Tag: Season 44

America’s Got Talent: Wait, They’re Good? | Season 44 Episode 4

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

Howie Mandel…..Kyle Mooney

Mel B…..Ego Nwodim

Heidi Klum…..Kate McKinnon

Simon Cowell…..Beck Bennett

Stacy…..Melissa Villaseñor

Debra…..Jonah Hill

Wilderness Contestant…..Cecily Strong

Sheila…..Leslie Jones

Levander…..Kenan Thompson

[ America’s Got Talent title. ]

Announcer: America’s Got Talent!

[ Cut to AGT Judges at their desk with the AGT audience clapping behind them. ]

Mel B: Hello, my love. What’s your name, dear?

[ Cut to the AGT stage where Stacy is waiting nervously for her chance to audition. ]

Stacy: Um, Stacy. [ Nervous giggle. ] I’m so nervous. I’ve never sang in front of people, ever.

Mel B: Well, this feels like a complete waste of time. But, alright, go ahead, dear.

Stacy: [She starts singing Lady Marmalade. ] More, more, mooooorrrrrrre.

[ Cut to the judges looking surprised and entertained. The audience is giving a standing ovation behind them. ]

[ Cut to the AGT audience all beginning to stand up and give a roaring standing ovation. ]

Announcer: Wasn’t that cool? You never thought it would work out, but then suddenly, it did. [ Cut to AGT logo. ] Over the years, America’s Got Talent, has had so many of these moments. [ Several surprising moments from AGT are shown as clips as the announcer speaks. ] And now, we put them into one special. ‘America’s Got Talent. Wait, They’re Good?’ See the performances begin like one thing [ An elderly couple is holding hands on the audition stage. ] Then woah-oh, there’s something else. [ Cut to the elderly couple now freak dancing on the stage. ]

[ Cut to Heidi Klum at the judge’s table. ]

Heidi: Hello, tell us your name.

[ Cut to Debra on the audition stage. He is dressed like a cowboy. ]

Debra: My name’s Debra, ma’am.

Heidi: Welcome, Debra. I hear you have some music for us.

Debra: Music, ma’am?

Heidi: Music. You’ve never heard the music?

Debra: I can’t say I have.

Heidi: Wow. Well, go ahead. Give it a shot.

Debra: Thank you, ma’am. [ The music starts and Debra starts to perform, Go Go Go Joseph. ] Go, go, go Joseph. You know what they say. Hey now Joseph, you’ll make it someday. Sha la la Joseph, you’re doing just fine. You and your dreams are ahead of your time. Go, go, go.

[ Cut to the AGT audience cheering wildly and giving a standing ovation. ]

Announcer: You didn’t think he could sing, did you? You monster! And look at Howie Mandel. [ Cut to Howie looking overly surprised and joyous. ] It’s like he’s never seen this before. But he actually has, a lot. [ Cut to the AGT logo. ] The ‘America’s Got Talent. Wait, They’re Good?’special has every moment.

[ Cut to Howie at the judges’ table. ]

Howie: So it says here that you were raised alone deep in the wilderness, like Jodie Foster’s character in that movie, “Nell”?

[ Cut to the contestant on stage in a nightgown. She is hunched over and waving her arms. ]

Wilderness Contestant: [ She speaks in a caveman like gibberish. ]

Howie: Great. We are you friends. Please. Make. Perform.

Wilderness Contestant: [ She sits on a stool and begins to sing, ‘Send in the Clowns’. ] Isn’t it rich? Are we a pair? [ Cut to Heidi looking bewildered then back to the wilderness contestant. ] Me here at last on the ground, you in mid air. [ Cut to the judges looking surprised and pleased. The audience is giving a standing ovation behind them. ]

Howie: What!!! This is crazy!!!

[ Cut back to the wilderness contestant. ]

Wilderness Contestant: Send in the clowns.

[ Cut to the AGT audience giving a standing ovation. ]

Announcer: And there goes the audience again. They genuinely didn’t see it coming. Even though they seen this guy, [ Cut to a man on stage. ] and this girl, [ Cut to a woman on stage. ] and even this. [ Cut to a dog on stage. ] And the moments just get more special. [ Cut to the AGT logo. ]

[ Cut to Simon at the judge’s table. ]

Simon: Oh dear, who are you?

[ Cut to Sheila on stage. She is standing next to her husband Levander who appears to be in a coma. ]

Sheila: My name is Sheila Block and this is my husband, Levander. He always wanted to audition, but he’s in a coma.

Simon: Oh my God. I’m so sorry. May I ask why did you bring him on stage?

Sheila: Well sir, I was hoping I could sing his song for him. It’s what he would’ve wanted.

Simon: Certainly. It seems like something every normal person would do. Off you go.

[ The music starts for ‘Ain’t No Mountain High Enough’. Sheila is dancing in place waiting for the cue, but instead Levander comes to life and begins to sing.]

Levander: Ain’t no mountain high. Ain’t no valley low. [ He takes off his hospital gown to reveal a sparkly outfit; Sheila also removes her dress to reveal a matching sparkly outfit. ] Ain’t no river wide enough baby. [ Cut to Howie screaming, ‘Whaaaaaaaaaaaa!’ then back to the couple singing on stage. ]

Sheila: If you need me call me. No matter where you are. No matter how far.

Sheila & Levander: Don’t worry baby.

Sheila: Just call my name. I’ll be there in a hurry. You don’t have to worry. [ Two dancers start dancing behind the singing couple. ]

Sheila & Levander: ‘Cause baby there ain’t no mountain high enough. Ain’t no valley low enough. Ain’t no river wide enough. To keep me from getting to you, babe.

