Don Roy King - Director of Saturday Night Live

First Thanksgiving

Pocahontas… Melissa Villaseñor

Dad… Fred Armisen

John… Beck Bennett

Mom… Maya Rudolph

Grandpa… Will Farrell

[Starts with a video clip of old hut type of house.]

Pocahontas: Wow, this food is amazing, mom.

Dad: Yeah, it sure is.

[Cut to five people having a meal together. Four of them are native Americans and one is white.]

John: Yes, Mrs. Honta’s, the corn is very delicious.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Well, I’m glad you like it, John. But, again, our last name isn’t Hontas.

Dad: We don’t have last names, John.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: Right. Sorry, I guess I messed up again.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: I guess you did.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: It’s okay, John. You’re doing fine.

John: I’m so nervous. I really want your family to like me.

Pocahontas: They do like you. Would you excuse me for a sec? I just have to use their restroom.

[Cut to everybody]

[John leaves]

Pocahontas: Okay.

Mom: John seems nice.

[Cut to Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: He is, mom. And thanks for welcoming him to thanksgiving dinner, even though he’s—

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: A paleface?

Pocahontas: Grandpa, [Cut to Pocahontas] that’s not nice. You’re being prejudiced.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: I’m not prejudiced. I just see that the palefaces are taking over. They are everywhere now.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Maybe cool it with the paleface talk, dad.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Why? We can’t say that now? So, what are they called?

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: I think it’s just “White people.”

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: White people? But they’re not white. They’re pale.

[Cut to Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: Guys, stop it. He’s going to hear you.

[John walks in]

John: Phew! I guess my stomach was a little upset. I feel a lot better now.

[Cut to Dad, Mom and Grandpa]

Grandpa: Look. He didn’t even wash. His hands are bone dry.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: So, John, Pocahontas tells us you’re turning 30 soon.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: Yeah, couple weeks.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: You do know she’s 12, right?

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: I do, I do.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Well, I see.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: I have an idea. Why don’t we all go around the table and share something that we’re thankful for.

[Cut to everybody]

Mom: Oh, I love that idea. Well, I think—

Grandpa: I’ll start. I’m thankful for our land and our great and mighty chief. Let’s hope he finally builds that wall.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Both: Grandpa.

Grandpa: What? [Cut to Grandpa] We need a wall. I heard those illegal settlers are coming over here with their diseases and guns. And we need to protect our borders.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: That is just so rude and offensive, grandpa.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Where did you even hear a thing like that?

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Fox.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: Grandpa, you’ve got to stop talking to that crazy old fox.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: He knows what’s up. He makes a lot more sense than that lying peacock you talk to.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: You know what? It’s okay. Everybody is entitled to their own opinion.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Exactly.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Can we just have a nice thanksgiving dinner without bringing up politics?

[Cut to everybody]

Grandpa: Fine by me.

Dad: Yes.

Pocahontas: Please.

John: You know what? I think I have to excuse myself again.

Pocahontas: Sure. Okay, babe. Grandpa, you’re being a bigot.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Is John okay? That’s the second time he’s excused himself.

[Cut to Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: Maybe because grandpa keeps freaking him out.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Or maybe because he’s stealing from us.

[Cut to Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: What? John doesn’t steal.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: I’m just saying, since those illegal showed up a lot of things have gone missing lately. Buffaloes, land.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Grandpa, the pale—excuse me, white people, have made some good contributions to our land.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Right. Like those ugly blankets that are getting everybody sick.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Who told you the blankets are getting people sick?

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: The fox. He knows what’s up. He also said these illegals—

[Cut to Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: Stop calling them illegals. They’re just regular, hardworking people seeking refuge.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Since when is it our job to take care of this world’s problems?

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Okay dad, that’s enough.

[John walks in]

John: Hey, guys, I should maybe get going.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Bone dry again.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: Stop it.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: John, please stay.

Dad: Yeah! I’m sorry a bout my father. He’s just a little old-fashioned.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: Oh, it’s not that. I just think my stomach is having a hard time digesting this food. I saw some whole corn kernels is my stool and I specifically remember chewing them all.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Yeah, that happens to me, too.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Me, too.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: Yeah, it’s something about the skin on the corn, I think it doesn’t break down.

John: Oh.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: That doesn’t make sense because it’s only some of them in my stool.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Right. Like three or four.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: Yes, I saw exactly four just now in my stool.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: And I saw three yesterday. Wow. John, I guess we have a few things in common after all.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: Yes. I guess so. Friends?

[Cut to everybody]

Grandpa: Friends. [John puts his hand forward to shake with grandpa] I’m not touching your hand. You just crapped twice and your hands are bone dry.

John: Oh. Sorry.

Everybody: Grandpa!

[Grandpa stands talking to the viewers]

Grandpa: Hi, folks. I’m Will Ferrell. If you’re anything like me, you know there’s a lot of problems in this crazy, crazy sketch. I mean, white actors playing natives? What is this—2014? But no matter what year it is or what color we are or whether we get our news from a Fox or a peacock, one things for sure—none of us can digest corn. And that’s what’s important. Happy thanksgiving.

[Cheers and applause]

Cut for Time: Jeans Commercial

[Starts with Will sitting at a bar booth]

[Cut to Kate and Ego sitting across the booth]

Will: [Flirting] Hey, send them a round on me.

[Cut to Will]

I’m a guy. Yeah, I like to flirt a little bit, show my sassy side. That’s why when I hit the town, I give my regular jeans a night off.

[Cut to Kate and Ego]

[Cut to Will raising his glass to the ladies]

And put on my Wrangler Peekaboos!

[Will stands and walks away. There’s a hole on his jean’s back side. His butt is showing.]

[Will starts dancing]

Announcer: Introducing Wrangler Peekaboos for me. The all purpose male denim jeans will a fun flirty peekaboo window. To show a little extra crack.

[Cut to Bowen]

Bowen: It’s 2019. And I wanna feel sexy too. Is that so wrong?

[Bowen is wearing a Wrangler Peekaboos too]

Announcer: Finally a male pants with tasteful rear cleavage. Get them in styles like heart-shapred, key hole and football.

[Cut to Alex playing snooker]

Alex: I feel like me, and I like it. 8 ball, corner pocket.

Announcer: Now available in whale-tail.

Alex: I win.

Announcer: Don’t wear ’em with undies, don’t wear ’em backwards. And don’t be afraid to show your wild side. You’ve got it, now flaunt it. Crack is back.

[Ego is flirting with Alex]

Alex: Oh! Bull’s eye!

