Tag: Heidi Gardner

Ken Instagram | Season 44 Episode 10

Travis… Kenan Thompson

Deirdre… Cecily Strong

Michael… Pete Davidson

Victoria… Rachel Brosnahan

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a video clip of office building of Mattel]

Deirdre: Good morning, little Barbie interns. [Cut to intern meeting. The interns are sitting and Deirdre and Travis are briefing] Everyone have their morning iced whatevers and their doughy breakfast bready things?

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: That’s enough, Deirdre. Let’s get into it. There is a lot of work to be done. With the popularity of Barbie’s Instagram page, Barbie fans can connect with the brand more than ever before. But one question lingers. Deirdre?

Deirdre: Who is Ken? [Ken appears in the screen between Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: Ken is style. Ken is the ideal boyfriend. Ken is Anglo. Ken is Wall Street. Ken is surf. Ken is sex, but only implied.

Deirdre: So today, we are launching the Instagram page for—

[Cut to interns, Michael, Victoria and Heidi]

Heidi and Victoria: Barbie.

Michael: Deirdre

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: For Ken, damn it.

Deirdre: Breathe Travis. What we need is for you to help us come up with the captions for his Instagram. [Cut to Deirdre and screen with Ken’s picture] So, here’s the first pick. [Cut to Ken’s picture. It looks like he’s looking at a black phone] What do you think Ken would say here?

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: How about, ‘This wallet is black’.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: Oh, it’s not a wallet, it’s a cell phone.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Then why is he staring at it like it’s a wallet?

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: He’s taking a selfie. He’s being young and cool.

Deirdre: Michael, what’s your caption for this?

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: How about ‘Ken’.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis][Deirdre and Travis are speechless]

Travis: Ken? You think Ken would caption his picture? Just ‘Ken’?

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: Right. How about’ Ken’s wallet’.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis][Deirdre and Travis are speechless]

Travis: It’s not a wallet.

Deirdre: Travis just told you he’s taking a selfie.

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: Well, you can’t do that with a wallet.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: Deirdre, help me weather my fury.

Deirdre: It’s okay. Moving on. What’s your caption? [Cut to Victoria] What would Ken say here?

Victoria: Every time I see a picture of myself, I wonder, who am I even for? A I an accessory for Barbie? No more important than her big plastic brush? You know,  I could destroy her with six little words. “I know what’s under the Jacuzzi.”

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis][Deirdre and Travis are speechless]

Travis: Girl, now you listen to me. Ken has no intention of revealing barbie’s secrets for a profit. Ken is for money.

[Cut to Victoria]

Victoria: Ken is not doing it for the money.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Deirdre: Let’s try another picture.

[Cut to picture of Ken bringing Barbie a piece of cake. Barbie is sitting with her puppy.]

Heidi: Okay. New picture. New wallet. [Cut to Heidi] Me, that lady, and baby raccoon.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: That lady is Barbie and she would never own a pet raccoon. That is her Yorkie and Barbie is his whole world.

Deirdre: Yes, captions for Ken. Remember? All right, Michael?

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: I got it. How about, ‘Ken is there’.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: Why would Ken say ‘Ken is there’?

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: Because he is. He wants people to know where they could find him.

[Cut to Travis]

Deirdre: Victoria?

Victoria: Somehow there is never [Cut to Victoria] a chair for me. The dog gets to sit and have a macaroon, but not Ken. Should I tell her I know what’s under the Jacuzzi? No, not yet. Save it for the big party right in the middle of her speech.

[Cut to Travis]

Travis: Listen to me, girl. There is nothing buried under Barbie’s Jacuzzi. I will tell you what’s going on in this picture. Ken bought a macaroon and she reached for her purse and Ken said “No, no, no, no. This is a date.” Then they gave each other a sweet dry kiss period!

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Deirdre: Easy Travis, let’s give this one more good try before we release you permanently. I’ll give you an example. [Cut to picture of Ken, Barbie and another girl] “Oh! Another great party at Barbie’s.”

[Cut to the interns]

Heidi: Oh okay. I got it. ‘I think it’s right behind me. I should tell the raccoon.’

[Cut to Travis]

Travis: I swear to god. If I were a cartoon right now my face would inflate till it popped like a balloon.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Deirdre: Michael, please give us a good caption.

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: We should invite Ken to the party.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Deirdre: Ken is right there.

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: Then who is taking the picture.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Deirdre: I’m sorry. So you think he’s not at the party, but he is taking the picture?

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: Yeah, he’s like that.

[Cut to the interns]

Victoria: Well, the party was last night. I interrupted her speech [Cut to Victoria] and said everyone follow me to the Jacuzzi. They gathered around and when they saw what was there, they were silent. Then they raised their glasses and cheered for Barbie. Later that night she turned to me in bed and asked, Ken whose name is written in pink all over these plastic walls? Is it Ken? I simply whispered, [Whispering] “No. It’s Barbie.” Then she said, “You are lucky I don’t put you outside with the raccoons.”

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: Okay. Well, let’s schedule another meeting for Never-tober.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: I’m sorry, which day in Never-tober? I might have a thing.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Deirdre: The 36th. We’ll see you there.

Weekend Update Angel Reacts to Good Holiday News | Season 44 Episode 9

Michael Che

Angel… Heidi Gardner

Tommy… Matt Damon

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: With the holidays coming up, everyone can use a little cheer. Here with “Weekend Update’s” good news report is every boxer’s girlfriend from every movie about boxing ever, please welcome Angel.

[Angel comes in]

Angel: Hi Michael.

[Cut to Michael and Angel]

Michael Che: Hi Angel, how are you?

Angel: You know,I’m hanging in there.

Michael Che: You have any big holidays plan?

[Cut to Angel]

Angel: Yeah, well, you know, Tommy’s got a big fight coming up on Christmas so I guess the only thing he will be getting from Santa is a concussion.

[Cut to Michael and Angel]

Michael Che: He’s boxing on Christmas?

Angel: Not as far as I’m concerned. [Cut to Angel] I mean Tommy can get his sleigh bell rung all he wants but if he goes to that fight, I’m taking the kids to my sister’s.

[Cut to Michael and Angel]

Michael Che: Okay, Angel.

Angel: You hear me, Michael, the kids, I’m taking them to my sister’s.

Michael Che: All right, well here’s some good holiday news. How about that? Tyler Perry made headlines this week when he paid off over $400,000 in Walmart layaways.

