Tag: Kenan Thompson

Friends-giving | Season 44 Episode 6

Charles…Kenan Thompson

Beth….Kate McKinnon

[Starting with a house in a peaceful neighborhood]

Kenan Thompson: Oh, my goodness, the food looks [Cut to everybody having thanksgiving] and smells amazing.

Leslie Jones: Charles, you made it. Stop fishing for compliments.

Beck Bennett: Well it does look great!

Kate McKinnon: Yeah, what are we waiting for? Let’s eat.

Cecily Strong: Oh guys. [Cut to Cecily and Steve] Thanks again for letting your new neighbor tag along to your Friendsgiving.

Steve Carell: Hey, I’m a straggler too.

Cecily Strong: Oh, cool.

Leslie Jones: [Cut to Leslie and Kenan] That’s what neighbors are for.

Steve Carell: Yeah, [Cut to Cecily and Steve] I’m secretly happy that my flight was canceled because I’m afraid of my parent’s dog. It’s like a poodle wolf, it knocks me down, and dominates me.

Kate McKinnon: [Cut to Kate and Beck] That’s weird. You know what I’ve been thinking about, there are no thanksgiving songs.

Leslie Jones: [Cut to Leslie and Kenan] Are there none?

Kenan Thompson: No, there are some. I mean what about “Coming around the mountain”?

Beck Bennett: Oh, [Cut to Kate and Beck] it’s not really a thanksgiving song.

Cecily Strong: No, [Cut to Cecily and Steve] what about the [Cecily starts humming the song]

Steve Carell: Oh yeah, like the rock song. [Steve starts humming]

Cecily Strong: Yeah [dug dug dug…]

Kate McKinnon: [Cut to Cecily and Beck] I guess that proves there’s no famous thanks giving songs.

Cecily Strong: No, no. [Cut to Cecily and Steve] This one’s famous. You know it.

Caught his eye on turkey day as we both bake pumpkin pie

Steve Carell: She flashed a little smile my way can she tell I am shy.

Cecily Strong: Yes, that’s it, yes! [Cut to Leslie and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah. No, I definitely don’t know that one. Why don’t we just eat?

Steve Carell: [Cut to Cecily and Steve] Oh no, you know it. Hey, you know what? Why don’t you sing the girl’s parts, and I’ll sing the guy’s parts.

Cecily Strong: Yeah, great, we’ll sing it and then they’ll know it.

Steve Carell: Yeah.

Leslie Jones: [Cut to Leslie and Kenan] You guys don’t have to do this. We don’t have to know.

Cecily Strong: [Cut to Cecily and Steve] I took his hand

Steve Carell: She took my hand

Together Cecily Strong and Steve Carell: We walked into the shed

Kate McKinnon: [Cut to Kate and Beck] And you two don’t know each other?

Together Cecily Strong and Steve Carell: [Cut to Cecily and Steve] No.

Our clothes came off we never said a word

Steve Carell: My thing got scared and my face got red

Leslie Jones: [Cut to Leslie and Kenan] This is not a thanksgiving song.

Cecily Strong: [Cut to Cecily and Steve] Why, what do you mean?

Steve Carell: No, well, it takes place on turkey day, it’s actually kind of a—

Together Cecily Strong and Steve Carell: Cool, sad story.

Kate McKinnon: [Cut to Kate and Beck] His thing got scared?

Cecily Strong: [Cut to Cecily and Steve] Yeah, cause he’s shy.

Beck Bennett: [Cut to Kate and Beck] Okay, we trust you, yeah, it’s a famous thanksgiving rock song.

Cecily Strong: [Cut to Cecily and Steve] You know it if you’d heard the music.

Steve Carell: Oh, you know what? I saw a synthesizer in the closet when I was hanging up my coat. Okay.

Kenan Thompson: You know what, [Cut to Cecily, Steve, Leslie and Kenan] I don’t think that has any batteries actually.

Cecily Strong: I have double As right here.

Steve Carell: Oh, perfect. [Cut to Cecily and Steve] You ready?

Cecily Strong: Yeah, yeah.

Cecily Strong: Side my side in the nude

That’s how we spent our night

Steve Carell: Never touching sometimes crying
pretending we’re all right

Cecily Strong: His thing woke up

Steve Carell: For just a sec

Together Cecily Strong and Steve Carell: But then got scared again [Cut to Leslie and Kenan]

Cecily Strong: The sun came up [Cut to Cecily and Steve] the squirrel walked in

Steve Carell: We laughed and cried again

Cecily Strong: Wait, then there’s a spoken part.

Steve Carell: Oh yeah.

Cecily Strong: “It’s morning, I have to go.”

Steve Carell: “But I’m embarrassed. I failed you!”

Kate McKinnon: [Cut to Kate and Beck] Are they German?

Kenan Thompson: [Cut to Leslie and Kenan] Yeah, they don’t even have thanksgiving there.

Cecily Strong: [Cut to Cecily and Steve] “You didn’t fail me. You tried your best, and I love you. Goodbye!”

Steve Carell: “Wait, what’s your name? Wow! What a turkey day night!”

I never saw her face again

Cecily Strong: And she never saw his thing

Steve Carell: Now every turkey day that comes

Together Cecily Strong, Steve Carell and Leslie Jones: [Leslie joins Cecily and Steve] They have this cool rock song to sing.

Kenan Thompson: Oh, so you know this?

Leslie Jones: Yes, I guess I do!

Beck Bennett: [Cut to Kate and Beck] Oh, wait, is it this? [Kate and Beck standing up]

Now every turkey day that comes

Kate McKinnon: They think of how they missed their chance

Kenan Thompson: [Cut to Kenan] Our lives are short, our love is real

Everybody: [Cut to everybody singing and dancing] Now we do the turkey dance

Our lives are short and love is real

Now we do the turkey dance.

Kenan Thompson: Wow, man I can’t believe we all knew that song.

Steve Carell: [Cut to Steve] Or maybe it was just the magic of thanksgiving. [Cut to everybody. Cecily is missing] Wait, where did she go? She’s gone. Just like the song.

Kenan Thompson: Where did you friend go Beth?

Kate McKinnon: [Cut to Beth and Beck] She wasn’t with me. I thought you knew her.

Beck Bennett: No.

Steve Carell: She was the love of my life.

Leslie Jones: Well, our car keys are gone.

Kate McKinnon: [Cut to Kate and Beck] And didn’t you have a TV there?

Beck Bennett: I think she stabbed me! Does that look like a stab?

Steve Carell: [Cut to Steve] Life is short and love is rare [Cut to everybody]

Leslie Jones: Stop singing, call the police!