[Cut to an office]

Announcer: And coming soon to the work place, Peekaboo Pros, with business in the front, and party in the back. Wrangler Peekaboos, stop hiding and start saying, “Peekaboo.”

Cut for Time: Harry Styles Sketch

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

English Kevin… Will Ferrell

[Starts with SNL stage]

Announcer: Last week’s episode featured host and musical guest Harry Styles. As usual, there were several sketches cut for time, including one scene that was particularly heartbreaking because only Harry Styles could have played the part. Or so we thought. Will Ferrell, always competitive, said, “If Harry Styles can do it, so can I. After all, I was doing sketch comedy when Harry was just a fetus in his mom’s butt.” Thus, the sketch was rescued and given a second life. This… is that sketch.

[Cut to three girls talking in a school canteen]

Aidy: Hey, girlfriends. Did you hear about this new hottie boom-body who transferred to our school from England?

Cecily: Wow, a hot English teen? Sign me up.

Kate: Sign me up as well. If he’s half as hot and teenage as you say he is, I’m going to be sliding right off this small chair.

Aidy: Oh, trust me. He is. His body is smooth and young like a baby seal, but with abs.

Cecily: But, can he sing? I need a boy who can sing.

Kate: Yeah, and if he sings, he better dance too.

Aidy: Girlfriends, you are in luck. He sings like an angel and he dances like the devil himself.

Kate: Oh-oh! Clean up on aisle my pants.

Aidy: Shh! Girlfriends, here he comes.

[music playing]

[English Kevin walks in]

English Kevin: Hello, hey. It’s me, the new kid.

[Cut to the three girls]

Cecily: Oh, my god. He’s the ultimate dream machine.

Kate: You weren’t kidding about his body.

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: Who, me? Don’t look at me. I’m shy.

[Cut to the three girls]

Aidy: I can’t believe he’s still in school and not modeling full time.

Kate: Wait, someone say something before I get pregnant just looking at him.

[Cut to everybody]

Cecily: Hey, what’s your name?

English Kevin: English Kevin. I’m from London. England that is.

Kate: I love exotic men.

Cecily: I know, his hot English accent is driving me crazy.

Aidy: Okay, quick, say, “Fancy a cup of tea my sweet.”

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: Fancy a tea of sweet you cup?

[Cut to the three girls]

Kate: Wow, sexy and smart.

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: Um, this many.

[Cut to the three girls]

Cecily: I think he means 17.

Kate: Wow, which means he’s legal. Okay, jackpot!

[Cut to English Kevin licking ice-cream]

English Kevin: Don’t look at me. Let me eat my soft, soft ice-cream.

[Cut to the three girls]

Cecily: Ooh! Ooh! That’s good.

Aidy: Yeah, very hot! And good.

Kate: Is Gwyneth Paltrow operating a website in my pants? Because they’re full of goop.

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: Oops! Did I make a little mess?

[Cut to the three girls]

Aidy: Um, and I love all his sexy tattoos. Tell us about them English Kevin.

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: This one’s a dolphin which is a friendly shark. This one’s a horse with a sword on his head. These are extinct except in my dreams. And this is a Chinese character meaning tattoo.

[Cut to the three girls]

Aidy: Wow, are we at a sea food restaurant? Because I’ve got a steamed clam.

Kate: English Kevin, will you do a cool skateboard trick for us?

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: Um, I don’t think I should because English Kevin just had knee surgery. And his kids– I mean friends are worried about him.

[Cut to the three girls]

Cecily: Ooh! Is that a text message from one of your thousands of girlfriends?

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: Nope. That’s just a reminder for English Kevin to take his lip to talk.

[Cut to the three girls]

Kate: Then, sing us a song and do us a dance.

Cecily: Yeah, we know you have something prepared.

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: Yeah, sure. I’m just having a little trouble breathing because my hip clothes are so tight. But, here it goes. Two, three, four.

[Cut to everybody]

[dancing and singing horribly]

Baby you light up my world like nobody else

The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed
But when you smile at the ground it ain’t hard to tell
You don’t know, oh oh
You don’t know you’re beautiful

[English Kevin jumps and tears his pants]

Ah! My fashion jeans! Oh! F-ing S-word! You all see my D-word, and my B-spot!

[Cut to the three girls pretending they’re closing their eyes]

Aidy: Oh, but don’ worry. We won’t look.

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: Please, nobody look at my D-word. I brought it from England with me. And I call it Big-Ben.

[Cut to the three girls]

Aidy: Oh! Because it’s big like the clock tower?

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: No, because it’s pretty messed up like Ben Roethlisberger.

[Cut to the three girls]

Cecily: English Kevin, I think you’re gonna fit in just fine just around here.

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: Cheeky! But seriously, this is Will talking. I need help getting up and my thing is out.

Cut for Time: Date in Mexico

Chris Redd

Cecily Strong

Rosco… Will Farrell

Waiter… Bowen Yang

Waitress… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a sea beach villa’s clip]

Chris: Honey, this has been a really special vacation. Thank you.

[Cut to Chris and Cecily having drinks at the restaurant]

Cecily: Aw, thanks. Not everyday my man graduates veterinarian school.

Chris: Well, I didn’t graduate. I’m just not going anymore.

Cecily: Still, something to celebrate.

[Waiters walks in with two drinks]

Waiter: Two Cocolatus.

Cecily: Oh, we didn’t order these.

Waiter: Compliments of the gentleman over there.

[Rosco is sitting alone at the next table]

Rosco: How are you folks this evening?

Cecily: Great, thank you. How are you?

[Cut to Rosco]

Rosco: I couldn’t be any freaking better. Woo, I’m in love.

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Chris: Oh, that’s great.

[Cut to Rosco]

Rosco: Yeah, she’s gonna meet me. Her name is Subina. She’s from Moldova.

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Cecily: Oh, cool. How did you meet?

[Cut to Rosco]

Rosco: On a website, where you look for Moldavian women. I sent her flowers, it cost $800.

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Cecily: Wow, you must be well off.

[Cut to Rosco]

Rosco: Well, I do what I can. It’s worth it when you’re in love. Like this trip to Mexico.

[A waitress walks in with a hugs lobster]

Waitress: Lobster for two.

Rosco: Yes, that’s for me and Subina. She’s my girlfriend from Moldova. And she’s meeting me here in Mexico.

Waitress: Oh, that’s great.

Rosco: Yeah, we’re in love. And that’s why I bought her a plane ticket from Moldova to Mexico to meet me. And I bought the lobster and caviar for dinner for two. It’s prepaid.

