Tag: Kenan Thompson

Jason Mamoa Mo-Monologue | Season 44 Episode 8

Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, Jason Momoa.

[Jason Momoa comes in the stage from the door. He walks in, jumps on the stage. He is bare feet.

Jason Momoa: Thank you very much, thank you very much. I’m so muscular to be hosting “Saturday Night Live”, huge! It’s such an honor to be on this stage. If you don’t know, I am an ‘SNL’ super nerd, dork. I’ve been watching this my whole entire life. [Applause and cheers]

And there was a time when I actually wanted to quick acting, I wanted to move to New York and try to get cast on ‘SNL’. Fortunately, I got sidetracked by a massively successful career, and I’m playing “Aquaman”. [Applause and cheers]

But now I’m here! And I’m hosting. I mean, this is probably one of the greatest moments of my life, right after having beautiful kids and marrying my red hot smoking wife, Lisa Bonet. Come on, Jase, hold it together. If you cry, it will rain in Hawaii. You know what, if it’s okay, I’m just going to take a second, savor this moment. Eli, if you can play that song I wrote.

[The back of the stage where the band play gets dark. Jason sits down on his knee and smiles as the band plays this song]

“This is my moment, I’m taking into
This is m moment, I’m the strongest man in the world”

[Jason stands]

Okay, great. Thanks, bud. This weekend has been amazing. I was so nervous to meet the cast. But for some reason, they’ve been asking, you know, they’re a little weird.

[Aidy Bryant comes in the stage]

Aidy Bryant: Oh hi, Jason!

Jason Momoa: Hi, Aidy.

Aidy Bryant: Would you mind opening this jar while looking at me directly in the eyes?

Jason Momoa: Sure.

[Jason opens the jar looking at Aidy]

Aidy Bryant: Oh, that’s going to be a big thing. I love you, best day of my life. Thanks you. Bye.

[Kenan Thompson, Leslie Jones and Chris Redd comes to the stage dressed up funky]

Leslie Jones: Alright. We got to impress.

Jason Momoa: Oh, wow, you guys look crazy. Is this for a sketch?

Leslie Jones: I’ll get to that. Let me ask you something, does “Aquaman” have a theme song?

Jason Momoa: I mean, not really. There’s music in the movie but it’s not really a theme.

Leslie Jones: Okay. Alright.

Kenan Thompson: Cool, cool.

Leslie Jones: We had an idea. You ever heard of “Aqua Boogie’ by Parliament Funkadelic?

Jason Momoa: Not really.

Chris Redd: You know, like George Clinton? P-Funk?

Jason Momoa: Nope.

Kenan Thompson: Aqua Boogie, from the 1978 album “Motor Booty Affair”?

Jason Momoa: Sorry, I never heard of it.

Chris Redd, Leslie Jones and Kenan Thompson: What? [Acting surprised]

Leslie Jones: It’s perfect for “Aquaman”. Check this out.

[Band starts playing music.Chris Redd, Leslie Jones and Kenan Thompson start dancing and singing]

Aqua boogie baby,
Never learned to swim

Underwater boogie baby,
Can’t catch the rhythm of the stroke

Aqua boogie baby,
Why should I hold my breath

Underwater boogie baby,
Feelin’ that I might choke

Jason Momoa: Whao, hold on, hold on.

Leslie Jones: So, what did you think of that, man?

Jason Momoa: Well, I mean it’s a cool song but did you just say never learnt how to swim?

Leslie Jones: I did. I sure did.

Kenan Thompson: Yeah, that’s how the song goes. You can check the lyrics if you need to.

Jason Momoa: So it’s a song about someone who can’t swim?

Leslie Jones: Absolutely.

Kenan Thompson: No doubt. No doubt.

Jason Momoa: Well, I’m Aquaman. His whole thing is he can swim really well.

Chris Redd, Leslie Jones and Kenan Thompson: Oh! [Realizing about the movie theme]

Leslie Jones: Yeah man, but this is about the feeling man! You got to give it a try. You know what I’m saying? Just read what’s on the cue card!

Kenan Thompson: Yeah, come on, man.

Leslie Jones: Come on, man.

Jason Momoa: Okay.

Kenan Thompson:  Put that glass in, dog.

Psycho alpha disco beta bio aqua do loop

Jason Momoa: The motion picture’s underwater, starring most of you-loops

Everybody: Aqua boogie baby,
Never learned to swim

Underwater boogie baby,
Can’t catch the rhythm of the stroke

Aqua boogie baby,

Jason Momoa: Why should I hold my breath

Everybody: Underwater boogie baby,
Feelin’ that I might choke

Psycho alpha disco beta bio aqua do loop

Jason Momoa: We got a great show for you tonight! Mumford and Sons is here. Stick around, man, we’ll be right back.

Gemma Sleigh Ride | Season 44 Episode Episode 8

Gene… Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

Kyle Mooney

Jason Momoa

Gemma… Cecily Strong

Sleigh man… Mikey Day

[Starts with a sign board ‘Free Winter Sleigh Ride’]

Leslie Jones: This is so romantic. [Cut to Sleigh on the snow. There’s Sleigh man, Leslie and Gene] What a great idea, Gene. A winter sleigh ride. [Cut to Leslie and Gene] It would be a great place to propose to somebody.

Gene: Oh, well. You’re hilarious. That’s why I’m really starting to like you.

Leslie Jones: Well, I love you, and I’m ready.

Speaker 3: [Cut to Sleigh on the snow.] Oh, honey, look, this sleigh has a room.

Kyle Mooney: After you, my lady, please.

Jason Momoa: [Jason and Cecily comes in] Oh, my god! Gene, are you jerking me [Cut to Jason and Cecily] off right now? Is that you?

Leslie Jones: [Cut to Leslie and Gene] Who is that Gene?

Gene: I have no idea.