[ Cut to the judges looking shocked and happy. Heidi is raising her hand. ]

[ Cut to the AGT logo. ]

Announcer: The ‘America’s Got Talent. Wait, They’re Good?’ Special. This Sunday at nine.

Benihana | Season 44 Episode 4

Adam Grossman…..Jonah Hill

Miss Lilly…..Leslie Jones

Tony…..Kenan Thompson

Jake…..Mikey Day

Waitress…..Kate McKinnon

Chef Gayle…..Heidi Gardner

[ Outside of a Benihana restaurant. ]

[ Cut to inside the Benihana Restaurant. Adam and Miss Lilly are seated at a teppan table with two other gentlemen, Jake and Tony. ]

Adam: Good evening fellas. Is this seat taken?

Tony: Um, no.

Adam: It’s a pleasure to join you both. My name is Adam Grossman, and I’m six years young. [ He holds up 6 fingers. ] And this is my very lovely and very single nanny, Miss Lilly. And she must be from Jamaica because she’s makin’ me go to bed at eight tonight! But I understand the decision; I’m six! [ He holds up 6 fingers again. ]

Miss Lilly: Hi. And I’m not from Jamaica.

Jake: Well, it’s very nice to meet you. Hello, my name is Jake, and this is Tony.

Adam: Well, well, well. There’s two of them Lil. I like your chances tonight. As for me, it looks like I’ll be spending another evening with my right hand and a sock. What, I’m making a sock pocket! I’m six years old. [ He holds up 6 fingers again. ]

Miss Lilly: Let’s just calm down, Adam.

Adam: I’m only joking. Sheesh. Talk about a wet blankie; I love you to death. But sometimes you’re about as fun as apple slices for dessert. I’m kidding. She’s good people. We spend a lot of time together since my parents ivorced-day.

Tony: Oh, I’m sorry.

Adam: No! Don’t feel bad for me. I’m getting every kid’s dream. Two Chanukahs!

Waitress: Can I get you folks something to drink?

Adam: A cup of joe for me, sweetheart, please. And I like my coffee like I like my nannies, black and bitter. I’m kidding. I’m six. [ He holds up 6 fingers. ] I’ll take my fruit punch, neat. Always get your drink neat here, they try to load you up on the ice so they can bone you on the punch. It’s a racket.

Miss Lilly: I’ll have a glass of wine, please.

Waitress: You bet.

Adam: Okay, so I guess I’m driving home. I’m joking. Everything’s irie mon, drink all the red stripe you want.

Miss Lilly: I am not from Jamaica.

Adam: [ He starts to sing. ] I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the dep. You’re giving me nothing here. It feels like pulling teeth without a string. How about some Chef tricks? That’ll lighten the mood. Where’s Sooshin?

[ Chef Gayle walks over to the teppan table which is covered with shrimps. She has two spatulas in her hands. ]

Chef Gayle: Hey, I’m sorry little guy. Sooshin’s not working tonight. Dude got fired for stealing beef. [ She knocks a shrimp on the ground. ] But, Gayle has got you covered. [ She tosses a shrimp at Jake with her spatula, he tries to catch it with his mouth, but it flies straight over his head. ]

[ Jake and Tony lightly clap, Miss Lilly joins in. ]

Adam: Woof. No offense, Gayle. But I haven’t been this disappointed since I found out that there is a Santa Claus and he wants nothing to do with me. I guess we’ll have to settle for small talk, so you two fellas celebrating something?

Tony: Well, actually, yes.

Jake: We both just got engaged.

Adam: Oh, mazel! Here’s some marriage advice for ya. Don’t do it!!! I’m kidding; I’m six. [ He holds up 6 fingers. ] So what do I know? You’re both obviously a lot older than me. What are you, 11, 12?

Tony: I’m 37.

Adam: Wow, so I guess my next question is, what was Moses really like? I’m teasing! Hey, at least you’re not as old as Lilly here. You know her social security number is two!

Miss Lilly: Lord, help me. Help me.

Adam: No, really. Lilly is so old that in history class she just wrote down what she was doing.

Miss Lilly: Okay, Adam. Let’s just let the nice men enjoy their dinner, okay?

Adam: [ He sings really loud. ] One Love!!!! I’m kidding. Anyway, mazel on your engagement. I’m sure you’ll both marry two very lovely women. L’chaim.

Tony: Well, actually, we’re getting married to each other.

Adam: Okay. Record scratch. You’re doing what now?

Miss Lilly: I’m sorry, he’s probably just a little confused.

Adam: Ah! More like my mind is completely frickin’ blown! Two buddies getting married to each other, that’s genius! Wait till Eli here’s about this. He’s my best friend. We’ve been playdatin’ for years. And I love him dearly. Look he’s 3’5”, he’s got four teeth, he’s got the stickiest hands I’ve ever seen. But what can I say, I like to fix people.

Jake: That’s so cute.

Adam: Now, I gotta ask..who proposed to who? Cause I’m a top and Eli’s a bottom.

Miss Lilly: Adam!

Adam: Woah! I meant bunk beds. I’m six. [ He holds up 6 fingers. ] I don’t even understand that double entendre.

Tony: Okay, maybe we should explain.

Adam: Hold that thought. I want to hear everything. But unfortunately right I have to make bumps. And Lilly, your ring’s off this time, unless you gotta fish one loose again. [ Lilly takes off her ring. ]

Miss Lilly: Would you believe that I have a four-year degree?

Adam: I have no idea what that means, but [ He begins to sing. ] Redemption song!

