The Cardinals The Pope (Baldwin) requests that priests keep privates to themselves.
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey Ally McBeal (Rachel Dratch) objects to concellation of her show. Tobey Maguire (Seth Meyers) is non-energetic choice for Spiderman role. Tina Fey’s daughter Savannah (Amy Poehler) is embarrassed by Mom’s work. Recurring Characters: Ally McBeal.
P.O.D. performs “Youth of the Nation”
Love-ahs Surprise birthday party for Roger Clarvin (Will Ferrell). Recurring Characters: Roger Clarvin, Virginia Clarvin.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 27: Episode 2 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
October 6th, 2001 Seann William Scott Sum41 None Chevy ChaseA Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: Regarding the 9/11 attacks, President George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) advises Osama bin Laden: “You screwed up big time.” Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush. Transcript
MontageNote: Ben Stiller was originally scheduled months in advance to host this episode, but his publicists tried to get Marci Klein to move him up to the season premiere so he could promote an earlier release for “Zoolander.” Presuming Stiller was trying to cancel his hosting gig because he didn’t think he could be funny so soon after the 9/11 attacks, Klein disinvited him altogether. Note: Seann William Scott was originally scheduled to host the next episode.
Seann William Scott’s MonologueSummary: Seann William Scott presents footage of semen scenes in classic Hollywood films his ancestors starred in. Transcript
Law & Order: Parking Violations UnitSummary: The latest incarnation of “Law & Order” focuses on some of the lesser crimes of the suburban area. Transcript
Jeffrey’sSummary: More customer insults from the stuck-up clothing emporium clerks (Jimmy Fallon, Seann William Scott). Recurring Characters: Clerk, Burly Customer, Supervisor. Transcript
Emmy Awards Pre-ShowSummary: Joan Rivers (Ana Gasteyer) speaks out at the dressed-down festivities. Recurring Characters: Steve Kmetko, Joan Rivers, Calista Flockhart, Della Reese, Garry Shandling, Camryn Manheim, Walter Cronkite. Note: This sketch appeared as the cold opening in dress rehearsal. Transcript
Jarret’s RoomSummary: Jarret (Jimmy Fallon) and Gobi (Horatio Sanz) return for a new semester of college hijinks by showing off some bad yearbook photos. Recurring Characters: Jarret, Gobi, Jeff, DJ Jonathan Feinstein. Transcript
Sum41 performs “Fat Lip”
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Tina Fey delivers a Visceral Editorial about Israel. Tracy Morgan says that he’s in favor of racial profiling. Tina Fey is attacked by the infamous Land Shark (Chevy Chase). Recurring Characters: Land Shark. Transcript
Patriotic ShortsSummary: Office workers are allowed to wear flag-themed clothing as a display of patriotism, but Dale McGrew (Will Ferrell) takes it too far when he shows up wearing a tiny pair of flag speedos. Recurring Characters: Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez. Transcript
The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, ShowSummary: Antonio Banderas (Chris Kattan) tries to use his wily charms on Paula Zahn (Amy Poehler). Recurring Characters: Antonio Banderas, Senor Guadalupe Ramirez, Paula Zahn. Note: This sketch was last from last week’s dress rehearsal with Reese Witherspoon playing Paula Zahn. Transcript
My Big Thick NovelSummary: Jack Handey reads from a chapter in which his character is hit with a blowdart. Transcript
Sum41 performs “In Too Deep”
The Approval CenterSummary: Deadbeats are approved for anything and everything, without even fully understanding the circumstances. Transcript
My Girlfriend the Porn StarSummary: Sara (Amy Poehler) comes clean to her boyfriend (Seann William Scott) and admits that she makes porn movies for a living. Transcript
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 27: Episode 8 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
December 8th, 2001 Hugh Jackman Mick Jagger None None White House MeetingSummary: Al Gore (Darrell Hammond) phones the White House during a crucial meeting. Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Vice-President Dick Cheney, Al Gore, Donald Rumsfeld. Transcript
Montage
Hugh Jackman’s MonologueSummary: Hugh Jackman sings “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas.” Transcript
Loose BearSummary: Loose Bear scares the crap out of you when you’re constipated. Transcript
Jarret’s RoomSummary: Jarret (Jimmy Fallon) and Gobey (Horatio Sanz) crack up over their suitemate’s (Jeff Richards) embarrassing home videos. Recurring Characters: Jarret, Gobey, D.J. Jonathan Feinstein. Transcript
The Robert Goulet All-Holiday SpecialRecurring Characters: Robert Goulet. Transcript
Family Christmas PortraitSummary: Messed-up photographers (Hugh Jackman, Seth Meyers) wreck havoc for a family posing for a portrait at Sear’s.
