Tag: Pete Davidson

Leave Me Alurn | Season 44 Episode 10

Rachel Brosnahan

Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Melissa Villaseñor

Alex Moffat

Pete Davidson

[Starting with a woman walking alone on the hills with a backpack.]

Narrator: Travelling solo, it’s my favorite. I love exploring with no one to please but myself.

[Cut to beautiful scenery of jungle, river and hills.]

Narrator: But when you’re a woman, [Cut to Rachel enjoying the view.] there is one very real danger. [Cut to Beck walks to Rachel.] Unwanted small talk.

Beck: This view, right? Reminds me of the episode of twin peaks where the girl gets murdered. Are you seeing anyone?

[Cut to Rachel speechless.]

[Cut to Kate enjoying her yoga at the park.]

Narrator: And having headphones in isn’t always enough [Cut to Kate meditating with her earpods on. Kenan walks to Kate.] to keep men I don’t know from talking to me.

Kenan: Om. That’s you. Om. You heard of Buddhists?

[Cut to Rachel sitting on the rocks with her backpack beside her.]

Rachel: That’s why wherever I go, [Taking her urn out of the bag] I always pack this.

[Cut to decorated urn with shoes, binoculars, shoes, maps, etc.]

Narrator: Introducing ‘Leave Me Alurn.’ ‘Leave Me Alurn’ is a portable urn of women travelers [Cut to different video clips of women traveling alone.] to make men think you are about to scatter your dad or grandpa’s ashes in a meaningful place. So they back the hell up off.

[Cut to Rachel, she takes her ‘Leave Me Alurn’ out.]

Rachel: This was his favorite spot. [Cut to Beck wondering what she is saying] It’s what he would have wanted.

Beck: Oh, okay. I didn’t realize. I’m going to let you – I didn’t know – sorry. [Beck leaves Rachel alone]

[Cut to Rachel holding ‘Leave Me Alurn’ close, smiling]

Rachel: Confrontation avoided. Thanks, ‘Leave Me Alurn’.

[Cut to Kate being annoyed by Kenan]

Narrator: You only take one vacation every seven years. Go ahead. Give them the urn.

[Kate takes her ‘Leave Me Alurn’ out of her bag.]

Kate: He always wanted to see the ocean. [Cut to Kenan shocked] Better late than never, I guess.

Kenan: I’m sorry. That’s a– I’m interrupting a little funeral. Forgive it. [Kenan leaves in shock]

[Cut to Kate smiles]

Kate: He’s gone and I didn’t have to be a bitch about it. Thanks, ‘Leave Me Alurn’.

[Cut to video clip of human cartoons.]

Narrator: ‘Leave Me Alurn’, it’s a conversation prophylactic that gives the impression that ashes could blow up to 50 feet away and that’s how far men will stay from you. And it’s not just a fake urn, [Cut to Rachel. She pulls up a wire from the bottle of the urn.] it’s also a portable phone charger. And it’s even a stainless steel water bottle. [Cut to Kate drinking water from the urn. Kenan sees her drinking water from it and gets disgusted.]

[Cut to Melissa walking inside a bar and getting a drink]

‘Leave Me Alurn’ also works great back home for those little ‘just because I look friendly doesn’t mean I am friendly’ moments with boy strangers.

[Cut to Alex walks to Melissa at the bar.]

Alex: Is this seat taken?

Melissa: It was. Brought him back one last round.

[Cut to Alex getting disgusted]

Alex: Never mind.

[Cut to Alex] Can I buy you ladies a – [Cut to all ladies showing a ‘Leave Me Alurn’]

Oh, come on! [Alex leaves]

[Cut to video clip of ‘Leave Me Alurns’]

Narrator: ‘Leave Me Alurn’ travel urn, for her. Kills small talk dead. Call now and you will also get [Lowe Back Spikes is shown in the screen] lower back spikes.

Because there is never a reason to touch a woman’s lower back when walking past her. Like never.

Pete: Excuse me! [Walks behind a woman] Ow! My hand!

Them Trumps | Season 44 Episode 8

Alex Moffat

Darius Trump… Kenan Thompson

Darius Jr. … Chris Redd

Malika… Leslie Jones

Cops… Mikey Day and Pete Davidson

[Starts with clip of White House]

Alex: [Cut to Alex. He sits and speaks.] Mr. President, the prosecution’s closing in. [Cut to President on President’s chair from the back] I’m afraid it might be over.

Darius Trump: Oh, it’s not over. Not by a long shot. We’ll beat this, [Darius Trump turns around. He’s black.] or my name isn’t Darius Trump.

Narrator: [Cut to Commercial of the show] From the producers of “Empire”, it’s “Them Trumps”. The first show to ask the question, what if Donald Trump was black? Darius Trump, his wife Malika, Darius Jr., and Lavanka. Together they are “Them Trumps”.

