Don Roy King - Director of Saturday Night Live

Cut for Time Jason

Jason… Harry Styles

Scotty… Kyle Mooney

Colby… Chris Redd

[Starts with a video clip of a school]

[bell rings]

[Cut to the students at their lockers]

[Scotty is at his locker. Jason and his friends walk near him.]

Bryan: Hey, Jason. Look, it’s your lame older brother.

Jason: Hey, come on, man! That’s not cool. What’s up, Scotty?

[Cut to Scotty]

Scotty: Nothing. Okay?

Jason’s friend: So, Scotty, does it suck to know that your little brother is more popular that you?

[Cut to Scotty]

Scotty: I don’t care about popularity.

Bryan: Then, [Cut to everybody] I guess you don’t care about this.

[Jason’s friend pours his drink on Scotty’s head]

Jason: Take it easy, Bryan! Hey, Scotty, mom asked me to take out the trash, but we’re going to go watch that new action movie with all the girls. Will you do me solid?

[Cut to Scotty]

Scotty: Sure, Jason. Have fun.

[Cut to everybody]

Jason: Thanks! I owe you big bro.

[Jason and his friends leave]

[Music stars]

[Cut to the music video]

Scotty: Jason thinks he’s so damn cool,

he’s a freshman, I’m a senior at school

‘friends’, I guess he’s got quite a few

I don’t have many but it’s nothing new

because I’m unique, and I’m on my own path

I draw castles, write stories in class

to me that’s cool, I’m not causing trouble with the buddies

or kissing girls and being cute and funny

the wrestling team is also a source

but he made Varsity, I did not!

It hurt me, and I feel so alone,

and the worst thing is, Jason lives at my home.

I hate my little brother, I wish I had another

J-J-Jason, you’re not that cool

I hate my little brother, I wish I had another

you should go to another school

Jason thinks he’s cool because he tried beer,

but I got news for you, right here!

It’s not cool! Because you’re under age

Follow rules like me and stay safe

Now, that’s cool, so is reading for pleasure

imagining the world, now that’s a treasure,

also, I’m pretty sure mom loves you more than me…

anyway, here’s a rap by Colby

[Colby enters]

Colby: Ya’ll know me.

Scotty: Colby!

Colby: L-i-t-t-l-e brother, another boy that came from your mother

but me? I only have a dog and a kitty cat

they’re my brothers but you think about dad

Scotty: What? No! The song isn’t about animals. It’s about my little brother. And why was it so short?

Colby: Sorry man! I was really busy this week.

Scotty: Forget it! Let’s just do our flows.

Colby: Alright!

[Colby and Scotty start somersaulting]

Jason: Yo, Scotty!

[Cut to Jason walks to Scotty in the school]

I’m sorry about my friends. Do you want to come and see the movie with us? It’s supposed to be the most exposed they’ve ever had!

Scotty: No way! Don’t you get it? You and your friends are bad people. Sometimes I wish you had never been born.

Jason: Oh! Okay!

[Music starts]

[Cut to the music video of Jason]

Jason: Scotty, can’t you see?

you’re the guy I wish I could be

stories and drawings and all of your books

I take it all over my good looks

the pressure to be the coolest of class

it’s not worth it and I know it won’t last

yes, I’ve had sex and it feels great

the girl’s body, butt, the shape

it’s amazing, a ride like no other

except for when you’re hanging with your brother

but back to sex, such a good feeling

call me pig-boy because you know I’ll be squealing

back to you, number 1 big bro,

I love you Scotty, just had to let you know

[Cut to the school]

Jason: So, what do you say? Movie?

Scotty: I guess my answer is…

[Cut to Scotty’s music video]

Scotty: Yes!

[Cut to the school]

Jason: Great!

[Colby joins with his cat and dog]

Colby: What about me?

Jason: Yeah, right! I’m going to go with Colby instead.

[Colby passes his dog and cat to Scotty]

[Jason and Colby leave]

[Even the cat Colby left pours a drink on Scotty’s head]

[Bell rings]

Days of Our Impeachment Cold Open

Adam Schiff… Alex Moffat

Jim Jordan… Mikey Day

Marie Yovanovitch… Cecily Strong

Bill Taylor

Rudy Guiliani… Kate McKinnon

Gordon Sondland… Kyle Mooney

Michael Avenatti… Pete Davidson

Alexandria Ocasio Cortez… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with an intro]

Announcer: This week, 13 million Americans tuned in to watch the impeach hearings, as multiple officials testified against President Trump. But some complained the hearings were ‘lacking in pizzazz,’ ‘dull,’ and ‘not the masked singer.’ So to make sure people are paying attention, we now present the hearings in a way that underscores how scandalous these revelations really are. This is… “Days of our Impeachment”, where only thing at stake is democracy. Starring Adam Schiff.

