Category: 2019

Weekend Update Sen. Elizabeth Warren Fundraises for Her 2020 Campaign

Elizabeth Warren … Kate McKinnon

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost on his set]

Colin Jost: Senator Elizabeth Warren has raised over $24 million in the past three months. Here to comment is senator Elizabeth Warren.

[Elizabeth Warren slides in]

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost]

Elizabeth Warren: Hello Colin.

Colin Jost: Hi, senator. Firm handshake. So you raised all of this money without any corporate donations, is that right? That’s right. That’s grass roots. And guess what, mama loves to garden. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] That’s why everyday I spend for hours taking selfies with every Warby Parker customers in America. And then I unwind by calling all my small donors to personally thank them.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, right, yes. I assume you do that on Instagram.

Elizabeth Warren: Yes, I’m calling people like Janet in St. Louis [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] who sent me a $2 check and a bogo coupon from Duane Reade. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost] Mind if I give her a call now?

Colin Jost: It’s not the best time.

Elizabeth Warren: Right, right. Janet, hi, it’s Elizabeth Warren. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] I wanted to thank you– Oh, it’s bad time? For the middle class? Okay, bye. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost] That’s Janet. Oh, do you mind if I do a thousand more?

Colin Jost: A thousand? No, we don’t have time for a thousand, I’m sorry. I just wanted to know, that there’s been some big money donors for democrats who said they would rather vote for Trump than you.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: You’re kidding me. What? The billionaires don’t like me? Oh, no! Look, I’m going to tell them the same thing my grandson told me when he took me to ‘Avengers infinity war’. This ain’t for you. That’s why you don’t like it. But then again, taking big checks from wall street worked great for the last lady running for president. Let me just skip Wisconsin and change my name to email Benghazi while I’m at it.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Who’s up there?

Elizabeth Warren: My friend.

Colin Jost: You’ve also been in the news because a fringe conspiracy theorist accused of you having a bdsm relationship with a 24 year old Marine.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: That’s Elizabeth Warren’s vibes for sure. Transactional sex with a younger man. Look, rumors have power when they feel true. What has ever felt less true than a single part of that? If you think I’m in a room with a veteran and I don’t immediately thank him for his service and make sure he’s getting his VA benefits, you’re insane. Also, 24? Any man younger than me by one day is my grandson. But part of that is true. I am into bdsm. Bank-destroying and saving medicare. Woo! So okay, I want to say thank you to all of my donors like Beth in Orlando who sent me this hastily needle pointed pillow that says, “Nevertheless she persists” or Linda in Des Moines who sent me this scary doll of myself. Finally, I’m going to call a young gentleman named Michael in New York.

[phone ringing]

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Hello?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren, Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Elizabeth Warren: Mike, it’s Elizabeth Warren. Thanks for the ten g’s.

Michael Che: No problem.

Colin Jost: Wait, you donated ten grand to Elizabeth Warren?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Yes, I like that she had sex with that marine.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Elizabeth Warren everyone.

Weekend Update R. Kelly Held without Bail

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of a dog and dog food at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A number of companies have started offering plant based dog food options, perfect for anyone who wants to pick up liquid dukie with a plastic bag.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of R Kelly at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Lawyers for R. Kelly, who is being held without bail, are complaining that the singer is only allowed to visit with one of his girlfriends at a time. Worse, visiting hours conflict with their schedule of their middle school.

[The picture changes to a glass of red wine.]

A new study suggests that fathers to be should stop drinking alcohol six months before trying to conceive a child. The study’s goal was to end Ireland.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a news article at left top corner that says ‘Man Hit in Testicle’.]

Michael Che: A Manhattan attorney has filed a $100,000 lawsuit against a batting cage company after a faulty machinefired a 75mph fastball into his left testicle. I guess, ball one.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: A new study found cats bond with people like dogs do but they’re too aloof to show it. Which is why I named my cat ‘Dad’.

[Picture changes to a news article with a title ‘Man Can’t Find Car After a Week’.]

A man who drove his car to a music festival still cannot remember where he parked his car a week after the show. We hope you make it back soon, [Picture changes to Pete Davidson] Pete.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a pet horse at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Residents on Staten Island are upset with a local man who keeps a pet horse in his yard saying the animal smells and attracts flies. You know what else smells and attracts flies? Staten Island.

