Tag: Heidi Gardner

First Impression | Season 44 Episode 8

Daughter/Melissa… Melissa Villaseñor

Michael… Beck Bennett

Mom… Heidi Gardner

Dad… Jason Momoa

[Starts with a decorated Christmas tree. Melissa is setting dining table for family dinner and she is talking to her boyfriend. He is going to meet her parents for the first time]

Melissa: You’re wearing your new shirt!

Michael: Yeah. Does it look okay?

Melissa: You look great, sweetie.

Michael: All right. I’m really nervous to meet your parents, you know? I don’t want to look stupid.

Melissa: Oh, they’re going to love you.

Michael: Okay. All right, [Cut to Michael and Melissa] I just really want to impress them.

Melissa: [Doorbell ringing] That’s them. [Melissa goes to open the door. Michael is preparing himself.]

[Melissa opens the door]

Melissa: Hey!

Mom: Hey, sweetie!

Melissa: Hi, mom. [Melissa hugs her mom]

Dad: Come here. [Melissa hugs her dad]

Melissa: Hi. Mom, dad, this is Michael. [Cut to the hall and nobody is there] That’s weird. He was here just a second ago.

Dad: [Cut to dad] Well, we can’t wait to meet him.

Melissa: Michael! Honey? [Cut to everybody]

Michael: [In a child’s voice] I bet you can’t find me.

Melissa: What?

Mom: Was that him?

Dad: What did he say?

Michael: Come find me. I’m hiding. [Everybody is confused] Hee-hee-hee.

Melissa: Michael, stop it! Okay, come out here and meet my parents.

Michael: Hee-hee-hee. Where am I?

Mom: Honey, what’s going on?

Melissa: I think he’s just nervous. [Cut to everybody] He really wants to impress you.

Mom: Why would that impress us?

Dad: Does he hide a lot?

Melissa: No, he’s never done this before.

Michael: I bet you can’t find me!

Dad: [Cut to dad, he walks forward] Oh, I bet I can! [Cut to dad walks upstairs]

Melissa: Dad, what are you doing?

Dad: I’m going to find this guy.

Michael: You’re very cold.

Dad: Make it fair, give us a clue.

Michael: Don’t you want to see what I look like? Hee-hee-hee.

Dad: Son of a bitch. [Dad is excited] Yes! I got to find this guy if I want to see what he looks like. [Melissa and mom follow dad]

Michael: Follow the little gay elf. Hee-hee-hee! You’re not very good at finding.

Dad: [Dad enters a room] He’s in the closet! [Dad opens the closet] Where is this turd?

Melissa: Dad!

Michael: Haha. You’re getting warmer.

Dad: Oh, he’s under the bed! I got you now! [Throws away the bed. Melissa and Mom are scared] Damn it.

Michael: Not there. Hee-hee-hee.

Dad: It’s coming from the walls. [Dad listens close to the walls]

Mom: [Cut to Melissa and mom] He’s not in the walls! [Dad starts punching holes in the wall]

Melissa: Dad, what are you doing?

Dad: I’m trying to find the damn guy! Gotcha! [Pulls a doll hand out of the wall. The hand has a recorder from where Michael’s voice was playing]

Michael: I guess you don’t want to see what I look like! [Dad breaks the recorder]

Dad: You know I do!

Michael: Then follow my voice. Hee-hee-hee-hee.

Dad: Oh, I got you now. [Opens a door in a room. A pie falls on the ground from the door] Fooled again!

Michael: Sound like someone’s got pie in the face.

Melissa: [Cut to Melissa]No, they don’t.

Mom: [Cut to Mom] Honey, this is insane.

Dad: [Cut to dad] You’re right, this is too hard. Give us another clue.

Michael: Hee-hee-hee. You see, I might be where you watch TV.

Dad: In the TV! Oh, crap, I gave it away! [Dad rushes down the stairs] I got him!

Michael: [Cut to the TV cupboard. Michael is behind the Cupboard stuck. He is waving his hand out to call everyone] Help me! Help! I’m stuck! What tool you so long? Help me, I’m stuck!

Melissa: [Cut to Melissa and mom] Michael, where are your clothes?

Michael: I couldn’t fit [Cut to Michael] back here with that new shirt on! [Dad pulls out Michael. Michael has grease over his body]

Melissa: [Cut to Melissa] Did you grease your body?

Michael: Just my face [Cut to Michael panicking] and my chest. I couldn’t fit back there. This whole [Cut to Michael and dad] plan is not working at all.

Melissa: [[Cut to Melissa] What’s your plan?

Michael: [Cut to Michael] To look cool in front of your parents. [Cut to Dad looking at Michael] Look at what love made me do babe. [Cut to Michael] Please to meet you, Mr. Charles, Mrs. Charles. I hope my hiding thing wasn’t too stupid and I’m sorry if I ruined your clothes with my pie trap.

Mom: [Cut to mom and Melissa] You didn’t.

