Category: 2019

Grouch (Joker Parody)

Chris Redd

Oscar… David Harbour

Therapist… Ego Nwodim

News Reporter… Bowen Yang

Kenan Thompson

Heidi Gardner

Beck Bennett

Elmo… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a video footage of New York city]

[Cut to Chris Redd and Oscar]

Chris Redd: Damn, that smells straight like ass.

[Oscar opens a trash can]

Oscar: I don’t know. I kind of like it.

Chris Redd: Yeah? You like trash so much why don’t you live in it?

Oscar: Why don’t you bite me?

Oscar: Damn, Oscar, why you such a grouch, man?

[Cut to narrative video]

Announcer: From the studio that brought you “Joker” and the twisted mind at Sesame Workshop, comes the next gritty antihero origin story.

[Cut to Therapist]

Therapist: Why do you think you’re always in such a bad mood?

[Cut to Oscar]

Oscar: That ain’t me. Things are getting worse out there.

[Cut to TV news]

News Reporter: Once friendly neighborhood of “Sesame Street” has now become a haven of crime and corruption. I’m guy smiley, ABCDEFG news.

[Cut to Oscar walking on the street]

Oscar: Hookers and pimps on every corner.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Lady]

Kenan Thompson: Now, look, prairie dog, you want a snuffy’s ho’s. Okay? And snuffy’s ho’s earn.

Lady: I’m sorry, daddy.

Kenan Thompson: Bitch, you better shut your damn mouth for good.

[Cut to Oscar watching]

Oscar: People are getting killed over nothing.

[Cut to an alley where where people getting robbed]

Robber: Give me the ducky.

Alex Moffat: Ernie! Give it to him!

Ernie: Hell no, bitch!

[The robber stabs Ernie]

Alex Moffat: No! Ah!

[Cut to Therapist]

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

[Cut to Oscar]

Oscar: Grouchy.

[Cut to video clips of Oscar acting like Joker]

When everyone calls you trash, and everyone treats you like trash, why don’t you just become trash?

Announcer: Variety asks, Did we need a dark take on “Oscar the Grouch?” “No,” says the New York Times. The beloved residents are obsessing on streets like you’ve never seen before.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner dressed as a clown]

Heidi Gardner: Do you want to see this big bird dance?

[Cut to Beck Bennett dressed as a vampire]

Beck Bennett: Three! Three pearls for me.

[Cut to a police arresting Melissa Villaseñor]

Elmo: I’m innocent. I’m not going to sell no crack. You only arrest Elmo because Elmo Mexican!

Oscar: Sunny Day.

Announcer: From director, Todd Phillips.

Oscar: Sweeping the clouds away.

Announcer: And the writer of “P is for Potty.”

Oscar: Oh my way to where the air is sweet

Can you tell me how to get

Oscar: Would you do me one favor? Could you call me the grouch?

Announcer: Brought to you by the letter R.

Oscar: Scram!

Father-Son Podcasting Microphone

Father… David Harbour

Son… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a father and a son sitting on a couch]

Announcer: The father/son relationship is one of the most important bonds in the world, [Son moves away from his father and starts using his phone] but we all know talking to your son isn’t always easy.

[Cut to son sketching something and father walks in]

Father: What’s that?

Son: Just one of my inventions.

Father: Sure.

[Cut to father and son having a mean in their dining hall]

Announcer: But now every father can break through to his son using [Cut to a microphone] the father/son podcasting microphone.

[Cut to the father and his son both talking on a microphone]

With the father/son podcasting microphone, you and your son can start to have real meaningful conversations.

Father: Today, I am joined by my co-host, my son.

Son: It’s great to be here, dad.

Announcer: Dad and son can finally open up to each other using the comforting cadence and structure of a podcast.

Son: I’d say my dad’s distant.

Father: It’s though. You know? This notebook, you can read about being a dad.

Son: Actually, there are several.

Announcer: A podcast is a great chance for father and son to get raw, confessional and unfiltered.

Son: I guess looking back on my life so far, I’ve done everything in order to gain my dad’s approval.

Announcer: But sometimes things get too real. Luckily you can always shift gears with a quick commercial.

Father: You know what I’d do? Squarespace. You want to make a beautiful website in no time? Squarespace has you covered.

Son: Choose from hundreds of stunning templates start from scratch. And our listeners can get started for free with promo code “sonlovedad.”

Father: You nailed that kiddo.

Announcer: With a father/son podcast, your conversations can be divided into equally digestible segments.

Father: Well, it turns out vasectomies don’t always take, and that wraps up this week’s edition of family secrets.