Mick Jagger performs “God Give Me Everything I Want”Also Appeared: 92l
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Chris Kattan’s gives a Terrible Re-Enactment of Geraldo Rivera’s fall in Afghanistan. Drunk Girl (Jeff Richards) hits on Jimmy Fallon during her commentary. Recurring Characters: Drunk Girl. Transcript
Hello, DollySummary: More grotesque – yet, cute – dolls are put on display. Recurring Characters: Deanna Nolen Gray.
Mick Jagger’s Dressing RoomSummary: Mick Jagger talks to his reflection (Jimmy Fallon) in his dressing room mirror. Transcript
Superman’s Fortress of SolitudeSummary: Superman’s (Hugh Jackman) parents (Will Ferrell, Maya Rudolph) make awkward small talk with their son. Recurring Characters: Superman. Transcript
Mick Jagger performs “Vision Of Paradise”
The Donatella Versace ShowSummary: Donatella Versace (Maya Rudolph) interviews fashion experts. Recurring Characters: Donatella Versace.
The Christmas KangarooSummary: Hugh Jackman recalls his dad (Will Ferrell) fighting with the Christmas Kangaroo, and subsequently getting anal-raped. Transcript
Goodnights
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Dress Rehearsal Cuts Little SleuthsSummary: Little sleuths Bookie Newton (Seth Meyers) and kid sister Sam (Amy Poehler) help early 1900’s British detective Alistair Chesterfield (Hugh Jackman) deduce who killed Lady Worthington. Recurring Characters: Bookie Newton, Sam. Note: This sketch appears as a bonus feature on SNL’s Best of Amy Poehler DVD. Transcript
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: April 6th, 2002 Cameron Diaz Jimmy Eat World None
Jimmy Eat World, “”
The Culps Marty (Will Ferrell) & Bobbie Mohan-Culp (Ana Gasteyer) sing medley at lamaze class. Recurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobbie Mohan-Culp.
Cameron Diaz’s Monologue Diaz introduces the world to her butt choreographer (Will Ferrell).
The 17th Annual Auto Show Spokeswoman Awards Auto show spokeswomen are honored for their achievements in pointing at cars.
M-TV Spring Break Co-eds (Diaz, Maya Rudolph) only want to dance to “That Don’t Impress Me Much”. Donald Sutherland (Will Ferrell) and Glenn Close (Ana Gasteyer) emcee 530th SNL.
Astronaut Jones Astronaut Jones (Tracy Morgan) runs into Jupiterians. Recurring Characters: Astronaut Jones.
Celine Dion Special Celine’s (Ana Gasteyer) special showcases her attempts to become normal. Recurring Characters: Celine Dion.
Gorgeous Living with Prunella Watson Prunella (Rachel Dratch) and Portia (Diaz) give eccentric tips for gorgeousness.
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey Denzel Washington (Dean Edwards) and Halle Berry (Maya Rudolph) are still ecstatic. Robot Tina breaks down during Clinton joke, is replaced by newer model. Geraldo Rivera (Darrell Hammond) outlines Tour of Terror schedule. Jasper Hahn (Horatio Sanz) and Trina (Diaz) introduce dirty fuzzy friends. Recurring Characters: Geraldo Rivera, Jasper Hahn.
Jimmy Eat World performs “The Middle”
Mr. Peepers Anthropologist (Will Ferrell) shows off discovery of Mrs. Peepers (Diaz). Recurring Characters: Mr. Peepers.
M-TV 4 Hip-enough underground music network introduces the Crash Papayas.
