2019 Archives - Page 13 of 36 - SNL Transcripts Tonight

Chance the Rapper Monologue

Chance the Rapper

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Band is playing music on the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Change the Rapper.

[Chance the Rapper enters the door and walks to the stage]

[Cheers and applause]

Chance the Rapper: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I’m Chance the Rapper and it is so great to be back here at SNL. If you don’t remember the last time I was here, I gave $1 million to Chicago public schools. [Cheers and applause] And I’m happy to say, it completely fixed everything. No, honestly, to the teachers in Chicago, I know you guys are on strike right now, I fully support you. [Cheers and applause] I just wish that when I was in school, my teachers had gone on a strike. Like, for real, though. But it’s great to be back and to honor my hometown, I’m going to do a song about Chicago, the second city.

[Music playing]

Okay, okay, here we go.

Now, I love Chicago, the city that fathered me,
called the second city, but that doesn’t bother me
I’ve gotta tell you I think it’s the reverse
‘cos sometimes the second best is better than the first
sometimes the second best is better than the first
Like, I don’t like Google, I use Bing
I like French fries from Burger King
when it comes to Harry Potter people give me grief
because I prefer Percy Jackson lightning thief
I only drink Pepsi never Coca-cola
Jimmy Kimmel is fine but I love Adam Corolla
and Robin Gibb is my favorite bee gee
I hate Mario, love Luigi
because I’m the kind of guy that likes the second best better
I’m the kind of guy that likes the second best one
I like DMC better than RUN
‘cos I’m the kind of guy that likes the second best one

[Kyle Mooney walks in]

Hey, Kyle Mooney!

[Cheers and applause]

Kyle Mooney: Hey, Chance. I was just listening to your song and I can totally relate. You see, I’m from San Diego, sort of the second city of southern California.

Chance the Rapper: Do people call it that?

Kyle Mooney: They do, yeah, all the time.

Chance the Rapper: Because I’ve never heard anyone call it that.

Kyle Mooney: Well, they do, okay? Now, let me rap.

Chance the Rapper: Okay.

Kyle Mooney: Here we go. Kyle Mooney rapping.

Now me and Chance we live that thug life
because we like antz more than bug’s life

Chance the Rapper: Sense and sensibility was better than pride and prejudice
never had Nintendo but I rocked a Sega Genesis

Kyle Mooney: You know I like Scrappy more than Scooby-Doo.
I don’t like Chili’s but I love Chili’s too

Chance the Rapper: I like the clippers the nets and my white SOX
I don’t have Netflix, I like Redbox

Kyle Mooney: I use DHL for my overnight shipping

Chance the Rapper: My favorite bulls player is Scottie Pippin

Kyle Mooney: I like Hanukkahs better than Christmases

I don’t love Islands but I love Isthumuses

Chance the Rapper: What’s an Isthmuse?

Kyle Mooney: It’s a narrow strip of land connecting two bigger pieces of lands.

Chance the Rapper: And that’s second best to islands?

Kyle Mooney: For the purposes of the song. Yes, just keep going, okay?

Chance the Rapper: Okay.

Instead of Starbucks you know what I do
I go to Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf or Caribou

Kyle Mooney: Lunchtime I don’t have to think it over
I skip Chipotle and head to QDOBA

Chance the Rapper: Some people like Mace more than Puffy
I like the show Angel better than Buffy

Kyle Mooney: My favorite show about 90’s teens
wasn’t Saved by the Bell it was California Dream

I was wondering, do you think I could be on your next album?

Chance the Rapper: No.

Kyle Mooney: That made sense, all right. Take it away.

[Kyle Mooney leaves the stage]

Chance the Rapper: Okay. Here we go. Big-time.

Yeah, I’m the kind of guy that likes the second best best.

I think Chicago is better than the rest

I take seconds at dinner and second glances

I believe in second chances

I love my wife and my family is true

A month ago we welcomed daughter number two

Now I’m in New York, it’s great to be alive

I’m back for the second time hosting “Saturday Night Live”.

We got a great show for you tonight. I am here so stick around and we’ll be right back!