[Picture changes to a news article ‘Billboard Displays Porn.]

Two people in Michigan accessed the computer billboard along a highway and changed a display to show a pornographic movie. As a result, police say there were a record number of Carjacking.

Weekend Update Chen Biao on US-China Trade War

Chen Biao … Bowen Yang

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: Next week China is set to visit the White House and discuss this ongoing trade war. Here to comment is Chinese trade representative, Chen Biao.

[Chen Biao slides in]

Chen Biao: [Speaking in Chinese language]

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: I’m sorry, Mr. Biao. Thanks for being here. But sorry, do you speak English?

Chen Biao: Yes, fluently. And that’s what’s called the power move. What’s up Che?

Michael Che: All right. So, as the Chinese trade representative, this must be a stressful time for you, right?

Chen Biao: I mean, [Cut to Chen Biao] you guys increased taxes on our imports, we increase taxes on yours. Meanwhile, I’m in the middle of it all and you know, I hate the attention. JK, I’m balling out right now because I’m the top tariff task master.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: I got to say, this was not the attitude I was expecting from a top Chinese government official.

[Cut to Chen Biao]

Chen Biao: Yes, well I’m running tarrifs. So, this is my time. I’m having my moment. I’m basically the Lizzo of China right now. And turns out I’m 100% that trade daddy. Everyone is texting me on WeChat like, “Oh my god, I’ve loved you since the jump.” And I just leave them unread because booked on blood.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: All right, China can’t keep this going forever.

Chen Biao: Oh, yeah? You need us more than we need you because [Cut to Chen Biao] we can survive without your movie starring the rock. But good luck without iPhones. How can you text us in the middle of the night like, “You up? Can you investigate Joe Biden for me?” Stupid!

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Americans are afraid the trade war might cause a recession. I mean ,is there any fear like that in China?

[Cut to Chen Biao]

Chen Biao: No way, fam. In fact, we’ve just raised our tariff on American soy beans, so save some of your Tempeh for us, Mackenzie.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Who is Mackenzie?

Chen Biao: I don’t know. Probably some sophomore at Vassar who drinks out of a metal straw and it’s such a performance.

Michael Che: All right, US tariffs on China are going up 30%.

Chen Biao: 30%. Who cares? [Cut to Chen Biao] I get 30% when my waiter has beefy traps. Look, this trade war is tit for tat, baby. And in China we got some tiggle bitties. I’m talking back pay.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: So, are you planning on being in this mode at the White House next week?

Chen Biao: Oh, tots! And look, Don Don, [Cut to Chen Biao] you want to play ball with big red? We actually built our wall. And you can see that from space. We measure time in seasons but you measure it in seasons of ‘Gray Anatomy’. So, step through this, and I will step back in my limited edition lunar new year Air Jordans.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Chen Biao, everybody.

Chen Biao: I actually liked Hobbs and Shaw a lot. I liked it.

The War in Words William and Lydia

William Macintosh … Mikey Day

Lydia … Phoebe Waller-Bridge

[Starts with History Channel show schedule]

Announcer: You’re watching the History Channel. Coming up at eight, “Hell On Wheels; Hitler’s Secret Super Car.” But now, it’s “The War In Words: Letters From the Front.”

[Cut to pictures of fighter pilot and his wife]

Narrator: The letters of English fighter pilot William Macintosh of the royal air force to his wife, Lydia.

[Cut to William Macintosh writing a letter]

William Macintosh: My dearest Lydia, ever since we crossed the channel to France, I have seen nothing but death and destruction. [Cut to Lydia reading the letter] Yet in this darkness, you provide light. [Cut to William Macintosh] Though I may be in hell, you are my perfect angel. Your husband, William.

[Cut to Lydia writing a letter]

Lydia: Dear William, thank you. Love, Lydia.

[Cut to William Macintosh]

William Macintosh: My dear wife, you’re welcome. In future letters though, if ever at a loss for words, please find some. For your words remind me of the home I miss so dearly. How I long to see you and our son. I even miss that rambunctious dog of ours. Yours, William.

[Cut to Lydia writing a letter]

Lydia: Dear William, I miss our dog, too. Love, Lydia.