Weekend Update: Pete Davidson’s First Impressions of Midterm Election Candidates | Season 44 Episode 4

…..Michael Che

…..Pete Davidson

[ Michael Che and Pete Davidson are sitting at the news desk. ]

MICHAEL CHE: As we said, the midterm elections are next week. Here with his first impressions of some of the candidates is Pete Davidson.

PETE DAVIDSON: What up? Hey Che. Um, so the midterm elections are obviously a huge deal.

MICHAEL CHE: Mmmhmm.

PETE DAVIDSON: after I had to move back with my mom, I started paying attention to them. She’s loving it. And I realized there are some really gross people running for office this year. So, here are my first impressions. Uh, this guy’s fun. Rick Scott from Florida. He looks like someone tried to whittle Bruce Willis out of a penis. Here’s a New York guy, Peter King. I actually don’t know a lot about him, except that he looks like if a cigar came to life. Uh, this guy’s kinda cool, Dan Crenshaw.

MICHAEL CHE: Oh come on, man.

PETE DAVIDSON: No, hold on. You may be surprised to hear he is a Congressional candidate from Texas and not a hitman in a porno movie. I’m sorry, I know he lost his eye in war, or whatever. Whatever. Oh, here’s a Democrat, so I look fair. Gimme that, like, Cuomo guy. There he is, alright. Yeah, Cuomo. He looks like a guy that’s sleeping with your mom, but stays over night and eats breakfast with you in his boxers. And then he asks ya, ‘how the baseballs going’ and you say you don’t play baseball. And he goes, ‘Oh! Queer’.

MICHAEL CHE: That is..that is very specific.

PETE DAVIDSON: Yeah, it’s just the vibe I’m getting.

MICHAEL CHE: No, I see it. I see it.

PETE DAVIDSON: Uh, here’s someone who really gives me the creeps. Indiana congressional candidate, Mike Pence’s brother, Greg Pence. This is a picture of him watching the episode of, ‘This Is Us’, where Jack dies. Just so you know, he’s actually running as a faith-based coserva.. [ Mumbles. ] He’s running as a..running as a..what? You never messed up at work before? ..As a faith-based conservative and not a Ken doll that spent a year in a river. Yeah, still end it.

MICHAEL CHE: Yeah, there you go.

PETE DAVIDSON: It still worked, it worked. And don’t get me wrong, look, I’m not insane. I know I shouldn’t be making fun of how anyone looks. I look like I make vape juice in a bathtub. I look like a Dr. Seuss character went to prison. And the last thing I will say is, I know some of you are curious about the breakup. But the truth is, it’s nobody’s business, and sometimes things just don’t work out. And that’s okay. She’s a wonderful, strong person and I genuinely wish her all the happiness in the world. Now please, go vote on Tuesday. All right?

MICHAEL CHE: Pete Davidson, everybody.

PETE DAVIDSON: I’m still in that song though.

Late Night Battle | Season 44 Episode 2

Dance Crew (Mikey Day, Ego Nwodim, Chris Redd, Kate McKinnon)

Rival group (Awkwafina, Leslie Jones, Kenan Thompson)

[Starting at the street at night]

Ego Nwodim: Yo, where the hell are they?

Mikey Day: Looks like Tiny Bigs and her crew are just a bunch of no shows.

Chris Redd: Yeah man, let’s dip. Yeah.

Tiny: [Cut to Tiny on nerdy outfit coming to challenge them with her two friends]Wait, wait, wait. Hold up, hold up. You guys already scurred?

Leslie: They better be. We the Tiny Big crews after all.

Fontein Jackson: And we came to slay.

Tiny: Yeah, they’re going to die tonight.

Chris Redd: Yo, why don’t you say that to my face?

Tiny: [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie] I just did dumb ass, your face was there.

Mikey Day: [Cut to Mikey Day and Chris Redd] Yo, Baby Teeth, tell him the rules.

Tiny: [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie] What kind of name is baby teeth, dude?

Baby Teeth: [Cut to Baby Teeth and Ego Nwodim] I got one baby tooth and it ain’t going nowhere.

Tiny: [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie] Respect, respect.

Baby Teeth: [Cut to Baby Teeth, Ego Nwodim, Mikey Day and Chris Redd] You know the rules, typical dance battle. We dance, you dance. We win, you go home crying.

Fontein Jackson: [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie, Fontein Jackson flipping his knife] You sure about that?

Tiny: Hey, hey, hey, put that away, Fontein Jackson. We don’t need knives. We’ll slice them up with our dance moves.

Mikey Day: [Cut to Mikey Day and Chris Redd] You wish. Let’s get it.

[Chris Redd starts music on a boombox player and starts the dance battle, ends the dance with a Fortnite move and a dab]

Tiny: [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie] Okay, so at that level. All right. Prepare to be served.

Leslie: Yeah, get ready for this three-course meal.

Fontein Jackson: Yeah, complete with Amuse-bouche!

Tiny: Let’s get that ahead.

[Fontein Jackson starts their boombox music player playing old music and dance funnily, ending with a dab]

Chris Redd: Did ya’ll just bust moves to ‘the price is right’ thing?

Tiny: [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie] Yeah, hell yeah we did.

Fontein Jackson: Yeah, because we winners.

Leslie: Like on the game show.

Tiny: Jealous?

Baby Teeth: [Cut to Baby Teeth, Ego Nwodim, Mikey Day and Chris Redd] I mean it made sense to me, but I’m stupid.

Mikey Day: Trying to confuse us, throw us off our game.