Michael: Crap. Look, [Cut to Michael] you just told me how great they were and I just really wanted to impress them. I didn’t want to be a loser. I didn’t want to be [quoting with his hands] “That guy”.

Dad: [Cut to dad. Quoting with his hands] “That guy”. I love that. I say that too. [Cut to Michael. He gets happy.] [Cut to Melissa and mom. Melissa is also happy] I like you for my Melissa. A lot.

Michael: [Cut to Michael] I do too, sir. Yes, thank you, sir. Very good, sir.

Dad: [Cut to dad. He removes his glasses to see Michael] Let me see how handsome you are. [Michael flexes his body] That’s very nice. Good. [Michael turns around] There. Very handsome. Very good. I don’t know, [Michael stretches] he looks good. I like that. Very, very good. Very handsome. Very nice.

Michael: Merry Christmas everyone.

An Extra Christmas Carol | Season 44 Episode 8

Ebenezer Scrooge… Mikey Day

Extra Spirit … Jason Momoa

Mr. Crutchett… Beck Bennett

Mrs. Crutchett… Heidi Gardner

Tiny… Kate McKinnon

[Opens a story book and narrators starts telling the Christmas story]

Narrator: And so Mr. Scrooge was shown the errors of his ways by three spirits, the ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future. The following morning he was a changed man.

[Cut to Scrooge sleeping on his bed. Mrs. Dilber comes in from the door with morning tea for Scrooge]

Ebenezer Scrooge: Tell me what day it is Mrs. Dilber?

Mrs. Dilber: Why, it’s Christmas day sir.

Ebenezer Scrooge: Then I haven’t missed it.

Mrs. Dilber: Are you quite yourself sir?

Ebenezer Scrooge: I hope not! It’s Christmas Day! [Scrooge goes to the window] Merry [Cut to Scrooge shouting out of the window] Christmas, Everyone! [Spirit with Christmas coat on comes in from the door with smokes and clouds]

Extra Spirit: Christmas tidings Scrooge.

Ebenezer Scrooge: [Cut to Scrooge shocked] Who are you?

Extra Spirit: [Cut to spirit walking in] I’m a spirit, Ebenezer.

Ebenezer Scrooge: [Cut to Spirit and Scrooge] Marley told me there were only to be three spirits. Are you some sort of extra spirit?

Extra Spirit: Exactly, I’m so much more extra!

Ebenezer Scrooge: [Cut to Scrooge confused] I have seen my past, present and future. What is left for you to show me?

Extra Spirit: [Cut to Spirit and Scrooge] Maybe this. Watch. [Spirit gets behind the bed curtains and starts dancing flirty and feminine.]

Ebenezer Scrooge: [Cut to Scrooge] Okay. The other ghosts helped me to transform from a stingy miser into a giving, loving man. What lesson did I gain from that?

Extra Spirit: [Cut to Spirit] Seriously? You should be like, “Boy, why are you so extra?”

Ebenezer Scrooge: [Cut to Scrooge] I mean, I had a long night so maybe that’s why I’m not getting it?

Extra Spirit: [Cut to Spirit and Scrooge] It’s fine. I think I know what you need. [Spirits opens his Christmas coat and inside he I wearing glowing shiny tiny cape. Spirit starts stripping flirty and feminine] So?

Ebenezer Scrooge: Are you sure you have the right address?

Extra Spirit: Oh, come on! [Cut to Spirit] I’m being very extra for you and you’re not getting it.

Ebenezer Scrooge: [Cut to Scrooge] You took off a cape and had another cape on underneath. What’s to get?

Extra Spirit: [Cut to Spirit] It’s called a reveal, you fat head.

[Cut to Spirit and Scrooge. Mrs. Dilber comes in with other three people]

Mrs. Dilber: Mr. Scrooge, the Crutchette family are here.

Extra Spirit: Don’t worry. They won’t see me. I’m a ghost.

Ebenezer Scrooge: Oh, my good fella, come in. Happy Christmas.

Mr. Crutchett: Happy Christmas. What’s gotten into Mr. Scrooge?

Ebenezer Scrooge: Bob, I want to give you something. This is your Christmas bonus.

Mrs. Crutchett: [Cut to three Crutchette family] Bonus? How incredibly kind of you.

Mr. Crutchett: Thank Mr. Scrooge, Tiny.

Tiny: Thank you Mr. Scrooge. If I’m not so bold to ask, who is this well built ghost who’s been so extra?

Extra Spirit: [Cut to Spirit and Scrooge] Thank you! See, Tiny Tim gets it.

Ebenezer Scrooge: So they can see you?

Extra Spirit: Yeah, I guess so.

Tiny: [Cut to three Crutchette family] You’re always as extra as Christmas itself, with all it’s Tinsel and Goose dinners.

Extra Spirit: [Cut to Tiny, Spirit and Scrooge] You know what? Let me give it one last try because I think Scrooge might almost be there.