Alex: [Cut to Alex] Sir, they know everything. They know about Russia. They know you used campaign money to cover up an affair with magic city stripper Cinnamon Mercedes. And they know about the pyramid scheme you have been running through your company, [Cut to Darius] Darius Trump Country Hams. [Cut to Country Hams on the table]

Darius Trump: Mm-mm.

Darius Jr.: [Cut to Darius Jr.] Dad, the media has been out for you since day one and you proved them all wrong.

Malika: That’s right, nobody ever [Cut to Malika] thought you would get this far. The bankruptcies, [Cut to Darius. He is smiling] your baby mamas. [Cut to Malika] But here you are on top.

Darius Trump: [Cut to Darius] Yeah. Maybe I done some dirty things. [Darius stands and walks forward] I’m making America great again. And what these Feds don’t realize is that I’m the president! The most powerful man in the most respected office in the world. They can’t lock me up. And even though I may be black— [The door breaks open and two cops come in the door]

Cops: [Cops walk in Darius’ office] Freeze, Trump, you’re under arrest!

Darius Trump: [Cut to Darius] Yeah, that sounds about right. [The show ends. Post credits are given.]

Narrator: On the next “Them Trumps”.

[Cut to Darius Jr., Malika and Lavanka sitting on a couch. Darius comes in]

Darius Trump: [Cut to Darius] All hail the chief. Whoo!

Lavanka: [Cut to Darius Jr., Malika and Lavanka] Dad, you’re back.

Darius Trump: [Cut to Darius] That’s right. There’s only one rule in America you can’t prosecute a sitting president. [Cut to Darius Jr., Malika and Lavanka nodding their heads ]It’s called checks and balances baby, [Cut to Darius] and even though I’m black— [Alex walks in]

Alex: You’ve been impeached.

Darius Trump: Yeah, I was waiting on that. [Post credits given]

Rudolph’s Big Night | Season 44 Episode 8

Red-Nosed Reindeer… Pete Davidson

Cupid… Mikey Day

… Chris Redd.

Donner… Alex Moffat

Blitzen… Kyle Mooney

Comet… Beck Bennett

Don… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a house on a Christmas day]

Cupid: Alright, fellas, [Cut to a room full of reindeers] its Christmas eve and I am ready to fly! Who’s with me?

Everobody: Yeah!

Chris Redd: Hey, why is Rudolph cheering?

Rudolph: [Cut to Rudolph. He has a red glowing nose] Well, I guess I thought there was a chance, you know,  I’d be on the team this year.

[Cut to everybody. Everyone laughs at Rudolph]

Donner: Yeah, keep dreaming neon nose!

Rudolph: Yeah, the last thing we need up there is a stoplight!

Comet: [Cut to Beck] Or a maraschino cherry.

Santa: [Santa walks in shaking his belly] Ho, ho, ho! Huddle up. I just wanted to say about the weather report and I’m sorry but it’s too overcast to fly. Christmas is canceled.

Everybody: [Cut to everybody] Oh, no! No!

Santa: Wait! [Cut to Rudolph and Santa] Rudolph—your nose. You can guide us with your wonderful light! How about it, Rudolph?

Rudolph:  You mean it Santa?

Santa: Oh, you bet I do. I’m appointing you lead reindeer! Christmas is saved! Let’s hear it for Rudolph!

Everybody: [Cut to Everybody. Everybody is cheering for Rudolph] Hip, hip, hooray!

Santa:  Thanks, Santa. I won’t let you down. [Santa leaves the room] [Cut to Rudolph. He walks in the group] Well, well, well—

Donner: [Alex giving his hand to shake to Rudolph] Congrats–

Rudolph: Oh, you can put that away, [pushing away his hand] Donner, or whatever your bitch ass name is.

Donner: Rudolph–

Rudolph: Oh, it’s Rudolph now! I thought it was Neon Nose. Classic.

Blitzen: Rudolph–

Rudolph: Oh, what’s up, Blitzen? What did you call my nose? A stoplight. I like that, making fun of someone else when you’re married to a moose.

Blitzen:  She’s an Elk.

Rudolph: She’s a straight up moose. You need to know that. What’s up, Don?

Don: What’s up?

Rudolph: Santa hates you.

Don: Harsh.

[Cut to everybody]

Cupid: Rudolph, we understand you’re sore at us but it was just a bit of healthy ribbing.

Rudolph: [Cut to Rudolph and Cupid] No, you shut up your mouth, Cupid. Alright? No one’s talking to you. You want healthy ribbing? Your wife dropped that donk on my last night!

Cupid: You’re making that up.

Rudolph: Nope, we did it in front of the mirror. Yeah, she’s one of those!

Cupid: Oh my god, I’ll knock that nose right off your face! [Cut to everybody]

Don: Come on, Rudolph man, we’re sorry.

Rudolph: Yeah, I know you’re sorry now because I’ll be flying out in front tonight and I’m eating a lot of broccoli. What’s your problem world?

Cupid: Hey! I’m gonna tell Santa how you’re behaving.

Rudolph: Oh, yeah? Let’s get him in here! [Rudolph starts hitting himself on his head and starts acting victim] Oh, ouch, why would you hit me? I’m smaller than you!