Waiter: Yeah, I saw that.

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Cecily: Well, she’s a very lucky lady.

Chris: Is she still up in the room, or?

[Cut to Rosco]

Rosco: She’s coming from Moldova. She should be here any minute. It’s the first time we’ve ever met in person.

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Cecily: Oh! Hah!

[Cut to Rosco]

Rosco: You wanna see a picture of Subina?

[Cut to everybody]

Chris: Oh, sure.

[Rosco showing them her picture on his phone]

Rosco: What do you think? She’s beautiful, right?

Cecily: Well, lot of make up.

Chris: Very pretty.

Cecily: Never seen a phone screen that cracked!

Rosco: You wanna see one of just the bod?

Cecily: Oh, no.

Rosco: Check that out! Right? Right? This guy knows what I’m talking about. My mom says I make bad choices. Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, right!

Cecily: Well, thanks for the drinks.

[Cut to Rosco]

Rosco: I’m in love, woo! [phone ringing] Oh, that’s Subina now. [talking on the phone] Hi, baby. What? What do you mean, baby? What are you saying? So, you’re not coming? Where are you now? Moldova? Well, I can buy you a new ticket. Baby! Baby! Ba-baby! Baby, no wait. Baby, don’t. Wait. [He looks at the phone and drops it on the table.]

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Cecily: Are you okay?

[Cut to Rosco]

Rosco: No, I’m not okay. I need a minute.

[Rosco walks out]

[Rosco screaming in anger]

[Rosco walks back]

Waitress: Is everything okay, sir?

[Cut to Rosco and waitress]

Rosco: Subina dumped me. My credit card bounced on her ticket and she dumped me.

Waitress: Oh, I’m so sorry. That’s really tough. So, do you still want the caviar service?

Rosco: Yeah, I paid for it.

Waitress: Well, I’m really sorry.

[Waitress walks away]

Rosco: I’m not well off.

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Cecily: What’s that?

[Cut to Rosco]

Rosco: You said earlier I must be well off. I’m not. I’m a shoe shiner. And I wash feet at a salon.

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Chris: Oh! Okay.

[Cut to Rosco]

Rosco: I can’t even pay for this stupid lobster I’m eating. I borrowed the money from my mom to pay for this trip. And now Subina’s [eats the lobster] not even coming. Filth!

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Cecily: Oh, you’re not supposed to eat the shell.

[Cut to Rosco]

Rosco: I don’t know that. I’ve never had lobster before. [coughs] I’m allergic. [Roscotakes out a woven panties] You two should have these. I bought them for Subina but useless now.

Cecily: Sorry, what is this?

Rosco: Candy panties for Subina, because she sweep like candy. And she wears panties.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: I think we’re good.

[Cut to Rosco]

Rosco: Then don’t think them of as panties. All right? Think of them as a regular dandy. I only wore them more than once.

[Cut to everybody]

Cecily: We’re only here for two nights, so.

[Cut to Rosco]
Rosco: I’m gonna Facetime Subina, okay? And convince her to come to Mexico. [phone ringing]

Subina: Hello

Rosco: Subina, it’s me Rosco. I’m your baby, remember?

Subina: I don’t know. You’re not sending me money anymore.

Rosco: I can send money. If I send money now, will you come to Mexico?

Subina: I don’t know.

Unknown male voice: Baby, come back to bed.

Subina: I’m working.

Rosco: That’s her brother.

Subina: I have to go. Good bye Roger.

Rosco: It’s Rosco. And should I wait for you or– ?

[Waitress walks in]

Waitress: Your caviar sir.

Rosco: Oh! It’s just fish! Get it away from me!

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Cecily: Well, you know what? I’m sure you’ll meet someone soon because you seem like a real catch.

[Cut to Rosco]

Rosco: No, there’s only Subina. [phone beeping] Oh! It’s Lily Anna. Another Moldavian woman. She just Venmo requested me $1,000. I’m in love again.

Cut for Time: Cast List

Beth… Heidi Gardner

Caspar… Mikey Day

Pri… Cecily Strong

Myles… Kyle Mooney

Tyson… Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Mr. Koneg… Will Farrell

Tabby… Ego Nwodim

Camdan… Bowen Yang

Trinity… Kenan Thompson

Tech director… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a bunch of actors waiting for the cast list]

Beth: Oh my god! I can’t wait any longer. I have to know if I’m the musical.

Caspar: I know. This is like, the latest Mr. Koneg ever posted the cast list. Like, last year, Gospel was up at like, 10.

Pri: You’re so good in Gospel.

Caspar: I know.

Myles: What if I just like, ran right through this door?

[everybody laughing]

Caspar: That’s hilarious. [Cut to Caspar and Pri] I hope I get to play Conorad Birdie.

Pri: Oh! You know you will. You’re the most talented male in the department.

[Cut to everybody]

Caspar: You really think so?[walking around]

Tyson: Oh, yes! I could never do what you’re doing right now.

Aidy: Okay, I just hope I get to play a person in this show, because I already played a dog in “Annie and the Dog”, and a foot in “The beauty and the beast.”

Pri: Yeah, but you’re so good at playing parts with no lines.

Aidy: Yeah!

[The director, Mr. Koneg, comes in. The actors stay quiet.]

Mr. Koneg: I see the sharks are circling boat.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Ha-ha-ha. So funny, Mr. Koneg.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Shut up Beth.

[Cut to the actors]

Pri: Mr. Koneg, is the cast list done?

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: [sigh] No. Just wanted to inform you all we will be using Hamilton casting rules for this show. So, any race for any part, unless of course, it strikes me as weird. Also, don’t read too much into this, but one senior girl is going to be very disappointed.

[Mr. Koneg looks at Beth and walks out.]

[Cut to the actors]

Beth: Oh my god! I knew it. Mr. Koneg hates me.

Aidy: Don’t be too loud, because I think he likes to watch us spin out through the masks in the door.

[Cut to the mask on the door. Mr. Koneg is watching the actors through the mask’s eye holes.]

[Cut to the actors]

Caspar: Beth, if you don’t get a good part, I don’t even want to do the show. I mean, I have to do it to my senior show, and I’m definitely going to do it no matter what. But still, I’m sorry.

[Mr. Koneg comes in again.]

Mr. Koneg: Miles, would you kiss a girl with tongue if the role required it? I know your family is that difficult kind of Christian.

[Cut to Miles]

Miles: Um, I need to pray on that, see what god leads me to.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Tell god I need an answer now.