Chance the Rapper Handsome (Live)

Jason Momoa
Chance the Rapper
[Starts with Jason Momoa announcing on SNL stage]
Jason Momoa: Once again, Chance the Rapper.
[Cheers and applause]
[Chance the Rapper is on stage]
[Music playing]
Chance the Rapper: SNL, make some noise.
[Cheers and applause]
Baby, I look good, I look handsome
Somebody gon’ take me for ransom
Everybody ’round me was dancin’
And nobody ’round me could have none
Baby, you look good, you look pretty
I know why you stopped — with me
It’s a lot of bomb in the city
But you know nobody could get (Huh)
It’s a hottie, it’s a body, we ain’t missin’ no meals
I ride shotty, she like five-some but six in them heels
I’m a Ducati, you gonna do 90 down 290, huh?
Know where you goin’, know where to find me, know where to find me, huh?
Big thumb, rotisserie
Big tongue make it slippery
I give you a sec’ I’ll let you shake it out
Now, let’s run it back, this time don’t make a sound
Make it walk
Climb up to the top and do a split and make it drop
You lookin’ naked, lookin’ pregnant, anything you make it pop
You out here bakin’, hot like Megan on my bacon when it pop
Baby, you look good, you look gorgeous
This right here your city, I’m a tourist
I know I’m a catch, I’m a swordfish
Got me on your hook, on your chorus
Baby, I look good, I look handsome
Somebody gon’ take me for ransom
Everybody ’round me was dancin’
And nobody ’round me could have none
Baby, you look good, you look pretty
I know why you stopped — with me
It’s a lot of bomb in the city
The one and only Megan Thee Stallion, baby!
We don’t know, known across the globe
from my player ways and my skimpy clothes
Houston hottie with a model body
I’m a bust it open like a centerfold
Bad bitch with a lot of options (yeah)
Half of me is really hard to top it (hey)
She don’t suck it sloppy, she don’t like to ride it
She don’t lick the balls, she ain’t really wifey, ah
All that talking shit, you know that excite me
And I know that mean you love me when you tell me you don’t like me
And I know you need some — when you argue and we fightin’
Don’t you put them in our business, if we beefin’ keep it private, huh
Baby, you look good, you look handsome
Rich — put that — for some ransom
Before I let you go, I had to have some
Rich chick so you know I got my bands up
Baby, I look good, I look handsome
Somebody gon’ take me for ransom
Everybody ’round me was dancin’
And nobody ’round me could have none
Baby, you look good, you look pretty
I know why you stopped — with me
It’s a lot of bomb in the city
But you know nobody could get
[Music stops]
[Cheers and applause]

Weekend Update Trump Loses Five Court Cases in One Day

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s “Weekend Update” With Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update”. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

According to a Fox News poll 51% of Americans support impeaching president Trump. You know it’s bad because Fox News barely talks about their own poll. I saw the poll all over MSNBC, when I flipped over to Fox News they were decorating cakes. Meanwhile, CNN I saw this headline. “Trump loses five court cases in one day distancing himself from Giuliani” and then I couldn’t read anymore. It’s never good and there’s so much bad news, CNN has to switch to a smaller font to fit it all. And it’s definitely about to get worse for Trump [Picture changes to Guiliani’s associates Igor Fruman and Lev Parnas] because of these two shreks. Two Soviet born associates of Rudy Giuliani, Igor Fruman and Lev Parnas who were somehow not killed by John Wick, were arrested in Dulles airport in Washington for allegedly funneling Russian money to the Trump campaign, which as you might have guessed is very illegal. [Picture changes to Donald Trump]And before Trump says, “I don’t even know these guys”, here’s a quick slide show put together.

[Cut to slideshow of pictures of Donald trump, Igor Fruman and Lev Parnas]

[Music playing]

The boys are back in town the boys are back in town

I said the boys are back in town God,

[Cut to Colin Jost]

They photograph well. Giuliani’s two associates are also very successful entrepreneurs. Igor, the handsome one, owns a club in Ukraine that’s called Mafia Rave, which I think counts as a full confession. And then Lev, the shy one, I swear to you owns a security business called, I swear to you, Fraud Guarantee. So, my guarantee is Trump is about to lose court case number six.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is picture of Igor Fruman and Lev Parnas at right top corner.]