[Spirit throws away his pants and inside he’s wearing shiny underwear. Spirit starts stripping flirty and feminine]

[Tiny walks up front, throws his crutch and starts dancing]

Mr. Crutchett: Tiny, you can walk!

Tiny: Now, give me that bonus money! There’s something I need to do! Yes!

Extra Spirit: Twerk with me, Tiny Tim! Twerk with my Scrooge!

Ebenezer Scrooge: Oh, yes, I see it now. Yes!

[Cut to the story book. The book ends]

Netflix Commercial | Season 44 Episode 7

Ruth… Kate McKinnon

Heidi Gardner

Mikey Day

Claire Foy

Chris Redd

Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

[NETFLIX commercial playing]

Narrator: This holiday season give the gift of NETFLIX and enjoy streaming shows like [Cut to small clip from Stranger Things, The Crown and Making a Murderer] “Stranger Things,” “The Crown,” and “Making a Murder.” And in 2019 we’ll have even more programming to choose from because we’ve gone crazy! That’s right. [Showing thumbnails of many series in NETFLIX interface] We’re spending billions of dollars and making every show in the world. Our goal is the endless scroll. By the time you reach the bottom of our menu, there’s new shows at the top. And thus the singularity will be achieved. How we doing it? Simple. We buy everything. Here’s a look at one of our actual pitch meetings.

Heidi Gardner: [Cut to Heidi in NETFLIX office giving presentation of her show] So this show is about a girl named Jimmy.

Mikey Day: [Cut to Mikey Day with a pile of money on his desk accepting Heidi Gardner’s show]Yes, here’s money. Go, make it.[Throwing money at Heidi]

Narrator: We’re even buying stuff from ourselves. We love [Cut to clips from movie, The Crown] Claire Foy as Queen Elizabeth so much, we’re sending her back to high school.

Claire Foy: [Claire Foy in high school] I’m in over my crown!

Narrator: It’s “Saved By The Crown.” We’ve got so many shows. Even we haven’t seen them all. Like “Kenny Meat Depot.” It’s been on for three seasons, and only one woman watches it.

Ruth: Hello. I’m Ruth, and I love “Kenny Meat Depot.”

Mikey Day: Thanks, Ruth.

Narrator: And hey. We still got movies, thousands of them — 12 of which you want to watch.

Mikey Day: We even made all the fake movies from “Entourage.”

Narrator: Betty Ian and Queen’s Boulevard. And we got reboots. Like our dark take on “Sabrina,” then you’ll love our “Greedy Family Matters” reboot.

Officer Winslow.

Chris Redd: Oh, la la my pet. [Kenan is drinking liquor from the bottle. He looks at Christ Redd] I love you.

[Kenan points a gun on Chris’ head]

Kenan Thompson: Get the fuck out of my house!

[Chris runs out of the house. Kenan shoots on the ceiling of his house]

Why did I do that?

Narrator: But don’t worry, we also got that comedy, like comedians in cars getting coffee or Leslie Jones in a van getting batteries.

Leslie Jones: [Leslie speaking out of her van’s window] Let’s go get some DURACELL. [Leslie is driving. She hits something] Oh, man, I think I hit that dude on the bike! [Leslie is driving away from the cops]

Narrator: It will take 12 human lifetimes to watch all of our content.  So start watching now.

Claire Foy Takes on Pete Davidson in an SNL Tradition | Season 44 Episode 7

[Pete and Clair are walking on the SNL stage]

Pete Davidson: You’re going to be up there Saturday?

Clair Foy: Oh, I can’t wait. [Cut to Clair] I’m so excited to host it.

Pete Davidson: Well, [Cut to Pete] before I finish the tour there is an SNL tradition that we have to do with every host. So–

Clair Foy: [Cut to Pete and Clair] What is it?

[Pete and Clair start having food fight in slow motion, having fun]

[music]

Heidi Gardner: Hey, [Heidi comes to the stage] what are you doing?

[Cut to Clair and Pete. Clair looks at Pete and says–]

Clair Foy: It’s an SNL tradition.

[Cut to Heidi, she is looking at all the mess]

Heidi Gardner: What tradition?

Pete Davidson: Alright. [Cut to Clair and Pete] I just wanted to have a food fight like in the movie.

Heidi Gardner: [Cut to Heidi] Well, that’s my lunch.

Clair Foy: [Cut to Clair and Pete. Clair is looking at all the food on the floor] All of this is your lunch?

Heidi Gardner: Yeah. So [Cut to Heidi] you owe me $413.

Pete Davidson: [Cut to Clair and Pete] Pay the woman.

[Music]

Charlie’s Grandparents | Season 44 Episode 7

Charlie Bucket… Claire Foy

Mom… Kate McKinnon

Grandma Josephine… Heidi Gardner

Grandpa Joe…Pete Davidson

Grandpa George… Kyle Mooney

Grandma Georgina… Aidy Bryant

[AMC intro playing]

Narrator: You’re watching AMC, where “X-Men” is a Christmas movie. We now return to the 1971 classic, “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.”