Ego Nwodim: Yeah, Tiny Bigs is notorious for that.

Mikey Day: Yeah, yeah, yeah. We jut got to bring it. Yo, come on. Some freestyle.

[Chris Redd plays the music and carries on the dance battle]

[Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie]

Fontein Jackson: You see that Tiny?

Tiny: I did Fontein Jackson. That was what you call some weak sauce.

Fontein Jackson: Yeah, like a watery ass marinara.

Leslie: Or even alfredo.

Tiny: Let’s show them how to thicken it up. Choke on this!

[Fontein Jackson starts their boombox music player playing old music and dance funnily]

[Cut to Baby Teeth, Ego Nwodim, Mikey Day and Chris Redd]

Ego Nwodim: Was that a wrong answer side effect at the end?

Chris Redd: It sure was, and it only punctuated how next level they are.

Baby Teeth: Guys they’re raising the bar. We got to be twice as good.

Tiny: [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie] Good luck with that because we brought a secret weapon.

Fontein Jackson: Yeah. Little Bang Bang! Get down here.

[Cut to Baby Teeth, Ego Nwodim, Mikey Day and Chris Redd, confused]

Chris Redd: Wait, Little Bang Bang?

Baby Teeth: He was a backup dancer on the 2014 Mariah Carey tour.

Little Bang Bang: Yeah! [Cut to Travis Scott as Little Bang Bang joins the team] All right. It’s time to end this. But first, I want to be clear with you all. You all corny.

[Cut to Baby Teeth, Ego Nwodim, Mikey Day and Chris Redd, confused]

Chris Redd: Corny?

Ego Nwodim: What?

Mikey Day: Band Bang Yo!

Baby Teeth: You don’t stand a chance.

[Cut to Tiny, Little Bang Bang, Fontein Jackson, and Leslie]

Little Bang Bang: Hit it.

[Fontein Jackson plays baby music that Little Bang Bang dances to]

Leslie: How are you all going to respond to that?

[Cut to Baby Teeth, Ego Nwodim, Mikey Day and Chris Redd, confused]

Mikey Day: Yo, how can we?

Tiny: Looks like we won. Boom! Boom!

Chris Redd: Yeah, yeah. That’s undeniable.

Fontein Jackson: You know what? Why don’t we all just kick it together?

Cleopatra | Season 44 Episode 2

Cleopatra (Cecily Strong)

Isis (Awkwafina)

Becky (Kate McKinnon)

Xerxes (Kenan Thompson)

[History channel intro playing]

Voiceover: You’re watching the History channel. At 8, it’s World War I. At 9, it’s World War II lost in New York. But now we return to The Hidden Tales of Egypt.

[Cut to Empress Cleopatra, her messenger, and two servers inside an ancient Egypt castle]

Messenger: Empress Cleopatra, your beauticians are here.

Empress: Send them in.

Isis: Hi. Oh my god, I’m sorry we’re late. Got stuck for hours in pyramid construction.

Empress: Excuse me?

Isis: Okay wait, sorry. Call me because I just came in here with like awful play.

Hi, I’m Isis. Normal name. I’m going to be doing your make-up today and these are my assistants. [Cut to Xerxes and Becky] Xerxes and Becky.

Xerxes: What’s up you duddy horses?

Becky: Hi. I love the look you vibe in here. [Whispering] I’m lying.

Isis: Ignore her. Becky’s whole thing is like she’s a nightmare. So what are we thinking for tonight?

Empress: I’m a queen. I don’t concern myself with matters of appearance.

Isis: Okay. I am down for a natural look but for me, and I’m a fan, I walked in here and thought ‘Oh god, she looks like a hot Mesopotamia’.

Xerxes: [Cut to Xerxes and Becky] Yes, give us something. Anything.

Becky: Yeah, I want to be like “Yes queen”, but now I’m kind of like “Mah  queen”.

Empress: [Cut to Isis and the Empress] You forget who you’re speaking to.

Isis: No, all I’m saying is you’re going to go out tonight and your face is going to be painted on, like a thousand vases, right?

Xerxes: [Cut to Xerxes and Becky, Xerxes showing her paint on a vase] Yeah, this was you last week at the [unintelligible 01:32]?

Empress: [Cut to Isis and the Empress] No. That’s me? Oh, I look horrible. Delete that. Delete that!

[Cut to Xerxes and Becky, Xerxes drops the vase on purpose to break it, reacting to the empress asking to delete it]

Isis: [Cut to Isis and the Empress]Look, you trust me right?

Empress: No.

Isis: Okay funny, are you a cat? Because I worship you. Come over here. [Isis holds the empress’s hand and takes her to the makeup table] Let’s try something new with your make-up.

[Cut to Isis brushing the empress]

Becky: Wow, [Cut to Xerxes and Becky] send me to a vomitorium because I’m gagging.

Xerxes: Ah, if we were hieroglyphs, this would be us right now. [Xerxes and Becky biting their tongues out]

Isis: [Cut to Isis and the Empress,]Okay, what do we think?

Empress: Wait. Me?

Isis: I love it. Bury my organs in lots of little jars because I am dead.

Empress: Wow, Okay. I could get used to this.

Isis: And we’re on our roles. Xerxes, let’s prop the hair. [Xerxes comes to the empress]

Xerxes: Okay, how do you feel about extensions?

Empress: Oh, not for me. No.

Xerxes: Okay, good. Because it’s a full wig. [Becky comes to the empress with a wig]

Empress: Wait, is that my hair?

Becky: You’re welcome.

Xerxes: Yeah. And just so you know, I work with with her and not for her.