[Cut to William Macintosh]

William Macintosh: My dear Lydia. Why do you miss our dog? Is he not with you at home? Please send word that he’s okay. And also send some token of your affection so that I may be reminded of you and our son. Always, yours, William.

[Cut to Lydia]

Lydia: Dear William, I am enclosing a lock of my hair. Hold it close and be safe. Love, Lydia.

[Cut to William Macintosh]

William Macintosh: Lydia, dearest, Perhaps you have been too generous with your gift of hair. You have sent me a vast amount. Have you shorn your head completely bald? Concerned, William.

[Cut to Lydia with her uneven haircut]

Lydia: William, ha-ha, no. Love, Lydia. P.S., give our dog a rub on the belly for me.

[Cut to William Macintosh]

William Macintosh: Lydia, I do not have our dog. He’s clearly run off. As if the day could not get worse, my dear friend Christopher was killed on patrol. The young French woman who cared for him in his final moments told me he died honorably. A shame. Love, William.

[Cut to Lydia]

Lydia: William, so who’s this French bitch you’re talking to? Your wife, Lydia.

[Cut to William Macintosh]

William Macintosh: Lydia, my dear! There is no cause for jealousy. I only have eyes for you, love. My absence is clearly weighing on you. Perhaps a weekend away would raise your spirits. Devotedly, William.

[Cut to Lydia]

Lydia: William, I took your advice and went on a little trip. And would you believe there was a newsreel camera at my hotel. I’m sending a copy of the film. Enjoy the show. Your movie star wife, Lydia.

[Cut to William Macintosh]

William Macintosh: My god, Lydia! I cannot believe what I’ve just seen. You appear to be palling around with Adolf Hitler and his friends as if you were one of the gang. What led to this? I demand an explanation. Your horrified husband, William.

[Cut to Lydia]

Lydia: Dear William, Oh, I see. So when you talk to some French whore, it’s nothing, move on. But when I go to a party where there happens to be a man, it’s “I demand an explanation”.

[Cut to William Macintosh]

William Macintosh: Yes, because it’s Hitler!

[Cut to Lydia]

Lydia: I am only glad your father is not alive to see what a hypocrite you’ve become. Love, Lydia.

[Cut to William Macintosh]

William Macintosh: Darling Lydia, has my father passed away? This is the first time I’m hearing of this. How did he go? Also still rabidly curious about the Hitler of it all. Answer, please. William.

[Cut to Lydia]

Lydia: William, I think your father died of a broken heart. He just couldn’t bear on to go on without your mother. Love, Lydia.

[Cut to William Macintosh]

William Macintosh: My mother passed as well? Darling, I do not think we should write to each other anymore. But know that I love you and our son dearly. Give him a kiss for me and tell him to be brave lad. Love William.

[Cut to Lydia]

Lydia: William, tell him yourself. Love Lydia.

[Cut to William Macintosh with his son]

William Macintosh: Why would you send our 5 year old son to a war zone?

Taylor Swift Lover (Live)

[Starts with Phoebe Waller-Bridge on SNL stage]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Ladies and gentlemen, Taylor swift.

[Cheers and applause]

[Music playing]

[Taylor Swift appears in the dark stage]

Taylor Swift: We could leave the Christmas lights up ’til January
This is our place, we make the rules
And there’s a dazzling haze, a mysterious way about you, dear
Have I known you twenty seconds or twenty years?

Can I go where you go?
Can we always be this close forever and ever?
And ah, take me out, and take me home
You’re my, my, my, my lover

We could let our friends crash in the living room
This is our place, we make the call
And I’m highly suspicious that everyone who sees you wants you
I’ve loved you three summers now, honey, but I want ’em all

Can I go where you go?
Can we always be this close forever and ever?
And ah, take me out, and take me home (forever and ever)
You’re my, my, my, my lover

Ladies and gentlemen, will you please stand?
With every guitar string scar on my hand
I take this magnetic force of a man to be my lover
My heart’s been borrowed and yours has been blue
All’s well that ends well to end up with you
Swear to be overdramatic and true to my lover

And you’ll save all your dirtiest jokes for me
And at every table, I’ll save you a seat, lover

Can I go where you go?
Can we always be this close forever and ever?
And ah, take me out, and take me home
You’re my, my, my, my
Oh, you’re my, my, my, my
Darling, you’re my, my, my, my lover

[Cheers and applause]

Taylor Swift False God (Live)

[Starts with Phoebe Waller-Bridge on SNL stage]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Once again, Taylor Swift.