Jimmy Eat World performs “Sweetness”
My Big Thick Novel Spying through binoculars as the sun glistens off Lalani’s breasts.
Jonny Moseley’s Monologue Moseley explains why coming in fourth place was more satisfying for him.
Boston Teens Sully (Jimmy Fallon) & Denise (Rachel Dratch) argue on ski lift. Recurring Characters: Sully, Denise, Frank.
The O’Reilly Factor Bill O’Reilly (Jeff Richards) doesn’t believe facts over his opinions.
Dismissed Goof (Moseley) chooses between slut (Maya Rudolph) and one-legged (Amy Poehler).
Jonny’s Journey Moseley’s dinner roll jump becomes flight around the world.
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey Canadian skaters (Will Ferrell, Amy Poehler) want to finish hosting the show. Gossiper Hollywood (Chris Kattan) lists celebrity names without rumors. Jimmy Fallon’s clown joke results in premature pie throw.
Outkast performs “The Whole World”
Super Buzzers Game Show Network rerun features huge celebrity panel with no questions.
Typhoid Mary: The Musical Carol Channing replacement (Ana Gasteyer) puts damper on production.
TV Funhouse Michael Jackson swears he’s no longer attracted to little boys.
Ryan Adams performs “New York, New York”
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey Rudolph Guiliani (Darrell Hammond) insists on being Mayor for life. Cartoonist Jasper Hahn draws naughty pictures of Osama bin Laden. Recurring Characters: Mayor Rudolph Guiliani, Jasper Hahn.
Family Dinner Arguments II Three years later, this family’s still arguing over dinner.
Mango Mango recalls dating Patrow, and thwarts Matt Damon’s advances. Recurring Characters: Mango.
Fiesta Politica Donald Rumsfield (Darrell Hammond) wonders why he was asked as guest.
My Big Thick Novel Author dies after endless chase and mauling from lion.
Tony Bennet….Alec Baldwin David Gest….Chris Kattan Liza Minelli….Maya Rudolph
[Opens with THE TONY BENNET LOGO. Swanky suite at a Las Vegas hotel]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Tony Bennet.
[Tony comes out with a mic on his hand]
Tony Bennett: Hello everybody! Hello. You know, I’ve sang for kings and queens and one thing is for sure–I love things that are great. [singing] I love things that are great, good things are fantastic…guess what? I also paint…just a hobby, nothing drastic. Cause I dig everything except the things I don’t and I’ll try anything except the things I say I won’t. But one things’s for sure…I love things that are gre-e-e-e-eat! Yeah! [stops singing, sits] Thank you, thank you. Hey everybody! Thank you so much. Today’s show is first rate, really terrific. We got a whole bunch of great, great stuff. Later on we’re gonna be mellowing out to the sounds of Tweet. One of the great gals singing out there today. And I’m just so tickled about my first guest. She’s a real classic and she’s also a new bride. Please welcome, a supergal, Liza Minelli. [Liza comes out with her effeminate, shiny faced husband David Gest] Liza, Liza, you look as happy as a clam.
Liza Minelli: It’s so good to see you Tony. I’m sorry you couldn’t come to our wedding.
Tony Bennett: I was stuck in Madrid with Casey Affleck but I heard it was a great, great time.
Liza Minelli: Oh, it was. It was a pip! I felt like Cinderella and still isn’t even midnight.
Tony Bennett: I just wanted to congratulate your hubby here too. I want to congratulate Mr. David Gest. You nabbed yourself a great girl here, David. [No reaction from David, eyes wide open] David?
Liza Minelli: He’s actually asleep right now, Tony. He has eyelids issues due to a tweezing infection. And poor little puppy has to sleep with his eyes open. Here. Do this. [spritzes some water on David’s face, he comes out of his stupor]
David Gest: Oh! Yes, hello.
Tony Bennett: David, you got yourself a beautiful lady.
David Gest: It’s always been my dream to marry Judy–Liza!
Liza Minelli: Ah! He’s such a flirt![hugs him]
Tony Bennett: Now David, I heard you were gay. And I think it is just great that you put aside bangin’ sticks with all those Joe’s long enough to notice this little buttercup. But David, I gotta ask you. Why would you build a house in a cherry orchard when you dig bananas?