Angel: [Disappointed] Oh–

Michael Che: What? What’s wrong with that?

[Cut to Angel]

Angel: I mean, what are you doing, Tyler Perry? You think you’re some hero, paying for people’s Christmas presents? Well, my kids already got their Gronk jerseys. What they need is their father. So unless you’re gonna be there on Christmas morning to say hello, then my biggest family reunion will be missing a few people, because I’m taking the kids to my sister’s.

[Cut to Michael and Angel]

Michael Che: Okay. All right.

Angel: All right? That’s where we will be on Christmas, Michael. At 343 Donnie Wahlberg Way.

Michael Che: Let’s just change the subject. You’ll like this. ‘Creed II’ has made over $100 million at the box office. Did you get to see it?

Angel: [Disappointed] Aww—

Michael Che: What did I say now?

[Cut to Angel]

Angel: Oh, if you think for a second I’m taking my kids to see Creed’s kids fight Drago’s kids and not my sister’s kids and my sister, then you lost your damn mind, because I’m taking the kids to my sister’s!

[Cut to Michael and Angel]

Michael Che: Come on, Angel, everybody loves another ‘Rocky’ movie.

Angel: Oh, yeah, [Cut to Angel] how many more sequels? Which one is enough? Michael B. Jordan? Nah, Michael be needing his Catheter changed three times a week. All right?

[Cut to Michael and Angel]

Michael Che: Angel, it’s just a movie.

Angel: Oh, Michael, you think it’s a movie—until it’s your life.

Tommy: Angel! [Tommy comes in] Angel!

Angel: Oh, my god! Tommy, [Cut to Angel and Tommy] what are you doing here?

Tommy: I can ask you the same thing. You said you were taking the kids to your sister’s.

Angel: Yeah, yeah, well, I did. And then I came here, to my job. I’m doing the news now for Michael Che. [Cut to Michael Che, Angel and Tommy. Michael is confused.] And it turns out I’m pretty good at it.

Tommy: What? [Cut to Angel and Tommy] Now you’ve been on ‘Update’, you think you’re better than me?

Angel: Yeah, Tommy, I do.

Tommy: Look, I may have been born in the back of the cheers bar, but everyone knows my name, Tommy Ray Donovan, fighter and father to Mikey, Mickey, Peppens, Keno and the baby.

Angel: What do you mean?

Tommy: You’re pregnant, Angel.

Angel: Oh, my god!

[Cut to Michael Che, Angel and Tommy]

Michael Che: How does he know before you?

[Cut to Angel and Tommy]

Tommy: I love you so frigging much.

Angel: I love you so frigging much, Tommy! Now you go out there and punch that man until you kill him! All right?

Tommy: I will.

Angel: All right, it’s Christmas!

Tommy: That’s right.

[Cut to Michael Che, Angel and Tommy]

Michael Che: Angel and Tommy, everybody!

Tommy: We’re naming the kid Gronk!

Angel: Even if it’s a girl.

Cut for Time Glitter Litter Automatic Litter | Season 44 Episode 9

Matt Damon

Chris Redd

Aidy Bryant

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a cat sleeping beside Glitter Litter automatic litter factory][Matt is calling his cat. The cat is ignoring him]

Matt Damon: Hey biscuit. Come here. Come here biscuit. Come here. [Matt turns around] Cats suck. Anyone who has lived with one knows what I’m talking about. [Cut to cat acting lazy] So maybe it’s time you got a little more out of our relationship [Cut to Matt] with your few line counter part. And maybe even make a few bucks while you’re at it. [Matt stands][Matt is introducing Glitter Litter automatic litter factory] With Glitter Litter automatic litter factory, it’s possible.

[Cut to animated video clip of how Glitter Litter automatic litter factory works]

The Glitter Litter automatic litter factory spray coats the cat’s business with glitter, then adds a coat of polyurethane. Next, chains attached and Woah-lah! [Cut to Matt wearing the gold necklace] A super dope necklace to wear over my jerseys. Fire.

[Cut to Matt playing snooker at the bar. A stranger approaches to him.]

Stranger: Oh, man! This chain is dope. How much you’re going for like? $200?

 Matt Damon: Sure.

Stranger: Be right back. I got to find ATM quick.

[Cut to cat getting inside Glitter Litter automatic litter factory]

 Matt Damon: Glitter Litter automatic litter factory can make [Cut to video clips of example jewelry made by Glitter Litter automatic litter factory] charm bracelets, chokers, earrings, barrettes, just about any kind of jewelry you can think of.

[Cut to video clip of how to use Glitter Litter automatic litter factory ]

Just select the style and type of jewelry you want and [Cut to cat getting out of Glitter Litter automatic litter factory] the next time Fluffy dumps a brownie, [Cut to Matt] you’ll own a remarkable piece of jewelry. Like this sick ring I’m wearing. Create timeless pieces that look good on anyone.

[Cut to Aidy and Heidi dining in a restaurant]

Aidy Bryant: Heidi, where did you get that barrette? It’s stunning.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Oh, this? A friend of mine dropped it off this morning.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy Bryant: Can I buy it with a personal check?

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Sure. [Smiling]

[Cut to Matt]

 Matt Damon: Cats are morons. Isn’t it time you got a little payback in a relationship? Sounds like my cat and Glitter Litter automatic litter factory are done making my new grill.

[Cut to grill coming out of Glitter Litter automatic litter factory][Matt takes the grill and wears it on his teeth]

[Cut to Glitter Litter automatic litter factory and cat wearing Christmas hat]

Narrator: This Christmas, put your cat to work with Glitter Litter automatic litter factory.

Cop Christmas | Season 44 Episode 9

Kelly… Matt Damon

Carl… Kenan Thompson

Connor… Beck Bennett

Captain… Alec Baldwin

Paul… Kyle Mooney

Maureen… Cecily Strong

Rhonda (Bartender)… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a shot of a bar]

Kelly: All right, another round for everybody. [Everybody sitting in the bar drinking bar] I’m buying this time.

Rhonda: You got it.

Carl: Oh, Kelly’s buying.

Connor: That’s what I call a Christmas miracle.

[Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor]

Kelly: Just for that, make his smaller than everybody else’s.

Paul: His wife told me somebody did.

Everybody: Oh!

[Cut to Captain and Carl]

Captain: Good one, Paul.

Connor: At least I still have a wife [Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor] to go home to, Paul.