[Cut to demo of how to use the microphone]

Announcer: And plus, there’s an adjustable mic stand so that you can raise up the mic as your son becomes a man.

Father: 114th episodes later, and you’re almost as tall as your old man.

Son: Well, I have been taking a little bit of HGH.

[Cut to the microphone commercial]

Announcer: The father/son podcasting microphone just has to get you through three awkward years before you can start drinking together.

David Harbour Monologue

David Harbour

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Pete Davidson

Lorne

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[The band is playing music on stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – David Harbour.

[David Harbour walks in the door and to the stage]

David Harbour: Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Very, very much. I am David Harbour. I play Chief Hopper on the show “Stranger Things.” Most people don’t actually know this but I put on 20 Pounds for that role. Nobody asked me to do that, but I did that. It’s great. I get to act with a bunch of amazing kids who are all going through puberty at exactly the same time. So, set is a blast. But, look, as much as I love the show, I can do a lot more. I’ve done Shakespeare in the park. I’ve been in “The Merchant of Venice” on broadway. I have played “Hellboy”. Oh. That’s surprising. They wanted me to do a “Stranger Things” monologue tonight and I was like, “No! I want to do one of those walk around the studio ones.” You know? Crack jokes with people. You know? Be fun! Right?

[Cheers and applause]

Come on! Let’s do it. Let’s do it.

[David Harbout starts walking around the audience]

So right here is where the attractive people sit. Oh, congratulations. Oh, hey, look, everybody. It’s Kate McKinnon, everyone.

Kate McKinnon: David, something’s wrong here.

David Harbour: What? Kate, what’s wrong?

Kate McKinnon: I don’t know. Look, it just appeared.

[Kate shows David a hole through the wall]

I think it’s a gate to the upside down, man.

David Harbour: Oh, just like in my show. Look, whoever’s behind these doors might need my help, okay? I’m going in.

Kate McKinnon: Be careful.

[Cut to David Harbour walking in a smoky place]

[David is coughing]

David Harbour: Hello? Is anyone there? Oh, my god. Barb.

[Aidy Bryant is stuck on the wall]

Aidy Bryant: No, nope. David, it’s Aidy. We’ve been working together all week.

David Harbour: Oh, right. Are you okay?

Aidy Bryant: I mean, I’m really not.

David Harbour: Okay, I’ll go for help. I won’t forget about you, Barb.

[David Harbour walks forward]

Hey,Beck.

[David meets Beck]

Hey, how do I get to the ‘SNL’ stage?

Beck Bennett: Well, there are lots of ways David. For me, I got my start in high school theater. I started making comedy video and them in the internet with my friends.

[A creature jumps on Beck and pulls him away]

David Harbour: Oh! Thank god. He told me that story, like, five times this week already. Wait. No. No, it can’t be. Pete Davidson?

[David Harbour meets Pete Davidson]

Pete Davidson: Hey, what up?

David Harbour: Is this where you’ve been? In the up-side-down?

Pete Davidson: Yeah, dude. It’s lit, right?

David Harbour: No, it’s not. Why don’t you come back with me. Can you do the show tonight.

Pete Davidson: Uh, maybe. Hey, didn’t you die in here at the end of the show? Are you dead?

David Harbour: No. I’m not exactly authorized—Just watch the show. You’ll find out next season.

[David Harbour walks forward]

Hey, can you help me? Can you help me?

Lorne: One second. Boss, your food is here. It’s at the page desk.

David Harbour: Lorne, what are you doing? You’re a page?

Lorne: Everybody’s got to start somewhere.

David Harbour: But, then who’s running the show.

[Kenan Thompson walks in]

Kenan Thompson: Uh-huh. Well, finally. Took me long enough to get my dinner.

David Harbour: Kenan, you’re running the show from here?

Kenan Thompson: Well, yeah. I mean I basically running the show from out there, too. Now, I believe you got a monologue to do, man. Go on, shoot!

David Harbour: All right, thanks, boss.

[David Harbour walks out]

Kenan Thompson: All right. Let’s see what we got here, and it better not be cheese on this. And there’s cheese on it. Use your hand, Lorne.

Lorne: I can go back. Wow. He knows my name.

[Cut to David Harbour on SNL monologue stage]

David Harbour: Wow. So glad I’m back. Wow! Here in the right side up, we have a great show, Camila Cabello is here. Stick around. We’ll be right back.

Cut for Time Giuliani & Associates

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Lev Parnas… Beck Bennett

Igor Fruman… David Harbour

Kirstjen Nielsen

Alex Moffat

Bernie Williams… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Giuliani & Associates intro]

Narrator: Has your reputation been injured on the job? Were you the victim of a crime you committed? Are you facing serious legal trouble? Do you want to make it worse?