Steve Carell: Now we do the turkey dance.

Beck Bennett: I’m bleeding real bad. I’m bleeding bad. Oh.

Midterm Ad | Season 44 Episode 4

Democrat 1…..Heidi Gardner

Democrat 2…..Beck Bennett

Democrat 3…..Kate McKinnon

Democrat 4…..Jonah Hill

Patient…..Kenan Thompson

Democrat 5…..Leslie Jones

Democrat 6…..Kyle Mooney

Democrat 7…..Pete Davidson

Democrat 8…..Aidy Bryant

[ Democrat 1, wearing a blue sweater, is raking leaves in her front yard while her two children are playing in the leaves. ]

Democrat 1: This Tuesday, November 6th, Democrats are bringing much needed changed to America. There’s a blue wave on the horizon, and I have never felt more confident. [ She raises a thumbs up but her hand is shaking, and she is smiling nervously. ]

[ Cut to Democrat 2 standing on sidewalk wearing a blue dress shirt and blue tie. ]

Democrat 2: The Democrats are taking back the House. It’s a win we need and a win we’re going to get. [ He raises his cup of coffee with a shaking hand popping the lid off the cup. ] I’m sure of it. [ He is shaking as he tries to take a sip while spilling coffee all over. ]

[ Cut to Democrat 3, in a blue collared top and blue apron, she is arranging flowers in her shop. Her hands are shaking violently, and petals are flying off her flowers as she tries to place them in the vase. ]

Democrat 3: They say don’t trust the polls, but I’m choosing to. We’re finally going to put this administration in check.

[ Cut to Democrat 4, a doctor wearing a lab coat and a blue sweater. He is standing with his patient. ]

Democrat 4: It’s been a minute, but we’re going to win. Nancy Pelosi just said so on Colbert. [ He grabs an oxygen mask and huffs the air. ]

[ Cut to Democrat 5 holding a kitty. ]

Democrat 5: White women promised to do the right thing this time. They’re not gonna let us down, right? [ The camera zooms in on the kitty who rolls its eyes and meows. ]

[ Cut to Democrat 2 back on the sidewalk. ]

Democrat 2: We’re gonna win! Yeah! [ He takes a joint out of the mouth of a passerby and smokes it. ]

[ Cut back to Democrat 3 in her flower shop. ]

Democrat 3: This ones in the bag. [ She is pouring liquor into a flower vase and then takes a large gulp from it. ]

[ Cut to Democrat 6 sitting on a park bench. ]

Democrat 6: Sorry, Republicans. This one goes to the, goes to the Democrats.

[ Cut back to Democrat 1 in her front yard. Her children are playing behind her. ]

Democrat 1: And once we win, will everything suddenly get better? No, there’s still a long, hard… KIDS! Go inside! [ She is yelling at her children. ] Mommy told you, go inside till Tuesday!

Kid 1: Till Tuesday?

Democrat 1: Just go the [bleep] inside!

[ Cut to Democrat 7 sitting with his mom, Democrat 8. ]

Democrat 7: Me and my friends can’t wait to vote. So we will see you at the polls, next Thursday.

Democrat 8: Tuesday.

Democrat 7: I know, mom. I’m kidding.

Democrat 8: It was not funny!! [ She slaps democrat 7 across the face. ]

[ Cut to Democrat 5 holding two kittens. ]

Democrat 5: So be part of the victory. Get out there and vote.

[ Cut to Democrat 4 with his patient in the examining room. He has his arm around the patient, and he is shaking him. ]

Democrat 4: Promise me, you’re gonna vote!

Patient: I am.

[ Cut to Democrat 2 on the sidewalk. He lifts his arms up to reveal that he is drenched in sweat. ]

Democrat 2: It feels pretty good!

[ Cut to Democrat 1 sitting on her front lawn. She throws some leaves in the air. ]

Democrat 1: We’re gonna win! [ Her two kids peak out the front door. ] Stay in there!!!

[ Cut to Democrat 8 shaking Democrat 7 who is holding his face where he was slapped. ]

Democrat 8: We’re gonna win.

[ Cut to Democrat 3. She is slamming a thumbs up on the table in her flower shop and is visibly drunk. ]

Democrat 3: We got this. [ She screams, and as her scream gets louder, she breaks all the glass in her shop window. ]

[ Cut to title screen that reads, “VOTE! PLEASE?” There is a graphic of a red, white, and blue donkey with a nervous look on his face next to the words. ]

Jonah Hill Five-Timers Monologue | Season 44 Episode 4

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

…..Jonah Hill

…..Tina Fey

…..Drew Barrymore

…..Candice Bergen

…..Kenan Thompson

[ The SNL main stage where the house band is playing. ]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jonah Hill.

[ Jonah Hill walks out to center stage. ]

Jonah: Hey. Thank you, thank you. Thank you very much. I am so thrilled to be back here at Saturday Night Live hosting for more my fifth time. That’s right. TOnight I am joining the five-timers club among SNL royalty, like, Tom Hanks, Steve Martin, Justin Timberlake. I mean this has been a dream of mine since the fourth time I hosted. But I am honestly looking forward to getting the five-timers jacket. Maybe there’s matching pants, I don’t know.

[ Tina Fey walks onto stage. ]

Tina Fey: Hey Jonah! [ They greet with a hug and cheek kisses. ] Okay. It’s a big night. Wow, you look so nice. Don’t mind me. Was it hard walking down here in your heels? No, just me? Anyway, welcome to the Five-Timers Club.

Jonah: Oh my God, thank you fellow five-timer.

Tina Fey: Ahh, don’t say it, just be it. And listen when we get to the five-timers lounge, just, be cool.

Jonah: Oh my God, we’re going to the five-timers lounge?

Tina Fey: Jonah! [ She motions for him to take it down a notch. ]

Jonah: Right, sorry. Let’s go. You got it. [ They walk off stage together. ]

[ Cut to a door that says ‘Five Timers Club’ on it. ]

[ Jonah and Tina Fey walk through the door into the lounge. ]

Tina Fey: Alright, Jonah. Here it is, the Five-Timers Club.

[ Drew Barrymore and Candice Bergen are waiting in the lounge wearing Five-Timers blazers like the one Tina Fey has on. ]

Jonah: Wow, Drew Barrymore, Candice Bergen, I can’t believe it. Amazing.

Drew Barrymore: You get your butt in here, Jonah.

Candice Bergen: Welcome to the Five-Timers Club, Seth.

Jonah: Oh no, I’m not Seth Rogen. No, I’m actually Jonah Hill.