Adam Schiff: Excitement, emotion and none of it from me.

Announcer: The cross examiner with a mysterious brain injury, Jim Jordan.

Jim Jordan: I got my sleeves rolled up because my job is yelling at a woman.

Announcer: The former ambassador to Ukraine, Marie Yovanovitch.

Marie Yovanovitch: Why did Trump come after me? I committed the ultimate sin. I was good at my job.

Announcer: And Jon Hamm as career diplomatic, Bill Taylor.

Bill Taylor: I don’t just kiss and tell. I kiss and tell, and I take notes.

Announcer: Like the real timeline, this is Days Of Our Impeachment.

[Cut to the impeachment]

Adam Schiff: Ordering the chamber, ambassador Yovanovitch, your opening statement?

[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch]

Marie Yovanovitch: Thank you, chairman Schiff. If that is your real name.

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: It is.

[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch]

Marie Yovanovitch: Okay, great. I’m only here today because I was a target of a smear campaign by President Trump and Rudy Giuliani that left me publicly humiliated and without a job.

[Cut to Jim Jordan]

Jim Jordan: Enough! Enough! This witness is clearly here because she loves attention.

[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch]

Marie Yovanovitch: Oh, yeah. I love the glamor and the spotlight. That’s why I spent my career in Ukraine and Somalia.

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: Funny you should mention Solamia. Because the president—[suspicious sound]

[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch]

Marie Yovanovitch: Is right behind me? Is that why you look so shocked?

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: No. This is just how my eyes look. The president just sent a tweet.

[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch and Heidi behind her.]

Heidi: A tweet? Oh! [Heidi faints]

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: Let the record show the President is intimidating the witness.

[Cut to Jim Jordan]

Jim Jordan: Intimidating? If the president wanted to intimidate you, he’d shoot you in the face in the 5th avenue.

[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch]

Marie Yovanovitch: Okay, and then would you impeach him?

[Cut to Jim Jordan]

Jim Jordan: Well, we would have to look at the facts but no.

[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch. Bill Taylor walks to the seat near her.]

Bill Taylor: Not so fast.

Marie Yovanovitch: Bill Taylor?

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: What are you dong here?

[Cut to Bill Taylor]

Bill Taylor: Unlike the people in the Trump administration, I show up. And I have a bombshell revelation. There was a second phone call.

[Cut to Bill Taylor, Marie Yovanovitch and Heidi]

Heidi: A second phone call? [Heidi faints again]

[Cut to Bill Taylor]

Bill Taylor: That’s right. You knew about the first call but no one expected phone call number two.

[Rudy Giuliani walks in]

Rudy Giuliani: Did someone say unexpected number two?

Bill Taylor: Rudy Giuliani?

Rudy Giuliani: That’s right. Mercury is in retro grade so my powers are at an all time high. And I have an insurance policy in case the president turns against me. I’m going to die in a mysterious boat explosion.

Bill Taylor: You’re going to fake your own death.

Rudy Giuliani: Fake it? Oh, great! I’ll do that.

[Cut to the show intro]

Announcer: The show critics are calling “necessary to get people’s attention,” and “the first soap where you can’t imagine any of the people in it having sex.”

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: The chair now recognizes–

Unknown voice: Not so fast!

[Cut to Bill Taylor, Marie Yovanovitch and Mitch McConnell]

Marie Yovanovitch: Mitch McConnell?

Mitch McConnell: That’s right. And the senate has voted. Acquitted.

Bill Taylor: But this matter is not even before the senate yet.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell]

Mitch McConnell: Oh, sorry. Sorry for the spoiler. Just tell me when I’m supposed to say it. Acquitted.

[Cut to everybody]

Rudy Giuliani: Not so fast.

Marie Yovanovitch: Rudy, you’re facing the wrong direction.

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, where? Oh, where the cameras at? Not so fast.

Marie Yovanovitch: You had a new revelation, too?

Rudy Giuliani: No. I meant, not so fast like, don’t talk so fast. I’m having trouble understanding what’s happening. Normally I watch fox news in low motion with the sound turned up to 100.