Kelly: I bet Paul [Cut to everyone] would settle for a home at this point. [Everybody laughing]

[Cut to Captain and Carl]

Captain: You aren’t get any action sleeping at your sister’s house.

Carl: But I am!

Everybody: Oh!

[Cut to Paul and Kelly]

Paul: You guys are breaking my balls. Come on now!

Kelly: Reminds me, Paul, I got you a little Christmas present here. It’s a gift certificate to that new massage parlor downtown. Y

[Cut to Captain and Carl][Everybody laughing]

Captain: Yeah. For your lonely nights.

[Cut to Paul and Kelly]

Kelly: No, but really, it’s pretty nice place. [Emotional music playing in the background] It’s a full spa. They do really good massages, facials, hot stones. I know we break balls a lot. But you’re a good guy.

Paul: You know what? I can actually use this, thanks.

Kelly: I hope you do.

Paul: Thanks, man.

Kelly: Hey, Paul, Merry Christmas.

Paul: Merry Christmas.

[Cut to Carl, Paul and Kelly]

Carl: Hey, Paul, I got you a little something too.

Paul: Really, Carl?

Carl: [Carl takes out a box and gives it to Paul] Yeah, sure.

[Cut to Carl and Paul]

Paul: Headphones, hey, for what?

Carl: For when me and your sister get a little too loud at night! [Cut to everybody laughing] No, but seriously, [Cut to Carl and Paul] I know that can’t be easy for you, man. I mean I’m having sex with your little sister. You’re right there on the couch.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Those walls are paper thin. You must hear everything.

[Cut to Carl and Paul]

Paul: I just mind my business. It’s cool.

Carl: No, it’s not cool! It’s not cool at all! And I know we break balls a lot. Right? [Cut to everybody agreeing] Yeah, we break a lot of balls. We’ve been friends since the academy. [Cut to Carl and Paul] I would hate to put a strain on that.

Paul: Say here, they’re noise-canceling beats by Dre. You must have paid a lot of dough for these.

Carl: Some of the boys gypped in.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Yeah, some of us felt pretty rotten about nailing her too.

[Cut to Everybody]

Paul: Thanks. That means a lot, Captain. I’m just happy she’s with you guys, and not some jerks.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Hey, Merry Christmas.

[Cut to Everybody]

Carl: Merry Christmas.

Paul: Merry Christmas. Hey, is this a party or what?

[Maureen walks behind them]

Kelly: Where are you going? [Cut to Carl, Maureen, Paul and Kelly] Do a round with us, Maureen, come on.

Paul: It’s not like you have plans on a Friday night!

Maureen: Its’ a nice night, Paul. I figured I’d go let your mother out for a walk. [Everybody laughing]

Paul: You know what, Maureen, [Cut to Everybody] I think my mother would really like that. [Cut to Maureen and Paul] This fresh air could really do her good.

Maureen: Yeah, I think so too. Merry Christmas, Paul.

Paul: Merry Christmas.

[Cut to Everybody]

Kelly: All right, let’s get those shots! [Rhonda brings the shots]

Connor: How do you like that, we’re getting shots from the worst shot on the force!

Paul: Hey, you’re the worst shot I have ever seen, Connor!

[Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor]

Connor: Yeah, right!

Paul: Yeah, remember when you accidentally shot my wife?

Connor: Who, Beverly?

Paul: Yes! I only had one wife and you shot her. What a goof!

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Who’s the boss tonight. [Captain takes the shot]

[Cut to Everybody]

Connor: Hey, look, Paul, I’m actually glad you brought that up [Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor] because—I haven’t been sleeping good since that all went down.

Paul: Hey, man, forget it. You know, it’s been months already.

Connor: No, no, let me say this, Paul. I shot your wife at your wedding. And I guess I had a few too many, and I messed up. Big time.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Any one of us could have shot his wife at their wedding.

Connor: Yeah, sure, [Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor] but I did. If I’m being honest, part of me still feels like it’s the reason she left you that night. I’m sorry, okay. I’m truly sorry, man. [Connor stands and leaves]

Paul: Wait, Connor. [Connor pauses] Merry Christmas.

Connor: Merry Christmas, man.

Kelly: Merry Christmas, Connor.

Carl: Merry Christmas.

Paul: Hey, Rhonda, put everything on my tab.

[Cut to Rhonda]

Rhonda: They’ve already been using your card. It’s 2 grand!

[Everybody laughing]

[Cut to Everybody]

Paul: You guys breaking balls! [Everybody laughing]

Weezer | Season 44 Episode 9

Beck Bennett

Martha… Heidi Gardner

Matt Damon

Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

Cecily Strong

[Starts with a video clip of a house in a Christmas night]

[Laughing]

[Cut to dining hall with six adults]

Beck: I mean, we can laugh at it now.

Martha: That’s our favorite story.

Matt Damon: So good.

Martha: Can I get anyone a drink?

[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Kenan Thompson: Real quick, hey, just so you know, I just got to say thank you so much for inviting us. I know we just moved into the neighborhood but it’s nice to have company around the holidays.

Leslie Jones:  Yes, you all have been so welcoming.

[Cut to Matt and Cecily]

Matt Damon: Don’t mention it. That’s what neighbors are for.

[Cut to Beck and Martha]

Beck:  Yeah. You’re welcome here anytime.

[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Leslie Jones: Thank you so much.

Cecily Strong: Cheers to our new neighbors.

[Cut to everyone]

Everbody: Cheers! Cheers!

[Music plays]

Matt Damon: Oh, Now we’re talking. Who put this on?

Cecily Strong: This song sounds familiar. What is this again?

Martha: I don’t know, it’s on shuffle.

Matt Damon: I’m sorry. [Cut to Matt and Cecily] Wait, you haven’t heard this yet? This Weezer’s cover of “Africa”. It’s good right?

[Cut to Beck and Martha]

Beck: Wheezer? I didn’t know they were still a band.

[Cut to Matt and Cecily]

Matt Damon: Haha. Where the hell have you been, Rick? They just set a released date for the freaking “Black” album. [Cut to everyone in the dining hall] I mean, they’re laying new year’s rocking eve. Come on, Weezer!

Beck: Oh, okay. Ha.

Leslie Jones: So you call yourself a Weezer fan?

[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Kenan Thompson: Baby, please it’s Christmas.

Leslie Jones: No, no, no, I’m just asking him a question. Sounds like you’re into that new stuff?