Candice: And that’s not the same guy?

Jonah: Ha, ha. Hazing the new guy. I know you’re very familiar with my work, Candy.

Candice: Sure.

Jonah: So it’s, uh, kind of a light turn-out is it? Ladies night or something?

Drew: What do you mean?

Jonah: No, I…I was just, like, wondering where, where all the men are?

Tina: Oh the guys? Oh they’re not allowed in right now ‘cause it turns out they’re all a bunch of horny perverts. Time’s up on that.

Drew: Yeah, we have to be very careful about which famous men we let in here.

Jonah: You’re kidding, yeah?

Drew: It’s like Tom Hanks, Woody from Toy Story. [ She imitates Woody. ] “There’s a snake in my boot.” Yeah, I think we all know what that means.

Tina: And Steve Martin was always like, ‘Mind if I play the banjo?’ And then he would just like start playing. Like, no consent.

Candice: And Justin Timberlake ripped a lady’s top off at the Super Bowl. I mean, did anybody else see that?

Jonah: Bummer. Hey, this is still great. This is still good.

Drew: Alright, let’s get this party started. Do you wants something to drink?

Candice: Oh, hey. Uh, or smoke?

Jonah: No, I’m good. I’m about to host. I want to stay sharp for the show.

Candice: Ha ha. Cool, nerd. Uh, last time I hosted, I was blacked out. Oh speaking of which, I need a refill. Uh, can I get another Pete Davidson, please.

Jonah: What’s a Pete Davidson?

Candice: Well, all I know is it’s got a lot going on but it gets the job done.

[ Kenan Thompson walks out holding a drink. ]

Kenan: Here you go Candy.

Candice: Thanks, Kenan.

Jonah: Wait, Kenan, they let you in here sometimes?

Kenan: Ha, yeah man, this is my show. I let you in here sometimes. [ He takes Candice’s empty glass and walks off stage. ]

Drew: Alright, Jonah, in honor of you we all chose our favorite sketch of yours. [ She grabs a remote and points it at the TV. ]

[ Cut to a sketch between Jonah and Cecily Strong. ]

Jonah (sketch): Okay, okay, okay. I did it. I clogged the toilet and then later in the day, I went on top of the clog.

Jonah: I did more than just bathroom humor.

Candice: But that’s where you shined.

Jonah: You guys are so fun. I am so excited. I just want a jacket right now.

Drew: Wait, you wanna do what?

Jonah: No, no! I want a jacket. A jack-et. A Five-Timers Jack-et!

Tina: Jonah, you gotta be careful. Alright, let’s get this guy a jacket.

Candice: Uh, Kenan! [ Kenan walks back on stage with a Five-Timers jacket. ]

Drew: And you’re in luck, because, uh. We just came up with a brand new design this year. [ Kenan removes Jonah’s jacket and puts the new jacket on Jonah. ]

Jonah: Oh wow. [ The jacket is like the others but with a lot more sequins. ]

Tina: Yes, yes. [ She helps Jonah button the jacket. ] It’s official. Let’s make it official.

Jonah: Is this, is this like a women’s jacket?

Tina: Any jacket can be a women’s jacket. It’s 2018. Okay? Plus, it looks really cute on you.

Jonah: Is it like flattering?

Drew: Are you kidding? You’re crushing it.

Candice: I’d hit that.

Jonah: Wow, thank you, Candy. I’m truly excited. We got a great show for you here tonight. Maggie Rogers is here. Just stick around and we’ll be right back.

Dog Infomercial | Season 44 Episode 4

Sonja Vegamonté…..Cecily Strong

Damien Regulanté…..Jonah Hill

Ma…..Aidy Bryant

Z…..Kyle Mooney

Dana…..Kenan Thompson

[ Sonja and Damien are speaking to the camera. There are various sketches of pugs hanging on the wall behind them. ]

Sonja: Hi, I’m Sonja Vegamonté.

Damien: And I’m a domestic partner, Damien Regulanté. If you’re anything like us, you breed pugs.

Sonja: But you wish they were more handsome and refined looking. I mean, he he, look at this one. [ She is handed a pug. ] Look how ugly this one’s face is.

Damien: He knows it, too.

Sonja: Yeah.

Damien: He’s bald. What’s the answer? I don’t need to tell you. You know. It’s pug wigs.

Sonja: Yeah, but where do you get one? Right here, at our flagship store, Pug Wigs!

[ Cut to Damien and Sonja walking out in front of a display of various wigs on shelves. ]

Damien: Look at all of this. We got so many wigs; I get sick of it.

Sonja: When you put one of our wigs on your pug, you go from zero to ten, in a flash. Ma, bring out the first model.

[ Cut to Ma walking out holding a pug in a curly blonde wig. ]

Ma: Alright, this pug’s name is Magnolia.

Damien: Magnolia is sporting the wig from our Legends of Cinema Line.

Sonja: This is, of course, the Marilyn Monroe.

Ma: Yeah, Magnolia used to be a solid two. But with this wig, she looks like she’s ready to get mixed up in a presidential scandal. Sleeping with the President.

Sonja: Mmmhmm. He he.

Ma: Oh, hell yes. She can sleep with the President in this wig.

Sonja: Yeah.

Damien: Yeah, that pug is so sexy delicious now.

Sonja: Oh wow, now all the boy pugs wants to jump her bones, now even though she got nothing to give down there. Let’s go Ma, let’s go. [ She ushers Ma off the stage with the pug. ]

Damien: Time for more pugs. Oh, look who decided to join us, my son Z, back from the drug hotel.

[ Z walks onto the stage holding a pug wearing a wig with the classic Rachel look. ]

Z: My parents make wigs for dogs, it could’ve been way worse.

Damien: Show off your pug.

Z: Alright, this is Harriet. She’s sporting a ‘Rachel Green’ from Friends. She’s America’s sweetheart. [ He sings to the tune of Friends theme song. ] But no one told you that your pug could look this great.. [ He does the clap from the Friends theme song. ]

Damien: That is one fresh looking girl-next-door pug. Very dateable.

[ Z walks off the stage with the pug. ]

Damien: Next we have Denise with Humphrey.

[ Ma (Denise) walks back onto the stage holding a pug wearing a frizzy blonde wig. ]

Ma (Denise): Yes, and Humphrey is rockin’ an Ed Sheeran wig. Look how contemporary he looks.

Damien: [ He sings to the tune of ‘Shape of You’ by Ed Sheeran. ] He’s in love with the shape of his pug wig… And next is my wonderful partner, Sonja [ Ma walks off stage with the pug. ] accompanied by Olive. Yes.