[Cut to Miles]

Miles: Well, then, yes sir.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Tell god, gracias. Pri and Tyson, stand next to each other.

[Pri and Tyson walk forward and stand next to each other]

Tyson: Is this good sir? Your hair looks great by the way.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Oh! You’re going to kiss my ass, at least tell me how it tastes.

[Cut to Pri and Tyson]

Tyson: Sorry sir.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: You read like such virgins. Aren’t you dating? Have you not gone all the way?

[Cut to Pri and Tyson]

Pri: Um, no comments.

Tyson: We’re working up to it sir. We’re currently at her jeans on, my jeans and underwear off, my shirt off, her shirt and usually jacket on.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: So, you’re naked and she is fully clothed.

[Cut to Pri and Tyson nodding yes.]

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Your homework before home week is to bang each other’s brains out. And don’t know if you did it, by the way, you carry yourselves.

[Cut to Pri and Tyson]

Tyson: Absolutely.

Pri: Whatever it takes.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Camdan, can I see you stand like a mayor?

[Cut to Camdan]

Camdan: Oh, my god! The mayor has two lines. This is not happening. No!

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Camdan, mayor stands! Meme suspenders please!

[Cut to Camdan]

Camdan: [crying] No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Hmm, thank you. Tabby, do you want a leading role?

[Cut to Tabby]

Tabby: Um, I don’t know. I’ll carry either way.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: And that’s why you’ll get one. Caspar!

[Cut to Caspar]

Caspar: Yes, Mr. Koneg.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Conorad Birdie is an Elvis type. Sing something like you’ve bedded one thousand women.

[Cut to Caspar]

Caspar: Yes!

[singing]

There goes the baker with his tray like always

[Cut to everybody]

Mr. Koneg: Stop! God! You’re talented.

[Cut to Beth smiling at Mr. Koneg]

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: By the way, the show is canceled.

[Mr. Koneg walks out again.]

Everybody: Aw! What? [Cut to the actors]

Aidy: Guys, no matter happens, we all did a great job.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg walking in with a list]

[Cut to everybody. Mr. Koneg is walking slowly. The actors are trying to look at the list. Mr. Koneg is going to put the list on the notice board.]

Mr. Koneg: Oopsie! I forgot some tape.

[Mr. Koneg walks out again with the list with him]

Everybody: Oh! No!

[Cut to Camdan]

Camdan: Guys, if I got the mayor role, I’ll probably get out of school.

[Cut to everybody. Mr. Koneg walks in with a list again.]

Mr. Koneg: [looking at Camdan] Mr. Mayor!

Everybody: Oh!

[Mr. Koneg sticks the list on the notice board.]

Mr. Koneg: Back up please!

Caspar: What are you doing?

Mr. Koneg: First it must be initiated by choreographer.

[Trinity walks in]

Everybody: Trinity!

Mr. Koneg: Shh!

[Cut to everybody. Trinity checks the list and walks towards the actors.]

Trinity: [looking at Beth] I’m sorry.

Everybody: No! Oh my god!

[The actors try to look at the list]

Mr. Koneg: [covering the list] Ah-ah-ah! Please! And our tech director.

[Cut to the tech director walks in and checks the list]

Tech Director: This is going to be a bitch to like, but I was promised new gel. So, um, stay tuned.

Mr. Koneg: Well, here is your meet.

[Mr. Koneg walks out. The actors rush to look at the list.]

Caspar: Oh, my god! He double cast it? We each only get to do one night?

Everybody: What? No!

[Cut to the mask on the door. Mr. Koneg is watching the actors through the mask’s eye holes.]

Mr. Koneg: Yes! Gorgeous sweet chaos!

Cinema Classics: The Wizard of Oz

Reese DeWhat… Kenan Thompson

Aunt Emma… Aidy Bryant

Dorothy… Kate McKinnon

Hunk… Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

Beck Bennett

Dr. Pickens… Will Farrell

[Starts with Cinema Classics intro]

Announcer: You’re watching “Cinema Classics” on PBS.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good evening, and welcome to “Cinema Classics.” I’m your host Reese De’What. Tonight we take a closer look at the beloved 1939 film, “The wizard of OZ.” And recently discovered never before seen alternative ending. Why did they film this ending? I do not know. This is not why I’m here. I’m a bad guesser. Just ask my wife. She asked me to guess what she learned in her exercise class, and I said, “acceptance?” Worst couple’s balloon ride ever. Let’s take a look now at the alternate ending in which Dorothy wakes up to find out that her adventures in OZ were all a dream.

[Cut to the movie. The house is falling down.]

[Cut to Dorothy dreaming]

Aunt Emma: Wake up, Dorothy.

Dorothy: There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home.

Aunt Emma: Dorothy, Dear, It’s aunt Emma, darling.

Dorothy: Auntie Em, it’s you.

Aunt Emma: You’ve got quite the bump on the head. We thought we might lose you for a moment.

Dorothy: Oh, but I did go. I left. And I tried to get back for days and days.

Aunt Emma: Well, there, there. You just had a bad dream.

[Hunk and two other men walk in]

Hunk: Remember me, your old pal Hunk?

Mikey: What about me?

Beck: You couldn’t forget my face, could you?

Dorothy: No, but it wasn’t a dream. It was a place. And you were there and you were there. And you and you were a lion and a tin man, and a scarecrow.

[A dwarf walks in. He is Dr. Pickens.]

Dr. Pickens: And what about me? Was I there? Was I in your dream?

Dorothy: Oh, hi, Dr. Pickens.

Aunt Emma: Yes, doctor. Thanks for coming to check on Dorothy.

Dr. Pickens: She seems fine. So, was I in your dream?

Dorothy: I’m trying to remember.

[Other dwarfs walk in]

Kyle: And what about us?

Bowen: Yeah!

Chris: Yeah!

Maya: Were we in the dream?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: Well, I mean, everyone was in the—Hey, where’s breakfast?

[Cut to everybody]

Dr. Pickens: What was in the dream? Was I a doctor there, too?

Dorothy: Does it really matter what everybody was?

Chris: What about me? Was I also a teacher?

Kyle: And was I a lawyer?

Dr. Pickens: Tell me what I was.

Dorothy: Okay, well, um, actually, you were a mayor.

Dr. Pickens: Really? A mayor? Of where? New York, Chicago?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: I’d love to move off the dream stuff, but if you’re insisting it was— Munchkinland.

[Cut to the dwarfs]

Dr. Pickens: Munchkinland?

Bowen: What were we, funny little weirdos?

