn lie. I do not have Stockholm syndrome.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Jeff Sessions]

Colin Jost: I just don’t understand– I don’t understand a couple of things. I don’t understand why you would want the approval of someone who has called you some pretty harsh names?

Jeff Sessions: OH, Colin, hush your mouth. We buried that hatchet in my latest ad. Look at this.

[Cut to Jeff Sessions doing his commercial live]

Hello, I’m Jeff Sessions, or as my hero Mr. Trump has called me, dumb Southerner, Dumb Ass Southerner, Dumb Southerner Dumb Ass, Deep fried idiot, two shrimps short of a gum and messed up baby. And I forgot where I was going with this but I will fight for you, Alabama, and I will let you hunt me for sport, Mr. Trump.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Jeff Sessions]

Colin Jost: Jeff, come on. Where is your dignity? How do you sleep at night?

Jeff Sessions: Why I would sheep at night? That’s when everybody throws out their apple cores.

Colin Jost: I think these ads are making you look kind of weak, you know? One conservative pundit recently asked if you still had your balls.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, no. I rescued myself from them a long time ago.

[Cut to Jeff Sessions. He wears Trump’s red hat.]

Mr. Trump, please look after my balls. Keep them safe in your jacket pocket next to Mitch McConnell’s or dangling off your golf cart like a pair of nuts. In conclusion, vote for me and I will go to back for Alabama and I’ll go to third base for you Mr. Trump.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Jeff Sessions]

Colin Jost: No, you’re not gonna win.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, fine! He can round the basement.

Colin Jost: Jeff Sessions everyone.

Jeff Sessions: This is my legacy. This is my legacy.

Weekend Update Scooter Rineholdt

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set.]

Michael Che: This week it was announced that Dean Foods, America’s largest diary milk producer is filing for bankruptcy. Here to comment is Dean Food’s president of milk distribution, Scooter Rineholdt.

[Scooter Rineholdt joins Michael Che.]

Scooter Rineholdt: Hey! Got an ice cold cow’s milk for you. That’s a good stuff right there.

Michael Che: No thanks. I’m good.

Scooter Rineholdt: So, they got you, too, huh Che? There is nothing wrong with drinking cow’s milk, okay? [Cut to Scooter Rineholdt] I don’t know where these rumors came from. “Dairy is bad for you.” “Cows don’t like it when you touch their boobies.” It’s just not true, Che!