[ Sonja walks back on stage with a pug wearing a messy light brunette wig. ]

Sonja: Yes, she is feeling her confidence in this Tina Turner wig. From our Vintage Diva Line. Wow, look at the height in this.

Sonja and Damien: [ They sing together. ] What’s love got to do, got to do with it…?

Damien: I’ll tell you what, everything.

Sonja: Okay, we have so much more, like [ Cut to a pug wearing a short black wig. The screen reads ‘Liza Minnelli.’ ] Liza Minnelli.

Damien: Troye Sivan. [ Cut to a pug wearing a combed over the white-haired wig. The screen reads ‘Troye Sivan.’ ]

Sonja: Larry David. [ Cut to a pug wearing a wig that is only on the sides of his head in grey and white. The screen reads ‘Larry David.’ ]

Damien: A Wall Street type. [ Cut to a pug wearing a wig that is dark grey comb-over. The screen reads ‘Wall Street Type.’ ]

Sonja: Hip-hop. [ Cut to a pug wearing a wig that is a brunette flat-top afro. The screen reads ‘Hip Hop.’ ]

Damien: Post Malone. [ Cut to a pug wearing a wig that is curly short brown hair. The screen reads ‘Post Malone.’ ]

Sonja: And, Lady Diana. [ Cut to a pug wearing a wig that is blonde and side swept. The screen reads ‘Lady Diana.’ ] Awwww.

Damien: This is a legit business people.

Sonja: Yeah, it’s not a front for anything, so.

Damien: And make sure to check out our sister store. Dana, tell them about it.

[ Dana walks to holding two pugs wearing beard wigs. ]

Dana: My pleasure. If your boy pugs want facial hair, bring them by my shop, Dana Simpson’s Boy Pug Beard and Goatee. Frederick is rocking a ZZ Top and Tex here is looking crazy handsome in a brand new Wolf Blitzer. [ He walks off stage with the pugs. ]

Damien: Thanks, Dana. So come to Pug Wigs, just pugs and wigs for their bald heads.

Sonja: Yeah, so Ma. Take us out with a song.

[ Music starts to play, and Ma comes back on stage. ]

Ma: You got a fugly pug? Put a rug on that pug. [ She scats. ] Pug Wigs.

 

KCR News | Season 44 Episode 4

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

Tina Shepard…..Leslie Jones

Blake Boyhair…..Kenan Thompson

Drew Mellencamp…..Cecily Strong

Matt…..Jonah Hill

Terry…..Aidy Bryant

[ KCR News intro. ]

Announcer: You’re watching KCR News on KCR 1. And now, back to Albany’s favorite news team. Tina Shepard and Blake Boyhair.

[ Cut to KCR news desk where Tina and Blake are sitting and chuckling. ]

Blake: Oh, welcome back, folks. Tina and I are laughing because she drew a very realistic penis right on the desk.

Tina: He dared me. He dared me.

Blake: Actually, I asked you not to do it. [ Tina is laughing hysterically. ] Anyway, let’s go to Drew Mellencamp with the weather. Drew, what’s up?

[ Cut to Drew. ]

Drew: Hey guys. Get this. So, I was running late as usual. I was driving here, and out of nowhere, I hit somebody.

Tina: What?!

Blake: Are they okay?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s fine. The car’s a Volvo. The thing’s a freakin’ tank. Yeah, yeah, it’s all good. But unfortunately, I do have some bad news. It looks like that cold front is heading our way.

Tina & Blake: Drew!

Tina: How could you?

Blake: Don’t do that to us!

Drew: Sorry guys. It’s not getting any warmer anytime soon.

[ Matt walks onto the stage next to Drew holding a bouquet. ]

Matt: I think, I have just the thing to warm things up.

Drew: What? Matt, why are you at my work?

Tina: [ She looks shocked. ] Is this…?

Blake: I think it is. [ He looks excited. ] I hope I don’t cry.

Tina: I hope you don’t either.

Matt: Baby, I know I’m not the smartest guy on Earth. I know I don’t have a job at the moment, or for the past two years. But none of this matters, because being with you the past six months.

Drew: Three months.

Matt: It’s six, baby.

Drew: No, it’s three. Because we were not exclusive the first three.

Matt: You were not, I was. The point is, you’re the best damn thing that has ever happened to me. So, I have one thing to ask you…

Drew: My answer is no.

Matt: You don’t even know what I’m going to ask.

Drew: No, I do. And you promised you wouldn’t, so don’t…

Matt: Here we go, I know you’re scared.

Drew: Stop.

Matt: So that’s why [ He gets down on one knee and presents her with the bouquet. ]

Stop.

Matt: I had to spring it

Drew: Stand up.

Matt: on you baby.

Drew: No-oh. I’m gonna do the weather now. [ She walks away from Matt who is kneeled before her. She walks away and in front of a green screen which is displaying the 5-Day Forecast. ] So. Weather. That cold front from Canada hits us on.. [ Hip-hop music begins to play. ] What is this music? This better not be music for a rap.

[ Matt walks up to Drew, and since he is wearing a green shirt his body disappears in front of the green screen. He is only a head and a hand holding the bouquet. ]

Matt: [ He begins to rap. ] I have a forecast for the rest of my life. Partly happy, with a chance of man and wife.

Blake: Oh no, he chose to wear green.

Tina: And he’s in front of the green screen. He just looks like a floating head.

Matt: So Drew, what you gonna do? Say yes. What you gonna do?

Drew: Oh, Matt. [ She does not look pleased. ]

Matt: Baby, look at the screen. Look what it says. [ The words ‘MARY ME’ appear on the screen below Drew and Matt. ]

Drew: Matt, you spelled marry wrong.

Matt: What do you mean?

Drew: You spelled it like the name.

Matt: I was in a rush. I was excited.

Drew: Matt, you promised not to do this. Especially on TV, at my job.

Matt: I know, but it’s called crossing your fingers, dummy. And I’m not the only one who thinks it’s a great idea. Your mom, Terry, is totally on board.

Drew: Terry? Are you talking about my birth mother who’s in jail?

Matt: Not since Friday!

[ Terry walks onto the stage between Drew and Matt. She is wearing a dirty sweatshirt. ]

Terry: Hey sweetie. How’s it going?

Drew: You’re not allowed to have…

Terry: Nah, let me have a hug.

Drew: No, you can’t have any contact.

Terry: Come on. Could I have four hundred bux?

Drew: No!