Santa: [Santa walks in] Cupid! Are you still bullying on Rudolph?

Cupid: [Cut to Everybody] No, sir, I didn’t touch him!

Rudolph: It’s not their fault sir. I’m the new guy. I deserve a little hazing.

Santa: [Cut to Santa] Rudolph, you’re the strongest reindeer I’ve ever seen. [Cut to Rudolph smiling happily] You’re skating on thin ice Cupid.

Cupid: [Cut to Rudolph and Cupid] Man.

Rudplph: Whoops!

Don:Yo, you’re crazy man! [Cut to everybody]

Rudolph: Anyone else want to bully Rudolph?

Comet: No, man, we’re so sorry.

Rudolph: Oh, well, if it isn’t Mr. Maraschino Cherry Joke.

Comet: [Cut to Comet and Rudolph] I don’t want any trouble man.

Rudolph: Oh, I heard a lot of jokes about my nose. That was a good one. You like Maraschino Cherries, bro?

Comet: Yeah.

Rudolph: You like that way they taste, bro?

Comet: Yeah.

Rudolph: Why don’t you suck on one?

Comet: Excuse me?

Rudolph: Suck on it homey. Suck on the cherry in front of your face!

Comet: Rudolph, please!

Everybody: [Cut to everybody] Don’t do it. Don’t do it. Oh! Oh! [Cut to Comet and Rudolph. Comet starts sucking on Rudolph’s nose]

Santa: [Cut to Santa walking in] Oh my goodness!

Rudolph: [Cut to Comet and Rudolph. As Rudolph sees Santa he starts acting victim] Ouch, he bit me. I think he’s rabid.

Santa: [Cut to Santa] Oh, I always knew this day would come. [Santa takes his gun out]

Comet: [Cut to Comet] No, no. I swear he’s lying! He told me to suck it.

Santa: [Santa is pointing the gun towards Comet] Come with me, Comet.

Comet: Sir, you don’t understand. [Cut to everybody] He’s evil. Isn’t anybody going to say anything?

Rudolph: Yeah, isn’t anyone going to say anything?

Santa: I’m sorry, pal. Ho, ho, ho. [Santa takes Comet out]

Chris Redd: He’s not going to do that. [Sound of gunshot. Everybody is terrified except Rudolph.] Rudolph, you are a master.

Rudolph: No, really though, those were some funny jokes. Hilarious.

Santa: All right, [Cut to Santa walking in] show’s over. It’s Christmas folks. Ho, ho, ho, ho!

Rudolph: [Cut to everybody. Rudolph is dancing] Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer.

Khal Drogo’s Ghost Dojo | Season 44 Episode 8

Zerco… Kenan Thompson

Khal Drogo… Jason Momoa

Hodor… Beck Bennett

High Sparrow… Pete Davidson

Brienne of Tarth… Heidi Gardner

Joffrey… Kate McKinnon

Olenna Tyrell… Aidy Bryant

[Intro playing]

Narrator: You’re watching Dothraki Public Access. Up next, Khal Drogo’s Ghost Dojo.

[Cut to Zerco and Khal in a hut]

Zerco: Alright, welcome to Khal Drogo’s Ghost Dojo, where we talk to some of the hundreds of characters of  Game of Thrones who have been killed off the show. I am Zerco, bloodwriter to the great Khal himself. Khal, how are you feeling tonight?

Khal Drogo: [Cut to Khal] Hmm.

Zerco: [Cut to Khal and Zerco] Alright. So, Khal is not the biggest talker but he’s a cool dude when you get to know him. Do you know any fun plans for the weekend Khal?

Khal Drogo: [Cut to Khal] [Talking in Dothraki language, subtitle says “I will kill the men in iron suits and tear their stone houses”]

Zerco: [Cut to Khal and Zerco] Cool. Co-co-co-co-cool. Very cool. Very chill. Hey, you mind closing your legs just a little bit there Khal? Ever heard of the term man spreading?

[Khal takes his knife out and stabs Zerco twice]

You never know how fast they’ll kill off a character! [Zerco dies. But then, he stands again] And I’m back. Revived by a witch. All right. Let’s start the show and meet our first guest, our first ghost. He sacrificed his life to save Brandon and Mira. Pease welcome, Hodor!

[Cut to Hodor coming in and sits in the middle]

Hodor: Hodor.

Khal Drogo: Who you?

Hodor: Hodor

Khal Drogo: Why?

Hodor: Hodor.

Khal Drogo: What’d you do?

Hodor: Hodor.

Zerco: [Cut to Zerco] Okay, great combo. Thanks for stopping by, Hodor. Really glad that we got you two together. [Cut to everybody. Hodor walks towards the door] Hey, would you mind holding the door for our next guest?

Hodor: Hold the door? Hold the door! Hold the door! Hodor!

Zerco: [Cut to Zerco] Yeah, thanks, Hodor.

Hodor: [Cut to Khal and Hodor] Oh, please, yeah, no trouble at all.