Isis: And what do you think?

Empress: Wow, amazing!

Xerxes: I am officially perfection.

Empress: Okay wait. So is this my look everyday?

Isis: Yes, this is everyday. This is errand. This is brunch. This is executions.

Empress: Well I love, okay? Thank you.

Emperor: Well babe, been waiting in this chariot forever.

Empress: Get out. I’m getting ready. What do you think?

Emperor: About what?

Empress: My hair, my make up.

Emperor: Why, is it different?

Empress: Yes.

Emperor: It’s good, I guess.

Empress: Shut up, you spoil me. Let me get dressed.

Emperor: Um, Megan, snap me. We got Rezzies.

Isis: Okay, you guys are cute.

Empress: We fight but the sex is insane.

Voiceover: [Ending intro playing] This has been the Hidden Tales of Egypt.

 

Weekend Update: Eric and Donald Trump Jr. on the Mid-Term Elections | Season 44 Episode 2

Host…..Colin Jost

Eric.….Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr…….Mikey Day

[Starting the news with Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Now, with midterm elections a little over a month away, many Republicans are turning to the Trump name to help bolster their campaigns. Here to comment are first sons Eric and Donald Trump Jr.

[Camera slides to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Thank you, Colin. It’s good to be back here at SNL, Saturday Night Liberals. Haha… [Eric leans towards Colin laughing] Okay, that’s

Colin Jost: How were your summers, guys?

Donald Trump Jr.: Ooh, busy. For me it was running the Trump Organization, breaking ground on a new Trump Property–

Eric: And I had swim lessons.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. Someone got his ducky badge.

[Cut to Eric showing his ducky badge under his jacket collar]

Yeah, baby. Yeah.

[Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr., Eric very proud]

No longer a tadpole bud. But midterms– midterms are next month, and that’s why my father has called for all Trump hands on deck. He asked me to stump for Republicans on the campaign drill.

Eric: And he asked me not to do that.

[Mimicking President Donal Trump] “Stay home, Eric.”

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah, that’s right bud. You get to stay home and watch all the action on TV. Right? Fist bump, blow it up. Boom.

Eric: Ah! [Scared]

Donald Trump Jr.: Oh. It’s not a real explosion, just made a noise with my mouth. All right buddy? [Eric looks at Donald’s hand in a distrustful manner] It’s not magic in any way. It’s just a fist bud. Look, my father’s confident that supposed blue wave isn’t making landfall anytime soon, which I’m sure makes everyone sad here at SNL, Saturday Night Liberals– I’m sorry I’m teasing. [Cut to Eric, Donald, and Colin] I had to do it again. What do you do? Hey, we’re on fire. Maybe we should take over for Jost and Che buddy. I got some jokes I can tell.

Eric: Me too. What do the gay black jews–

Donald Trump Jr.: No, don’t tell them. No! You can’t tell that joke.

Eric: But dad does.

Donald Trump Jr.: No, he does not. No, he does not.

Eric: Yeah. He does. And he does all the voices.

Donald Trump Jr.: Respectfully. He does a very respectful gay voice.

Colin: [Cut to Colin, Eric, and Donald] I’m sure, yes. Now this week, the New York Times reported that President Trump set up Sham Corporations to disguise millions in gifts from his father to avoid taxes.

Donald Trump Jr.: Look, okay, yes. [Cut to Eric and Donald] Our grandfather gave our father gifts over the years, but it wasn’t to avoid taxes. It was to–

Eric: Evade taxes.

Donald Trump Jr.: No Eric. You want to play with your puppet? Got him a puppet. Here you go bud.

Colin: Oh, that’s great.

Donald Trump Jr.: Play with that. Collin, when the left is backed into a corner– don’t just stare at it. Don’t know how a puppet works? Look! Look, put your hand in here, right? Then you can make the mouth move. Look, [speaking as the puppet] “Hello Eric, I’m King funny face.”

Eric: Damn, he knows my name.

Donald Trump Jr.: [speaking as the puppet] Yes. Everyone knows Eric’s name. He’s such a good boy.

Eric: Where do you live?

Donald Trump Jr.: [speaking as the puppet] Oh, I live in a castle.

Eric: I live in a tower.

Donald Trump Jr.: [speaking as the puppet] Oh.

Eric: King, can I ask you a question?

Donald Trump Jr.: [speaking as the puppet] Um-hmm.

Eric: What did the gay black jew–

Donald Trump Jr.: No, okay. We’re done. Thank you, pal.

Colin: [Cut to Colin, Eric, and Donald] Eric and Donald Trump Jr. everyone. Thank you so much.

Weekend Update: Florida Voting Rights Initiative | Season 44 Episode 2

Host 1…..Micheal Che

Host 2…..Colin Jost

Michael Che: [Michael Che with a picture of Florida inside the prison with a tag ‘FELON VOTING RIGHTS’ in the right top corner] A new initiative is on the ballot in Florida this November that would restore voting rights to people with felony convictions. I think this is a very important issue, especially when you consider the millions of black and brown men that have been unfairly incarcerated and should have the right to vote. Now, if you disagree with me, let me remind you, [top right corner picture changes to Donald Trump with a tag ‘SCARY TIME’] it’s a very scary time for young men in America. You can be guilty of something that you may not be guilty of. See, it’s a good line.

[Cut to Colin Jost with a picture of Arizona and cake with a tag ‘FIRE DAMAGE’ at top left corner]

Colin Jost: And Arizona fire that caused millions in damage began when a father at a gender reveal party used a high-velocity firearm to shoot a target that exploded. So we don’t know the gender, but we do know who’s getting custody.