[Cut to Matt and Cecily]

Matt Damon: Damn straight. I mean I think they’re doing some real cool things right now.

[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Kenan Thompson: ♪Baby be cool♪

Leslie Jones: I’m just getting to know the neighbors. I’m just a little confused because real Weezer fans know that they haven’t had a good album since “Pinkerton” in 96’.

[Cut to Matt and Cecily]

Matt Damon: Oh! Uh-oh. Looks like we got a purist in the house. All right, I’m going to have fun with this.

Cecily Strong: What’s happening right now?

[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Leslie Jones:  What’s happening is that Weezer put out two perfect albums, “Blue” and “Pinkerton”, and the rest have been pretty corny.

[Cut to Matt and Cecily]

Matt Damon: Well, that’s your opinion, but me, I’m ride or die.

Cecily Strong: For Weezer?

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: They’ve been trash since 2001, son.

[Cut to Matt]

Matt Damon: Well if you think that, then you ain’t going to like what I’m about to say.

[Cut to Beck and Martha]

Beck: Well then please don’t say it.

[Cut to Matt]

Matt Damon: “Pork and beans” is better than “Buddy Holly”.

[Cut to everyone in the dining hall]

Leslie Jones: Oh! Oh, I’m sorry. You’re dumb. Beck, tell him he’s dumb! [Leslie stands with her champagne]

[Cut to Beck and Leslie]

Martha: Is this something people care about?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: No, no, it isn’t.

[Cut to Matt]

Matt Damon: Wait, let me guess, you only listened to the first two records?

Leslie Jones: Hey, man, [Cut to everyone in the dining hall] I’ll go all the way.

Matt Damon: You know what you sound like right now? [Matt also stands] Okay, hold on. Here’s what you sound like, you sound like, [Cut to Matt] “Oh, hey I’m stuck in 1994. High school’s awesome!” Why don’t you grow the hell up. Listen to “Raditude”, listen to “Pacific Daydreams.”

[Cut to Leslie. She is laughing hard]

Leslie Jones: Pacific Daydream is not music, man.

[Cut to Matt]

Matt Damon: No offense, but burn in hell. I mean you just don’t understand what Rivers is going through right now.

[Cut to Leslie][Leslie grabs her champagne glass and breaks it with a tight grasp][Leslie is angry]

Leslie Jones: Bitch! [Cut to everyone in the dining hall] Rivers doesn’t understand what Rivers is going through right now! I know more about Rivers than he knows about himself.

Martha: I’m gathering that Rivers might be a guy in Weezer?

Matt Damon: Look, can we all just agree that Weezer is the best band of all time?

[Some say ‘Yes’, some say ‘No’. Leslie says ‘Yes’.]

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: And then became the worst band of all time!

[Cut to Matt]

Matt Damon: What? Do you even listen to “Memories”?

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: [Laughing] [Leslie talks while she claps] You are a grown-ass man! You bringing up stuff from early?

[Cut to Matt]

Matt Damon: [Matt claps while talking to mock Leslie] It was in “Jask ass 3D”.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: [Laughing] Weezer died when Matt Sharp left.

[Cut to Matt]

Matt Damon: Weezer didn’t start until Scott Shriner got there!

[Cut to everyone in the dining hall]

Leslie Jones: Oh, you trying to die. [Leslie tries to jump on Matt]

Kenan Thompson: Baby, calm down! I will testify this time.

Cecily Strong: Hey, you know what band I always liked? [Cut to Matt and Cecily] Yellow card.

Matt Damon: No offense, Tammy, but drink my blood.

Cecily Strong: What? Is that a Weezer reference?

Matt Damon: No, no, that is a Todd original. You know, I don’t even know why I cam here tonight.

[Cut to Beck, Martha, Matt and Cecily]

Martha: Yeah, neither do we.

Beck: No one technically invited you.

Matt Damon: Oh, can it, dork. Martha, no offfense, your neighbors suck and I’m glad we’re divorced. But if you want to get back together with me— [Matt starts walking away]

Martha: I don’t.

Matt Damon: But if you do want to get back together with me, you know where to find me.

[Cut to Kenan, Matt and Leslie]

Martha: Don’t say it!

Matt Damon: ♪Living in Beverly Hills♪[Matt mocks Leslie with the song and leaves]

Leslie Jones: Well, I actually like that song.

It’s a Wonderful Trump Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 9

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Clarence… Kenan Thompson

Sarah… Aidy Bryant

Kellyanne… Kate McKinnon

Donald Jr. Trump… Mikey Day

Eric… Alex Moffat

Melania… Cecily Strong

Hernia… Heidi Gardner

Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller

Mike Pense… Beck Bennett

Brett Kavanaugh… Matt Damon

Robert Mueller… Robert De Niro

[Starts with a black and white video clip of bell ringing] [Cut to address board saying ‘You are in Washington, D.C.’][Cut to video clips of White House office]

Unknown speaker 1: And lord, please help Donald Trump. He’s not a good man, but he is in trouble.

Unknown speaker 2: Joseph, Jesus and Mary, help Mr. Trump tonight. He’s a nightmare, but he’s all I got.

Melania: Please send an angel to help my Donald tonight. Oh, and I would also like a Cartier watch, thank you.

[Cut to Donald Trump coming out to the balcony]

Donald Trump: Well, I don’t think I can do this anymore. I might actually eat a salad and explode.

[Clarence walks to Donald Trump]

Clarence: What seems to be trouble, Donald?

Donald Trump: Who are you? Stay back.

Clarence: Relax, I mean you no harm. My name is Clarence. And I was send here from heaven. I heard you are in trouble.

Donald Trump: Oh, it’s awful. Everything is falling apart. Sometimes I wish I had never been president.

Clarence: A world where you were never president, hey? I think we can arrange that.

[Cut to intro of ‘It’s a Wonderful Trump’]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence walk into the room full of people]

Donald Trump: Wow! Everyone looks so different. What are those things on their faces?

Clarence: Those are called smiles.

[Sarah walks to Donald Trump]

Sarah: Hey, Mr. Trump, [Cut to Sarah and Donald Trump] I just wanted to say Merry Christmas.

Donald Trump: It’s President Trump, Sarah.