Jason Momoa: [Cut to Jason and Cecily] Baby, look that’s Gene. Man, I’m blown seeing you! Come on, get out of here! [Jason pulls other passengers out]

Kyle Mooney: Excuse me, we waited an hour in line. You’re a jerk, sir!

Speaker 3: Wow, I wish that was the first time that happened. [Jason and Cecily gets in the sleigh]

Gemma: Hi, I’m Gemma. Nice to meet you. Happy Christmas and all that.

Jason Momoa: Hey, don’t talk like that when I’m wearing these jeans, they’re too tight for that accent. You know what I’m saying Gene? [Cut to Leslie and Gene] Sleigh man, let’s go!

Sleigh Man: [Cut to everybody] Yup.

Gemma: Wee!

Gene: I’m sorry, who are you?

Gemma: I’m Gemma, I’m British. [Cut to Gemma and Jason] I got a brand new vagina today.

Leslie Jones: [Cut to Leslie and Gene] What? You got a new vagina today?

Gemma: [Cut to Gemma and Jason] Well, we did it in Thailand, flew in this morning. Whatever the time difference is, I guess I got it tomorrow.

Jason Momoa: Merry Christmas to me, Today or tomorrow. Right, Gene! We’re gonna rock! Thank you, Thailand.

Gemma: Don’t make me laugh, it will come loose.

Gene: [Cut to Leslie and Gene] I’m sorry, I’m going to say it again, how in the world do I know you?

Jason Momoa: [Cut to Gemma and Jason] Dude, it’s your boy. I carried you down from that zip line after you got too scared to go, remember that?

Gene: [Cut to Leslie and Gene] I wasn’t scared.

Jason Momoa: [Cut to Gemma and Jason] Well, you were crying and you were hanging on my back like a little koala.

Leslie Jones: [Cut to Leslie and Gene] That sounds so cute, Gene. I’d carry you like a koala if you wanted.

Gene: Oh, That’s nice.

Gemma: [Cut to Gemma and Jason] It’s nice to actually love your brother.

Leslie Jones: [Cut to Leslie and Gene] What? You think he’s my brother?

Gemma: [Cut to Gemma and Jason] Isn’t it sweet, babe?

Jason Momoa: Oh, my lord. That accent, that little tiny hand on my shoulder. Oh man. I’m going to take that blanket of yours because I’m building a Christmas tree over here. You know what I’m talking about? Your sister knows what I’m talking about.

Leslie Jones: [Cut to Leslie and Gene] I’m not his sister. I’m his fiancée.

Gene: No.

Leslie Jones: Well, practically speaking.

Gene: Let’s take it day by day.

Leslie Jones: You better not be wasting my time.

Gemma: [Cut to Gemma and Jason] You got to think about yourself first, you know. Your brother don’t own you. Just remember that. Girl power.

Jason Momoa: Speaking of girl power, my girl gives me that kind of power. [Cut to everybody. Jason starts to rock the sleigh] When the sleigh’s rocking don’t you come knocking. Am I right, Gene? Am I right?

Sleigh Man: Sir, please stop rocking the sleigh, it’s not safe and you’re spooking the horse, sir!

Gemma: Hey, don’t you look into my eyes. Don’t even look you look at my girl.

Sleigh Man: I’m actually asexual. Not that anyone ever cares or asks.

Gemma: Babe, I love your anger.

Jason Momoa: Oh my god, I almost forgot the best part. My girl’s a singer.

Gene: [Cut to Leslie and Gene] What?

Gemma: [Cut to Gemma and Jason] He said I’m a singer!

Jason Momoa: Gene, you and your sister’s ears are about to climax together. Her new Christmas album. It is dope, it’s all about hope. Do it, baby?

Gemma: [Gene starts to sing] Lights flashing, beat sounding us…[Jason starts dancing rocking the sleigh again] that’s when you see him… dancing in the corner… and now it’s knocking in the corner

Sleigh Man: Sir, you have to stop rocking the sleigh. The horses are being lifted off the ground. The hooves are in mid air.

Gemma: Hey, just like real reindeer do, right? They got their hooves up in the air, don’t they? ♪ POP, POP, POP, POP, POP, POP, POP

Gene: [Cut to Leslie and Gene] Alright, I can’t take anymore! Should we jump?

Jason Momoa: [Cut to Gemma and Jason] Yeah, let’s do it buddy. Gene, come on, let’s get ready. [Cut to everybody] Gene’s sister, let’s do it! One, two, sixty. [Jason jumps] WOO!

Gemma: Oh, he’s such a nug.

Gene: Can you sing me a song? Of course!

Leslie Jones and Gene: ♪We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas

Gemma: I know this song.

Leslie Jones and Gene and Gemma: And a Happy New Year.

Day of the Dorks | Season 44 Episode 8

Trip… Mikey Day

Beef… Jason Momoa

… Beck Bennett

… Kenan Thopmson

… Alex Moffat

… Chris Redd

Finnegan…Kyle Mooney

[Starts with an intro]

Narrator: You’re watching TVS. And now back to the 1985 campus comedy “Day Of The Dorks”.

[Cut to six students in a well furnished room]

Trip: I’ve had it with these dorks! First they ruin our homecoming party with their dump pranks and now they’re beating us in the Greek Week Olympiad! [Cut to Trip] We’re Sigma Theta. We can’t lose to a bunch of dorks!

Beef:  [Cut to Beef] I hate dorks.

Trip: [Cut to Trip] We all do, Beef. That’s why we need to get rid of them once and for all.

Beck: [Cut to Beck] No one makes fools of Sigma Theta, especially not a bunch of dorks.

Beef: [Cut to Beef]Dorks!

Beck: They win one more event [Cut to Chris, Alex, Beck and Kenan] at Greek Week, they’ll get to move in to our frat house.

Kenan: [Kenan stands] Man, this house belongs to us. Not those dang dorks!

Beef: [Cut to Beef breaking the chair out of anger] Dorks.