Michael Che: First of all, bravo to the casting agency that found these two thumb breakers. They look like they use vodka as cologne. These guys have definitely worn track suits to their daughter’s wedding. I know these are easy jokes but I’m just surprised these guys were helping the president and not, I don’t know, helping George Costanza get a frogger machine across the street.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And, how is Trump handling this impeachment? Well, I would say not great based on what he did at his emotional support rally on Thursday. This is an actual headline about the rally. “Trump appears to do impression of FBI agents having sex.” I thought ,”Well, that’s got to be an exaggeration, right?” Then I saw the clip.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: I love you, Peter. I love you, too, Lisa. Lisa, I—Lisa, Lisa, oh, god. I love you, Lisa.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: First of all, he’s killing. Like, the audience loves it. I’m actually jealous. The rally was like “Showtime at the Apollo” except, you know. Opposite. Also, the crowd is laughing along like they have any idea who these FBI agents are. I bet Trump’s impression of those two agents are about as accurate as my impression of Pete Buttigieg.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is picture of White House at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Democrats are calling president Trump’s behavior unconstitutional to which Trump responded, [Picture changes to Donald Trump] “You’re right. I had no idea. And I’m sorry.” I’m just kidding. You know that ain’t right. Do you think after the whole impeachment thing is over we can just take a year off from presidents? Just to clear our heads a little. You know, not rush into someone else horrible? Right now my standards are so low, [Picture changes to Bernie Sanders] I saw Bernie Sanders have a heart attack and I was like, “Maybe him! He seems tough.” I mean we can afford a break. Right? As a country. Why don’t we take some of that old free cotton money and coast for a year until we get our groove back?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Trump–

Michael Che: [Laughing] Can’t say cotton money on NBC.

Colin Jost: [Laughing] Trump then explained withdrawing troops from Northern Syria saying that we didn’t need to defend our Kurdish allies because “They didn’t help us in World War II.” But with World War II, it’s kind of hard to know who Trump means by ‘Us’. In other foreign news, after being asked about the wife of the US diplomat in Britain striking and killing a teenager while driving on the wrong side of the road, president Trump said this.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: And the woman was driving on the wrong side of the road and that can happen. Those are the opposite roads. It happens. I won’t say it ever happened to me, but it did.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, it did happen to you? I’m not sure what’s crazier, that the president straight up admitted to vehicular manslaughter on live TV? Or that he is pretending that he ever drove a car?

[Cut to Michael Che. There is picture of CNN logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: CNN held an equality town hall with nine of the democratic presidential candidates answering questions about their views on LGBTQ issues. And I thought it was really cool. [Picture changes to Pete Buttigieg] Mayor Pete did exceptionally well. I’ve heard people ask him, “Is America ready to have their first gay president?” But there’s no way we haven’t already our first gay president. We’ve picked 45 guys in a row. The better question is, which one? My guess is Abraham Lincoln. What? He got shot at the theater. That’s a pretty gay way to go. I bet John Wilkes Booth was like, “I know where that bitch is. He’s probably watching “Kinky Boots” again.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump and Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Joe Biden—Joe Biden for the first time called for president Trump to be impeached and removed for office after he finally realized that the Joe Biden Trump keeps attacking was him.

Weekend Update Pete Davidson on Sexually Transmitted Diseases

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: According to the CDC, cases of the sexually transmitted diseases as chlamydia, syphilis and gonorrhea are all at all-time highs because of dating apps. With more on this obviously is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

Pete Davidson: Thank you very much. Hello. Yes. Thank you. Undeserved, all of this. Yeah, I don’t—I don’t really see the problem.

Colin Jost: What do you mean, Pete?

Pete Davidson: I don’t see the problem, Colin. These are all things you can cure with a shot. I don’t know how this is even news, really.

[Cut to Pete Davidson] I understand, you know, people can be worried about STDs. I get tested all the time because I look like I have all of them. Yeah, and I might have created my own, but every single time I pray I only get the ones you just mentioned because you can just take a pill and keep rolling the dice. You know? The flu can last like a month, but syphilis, it’s like four days. Bring it on.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]
The flu is like our syphilises.

Colin Jost: Well, I guess that’s a really optimistic way of looking at it.

Pete Davidson: It’s the only way, Colin. No. So, I reckon a number of people have curable STDs.