Sarah: Oh, that’s a good one! Seriously though, I just wanted to thank you for suggesting I go into PR. I’ve made so much money working for so many awesome companies like Facebook and Ashley Madison and The Romaine Lettuce Association. Merry Christmas Donald. [Sarah leaves]

Donald Trump: Wait, Sarah isn’t my press secretary?

Clarence:  I told you, Donald. You don’t have a press secretary. Because you weren’t elected president.

[Kellyanne walks to Donald Trump]

Kellyanne: Yeah, hello, Mr. Trump.

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, my god, you look incredible! So healthy and vibrant.

Kellyanne: Actually that’s because I’m actually no longer eaten from within by lies. And after we lost the campaign, the devil did give me my soul back. So, excuse me, [Cut to Kellyanne] I have to go find my husband, who I do speak to now. [Kellyanne leaves]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Wait, so Hillary is president?

Clarence: That’s right. In this reality, all she had to do to win was visit Wisconsin once.

Donald Trump: But, did they find her e-mails?

Clarence: They did. They were all bed, bath and beyond coupons.

[Cut to Don Jr. and Eric walks to Donald Trump]

Don Jr.: Hello, father.

Donald Trump: Oh, my sons, [Cut to Don Jr., Eric, Donald Trump and Clarence] my boys, Don Jr. and Eric. Eric is that a Rubik’s cube?

[Cut to Don Jr. and Eric]

Eric: And finito, haha. That’s Italiano for finished.

[Cut to Don Jr., Eric, Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: What the hell is happening with Eric?

Don Jr.: Well, since Eric does not run the entire Trump Organization, he was able to attend adult education classes.

[Cut to Don Jr. and Eric]

Eric: Merry Christmas, father. Or as they say in Spanish, Feliz Nasty-dad.

Don Jr.: You got a way to go buddy. [Don Jr. and Eric leave]

[Melania walks to Donald Trump]

Melania: Donald, so nice to see you. How are you?

Donald Trump: Melania, what happened to your accent?

[Cut to Melania]

Melania: Oh, I lost it after we got divorced. They said being around you all the time was hurting my language skills.

[Cut to Melania and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, you’re still smocking hot! Are you holding up okay?

Melania: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. [Cut to Melania] I have a huge real estate empire now. I figured if Donald can do it, anyone can do it. And I’m happily remarried to Papa John.

[Hernia walks near Melania][Cut to Hernia, Melania, Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: And who is this woman?

Melania: Oh, don’t you recognize her? She’s your new wife Hernia.

Clarence: Yeah, she was a suitcase girl in the Serbian version of “Deal or No Deal”.

[Cut to Hernia and Melania]

Hernia: It’s called “Potato or No Potato”. And I did this. [Gesturing as if she’s opening something and moving her lips as saying “potato”.]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Jackpot.

Clarence: I’ll say. I’m an angel. But I ain’t no angel. You know what I’m saying?

[Cut to Michael Cohen walks to Donald Trump and hugs him]

Michael Cohen: Mr. Trump, Merry Christmas!

Donald Trump: Michael Cohen, shouldn’t you be in jail after you flipped on me?

Michael Cohen: What? I would never, ever flip on you. [Cut to Michael Cohen] You’re my best friend. And since it’s Christmas, I just want to say, you taught me everything I know.

Donald Trump: Oh, come on, Michael.

[Cut to Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Michael Cohen: No, it’s true. Every single thing I’ve done is because [Cut to Michael Cohen] you directed me to do it. And I hope everyone knows it. We’re a team like O.J. and Kato, or Lyle and Erik Menendez.

[Cut to Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Okay, Merry Christmas, Michael.

Michael Cohen: And I’ll see you tomorrow at the grand opening of Trump Tower Moscow!

[Michael Cohen leaves]

[Music starts playing]

Donald Trump: Wait, what’s that music?

Clarence: Mike Pense is deejaying.

[Cut to Mike Pense deejaying]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Mike, is that what you’re doing now?

[Cut to Mike Pense]

Mike Pense: Oh, hell yeah, dog. It’s so great to be myself. Thank god I was never your vice president. I would just be sitting in meetings with you and Pelosi and Schumer just staring out in space imagining this. [Mike Pense starts dancing]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Wow. So everyone is better off without me being president.

Clarence: Well, not just them. You’re better off too.

[Cut to a doctor standing beside Donald Trump]

Doctor: Oh, my god, Donald. Your hair, it worked!

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: What is she talking about?

Clarence: Well, this is a Muslim immigrant from Syria. She was allowed to come to America. And she discovered a permanent solution for hair loss.

Donald Trump: My god, it’s all real. If there’s no Muslim ban, what about a potential terrorist attack?

Clarence: Well, it was foiled by a team of transgender NAVY S.E.A.L.S.

[Cut to Brett Kavanaugh walking in]

Brett Kavanaugh: All right, when is the party getting started? Whew!

[Cut to Brett Kavanaugh, Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Brett Kavanaugh, how is the supreme court?

[Cut to Brett Kavanaugh]

Brett Kavanaugh: Me on the supreme court? With my temperament, are you insane? No, they went with that nerd Merrick Garland. But on the plus side when I tell people I like beer, they find it charming and not like I’m threatening violence. Plus, I have so much more time now to hang out with P.J. and Squee and Needle Dick Nick and no means yes Nate. [Cut to Brett Kavanaugh, Donald Trump and Clarence] Hey, I brought a little present for you. It’s a calendar. And every day is a different beer.

Donald Trump: Thank you, Brett.

Brett Kavanaugh: Merry Christmas, everyone. Let’s do this! [Brett Kavanaugh leaves]

Donald Trump: But Clarence, what about my agenda, all of the things I wanted to accomplish as president?

Clarence: Well, that’s the best part about not being president. You can still say the same stuff, build a wall, bring back coal. But you don’t have to deal with the fact that all of your ideas are impractical or insane. So Americans love you.

Donald Trump: Wow, this is all so great. It’s like Robert Mueller doesn’t exist.

[Cut to Robert Mueller walking in]

[Cut to Robert Mueller and Donald Trump]

Robert Mueller: Oh, really? Hello, Mr. Trump. I have waited for this moment for a long time.

Donald Trump: Mr. Mueller, I’ve been meaning to come and talk to you, but, golf.

Robert Mueller: I have something for you.

Donald Trump: Is it a subpoena or your final report?

Robert Mueller: No, report? [Cut to Robert Mueller] No, no. No, it’s a picture of my grandson. I’ve been spending so much more time with him since I don’t have to investigate some idiot for treason.