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to a stage filled with lights. There’s a man playing trumpet and Taylor Swift standing.]

[Music playing]

Taylor Swift: We were crazy to think
Crazy to think that this could work
Remember how I said I’d die for you?

We were stupid to jump
In the ocean separating us
Remember how I’d fly to you?

And I can’t talk to you when you’re like this
Staring out the window like I’m not your favorite town
I’m New York City
I still do it for you, babe
They all warned us about times like this
They say the road gets hard and you get lost
When you’re led by blind faith
Blind faith

But we might just get away with it
Religion’s in your lips
Even if it’s a false god
We’d still worship
We might just get away with it
The altar is my hips
Even if it’s a false god
We’d still worship this love
We’d still worship this love
We’d still worship this love

I know heaven’s a thing
I go there when you touch me, honey
Hell is when I fight with you

But we can patch it up good
Make confessions and we’re begging for forgiveness
Got the wine for you

And you can’t talk to me when I’m like this
Daring you to leave me just so I can try and scare you
You’re the West Village
You still do it for me, babe
They all warned us about times like this
They say the road gets hard and you get lost
When you’re led by blind faith
Blind faith

But we might just get away with it
Religion’s in your lips
Even if it’s a false god
We’d still worship
We might just get away with it
The altar is my hips
Even if it’s a false god
We’d still worship this love
We’d still worship this love
We’d still worship this love, hmm

Still worship this love
Even if it’s a false god
Even if it’s a false god
Still worship this love

[Music  ends]

[Cheers and applause]

Royal Romance

Prentis Popplewell … Kate McKinnon

Duchess of Clerkenwell … Phoebe Waller-Bridge

Jimmy J Robertson … Kenan Thompson

Charles, Prince of Wales … Beck Bennett

Duchess of Clerkenwell

[Starts with Royal Romance intro]

Announcer: You’re watching Royal Romance, a BBC special event.

[Cut to Prentis Popplewell]

Prentis Popplewell: Good evening. I’m Prentis Popplewell. When prince Harry fell in love with a gorgeous American Starlet, we all went, “Ah.” But when Meghan Markle wanted to do things a little differently, some went, “Ah.” But this isn’t the first mixed raced royal couple who had to endure this sort of hostility. Tonight, we look back at the lesser known, Duchess of Clerkenwell, and the relationship that almost brought down the entire monarchy. This is Royal Romance.

[Cut to Duchess of Clerkenwell]

Duchess of Clerkenwell: The year was 1972. I had made my first journey to America. And there I met the man of my dreams. His name was Jimmy J Robertson.

[Cut to Jimmy J Robertson]

Jimmy J Robertson: But I was known up and down these streets as thunder stick, and my ass was about to live in a castle.

Prentis Popplewell: Thunder stick was a comedian, street poet, and Blaxploitation actor. Perhaps best known for his films, “The Return of Petey Biscuit Bits” and “Bitch, I Will Shoot You Right In the Face.”

[Cut to Duchess of Clerkenwell]

Duchess of Clerkenwell: But when I met Jimmy, he told me his primary occupation was karate, and I found it so refreshing.

[Cut to a clip from action movie where Jimmy J Robertson is fighting]

[Cut to Duchess of Clerkenwell]

Some of the other royals, they just didn’t understand Jimmy.

[Cut to Jimmy J Robertson]

Jimmy J Robertson: Yeah, I was both ahead of and way behind my times.

[Cut to Charles, Prince of Wales]

Charles: I’ll admit, when my niece brought Thunderstick over, I was a bit skeptical, mainly because he threw a bag of cocaine on the table, and said, “Nobody leaves the room until this big is empty”.

[Cut to Duchess of Clerkenwell]

Duchess of Clerkenwell: Jimmy brought fun to the royal family. He would stay up all night drinking, reciting Limericks about how unattractive our mothers were. Yet he would also vow to have sexual relations with all of them.