[Cut to small cottage house at night] [Cut to inside the house. Grandma Josephine, Grandpa Joe, Grandpa George, and Grandma Georgina in the same bed and mom is speaking to them]

Mom: Is your supper okay grandma Josephine?

Grandma Josephine: Warm water with Lumps, my favorite.

Mom: We also have bread. And for dessert, the memory of bread.

[Cut to Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe]

Grandpa Joe: Are we really this poor?

Mom: [Cut to Mom, Grandma Josephine, and Grandpa Joe]

Well, grandpa Joe, our last name is bucket, and four of you have no working legs. But look at Grandpa George and Grandma Georgina. You guys need anything?

[Cut to Grandpa George and Grandma Georgina. They can’t speak, so they grunt]

[Cut to Mom, Grandpa George and Grandma Georgina]

Mom: Okay, I’m pretty worried about you two.

[Cut to Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe. Charlie enters the room from the door]

Charlie: Hi, everyone! Charlie!

[Cut to everybody in the room]

Grandma Josephine: How was work, Charlie?

[Cut to Charlie and mom]

Charlie: Boss let me out early. I only had to work 14 hours. Here’s the money I made, mother. [Charlie passes one coin]

Mom: Oh, no, you save that for yourself, Charlie. Off, and buy a Wonka Bar. Now get to sleep. Cause you got to be back to work in two hours.

Charlie: Okay, good night, Grandpa Joe, Grandma Josephine.

[Cut to Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe]

Grandpa Joe: Good night, Charlie. Good night Josephine. [Grandpa Joe kisses Grandma Josephine gently]

[Cut to everybody in the room]

Charlie: Good night Grandpa George. Grandma Georgina.

[Cut to Grandpa George and Grandma Georgina. They can’t speak, so they just grunt. They first kiss gently. Then they start kissing more and not stop]

Mother, [Cut to Charlie, Mom, Grandpa George, and Grandma Georgina] are grandpa George and grandma Georgina okay?

Mom: Well, they’re just saying their good nights, Charlie. Now, why don’t you go over there, and stir that combination of cabbage and shirts until you fall asleep.

[Cut to Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe]

Grandma Josephine: Okay, actually I’m a little worried about how they’re saying good night, and how long it’s going on for.

[Cut to everybody in the room. Grandpa George takes off his pants from the bed and throws it]

Grandpa Joe: Karen, I think we have a problem here.

Mom: Ignore it, Grandpa Joe. It will pass.

Grandpa Joe: There’s four of us in this bed.

[Cut to Charlie and Karen. Grandpa George and Grandma Georgina start moaning]

Charlie: Mother, what are grandpa George and grandma Georgina doing?

Mom: Well, they’re just stretching, Charlie. Their bones are very old. Now come over here and look out the window, and not at them while I sing you a song.

My darling cheer up Charlie

[Grandpa George and Grandma Georgina start grunting and moaning. The bed is shaking]

give me a smile what happened to that smile is used to know.

Grandpa Joe: [Cut to Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe. The bed is shaking. Grandpa George’s foot is on Granpa Joe’s face]

No! Oh, God! Hey, should you and I—

Grandma Josephine: you can’t and I won’t! Oh!

[Cut to Charlie and Karen]

Mom: Don’t you know your grin has always been my sunshine.

Grandma Josephine: [Cut to Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe] Oh God! Oh my god, I’m feeling everything!

[Cut to Charlie and Karen]

Mom: Let the sunshine show.

Grandma Josephine:  [Cut to Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe] Oh, my god, I have to get out of here!

Narrator: “Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory,” brought to you by Cialis.

[Cut to old hut house shaking at night]

RV Life | Season 44 Episode 6

Dad….Steve Carell

Mom….Heidi Gardner

Son….Mikey Day

Daughter….Aidy Bryant

 

[There’s a place full of RV vans]

Dad: Honey, I just heard [Cut to husband and wife inside an RV van] the kids pull up.

Mom: Oh, my babies!

Dad: Hey, there they are! [Kids open the door and dad welcomes them in] You found us!

Daughter: Dad. Mom.

Dad: How are you?

Son: Good to see you. [Kids are getting in very uncomfortably] How are you?

Daughter: Wow, mom and dad. [dad and mom sit on the seat while the kids stay standing]

Son: Wow, you weren’t kidding. [Cut to the kids looking around] This is definitely an RV.

Daughter: Yeah, yeah. They’re all so similar, we found you by your license plate, ex-banker.

Mom:  [Cut to dad and mom] Yeah, ex-banker. Ex-interior designer.

Dad: Current RVers. It’s hard to believe.

Mom: Yeah, it’s pretty cool.

Dad: Six months ago, I came home, and I told your mom, I don’t want to work anymore and she said okay.

Son: [Cut to the kids] You were cool with that, mom?

Mom: [Cut to dad and mom] [Mom replies with squeaky voice] Oh, yeah, I love it.

Daughter: [Cut to the kids] Really?