Dr. Pickens: To make you laugh?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: Oh, no. Not at all.

[Cut to everybody]

Dr. Pickens: What were we wearing?

Dorothy: What?

Dr. Pickens: [Yelling] What were we wearing?

Dorothy: Well— [Dorothy looks at her dolls]

[Cut to the baby dolls]

Kyle: Oh, my god. [Cut to the dwarfs] When you close your eyes that’s how you see us? As your little nightmare baby dolls?

[Cut to Dorothy]
Dorothy: No, no! You were all heroes in your own small ways.

[Cut to the dwarfs]

Dr. Pickens: I wish the tornado had killed you.

Aunt Emma: Doctor!

Dr. Pickens: Sorry, but I’m mad as hell.

Kyle: Me, too.

Bowen: So mad! [They all start dancing] Okay.

[Cut to everybody]

Dorothy: This is the exact dance you did in the dream.

Aunt Emma: That’s pretty adorable.

Chris: So, we just dance for your amusement?

Dr. Pickens: Like fools?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: No, no, you danced on the grave of the lady I killed. [Cut to everybody] That was your job as part of lollipop. Guild.

Maya: So, we owned a lollipop factory?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: No, you just kind of held them, kissed them and rode them. Around like little horses.

[Cut to the dwarfs]

Kyle: Oh, my god. So these lollipops–

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: Were bigger than your head? Yes. It’s more dignified than it sounds. The munchkins, you see, were a noble race.

[Cut to Kyle and Bowen]

Bowen: Race?

Dorothy: I can’t help what I dreamed. [Cut to Dorothy] There were all sorts of creatures there.

[Cut to everybody]

Dr. Pickens: Creatures?

Dorothy: Yeah, like flying monkeys.

Kyle: So we’re on the same level as an airborne chimp.

Dorothy: I’m so sorry. I know this all sounds strange, but you were a very important part of the adventure.

Maya: So, we were with you the whole way?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: No, I kind of peaced out to the woods with my dog and I think maybe saw that one of you had hanged yourself?

[Cut to Dr. Pickens]

Dr. Pickens: And what did you do about it?

[Cut to Dorotny]

Dorothy: Um, goodnight.

[Cut to everybody]

Dr. Pickens: Let’s get our of here. Your house is a dump, by the way.

[Cut to Dorothy pretending to sleep]

[Cheers and applause]

2020 Democratic Debate

Rachel Maddow… Melissa Villaseñor

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Amy Klobuchar… Rachel Dratch

Joe Biden… Woody Harrelson

Cory Booker… Chris Redd

Andrew Yang… Bowen Yang

Tom Steyer… Will Ferrell

Michael Bloomberg… Fred Armisen

Tulsi Gabbard… Cecily Strong

[Starts with MSNBC intro]

Announcer: And now MSNBC’s special coverage of the democratic debate.

[Cut to the MSNBC debate set]

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Hello. I am Rachel Maddow and we are live from Tyler Perry studios in Atlanta. So, hello and good afternoon. I want to start the debate with the question on everyone’s mind—who can beat Donald Trump?

[Cut to the people competing]

Elizabeth Warren: Me, me, me. My hand—my hand went up first.

[Cut to Rachel Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: That’s not how it works, but go ahead.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Right, right, right. Look, I know in past debates, I’ve been accused of being overambitious, right? I’ve got mom hosting thanksgiving energy. I’m a little overwhelmed ‘cause I thought ten people were coming and now there’s 30 million. But I promise dinner will be ready if you just get out of the kitchen and stop asking questions. And of course, this thanksgiving I will be cooking my specialty. Maybe don’t say it. The food of my ancestors. Should I say it? I’m going to say it—Maize.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Oh, that’s a good one, Liz.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Sounds like you’re in a good mood tonight, senator Harris.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Oh, I am. I am. The fun is back, baby. America’s fun aunt. I’m also America’s cool aunt. The C—you know what? Let’s not do that. Tonight, I’m not going to worry about the polling numbers. I’m just going to have fun and see if I can get some viral moments. Mama needs a ‘gif’. Gonna tell my kids this is Michelle Obama. [Cut to a twitter meme]

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Mayor Pete, you’re looking adorable tonight in your little suit.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]

Pete Buttigieg: Thank you. Thank you. It’s from my first communion.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: You’re polling at zero with black voters. Any idea why?

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]

Pete Buttigieg: Maybe just because of like this.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Senator Sanders, you’re looking—

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Yeah, yeah, yeah. [Cheers and applause] I want to begin by thanking you all for the well wishes. I did have a heart attack-ack-ack-ack. So, you ought to know by now, I’m doing better than ever. Doctors were surprised I made it. And I’m very proud of the fact that I was the first heart attack patient to show up in the emergency room in a city bus.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Let’s go now to senator Klobuchar.

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

[Cheers and applause]

Amy Klobuchar: Thank you Rachel. I know some of you think I’m shaking because I’m nervous, but that’s just my signature quivering bang. It’s my spidey sense that tingles whenever we need a moderate to say, “Girl, we can’t pay for that.”

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Vice president Biden, you’re flashing your teeth at me?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

[Cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: I just want everyone to know America, I see you. And I see the faces you all make when I talk. You’re scared. Scared I’ll say something off-color or even worse—on color. What I want you to know is you should be scared because I’m always one second away from calling Cory Booker ‘Barack’.

[Cut to Cory Booker]

Cory Booker: Okay, I’d like to respond, but first because this is the only time I’ll be talking I just want to say black church, barber shops, greens, beans, tomatoes, potatoes. Now to vice president Biden, I was stunned to hear you don’t support the legalization of marijuana. In fact, rehearsed joke, I thought you were high when you said it.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Let me tell you a story from my youth, or maybe from a movie or a cartoon. It was with a buddy of mine who got so whacked on the sticky-icky kush, he says, “I’ve a great idea. We ought to go to white castle.” Next thing you know, Kumar and I are driving around high as kites with Neil Patrick Harris and that’s before he was gay. That’s why I never puffed the stuff.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: We also want to welcome Andrew Yang who I can tell is already mad he hasn’t talked yet.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: No, not at all. It’s me Andrew Yang. I want to say what up to my yang gang? Hey, what do you say we get a yang gang bang going, huh? I want to take this opportunity to announce my VP, the new Tesla cyber truck.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: We also want to welcome Tom Steyer.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: Hi, guys. I’m billionaire Tom Steyer. And I’m running for president for a simple reason—it’s fun. And it gets me out of the house.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: I’m sorry, Mr. Steyer. My producers are telling me you have to blink.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: I have to do what?