[Cut to Robert Mueller and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Wait, it sounds like you know I used to be president.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: I know everything. Everything!

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Wow, this night has put everything into perspective. I have had an epiphany. I guess the world does need me to be president after all.

Clarence: Yeah, that was not the lesson at all.

Donald Trump: I want to be president again! I want to be president again!

[Kellyanne walks to Donald Trump]

Kellyanne: Listen, Donald, every time a bell rings, [The video changes to color video with everyone in the scene] someone you know quits or goes to jail.

Donald Trump: So I am president again! It’s a Christmas miracle!

Clarence: No, not the lesson!

Donald Trump: So Merry Christmas, everyone! And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

New HBO Shows | Season 44 Episode 17

Jon Snow… Kit Harington

Ygritte (White Walker)… Heidi Gardner

Sam… Kyle Mooney

Gilly… Cecily Strong

Tormund Giantsbane… Mikey Day

Hodor… Beck Bennett

[Starts with game of thrones intro]

Narrator: Game Of Thrones, the final season. [Cut to different movie clips from Game of Throne series] Only six episodes remain until we say goodbye to HBO’s thrilling saga. But the journey continues with prequels, sequels and spinoffs. [Cut to trailer of Castle Black] Like “Castle Black”, a sexy moody drama about forbidden love.

[Cut to Jon Snow drinking wine]

Ygritte: Hey. [Ygritte as a white walker comes in]

Jon Snow: You came.

[Cut to Ygritte]

Ygritte: Yeah. And you promised that when winter came you would tell your friends about me, about us. Well, winter is here, Jon.

[Cut to Jon Snow]

Jon Snow: It’s not that simple. You’re dead.

[Cut to Ygritte]

Ygritte: You were dead too.

[Cut to Jon Snow. He stands up emotionally.]

Jon Snow: That was different and you know it. [Ygritte starts opening her clothes] What are you doing? Stop. Stop that.

Ygritte: This is what you want, isn’t it? Come take it. [Ygritte is only skeleton inside her clothes] [Laughter]

Narrator: And check out everyone’s favorite [Cut to video clip of Arya Stark from Game of Thrones] assassin in cartoon form. [Cut to video clip of Arya in cartoon form] It’s Arya.

[Cut to cartoon. A boy is talking to Arya in the hallway of school.]

Cartoon Boy: Hey, Arya, are you going to dance with the faceless man? [Arya stabs the boy’s neck with her needle sword and kills him.]

[Cut to Arya]

Cartoon Arya: A girl is going with her friends.

[Cut to promotion video clips of The Queen of King’s Landing]

Narrator: And if you’re looking for laughs, you’ll love Sam and Gilly in “The Queen of King’s Landing”.

[Cut to Sam in the kitchen. Gilly walks inside later with her baby]

Gilly: Sam, what happened to the kitchen? [Cut to Gilly] Were we attacked by the free folk?

[Cut to Sam]

Sam: Even worse. I tried to make dinner.

[Cut to Sam and Gilly]

[Cut to different promotional video clips]

Narrator: Plus it’s going to be a game of crossovers with shows like [A picture of Cersei appears] Cersei and the City, [Cut to pictures of Grey Worm, Lord Verys, Theon Greyjoy] No ballers, [Cut to pictures of Mellisandre] The Marvelous Mrs. Mellisandre, and [Cut to dragons breathing fire] Dragons aren’t the only ones spitting fire on. [Cut to intro of Wildling Out] Wildling Out.

[Cut to rap battle between Wildlings]

Tormund Giantsbane: This white bitch know he can’t stop me. Yo, why y’all got me out here battling bootleg king Joffrey?

[Cut to promotion video clips of HBO KIDS shows]

Narrator: And over on HBO kids, we got family friendly shows like Dire Guys and Hodor’s house.

[Cut to Hodor is holding the door from the inside]

Hodor: Hodor! [Hodor leaves the door and smiles] [Cut to flowers laughing at Hodor]

[Cut to promotion video clips of Game of Thrones Special Victims Unit]

Narrator: And franchises collide in our new procedural, “GOT SVU”.

[Cut to detectives in a crime scene wearing similar clothes to the Game of Thrones]

Male Detective: You tell me some sick son of a bitch cuts his thing off.

Female detective: Yes.

Male Detective: Then fed it to his dog?

Female detective: Seems so.

Male Detective: Then gauze the man’s eyes out.

Female detective: Yeah.

Male Detective: Then fed in his own eyes?

Female detective: Bingo

[Cut to detectives and a human corpse]

Male Detective: then wore his dead skin to an orgy.

Female detective: Ding ding.

Male Detective: Then got busy in the holes where his eyes used to be?

Female detective: Circle gets the square.

[Cut to outro of Game of thrones]

Narrator: Game of thrones. We’re going full “Star Wars” on this.

Soccer Broadcast | Season 44 Episode 15

Peter Toppman… Mikey Day

Jeremy Feathers… Alex Moffat

David Kooseman… Idris Elba

Anna… Heidi Gardner

Rose… Melissa Villaseñor

Will Hutchins… Beck Bennett

[Starts with intro of Premier League Football by Sky Sports]

Narrator: Sky Sports presents Premier League Football. Manchester United and Arsenal.

[Cut to Peter Toppam and Jeremy Feathers in their program set]

Peter Toppam: Welcome to our prematch coverage. Peter Toppam announcing today alongside Jeremy Feathers here at Emirates stadium.

Jeremy Feathers: And a special guest joins us in the booth. He’d normally be on the pitch for Arsenal. But a nasty ligament tear last week put him on the injured list. So, he’s trying his hand at announcing.

Peter Toppam: Hand. Yellow card.

Jeremy Feathers: Oh, you snitch.

Peter Toppam: Making his broadcast debut, arsenal defender, [Cut to David Kooseman] David ‘the bruiser’ Kooseman.

David Kooseman: Yeah.

Peter Toppam: All right. [Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David] Now, as you are a man of few words. Fans have rather cheekily nicknamed you Dumb David.

David Kooseman: Yeah.

Peter Toppam: Now, I think you might be a secret intellectual.

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: Nah.

[Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David]

Jeremy Feathers: Alright. Tell us David, how’s the leg?

David Kooseman: Which one?

Jeremy Feathers: Well, the leg you injured David, how is it?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: It’s injured, isn’t it?