Mom: [Cut to dad and mom] [Mom replies with more squeaky voice] Yeah. Yeah.

Dad: You know, it’s so freeing to purge your possessions. You know, it just feels great.

Mom: [Mom talking in squeaky voice] Yeah. Oh, yeah. I- I- I love it.

Dad: She loves it. She loves it so much I almost so much I forget whose idea it was.

Mom: It was yours.

Daughter: [Cut to the kids] Yeah, dad. You really look like you’re in your element.

Dad: [Cut to dad and mom] Oh, I sure am. Today I jogged butt naked around the lake: just socks and crocs, real man stuff.

Son: [Cut to the kids] And you’re having fun, mom?

Mom: : [Cut to dad and mom] [Mom replies looking the other way] Oh, sure. Yes. I love it.

Son: Mom, can- can you [Cut to the kids] look at us when you say that?

Mom: [Cut to dad and mom] [Mom replies facing the kids but closing her eyes] I love it.

Daughter: [Cut to the kids] Okay. Can you open your eyes when you say it?

Mom: [Cut to dad and mom] [Mom replies opening her eyes and staring at the ceiling] I love it. I just love sitting back here.

Daughter: Oh, you don’t sit up front?

Dad: No, no, no. [Cut to the kids looking around being confused] That’s where lady gray sits.

Son: [Cut to dad and mom] Who is lady gray?

Dad: Well, the love of our life. Our great dane, lady gray. [Cut to everybody in the RV van] [Dad opens the door, and the dog comes in] Lady gray, come on in here! Come on in here lady gray!

Daughter: Jesus!

Dad: Oh!

Mom: That’s a good girl. Yeah.

Dad: Lady gray sits up front because she gets carsick back here.

Mom: I get carsick too, but I love it. [Cut to dad and mom] Come here, lady gray! [Cut to everybody in the RV van] [Mom goes up to the dog to play with her] Hi, girl. Hi! Did you know a dog can punch you? [Cut to dad and mom]

Son: [Cut to everybody in the RV van] Where does the dog sleep?

Dad: Oh, your mom’s bed.

Mom: Yeah, and I sleep here. [Cut to mom, leaning on the table to show how she sleeps]

Daughter: [Cut to everybody in the RV van] I’m sorry, where did you get a great dane?

Dad: Well, from our new RV friend, Jibs. [Jibs opens the door and comes inside]

Jibs: I’m coming. You called me?

Mom: Well, we said your name, so yeah.

Dad: Yeah, Jibs here showed us how to work the dump station.

Jibs: Let’s just say I’m well versed. I showed my little robin egg here how to take the upper hose from the RV dump tank to the vice clamp and the community receptor tank.

Dad: Yes, well, your mom does that stuff. She likes it. It’s the only thing I really don’t like.

Son: I don’t think mom likes any of this.

Daughter: Yeah, mom, you hate dogs.

Mom: I love it. [Cut to mom caressing the dog]

Daughter: I don’t think you do.

Dad: [Cut to everybody in the RV van] Oh, she does love it, right honey?

Mom: Yeah, I love it! I love it!

Dad: [Cut to mom and dad] Honey look at me in the face. Honey–

Mom: [mom nodding her head here and there] I love it.

Dad: Look, look at me in the– look at me in the eyes.

Mom: [Mom looks dad in his eyes] This is hell! You’re awful! And I hate it! I couldn’t hate it more. It’s horrible. It’s horrible!

Dad: What are you trying to say?

Mom: I don’t love any of it.

Jibs: [Jibs comes in the middle of dad and mom] Is this a bad time to tell you all lady gray is pregnant.

GP Yass | Season 44 Episode 6

Husband….Steve Carell

Wife….Heidi Gardner

GPS Voice (American Male)….Kenan Thompson

[A car is driving on a highway][Cut to husband and wife inside the car, husband driving]

Normal GPS voice: You will reach your destination [Cut to GPS device] in six hours.

Husband: This is the worst, [Cut to husband and wife] miles of gray highway with this [Cut to husband] monotone lady giving directions.

Wife: How about [Cut to wife] we switch modes on the GPS?

Husband:  [Cut to husband] Switch modes?

Wife: [Cut to wife] Yeah, look, there’s American male, American female, and [Cut to GPS device] this one, drag entertainer.

Husband: [Cut to husband and wife] Well, that sounds unusual and fun. [Cut to GPS device][Wife turns on drag entertainer][Disco lights and music starts inside the car]

Speaker 4: Yes, queen, [Cut to husband surprised] [Cut to wife enjoying] I’m gagging on this scenic byway I’m giving you. [Cut to GPS device]

Speaker 5: [Cut to GP-YAS commercial] Introducing GP-YAS, with the popularity of RuPaul’s drag race, Garmen has extended our voice options to include drag entertainers. Let GP-YAS [Cut to husband and wife] turn your unstimulating trip into a sickening one.

Wife: Look, honey, the icon for the car is a [Cut to GPS device] glamour link fingernail.