Zerco: [Cut to Zerco] All right. Our next guest is a religious Zealot who led the face of the Seven until he got exploded. Please welcome the high sparrow.

High Sparrow: [Cut to High Sparrow comes in and Hodor leaves] Can I just ask where I am?

Zerco: Well, you’re in the Dothraki world.

High Sparrow: [Cut to Zerco and High Sparrow] Oh, like horse heaven? So glad I gave up sex for 50 years.

Khal Drogo: [Cut to everybody] I sex when I want with ever I want. Many, many partners.

High Sparrow: And we both ended up in the same heaven! It almost makes you question religion.

Zerco: Well, hey, I mean you ran that whole team. You were almost like a king.

Khal Drogo: You think you like king? [Khal carries a container of molten gold and pours it on High Sparrow’s head]

High Sparrow: I didn’t mean to offend you.

Khal Drogo: Shout for king!

High Sparrow: You ruined my potato sack!

Zerco: [Cut to Zerco] Wow. Okay. Well, I actually need to save a little bit of that molten gold to make a friendship bracelet, but no worries, I guess.

Brienne: [Cut to everybody. Brienne comes in with a sword in her hand] Is there a danger? Where are the stark children? Arya, Sansa, the cripple in the sled.

Zerco: Wait, Brienne of Tarth? Are you even dead? I mean, the show’s been out for so long, I’m honestly asking.

Brienne: I have sworn [Cut to Brienne and Khal] a blood oath to find and protect the Stark children wherever they be.

Khal Drogo: [Speaks in Dothraki language. Subtitle says, “If this man wants to fight I will give him what he wants”]

Brienne: Man? wow, you have a lot to learn about identity politics.

Khal Drogo: You’re right. Khal needs to learn from Khal’s mistakes or Khal never wins Oscar. Khal never holds Oscar.

Zerco: [Cut to Zerco] Wow, what a teachable moment, yeah. Now a quick word from our sponsors.

[Commercials start playing]

Narrator: Khal Drogo’s Ghost Dojo is brought to you by Little Beard Twisties. Want to keep your beard neat but still loose and crazy? Little Beard Twisties. And remember the red wedding? Well, that venue is now open for your wedding. What are the odds of it happening twice? We’ve cleaned up almost all of the blood and hired a new wedding planner. Dothraki Wardrobe provided by dead horses. When a horse dies, you wear it. And if you like elf on a shelf, ready for Khal On The Wall. He knows when you’ve been naughty and he’ll kill you.

[Cut to Zerco and Khal]

Zerco: Okay, we are back. And Khal is just eating rib, which means it’s time for our final guest. He’s the worst and everyone’s glad he’s dead. Please welcome, King Joffrey!

[Joffrey walks in] [Cut to everybody]

Joffrey: Go ahead and boo me. I love it. You’re all just mad that you’re not me. But catch me outside! I said catch me outside!

Zerco: Man, you are just despised.

Joffrey: They think they cannot handle all of this. I feed off the haters.

Zerco: Alright, now, Joffrey, you were poisoned to death, correct?

Joffrey: Perhaps, whatever.

Zerco: Well, what if I told you that the woman who poisoned you is here tonight? Olenna Tyrell, get out here!

Olenna: Oh, I know you, you son of a bitch. [Olenna and Joffrey start fighting] I’m about to kill you again Justin Bieber!

Zerco: We got to break this up. We got to break this up. [Zerco stops their fight] [Cut to Zerco] Let’s take a break. When we come back, we will see the results of our big makeover. Here’s what Oberyn Martell looked like after the Mountain gouged out his eyes and crushed his skull. [Picture of Oberyn’s face when Mountain crushed his eyes in the Game of Thrones series] And here’s what he looks like now. [Oberyn comes in with sunglasses on. Disco music stars playing and Oberyn starts dancing] Right here on Khal Drogo’s Ghost Dojo!

[Cut to Kyle Mooney in his set]

Kyle Mooney: And, hey, stay tuned after the show for “Talking Dojo”, where we dissect everything that just happened in the Ghost Dojo.

[Khal Drogo appears in Kyle Mooney’s set]

Khal Drogo: No more after shows! [Khal stabs Kyle with his knife] Best death ever!

 

Good Morning Goomah | Season 44 Episode 7

Gina Barbarosa… Kate McKinnon

Sandy Dentista… Claire Foy

Marian Perillo… Aidy Bryant

Tony… Pete Davidson

[TV show intro playing]

Narrator: You’re watching Staten Island cable.

[Cut to Gina and Sandy sitting on a couch of their set]

Gina Barbarosa: It’s 8 AM in Woodrow, Staten Island which means you’re watching “Good morning Goomah.” As always, I’m Gina Barbarosa.

Sandy Dentista: And I am waiting for him to call. I kid. I’m Sandy Dentista.

Gina Barbarosa: And to all the Goomahs watching at home, welcome to the worst month of the year.

Sandy Dentista: December. O

Gina Barbarosa: The holidays.