[Cut to Jimmy J Robertson]

Jimmy J Robertson: And then I demonstrated exactly how I was going to do it using an ottoman. Wore that thing down the threads.

[Cut to Duchess of Hertfordshire]

Duchess of Hertfordshire: At official events he requested to be introduced as the duke of dookie, and I’ll never forget the poem that he performed.

[Cut to Jimmy J Robertson saying his poem]

Jimmy J Robertson: I got me a palace surrounded by class.

I got two corgis going to bark at your ass.

When I raise my royal scepter, all my lady subjects bow.

They say, damn Thunderstick, give them the thunder now.

Come on red. We doing this?

[Cut to Charles, Prince of Wales]

Charles: He performed that at the christening of Prince William.

[Cut to Duchess of Clerkenwell]

Duchess of Clerkenwell: But for all his foibles. Jimmy helped modernize the monarchy. He knighted the first black American transforming mix-a-lot into sir mix-a-lot. And Jimmy was fabulous with children.

Cut to Jimmy J Robertson telling story to the children]

Jimmy J Robertson: Take a wild ride to Banberry cross. See a fine lady up on a white horse. Rings on her fingers, bells on her palms, that funky bitch was loud when I blew that orgasm out her drawers. You all are 18 right?

[Cut to Duchess of Clerkenwell]

Duchess of Clerkenwell: But the media could be ruthless.

[Cut to Jimmy J Robertson]

Jimmy J Robertson: You better believe they hated my catch phrase, “Take a look at my big black ass”.

[Cut to Duchess of Clerkenwell]

Duchess of Clerkenwell: And in the end we drifted apart.

[Cut to Jimmy J Robertson]

Jimmy J Robertson: Yeah, as much as we had in common, we were from different worlds.

[Cut to Duchess of Clerkenwell]

Duchess of Clerkenwell: Also he cheated on me with a waffle house waitress.

[Cut to Jimmy J Robertson]

Jimmy J Robertson: I did do that, bot it scattered, smothered, and covers, baby.

[Cut to Prentis Popplewell]

Prentis Popplewell: Let’s take a quick break. When we return, a clip from Thunderstick’s Kung Fu censor film “Ho Ho Hi-Ya!” on Royal Romance.

 

Phoebe Waller-Bridge Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue set. There is a band playing music.]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Phoebe Waller-Bridge.

[Cheers and applause]

[Phoebe Waller-Bridge walks in to the stage]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Oh my gosh. Thank you, thank you. Hello, everyone. My name is Phoebe Waller-Bridge. I’m honored to be here hosting SNL. [Cheers and applause] I’m from the UK, which means I find everything embarrassing. And this monologue is probably the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever done. And standing in front of a Jazz band in high heels on live television, joking about my accomplishments – actually that sounds pretty fun. [laughter] Anyway, when I asked, do we have to do this bit? They said, yes, it’s part of your visa.

I wrote and acted in a TV show called ‘Fleabag’. [Cheers and applause] It’s about a woman who is trying to navigate her life in London. People often assume that I’m like the character, Fleabag. Simply because I wrote it. Sexually depraved, foul mouthed, and dangerous. And I always have to say, “Yes, you’re absolutely right.” In fact, everything I write has a degree of truth. And every project is different. I’m not a sex addict because I wrote ‘Fleabag’ but I did write ‘Killing Eve’ because I’m a psychopath. My most exciting ex-boyfriend wrote nothing but was both. [laughter]

It’s a great time to be a psychopath right now. They’re really having a moment, don’t you think? When I was writing ‘Killing Eve’, I did a lot of research on psychopaths. So much so that I did actually start to believe that everyone in my life was one. I told my housemate, I think you might be a psychopath and he responded immediately with, “I have empathy.” Which I found a little unnerving. So, you know, sexy.

‘Fleabag’ came from a very, very personal place for me. It began as a way to get Andrew Scott to dress up as a priest and tell me that he loves me. It took me six years and two seasons to achieve it but I did it. I don’t care about awards, I just want gay men to love me. I called the character ‘priest’ in the script but everyone started calling him ‘hot priest’. Obviously, Andrew is hot. But this priest character caused such a horn storm. Andrew and I were trying to figure out what it was about him that was driving women so mental. And we boiled it down and realized, it was because he was doing this one thing—listening. Just really, really listening. Try it, guys.