Speaker 6: [Cut to three characters of GP-YAS] Entering school zone!

Speaker 4: Bitch, slow your ass down [Cut to husband and wife], so you don’t squash a child flat like a squirrel. [Cut to husband surprised]

Wife: [Cut to wife] Even the warnings are enjoyable.

Husband: [Cut to husband] I can’t see the map, but don’t care.

Speaker 5: [Cut to three male strippers dancing] GP-YAS keeps updated on traffic alerts [Cut to wife enjoying] and disaster areas.

Speaker 6: [Cut to three GP-YAS characters] Disaster area up ahead!

Speaker 7: It’s a damn mess.

Wife: [Cut to husband and wife] Oh, honey, I think you missed the exit.

Speaker 4: [Cut to GPS device] Turn around. Turn around!

Husband: [Cut to husband] You go, girl. What did I say?

Speaker 7: You arrived!

Speaker 8: [Cut to the stage of SNL, a singer is performing]Just make it fun and free [husband and wife get out of the car and joins in the stage dancing] you’re gonna live forever, follow me to the ends of the earth we’re going it together. Yes, yes. G to my P to my YAS!

Speaker 5: [GP-YAS commercial playing] GP-YAS, Sold in any town where there’s still a circuit city.

Midterm Ad | Season 44 Episode 4

Democrat 1…..Heidi Gardner

Democrat 2…..Beck Bennett

Democrat 3…..Kate McKinnon

Democrat 4…..Jonah Hill

Patient…..Kenan Thompson

Democrat 5…..Leslie Jones

Democrat 6…..Kyle Mooney

Democrat 7…..Pete Davidson

Democrat 8…..Aidy Bryant

[ Democrat 1, wearing a blue sweater, is raking leaves in her front yard while her two children are playing in the leaves. ]

Democrat 1: This Tuesday, November 6th, Democrats are bringing much needed changed to America. There’s a blue wave on the horizon, and I have never felt more confident. [ She raises a thumbs up but her hand is shaking, and she is smiling nervously. ]

[ Cut to Democrat 2 standing on sidewalk wearing a blue dress shirt and blue tie. ]

Democrat 2: The Democrats are taking back the House. It’s a win we need and a win we’re going to get. [ He raises his cup of coffee with a shaking hand popping the lid off the cup. ] I’m sure of it. [ He is shaking as he tries to take a sip while spilling coffee all over. ]

[ Cut to Democrat 3, in a blue collared top and blue apron, she is arranging flowers in her shop. Her hands are shaking violently, and petals are flying off her flowers as she tries to place them in the vase. ]

Democrat 3: They say don’t trust the polls, but I’m choosing to. We’re finally going to put this administration in check.

[ Cut to Democrat 4, a doctor wearing a lab coat and a blue sweater. He is standing with his patient. ]

Democrat 4: It’s been a minute, but we’re going to win. Nancy Pelosi just said so on Colbert. [ He grabs an oxygen mask and huffs the air. ]

[ Cut to Democrat 5 holding a kitty. ]

Democrat 5: White women promised to do the right thing this time. They’re not gonna let us down, right? [ The camera zooms in on the kitty who rolls its eyes and meows. ]

[ Cut to Democrat 2 back on the sidewalk. ]

Democrat 2: We’re gonna win! Yeah! [ He takes a joint out of the mouth of a passerby and smokes it. ]

[ Cut back to Democrat 3 in her flower shop. ]

Democrat 3: This ones in the bag. [ She is pouring liquor into a flower vase and then takes a large gulp from it. ]

[ Cut to Democrat 6 sitting on a park bench. ]

Democrat 6: Sorry, Republicans. This one goes to the, goes to the Democrats.

[ Cut back to Democrat 1 in her front yard. Her children are playing behind her. ]

Democrat 1: And once we win, will everything suddenly get better? No, there’s still a long, hard… KIDS! Go inside! [ She is yelling at her children. ] Mommy told you, go inside till Tuesday!

Kid 1: Till Tuesday?

Democrat 1: Just go the [bleep] inside!

[ Cut to Democrat 7 sitting with his mom, Democrat 8. ]

Democrat 7: Me and my friends can’t wait to vote. So we will see you at the polls, next Thursday.

Democrat 8: Tuesday.

Democrat 7: I know, mom. I’m kidding.

Democrat 8: It was not funny!! [ She slaps democrat 7 across the face. ]

[ Cut to Democrat 5 holding two kittens. ]

Democrat 5: So be part of the victory. Get out there and vote.

[ Cut to Democrat 4 with his patient in the examining room. He has his arm around the patient, and he is shaking him. ]

Democrat 4: Promise me, you’re gonna vote!

Patient: I am.

[ Cut to Democrat 2 on the sidewalk. He lifts his arms up to reveal that he is drenched in sweat. ]

Democrat 2: It feels pretty good!