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

You know what I hear, way to go science. All right? There’s already a cure? We don’t even need to have a race for it? Like, I read online dating is actually like desegregating American online. Like helping. Way more people are dating outside their race and their social class and religion. You’re going to risk all that ethnic harmony to stop a few busted pipes from dripping? I don’t think that’s fair.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Pete!

Pete Davidson: What? Fine. Penis. You child. No, they don’t let us say any of the fun words. You think busted pipes dripping was my first choice?

Colin Jost: I’m worried you may be giving people bad advice.

Pete Davidson: Definitely. [Cut to Pete Davidson] But obviously, it’s a bad thing all of these diseases are back after so many years. Gonorrhea. Does everything in my generation have to be a reboot? Like, the clap and Rambo came back in the same year. And neither of them were wanted. That guy’s like, green. Anyway, crazy. Sorry to get a little off topic. So, no. Don’t get me wrong. I’m saying to people you should wear you know, wear a condom, but since you won’t, you know—call your doctor and get antibiotics. That’s all.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s all you wanted to say?

Pete Davidson: Yes. It really is. You know? So I did hear your little joke about me last week. Your gentle little ribbing calling me that guy who lost his car at a music festival for a week, which I looked up, it was not me. And by the way, Colin, I don’t know if you’ve seen “The Joker” but I think you should start being way nicer to me.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone.

Pete Davidson: I’m serious.

Colin Jost: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update Catholic Church Debates Celibacy Requirement for Priests

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of college athletes at left top corner]

Colin Jost: California has passed a new law that will allow college athletes to earn money from the use of their name and likeness. This is great news for top California college athletes like Aunt Becky’s daughter. [Laughter]

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a TV channel on right top corner.]

Michael Che: The owner of the Jacksonville Jaguars announced that he will be a majority investor in a new 24-hour news network aimed at African-American viewers. Unfortunately they’ve named it CNN-World. You’re laughing a little too hard there, buddy. The senate is criticized for failing to enact a proposed ban of realistic sex dolls that looks like children. Unfortunately while researching this story I googled realistic sex dolls that look like that on my work computer and now I’ve got to go away for a while.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a satellite at right top corner]

Colin Jost: Astronauts on the international space session successfully created meat using a 3D printer. And after eating, they created a fourth-D, diarrhea.

[The picture changes to a news article and a picture of an alligator]

A Florida man arrested after catching an alligator and tried to get it drunk. Worse, the man calls himself crocodile cause B.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of chicken nuggets on right top corner.]

Michael Che: A British woman was vegan called the police on her friends after she claimed they tricked her into eating chicken nuggets by saying they were plant based. She knew she’d been tricked when the nuggets tasted good.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of gathering of bishops at right top corner]

Colin Jost: As a gathering of bishops, pope Francis suggested the Vatican may consider dropping Celibacy requirements for some priests. Then he rushed back to the mic adding, “With adult women”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a pink bicycle on right top corner.]

Michael Che: Florida police arrested the woman who was riding her bike with a glass pipe hidden in her buttocks. They were able to catch up to her after she turned on to a very bumpy road.

Weekend Update Bailey Gismert on Fall 2019 Movies

Bailey Kizmer… Heidi Gardner

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: Fall movies have brought both box office hits and Oscar buzz. Here to talk about the hottest films hitting theaters this season is teen movie critic and star of her very own youtube channel, Bailey at the movies, please welcome Bailey Kizmer.

[Bailey Kizmer slides in]

[Cheers and applause]

Bailey Kizmer: What’s up?

Michael Che: Well, hi, Bailey. It’s very nice to see you.

Bailey Kizmer: Hmm. So official. Reporting for duty, Mr. Che.

Michael Che: Okay, Bailey. How was your summer? Let’s start there.

Bailey Kizmer: Oh, well. I got thrown into the pool by everyone of my guy friends. I mean, I guess it’s because I’m like, light? I don’t know.

Michael Che: All right, Bailey, so what movies have you seen recently?

[Cut to Bailey Kizmer]

Bailey Kizmer: Okay. So, I saw “IT Chapter Two”. And I don’t know, like, ooh. Awkward! It was like, Pennywise was so keep hanging out with the same kids? You’re a dusty ass clown. Awkward!