Trip: [Cut to everybody] Yeah! All right! Yeah! Also, take it easy on our furniture, [Cut to Trip] Beef. Alright, we have to pay for that stuff man. Good news, gentlemen, is that I have a way to stop the dorks.

Beef: [Cut to Beef] Kill the dorks.

Trip: [Cut to Trip] Not that, Beef. But I do think I have a way to kill their pathetic excuse for a frat.

Beef: [Cut to Beef] With a knife?

Trip: [Cut to Trip] All right. Stop with that stuff, please, Beef. It’s freaking me out. Now, what does the dean hate most?

Beef: [Cut to Beef, acting happy] Dorks!

Trip: [Cut to Trip] No, cheating. And what happens to a frat caught cheating during Greek Week?

Beef: [Cut to Beef] They die!

Beck: [Cut to Beck] Beef, please listen. alright? Trip is hatching a plan.

Kenan: [Cut to Alex and Kenan] Trip, the dorks won’t cheat, man. Not only are dorks fair, they’re clever. And they know it.

Alex: Just thinking of the smug faces on those dorks. Oh, god!

Beef: [Cut to Beef] Dork faces! [Beef gets angry, screams, runs to the foosball and breaks it]

[Cut to everybody]

Trip: Beef, man! Why did you do that? [Cut to Beef and Trip] That was a gift from the alumni!

Beef: Because Beef hates dorks!

Kenan: [Cut to Kenan] We know but we all really liked and use that foosball table a lot.

Beck: Beef, we love how much you hate dorks. And we all admire your passion [Cut to everybody] but wrecking stuff we use doesn’t help.

Chris: Yeah, maybe grab a pen and jot down notes on like, what you’re going to do to help to get rid of these dorks. That would help a lot.

Beef: Beef can’t write.

Kenan: [Cut to Kenan] Oh, Beef, really? You have been in college for eight years, man. How do you not know how to write?

Beef: [Cut to Beef and Trip] Because of dorks.

Kenan: [Cut to Kenan] I don’t know Beef. I feel like that’s on you, man.

Beck: [Beck goes to Beef, tells him to go outside. Beef goes outside] Alright, make them drink from the hose. Right? I’ll tell you about the plan after. I love Beef, but what’s his deal? Have any of you ever met his parents? How is he paying for an Ivy League School?

Trip: I don’t know. What matters right now is getting rid of the dorks. [Trip walks towards the other door] Now, as you all know, my father has a great deal of money. [Beef is drinking water from the pipe outside the window, looking inside] And every dork has his price. Guys, meet Finnegan. [Finnegan comes inside the room] My dork on the inside.

Finnegan: Gentlemen, as a dork myself, I can tell you— [Looks at Beef outside the window] I’m sorry, is he okay?

Beef: [Beef is angry looking at Finnegan] Dork!

Trip: Yeah, he’s fine, [Trip closes the curtains to the window] he’s fine. Alright, Finnegan, please continue.

Finnegan: Okay. Well, [Cut to Finnegan] if there’s one thing we dorks love more than computers, it’s girls. If you jocks can help me get a girlfriend—[Beef breaks the wall and pulls Finnegan out through the wall]

Beef: Dorks! Dorks!

[Playing outro]

The War in Words | Season 44 Episode 7

James… Mikey Day

Margaret… Claire Foy

Hemry… Kenan Thompson

[Intro playing]

Narrator: This is a PBS world war I centennial special. The war in words: letters from the trenches.

[Cut to old photographs of Private James and his wife Margaret] The letters of Private James merchant of the king rifles to his wife, Margaret.

[Cut to James writing a letter]

James: My darling Margaret, this war is hell. We in our trench, the Germans in theirs, dying by the thousands, and for what? [Cut to Margaret reading the letter] The only thoughts that calm my mind are ones of you, [Cut to the letter] my love. You adoring husband, James.

Margaret: [Cut to Margaret] James, sounds dreadful. Love, Margaret.

[Cut to James looking at the letter and looking confused. He starts replying to that letter]

James: My dearest Margaret. I was mad with excitement to receive your letter, though I found it lacking in substance. In future letters, please elaborate. As I long to read your words. Yours faithfully, James.

Margaret: [Cut to Margaret] James, will do. Love Margaret.

James: [Cut to James angry] Margaret, my dear, it seems that prose is not your forte. Perhaps you could send me a photograph of yourself instead? Your loving husband, James.

Margaret: [Cut to Margaret] James, enclosed is a photograph of me. Please enjoy it privately, you naughty boy: Hee-Hee, love, Margaret.

James: [Cut to James with a photograph in his left hand] Margaret, no! This is a photograph of you as a child. [Cut to an old photograph of a child] And the suggestion that I should enjoy it is extremely disturbing. Please send a current photograph of yourself instead. Your husband, James.

Margaret: [Cut to Margaret] James, as requested, here is a photograph I’ve taken this afternoon. Please send back the other one if you can pry it away from your army friends that is, hee-hee. Love, Margaret.

James: [Cut to James]Again, my love, nobody finds your childhood photo arousing. And as for this current photograph, [Cut to an old photograph of Margaret and a stranger] who is this gentleman you are with? He looks to have made himself very comfortable in our home and why is he wearing my hat? [Cut to James] Perhaps you would like to give him my pocket watch as well. Answers, Please, your husband, James.

Henry: [Cut to Henry] Dear James, Henry here, I cannot thank you enough for the pocket watch. I love it. You and your wife are so kind, which is why I don’t believe a word of what the newspaper are saying. There’s no way she could have committed that crime. Can you write me at 149 Cherry Street, Brighton, UK. Henry.

James: [Cut to James] But that’s my house! [Starts writing again] Dearest Margaret, I am positively starved for context. Henry’s led me to believe you’re in trouble with the law. Of what crime are you accused? And who is Henry? And why is he living in our home? Confused in France, James.

Margaret: [Cut to Margaret] James, Henry is the man in the photograph.

James: [Cut to James] Yes, I know, but who is he?