[Cut to the show intro]

Announcer: A ‘ridiculous melodrama’ that ‘somehow less crazy than what’s really happening in our government.’

[Cut to Bill Taylor]

Bill Taylor: Gordon Sondland told me Trump was withholding aid to get political dirt on Biden. I rarely say this as a diplomat, but I told him that was cuckoo-doo-doo-nut-sack-bananas.

Gordan Sondland: Not so fast.

Marie Yovanovitch: Ambassador Gordon Sondland?

Gordan Sondland: That’s right. I’m part of this too. And I know that I said in earlier testimony that there was no quid pro quo. But that’s because I had amnesia. My amnesia is fine again and I remember, there was a quid pro quo.

[Cut to everybody]

Heidi: Aladin phrase? [Heidi faints again]

Michael Avenatti: Not so fast.

Marie Yovanovitch: Michael Avenatti?

Michael Avenatti: That’s right. I’m that name you just said. I have a bombshell that will change everything. The president had an affair. [suspicious sound]

Marie Yovanovitch: Oh, yes. We know.

Michael Avenatti: Oh, you do?

Bill Taylor: That story is from like last season.

Michael Avenatti: Oh, alright. Very well. [Cut to Michael Avenatti] Then maybe this will interest you. The affair was with a porn star. [suspicious sound]

[Cut to everybody]

Marie Yovanovitch: Yes, but we know. No one seems to care.

Michael Avenatti: Oh, really? Oh, damn! Alright. Oh fine, I’ll go. You haven’t seen the last of me. Who am I playing again?

Marie Yovanovitch: Michael Avenatti.

Michael Avenatti: Michael Avocado.

[Cut to the show intro]

Announcer: And featuring the telenovela sensation, Alexandria Ocasio Cortez.

[Cut to Alexandria Ocasio Cortez]

Alexandria Ocasio Cortez: This hearing is lacking one thing. A star. That is why you need Alexandria Ocasio Cortez.

Man: Alexandria. I didn’t expect to see you here.

Alexandria Ocasio Cortez: And I din’t expect you to be such a low key daddy. Now, here’s a red new deal. It’s my lips.

[They kiss]

[Cut to Jim Jordan]

Jim Jordan: Okay. What? Chairman? I object.

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: I’ll allow it.

[Cut to Myles Garrett, Bill Taylor and Marie Yovanovitch]

Myles Garrett : Enough!

Marie Yovanovitch: Wait. The guy with the helmet?

[Cut to Myles Garrett]

Myles Garrett: That’s right. I have seen enough. I am tired of being falsely accused. You see, what had happened was I saw another player who had lost his helmet somehow and I thought, “Oh, he should be wearing a helmet.” So, I attempted to put it back on his head.

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: Mr. Garrett, you are on trial here.

[Cut to Myles Garrett]

Myles Garrett: Oh, I know. President Trump just pardoned me too for the warcraft. He said I could bring a helmet to Afghanistan and just go nuts. Rudy Giuliani: Not so fast.

Marie Yovanovitch: It’s Rudy Giuliani’s evil twin.

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, no, just regular Rudy. I tried to do that thing where you hold up a magnifying glass and say I’m going to look into that but instead I grabbed a hammer. I took my own eye off. Not my best day. Not my worst.

[Cut to Myles Garrett]

Myles Garrett: Oh my god, it’s a bad person. [Myles Garrett hits Rudy Giuliani with his helmet]

Bill Taylor: Is Rudy okay?

Rudy Giuliani: I think he might have fixed me. But to find it, you’ll have to tune in next time on—

Everybody: Live from New York! It’s Saturday Night!

Funeral DJs

Aidy Bryant

Dad… Beck Bennett

Father… Mikey Day

Marcus… Harry Styles

Luke… Chris Redd

Pete Davidson

Alex Moffat

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a video clip of a church]

Aidy: It’s so hard, knowing that you’re gone, Nana. [Cut to inside the church at funeral.] But at least we know you’re in a better place. Right, dad?

Dad: Yeah, I love you, mom.

[Aidy and Dad leave]

Father: Well, it’s clear that Betty had a special place in all of our hearts. Now, as it says in the book of Psalms, praise the lord god with timbrel and dancing. So we would like to close out today’s ceremony with a musical tribute from Betty’s close personal friends, Marcus and Luke.