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: And so called Giuliani & Associates. We want to make you our client and accomplice. Hi, I’m Rudy Giuliani. The only lawyer who’s on your side and off his meds. And you may have heard of my associates who were recently arrested for crimes against America. Their actual human names are Lev Parnas.

[Lev Parnas walks in]

Lev Parnas: Hey.

Rudy Giuliani: And Igor Fruman.

[Igor Fruman walks in]

Igor Fruman: Hey you guys.

Rudy Giuliani: And they’re not just handsome. They’re running to work for you.

Lev Parnas: Fraud.

Igor Fruman: Bribery.

Rudy Giuliani: Conspiracy.

Lev Parnas: Money laundering.

Igor Fruman: Resent.

Rudy Giuliani: We’ve done it all which means we know how to get you out of it.

Lev Parnas: We will take your case.

Igor Fruman: You will go to jail.

Rudy Giuliani: And we will keep your money.

Igor Fruman: Thanks to Googliani and Associates, there is the guarantee.

Rudy Giuliani: At Giuliani and Associates, we may not have passed the bar but we’ve definitely lowered it.

Lev Parnas: So, turn your browser to private. Then google our website.

Rudy Giuliani: Or dial 108-815-005. Oh, that’s my bank routing number. Forget that.

Igor Fruman: Giuliani and Associates are New York based but we operate out of Florida where laws are written at the back of McDonald’s receipts.

Lev Parnas: Also, our only American client is the president of the United States.

Rudy Giuliani: And he loves us, such why when they ask the president yesterday if I’m still his lawyer, he said, “I don’t know.” That’s pretty good considering–

Igor Fruman: Still not convinced? Just ask these satisfied customers.

[Cut to Kirstjen Nielsen]

Kristjen Nielsen: Yes, I’m real American woman who needed top shelf, no question asked lawyer. I collaborate with Googoogaga, and he helped me fund the money from prostituting business straight to republican super perk. And now, I’m acting secretary of homeland security. Thanks Rudy.

[Cut to Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: I’m American as well. I am a good man who do one or two bad things and need to disappear fast. Rudy get me new name, new passport and picture with president at monologue. I even grabbed a handful of eggs from buffet. Thanks crime.

[Cut to Bernie Williams]

Bernie Williams: And hi. I am Yankee’s legend, Bernie Williams. I tell you who saved legally– wait, Rudy, what’s this for?

[Rudy Giuliani walks in]

Rudy Giuliani: It’s for charity. Don’t worry.

Bernie Williams: Which charity?

Rudy Giuliani: I don’t know. Taco Tuse. Just look in the camera and say Rudy did nothing wrong. Besides, whatever happened to three strikes?

Bernie Williams: Yeah, I’m not saying that. I think I should talk to a lawyer.

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, I got a lawyer. Come here.

[Igor Fruman walks in]

Igor Fruman: Oh! You got to stop saying that. I passed my bar-tending exam only on the third try. I thought the gin and tequila are the same.

Bernie Williams: Nope.

[Bernie Williams walks away]

[Lev Parnas walks in]

Lev Parnas: And we’re comfortable with transactions such as–

Igor Fruman: One way travel to a foreign country.

Rudy Giuliani: Mistress go-aways.

Lev Parnas: Brick through window of judge.

Igor Fruman: Shake a guy until he say, “Okay, okay, I talk!”

Rudy Giuliani: And TV/VCR repair.

Igor Fruman: But, that’s not all. We also help victims of peyronie’s disease. Does your downstairs finger look like this?

Rudy Giuliani: I slammed my thing in a car door. Twice. Now it looks like a silly straw. So, call Giuliani and Associates today

Igor Fruman: And if you don’t, I’ll kill you.

[Cut to Giuliani & Associates outro]

Court Show

Judge Connie Schaumberg… Cecily Strong

Police… Chris Redd

Bandit… David Harbour

Mary Schmidt… Kate McKinnon

Alex Moffat

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Dog Court’s intro]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Did another dog run off with your dog’s ball? Did another dog wiz on your dog’s head? Is a dog pushing it’s political beliefs onto your dog? Don’t take justice into your own hands. Take them to dog court with me. Judge Connie Schaumberg.

Police: All rise. Welcome the honorable Judge Connie of the 110th and Amsterdam dog court.

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Okay everyone, sit. Ah, sit. We got a lot on the docket today. Ah. You brought Miss Jesse to work?

Police: Yeah. Sorry, judge. It’s take your daughter to work day.

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Oh no, it’s not. It’s in April, but you know what? That’s still cute. All right, first case.