Margaret: [Cut to Margaret] Anyway, love, wish me luck. My trial is today. Love, Margaret. P.S. how is World War I going?

James: [Cut to James] The war is bad, Margaret. And why would you call it World War I? This is cryptic. Do you think there will be a second World War? And also still needed, details about your legal troubles, i.e., how did the trial go? Also, everything Henry! Out letters have become like the causes of this war, deeply confused, your beleaguered husband, James.

Margaret: [Cut to Margaret. She is wearing a military uniform] My dearest James, forgive my silence. I will explain everything when I see you in France. That’s right; I have joined the army as a gunnery maid. I will be serving under captain Wilhelm in the Blitz division. Love, Margaret.[Margaret wears a helmet]

James: [Cut to James] Oh, my god, she’s joined the German army!

[Playing outro]

Narrator: Stay tuned for more of “The War in words: Letters from the trenchies.

Netflix Commercial | Season 44 Episode 7

Ruth… Kate McKinnon

Heidi Gardner

Mikey Day

Claire Foy

Chris Redd

Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

[NETFLIX commercial playing]

Narrator: This holiday season give the gift of NETFLIX and enjoy streaming shows like [Cut to small clip from Stranger Things, The Crown and Making a Murderer] “Stranger Things,” “The Crown,” and “Making a Murder.” And in 2019 we’ll have even more programming to choose from because we’ve gone crazy! That’s right. [Showing thumbnails of many series in NETFLIX interface] We’re spending billions of dollars and making every show in the world. Our goal is the endless scroll. By the time you reach the bottom of our menu, there’s new shows at the top. And thus the singularity will be achieved. How we doing it? Simple. We buy everything. Here’s a look at one of our actual pitch meetings.

Heidi Gardner: [Cut to Heidi in NETFLIX office giving presentation of her show] So this show is about a girl named Jimmy.

Mikey Day: [Cut to Mikey Day with a pile of money on his desk accepting Heidi Gardner’s show]Yes, here’s money. Go, make it.[Throwing money at Heidi]

Narrator: We’re even buying stuff from ourselves. We love [Cut to clips from movie, The Crown] Claire Foy as Queen Elizabeth so much, we’re sending her back to high school.

Claire Foy: [Claire Foy in high school] I’m in over my crown!

Narrator: It’s “Saved By The Crown.” We’ve got so many shows. Even we haven’t seen them all. Like “Kenny Meat Depot.” It’s been on for three seasons, and only one woman watches it.

Ruth: Hello. I’m Ruth, and I love “Kenny Meat Depot.”

Mikey Day: Thanks, Ruth.

Narrator: And hey. We still got movies, thousands of them — 12 of which you want to watch.

Mikey Day: We even made all the fake movies from “Entourage.”

Narrator: Betty Ian and Queen’s Boulevard. And we got reboots. Like our dark take on “Sabrina,” then you’ll love our “Greedy Family Matters” reboot.

Officer Winslow.

Chris Redd: Oh, la la my pet. [Kenan is drinking liquor from the bottle. He looks at Christ Redd] I love you.

[Kenan points a gun on Chris’ head]

Kenan Thompson: Get the fuck out of my house!

[Chris runs out of the house. Kenan shoots on the ceiling of his house]

Why did I do that?

Narrator: But don’t worry, we also got that comedy, like comedians in cars getting coffee or Leslie Jones in a van getting batteries.

Leslie Jones: [Leslie speaking out of her van’s window] Let’s go get some DURACELL. [Leslie is driving. She hits something] Oh, man, I think I hit that dude on the bike! [Leslie is driving away from the cops]

Narrator: It will take 12 human lifetimes to watch all of our content.  So start watching now.

Morning Joe – Wedding | Season 44 Episode 7

Joe Scarborough… Alex Moffat

Mika Brzezinski… Kate McKinnon

Willie Geist… Mikey Day

Elijah Cummings… Kenan Thompson

Katty Kay… Claire Foy

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez… Melissa Villaseñor

[News intro playing]

You’re the heartbeat of Georgetown

[Cut to Joe, Mika, Willie, and Elijah in a news set]

A faded jeans boy in an Armani town

Joe Scarborough: Good morning, gang. You know, that’s ‘Heartbeat if Georgetown.’ An original rock jam by young up and comer named [pointing at himself] Joe Scarborough.

Mika Brzezinski: You guys, Joe has a band. Wow. Did he ever tell you that, Willie?

Willie Geist: [Cut to Willie] Frequently, I saw him play on the view.

Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika] Oh, yeah, man. Those ladies get it. We blew the roof off that joint until 11:00 a.m.

Mika Brzezinski: Right and afterwards they put it on YouTube and Joe watched it 200 times.

Joe Scarborough: Oh, yeah, baby. Now with us this morning is Shoni’s big boy mascot, Willie Geist.

Willie Geist: [Cut to Willie] Good morning.

Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika] And our good pals representative Elijah Cummings, who fun fact, [Cut to Elijah] presided over our joyous wedding this past weekend.

Elijah Cummings: Yes, I did.

Willie Geist: [Cut to everybody] Congratulations.

[Joe and Mika showing their engagement rings]

Mika Brzezinski: We are married, and now I’m worried my eyes are going to roll back in my head and just stay there.

Willie Geist: [Cut to Willie] I didn’t know you were a reverend.

Elijah Cummings: Well, I’m not but I’m black, and my name is Elijah.

Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika] Pretty good guess. Now, in a few minutes, we’ll talk to BBC world’s Katty Kay. Katty, [Cut to Katty in another news set] how do they say good morning in the UK?

Katty Kay: Good morning.

Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika at the left side and Katty on the right side] Ooh-la-la.

Mika Brzezinski: That’s sophisticated.

Joe Scarborough: Fancy. And I understand you have a huge scoop on Trump’s Moscow project?