[Dance music starts playing with disco lights]

[Cut to the visitors of the funeral]

Aidy: What’s going on, dad?

Dad: I don’t know.

[Cut to the funeral casket. Two DJs come in making noise.]

Marcus: Yo, all right Meyer’s family. Time to turn up. Who’s ready to get sad today?

Luke: Who’s ready?

Marcus: How are we all doing tonight?

[Cut to Alex and Melissa]

Alex: Yes.

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Marcus: I said, how we all doing tonight?

[Cut to the people at funeral]

Everybody: Bad!

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Luke: Now, we all are on board.

Marcus: Let’s blow this place up. And celebrate the life of Betty Meyers. 89 years old.

Luke: R-R-Rest in peace, bitch.

[Cut to Aidy and Dad]

Dad: Excuse me?

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Marcus: She had a full life, yo.

Luke: Full ass life.

Marcus: But she’s gone now. And you sad, get your ass up right now.

Luke: Get your sad ass up. Yo, let’s bounce.

[Music changes to ‘Say Something’ by Big World]

Song: Say something I’m giving up on you.

[The DJs take off their glasses]

[Cut to Alex and Melissa]

Alex: I’m very confused by all this.

Melissa: Me, too.

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Marcus: It’s okay to feel confused.

Luke: Because your grandma’s dead.

[Dance music stars playing]

[Cut to the people at funeral]

Aidy: What is this?

Melissa: I don’t know. But I kind of like it.

Dad: I don’t. And it is my mom. Who are these guys?

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Marcus: We are funeral DJs. I thought that was obvious. Now we’ve got a question for you all.

Luke: H-H-How you holding up?

[Cut to the people at funeral]

Alex: Get that laptop off my Nana’s casket, you jackass.

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Marcus: Can’t do that. But I can ask you to follow us under the Facebook name DJ Casket!

[Cut to Aidy and Dad]

Aidy: Wait, now I’m more confused. Is your name DJ Casket or DJ Casket Twins?

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Marcus: We only say this one more time. We are DJ Casket.

Luke: Twins..

[Cut to Aidy and Dad]

Dad: How the hell are you guys twins?

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

[The music changes to Sarah McLachlan – In the arms of an angel]

Marcus: You know, even though Betty is not here, doesn’t mean she’s not around. \

Robot voice: She in heaven smoking blunts.

[Dance music starts playing again]

[Cut to the people at funeral]

Melissa: Nana smoked blunts? That’s cool.

Aidy: Father Daigle, why are you doing this to us?

Alex: Get these guys out of here.

[Cut to Father, Marcus and Luke]

Father: Look, please remember that these guys were close personal friends of your mom’s.

[Cut to Aidy and Dad]

Dad: [In angry voice] And how do you know that?

[Cut to Father, Marcus and Luke]

Father: Because that’s what they said. Do these guys look like liars?

[Cut to the people at funeral]

Dad: Yes, they said they were twins.

Melissa: I don’t know. I think these guys are kind of cool.

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Marcus: All right. Before we bring this home, Scott is going to come around for the tithes and offerings.

[Cut to the people at funeral. There’s a man wearing funky dress and asking for offerings]

Pete: Hey, what’s up? We appreciate the money that jingles, but we love the money that balls.

Aidy: Who are you?

Pete: I’m the official manager of DJ Casket. Look, I know you’re sad today. But the good news is, heaven’s got brand new ho.

Aidy: What?

Melissa: Go grandma.

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Marcus: All right. Let’s bring it home. And remember–

[Music changes to R.E.M. – Everybody Hurts]

Marcus: [Singing]

Don’t let yourself go

coz…

[Music changes to C+C Music Factory – Gonna Make You Sweat]

Song: Everybody dance now!

[Marcus and Luke open their pants. They’re wearing underwear with ‘RIP Betty’ written on them.]

Marcus: Rest in peace, Betty.

[Cut to Aidy and Dad]

Aidy: Dad, why are you crying?

Dad: Because mom would have actually liked this.

Harry Styles Lights Up (Live)

[Starts with Cecily Strong, Aidy Bryant and Kate McKinnon announcing Harry Style’s performance]

Cecily Strong, Aidy Bryant and Kate McKinnon: Ladies and gentlemen, Harry Styles.