[Cut to a man and a woman walks in with their dogs]

Police: This case number 328, Mary Schmidt vs. Bandit.

Judge Connie Schaumberg: State your case.

Bandit: All right, look. It’s very simple, your honor. All right? In my opinion, this woman and her dog, they are insane.

[Cut to Mary Schmidt]

Mary Schmidt: No, Schitles and I are as sound as bells. His dog is however is a sociopath who will do anything for a cheap laugh. Look at the eyes, its totally dead.

[Cut to the judge]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Just tell me what happened.

[Cut to Mary Schmidt]

Mary Schmidt: Simply put, I offered his dog my hand to sniff as is customary and his dog started jumping up on my body, biting both paws against my neck and pulling down my v-neck t-shirt revealing both of my bosoms.

[Cut to the dogs barking as the jury]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Order, order!

[Cut to the judge]

Courtroom, not a kennel!

[Cut to Bandit]

Bandit: Your honor, your honor, maybe you want to ask her why she came to the dog park with no bra.

[Cut to Mary Schmidt]

Mary Schmidt: I got one good bra and it was in the wash, your honor. You know hot it is.

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Yeah, I do know how that goes. Yeah. [Cut to the judge] What evidence do you have to support your case?

[Cut to Mary Schmidt]

Mary Schmidt: I have 20 eyewitnesses and I wore the t-shirt here.

[Cut to the judge]
Judge Connie Schaumberg: You put the lipstick back in the holster. All right, I’m ready to roll. I order you to switch dogs. See how the other half lives.

[Cut to Mary Schmidt and Bandit]

Mary Schmidt: What? Switch dogs.

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Do it!

[Cut to Mary Schmidt and Bandit switching dogs]

Mary Schmidt: There you go. All right. Good luck. Mine barks at poor people and only goes into a human toilet.

Bandit: And my dog has violent night tearers and screams like a human.

[Cut to the judge]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Okay. Well, let me tell you something. Whew. The dog court is a place for fun and tolerance. I should be so lucky to bring my dog—to the park, but I can’t because she’s crippled because I won’t let her walk. I don’t like – now – she rides around in a little football helmet. Okay? Think about that.

[Cut to Mary Schmidt and Bandit switching dogs]

Mary Schmidt: Wow! You’re right, your honor.

Bandit: I’m sorry, your honor.

[Cut to the judge]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Sketch artist, did you get everything? Okay. Looks not like me, but, yeah, you’re a dog.

[Cut to the break video]

Announcer: Coming up on the next dog court –

[Cut to the judge]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Okay, tell me what’s what. Make it snappy.

[Cut to Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: Okay. Your honor, her dog is too big to be in the little dog park area.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]
Melissa Villaseñor: You don’t even have a dog. You’re a lookie-loo and everyone knows it.

[Cut to the judge]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Is that true sir? Get off it. Walking in the park seeing other people’s dogs?

[Cut to Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: Is that a crime?

[Cut to the judge]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: No, it’s up to the jury. The verdict, please?

[Cut to the dogs as jury passing the verdict envelope]

[Cut to the judge receiving and opening the envelope]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Ooh, Yep, I knew it. Sorry to say the jury has sentenced you to death.

[Cut to Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: What?

[Cut to the judge]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Yeah, it seems extreme but this is dog court.

[Cut to Dog Court outro]

CNN Equality Town Hall Cold Open

Anderson Cooper… Alex Moffat

Billy Porter

Cory Booker… Chris Redd

Aidy Bryant

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Daniel… Kyle Mooney

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

Julian Castro… Lin-Manuel Miranda

Joe Biden… Woody Harrelson

Bowen Yang

[Starts with CNN Town Hall Equality America intro]

Announcer: One stage, no room. Last one standing gets the oh, so, illusive – a CNN Town Hall Equality America with Anderson Cooper.

[Cut to the stage of CNN Town Hall Equality America intro]

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Good evening. I’m Anderson Cooper. This Town Hall will discuss issues affecting our community. LGBTQ and girls to make pride about them. And since we’ll never do this again, we’re going to go all-out. So, to help us announce the candidates, it’s Billy Porter from “Pose”.

[Cut to Billy Porter]

[Cheers and applause]

Billy Porter: Hello! Hello. Yes. Hello, Anderson. Category is Vanderbilt Dynasty, news realness.

[Cut to Anderson Cooper and Billy Porter]

Anderson Cooper: Yes, god. Now Billy, please introduce our first candidate.

[Cut to Billy Porter]

Billy Porter: Okay. Yes, he may live in the projects, but ladies, he ain’t no project. It’s Cory Booker.