Katty Kay: That’s right, Joe. We can now confirm that in July 2016, Donald Trump personally–

Joe Scarborough: [Interfering while Katty speaks] That’s coming up in a few minutes. Thanks, Katty. [Cut to Joe and Mika] And was that an amazing reception that we had this weekend?

Mika Brzezinski: It was wonderful.

Joe Scarborough: Did you like the food, Willie?

Willie Geist: [Cut to Willie] I was not invited.

Joe Scarborough: You were there in spirit, pal. Yep, that’s right, gang. She made an honest man out of– wow. No more living in sin or this guy.

Mika Brzezinski: Oh, my god. Were we really living in sin? You want to confess your sins?

[Cut to Joe and Mika face each other and tend to get intimate]

Joe Scarborough: Maybe I do. I’ve had impure thoughts.

Mika Brzezinski: Wow. Then maybe you need to say five hail Mikas.

Joe Scarborough: With pleasure.

[Cut to Willie looking awkward]

[Cut to Elijah looking awkward]

[Cut to Joe and Mika]

Let’s get to the news. The freshman class of 2018 just descended on Congress. And no one is making a bigger splash than a Democrat from New York Alexandria Oscasio-Cortez who joins us now.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: [Cut to Alexandria] Thank you Joe, Mika. Look at me. I’m different.

[Cut to Joe and Mika at the left side and Alexandria on the right side]

Joe Scarborough: Congratulations on your election victory.

Mika Brzezinski: Yeah, well, incredible. You’re only 29. You’ve overcome incredible odds to get a job in Congress.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Well, I’m a millennial. Getting any full-time job is overcoming incredible odds. I’m actually still working for test rabbit.

Joe Scarborough: A second job. You’re going to be pretty busy, Alexandria. You know I was in Congress, and trust me its tough over there.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Joe, [Cut to Alexandria] I worked as a bartender in a Mexican restaurant like 11 minutes ago. This job is a freaking breeze. We get Saturday and Sunday off. I can sit down whenever I want. Changing America’s health care system is going to be Nada.

Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika] Well, I’m glad you’re so optimistic. We’ve read you have gotten a few death threats since being elected.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: [Cut to Alexandria] Listen. I grew up riding the 6 train. I’m used to crazy people yellin, “I’m gonna kill you” for no reason. That’s not a death threat. That’s just a Tuesday in the Bronx. I was born for this.

Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika at the left side and Alexandria on the right side]

Alexandria Oscasio-Cortez thanks for joining us. You know, guys, [Cut to Joe and Mika] I’m still on a high from this weekend. I’m buzzing.

Mika Brzezinski: It was so us.

Joe Scarborough: It was. Sure was. We even wrote our own vows.

Mika Brzezinski: I vowed to hold you as tightly as I hold my java juice.

Joe Scarborough: That’s right. And damned if I didn’t vowed to please, squeeze and tease you.

Mika Brzezinski: And you slid a ring on my finger didn’t you?

Joe Scarborough:  I can slide a lot more than that.

[Cut to Joe and Mika face each other and tend to get intimate]

Mika Brzezinski: You’re vile.

Joe Scarborough: And you love it.

[Cut to Willie shaking his head looking awkward]

[Cut to Elijah looking awkward]

[Cut to Joe and Mika]

Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski: Partisan politics. Partisan politics.

Joe Scarborough: That’s our safe word. Let’s get to the big story, Katty Kay joins us from Washington where she has breaking news on the Trump investigation. [Cut to Katty] Katty, what do you have for us?

Katty Kay: Joe, we now have definitive proof that Donald Trump ordered–

Joe Scarborough: [Interrupting in the middle while Katty speaks]

[Cut to Joe and Mika at the left side and Katty on the right side]

Because Katy, there’s smoke here and have no fire. Trump can tweet however he wants, but the truth will come out.

Mika Brzezinski: Truth always comes out.

Katty Kay: Indeed. And that’s why–

Joe Scarborough: [Interrupting Katty from speaking] I mean what’s this report going to tell us that we don’t know?

Mika Brzezinski: Nothing.

Joe Scarborough: What new evidence even needs to come out?

Katty Kay: It’s funny you should say that–

Joe Scarborough: [Interrupting Katty] I mean the guy surrounds himself with crooks. The only thing we’re missing is a true smoking gun.

Katty Kay: He’s not listening.

Joe Scarborough: And why do even need a smoking gun?

Katty Kay: I can say whatever I want.

Joe Scarborough: We already know this stuff.

Katty Kay: Donald trump a werewolf.

Joe Scarborough: There’s another bombshell every day.

Katty Kay: He’s a gay werewolf.

Joe Scarborough: I mean there’s nothing left to say.

Katty Kay: He’s a gay Mexican werewolf.

Joe Scarborough: Katty Kay, thanks for joining us, always insightful.

[Cut to Joe and Mika]

Mika Brzezinski: Wonderful. We’re going to take a break. Here’s more of Joe’s new song “The heartbeat of Georgetown.”

Joe Scarborough: Dig it!

[Outro plays]

HSN | Season 44 Episode 7

Male host… Kenan Thompson

Becky… Claire Foy

Tamara VanBurke… Cecily Strong

Charlene VanBurke… Aidy Bryant

[Intro of HSN playing]

[Cut to HSN hosts in their show set]

Kenan: Well, Becky, bad news, we have officially sold out of the Candace Cameron Bure [Cut to the book male host is holding] Full Body shape wear sets.

[Cut to Kenan and Becky]

Becky: I knew that would happen. They were too good to last.

Kenan: And you know who got the last pair? Me. I got ‘em on right now.

Becky: Oh, you little stinker. You look dynamite.

Kenan: They’re smashing my wiener. But I like the feeling, and I love the look.

Becky: All right. [Kenan throws the book away] Now, we are moving on to a brand new vendor here at “HSN.” Her name is Tamara VanBurke, and she’s going to be showing us her ‘Teeny Adorables.’

Kenan: Well, that’s right. Let’s get it out here.