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: Yes. Any idea when we can expect you back on the field again?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: Yeah. When my leg’s better.

[Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David]

Peter Toppam: Right. Well, we wish you a speedy recovery. In the meantime you’re here with us. Feels a bit different in a suit and tie on, rather than your kit. How does it feel?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: It feels a bit gay.

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: All right, don’t say that David.

Jeremy Feathers: Okay, well, Arsenal’s defense has been playing catch up and we saw a good example of that last week against Tottenham. [Cut to video clip of the match] Harry Kane on the attack [The video clip pauses] and look at Arsenal’s defenders. [Circling two defenders] One behind the play, one trying to get in front of it. David, anything to add?

David Kooseman: Yeah. [David adds to drawing of two circles into a penis]

[Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David]

Jeremy Feathers: Come on. David, come on.

Peter Toppam: You’re a grown man, David. Well, lots of supporters in the stadium today including [Cut to Anna in the audience] Arsenal star Roy Milleroon’s wife, Anna.

Jeremy Feathers: Yes, there she is now, ready to cheer on her husband.

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: Yeah, I’d smash that.

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: That’s gross David. That’s your team mate’s wife.

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: He smashes all the girls on the road. He can’t be mad if I nob his wife.

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Jeremy Feathers: Don’t say that, David. Okay. Anna, of course, [Cut to Anna and Rose] joined today in the stands by her mum Rose.

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: Yeah, I’d smash that too.

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: All right. Wish you had not said that. Because next to Rose [Cut to Rose and Alicia] is your wife David, Alicia.

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: She’s a good bird, faithful.

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: Right, yes. Well, now our player to watch this week is Arsenal striker [Cut to player screen with Will Hutchins] Will Hutchins coming off three straight matches of Stellar Play. [Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David] Now, David what are your thoughts on your teammate.

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: Well, he’s got a good knob for a white guy. I’ll tell you.

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: Don’t say that.

Jeremy Feathers: It’s inappropriate.

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: I saw it in the shower. Massive. Good for him man.

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Jeremy Feathers: Well, Arsenal has the working out for them today. Man United of course. Quite a tough squad to beat.

[Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David]

Peter Toppam: Yes. David, let’s say you’re the coach of the Arsenal.  What do you say to the boys before the match?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: Well, yeah, I’m not the coach, though, am I?

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Jeremy Feathers: Right, but pretend you are, what do you say to the team?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: I’d say “Sorry, lads, the coach is dead, and I’m the coach now.”

[Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David]

Peter Toppam: Don’t worry about justifying why you David are the coach. You just are. Let’s try this. I’m an arsenal player. Give me a prematch pep talk.

David Kooseman: You couldn’t play, [Cut to David]  you’re too small, look at you.

Peter Toppam: All right, [Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David] let’s say I am on the team. What would you say to me before the match?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: I’d say “Sorry mate, I have to trade you, because you’re to small.”

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: Forget me, let’s say it’s Jared.

Jeremy Feathers: Yeah, I’m on the team. Now, what do you tell me before kick off?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: I’d say, “Sorry I had to trade your mate because he’s too small.”

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Jeremy Feathers: Okay, let’s just scrap the coach scenario.

Peter Toppam: You’re no longer the coach, you’re David, what strategy do you give the team?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: Well, now, that’s the coach’s job, isn’t it?

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: Right. Well, David, we’re thrilled you’ll be joining us here for the next 10 games.

Jeremy Feathers: Yes, yes, and coming up [Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David] the Pizza Express Look Around the League.

David Kooseman: I think pizza express tastes like an old man’s diaper.

Peter Toppam: All right. That’s the worst one yet David.

Jeremy Feathers: Oh, David. No. Stay with us.

Khal Drogo’s Ghost Dojo | Season 44 Episode 8

Zerco… Kenan Thompson

Khal Drogo… Jason Momoa

Hodor… Beck Bennett

High Sparrow… Pete Davidson

Brienne of Tarth… Heidi Gardner

Joffrey… Kate McKinnon

Olenna Tyrell… Aidy Bryant

[Intro playing]

Narrator: You’re watching Dothraki Public Access. Up next, Khal Drogo’s Ghost Dojo.

[Cut to Zerco and Khal in a hut]

Zerco: Alright, welcome to Khal Drogo’s Ghost Dojo, where we talk to some of the hundreds of characters of  Game of Thrones who have been killed off the show. I am Zerco, bloodwriter to the great Khal himself. Khal, how are you feeling tonight?

Khal Drogo: [Cut to Khal] Hmm.

Zerco: [Cut to Khal and Zerco] Alright. So, Khal is not the biggest talker but he’s a cool dude when you get to know him. Do you know any fun plans for the weekend Khal?

Khal Drogo: [Cut to Khal] [Talking in Dothraki language, subtitle says “I will kill the men in iron suits and tear their stone houses”]

Zerco: [Cut to Khal and Zerco] Cool. Co-co-co-co-cool. Very cool. Very chill. Hey, you mind closing your legs just a little bit there Khal? Ever heard of the term man spreading?

[Khal takes his knife out and stabs Zerco twice]

You never know how fast they’ll kill off a character! [Zerco dies. But then, he stands again] And I’m back. Revived by a witch. All right. Let’s start the show and meet our first guest, our first ghost. He sacrificed his life to save Brandon and Mira. Pease welcome, Hodor!

[Cut to Hodor coming in and sits in the middle]

Hodor: Hodor.

Khal Drogo: Who you?

Hodor: Hodor

Khal Drogo: Why?

Hodor: Hodor.

Khal Drogo: What’d you do?

Hodor: Hodor.

Zerco: [Cut to Zerco] Okay, great combo. Thanks for stopping by, Hodor. Really glad that we got you two together. [Cut to everybody. Hodor walks towards the door] Hey, would you mind holding the door for our next guest?

Hodor: Hold the door? Hold the door! Hold the door! Hodor!

Zerco: [Cut to Zerco] Yeah, thanks, Hodor.

Hodor: [Cut to Khal and Hodor] Oh, please, yeah, no trouble at all.

Zerco: [Cut to Zerco] All right. Our next guest is a religious Zealot who led the face of the Seven until he got exploded. Please welcome the high sparrow.

High Sparrow: [Cut to High Sparrow comes in and Hodor leaves] Can I just ask where I am?

Zerco: Well, you’re in the Dothraki world.

High Sparrow: [Cut to Zerco and High Sparrow] Oh, like horse heaven? So glad I gave up sex for 50 years.