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Blink. You have to blink at some point.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: Oh, no, I do not. And I will not.

[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]

Michael Bloomberg: Did somebody say billionaire?

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: No. Mayor Bloomberg, how did you get in here?

[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]

Michael Bloomberg: Well, I tipped the doorman $30 million.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Does this mean you are officially running for president?

[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]

Michael Bloomberg: I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not. I’d be heard to beat. I’d love to see Trump supporters come up with a conspiracy theory about a Jewish billionaire with his own media company. Good luck making that stick.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: And let’s introduce underdog candidate and tonight’s villain, Tulsi Gabbard.

[Cut to Tulsi Gabbard]

Tulsi Gabbard: Thank you, Rachel. What an honor it is to be on this stage with my fellow candidates. I want you to know that I smell your fear and it makes me stronger. I’m wearing the white suit of your fallen hero Hillary Clinton. Now fight me, cowards.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Senator Harris, would you like to respond?

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Tulsi, I’m going to be real with you. You scare the hell our of me. You just gave me Ermahgerd, Gersbermps. [Posing for a meme]

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Our next question is for senator Klobuchar. Do you think you can get the funding to stay in this race?

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

Amy Klobuchar: I know I can. I’ve got $17,000 from ex-boyfriends. All I had to do was threaten to come back in their lives.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Okay. That brings us to tonight’s next topic which is health care.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders. Bernie Sanders presses the buzzer first. Elizabeth Warren is trying the buzzer more than one time.]

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Okay. I don’t know how you got buzzers, but Bernie rang in first.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Here’s my plan for health care. No co-pay. No out of pocket. The only thing that comes out of my pockets are tissues, receipts, loose cough drops, a movie stub for ‘Florence Foster Jenkins’ which is so-so. And of course, the little button in the baggie that comes with the pants. Most people throw it out. Do yourself a favor. Hold onto it. You never know.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Mr. Steyer, you look like you have something to say.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: I want to speak directly to you, America. [Tom Steyer starts walking towards the camera] Health care is important, but housing affects everything.—where you sleep, where you shop, where you get your shoes shined, where you buy jewels, where you raise peacocks. Am I relatable?

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Mr. Steyer, I’m gonna need you to take a step back.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: Sorry. Am I too close?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Did somebody say too close? Brother, like your style. Look, I’m supported by that same coalition that elected Obama. Blafrican Americans. Even the Mexitinos and the Chorientals. Heck, the only black woman ever elected to the senate endorsed me.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Excuse me? No, no, Joe. There have been two black women elected to the senate and that second black woman— it me.

[Cut to a tiktok video where Kamala Harris is doing her dance]

[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]

Michael Bloomberg: Is there still time for me to come in late and ruin everything?

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: No. We have to move on to closing statements.

[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]

Michael Bloomberg: Wait, I need to quickly throw in some Spanish, because Miguel Bloomberg is En Guego.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Okay. That counts as good-bye for you. We’ll now move on to Mayor Buttigieg.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]

Pete Buttigieg: America, I know I can do this because my supporters are a diverse coalition from young to old, gay to straight, white to eggshell. Thank you.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Tulsi Gabbard, time for your closing statement.

[Cut to Tulsi Gabbard]

Tulsi Gabbard: I have no interest in those Dalmatian puppies. [laughing evilly] I yield my time.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Senator Klobuchar?

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

Amy Klobuchar: Look, I could say a lot about the issues we have talked about tonight, but the sad thing is you’re not listening to a word I’m saying because you’re just watching my hair dance on my forehead. Excuse me, my eyes are down here, not up here.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Senator Warren that brings us to you.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Hey, hey, here’s the thing, guys. It’s November and it’s cussing season. You’re single in your late 30s and I’m a solid option. If it’s Marry, “F”, kill I’m aware I’m not the “F”, but I’m definitely not the kill. So come on, America, put a ring on it.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Senator Sanders?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: As many of you know, a lot of my opponents like to throw the word “Socialist” around for me. But let me ask you, is it fair that only the top 2% often get a free Biscotti with their coffee? We would all love a free Biscotti. You dip it. You dunk it and it’s delicious. So, if it’s socialism, sign me up. Tell me this. Is it fair that when the top 2% want to turn off the lights in their bedroom all they have to do is clap? They’ve got the clappers. Shouldn’t we all have clappers? Either everybody has a clapper or nobody has a clapper, and that’s the America I want to live in.

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Vice president Joe Biden?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: The hearings have made it clear. That Donald Trump doesn’t want me to be the nominee. Vladimir Putin doesn’t want me to be the nominee. Nobody in America wants me to be the nominee. But I am confident I can win the election in 2016.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: And senator Harris, your closing statement?

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: The democratic party needs to stop taking black women for granted, specifically one black woman—me. I mean ,come on. You said you would vote for me. [Poses for a meme]

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Well, that’s all the time we have. Tom, take us out.

[Cut to the speakers]

Tom Steyer: [High-fiving everyone] Good game, good game. Good game, good game.

Airline Pilots

Captain Hitnart… Mikey Day

First Officer Newton… Harry Styles

Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a video clip of a flying airplane]

[Cut to the cockpit]

Hitnart: Good afternoon folks. This is captain Hitnart in the flight Deck, joined by first officer Newton.

Newton: Howdy, folks.

Hitnart: We reached our cruising altitude, so I’m going to go head and turn off the fasten the seat-belt sign. Computer saying we’ll have you in San Francisco just a hair past 3. For now, sit back, relax and enjoy the flight. Thanks for flying, Jet Blue. [Captain turns off the mic and they start talking to each other.] So, as I was saying, I need to get laid. I’m very backed up.

Newton: Me too. These pipes be clogged sir. I saw an old Scooby Do episode on the airport TV and Daphne was getting me hot.

Hitnart: Oh, yeah. You know what? I’ll bet Velma had a tight little body under that big sweater, right?

Newton: You bet she does.

[Cut to the passengers listening to their conversation]

Hitnart: You know Velma and Shaggy were banging. Imagine Scooby at the end of the bed watching. [Speaking like Scooby-Doo] “Raggy, what are rooing?” [Speaking like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo] “Uh, nothing, Scoob. Me and Velma are just wrestling.”

Newton: God, I need to get laid.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Ego: What the hell are they talking about?

[Cut to the cockpit. Bowen Yang comes in.]

Bowen: Yeah, hi, please stop talking. Your intercom button’s still on and the passengers heard all of that.