(Sorry.)

[top left corner picture changes to a goat with colorful horns with a tag ‘PARTY GOATS’]

A popular new trend in Los Angeles are Party Goats which are goats that are brought to parties and jump on people’s backs. Meanwhile, in China, a popular new trend is studying math and science.

Michael Che: [Michael Che with a picture of a white bottle of whiskey with Game of Thrones theme with a tag ‘NEW WHISKEY in the right top corner] The makers of Johnny Walker are introducing a series of whiskey inspired by Game of Thrones. The whiskeys are so strong that you’ll forget she’s your aunt.

[Cut to Colin Jost with a picture of barber seat with a tag ‘ 8-YEAR-OLD BARBER’ at top left corner]

Colin Jost: An eight-year-old in Pennsylvania has become a barber and now gives free haircuts to kids in the neighborhood and guess what? [top left corner picture changes to a picture of a young girl cutting a young boy’s hair messed up] They suck.

[top left corner picture changes to a picture of two penguins with a tag ‘ABDUCT BABY PENGUIN’]

A zookeeper in Denmark reported that a gay penguin couple abducted a baby penguin while his parents were swimming. [top left corner picture changes to a screenshot of grandma’s email] This according to an e-mail from my grandma titled “FW: FW: FW: What Obama Did.”

Michael Che: [Michael Che with a picture of a Starbucks logo with a tag ‘BARISTAS COMPLAIN’ in the right top corner] Starbucks baristas in Seattle are saying they are being forced to dispose of hypodermic needles left behind in the stores every day by drug users. Meanwhile, over at 7ELEVEN, [top right corner picture changes to a picture of 7Eleven coffee being stirred by medical needle] they’re using them as stirrers.

Baby Shower | Season 44 Episode 2

Deedee…..Awkwafina

…..Heidi Gardner

Janet…..Aidy Bryant

…..Leslie Jones

Carrie…..Cecily Strong

…..Melissa Villaseñor

[Five ladies are sitting inside a room for a baby shower]

Heidi: Who got me this? Janet was this from you? It’s a little bib that says ‘Hot Mess’.

Janet: [Cut to Janet sitting holding her baby] Yes, yes, there is this store that puts gay talk on baby things and I can’t get enough.

Heidi: [Cut to Heidi] That’s so cute.

Carrie: [Cut to Carrie] Hey, what’s the door code?

Heidi: [Cut to Heidi and Carrie] 343, why?

Carrie: Oh, my girl Deedee just got here.

Leslie: [Cut to Leslie and Janet] Your girl? What do you mean?

Carrie: [Cut to Carrie] Oh yes, I invited my dog walker to come.

Heidi: [Cut to Heidi, confused] To my baby shower?

Janet: Why?

Carrie: [Cut to Carrie] Because she’s cool and we’ve gotten very close through texts and she’s like somebody I want to be more like.

Heidi: [Cut to Heidi, confused] Okay I guess.

[Deedee comes through the door with a pizza slice on her hand]

Deedee: Oh hey, what’s up? I’m Deedee, Hi.

Carrie: Deedee, hi, come sit down next to me. [Carrie pushes away her friend Tina who was already sitting next to her]

Deedee: Hi, cool party. Looks like I’m the youngest one here, pretty dope.

Tina: [Cut to Tina] I guess so. Do you need a plate for that?

Deedee: [Cut to Deedee and Carrie] I mean pizza’s a plate right?

Carrie: Pizza’s a plate. Haha, that’s Deedee.

Deedee: So who’s the baby shower for?

Heidi: [Cut to Heidi raising her hands] Me. Oh my go, I can’t believe my due date is so soon.

Leslie: [Cut to Leslie, Tina and Janet] Aww, don’t be nervous. We’ve all been through it. You’ll be fine.

Tina: I’ve had three.

Janet: Yeah, and I’ve had my Joshua.

Carrie: [Cut to Carrie and Deedee] Well, we don’t all have kids. I’d need to find a boyfriend first.

[Cut to Leslie, Tina and Janet laugh out loud]

[Cut to Carrie and Deedee looking at them laugh]

Deedee: Excuse me, why did everyone laugh?

Janet: [Cut to Leslie, Tina and Janet] Well, she made a little joke.

[Cut to Carrie and Deedee]

Deedee: Is it a joke? I mean Carrie doesn’t have a partner or anything, so is that the funny part?

Carrie: Deedee, it’s fine.

Deedee: Is it fine? Because I think they’re being rude knowing your situation.

Carrie: I know they are, okay? But this is what I’m used to, okay? It’s not like I can say something. [Carrie speaks with a crying voice, then storms out of the sofa]

Deedee: Carrie, where are you going?

Carrie: I’m going away.

Deedee: Carrie, look at me.

Leslie: [Cut to Leslie and Janet] What’s happening?

Janet: I don’t know.

Deedee: [Cut to Deedee and Carrie] If you leave right now, they win. Is that what you want?

Carrie: No, I just like– I don’t need to be reminded of not having a boyfriend, you know? [Deedee starts to stare at them angrily] Like, honestly. I’ve always been the cutest one and I’ve had the best personality [Cut to Leslie, Tina and Janet looking at Carrie in disbelief saying all these negative things about them] and none of these girls even dated in high school. I did. So where’s my baby?

Tina: [Cut to Tina and Leslie] Hi, why don’t we just go back to opening gifts? This one’s for me and my triplets.

Deedee: [Cut to Deedee and Carrie] Okay, nope. New plan. You’ve upset our friend Carrie. So we’re going to get rid of all the baby crap in this room.