Terry: Alright, well then good luck being married to this bitch. [ Terry walks off the stage. ]

Matt: I can’t wait. Come on, baby. I’m just a guy, standing here on Wednesday, asking my favorite weather gal to marry him. So what do you say?

Drew: No, Matt. I’m sorry. I’m just gonna push through with the weather. So, I’m sorry. I’m’… So, as you can see it’s mostly cloudy and cool at the beginning of the week. Damn it, Matt. Matt, wait!

[ Drew runs away from the green screen to the front of the news desk, where Tina and Blake are sitting, greeting Matt. ]

Drew: Yes! Yes, you big dummy. Of course, I’ll marry you. The reason I didn’t want you to ask me on air, was because I wanted to ask you on air.

Matt: Are you serious?

Drew: Umm, does this look serious? Guys, come out. [ Tina and Blake stand up. They are wearing shirts that read, ‘He Said YES.’ Dancers waltz out behind the newscasters. ]

Matt: Oh my God. Are they about to sing? [ Music is playing, ‘Colors of the Wind.’ ]

Drew: You’re favorite song, ‘Colors of the Wind,’ from Pocahontas. Yes.

Blake: [ He begins to sing and red balloons fall from the ceiling. ] Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon?

Matt: You did all this for me?

Blake: Or ask the grinning bobcat why he grins?

Drew: Of course, why else wouldn’t I just say yes immediately?

Blake: Can you sing with all the voices of the mountains?

Tina: Up next, police searching for a female driver of a Volvo suspected in a hit-and-run. But isn’t this beautiful?

Blake: Can you paint with all the colors…

[ Cut to KCR News Albany outro. ]

Weekend Update: David Ortiz on Red Sox’s World Series Win | Season 44 Episode 4

…..Colin Jost

…..Michael Che

David Ortiz…..Kenan Thompson

[ Colin Jost is sitting at the news desk. ]

COLIN JOST: In the world of sports, the Boston Red Sox beat the Los Angeles Dodgers in the World Series. Easy. Easy. Here to comment is former Red Sox slugger, Big Papi himself, David Ortiz.

[ David Ortiz slides in to sit next to Colin at the news desk. He is wearing a Red Sox t-shirt. ]

David Ortiz: Yo, yo, yo, yo. Woooo! Como estas, el Jost? Ahh, those Red Sox son los campeones del mundo!

COLIN JOST: Yeah, that’s right, champions of the world!

David Ortiz: Shut up! You no translate!

COLIN JOST: Okay, I’m sorry. Sorry.

David Ortiz: The Red Sox won another World Series man. And you know how we celebrate in Boston?

COLIN JOST: You had a big parade, right?

David Ortiz: We had a big lunch.

COLIN JOST: There was a lunch?

David Ortiz: Yeah. The whole city eat a big Dominican lunch. With Big Papi!

COLIN JOST: And then, what sort of lunch…?

David Ortiz: [ Speaking in Spanish about the meal. He mentions steak and clam chili. ] And then for Halloween, we finish it all off with a slice of pumplikan pie.

COLIN JOST: I’m sorry, pumplikan?

David Ortiz: Yeah, that’s when a pelican eat a pumpkin, and then you eat the pelican. It’s a spooky.

COLIN JOST: Okay, and did you celebrate with the other players after the game?

David Ortiz: Oh yeah bro. Everyone in the locker room was spraying each other with something. I think you know what it is.

COLIN JOST: Oh, oh, mofongo?

David Ortiz: No. Champagne, man. Mofongo, man, don’t be racist.

COLIN JOST: Alright. Well the ratings for the World Series were down this year. Why do you think that is?

David Ortiz: Well, because nobody know who these Red Sox players are, man. But everybody knows Big Papi. Because I became a spokesman.

COLIN JOST: Oh yeah, that’s right. You do ads or a bunch of different products, right?

David Ortiz: No, no, no. I do ads for spokes. [ An advertisement for wheel spokes appears below David on the screen. ] ‘You got a wheel? But you don’t know how to connect it to your bike? Use spokes, man! They’re like tiny little crutches for your wheel.’

COLIN JOST: So that’s an ad just for the general idea of spokes?

David Ortiz: Yeah, man. It’s like the concept, bro. And I do ad for Apple Watch, too.

COLIN JOST: Apple Watch.

David Ortiz: [ And ad for Apple Watch appears below David on the screen. It is an image of an apple and then the word ‘watch.’ ] ‘Apple Watch. You go to watch your apples. Or a monkey is going to steal them. So use Apple Watch instead, use a gun.’

COLIN JOST: You protect your apples with a gun?

David Ortiz: Yeah, bro. You can eat apples with anything man. Monfongo. [ He names other dishes in what sounds like Spanish with a heavy Puerto Rican accent. ] Funnel Cake de salmon.

COLIN JOST: Wait, I’m sorry. Funnel Cake with salmon?

David Ortiz: Yeah, man. It make your dreams loco. Oh, and! Did you see my ad for bitcoin?

COLIN JOST: For bitcoin? No, no.

David Ortiz: [ An ad for Bitcoin appears below David on the screen. ] ‘You got a coin? But you don’t know if it’s gold or chocolate? Well if you bit coin, then you know.’ It’s what the pirates do in the movies, man. You know what I’m saying?

COLIN JOST: Yeah, yeah.

David Ortiz: And do you ever see the people who smoke the little vape pens?

COLIN JOST: Yeah, vape pens.

David Ortiz: Because I do an ad for Juul. [ An ad for Juul appears below David on the screen. ] ‘Juul. If you run around sucking on a vape pen, Juul look like a dumb ass, man.

COLIN JOST: Big Papi, everyone! Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

MICHAEL CHE: And I’m Michael Che, good night!

David Ortiz: Big Papi! Hey!

Caravan Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 4

Laura Ingraham…..Kate Mckinnon

Judge Jeanine Pirro…..Cecily Strong

David Clarke…..Kenan Thompson

[ Intro for The Ingraham Angle on Fox News. ]

[ Cut to Laura Ingraham. ]

Laura: Good evening, I’m Laura Ingraham. And, just to quickly respond to all of my fan mail, ‘No, you’re an a-hole.’ Tonight, we’re live from the Arizona border, where a vicious caravan of dozens, maybe millions, of illegal immigrants is headed straight for you and your grandchildren. And that is not fear mongering, that is just [ Cut to an image of a scary zombie woman reaching for the viewer. A deep voice mutters ‘immigrants.’ ] the truth. Thankfully, we have a president who actually protects America. President Trump, seen her in a new official portrait, [ Cut to an image of Trump in raccoon skin hat, pasted onto a muscular shirtless body, carrying a machete knife, and wearing camouflage army pants. Behind him is painted various Mexicans in sombreros the US flag. ] has sent thousands of troops to the border to stop the caravan. Of course, the liberal media is trying to label President Trump, a racist. But except for his words and actions throughout his life, how is he racist? All of a sudden the term, “nationalist,” is bad. The word, “white,” is bad. The phrase, “white nationalist’, is bad. When I hear the phrase, ‘white nationalist”, I just think of a fun fourth of July barbecue. The kind you don’t have to call the cops on. Now let’s find out what’s really happening with this caravan. Joining me is the host of her own show here on Fox News, Judge Jeanine Pirro.