Sandy Dentista: When he has to see the family.

Gina Barbarosa: Because Christmas is for wives but you know in your heart he loves you just as much because say it with me—

Gina Barbarosa and Sandy Dentista: You do things the wife would never do!

Sandy Dentista: Look what he got me. Is that just fabulous?

Gina Barbarosa: Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Sandy Dentista: He says it was an apartment ring because I’m not allowed to wear it outside of the apartment.

Gina Barbarosa: Oh, okay. So trust me, today is jewelry, tomorrow he’s going to be eating with you in public. I can’t. I can’t

Sandy Dentista: Okay, so now it’s time for an advertisement.

Gina Barbarosa: Okay, let’s get going. Today’s episode is brought to you by Virginia slim’s extra long.

Sandy Dentista: They’re 30% longer because what do you have to do all day?

Gina Barbarosa: Okay, we have a real exciting one today. [Someone presses the door buzzer] Okay, here we go.

Sandy Dentista: Every time.

Speaker on the door: Hello! Leave my husband alone. Do you hear me?

Sandy Dentista: Just got to wait it out.

Speaker on the door: Is this the super? There is a whore living in this building. Dentista, Sandy, whore! 2C, whore.

Gina Barbarosa: Remember, he has to go home to that.

Sandy Dentista: Please, I’m immune. He still uses condoms with that, that one. Oh, the storm passed.

Gina Barbarosa: We’re fine.

Sandy Dentista: Okay, our first guests is Bobby Valico’s her Goomah. Marian Perillo.

[Marian Perillo walks in with a little puppy]

Marian Perillo: Oh, hey sandy, hey Gina.

Sandy Dentista: Hey! Oh, nice little dog. It’s nice to have you on. I hear Bobby’s very happy. But I have to ask you, what happened to the old Goomah?

[Cut to Marian Perillo]

Marian Perillo: Oh well, you didn’t hear it from me, but she’s called the house.

[Cut to Gina and Sandy]

Gina Barbarosa: No! Was she sick?

Sandy Dentista: When your man gets home before things get romantic, does he say hello?

[Cut to Marian Perillo]

Marian Perillo: Never. No, I never get a hello.

[Cut to Gina and Sandy]

Gina Barbarosa: And by romantic, we do mean getting pulverized from the back.

Sandy Dentista: Of course, the only way.

[Cut to Marian Perillo]

Marian Perillo: Yes, of course, face to face is for—

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: The wives!

Gina Barbarosa: Oh, my god!

[Cut to Gina and Sandy]

Sandy Dentista: Oh, my god! Tony is here.

Gina Barbarosa: Oh my god. I told you he’d come. Oh my god.

[Tony comes in from the door. Sandy stands up and walks behind Tony]

Sandy Dentista: Hey, Tony darling! So good to see you, baby cakes.

Tony: You got orange juice?

[Cut to Sandy and Tony]

Sandy Dentista: Of course I do Tony darling. It’s on the table.

Tony: On the table? So it’s hot! You got a hot orange juice. You don’t have cold orange juice? You don’t have ice cubes in it? What the hell?

Sandy Dentista: No Tony. Please, Tony.

Tony: No Tony this, no Tony that! How about this, no Tony!

[Tony walks to the door]

Sandy Dentista: What I got to do. All I do is love you.

Tony: Then get me some cold orange juice! [Tony throws some money to Sandy and storms out]

Sandy Dentista: Why are you so perfect?

Gina Barbarosa: [Cut to Gina] I mean And that’s all for this week on “Good Morning Goomah.”  [Sandy comes and sits beside Gina] I’m Gina Barbarosa, and remember, wait it out.

Sandy Dentista: He’s only with her for the kids.

Claire Foy Takes on Pete Davidson in an SNL Tradition | Season 44 Episode 7

[Pete and Clair are walking on the SNL stage]

Pete Davidson: You’re going to be up there Saturday?

Clair Foy: Oh, I can’t wait. [Cut to Clair] I’m so excited to host it.

Pete Davidson: Well, [Cut to Pete] before I finish the tour there is an SNL tradition that we have to do with every host. So–

Clair Foy: [Cut to Pete and Clair] What is it?

[Pete and Clair start having food fight in slow motion, having fun]

[music]

Heidi Gardner: Hey, [Heidi comes to the stage] what are you doing?

[Cut to Clair and Pete. Clair looks at Pete and says–]

Clair Foy: It’s an SNL tradition.

[Cut to Heidi, she is looking at all the mess]

Heidi Gardner: What tradition?

Pete Davidson: Alright. [Cut to Clair and Pete] I just wanted to have a food fight like in the movie.

Heidi Gardner: [Cut to Heidi] Well, that’s my lunch.

Clair Foy: [Cut to Clair and Pete. Clair is looking at all the food on the floor] All of this is your lunch?

Heidi Gardner: Yeah. So [Cut to Heidi] you owe me $413.

Pete Davidson: [Cut to Clair and Pete] Pay the woman.