[Cheers and applause]

[Music playing]

[Harry styles is on the stage with a band]

Harry Styles: What do you mean?
I’m sorry by the way
Never coming back down
Can’t you see?
I could, but wouldn’t stay
Wouldn’t put it like that
What do you mean?
I’m sorry by the way
Never coming around
Be so sweet if things just stayed the same
(La-da-da-da-da)

All the lights couldn’t put out the dark
Runnin’ through my heart
Lights up and they know who you are
Know who you are
Do you know who you are?

Shine, step into the light
Shine, so bright sometimes
Shine, I’m not ever going back
Shine, step into the light
Shine, so bright sometimes
Shine, I’m not ever going back
Shine, step into the light
Shine, so bright sometimes
Shine, I’m not ever (oh)

What do you mean?
I’m sorry by the way
Never going back now
Be so sweet if things just stayed the same

All the lights couldn’t put out the dark
Runnin’ through my heart
Lights up and they know who you are
Know who you are
Do you know who you are?

[Musics stops]

[Cheers and applause]

Harry Styles Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Band playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen—Harry Styles.

[Harry Styles walks in and to the stage]

[Music stops]

[Cheers and applause]

Harry Styles: Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you so much. It is so great to be here hosting ‘Saturday Night Live’ for the first time. [Cheers and applause] I’m so excited to be here as more than just a musical guest. It feels amazing. It feels like you find out someone likes you as more than just a friend. Saturday Night Live and I have taken things to next level. And just like all my serious relationships, we’re all going to spend one incredible night together and then we’ll never see each other again.

This is new territory for me. I’m so excited to do comedy tonight. But I just want to make it clear to you all that my priority is the music. It goes music, then comedy. Well, let’s be honest. It goes music, then fantastic hair, then comedy, then family, then friends. But ultimately, I’m a very serious musician. And nothing says serious musician like talking while playing the piano.

[Harry Styles walks to a piano]

Oh, yeah. Like this one right here.

[Cut to Harry Styles playing piano]

Oh, that feels good. You know, in Britain we play piano on the other side of the road. Now, I don’t know if you’ve heard but I’m not a boy band anymore. I’m in a man band now. I was in a band called One Direction. How crazy would it be if they were here tonight? Well, they’re not here. Wouldn’t it be crazy if they were, though? They’re not. I love those guys. They’re my brothers. Niall, Louis, Liam, and um… Oh, Ringo. Yeah, that’s it! Just so grateful Simon Cowell grew up those test tubes. You know, for me, it’s not about the fame or the money. It’s about the music. It’s about the art, about the art and the music and the music and the art. I believe that music is the universal language. Especially songs performed in English ‘cause that’s the only language I understand.

Now, maybe some of you aren’t convinced I’m a serious musician. You may be asking yourself, “Is he really playing that piano right now?” Well, to find out, just take a look at the ‘B’ cam.

[Cut to Harry Style’s hands playing piano]

Read them and weep.

[Cut to Harry Styles playing piano]

I love being here at SNL. So much history.

[Harry raises his both hands and takes a sip of martini, but the piano is still playing]

I have learned so much this week. Here’s a few secrets about the show. Did you know they put make-up on the boys too? That is funny. In fact, the make-up team is so talented, I’m actually Kate McKinnon. And here’s a secret about the Rockefeller Christmas tree. It’s Jewish.

Also, everybody thinks the cast does a lot of cocaine. They don’t. That’s why the show’s not good anymore. Except tonight. I think I’m just about ready to take you home. Can we get that B-camera one more time?

[Cut to Harry Style’s hands playing piano. There are three hands.]

Mm, yeah, music. We’ve got a great show. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.

[Cheers and applause]

Harry Styles Watermelon Sugar

[Starts with an announcer announcing Harry Style’s performance]

Announcer: Once again, Harry Styles.

[Cheers and applause]

[Music playing]

Harry Styles: Tastes like strawberries on a summer evenin’
And it sounds just like a song
I want more berries and that summer feelin’
It’s so wonderful and warm

Breathe me in, breathe me out
I don’t know if I could ever go without
I’m just thinking out loud
I don’t know if I could ever go without

Watermelon sugar high
Watermelon sugar high
Watermelon sugar high
Watermelon sugar high
Watermelon sugar

Strawberries on a summer evenin’
Baby, you’re the end of June
I want your belly and that summer feelin’
Getting washed away in you

Breathe me in, breathe me out
I don’t know if I could ever go without

Watermelon sugar high
Watermelon sugar high
Watermelon sugar high
Watermelon sugar high
Watermelon sugar high
Watermelon sugar high
Watermelon sugar high
Watermelon sugar high