[Tamara comes in]

Becky: Hi Tamara.

Kenan: Hey Tamara.

Becky: Good to have you.

Tamara VanBurke: Can I just say I’m having like a real fangirl moment. [Cut to Tamara] I watch you guys every day. Don’t be scared but I know like, everything about you.

[Cut to everbody]

Becky: Oh you are too sweet.

Kenan: Yeah, why don’t you tell us about your Teeny Adorables?

Tamara VanBurke: OKay. They’re very small. [Cut to Tamara] Just a little bigger than a tiny grain of rice. Sorry, my heart is beating so fast. They’re one of a kind, ceramic gifts. Guaranteed to be unique since I make only one of each kind. And there are over 800.

[Cut to everybody]

Becky: And you’re a one-woman operation? Amazing.

Tamara VanBurke: Yes, yes, [Cut to Tamara] it’s just me with tiny tweezers, little magnifying glasses, all night long for hours.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan: Wow, and you brought them all with you today?

Tamara VanBurke: Yes, I did. They’re right in my case. [Tamara looks behind and starts looking for her case] Where is—[Cut to Tamara] my god. Oh, no, oh, god. Oh god, I was– I was so excited about being here that I left them in the flipping Uber! I’m stinking idiot.

[Cut to everybody]

Becky: Okay. Okay, just hang on sweety.

Kenan: Yeah, maybe sounds like maybe you forgot those Teeny Adorables?

Tamara VanBurke: Maybe? No. I left them in the tea bag [Cut to Tamara. Tamara is pissed off] in Uber because I’m a stupid butthole bitch.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan: Okay, sweetie. Think you might be being a little hard on yourself.

Becky: If they’re in the Uber, maybe we can just give him a call.

Tamara VanBurke: No. No, [Cut to Tamara] I’m sure he’s got them. Because for some freaking reason I had to open my fat mouth and brag and tell him they were over $100,000. Why Hubris god, eat my ass to hell!

[Cut to Kenan and Becky]

Becky: Okay, well, [Cut to everybody] you know what sweetheart, I’ve seen these collectibles.

Tamara VanBurke: [Tamara leans her head on the table] Oh, bitch!

Becky:  And I think I can just tell everybody what they look like.

Tamara VanBurke: [Tamara losing control] Oh my brain sucks.

Becky: There’s one that looks like a tiny circle of camels just like for Jerusalem times.

Tamara VanBurke: God sucking loser!

Becky: And they’re just having the nicest little conversation.

Tamara VanBurke: Ass.

Kenan: Okay, all right, I think you’re starting to scare me a little bit.

Becky: Maybe we just need to—

Tamara VanBurke: Need to what, kill me? Oh, please, you know what? [Cut to Tamara] That would actually be a favor because frankly, I am too much of a little chicken dump to do it myself.

[Cut to Kenan and Becky]

Becky: Our phones are lighting up like crazy but remember folks, there’s nothing to buy.

Tamara VanBurke: Chicken dump loser!

[Charlene, Tamara’s mother, comes in on her wheelchair]

Charlene VanBurke: What the hell are you doing out here?

Tamara VanBurke: No, please mother, [Cut to everybody] do not pile on right now.

Kenan: So, this is your mother?

Becky: Well, that’s fine, isn’t it?

Charlene VanBurke: Well I told her she was incapable of [Cut to Charlene] handling stuff like this–

Tamara VanBurke: Mother get out of here.

Charlene VanBurke: [Cut to Tamara and Charlene] She can’t focus because she has no concentration.

Tamara VanBurke: Oh god, crack ass.

Charlene VanBurke: Her thoughts don’t connect to anything.

Tamara VanBurke: Oh my dumb ass, lie.

Charlene VanBurke: Now, did she tell you about her eyes?

Tamara VanBurke: Mother, stop!

Becky:  [[Cut to Kenan and Becky] What’s wrong with her eyes?

Tamara VanBurke: I can only [Cut to Tamara] see shadows!

Charlene VanBurke: Yes. [Cut to everybody] Yes, you ruined them making those dumb tiny things.

Tamara VanBurke: Oh, my dog balls, lie!

Charlene VanBurke: Yeah, [Cut to Tamara and Charlene] I sat behind her every night as she bent over those little Dodads.

Tamara VanBurke: Oh, crack my ass!

Charlene VanBurke: And I said, no one is ever, ever going to buy one of those little clowns. [Cut to everybody] And now she needs surgery, ‘cause her eyes are junk’.

Tamara VanBurke: Out! Get out! No! Don’t back up! Out! You out! Out! Out!

[Cut to Kenan and Becky]

Kenan: Well, this was great.

Becky: It sure was. [Cut to Kenan, Becky, and Tamara]And we wish you luck with your surgery.

Tamara VanBurke: No, no surgery! I was going to pay for it with the money I got from here.

Becky: Well, I’m sure you’ll figure it out.

Tamara VanBurke: Ass.

Kenan: All right, we’ll stick around because our next hour we’ll have Charlene VanBurke her big old adorables.

[Charlene comes in again with a toy that looks like snowman]

Tamara VanBurke: What? Mother!

Charlene VanBurke: My big adorables are cute and Christmasy, and I didn’t forget them.

[Cut to everybody]

Becky: So stay tuned right here to HSN, the homosexual shopping network.

Kenan: It’s home shopping network.

Becky: Is it? Okay. If you say so. We’ll be right back.

[HSN outro plays]

Steve Carell Returns to SNL Monologue

Audience….Kenan Thompson, Ellie Kemper, Ed Helms, Jenna Fisher, Nancy Carell (wife), Annie Carell (daughter), Johnny  Carell (son)

[Band playing music on the stage.]

Darrel Hammond (Announcer): Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Carell.

[Steve walks to the stage][Applause and cheers]

Steve: Hi, thank you very much. Thank you. Hello, I am so excited to be here tonight. It is my third time hosting “SNL” and thank you. It’s been a while. It’s been 10 years, and I have been pretty busy doing movies. I actually have one coming out really soon.