Hitnart: Oh, thank you. Dammit! Uh, hey, folks. On behalf of Jet Blue, I’d like to apologize for the adult chat you just heard. A button on our intercom broke. Just one of the many small electronic problems you run into on a very old plane like this.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Ego: A very old plane?

[Cut to the cockpit. Bowen Yang comes in.]

Bowen: All right, calling the plane old didn’t go over well with the passengers. You might want to settle their nerves.

Newton: Oh, man, thanks. You’re an A+ flight attendant.

Bowen: I’m not a flight attendant, I’m a sky liaison.

Hitnart: Okay.

Newton: Here, I’ll take this one.

Hitnart: Okay.

Hitnart: Howdy, gang. First officer Newton here. This plane is just fine. We spoke with an engineer at the Apple Bees Bar right before the flight, and he said this plane is good for a few more trips.

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Kate: They were at the bar? These perverts were drinking?

Aidy: Hey, not as much as me, ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to cockpit]

Hitnart: Hey, folks, just realized that bar comment might have made you think we were drinking before the flight. No, sir-ree. I do not drink. It messes with all the medications I’m on.

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Kate: Oh, my god. We’re going to die. And you, [Taling to the puppy] you are doing jack ass to make me feel better.

Aidy: Hey, lady, you’re freaking screaming.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Ego: How are you not freaking out right now?

Kenan: Because I took xanax baby, I’m hakuna matata.

[Cut to cockpit]

Hitnart: Anyway, we want to tell you about Jet Blue’s featured in flight movie.

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Kate: Why do they keep saying Jet Blue? This is not Jet Blue flight. B

[Cut to cockpit]

Hitnart: This month’s featured movie is Teen Comedy Book Smart. Fun for the whole family.

Newton: Maybe not the whole family. There’s some lesbian stuff in there, but I don’t think you see them going down on each other or anything. Whoa, whoa! I shouldn’t have said going down, cause it might make you think of the plane going down. Which it won’t, until we land safely in San Diego.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Ego: But, this plane is supposed to go to San Francisco. Baby, give me a Xanax.

Kenan: I wish I could, but no.

[Cut to cockpit]

Hitnart: All right, that’s it from the flight deck. So, sit back, relax and sit back. Sit black? What dows that mean? Sit black. Sit there and start rapping in your seat or something like—[Cut to Kenan and Ego acting confused] Sorry if that was racially insensitive. I did not mean it that way. [Cut to cockpit] You know what, from now until Christmas, nonwhites fly free on Jet Blue. That’s not real. I just made that up. So, sit black—Whoa, said it again. Book smart! Enjoy the flight. Oh, okay. Looks like we’ve got some choppy air. [Cut to the passengers] Go ahead and turn on the fasten the seatbelt sign. Yep, there you go.

[The plane is facing turbulence]

[Cut to the passengers]

Ego: Oh, my god!

Kenan: Hakuna matata, baby!

Baby Faye and Her Newsboys

Baby Faye… Cecily Strong

Harry Styles

Mikey Day

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Baby Faye and Her Newsboys intro]

Announcer: Presenting 10 year old sensation Baby Faye and her News Boys. Come and see the hit of the 1921 Vaudeville circuit. Get your tickets now for one nickel.

[Cut to another poster of the show]

Calling all the guys of 1931, yes, it’s 10 years later and these 20 years old are still playing 6. Tickets are going nowhere fast. Baby Faye and the News Guys.

[Cut to another poster of the show]

Extra, extra! It’s 1956 and Baby Faye has sold out—her dignity. Please welcome Baby Faye and the grown-up male news guys.

[Music starts playing]

[Cut to the show. The guys dancers are dancing on the stage.]

Everybody: Mister, mister!

Harry: Get a log of this headline

Mikey: Page!

Everybody: Mister, mister!

Beck: Did you hear the news yet? Baby Faye is ‘bout to hit the stage.

Mikey: Presenting!

Beck: In person!

Harry: That 5’8”.

Mikey: 45-year-old!

Harry: Unwed, full childless woman in toddler’s clothes.

[Music starts and drum rolls]

Beck: That 150-pound bundle of joy, Baby Faye!

[Baby Faye enters the stage]

Baby Faye: Hello, everyone. My name’s Baby Faye. What’s your name?

[Music starts playing]

The guys: La-la-la-la.

Baby Faye: No, no, no, no. Don’t go into the song. I’m obviously stuck in the G.D. splits.

Harry: Those aren’t the splits. I can see daybreak between your crotch and the floor.

Baby Faye: Shut up! Introduce me some more while I get up.

Mikey: Okay. Drum roll, please.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Reintroducing the woman we’re looking at.

[Cut to Harry]

Harry: Heavy smoker and worrisome drinker.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: She’s stuck in the jazz splits somehow. Probably due to her lifestyle.

[Cut to Harry]

Harry: She may sound slow, but she isn’t.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: She binds her chest, thinking that’s the issue here.

[Cut to Harry]

Harry: They weren’t that big to begin with?

Baby Faye: Hey! [Cut to Baby Faye] Stop that’s not my intro.

[Cut to the guys]

Mikey: What do you expect? You made us vamp. Just sing.

[Cut to Baby Faye]

Baby Faye: All right, what is your name?

[Music starts playing]

[Cut to everybody dancing]

Let me make you happy

Let me put on a show

I can do some high kicks

Ow, Damnit! Oh, I pulled something!

Faye’s mom: Faye!

[Faye’s mom enters the stage]

Baby Faye: Mama!

[Cut to Faye’s mom]

Faye’s mom: No, no, no, no. There’s five people out there and they paid for a good show. You’re giving them the kind of hot junk you can find in the toilet.

[Cut to Baby Faye]

Baby Faye: Mama!

[Cut to Faye’s mom]

Faye’s mom: And you need to mind your breasts.

[Cut to Baby Faye and her mom]

Baby Faye: I binded them, mama!

Faye’s mom: It’s bound, you dummy!

Baby Faye: Mama! It’s my birthday.

Faye’s mom:I don’t care. [Cut to Faye’s mom] I don’t care. I need you to be a dependent a little bit longer. Mama needs that, now do your damn duet.

[Faye’s mom leaves]

[Music starts playing]

[Baby Faye and Harry are holding hands and dancing]

Baby Faye: How did this happen

I’m in love with a boy who’s five

Harry: Five, five, five, five!

and I’m in love with a girl who’s six,

Baby Faye: Six, six, six, six.