I just wanna taste it, I just wanna taste it
Watermelon sugar high

Tastes like strawberries on a summer evenin’
And it sounds just like a song
I want your belly and that summer feelin’
I don’t know if I could ever go without

Watermelon sugar high
Watermelon sugar high
Watermelon sugar high
Watermelon sugar high
Watermelon sugar high
Watermelon sugar high
Watermelon sugar high
Watermelon sugar high

I just wanna taste it, I just wanna taste it (Woo)
Watermelon sugar high
I just wanna taste it, I just wanna taste it (Ooh)
Watermelon sugar high
Watermelon sugar

[Music stops]

[Cheers and applause]

Joan Song

Joan… Aidy Bryant

Steve… Kyle Mooney

Doug… Harry Styles

[Starts with Joan sitting on a sofa]

[Music playing]

Joan: Hi, I’m Joan and I currently live alone

in a small nice home

nobody calls me on the telephone

so, it’s me and just me

I used to live with my boyfriend Steve

but Steve chose to leave

because he found me boring and additionally he was Cheating on me

but I’ll be okay

I found a new guy I like better anyway

he’s hot, oh, he’s hot

He likes my body and my personality a lot

[Joan is carrying a Chihuahua]

My dog is my boyfriend

we are in love

he’s a 12-pound Chihuahua

found him on the street and I named him Doug

Doug I love you

I love you big fat neck

Doug is my new boyfriend

don’t worry we don’t have sex

Doug likes romance

Once I showed him pictures of Paris, France

Doug, we just kiss

we talk for hours then I take him out to piss

he watches me while I get ready

then we share a bowl of meatballs and spaghetti

OH, Doug, how I wish you could speak

Even for a moment just to make a squeak

I think I know what you’d say

but I like to imagine it anyway

[The Chihuahua grows to a human being (Harry Styles)]

(Doug) Harry Styles: Joan I love you

I love the way you feed me ham

You’re my life, my love, my everything.

I love you just the way you am

The taste of your bathroom garbage

sends me into overdrive

I’m terrified of vacuum’s

but you’re the most gorgeous woman alive

Joan and Doug: We are in love we are in love

until our dying day

[Cut to Joan in her room singing]

Joan: You are so cool and so funny

in every single way

[Cut to Doug and Joan]

Both: I get to stars we kiss the sky

and together we’ll live forever

Doug: Joan I have to go back.

Joan: No, why?

Doug: They said could I only be a man of an hour.

Joan: But who said that?

Doug: God, and his friends.

Joan: Fine, if that’s how it has to be.

Doug: But wait, before I go I have to tell you something.

Joan: Anything.

Doug: I ate two of your socks and three pairs of your underwear. It’s caused a blockage in my intestines and it will cost you $8,000. I’m sorry Joan.

Joan: It’s okay Doug, you’re worth it.

[With all the lightnings, Doug changes back to a Chihuahua]

Joan: Doug I love you

You love me too that’ know

You’re not just my boyfriend

to me you’re the best in show

I love you, Doug

Lunch Run

Kenan Thompson

Heidi Gardner

Rob… Harry Styles

Melissa Villaseñor

Chris Redd

Ego Nwodim

[Starts with a video clip of a commercial building]

Kenan: I’ve got to say. I think it’s a done deal. So, fingers crossed.

[Cut to inside the office]

Heidi: Okay, everybody. The contracts are officially signed.

[Everybody is celebrating]

[Cut to Heidi and Rob]

So, lunch is on the company today. And our new intern, Rob from the UK, is going to pick it up. Thank you, Rob.

Rob: No problem.

Heidi: So, where are we going? Any suggestions?

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa: There is a new Thai place that’s supposed to be good.

[Cut to Ego]

Ego: Or, how about pizza? That’s always fun to share.

[Cut to Heidi and Rob]

Rob: Sorry, can I make a suggestion?

Heidi: Sure.

Rob: Cool. I thought I could get us all those new chicken sandwiches from Popeye’s.

[Cut to Kenan. He is staring at Rob.]

Kenan: From where now?

[Cut to Rob]

Rob: From Popeye’s. They don’t have one in England but it’s just like KFC, right?

[Cut to Kenan.]

Kenan: No. No, it’s not.

[Cut to Rob]

Rob: Either way, I thought I could go there by myself and get like 15 chicken sandwiches.