[Cory Booker walks in and stands next to Anderson Cooper]

[Cheers and applause]

Anderson Cooper: Thank you for being here senator Booker.

Cory Booker: My girlfriend was in ‘rent’ so yeah, I get it.

Anderson Cooper: First question.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Hi senator. My question is, have you always been supportive of the gay community?

[Cut to split screen. Cory Booker on left and Aidy Bryant on right]

Cory Booker: Absolutely, yes. I have nothing but respect since day one.

Aidy Bryant: But in 1992–

Cory Booker: Uh-oh.

Aidy Bryant: –you published an op-ed where you said some very derogatory things about the gay community.

Cory Booker: Now, I don’t want to think– I don’t want you to think I’m dodging the question. So I’m going to go now.

[Cut to Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Our next candidate is playing with a home field advantage.

[Cut to Billy Porter]

Billy Porter: Yes! Representing the house of Booty-gig, it’s mayor Pete!

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg walks in and stands next to Anderson Cooper]

[Cheers and applause]

Pete Buttigieg: Thank you, thank you very much. I went to Harvard, but they don’t teach you where to put your arms.

Anderson Cooper: Our next question comes from Daniel.

Daniel: Yeah. How do you respond to those who say you’re not gay in the right way?

[Cut to split screen. Pete Buttigieg at left and Daniel at right.]

Pete Buttigieg: You know, I’ve heard that. But there’s no wrong way to be gay. Unless you’re Ellen this week.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg and Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Any other questions?

Pete Buttigieg: And actually, Anderson, I have one . [Cut to Pete Buttigieg] Why am I not winning this? I’m a veteran, under the legal retirement age and when I talk it makes sense. Is something wrong with me.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg and Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: No- no. You’re great guy, just like, as a friend, not for president.

Pete Buttigieg: Oh, yeah. That makes sense. \
Anderson Cooper: Can I call you an Uber?

Pete Buttigieg: Oh no. I drove.

[Buttigieg leaves]

Anderson Cooper: Well, I hope you didn’t fill up on snacks, because now it’s time for the meat and potatoes.

[Cut to Billy Porter]

Billy Porter: Warrening – warrening— the sentator is here! She’s got a plan for the future! It’s Elizabeth Warren!

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren getting in to the stage]

Elizabeth Warren: Thank you, Billy. Thank you, Anderson. I am so excited to be here. I had some apples slices backstage and they’re hitting me like cocaine! You know, I am not a lesbian, but all the ingredients are there. Let’s go.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Anderson]

Anderson Cooper: Who would like to ask a question?

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: So, senator, let’s say you’ve been on the campaign trial.

[Cut to split screen. Elizabeth Warren at left and Beck Bennett at right]

Elizabeth Warren: Yeah, I have.

Beck Bennett: How would you respond if someone said to you, “I’m old-fashioned and my faith teaches me that marriage is between one man and one woman?”

Elizabeth Warren:  Look, well, I’m going to assume it’s a guy asking.

[Cut to Billy Porter]

Billy Porter: Oh, snap! The library is open, and you about to get read!

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: I would say, sir, tell me your bus stop, because I want to know where you get off. What else? What else? If someone doesn’t want to serve gay people at their small business I bet that’s not the only thing that’s small. And when people say, gay and in France, people shouldn’t be included in civil rights protections. Well, I wish their parents had used protection.

[Music starts palying and Elizabeth Warren starts dancing]

[Elizabeth Warren opens her wig while dancing. She is bald.]

[Cut to Billy Porter]

Billy Porter: Yea, yea! Work it out, work it out! And now from the house of urban deliciousness, it’s Julian Castro.

[Cut to Julian Castro walks to the stage and stands beside Anderson Cooper]

[Cheers and applause]

Julian Castro: So happy to be here, and look, I even got a participation ribbon. Now, come on. Cut to the chase. When do the ‘Queer eyes’ guys come out? I want to go rock climbing with Karamo.

Anderson Cooper: This isn’t “Queer Eye” senator.

Julian Castro: Actually it’s secretary.

Anderson Cooper: I wouldn’t tell people that. Okay, next question.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: My question is if elected what will you do to bring queer voices to your cabinet?

[Cut to Julian Castro]

Julian Castro: Well, first of all, gracias. As a democrat, I want to apologize for not being gay, but I promise to do better in the future. However, I am Latino, which we can all agree is something. Look, I’m young. I’m diverse. I’m Latinobama. Let’s get the hashtag going #latinobama. Please.

[Cut to Julian Castro and Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: All right. Anything else you’d like to say?

[Cut to Julian Castro]

Julian Castro: You know there was once another man who left his mark on this nation’s history, but he never became president. Hoe how so?

[Cut to Julian Castro and Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Really?