[ Cut to Jeanine Pirro. ]

Jeanine: It’s an absolute disgrace!

[ Cut to split screen interview between Laura and Jeanine. ]

Laura: What is?

Jeanine: Just whatever you’re talking about.

Laura: Now Judge Pirro, what have you heard about the caravan?

Jeanine: I haven’t just heard about it, I’ve seen it with my own eyes. Take a look at this footage of the caravan from earlier today.

[ Cut to a crowd of people rushing a Walmart on a Black Friday sale event. ]

[ Cut back to the split screen interview. ]

Laura: My God. And that is real footage of the caravan?

Jeanine: It has to be real, I found it on Trutheagle.gun.

Laura: And who is in this caravan?

Jeanine: Everyone you ever seen in your nightmares, Laura. It’s got Guatemalans, Mexicans, ISIS, the Menendez Brothers, the 1990 Detroit Pistons, Thanos, and several babadooks.

Laura: And President Trump said there are Middle Eastern people as well?

Jeanine: No question, Laura. This caravan’s got hella Aladdins. They took the very common direct flight from Iran to Guatemala. They claimed their elephants as service animals and then rode them straight into Mexico. It makes almost too much sense.

Laura: And what will happen when they get here?

Jeanine: We’re in trouble, Laura. Just look at this footage of the caravan crossing into Mexico.

[ Cut to a clip from “World War Z” when the zombies start to climb over the wall, ending with a shot of Brad Pitt. ]

[ Cut back to the interview. ]

Laura: That’s truly horrifying. Was that Brad Pitt?

Jeanine: Yes, that’s right. We believe he’s actually dating the caravan, which people have labeled, ‘Bradavan.’

Laura: That’s top-notch reporting, Jeanine.

Jeanine: I know!

Laura: Now I like to take a moment to thank my sponsors. All the wonderful companies that stuck with me after I attacked the survivors of the Parkland Shooting. So big thanks to warm ice cream. Is regular ice cream to cold for your sensitive teeth? Well, let us warm it up first. And from the makers of my pillow, my hemorrhoid donut. Everyone’s hemorrhoids are unique. Shouldn’t your donut be too? And of course, White Castle. A castle for whites? Yes, please. And don’t miss my colleague Brian Kilmeade’s new book, “Andrew Jackson and the Battle for Hillary’s Emails.” It’s an inspiring story. Now as we said, thousands of troops are heading for the border. The goal is to have five armed soldiers for every one shoeless immigrant child. Trump is calling it ‘Operation Eagle with a Huge Dong.’ Here with an inside look is former Milwaukee sheriff and Trump cheerleader, David Clarke. Sheriff, how are you?

[ Cut to David Clarke. ]

David: I’m popular among my own people.

Laura: And what is your take on the caravan?

 

David: Well the situation is urgent, Laura. The caravan is only 800 miles from our border. If these immigrants walk at a normal pace of 300 miles a day, they can be here in time to vote on election day.

Laura: And are they moving that quickly?

David: Well, let’s just take a look at this aerial footage of the caravan.

[ Cut to a clip of the migration of the Red Crabs of Christmas Island. ]

[ Cut back to the interview, a split screen between Laura and David. ]

Laura: My God. And those are humans?

David: Basically, yeah. We’ve also learned that all the women in the caravan are more than nine months pregnant. And they’re holding the babies in till the exact moment when they cross the border. And then they are going to literally drop anchor. And the babies, get this, are pregnant.

Laura: Wow. And sheriff, I do have to press you on this. What are your sources?

David: Uh, the crows from Dumbo.

Laura: That checks out for me. Thank you, Sheriff Clarke. Now leading up to the midterms, there’s a lot of awful voter suppression going on. That’s why I’m proud to present a new segment called, “Fox News Tips for Black and Hispanic Voters.” I want to make sure your voices are heard, so…Tip one, never vote on Tuesdays. The crowds are the absolute worst on Tuesdays. Tip number two, ballots can be confusing. If you see an ‘R’ next to a name, that means really a Democrat. And the letter ‘D’ means, dats a Republican. And tip three, you already voted. You might not remember voting, but you did, so just relax. And those tips were brought to you by, Medical Sneakers. Jealous of your nurse’s style? Get medical sneakers. And American Jesus commemorative plates. See Jesus the way he really was [ Cut to an image of a plate with Jesus on it. Jesus is playing pool with a blonde woman in an American flag bikini. ] as an American. [ Cut back to Laura. ] Let’s take a break. When we come back, an update from disgraced former actor, Alec Baldwin, seen here molesting a young boy scout. [ Cut to an image from SNL’s 1994 skit, ‘Canteen Boy.’ Alec Baldwin and Adam Sandler are in the image. ] And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!!

Benihana | Season 44 Episode 4

Adam Grossman…..Jonah Hill

Miss Lilly…..Leslie Jones

Tony…..Kenan Thompson

Jake…..Mikey Day

Waitress…..Kate McKinnon

Chef Gayle…..Heidi Gardner

[ Outside of a Benihana restaurant. ]

[ Cut to inside the Benihana Restaurant. Adam and Miss Lilly are seated at a teppan table with two other gentlemen, Jake and Tony. ]

Adam: Good evening fellas. Is this seat taken?

Tony: Um, no.

Adam: It’s a pleasure to join you both. My name is Adam Grossman, and I’m six years young. [ He holds up 6 fingers. ] And this is my very lovely and very single nanny, Miss Lilly. And she must be from Jamaica because she’s makin’ me go to bed at eight tonight! But I understand the decision; I’m six! [ He holds up 6 fingers again. ]

Miss Lilly: Hi. And I’m not from Jamaica.

Jake: Well, it’s very nice to meet you. Hello, my name is Jake, and this is Tony.

Adam: Well, well, well. There’s two of them Lil. I like your chances tonight. As for me, it looks like I’ll be spending another evening with my right hand and a sock. What, I’m making a sock pocket! I’m six years old. [ He holds up 6 fingers again. ]

Miss Lilly: Let’s just calm down, Adam.