[Cut to Ego staring at Rob.]

Ego: By yourself? So, what you want to go to a Popeye’s alone in the middle of the lunch rush, then buy up all the chicken sandwiches?

[Cut to Rob]

Rob: Yes. That’s the plan.

[Cut to Kenan.]

Kenan: Is there even a Popeye’s around here?

[Cut to Rob]

Rob: Sure. I found one just down the street on Frederick Douglass Boulevard.

[Cut to Ego and Kenan staring at Rob]

Kenan: Did you say Frederick Douglass Boulevard?

[Cut to Rob]

Rob: Yes. It’s right between the liquor store and the foot locker.

[Cut to Ego and Kenan staring at Rob. Ego stands.]

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa: Sounds great. I love chicken sandwiches.

[Cut to Heidi and Rob]

Heidi: Sure, I’m down. I heard their chicken sandwich was so popular that they were out of them for three months.

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa: Yeah. And when people discovered that they didn’t have any left, they didn’t like it.

[Cut to Kenan.]

Kenan: Man, they went crazy.

[Cut to Rob]

Rob: I’ll be fine. But I hear there’s a line out the door every afternoon. I’m sure they’ll just let me cut. I’ll just go in and say, “Give me every chicken sandwiches you have, I’m in a hurry.”

[Cut to Ego looking at Kenan]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Do you really think you can do that?

[Cut to Rob]

Rob: Absolutely. Don’t worry. Even though I’m just an intern, I get things done. I don’t mind yelling if I need to. Even if the cashier is a woman.

[Cut to Chris (Cleaner) staring at Rob]

Chris: I don’t even know you but I don’t think I can let you do this.

[Cut to Rob]

Rob: Don’t worry. I’ll be fine.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Rob, at least take me with you. You can’t carry all that food.

[Cut to Rob]

Rob: No way. I’m the intern and it is my job. And I can hold a lot of sandwiches. I’ll just wear my big backpack and my long coat.

[Cut to Ego and Kenan]

Both: No.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: Okay, you gonna die.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan: Okay, look. I’ve got to level with you. There are not many things in this country [Cut to Kenan and Rob] where our people get first dibs but the Popeye’s Chicken Sandwich, that’s one of them.

Rob: Okay.

Ego: It’s like, [Cut to everybody] you have to take a step back on this one. Alright? Imagine if I went to a whole foods and bought up all those white claw seltzers you all like.

[Cut to Heidi staring at Ego]

Heidi: That’s just selfish.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan: You see? You see that reaction right there? Imagine that times a million.

Chris: We cannot put you in the middle of that situation like that.

[Cut to Kenan and Rob]

Rob: Sorry. I’m going. I have to.

Kenan: Don’t.

Rob: I have to.

Announcer: Jordan Peele presents White Get Out, starring Harry Styles as intern Robert E. Lee. Now available on Disney Plus.

Sara Lee

Jake… Bowen Yang

Dylan… Harry Styles

Cecily Strong

[Starts with video clip of Sara Lee building]

Dylan: You called me in?

[Cut to the office]

Jake: Hi there, Dylan, have a seat.

Cecily: Dillan, I was just telling Santino—

Jake: Oh, it’s Jake.

[Cut to Cecily and Jake]

Cecily: Okay, I’m sorry. I was telling him about your work managing the company Instagram here at Sara Lee.

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: Yeah. And I love representing the brand. People love bread content.

[Cut to Cecily and Jake]

Jake: Yeah, that’s a actually why we brought you in today. Since we flagged some activity on the account that has been a little off message.

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: Oh. I don’t think so.

[Cut to Cecily and Jake]

Cecily: Well, for example, why did Sara Lee comment on this picture [Cut to the Instagram picture of Nick Jonas] of Nick Jonas saying, “Wreck me daddy”? And then comment a month later again with “Destroy me king.”

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: Oh, I see what happened. I’ve been mixing up the Sara Lee Instagram with my personal Instagram account?

[Cut to Cecily and Jake]

Cecily: Mm-hmm, we figured. And Sara Lee has also been obsessed with this random guy with only 200 followers.

Jake: For him, Sara Lee commented [Cut to Instagram picture of a random guy] with a few egg plants, water drops, a train and a ghost emoji.

[Cut to everybody]

Cecily: And that’s a reference to—

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: Getting railed to death. Yes.

[Cut to Cecily and Jake]

Jake: See, the worst part is this guy didn’t even like Sara Lee’s comment. And that’s really bad for the brand.