Both: What do we do with a love like this

[A half moon comes behind them]

I say we ride on a moonbeam

and dance our way back down

[Baby Faye sits on the half moon]

Lift me!

[Cut to Beck trying to lift the moon with a handle bar back stage]

Beck: Ugh, I can’t do it. I think my hernia popped out.

[Cut to Baby Faye]

Baby Faye: Dammit! Let’s just go to the big finish. Tap break, fellas. Hit it!

[Cut to Baby Faye, Mikey and Beck. They are tap dancing.]

[Faye’s mom enters the stage]

Faye’s mom: Don’t bother. I just went out there and there’s only four men in the audience and they’re all jackabating with girlie mags. I guess it’s something about doing it in public. Oh, well. Everything’s coming up, wrong.

[Faye’s mom falls off the stage]

[Cut to the show poster]

Announcer: Yes, they strip now. She just introduces them and then she leaves. That’s Show Biz!

Childbirth Class

Janelle… Aidy Bryant

Amy… Melissa Villaseñor

Mikey Day

Heather… Ego Nwodim

Donald… Chris Redd

Disa… Heidi Gardner

Magnus… Harry Styles

[Starts with a child birth class. There is a guide and three pregnant couples.]

Janelle: Okay, welcome to child birth class. My name is Janelle. [Cut to Janelle] I’m here as a guide through this very special time. Please feel free to share anything. This safe place.

[Cut to Amy and Mikey]

Amy: I’ll start. Hi, I’m Amy and honestly, my body feels like a mess. My body feels completely different.

Mikey: Oh, honey, you’re doing great.

[Cut to Heather and Donald]

Heather: Hi, I’m Heather. Lately I don’t recognize myself in the mirror.

Donald: Babe, you look beautiful.

Heather: Donald, don’t.

Donald:

[Cut to Janelle]

Janelle: And, Disa and Magnus, how are you doing?

[Cut to Disa and Magnus]

Disa: Oh, hi. I guess I’m like these women said, I’m feeling, how do you say in English? Cute.

[Cut to Janelle]

Janelle: You said you’re feeling cute?

[Cut to Disa and Magnus]

Magnus: Sorry. She learned English on Instagram. She’s been feeling, how you say, sexy as hell, so to say.

Disa: Oh, yeah. Sorry, I said cute when I meant sexy as hell.[Cut to all three couples] My sisters, we are the same. I love you.

[Cut to Janelle]

Janelle: So where are you guys from?

[Cut to Disa and Magnus]

Magnus: Iceland. Disa and I just arrived in America on lip syncing visas.

[Cut to all three couples]

Mikey: What are lip syncing visas?

[Cut to Disa and Magnus]

Magnus: You know, the lip syncing. To do an example.

[Disa covers her mouth and sings as Magnus tries to lip sync.]

Disa: I can’t feel my face when I’m with, you but I like it.

[Cut to Janelle]

Janelle: Wow. Very talented. Dads, how is the pregnancy going for you guys?

[Cut to all three couples]

Mikey: I’m kind of scared. Will I even be a good dad?

Donald: I feel you. Don’t know if I’m ready for this.

[Cut to Disa and Magnus]

Magnus: For sure, my dudes. The struggle is real. Mostly I’ve been snowboarding every day and watching my wife get hotter. Eating Godiva Truffles and making mega gains at the gym. Ready to father. Ready to raise a genius. Maximum effort. Sky’s the limit on dadding.

[Cut to all three couples]

Donald: Dadding?

Mikey: Yeah. Not where I’m at, at all.

[Cut to Janelle]

Janelle: It sounds like everyone is in different places. Have you been getting exercise? Fresh air?

[Cut to all three couples]

Heather: I used to do yoga four times a week but now just walking up the stairs is hard.

Amy: I’m like, is this even my body? I want to lay down all the time.

[Cut to Disa and Magnus]

Disa: Oh, yeah! My girls, I feel you. Lucky I have really easy exercise for pregnant. [Disa stands and shows her exercise] So, have you tried? Have you tried? Have you, have you, have you tried? Have you? Ma, ma, ma, have you tried?

[Cut to all three couples]

Heather: No.

Donald: You could try it.

Heather: Donald, you’re in the danger zone.

[Cut to Janelle]

Janelle: Okay, guys. Now, let’s talk intimacy.

[Cut to Amy and Mikey]

Amy: We don’t have that.

Mikey: Yeah, because you can’t have sex this far along.

[Cut to Janelle]

Janelle: Well, actually—

Amy: No, [Cut to Amy and Mikey] you can’t.

[Cut to Disa and Magnus]

Disa: Us too but we find other ways to connect. What is it called? When he, how you say, slide inside?

[Cut to three couples]

Heather: Sex?

Disa: Yes.

Magnus: Our favorite. The sessions are long and wife is very pleased. Have my dudes tried this?

[Disa and Magnus are preparing to show the other couples something]

[Cut to Janelle]

Janelle: Oh! You don’t to have demonstrate it.

[Cut to Disa and Magnus joining their butts]

Magnus: Have you tried?

Disa: Have you tried?

Magnus: Have you tried, my dudes?

[Cut to Janelle]

Janelle: Okay, you guys. You’ve shared a lot. So, let’s open it up to the rest of the group.

[Cut to Disa and Magnus]

Disa: Ow, ow, it hurts.

Magnus: Do you want to tell her? Tell her.

Disa: Okay. Safe space, right?

[Cut to three couples]

Heather: Until today.

[Cut to Disa and Magnus]

Disa: I’ve been gaining lots of weight in my butt but it’s not like fat. Magnus, what would you say is happening to my butt?

Magnus: Juice. Her butt is becoming very juicy. I like it so much.

Disa: Because what if I have the baby and my butt stops being juicy?

Magnus: Then it will go back to how it was before, like really fit and toned. It was like a little basketball butt.

Disa: But look how I have that butt. I don’t even know. [Cut to three couples. Disa looking at Heather] I never exercise. Ma’am? Afterbirth, what even is my butt?

Magnus: Let’s all exchange contact information so we can keep in informed after the birth.

[Cut to Amy and Mikey]

Mikey: Informed on what your wife’s butt will be? I’m down.

[Cut to three couples]

Disa: And us girls, too. I want to send you pictures of the babies.

Amy: Wait. You’re having twins?

[Cut to Amy and Mikey]

Disa: Triplets.

Magnus: There’s three of my dudes in there.

[Cut to three couples. Heather is preparing to fight with Disa and Magnus.]

Heather: Now, I’m mad because I’m about to give birth in jail.

[Cheers and applause]