But we all find weird things sexy. And women can now speak much more openly about their desires without being burned at the stake, which is nice. I love that. Back in the day, horny women were to be feared and now they’re given Emmys. Sexual conversation for women is expanding. The weirder your fantasy, the more open you are about it, the cooler you are. Oh, you locked your husband in the attic? Rock on, sister. Whereas straight men, these days, you are allowed one fantasy. If you are looking up anything other than a woman in her 30s in the missionary position, you’re a pervert. Burn him!

For a world obsessed with sex, it’s kind of incredible how little attention we actually pay our genitals. When we focus on them or if they get sick or something, then it’s all about them. The rest of the time, they’re just sitting there. They’re just sitting there. Patiently. Like—I mean, just think about how many of them are in this room right now. Think about all the genitals all across America, sat on couches, right now. Just like–

So, to honor their patience at home and here, let’s give them a good time. We have a great show tonight. Taylor Swift is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

Mike Pence Impeachment Strategy Cold Open

Mike Pence … Beck Bennett

William Barr … Aidy Bryant

Rudy Giuliani … Kate McKinnon

Mike Pompeo … Matthew Broderick

Mr. Schiff … Mikey Day

Ben Carson … Kenan Thompson

President of Finland … Alex Moffat

[Cut to Mike Pence, Rudy Giuliani and William Barr in a meeting]

Mike Pence: Rudy, attorney general Barr, thank you for joining me. As you know, this impeachment farce is growing worse by the day. And now, a second whistle-blower is coming forward.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: And it’s all happening during my busy season – Halloween.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Where is the president, Mike?

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: He has more important things to deal with. He’s meeting with an alligator breeder about filling a moat at the border.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: You should have told me. I know a couple of gators from when I lived in the central park zoo.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Rudy, we need to get ahead of this story before it spirals out of control. Did you see those text messages they uncovered?

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: What! They totally exonerate us.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Really? What do they say?

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Well, this one says, “I think we should stop texting about the crimes and maybe tell the crimes over the phone that the crimes don’t leave little crime footprints.” See, it’s all taken care of.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: I can’t believe that. I’m supposed to be seeing the new Judy Garland movie with mother.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr:  You worry too much, Mike. Presidents get impeached every 30 or 40 years. Now, come on, relax, have another glass of milk.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Well, it’s 5 somewhere. [Mike Pence drinks milk in a whiskey glass]

[Assistant walks in]

Assistant: Mr. Vice President, secretary Mike Pompeo has returned from Greece and is here to see you.

Mike Pence: Oh!

[Mike Pompeo walks in]

Mike Pompeo: Hey, good to be back.

Mike Pence: Mike, weren’t you subpoenaed by congress?

Mike Pompeo: I was, but I think I bought myself a little time.

[Cut to the chairman Mr. Schiff]

Mr. Schiff: This meeting of the house intelligence committee will now come to order. Pompeo. Pompeo. Pompeo.

[Cut to a doll of Mike Pompeo]

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani and Mike Pompeo]

Mike Pompeo: Listen, I’ve been asking around and I think that this whole impeachment thing could be really bad.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Who told you that?

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani and Mike Pompeo]

Mike Pompeo: Like, America.

Rudy Giuliani: Not according to this Breitbart office poll that says 121% of people want Biden impeached.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Maybe we should listen to Mike. After all, he is secretary of—

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani and Mike Pompeo]

Mike Pompeo: State, I think? Honestly, I don’t know anymore. My ID just says Big Mike.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: That’s right. The only original cabinet member left in Ben Carson.

[Ben Carson walks in]

Ben Carson: Did somebody say my name?

Mike Pence: That’s okay, Ben. This isn’t your job.

Ben Carson: Okay. But I’ve been sitting in my empty office for like three years. Does anyone know what my job is supposed to be?

William Barr: No idea. Anyone? I don’t know.

Ben Carson: Even if somebody could give me my password to my computer, that would be a great help.

William Barr: You know what? I better show Mr. Carson out.

Mike Pence: But you’ll be back, right? We’re in the middle of a crisis here.