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: I didn’t notice.

[Cut to Cecily and Jake]

Cecily: Well, I think you did. Because three hours later [Cut to Instagram picture of a random guy] Sara Lee commented, “Shy no response?”

Jake: Again, really bad for the brand.

Cecily: If Nick Jonas won’t like Sara Lee’s comment, fine. But some random fashion twink?

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: Yeah. Sara Lee’s feelings were hurt by that. It’s okay though.

[Cut to Cecily and Jake]

Cecily: Well, the other component to this is you’ve been captioning the company’s images with your own voice too.

[Cut to everybody]

Jake: Here’s this one.

Cecily: So you should have written something like, [Cut to Cecily and Jake] “Sara Lee fact. Our Texas toast is part of delicious grilled cheese.”

Jake: But what Sara Lee actually captioned was, “Feeling really depressed after threesome. What was supposed to be a fantasy ended up more rejection. Must get rid of Toxic in community.”

[Cut to everybody]

Cecily: And were there typos in that?

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: I don’t think so. But Sara Lee wrote that at 4 in the morning while he was still on Poppers High.

[Cut to everybody]

Cecily: And was that also the case for this photo of our cheesecake?

Jake: How about you read this one.

Dylan: “A little moody after being used. Why do guys freak out when I ask them to spit in my mouth? Need a real king that can handle. It’s 8 am and I have to go to hell job Sara Lee. Little in my head after another threesome.

[Cut to everybody]

Jake: We think it would be healthy if Sara Lee stopped having threesomes.

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: I know. It’s okay though.

[Cut to Cecily and Jake]

Cecily: You keep telling us it’s okay, but it really, really isn’t.

Jake: Yeah, Dillan, I’m very disappointed. I passed down the Instagram to you because I thought it would be in good hands.

Cecily: Well, now that explains these posts from before Dylan started working here.

Jake: Oh! Oh, yes, I did write this, “Security downstairs stopped letting people into harness party at Sara Lee office. We have to do better. Must get rid of Toxic in the community.”

Cecily: Wow. Well, you’ve both done severe damage to Sara Lee’s image. So, this is your first warning.

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: Thank you. Full honesty, today Sara Lee DM’d Shawn Mendes saying “Check out my special holiday promotion.”

[Cut to Cecily and Jake]

Cecily: And what was that promotion?

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: A picture of my open throat.

[Cut to Cecily and Jake]

Cecily: Okay, second warning.

SNL Host Harry Styles and Kenan Enjoy the Magic of Fall

Kenan Thompson

Harry Styles

[Starts with Kenan Thompson and Harry Styles walking in the SNL studio.]

Kenan: Ah, man! Welcome back to studio. Man, this is going to be fun.

Harry: Thank you, Kenan. I’m very, very excited to be back at SNL. [Cut to Harry Styles] I’m going to be some characters. I’m going to sing. I’m pretty much down for anything.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Anything?

Harry: Anything. [Cut to Kenan Thompson and Harry Styles] What do you have in mind?

Kenan: Well, there’s only kind of one thing I want to do right now.

Harry: What is it?

Kenan: Would you like to enjoy the magical fall with me?

Harry: I would love to enjoy the magical fall with you. What do you have in mind?

[Kenan points at a direction. Harry Styles looks at it and smiles.]

[There is a pile of maple leaves in the studio]

Harry: Classic full fun!

[Harry Styles and Kenan Thompson run towards the leaves]

[Music playing]

[Harry Styles and Kenan Thompson are playing with the maple leaves]

Harry: Yes, what a magical time, huh?

Kenan: I love fall. Do you guys celebrate Thanksgiving?

Harry: No, not really.

[Sound of blower]

[The cleaner walks in]

Cleaner: You guys need to clear out, I need to clean the studio.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Harry Styles]

Kenan: What?

Cleaner: You guys need to leave.

Harry: Yes, leaves. We love leaves.

Kenan: Yes, yes. That’s what this is about.

[Cut to the cleaner]

Cleaner: You guys need to go home.

[cut to Kenan Thompson and Harry Styles]

Harry: Happy holidays, sir.

Kenan: I love being around.

[Cut to the cleaner]

Cleaner: Okay, I’m calling the security.

[cut to Kenan Thompson and Harry Styles]

Kenan: Yes, I understood that one.

[Harry Styles and Kenan Thompson leave]