Woman from the audience: Steve, [Cut to a woman from the audience standing and asking question] hey, can I ask a question?

Steve: [Cut to Steve] Yeah, okay. Guess we’re doing questions. Sure.

Woman from the audience: [Cut to the woman from the audience] First of all, big fan. I love all of your movies.

Steve: [Cut to Steve] Oh, thank you.

Woman from the audience: [Cut to the woman from the audience] My question is, will you ever reboot “The Office”?

Steve: [Cut to Steve] No, actually, I don’t think so. It was a great experience. I love all of those people, but I just don’t think it’s the best idea. I think maybe we should just leave it alone. Okay. Next question. [Cut to the audience. Kenan also from the audience smiling and raising his hand to ask the question] Oh, yeah.

Kenan: Hey, Steve.

Steve: Hey. Are you [Cut to Kenan, nodding his head] Kenan or are you playing a fake audience member?

Kenan: I am Kenan. Believe me, dude, if I was acting, you would know it. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I also think you should reboot “The Office.”

Steve: Thanks, Okay. You know what, it would be like if someone wanted you to reboot “Kenan and Kel.” Right? [Cut to Kenan thinking]

Kenan: That would be an honor. [Cheers and applause]

Steve: [Cut to Steve] Fine. No, I get that. Just I don’t think it would be as good this time around. But thank you for that. Next question.

Ellie: [Cut to Ellie talking from the audience] Yes, hi Steve.

Steve: [Cut to Steve] Oh, Hi! Ellie Kemper. [Cut to Ellie] Wow, Hi!

Ellie: Hi. People would really love to see an “Office” reboot. Yes. Especially me. I need that money. Let’s get that money, Steve!

Steve: [Cut to Steve] I’m sorry, Ellie, I just don’t think it’s a good idea.

Ellie: [Cut to Ellie] You’re a jerk. [Ellie sits down]

Steve: Okay.

Ed: [Cut to Ed in the audience] Hey, Steve.

Steve: Hey, Ed Helms. Hi. Wow! Ed Helms.

Ed: It’s so great to see you.

Steve: [Cut to Steve] It’s great to see you too.

Ed: [Cut to Ed] Yes, so, I just don’t think you understand just how much money we’re talking about. Like, you wouldn’t have to do all of those sad movies anymore.

Steve: [Cut to Steve] I don’t do those movies for money, I like doing them.

Woman from the audience: [Cut to the woman from the audience] Yeah, but you could all make some serious money.

Steve: [Cut to Steve] Okay. You’re an audience member; this isn’t about you. And Ed, why don’t we just have a party instead? We can all catch up, get together. NO cameras, just friends?

Ed: [Cut to Ed] Oh we already do that. We just don’t invite you.

Steve: [Cut to Steve] Okay. Wow, all right. Thanks, man.

Jenna: Steve. [Cut to Jenna in the audience]

Steve: Jenna!

Jenna: Steve, do you remember the last words that Pam secretly whispered to Michael as she left for Denver?

Steve: [Cut to Steve] Not really.

Jenna: [Cut to Jenna] Okay. She said, “Steve, don’t be a dick, do the Reboot.”

Steve: [Cut to Steve] I don’t remember that at all.

Jenna: [Cut to Jenna] Well I do. Don’t you want to see what Pam and Jeff are up to these days?

Steve: [Cut to Steve] It’s Pam and Jim.

Jenna: [Cut to Jenna] Who cares? Why are you getting hung up on the details? Let’s just do the damn thing.

Steve: [Cut to Steve] No, Jenna, please I just don’t want—

Nancy: Honey, [Steve is searching for the speaker] [Cut to Nancy] honey.

Steve: Oh, it’s my wife, Nancy, and my kids. [Cut to Steve] Hi, guy! [Cut to Annie and Johnny and Nancy] Annie and Johnny and Nancy, say hi.

Nancy: Hi. We think you should probably do the show.

Steve: [Cut to Steve] Honey, I just don’t want to spend that much time away from you guys.

Nancy: [Cut to Annie and Johnny and Nancy] Well, we don’t really need you to hand around anymore, right, kids? We’re good.

Steve: Are you serious? [Cut to Steve]

Nancy: [Cut to Annie and Johnny and Nancy] Yeah, we’re fine. No problem. Hey, you guys want to go? Let’s go.

Steve: [Cut to Steve] Where are you– Are you not even going to watch the show?

Nancy: No, see you later.

Steve: Okay, all right. Well, thanks. Feels like everybody wants this to happen. Do you guys want to see an “Office” Reboot? Is that what’s–

[Crowd cheering “Yes”]

Come on up on stage. [SNL members coming up on the stage] All right. No, no, not you. You’re not a part of this. All right, I’m proud to announce officially that we have a great show Tonight! Ella Mai is here. Stick around, and we’ll be right back!

Space Thanksgiving | Season 44 Episode 6

Ruler TA (Tate) of Klurds…Kenan Thompson

Tutrisha (TA’s Daughter)…Melissa Villaseñor

Kern….Pete Davidson

Earth space travelers….Steve Carell, Beck Bennet, Cecily Strong, Leslie Jones

[Starting with a shot of outer space station]

Beck: Will the aliens be joining us for our [four astronauts getting ready for thanksgiving dinner] thanksgiving feast?

Cecily: Oh, you mean the Klergs? Yeah.

Captain: Good, I look forward to sampling some of the products here on Argos-9. [Cut to Linda and Captain]

Linda: I love exotic foods.

Captain: Oh, look, it’s the Klergs. [Cut to everyone sitting in the dining hall, the Klergs are entering from the door with food]

TA: [Cut to TA and Tutrisha] Greetings, people of earth. I am ruler TA, short for Tank.

Tutrisha: Father, should I offer them the kern?

TA: Yes, Tutrisha, [Cut to everyone sitting in the dining hall] offer them other kern.