William Barr: Oh, for sure, 100%. See you soon.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani and Mike Pompeo]

Rudy Giuliani: Listen, guys, we’re going to be just fine. We need to close ranks, you know? Like the mafia.

Mike Pompeo: Uh, yeah, except the mafia was like, smart. They didn’t go on Fox News and tell people crimes before they did them.

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, that reminds me, I promised Hannity I would go on his show tonight. I better get into my stage make up so I look less– While I’m going, you guys should get your stories straight. Okay? Something like how hunter Biden started pizza gate or how this can all be traced back to Takashi 69. Whatever the worst idea is, text it to me so the feds have a record. I’ll be back.

[Rudy Giuliani leaves]

Mike Pompeo: He’s probably right about getting out stories straight.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Yes, because even if they’re not straight now, they could still be converted to straight, right?

[Cut to  Mike Pompeo]

Mike Pompeo: You know, though the other thing we could do is just flee the country. There’s a whole list of countries that would love to have us. North Korea, Saudi Arabia. End of list.

[Cut to everybody]

Mike Pence: I’m sorry, who is this guy?

President of Finland: I’m the president of Finland.

Mike Pence: Oh, my god. You’re still here? From the press conference?

[Cut to President of Finland]

President of Finland: Yes. Mr. Trump kept screaming and then he just walked off and I did not know if it was over or what.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: You can go. You’re going to go.

[Cut to President of Finland]

President of Finland: Well, I did want to say, the concept of diplomacy is very important.

[Cut to Mike Pompeo]

Mike Pompeo: Oh, that’s cute. Hey, you know what? [Cut to everybody] I’m going to walk this guy out. So, what’s Finland like? I mean to live in.

President of Finland: It’s nice.
Mike Pence: Wait. You’re coming back, right, Mike? Because if things go bad for Trump, then I’m president.

Mike Pompeo: Oh, yeah, yeah, that’s great, that’s going to work out just great. I can’t wait for that to happen. And hey, impeachment moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around, might miss it.

[Mike Pompeo leaves]

[Cut to Mike Pence alone in a room]

Mike Pence: Wow, it looks like I’m here all alone.

[Assistant walks in with a basket]

Assistant: Actually, sir, Stephen Miller wanted to talk to you.

Mike Pence: Oh. Fantastic.

Assistant: Here he is.

[Assistant opens the basket, a snake comes out]

Mike Pence: Oh, thanks for coming by, Stephen. Do you have any way out of this impeachment? [Snake whispering] Oh really? [Snake whispering]  Biden, corruption? Okay, uh-huh. Get Nicholas Cage to steal the constitution and blame it on immigrants? Do you really think that will work? [Snake whispering] God, he’s good. He’s good.

[Assistant walks in]

And speaking of good, Rudy Giuliani is back from his appearance on Fox News. He’s still in stage makeup.

[Rudy Giuliani walks in with The Joker make up]

Rudy Giuliani: I killed on Hannity.

Mike Pence: Did you say killed?

Rudy Giuliani: That’s right, and I’ll kill again.

Mike Pence and Rudy Giuliani: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Mid-Day News

Kenan Thompson

Phoebe Waller-Bridge

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Dennis Jones… Chris Redd

[Starts with WANU Midday News intro]

[Cut to the news set]

Kenan Thompson: This is the morning, and welcome back to WANU Midday News.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Coming up, the mayor’s office announced a bold new plan to revamp the city’s infrastructure.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Alex Moffat]

Ego Nwodim: And it’s about time. But first, yet another gas station has fallen prey to an armed robbery. A shell station in the 4,000 block of Pulaski highway was robbed around 11:45 AM this morning making that a total of seven gas stations to be attacked in the last week.

Alex Moffat: Ouff. Scary stuff.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: And we’re told the suspect remains at large. But authorities believe that they now have a credible description of the perp. The suspect described as a white male–

Kenan Thompson: Woo!

[Cut to everybody]

Ego Nwodim: Love it!

[Kenan Thompson and Ego Nwodim and having high-fives]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: I’m sorry, what are you two celebrating?

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: Oh, nothing. We’re just glad that we know what the criminal looks like.

[Cut to everybody]

And he ain’t one of us.