Adam: I’m only joking. Sheesh. Talk about a wet blankie; I love you to death. But sometimes you’re about as fun as apple slices for dessert. I’m kidding. She’s good people. We spend a lot of time together since my parents ivorced-day.

Tony: Oh, I’m sorry.

Adam: No! Don’t feel bad for me. I’m getting every kid’s dream. Two Chanukahs!

Waitress: Can I get you folks something to drink?

Adam: A cup of joe for me, sweetheart, please. And I like my coffee like I like my nannies, black and bitter. I’m kidding. I’m six. [ He holds up 6 fingers. ] I’ll take my fruit punch, neat. Always get your drink neat here, they try to load you up on the ice so they can bone you on the punch. It’s a racket.

Miss Lilly: I’ll have a glass of wine, please.

Waitress: You bet.

Adam: Okay, so I guess I’m driving home. I’m joking. Everything’s irie mon, drink all the red stripe you want.

Miss Lilly: I am not from Jamaica.

Adam: [ He starts to sing. ] I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the dep. You’re giving me nothing here. It feels like pulling teeth without a string. How about some Chef tricks? That’ll lighten the mood. Where’s Sooshin?

[ Chef Gayle walks over to the teppan table which is covered with shrimps. She has two spatulas in her hands. ]

Chef Gayle: Hey, I’m sorry little guy. Sooshin’s not working tonight. Dude got fired for stealing beef. [ She knocks a shrimp on the ground. ] But, Gayle has got you covered. [ She tosses a shrimp at Jake with her spatula, he tries to catch it with his mouth, but it flies straight over his head. ]

[ Jake and Tony lightly clap, Miss Lilly joins in. ]

Adam: Woof. No offense, Gayle. But I haven’t been this disappointed since I found out that there is a Santa Claus and he wants nothing to do with me. I guess we’ll have to settle for small talk, so you two fellas celebrating something?

Tony: Well, actually, yes.

Jake: We both just got engaged.

Adam: Oh, mazel! Here’s some marriage advice for ya. Don’t do it!!! I’m kidding; I’m six. [ He holds up 6 fingers. ] So what do I know? You’re both obviously a lot older than me. What are you, 11, 12?

Tony: I’m 37.

Adam: Wow, so I guess my next question is, what was Moses really like? I’m teasing! Hey, at least you’re not as old as Lilly here. You know her social security number is two!

Miss Lilly: Lord, help me. Help me.

Adam: No, really. Lilly is so old that in history class she just wrote down what she was doing.

Miss Lilly: Okay, Adam. Let’s just let the nice men enjoy their dinner, okay?

Adam: [ He sings really loud. ] One Love!!!! I’m kidding. Anyway, mazel on your engagement. I’m sure you’ll both marry two very lovely women. L’chaim.

Tony: Well, actually, we’re getting married to each other.

Adam: Okay. Record scratch. You’re doing what now?

Miss Lilly: I’m sorry, he’s probably just a little confused.

Adam: Ah! More like my mind is completely frickin’ blown! Two buddies getting married to each other, that’s genius! Wait till Eli here’s about this. He’s my best friend. We’ve been playdatin’ for years. And I love him dearly. Look he’s 3’5”, he’s got four teeth, he’s got the stickiest hands I’ve ever seen. But what can I say, I like to fix people.

Jake: That’s so cute.

Adam: Now, I gotta ask..who proposed to who? Cause I’m a top and Eli’s a bottom.

Miss Lilly: Adam!

Adam: Woah! I meant bunk beds. I’m six. [ He holds up 6 fingers. ] I don’t even understand that double entendre.

Tony: Okay, maybe we should explain.

Adam: Hold that thought. I want to hear everything. But unfortunately right I have to make bumps. And Lilly, your ring’s off this time, unless you gotta fish one loose again. [ Lilly takes off her ring. ]

Miss Lilly: Would you believe that I have a four-year degree?

Adam: I have no idea what that means, but [ He begins to sing. ] Redemption song!

Late Night Battle | Season 44 Episode 2

Dance Crew (Mikey Day, Ego Nwodim, Chris Redd, Kate McKinnon)

Rival group (Awkwafina, Leslie Jones, Kenan Thompson)

[Starting at the street at night]

Ego Nwodim: Yo, where the hell are they?

Mikey Day: Looks like Tiny Bigs and her crew are just a bunch of no shows.

Chris Redd: Yeah man, let’s dip. Yeah.

Tiny: [Cut to Tiny on nerdy outfit coming to challenge them with her two friends]Wait, wait, wait. Hold up, hold up. You guys already scurred?

Leslie: They better be. We the Tiny Big crews after all.

Fontein Jackson: And we came to slay.

Tiny: Yeah, they’re going to die tonight.

Chris Redd: Yo, why don’t you say that to my face?

Tiny: [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie] I just did dumb ass, your face was there.

Mikey Day: [Cut to Mikey Day and Chris Redd] Yo, Baby Teeth, tell him the rules.

Tiny: [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie] What kind of name is baby teeth, dude?

Baby Teeth: [Cut to Baby Teeth and Ego Nwodim] I got one baby tooth and it ain’t going nowhere.

Tiny: [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie] Respect, respect.

Baby Teeth: [Cut to Baby Teeth, Ego Nwodim, Mikey Day and Chris Redd] You know the rules, typical dance battle. We dance, you dance. We win, you go home crying.

Fontein Jackson: [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie, Fontein Jackson flipping his knife] You sure about that?

Tiny: Hey, hey, hey, put that away, Fontein Jackson. We don’t need knives. We’ll slice them up with our dance moves.

Mikey Day: [Cut to Mikey Day and Chris Redd] You wish. Let’s get it.

[Chris Redd starts music on a boombox player and starts the dance battle, ends the dance with a Fortnite move and a dab]

Tiny: [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie] Okay, so at that level. All right. Prepare to be served.

Leslie: Yeah, get ready for this three-course meal.

Fontein Jackson: Yeah, complete with Amuse-bouche!

Tiny: Let’s get that ahead.

[Fontein Jackson starts their boombox music player playing old music and dance funnily, ending with a dab]

Chris Redd: Did ya’ll just bust moves to ‘the price is right’ thing?

Tiny: [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie] Yeah, hell yeah we did.

Fontein Jackson: Yeah, because we winners.

Leslie: Like on the game show.

Tiny: Jealous?