Julian Castro: Come on!

Anderson Cooper: Thank you, secretary.

Julian Castro: Remember to vote for me for vice president. I mean president.

[Cut to Billy Porter]

Billy Porter: Yes, yes, yes! And now, the Delaware daddy who’s only vice is the Choo Choo Train! It’s vice president Biden, y’all!

[Cut to Joe Biden walks in and stands beside Anderson]

[Cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: Hi, Anderson. Good to see you. I am so excited to be here.

Anderson Cooper: [Pushing Joe Biden slightly away from himself] Too close, Mr. Vice President. Too close. How are you tonight?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: I’m glad we’re doing this. The vast majority of people in America are not homophobic. They’re just scared of gay people.

[Cut to Joe Biden and Anderson]

Anderson Cooper: That’s what homophobic means, Joe.

Joe Biden: Look, you know me. I believe we’re all equal, whether you’re gay, lesbie, transgender or queer, you’re okay with Joe.

Anderson Cooper: I’m going to give you a second to reset and go to an audience question.

[Cut to split screen. Joe Biden at left and Bowen Yang at right]

Bowen Yang: Hi, Mr. Vice President.

Joe Biden: Oh, look at you. If I told you, you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Bowen Yang: Sure. Mr. Vice President, how can you defend your past support of don’t ask, don’t tell?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: I’m glad you asked that question and let me answer by telling you a false memory. Now, the year was 19 [thinking] 26, and I was in Downtown Dover with my father. And we see two very well dressed men, very well dressed men. You know what I mean by well dressed? [Cut to Joe Biden and Anderson] Right? Anyway, who’s nervous about this story? Show of hands.

[Cut to everybody raising their hands]

[Cut to Joe Biden and Anderson]

Anderson Cooper: We’re all nervous, Joe.

Joe Biden: Then I’ll keep going, [Cut to Joe Biden] and these men turned the corner and kissed. And I turned to my daddy and said, “What the huh?” And he said, “Baby, they were born this way.” And that was Delaware 19 Clickity Clack.

[Cut to Joe Biden and Anderson]

Anderson Cooper: Okay, Joe. Thank you for being here.

Joe Biden: And thank you for everyone that played tonight but we all know I’m your guy. So in closing, [Joe Biden walks close to Anderson] ever been kissed by a VP before? [Joe Biden kisses Anderson]

Anderson Cooper: I think we’re done here. And –

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Camila Cabello Easy (Live)

David Harbour

Camila Cabello

[Starts with David Harbour as announcer on SNL stage]

David Harbour: Once again, Camila Cabello.

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Camila Cabello on stage standing solo]

[Music playing]

Camilo Cabello: Ha-ha-ha-ha

You tell me that I’m complicated
And that might be an understatement
Anything else? (Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha)
You tell me that I’m indecisive
Fickle, but I try to hide it
Anything else? (Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha)

You tell me that I overthink
‘Til I ruin a good thing
Anything else? (Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha)

You tell me that you’d rather fight
Than spend a single peaceful night
With somebody else (Ha-ha-ha-ha)

You really, really know me
The future and the old me
All of the mazes and the madness in my mind
You really, really love me
You know me and you love me
And it’s the kind of thing I always hoped I’d find (yeah)

 Always thought I was hard to love
‘Til you made it seem so easy, seem so easy
Always thought I was hard to love
‘Til you made it seem so easy, seem so easy
Touch me ’til I find myself, in a feeling
Tell me with your hands that you’re never leaving

Always thought I was hard to love
‘Til you made it seem so easy (seem so easy)

I never liked my crooked teeth
You tell me they’re you’re favorite thing (mm-hmm)
Anything else? (Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha)
The stretch marks all around my thighs
Kiss ’em ’til I change my mind
About everything else (Ha-ha-ha-ha)

You really, really know me
The future and the old me
All of the mazes and the madness in my mind
You really, really love me
You know me and you love me (oh)
And it’s the kind of thing I always hoped I’d find

Always thought I was hard to love
‘Til you made it seem so easy, seem so easy (so easy, yeah)
Always thought I was hard to love (to love)
‘Til you made it seem so easy, seem so easy (so easy, yeah)
Touch me ’til I find myself, in a feeling (oh)
Tell me with your hands that you’re never leaving (never)
Always thought I was hard to love (to love)
‘Til you made it seem so easy, seem so easy (oh)

All I know is you, heal me when I’m broken
Heal me when I’m broken, oh
All I know is you, saved me and you know it
Saved me and you know it 

Always thought I was hard to love
‘Til you made it seem so easy, seem so easy (ah)
I always thought I was hard to love
‘Til you made it seem so easy, seem so easy (’til you made it, ’til you made it)
Touch me ’til I find myself, in a feeling (a feeling)
Tell me with your hands that you’re never leaving
Always thought I was hard to love
‘Til you made it seem so easy, seem so easy

Camila Cabello Cry for Me (Live)

David Harbour

Camila Cabello

[Starts with David Harbour as announcer on SNL stage]

David Harbour: Ladies and gentlemen, Camila Cabello.