[Music]

Charlie’s Grandparents | Season 44 Episode 7

Charlie Bucket… Claire Foy

Mom… Kate McKinnon

Grandma Josephine… Heidi Gardner

Grandpa Joe…Pete Davidson

Grandpa George… Kyle Mooney

Grandma Georgina… Aidy Bryant

[AMC intro playing]

Narrator: You’re watching AMC, where “X-Men” is a Christmas movie. We now return to the 1971 classic, “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.”

[Cut to small cottage house at night] [Cut to inside the house. Grandma Josephine, Grandpa Joe, Grandpa George, and Grandma Georgina in the same bed and mom is speaking to them]

Mom: Is your supper okay grandma Josephine?

Grandma Josephine: Warm water with Lumps, my favorite.

Mom: We also have bread. And for dessert, the memory of bread.

[Cut to Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe]

Grandpa Joe: Are we really this poor?

Mom: [Cut to Mom, Grandma Josephine, and Grandpa Joe]

Well, grandpa Joe, our last name is bucket, and four of you have no working legs. But look at Grandpa George and Grandma Georgina. You guys need anything?

[Cut to Grandpa George and Grandma Georgina. They can’t speak, so they grunt]

[Cut to Mom, Grandpa George and Grandma Georgina]

Mom: Okay, I’m pretty worried about you two.

[Cut to Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe. Charlie enters the room from the door]

Charlie: Hi, everyone! Charlie!

[Cut to everybody in the room]

Grandma Josephine: How was work, Charlie?

[Cut to Charlie and mom]

Charlie: Boss let me out early. I only had to work 14 hours. Here’s the money I made, mother. [Charlie passes one coin]

Mom: Oh, no, you save that for yourself, Charlie. Off, and buy a Wonka Bar. Now get to sleep. Cause you got to be back to work in two hours.

Charlie: Okay, good night, Grandpa Joe, Grandma Josephine.

[Cut to Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe]

Grandpa Joe: Good night, Charlie. Good night Josephine. [Grandpa Joe kisses Grandma Josephine gently]

[Cut to everybody in the room]

Charlie: Good night Grandpa George. Grandma Georgina.

[Cut to Grandpa George and Grandma Georgina. They can’t speak, so they just grunt. They first kiss gently. Then they start kissing more and not stop]

Mother, [Cut to Charlie, Mom, Grandpa George, and Grandma Georgina] are grandpa George and grandma Georgina okay?

Mom: Well, they’re just saying their good nights, Charlie. Now, why don’t you go over there, and stir that combination of cabbage and shirts until you fall asleep.

[Cut to Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe]

Grandma Josephine: Okay, actually I’m a little worried about how they’re saying good night, and how long it’s going on for.

[Cut to everybody in the room. Grandpa George takes off his pants from the bed and throws it]

Grandpa Joe: Karen, I think we have a problem here.

Mom: Ignore it, Grandpa Joe. It will pass.

Grandpa Joe: There’s four of us in this bed.

[Cut to Charlie and Karen. Grandpa George and Grandma Georgina start moaning]

Charlie: Mother, what are grandpa George and grandma Georgina doing?

Mom: Well, they’re just stretching, Charlie. Their bones are very old. Now come over here and look out the window, and not at them while I sing you a song.

My darling cheer up Charlie

[Grandpa George and Grandma Georgina start grunting and moaning. The bed is shaking]

give me a smile what happened to that smile is used to know.

Grandpa Joe: [Cut to Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe. The bed is shaking. Grandpa George’s foot is on Granpa Joe’s face]

No! Oh, God! Hey, should you and I—

Grandma Josephine: you can’t and I won’t! Oh!

[Cut to Charlie and Karen]

Mom: Don’t you know your grin has always been my sunshine.

Grandma Josephine: [Cut to Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe] Oh God! Oh my god, I’m feeling everything!

[Cut to Charlie and Karen]

Mom: Let the sunshine show.

Grandma Josephine:  [Cut to Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe] Oh, my god, I have to get out of here!

Narrator: “Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory,” brought to you by Cialis.

[Cut to old hut house shaking at night]

Space Thanksgiving | Season 44 Episode 6

Ruler TA (Tate) of Klurds…Kenan Thompson

Tutrisha (TA’s Daughter)…Melissa Villaseñor

Kern….Pete Davidson

Earth space travelers….Steve Carell, Beck Bennet, Cecily Strong, Leslie Jones

[Starting with a shot of outer space station]

Beck: Will the aliens be joining us for our [four astronauts getting ready for thanksgiving dinner] thanksgiving feast?

Cecily: Oh, you mean the Klergs? Yeah.

Captain: Good, I look forward to sampling some of the products here on Argos-9. [Cut to Linda and Captain]

Linda: I love exotic foods.

Captain: Oh, look, it’s the Klergs. [Cut to everyone sitting in the dining hall, the Klergs are entering from the door with food]

TA: [Cut to TA and Tutrisha] Greetings, people of earth. I am ruler TA, short for Tank.