Khal Drogo: [Cut to everybody] I sex when I want with ever I want. Many, many partners.

High Sparrow: And we both ended up in the same heaven! It almost makes you question religion.

Zerco: Well, hey, I mean you ran that whole team. You were almost like a king.

Khal Drogo: You think you like king? [Khal carries a container of molten gold and pours it on High Sparrow’s head]

High Sparrow: I didn’t mean to offend you.

Khal Drogo: Shout for king!

High Sparrow: You ruined my potato sack!

Zerco: [Cut to Zerco] Wow. Okay. Well, I actually need to save a little bit of that molten gold to make a friendship bracelet, but no worries, I guess.

Brienne: [Cut to everybody. Brienne comes in with a sword in her hand] Is there a danger? Where are the stark children? Arya, Sansa, the cripple in the sled.

Zerco: Wait, Brienne of Tarth? Are you even dead? I mean, the show’s been out for so long, I’m honestly asking.

Brienne: I have sworn [Cut to Brienne and Khal] a blood oath to find and protect the Stark children wherever they be.

Khal Drogo: [Speaks in Dothraki language. Subtitle says, “If this man wants to fight I will give him what he wants”]

Brienne: Man? wow, you have a lot to learn about identity politics.

Khal Drogo: You’re right. Khal needs to learn from Khal’s mistakes or Khal never wins Oscar. Khal never holds Oscar.

Zerco: [Cut to Zerco] Wow, what a teachable moment, yeah. Now a quick word from our sponsors.

[Commercials start playing]

Narrator: Khal Drogo’s Ghost Dojo is brought to you by Little Beard Twisties. Want to keep your beard neat but still loose and crazy? Little Beard Twisties. And remember the red wedding? Well, that venue is now open for your wedding. What are the odds of it happening twice? We’ve cleaned up almost all of the blood and hired a new wedding planner. Dothraki Wardrobe provided by dead horses. When a horse dies, you wear it. And if you like elf on a shelf, ready for Khal On The Wall. He knows when you’ve been naughty and he’ll kill you.

[Cut to Zerco and Khal]

Zerco: Okay, we are back. And Khal is just eating rib, which means it’s time for our final guest. He’s the worst and everyone’s glad he’s dead. Please welcome, King Joffrey!

[Joffrey walks in] [Cut to everybody]

Joffrey: Go ahead and boo me. I love it. You’re all just mad that you’re not me. But catch me outside! I said catch me outside!

Zerco: Man, you are just despised.

Joffrey: They think they cannot handle all of this. I feed off the haters.

Zerco: Alright, now, Joffrey, you were poisoned to death, correct?

Joffrey: Perhaps, whatever.

Zerco: Well, what if I told you that the woman who poisoned you is here tonight? Olenna Tyrell, get out here!

Olenna: Oh, I know you, you son of a bitch. [Olenna and Joffrey start fighting] I’m about to kill you again Justin Bieber!

Zerco: We got to break this up. We got to break this up. [Zerco stops their fight] [Cut to Zerco] Let’s take a break. When we come back, we will see the results of our big makeover. Here’s what Oberyn Martell looked like after the Mountain gouged out his eyes and crushed his skull. [Picture of Oberyn’s face when Mountain crushed his eyes in the Game of Thrones series] And here’s what he looks like now. [Oberyn comes in with sunglasses on. Disco music stars playing and Oberyn starts dancing] Right here on Khal Drogo’s Ghost Dojo!

[Cut to Kyle Mooney in his set]

Kyle Mooney: And, hey, stay tuned after the show for “Talking Dojo”, where we dissect everything that just happened in the Ghost Dojo.

[Khal Drogo appears in Kyle Mooney’s set]

Khal Drogo: No more after shows! [Khal stabs Kyle with his knife] Best death ever!

 

GE Big Boys | Season 44 Episode 8

[Starts with Beck walking in his house to his wife Heidi. The clip is black and white.]

Beck Bennett: Wow wee! Honey, [Cut to Beck kisses Heidi] how do you keep the house so clean?

Heidi Gardner: [Cut to Heidi] A lady never tells. [Heidi winks]

Narrator 1: A woman’s work is done better with [Cut to Vacuum Cleaner cleaning the house] GE Household Appliances.

Narrator 2: [Cut to color video clips showing women working as professionals] Times change. And these days, women are the primary breadwinners [Cut to Jason keeping the plates on dining table for the kids as his wife Cecily is leaving for work] in 50% of American homes. And that means house work is a man’s job. [Cut to Jason in messy hall] So give him the tools to get the job done right with GE’s new Big Boy Home Appliances. [GE’s Big Boy commercial video clip] Like the Big Boy dishwasher, featuring a 70 pound [Cut to Jason struggling to close the dishwasher door] steel door.

[Jason locks the door like a wheel vault]

Jasom Momoa: “I’d like to see a woman do that.”

Narrator 2: [Cut to video clips of women speaking in corporate presentations] And hey, she may have climbed the corporate ladder but she’ll need an actual ladder to use The door locks like a wheel vault [Cut to Jason opening the yellow washing machine that’s six feet tall] the Big Boy washing machine because that sucker is six feet tall.

[Cut to vacuum cleaner sucking up the dust from the floor] Dirty floors don’t stand a chance against the Big Boy [Cut to Jason using the vacuum cleaner. The vacuum cleaner is attached to a tractor] ride-on vacuum cleaner. That’s 240 horsepower. [Jason is riding the vacuum cleaner tractor with headphones, safety glasses and drinking a beer] Pure chore torque.

[Jason sees red stain on the carpet] With the detachable spot remover that absolutely annihilates stains. [Jason using spot remover. The spot remover looks and works like Jackhammer] All GE Big Boy Appliances have an energy star rating of ‘F minus’ because they run on gas. [Cut to Jason refilling the fuel tank of his washing machine] So man up this holiday [Cut to Jason and MIkey Day drinking beer in front of dish washer. Then Mikey riding the vacuum cleaner tractor] season and ask your wife to buy you GE Big Boy Household Appliances.

Cecily Strong: [Cut to Cecily and Jason in hall of their house very clean] Wow, how did you get it so clean in here?

Jasom Momoa: Oh, sorry babe, [Cut to Jason] a guy never tells. [Jason winks]

Narrator 2: [Cut to video bumper] GE Big Boy appliances.