[Cheers and applause]

[Music playing]

[Cut to a stage with Camila Cabello and few other women sitting on a chair wearing traditional dresses.]

Camilo Cabello: Mmm, yeah

[A man walks and takes a seat next to a woman in front of Camilo Cabello]

Yeah, and you look so happy walking down the street
Don’t you, babe?

Did you forget, you said that in this lifetime you can never get over me?
Are you over me?

When I said I hope you’re happy, didn’t mean it
Never thought you’d be so good at moving on
When I’m lying wide awake, you’re probably sleeping
And maybe what I’m thinking is wrong

[Other women pulls the woman in front of Camilo Cabello away from the man. Camila stands on her chair and sings to the man.]

I want you to cry for me, cry for me
Say you’d d-d-die for me, die for me
And if you can’t, then maybe, lie for me, lie for me (huh)
‘Cause you haunt me when I’m dreamin’
And it’s time you know the feeling
So cry for me

See that pretty life in pictures (huh)
See her lips erasing me (ooh)
You’re so good to her, it’s vicious
Yeah, she should be thanking me

Who, who’s gonna touch you like me?
Yeah, tell me, who?
Who can make you forget about me?

When I said I hope you’re happy, didn’t mean it
Never thought you’d be so good at moving on (on, on)
When I’m lying wide awake, you’re probably sleeping (sleeping)
And maybe what I’m thinking is wrong

I want you to cry for me, cry for me
Say you’d d-d-die for me, die for me
And if you can’t, then maybe, lie for me, lie for me
‘Cause you haunt me when I’m dreamin’
And it’s time you know the feeling

So, baby, won’t you cry for me, cry for me? (Cry)
Say you’d d-d-die for me, die for me (oh, won’t you cry?)
And if you can’t, then maybe, lie for me, lie for me
‘Cause you haunt me when I’m dreamin’
And it’s time you know the feeling
Why won’t you cry?
Tears in my eyes, yeah
And you’re okay, you’re okay
How can you be okay?
No, why won’t you cry?

I want you to cry for me, cry for me (oh, yeah)
Say you’d d-d-die for me, die for me
And if you can’t, then maybe, lie for me, lie for me
‘Cause you haunt me when I’m dreamin’ (haunt me when I’m dreamin’)
And it’s time you know the feeling (and it’s time you know the feeling)
So, baby, won’t you cry for me, cry for me? (Cry out, yeah)
Say you’d d-d-die for me, die for me (cry out, yeah)
And if you can’t, then maybe, lie for me, lie for me
‘Cause you haunt me when I’m dreamin’
And it’s time you know the feeling (oh, baby)
So cry for me

Cry for me

[Music stops]

[Cheers and applause]

Weekend Update Trump Brushes Off Impeachment Concerns

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che. I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: As impeachment gains momentum, president Trump said he may stop referring to the media as ‘Fake News’. And start calling them ‘Corrupt news’. And the media says they may stop referring to him as ‘President Trump’ and start calling him former president Trump.

[Cheers and applause]

Trump has brushed off any concern about impeachment saying, “I’m used to it. It’s like putting on a suit.” Meaning it’s a massive daily struggle that takes up most of his mornings. This week we also started seeing evidence of the white house covering up the Ukraine scandal, like one not all suspicious text that said, “There were no quid pro quos of any kind.” Unfortunately the next text was the wink emoji, cash emoji, crazy wink emoji and then the Guiliani emoji.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump keeps saying there was no quid pro quo, which can only mean there was mad quid pro quo. Whenever a guy with like a 30 word vocabulary starts quoting the law in Latin it’s because breaks the law all the time. That’s only something you can learn the hard way. There’s guys that can barely count but can somehow tell you exactly how much cocaine you can get caught with before it’s considered trafficking. That’s three grams, by the way.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Then Trump publicly asked China to investigate Joe Biden, because apparently Trump thinks that’s what presidents should do.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump speaking]