Janet: What?

Deedee: Everybody get up. We’re getting all the baby stuff out of this room. We’re not doing this to Carrie. Up, up, up. Hey prego!(pregnant) Up!

Carrie: [Cut to Carrie] Thanks for being on my side. [Deedee goes to tear the posters and throw the balloons]

Tina: Hey. What–? No, don’t! Don’t rip that down. This is a baby shower.

Heidi: My baby shower. What? Hey!

Deedee: Can you stop talking about yourself for five seconds or what? Carrie just opened up her heart.

Leslie: [Cut to Leslie, Tina and Janet] She said she was prettier than all of us.

Tina: And had a better personality.

Carrie: That’s all you heard? And now you just have to stand here and stare at your baby.

[Cut to Janet confused]

Deedee: Hey, um, put that baby in the bedroom.

Janet: Uh, no.

Deedee: Because I’m asking you nicely, you put that baby in the bedroom or I will.

Leslie: [Cut to Leslie, Tina and Janet] Oh my go, you need to calm down.

Deedee: [Cut to Deedee and Carrie] I will tear this place apart if that’s what it takes to get you to care about your friend.

Tina: [Cut to Leslie, Tina and Janet] Carrie, you have never mentioned wanting a baby.

Carrie: [Cut to Deedee and Carrie] Because I haven’t. I just thought about it right now.

Deedee: I have asked you three times to put that baby in the bedroom.

Janet: Okay. [Janet stands up and Deedee walks towards Janet] Oh my god. [Walking away from Deedee] Come on Josh.

Heidi: [Cut to Heidi] Carrie, I didn’t even know you were looking to date anyone. Why don’t you go out with my friend Reggie? He think you’re really cute.

Carrie: [Cut to Carrie and Deedee] Wait what? He does? What?

Heidi: [Cut to Heidi nodding her head] Yes, I emailed you that.

Carrie: [Cut to Carrie and Deedee] You did? When? It must have gotten to my junk. Oh no, I threw it out. Look at Reggie, oh he’s cute. Yeah, I guess. Like, yeah. Cool.

Deedee: All right, well this seems good. Feel better?

Carrie: Yeah.

Deedee: Good. I just want you to remember you’re better than them looks-wise and personality-wise. Don’t let them bully you anymore, okay?

Carrie: Thanks girl.

Deedee: All right, what are we doing? Shots? Presents?

Heidi: [Cut to Heidi] Presents, thank you, but should we go tell Janet she can come back?

Leslie: [Cut to Leslie and Tina] No, she’s been having nervous gas this whole time.

Tina: How do you know it wasn’t the baby?

Leslie: What does the baby have to be nervous about?

So You’re Willing to Date a Magician | Season 44 Episode 2

Host…..Leslie Jones

Tracy…..Awkwafina

Marconius Wilde…..Kenan Thompson

…..Pete Davidson

…..Mickey Day

…..Kyle Mooney

[Intro of So You’re Willing To Date a Magician]

Host: [Host and Tracy standing on the stage] Welcome back to ‘You’re Willing To Date a Magician”. We have four bachelor magicians hoping to cast a spell on our constant Tracy. Tracy, why do you want to date a musician?

Tracy: Well, I just got out of a two-year-old relationship with a DJ, so I’m not feeling that picky.

Host: Ah! Well, that’s fine. Now let’s meet our four single magicians.

Voiceover: [Cut to Marconius Wilde’s pictures on cool video effects] Marconius Wildd. There’s a slide of hand magician who divides his time between Las Vagas, Nevada and a parcel of land just outside of Las Vegas, Nevada.

[Cut to Marconius enters the stage from the door with a deck of cards]

Marconius: Tracy, tonight I’m a king [showing a card, King of hearts] and I’m hoping that you will be, Tracy check your pocket.

[Cut to Tracy and the host, Tracy checks the pocket and shows the card Queen of Hearts] [Tracy is not excited, but the host is very much excited]

Host: Oh my god, it’s a queen of hearts. You’re going to want to keep that.

Marconius: [Comes to Tracy and takes the card back and leaves] Yeah, I need that back. I appreciate it.

Host: All right then. Yes, next is Henry Van Dazzle.

Voiceover: [Cut to Henry Van Dazzle’s pictures on cool video effects] Henry calls himself an Artisan of Amazement on his LinkedIn page.

[Cut to Henry enters the stage from the door with his hands cuffed]

Henry: Charmed my lady. I always said no shackles could hold me [uncuffs himself as a trick] until I met you.

Host: [Cut to Tracy and host] Whoa, that’s impressive right?

Tracy: Yeah, it’s a cool party trick.

Henry: [Cut to Henry] If only one could be invited to a party.

[Cut to Tracy and host]

Host: Okay, next is Dante Raven.

Voiceover: [Cut to Dante Raven’s pictures on cool video effects] Dante is described as a body endurance artist and the prince of self-inflicted pain.

[Cut to Dante enters the stage from the door]

Hey Tracy. I’m the guy for you. I once snorted a billiard ball to impress Valderrama but enough about me, I better hold my tongue. [Literally holds his tongue and pierces it with a long dagger]

[Cut to Tracy and the host disgusted]

Tracy: No, please. Not again.

Host: Why Dante, why? She don’t like that Dante. That’s not magic. That’s not magic.

Voiceover: [Cut to Justin Bird pictures on cool video effects] Finally we have Justin Bird from the Brother and Sister team, Byrds of Prey. Fans say their act violates the laws of time and space.