Tutrisha: Father, should I offer them the kern?

TA: Yes, Tutrisha, [Cut to everyone sitting in the dining hall] offer them other kern.

Captain: Kern, what is cern?

Linda: Oh, it looks like out corn [Cut to Linda and Beck] but its purple.

TA: [Cut to TA and Tutrisha] Yes, our Kern is much like your corn. It has lots of tiny, delicious cornels on it.

Captain: [Cut to Captain] Oh, you mean Kernels?

TA: [Cut to TA and Tutrisha] No, your corn has kernels, but our kern has cornels.

Cecily: [Cut to Captain and Cecelia] What a small fascinating universe.

TA: [Cut to TA and Tutrisha] It is customary for visitor to partake of our kern.

Tutrisha: It’s for good fortune.

Captain: [Cut to Captain and Cecelia] I guess this is the famous Klerg hospitality we’ve heard so much about. I can’t wait to enjoy the tasty cornels of kern. [Captain takes a bite]

Kern: [Cut to Kern with a face speaking] No, don’t eat me! This hurts me!

Captain: [Cut to Captain and Cecelia] Is it kern talking?

Cecily: Is it alive [Cut to TA and Tutrisha] right now?

TA: No, these are just the kern sounds.

Tutrisha: The sound the kern makes.

Linda: [Cut to Linda and Beck] It’s delicious, y’all!

Kern: [Cut to Kern with a face speaking] Ow, the pain lady! Please stop eating me!

Captain: [Cut to Linda and Beck] Linda, stop eating the kern.

Linda: Just one more bite.

Kern: [Cut to Kern with a face speaking] This hurts like hell. Stop.

Captain: [Cut to Captain and Linda] Linda, please it may be conscious!

Linda: Sorry, it reminds me of my earth picnics, of eating corn on the cob.

TA: [Cut to TA and Tutrisha] You mean kern on the curb?

Captain: [Cut to Captain and Linda] I want to try to communicate with it.

TA: [Cut to TA and Tutrisha] Why? It has no errs to herr. [Referring as to ‘ears to hear’]

Captain: [Cut to everyone sitting in the dining hall] Please, let me try. Hello, [Cut to Captain, Linda and Cecelia] can you hear me? Are you okay?

Kern: [Cut to Kern with a face speaking] Help us. The Klergs are trying to destroy our race. We can’t run from him because we don’t have the lergs okay? Lergs!

Captain: [Cut to everyone sitting in the dining hall] Excuse us TA, I need to speak to my crew. [Cut to humans whispering] The kern said it has no lergs to run from the klergs.

Beck: TA told us it’s customary to eat the cornels from the kern.

Cecily: But actually we’re helping the klergs wipe out the kern.

Linda: What do we do?

Captain: Follow me lead. I have a plan. Ruler TA.

TA: More kern, captain?

Captain: Oh, [Cut to TA and Tutrisha] Hell yes. [Cut to humans] Who cares about some kern. Let’s enjoy this thanksgiving.

TA: [Cut to everyone sitting in the dining hall] Oh, well tomorrow I will show you around the planot.

Linda: Captain, this kern is crazy delicious!

Kern: Hey bitch! I said stop. [Cut to Kern with a face speaking] Bitch I said stop. : [Cut to everyone sitting in the dining hall]

Beck: It’s good, right?

TA: Bye bye.

Beck: Is it good?

Captain: Let’s all eat! Everyone, let’s eat the kern! [Cut to the shot of outer space station]

 

RBG Rap | Season 44 Episode 6

[Pete Davidson and Chris Redd inside the court rapping]

Yo, this countryman or woman. It’s crazy. (Crazy)

[Cut to someone coming out of the car showing the shoes] You know there’s only like one lady holding [Cut to Pete Davidson and Chris Redd inside the court rapping] the whole damn thing together right?

[Cut to a lady walking towards the court] And you think some broke ribs are going to keep her down? [Cut to Pete Davidson and Chris Redd inside the court rapping] Hell no, and hell no. This is for you, RBG.

[Cut to shots of attorneys in front of the court]

Live Ginsburg and I ride for Ginsburg

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Chris Redd inside the court rapping]

Live Ginsburg and I …

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Chris Redd inside the court rapping with RBG]

Live Ginsburg and I ride for Ginsburg

Live Ginsburg and I ride for Ginsburg

LLive Ginsburg and I ride for Ginsburgive Ginsburg and I ride for Ginsburg

[Pete Davidson and Chris Redd start to rap]

Her name’s RBG and she born in BK

running the Supreme Court killing it since 33.

She went to law school she was first in her class

If she ever wants a date, I plead the court on that ass

she was out there on the strip okay,

telling Trump “Delete your account!”

Fighting for women’s rights, equal right, she [beep]

she work for presidents, Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton,

she’s experienced as she should be president

because Live Ginsburg and I ride for Ginsburg, where Brooklyn at?