Donald Trump: This was not about politics. This is about corruption. And if you look and you read our constitution and many other things, we—I have an obligation to look at corruption. I have an actual obligation and a duty.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: First of all, you’re screaming. Just a thought, maybe don’t hold all your press conferences next to an active helicopter. Also you’re going after Joe Biden for corruption? I mean, the guy lives in Delaware. He still takes a train to work every day. If he’s stealing billions of dollars, he’s waiting a long time to spend it.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump hasn’t been handling this impeachment news well. He’s been on a twitter rampage. He’s openly called for China to investigate Joe Biden. It also came out that Trump suggested adding a moat filled with alligators and snakes to his proposed border wall. I don’t know how to say this, but are we sure that it’s okay to make fun of this guy? Did you ever read “Of mice and men”? Remember how Lenny was really strong? What if Trump is really strong? I’ve got a cousin who is also very strong. He loves Alligators too. But we don’t make fun of him. Trump tweeted 800 times in the past month. For context, Crissy Teigen tweeted 218 times. Now obviously I feel like the president should be a lot busier than Crissy Teigen. But if Trump is as strong as I think he is, then good job, big bella.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Nickelback meme at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Twitter removed an anti-Joe Biden Nickelback meme that was posted by the president.

Michael Che: See, he’s strong.

Colin Jost:  Which is a sentence that if you had said it at any other time in history, would have meant that you were in the middle of a stroke. I also want to point out that Nickelback is Canadian. So Trump was still technically using foreigners to go after Joe Biden.

[The picture changes to Bernie Sanders] In the third quarter of this year, Bernie Sanders raised $25 million and then did what any 78-year-old would do after winning $25 million, he had a heart attack.

Weekend Update Supercentenarian Mort Fellner Returns

Mort Felder … Mikey Day

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: American votes over 700 super centenarians, that’s people over 110 years old and many are making headlines. Here with the super centenarian news is here is Mort Felder.

[Mort Felder slides in]

Mort Felder: Yes, thank you. Hello, Colin. [Cut to Mort Felder and Colin Jost] My wife says you look like a young Errol Flynn.

Colin Jost: Great. So you got some news stories for us, Mort?

Mort Felder: You bet. Here are some of the super things America’s super centenarians are up to.

[Cut to Mort Felder]

Last week, 114 year-old Howard Donahue finally achieved his lifelong dream of experiencing the warm waters of Hawaii.

[Cut to Mort Felder and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, well that’s fun.
Mort Felder: His ashes were spread near the coast on Sunday. He will be missed.

Colin Jost: That’s not where I thought that story was going, Mort.

Mort Felder: Well, yeah. [Cut to Mort Felder] How about 111-year-old Jan Butler, who because the oldest living person to take the bar exam last month. And she passed–

[Cut to Mort Felder and Colin jost]

Colin Jost: Go, Jan!

Mort Felder: –away, moments after completing the task. Rest in peace, Jan.

Colin Jost: Okay, well it’s still a great accomplishment for her.

Mort Felder: Yes, it is. Colin, guess who, 115-year-old Clint Eastwood super fan Eda Kerns finally met?

Colin Jost: Clint Eastwood?

[Cut to Mort Felder]

Mort Felder: Her maker. Eda passed peacefully in her home on Thursday.

[Cut to Mort Felder and Colin]

Colin Jost: Are there any stories with happier endings, Mort?

Mort Felder: Yeah. How about some Showbiz News?

Colin Jost: Love it, great.

Mort Felder: All right. [Cut to Mort Felder] 116-year-old Paul Douglas did his first standup comedy set at the Temple Improv on Friday.

[Cut to Mort Felder and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Hey, that’s good for Paul.

Mort Felder: Yes, he did a very energetic 45-minute set and absolutely destroyed–

Colin Jost: Nice.

[Cut to Mort Felder]

Mort Felder: –his fragile immune system in the process and passed shortly thereafter. I’m just reporting the news. R.I.P, Paul.

Colin Jost: That’s too bad. [Cut to Mort Felder and Colin Jost] I was really excited about that one.

Mort Felder: Hey, time for sports news. Colin, do you like baseball?

Colin Jost: I’m afraid to say, but yes, I do.

[Cut to Mort Felder]

Mort Felder: You do? Well, not as much as Joe Feeney who on Sunday joined the Angels.

[Cut to Mort Felder and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, no.

Mort Felder: No, the Angels baseball team.

Colin Jost: Oh, okay.
Mort Felder: In Anaheim, who honored Joe’s five decades of fandom. He even threw out the first pitch. And the umpire called–

[Cut to Mort Felder and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: A strike?

Mort Felder: 911 when he collapsed on the mound. But Joe remains alive and well.

Colin Jost: Yay! Hi, Joe.

Mort Felder: In our hearts. As he died en route to the hospital.

Colin Jost: Thank you, Mort. Mort Felder with the super centenarian news. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.