Baby Teeth: [Cut to Baby Teeth, Ego Nwodim, Mikey Day and Chris Redd] I mean it made sense to me, but I’m stupid.

Mikey Day: Trying to confuse us, throw us off our game.

Ego Nwodim: Yeah, Tiny Bigs is notorious for that.

Mikey Day: Yeah, yeah, yeah. We jut got to bring it. Yo, come on. Some freestyle.

[Chris Redd plays the music and carries on the dance battle]

[Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie]

Fontein Jackson: You see that Tiny?

Tiny: I did Fontein Jackson. That was what you call some weak sauce.

Fontein Jackson: Yeah, like a watery ass marinara.

Leslie: Or even alfredo.

Tiny: Let’s show them how to thicken it up. Choke on this!

[Fontein Jackson starts their boombox music player playing old music and dance funnily]

[Cut to Baby Teeth, Ego Nwodim, Mikey Day and Chris Redd]

Ego Nwodim: Was that a wrong answer side effect at the end?

Chris Redd: It sure was, and it only punctuated how next level they are.

Baby Teeth: Guys they’re raising the bar. We got to be twice as good.

Tiny: [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie] Good luck with that because we brought a secret weapon.

Fontein Jackson: Yeah. Little Bang Bang! Get down here.

[Cut to Baby Teeth, Ego Nwodim, Mikey Day and Chris Redd, confused]

Chris Redd: Wait, Little Bang Bang?

Baby Teeth: He was a backup dancer on the 2014 Mariah Carey tour.

Little Bang Bang: Yeah! [Cut to Travis Scott as Little Bang Bang joins the team] All right. It’s time to end this. But first, I want to be clear with you all. You all corny.

[Cut to Baby Teeth, Ego Nwodim, Mikey Day and Chris Redd, confused]

Chris Redd: Corny?

Ego Nwodim: What?

Mikey Day: Band Bang Yo!

Baby Teeth: You don’t stand a chance.

[Cut to Tiny, Little Bang Bang, Fontein Jackson, and Leslie]

Little Bang Bang: Hit it.

[Fontein Jackson plays baby music that Little Bang Bang dances to]

Leslie: How are you all going to respond to that?

[Cut to Baby Teeth, Ego Nwodim, Mikey Day and Chris Redd, confused]

Mikey Day: Yo, how can we?

Tiny: Looks like we won. Boom! Boom!

Chris Redd: Yeah, yeah. That’s undeniable.

Fontein Jackson: You know what? Why don’t we all just kick it together?

Cleopatra | Season 44 Episode 2

Cleopatra (Cecily Strong)

Isis (Awkwafina)

Becky (Kate McKinnon)

Xerxes (Kenan Thompson)

[History channel intro playing]

Voiceover: You’re watching the History channel. At 8, it’s World War I. At 9, it’s World War II lost in New York. But now we return to The Hidden Tales of Egypt.

[Cut to Empress Cleopatra, her messenger, and two servers inside an ancient Egypt castle]

Messenger: Empress Cleopatra, your beauticians are here.

Empress: Send them in.

Isis: Hi. Oh my god, I’m sorry we’re late. Got stuck for hours in pyramid construction.

Empress: Excuse me?

Isis: Okay wait, sorry. Call me because I just came in here with like awful play.

Hi, I’m Isis. Normal name. I’m going to be doing your make-up today and these are my assistants. [Cut to Xerxes and Becky] Xerxes and Becky.

Xerxes: What’s up you duddy horses?

Becky: Hi. I love the look you vibe in here. [Whispering] I’m lying.

Isis: Ignore her. Becky’s whole thing is like she’s a nightmare. So what are we thinking for tonight?

Empress: I’m a queen. I don’t concern myself with matters of appearance.

Isis: Okay. I am down for a natural look but for me, and I’m a fan, I walked in here and thought ‘Oh god, she looks like a hot Mesopotamia’.

Xerxes: [Cut to Xerxes and Becky] Yes, give us something. Anything.

Becky: Yeah, I want to be like “Yes queen”, but now I’m kind of like “Mah  queen”.

Empress: [Cut to Isis and the Empress] You forget who you’re speaking to.

Isis: No, all I’m saying is you’re going to go out tonight and your face is going to be painted on, like a thousand vases, right?

Xerxes: [Cut to Xerxes and Becky, Xerxes showing her paint on a vase] Yeah, this was you last week at the [unintelligible 01:32]?

Empress: [Cut to Isis and the Empress] No. That’s me? Oh, I look horrible. Delete that. Delete that!

[Cut to Xerxes and Becky, Xerxes drops the vase on purpose to break it, reacting to the empress asking to delete it]

Isis: [Cut to Isis and the Empress]Look, you trust me right?

Empress: No.

Isis: Okay funny, are you a cat? Because I worship you. Come over here. [Isis holds the empress’s hand and takes her to the makeup table] Let’s try something new with your make-up.

[Cut to Isis brushing the empress]

Becky: Wow, [Cut to Xerxes and Becky] send me to a vomitorium because I’m gagging.

Xerxes: Ah, if we were hieroglyphs, this would be us right now. [Xerxes and Becky biting their tongues out]

Isis: [Cut to Isis and the Empress,]Okay, what do we think?

Empress: Wait. Me?

Isis: I love it. Bury my organs in lots of little jars because I am dead.

Empress: Wow, Okay. I could get used to this.

Isis: And we’re on our roles. Xerxes, let’s prop the hair. [Xerxes comes to the empress]

Xerxes: Okay, how do you feel about extensions?

Empress: Oh, not for me. No.

Xerxes: Okay, good. Because it’s a full wig. [Becky comes to the empress with a wig]

Empress: Wait, is that my hair?

Becky: You’re welcome.

Xerxes: Yeah. And just so you know, I work with with her and not for her.

Isis: And what do you think?

Empress: Wow, amazing!

Xerxes: I am officially perfection.

Empress: Okay wait. So is this my look everyday?

Isis: Yes, this is everyday. This is errand. This is brunch. This is executions.

Empress: Well I love, okay? Thank you.

Emperor: Well babe, been waiting in this chariot forever.

Empress: Get out. I’m getting ready. What do you think?

Emperor: About what?

Empress: My hair, my make up.

Emperor: Why, is it different?

Empress: Yes.

Emperor: It’s good, I guess.

Empress: Shut up, you spoil me. Let me get dressed.

Emperor: Um, Megan, snap me. We got Rezzies.

Isis: Okay, you guys are cute.

Empress: We fight but the sex is insane.

Voiceover: [Ending intro playing] This has been the Hidden Tales of Egypt.