Captain: Kern, what is cern?

Linda: Oh, it looks like out corn [Cut to Linda and Beck] but its purple.

TA: [Cut to TA and Tutrisha] Yes, our Kern is much like your corn. It has lots of tiny, delicious cornels on it.

Captain: [Cut to Captain] Oh, you mean Kernels?

TA: [Cut to TA and Tutrisha] No, your corn has kernels, but our kern has cornels.

Cecily: [Cut to Captain and Cecelia] What a small fascinating universe.

TA: [Cut to TA and Tutrisha] It is customary for visitor to partake of our kern.

Tutrisha: It’s for good fortune.

Captain: [Cut to Captain and Cecelia] I guess this is the famous Klerg hospitality we’ve heard so much about. I can’t wait to enjoy the tasty cornels of kern. [Captain takes a bite]

Kern: [Cut to Kern with a face speaking] No, don’t eat me! This hurts me!

Captain: [Cut to Captain and Cecelia] Is it kern talking?

Cecily: Is it alive [Cut to TA and Tutrisha] right now?

TA: No, these are just the kern sounds.

Tutrisha: The sound the kern makes.

Linda: [Cut to Linda and Beck] It’s delicious, y’all!

Kern: [Cut to Kern with a face speaking] Ow, the pain lady! Please stop eating me!

Captain: [Cut to Linda and Beck] Linda, stop eating the kern.

Linda: Just one more bite.

Kern: [Cut to Kern with a face speaking] This hurts like hell. Stop.

Captain: [Cut to Captain and Linda] Linda, please it may be conscious!

Linda: Sorry, it reminds me of my earth picnics, of eating corn on the cob.

TA: [Cut to TA and Tutrisha] You mean kern on the curb?

Captain: [Cut to Captain and Linda] I want to try to communicate with it.

TA: [Cut to TA and Tutrisha] Why? It has no errs to herr. [Referring as to ‘ears to hear’]

Captain: [Cut to everyone sitting in the dining hall] Please, let me try. Hello, [Cut to Captain, Linda and Cecelia] can you hear me? Are you okay?

Kern: [Cut to Kern with a face speaking] Help us. The Klergs are trying to destroy our race. We can’t run from him because we don’t have the lergs okay? Lergs!

Captain: [Cut to everyone sitting in the dining hall] Excuse us TA, I need to speak to my crew. [Cut to humans whispering] The kern said it has no lergs to run from the klergs.

Beck: TA told us it’s customary to eat the cornels from the kern.

Cecily: But actually we’re helping the klergs wipe out the kern.

Linda: What do we do?

Captain: Follow me lead. I have a plan. Ruler TA.

TA: More kern, captain?

Captain: Oh, [Cut to TA and Tutrisha] Hell yes. [Cut to humans] Who cares about some kern. Let’s enjoy this thanksgiving.

TA: [Cut to everyone sitting in the dining hall] Oh, well tomorrow I will show you around the planot.

Linda: Captain, this kern is crazy delicious!

Kern: Hey bitch! I said stop. [Cut to Kern with a face speaking] Bitch I said stop. : [Cut to everyone sitting in the dining hall]

Beck: It’s good, right?

TA: Bye bye.

Beck: Is it good?

Captain: Let’s all eat! Everyone, let’s eat the kern! [Cut to the shot of outer space station]

 

GP Yass | Season 44 Episode 6

Husband….Steve Carell

Wife….Heidi Gardner

GPS Voice (American Male)….Kenan Thompson

[A car is driving on a highway][Cut to husband and wife inside the car, husband driving]

Normal GPS voice: You will reach your destination [Cut to GPS device] in six hours.

Husband: This is the worst, [Cut to husband and wife] miles of gray highway with this [Cut to husband] monotone lady giving directions.

Wife: How about [Cut to wife] we switch modes on the GPS?

Husband:  [Cut to husband] Switch modes?

Wife: [Cut to wife] Yeah, look, there’s American male, American female, and [Cut to GPS device] this one, drag entertainer.

Husband: [Cut to husband and wife] Well, that sounds unusual and fun. [Cut to GPS device][Wife turns on drag entertainer][Disco lights and music starts inside the car]

Speaker 4: Yes, queen, [Cut to husband surprised] [Cut to wife enjoying] I’m gagging on this scenic byway I’m giving you. [Cut to GPS device]

Speaker 5: [Cut to GP-YAS commercial] Introducing GP-YAS, with the popularity of RuPaul’s drag race, Garmen has extended our voice options to include drag entertainers. Let GP-YAS [Cut to husband and wife] turn your unstimulating trip into a sickening one.

Wife: Look, honey, the icon for the car is a [Cut to GPS device] glamour link fingernail.

Speaker 6: [Cut to three characters of GP-YAS] Entering school zone!

Speaker 4: Bitch, slow your ass down [Cut to husband and wife], so you don’t squash a child flat like a squirrel. [Cut to husband surprised]

Wife: [Cut to wife] Even the warnings are enjoyable.

Husband: [Cut to husband] I can’t see the map, but don’t care.

Speaker 5: [Cut to three male strippers dancing] GP-YAS keeps updated on traffic alerts [Cut to wife enjoying] and disaster areas.

Speaker 6: [Cut to three GP-YAS characters] Disaster area up ahead!

Speaker 7: It’s a damn mess.

Wife: [Cut to husband and wife] Oh, honey, I think you missed the exit.

Speaker 4: [Cut to GPS device] Turn around. Turn around!

Husband: [Cut to husband] You go, girl. What did I say?

Speaker 7: You arrived!

Speaker 8: [Cut to the stage of SNL, a singer is performing]Just make it fun and free [husband and wife get out of the car and joins in the stage dancing] you’re gonna live forever, follow me to the ends of the earth we’re going it together. Yes, yes. G to my P to my YAS!

Speaker 5: [GP-YAS commercial playing] GP-YAS, Sold in any town where there’s still a circuit city.