Ego Nwodim: You know what I’m talking about? You know what I’m saying? You know what I’m thinking?

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Anyway, the suspect—

Kenan Thompson: White guy.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Was last spotted fleeing the scene on foot. So, anyone with information is being asked to contact the MPD immediately.

Kenan Thompson: Yes, help us catch this white criminal.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: In other news, a Ponzi scheme has shaken some of Miami’s wealthiest residents.

Ego Nwodim: That’s one of y’all’s for sure.

Alex Moffat: Clemet Smith of Clemet Smith Investment Securities is accused of committing this egregious white collar crime.

Ego Nwodim: Right there in the name.

Alex Moffat: Smith is said to have been operating a multi-billion dollar Ponzi scheme.

Ego Nwodim: Now you know black people ain’t got that kind of money.

Alex Moffat: He was arrested this morning in Boca Raton.

[Cut to a picture of a black young man]

And look at that.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Alex Moffat]

Ego Nwodim: Damn!

Alex Moffat: He’s black.

Ego Nwodim: Really, what?

Kenan Thompson: Okay, so I guess we tied.

[Cut to everybody]

One of ours for one of yours.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: This is ridiculous. No one’s keeping score. Okay. [Cut to Dennis Jones on weather report] We have an update on that tropical storm we’ve been tracking. Let’s hear from WAMU weatherman Dennis Jones. Dennis?

Dennis Jones: Thanks, Pam. We’ve been previously calling a tropical storm. It’s not upgraded to a category hurricane, as you see here, destroying everything in its path with incredible high winds. We’re calling this one Hurricane Chet. And that’s a white man’s name if I ever heard one.

[Cut to everybody in the news set]

Ego Nwodim: I knew it. I knew it. I knew it.

[Cut to Dennis Jones]

Dennis Jones: And that makes two of y’all, one of us. We in the lead, back in the game. Gang, gang. Gang, gang.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: No way. That doesn’t not count. Hurricanes are not white.

Kenan Thompson: Unless they’re named Chet.

[Cut to everybody]

Alex Moffat: Okay! Can we move on from this petty game please?

Kenan Thompson: Oh, because y’all losing.

Ego Nwodim: Oh, how convenient.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: Okay, let’s just get back to the news. A Ft. Launderdale man was apprehended outside of a – cracker barrel.

Ego Nwodim: Um-hmm. Keep going.

Alex Moffat: For cutting brake lines on dozen bird-scooters.

Ego Nwodim: You know only white people got that kind of time.

Alex Moffat: Okay. Yeah. So, he’s white, so what?

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: So now we’re down to one.

Kenan Thompson: It’s not looking too goof for y’all today. In other news, a shopper was apprehended by security at Oceanside mall for assaulting a man who stepped on his Air Jordan’s.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Oh, I’m sorry. Did you say Air Jordan’s?

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: Oh, that’s black for sure.

Ego Nwodim: Damn.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: You know, I knew it. I knew it as soon as I saw it. Right.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Okay. And how about this one? A local woman attacked a cashier at a nail shop after they refused to take her welfare card.

Kenan Thompson: Oh, my lord.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Police say they’re looking for a 19-year-old white—Damn it!

Kenan Thompson: Whoo! That’s three, baby!

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Alex Moffat]

Ego Nwodim: Nice!

Alex Moffat: Okay, let’s get that back. Police say a Latino man—

Ego Nwodim: Ah! Skip that one. We don’t need that. Okay, how about this? How about a man on rock climbing trip was mauled by a bison for the second time in three months. See, y’all don’t learn. Y’all don’t like to learn.

Alex Moffat: Okay, just keep reading.

Ego Nwodim: This incident happened in the Utah National State park.

Alex Moffat: Not looking good.

Ego Nwodim: The family of the man now identified as Laquan Tankin.

Alex Moffat: Yes!

Ego Nwodim: Baby, what are you dong?

Alex Moffat: What an upset.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: A Laquan? Rock climbing? In Utah?

[Cut to Dennis Jones]

Dennis Jones: That’s okay. We still tied up baby.  Let’s go.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: All right. Next one takes it. A man dressed as the joker— Damn it!

Kenan Thompson: Woo!

[Cut to everybody]

Good game. Good game.

[Starts with WANU Midday News outro]