[ Cut to Democrat 1 sitting on her front lawn. She throws some leaves in the air. ]

Democrat 1: We’re gonna win! [ Her two kids peak out the front door. ] Stay in there!!!

[ Cut to Democrat 8 shaking Democrat 7 who is holding his face where he was slapped. ]

Democrat 8: We’re gonna win.

[ Cut to Democrat 3. She is slamming a thumbs up on the table in her flower shop and is visibly drunk. ]

Democrat 3: We got this. [ She screams, and as her scream gets louder, she breaks all the glass in her shop window. ]

[ Cut to title screen that reads, “VOTE! PLEASE?” There is a graphic of a red, white, and blue donkey with a nervous look on his face next to the words. ]

Political Musical | Season 44 Episode 4

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

Performer 1…..Aidy Bryant

Performer 2…..Kate McKinnon

Performer 3…..Kyle Mooney

Audience 1…..Beck Bennett

Performer 4…..Melissa Villaseñor

Audience 2…..Chris Redd

Performer 5: Alex Moffat

Audience 3…..Heidi Gardner

Audience 4…..Mikey Day

[ Images of Broadway in NYC. ]

Announcer: It’s New York City, and Broadway’s the place to be. But why not go off-Broadway where they’re not afraid to go there. [ Cut to a screen that reads “Not afraid to GO THERE.”] Introducing ‘Divided We Stand.’ [ Cut to the outside of a theatre with ‘Divider We Stand’ on the marquee. ] A new musical [ Cut to the stage where the performers are ending a song. ] that dives head first into our current political climate.

[ Cut to Performer 1 walking onto the stage holding a suitcase and shawl around herself. ]

Performer 1: Ay dios mio. My country is no good. I need, como se dice, American Dream?

Announcer: In a show that can only be described as definitely written by the actors.

Performer 1: [ She begins to sing. ] Adios Venezuela. I’m finally on my way. Bienvenidos, America. And hello, Broadway. Broadway!

Announcer: ‘Time-Out New York’ calls it [ Cut to news headlines. ] “dangerously oversimplified” and “literally helping no one.”

[ Cut to Performer 2 singing. She is sitting with Performer 3 who joins her in song. ]

Performer 2: Border control, birth control, it’s all out of control.

Performer 2 & 3: I need another cup of coffee. [ They kiss. ]

[ Cut to Audience member 1 viewing the show, then responding to an interview in the lobby. ]

Audience 1: I guess the worst part of the play was their confidence in it.

[ Cut to the stage where six women are singing. ]

Performer 1, 2, & 4: Me too, me too, and you, and you, and you. It’s happened to all of us, how do you do? Me too, me too, me too.

[ Cut to more headlines about the play. ]

Announcer: “Jesus Christ,” says the New York Times, and “I don’t need to tell you, the cast was all white.”

[ Cut to Audience 2 looking at the program while viewing the play, then he is in the lobby responding to an interview. ]

Audience 2: They wrote in the cast list what makes them diverse and one person said, “Parents divorced.” And, that’s not for me.

[ Cut to Performer 5 rapping on stage, while performer 3 is beat-boxing. ]

Performer 5: Trump blames violence on the fake news media. Rewriting history like we read Wikipedia. War, troops, and hella pollution, what’s next 3D print the Constitution?

[ Cut to Audience 2 walking out on the play. ]

Announcer: Playbill.com writes “I was wondering why one guy had three separate raps and then I realized he was also the director.”

[ Cut to Audience 1 at his interview in the lobby. ]

Audience 1: I’m actually dating a girl in the show.

[ Cut to Performer 4 dressed as a sexy Statue of Liberty. She is singing. ]

Performer 4: I am the Statue of Liberty, and there’s no way you’re getting into me.

[ Cut back to Audience 1 interviewing. ]

Audience 1: Umm, I think this might be it for us.

[ Cut to the cast on stage all singing and smiling. ]

Announcer: You’ll walk away wondering whose parents paid for this?

Performer 1, 2, 3, 4, & 5: Vote with your heart. Vote with a song. Vote with the notes, sing it loud and long. Show me the cast of ballot. Yeah, we could go to the polls. But what if we just sang? What if we just sang? We don’t have to do a thing, but siiiiiiinnnnggggggg. [ Performer 1 & 2 hold the last note in an attempt to sing longer than the other. ]

[ Cut to Audience 3 & 4 in the lobby responding to an interview. ]

Audience 3: I think that last song was telling us not to vote.

[ Cut to the title screen for ‘Divided We Stand’ which is the title with a broken heart behind it. The heart is filled in with the USA flag print. ]

Announcer: Now playing at the Mariska Hargitay Theatre. Tickets are $140?!

Benihana | Season 44 Episode 4

Adam Grossman…..Jonah Hill

Miss Lilly…..Leslie Jones

Tony…..Kenan Thompson

Jake…..Mikey Day

Waitress…..Kate McKinnon

Chef Gayle…..Heidi Gardner

[ Outside of a Benihana restaurant. ]

[ Cut to inside the Benihana Restaurant. Adam and Miss Lilly are seated at a teppan table with two other gentlemen, Jake and Tony. ]

Adam: Good evening fellas. Is this seat taken?