The court is the stage write dissent that throws shade

tell Trump stay out her way, don’t [beep] with my Roe V Wade (precedents)

Supreme courts a boys club she holds it down no cares given

who else got six movies about them and still living

she’s brass knuckles tough her scared got to be kidding me

pour one out for my retired homie Anthony Kennedy

survived the depression and Twitter attacks from Trump

broken rib cage stop her before she eats that for lunch

(Live Ginsburg )

Now you know who I am.

I just snapped on these bars like the gins at a bar exam

Ya Putx

Live Ginsburg and I ride for Ginsburg

Live Ginsburg and I ride for Ginsburg

Now you know we love RBG. Yo, tell them your favorite RBG decision dog. I don’t know. Come on.

Disney | Season 44 Episode 6

Dad….Steve Carell

Son 1….Mikey Day

Daughter 1….Melissa Villaseñor

Son 2….Pete Davidson

Daughter 2….Aidy Bryant

[Four kids are sleeping. Dad turns on the light and wakes them up.]

Dad: Kids, kids, wake up. I have a big news.

Son 1: Dad, it’s in five o’clock in the morning.

Daughter 1: Why is dad in here?

Dad: [Cut to dad] Because it’s time for you to pack your bags. We’re going to Disney World.

Daughter 1: [Cut to two daughters] Disney world?

Daughter 2: Yes, that’s so nice, but you don’t have to cheer us up. We already know that mom’s leaving you.

Dad: [Cut to dad] She what?

Son 2: [Cut to dad and two sons] Don’t worry.

Son 1: Yeah, we’re fine with it.

Dad: What are you talking about?

Son 1: [Cut to son 1] My god, does he not know?

Daughter 2: [Cut to Daughter 2] No, no, no. He has to know.

Son 2: [Cut to dad and two sons] He’d be idiot if he didn’t know.

Daughter 1: The whole town knows. [Cut to Daughter 1] It’s in the newspaper.

Son 1: The messed-up part is dad is the one who introduced each of them to one another?

Dad: [Cut to Dad] Introduced who? What’s happening? [Cut to everybody in the room]

Son 1: No, is our dad dumb?

Son 2: Yeah.

Daughter 2: He didn’t even notice when the cat ran away, we replaced it with a dog.

Dad: You what? My cat?

Daughter 1: What is wrong with him?

Dad: [Cut to Dad] Okay, enough. Have some respect. I am your father.

Son 1: [Cut to Dad and two sons] I mean, not technically.

Dad: What does that mean?

Daughter 2: [Cut to Daughter 2] I mean, how can we know all of this and our dad has no idea.

Son 2: [Cut to Dad and two sons] You mean your dad!

Dad: [Cut to Dad] All right, how about this. Why don’t you tell me what the hell is going on here and I will still take you to Disney world.

Son 1: [Cut to Son 1]We were just at Disney world.

Dad: [Cut to Dad] You were?

Daughter 2: [Cut to Daughter 2]Yeah, for Jeremy’s birthday.

Dad: [Cut to Dad] Jeremy?

Son 2: [Cut to Jeremy] Me. Does he not know our names?

Dad: [Cut to Dad] Wait, wait, if you were at Disney, where was I?

Son 2: [Cut to Dad and two sons] We assumed you were coming but then we realized mom didn’t invite you.

Daughter 2: [Cut to two daughters] Yeah, and we were like why are we at Disney World with dad’s boss?

Son 2: Yeah, is dad as boss, [Cut to Son 2] Ron going to be with us the whole trip?

Daughter 1: [Cut to two daughters] It was pretty clear he and mom were sleeping together.

Dad: [Cut to Dad] Oh, I’m so confused, I can scream right now.

Daughter 1: [Cut to two daughters] Actually, why are we whispering?

Dad: I don’t want to [Cut to Dad] wake up your mother.

Son 1: [Cut to Dad and two sons] Dad, she’s definitely not here.

Dad: What?

Daughter 1: [Cut to two daughters] Yeah, she’s been gone or a month. She lives in Arizona with Ron and in four days, so will we.

Dad: [Cut to Dad] Oh, I’d love to go too, Arizona. I’ve never seen the ocean.

[Cut to Son 1 looking confused]

Son 1: Dad, and I mean this, what the hell is wrong with you?

Dad: [Cut to Dad and two sons] Okay, okay. Listen, [Dad walks up to Jeremy and sits beside him] I have something, I want to tell you guys. Things haven’t been going well with your mom.

Son 2: Jesus, dad.

Dad: I think she might be cheating on me.

Daughter 2: [Cut to Daughter 2] I can’t do this again.

Dad: [Cut to Dad and Jeremy] Maybe with my friend Dave.

Son 2: It’s [Cut to everybody in the room] Ron!

Dad: But I’m giving up because you kids are four miracles. You’re my miracles. [Cut to Dad and Jeremy] Especially since your mother and I have only done it twice.

Son 2: All right, dad, I think that’s enough.

Dad: Okay, you’re right. All right. [Cut to everybody in the room] I’m going to bed. I have a big day today. Gonna surprise my kids with a trip to Disney.