[Cut to Justin enters the stage from the door with his sister dancing]

Justin: HAHAHAHA. Indeed. And those are only some of the laws my sister, and I have violated.

[Cut to Tracy and the host]

Tracy: Yeah, he’s nice, but it’s weird his sister is always with him.

[Cut to Justin and his sister]

Justin: Don’t want my sister around? Well, I can easily make her disappear. Vanessa! Vanessa! Oh, I thought I lost you.

Host: Okay Tracy, you are asked to go on a date with each of our bachelor magicians. Let’s start with Marconius Wilde.  [Cut to Marconius staring at them] What did you do with him?

[Cut to Tracy and the host]

Tracy: He said he’d already eaten so he too me to a bookstore where we browsed for three hours until he accidentally found a book he was mentioned in the thank yous.

[Cut to Marconius]

Marconius: It’s an intriguing title called “Houdini’s Mistress.” Check your pocket, Michelle.

[Cut to Tracy and the host]

Host: Wow, he signed it. That’s so—

[Marconius comes to the host and takes the book back and leaves]

Marconius: Yeah I need that back.

Host: Really? All right then. Let’s go to Henry Van Dazzle. [Cut to Henry] HenryHow was your date with him?

Tracy: [Cut to Tracy and the host] A little weird. He took me to this Burlesque show that they do a month in pickle factory in Brooklyn.

Henry: [Cut to Henry] Oh, Burlesque, the thinking man’s erotica.

Tracy: [Cut to Tracy and the host] Yeah, I guess he thought that made it okay and fun fact, I saw his ID. He’s 55.

Henry: [Cut to Henry] That ID is merely an illusion I use to get senior discounts at Denny’s.

[Cut to Tracy and the host]

Host: Okay dude. Let’s get over to Dante Raven. [Cut to Dante] How did that go?

Tracy: Dante said he was going to take me on a freaky [Cut to Tracy and the host] journey inside the mind. We actually went to a very modestly priced Italian restaurant. [Cut to Dante teasing Tracy]

Host: Nice.

Tracy: [Cut to Tracy and the host] Later when they brought the check, he asked if he could pay by running a sewing needle through his testicles and they said no.

Dante: [Cut to Dante] But I did it anyway for I’ve mastered my pain. [Hits his own head with a bottle and breaks it]

[Cut to Tracy and the host]

Host: No Dante. No. How about Justin Bird? [Cut to Justin and his sister] Where did he take you?

Tracy: Oh, we went to Chile’s [Cut to Tracy and the host] which would have been fine but his sister kind of stared at me the whole time. Kind of like that. [Cut to Justin’s sister staring at Tracy] [Cut to Tracy and the host, host is shocked] It also got awkward when our waiter came.

Host: Why is that?

Henry: [Cut to Henry] Because it was me. Waiting tables is my side hustle. My lady.

Tracy: [Cut to Tracy and the host] It’s his main hustle.

Host: Okay Tracy, if you’re willing to go on a moonlit cruise with one of these guys, we’ll pay for it.  Who will it be? [Cut to Marconius acting weird] Marconius? [Camera moving to Henry, Dante and Justin, and his sister] Henry? Dante? Or Justin?

Tracy: [Cut to Tracy and the host] Oh man, it’s so hard to pick one. Would it be possible to pick nobody?

Host: Well that’s what happened last week. So let’s do it again. When we come back, we’ll tell you—[Dante comes close to Tracy in the cut] Why Dante, why? [Dante leaves]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Travis Scott: Skeletons/Astrothunder Medley (Live) | Season 44 Episode 2

Musical Guest…..Travis Scott

[Picture of Travis Scott]

Awkwafina: [Cut to Awkwafina on the SNL stage] Ladies and gentlemen, Travis Scott.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[Travis Scott on the stage with his band on the right side and a girl on a rotating wooden horse on the left side]

[Playing song Skeletons by Travis Scott]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, ooh
Feels like slow motion,

we’re floating at the speed, yeah
Yeah, yeah
Louder, louder
Higher, higher, higher, higher, higher, yeah, higher
It’s like standing in the ocean

We just rocked Coachella, I gave her half of the check
It was good sex, honorable mention to the neck
Didn’t pass the loud, that was out of respect
Afterwards, pass the towel, I was out of Kleenex
If you take your girl out, do you expect sex?
If she take her, do you expect checks?
First visit, I gave her a pearl necklace
Next visit, I’ma need your girl naked
Took a church visit, you know, ’cause the world hectic’

Like floating, if I can’t be in time
I don’t know, I don’t know

wash on me, wash on me, yeah
if I can’t be loved
I don’t know a sound
Standing in the ocean, standing in the ocean, Ooh
Bad memories like waves echoing

[Playing the song Astrothunder by Travis Scott]

Yeah,

Seem like the life I feel
Seem like the life I feel’s a little distant, yeah
Seems like the life I need
Seems like the life I need’s a little distant, yeah

Light the remedy, yeah
Sit back while I watch, repeat
Do it on repeat-repeat
Sins controllin’ me, yeah
Angels, halos over me
I can’t even give that D
You been out the streets, yeah
Wilin’ out on me and my Gs
We been rolling for a week
Now you wanna peak, yeah
Hands up, why they tryna reach?
I can’t even get that deep
Told you I don’t teach, yeah
Practice, oh, no, never preach
Practice, oh, no, never preach
Infiltrate the enemy, moving in on them randomly

Feels like the life I need’s a little distant, yeah, yeah
Feels like the life I need, yeah
Feels like the life I need’s a little distant, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah-ah

[Cheers and applause]