Tony: Um, no.

Adam: It’s a pleasure to join you both. My name is Adam Grossman, and I’m six years young. [ He holds up 6 fingers. ] And this is my very lovely and very single nanny, Miss Lilly. And she must be from Jamaica because she’s makin’ me go to bed at eight tonight! But I understand the decision; I’m six! [ He holds up 6 fingers again. ]

Miss Lilly: Hi. And I’m not from Jamaica.

Jake: Well, it’s very nice to meet you. Hello, my name is Jake, and this is Tony.

Adam: Well, well, well. There’s two of them Lil. I like your chances tonight. As for me, it looks like I’ll be spending another evening with my right hand and a sock. What, I’m making a sock pocket! I’m six years old. [ He holds up 6 fingers again. ]

Miss Lilly: Let’s just calm down, Adam.

Adam: I’m only joking. Sheesh. Talk about a wet blankie; I love you to death. But sometimes you’re about as fun as apple slices for dessert. I’m kidding. She’s good people. We spend a lot of time together since my parents ivorced-day.

Tony: Oh, I’m sorry.

Adam: No! Don’t feel bad for me. I’m getting every kid’s dream. Two Chanukahs!

Waitress: Can I get you folks something to drink?

Adam: A cup of joe for me, sweetheart, please. And I like my coffee like I like my nannies, black and bitter. I’m kidding. I’m six. [ He holds up 6 fingers. ] I’ll take my fruit punch, neat. Always get your drink neat here, they try to load you up on the ice so they can bone you on the punch. It’s a racket.

Miss Lilly: I’ll have a glass of wine, please.

Waitress: You bet.

Adam: Okay, so I guess I’m driving home. I’m joking. Everything’s irie mon, drink all the red stripe you want.

Miss Lilly: I am not from Jamaica.

Adam: [ He starts to sing. ] I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the dep. You’re giving me nothing here. It feels like pulling teeth without a string. How about some Chef tricks? That’ll lighten the mood. Where’s Sooshin?

[ Chef Gayle walks over to the teppan table which is covered with shrimps. She has two spatulas in her hands. ]

Chef Gayle: Hey, I’m sorry little guy. Sooshin’s not working tonight. Dude got fired for stealing beef. [ She knocks a shrimp on the ground. ] But, Gayle has got you covered. [ She tosses a shrimp at Jake with her spatula, he tries to catch it with his mouth, but it flies straight over his head. ]

[ Jake and Tony lightly clap, Miss Lilly joins in. ]

Adam: Woof. No offense, Gayle. But I haven’t been this disappointed since I found out that there is a Santa Claus and he wants nothing to do with me. I guess we’ll have to settle for small talk, so you two fellas celebrating something?

Tony: Well, actually, yes.

Jake: We both just got engaged.

Adam: Oh, mazel! Here’s some marriage advice for ya. Don’t do it!!! I’m kidding; I’m six. [ He holds up 6 fingers. ] So what do I know? You’re both obviously a lot older than me. What are you, 11, 12?

Tony: I’m 37.

Adam: Wow, so I guess my next question is, what was Moses really like? I’m teasing! Hey, at least you’re not as old as Lilly here. You know her social security number is two!

Miss Lilly: Lord, help me. Help me.

Adam: No, really. Lilly is so old that in history class she just wrote down what she was doing.

Miss Lilly: Okay, Adam. Let’s just let the nice men enjoy their dinner, okay?

Adam: [ He sings really loud. ] One Love!!!! I’m kidding. Anyway, mazel on your engagement. I’m sure you’ll both marry two very lovely women. L’chaim.

Tony: Well, actually, we’re getting married to each other.

Adam: Okay. Record scratch. You’re doing what now?

Miss Lilly: I’m sorry, he’s probably just a little confused.

Adam: Ah! More like my mind is completely frickin’ blown! Two buddies getting married to each other, that’s genius! Wait till Eli here’s about this. He’s my best friend. We’ve been playdatin’ for years. And I love him dearly. Look he’s 3’5”, he’s got four teeth, he’s got the stickiest hands I’ve ever seen. But what can I say, I like to fix people.

Jake: That’s so cute.

Adam: Now, I gotta ask..who proposed to who? Cause I’m a top and Eli’s a bottom.

Miss Lilly: Adam!

Adam: Woah! I meant bunk beds. I’m six. [ He holds up 6 fingers. ] I don’t even understand that double entendre.

Tony: Okay, maybe we should explain.

Adam: Hold that thought. I want to hear everything. But unfortunately right I have to make bumps. And Lilly, your ring’s off this time, unless you gotta fish one loose again. [ Lilly takes off her ring. ]

Miss Lilly: Would you believe that I have a four-year degree?

Adam: I have no idea what that means, but [ He begins to sing. ] Redemption song!