Liza Minelli: Tony, I don’t know where the rumor came from. David and I are very much in love.
Tony Bennett: But David, don’t you just look down there and see your little pickle hangin’ and think–“what have I done? I just married a woman and no matter how many stars I wish I may or wish I might on, she will never grow a pocket rocket?”
Liza Minelli: Tony, I can assure you. What David and I have is really special. Isn’t it, honey?[awkward affection between Liza and David]
Tony Bennett: But David, David, you saying you don’t miss deep frying the drumstick?
David Gest: I don’t understand.
Tony Bennett: How about playing the kiwis?
David Gest: I’m sorry?
Tony Bennett: Come on, you like to do the mushroom dance, don’t you?
David Gest: What does that mean?
Tony Bennett: Do you miss having sex with other men?
David Gest: That I do miss.
Tony Bennett: Now David, hold that thought on having sex with men. I gotta mention our sponsor Dr.Scholl’s comfort gel insoles for women. David, do you mind? Solid. Right here. [David holds a packet of Dr.Scholl’s gel insoles next to Tony] You know, women they got delicate feet. I once made love to a lady’s foot for 7 hours. But then the nurse came in and said: “Mr. Bennet, she’s gone”. [Tony continues the talk show banter] Anyway, we’re back with Liza and her husband Gay-vid. What were you chattin’ about, Gay-vid?
Liza Minelli: Tony, we were talking about how cute my new husband is. Isn’t he cute? He’s so cute. I just want to lick his shiny face! [pretends to lick David’s hideous face]
Tony Bennett: Well, I think whatever crazy thing you two got goin’ on is better than two people murdering each other.
Liza Minelli: Amen, Tony! Love is what’s all about!
Tony Bennett: Hey Liza, you fell like singin’ a tune?
Liza Minelli: Oh, more than anything!
Tony Bennett: All right. Here we go.
[Tony and Liza sing and David dances like an idiot behind them]
Liza Minelli:[sings] I love New York in June…how about you?
Tony Bennett: [sings] I love a Liza tune…how about you?
Tony and Liza: [singing together] I love a fire when a storm is due…
Tony Bennett: [sings, points to David] He loves potato chips and having sex with men…how about you? [David waves him off playfully] I want to thank my guests Dr. Scholl, Liza with a Z and David the married fagella! Next up, we’re gonna be making lobster ravioli with Craig Kilborn!
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.
On Thursday the crew of the downed EP-3 spy plane returned to American soil. China however has not returned the plane itself. Chinese officials have told US negotiators that if they want the plane back they’ll just have to go on eBay and bid like everybody else.
Jimmy Fallon: According to White House aides during the standoff with China, President Bush did not rely on the advice of Vice President Dick Cheney. Bush was however in constant contact with his most trusted advisor – his magic 8 ball.
Tina Fey: On his trip to India last week Bill Clinton dedicated a new girls college named after his wife Hillary. The former President offered best wishes to all the new students of Frigid Pear-shaped Harpy University.
Jimmy Fallon: Carol Denis a former back-up singer for Bob Dylan said this week that from 1986 to 1992 she and Dylan were secretly married. Dylan however insists that the marriage was not a secret, it’s just that whenever he told people that, they couldn’t understand a word he said.
Tina Fey: In Washington last week officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of 200 hundred high school students. There were no survivors.
Jimmy Fallon: Scientists this week unveiled the first human blood substitute, a synthetic substance that functions like red blood cells. The product will be marketed under the brand name I can’t Believe it’s Not Blood!
Tina Fey: The 11 day standoff between China and the United States is over, but the long term effects on xeno-american relations remain to be seen. Joining us now with his insights is the state department attaché for the US Ambassador to China, Jacob Silj.
Will Ferrell: (in a loud voice) Thank you Tina. Our relations with China have long been shaped by a tug of war between economic interests and political ideologies.
Tina Fey: Holy God.
Will Ferrell: Yes, I’ll get to religion Tina, but first Taiwan (pulls out map) A Japanese colony until 1945 —
Tina Fey: No Jacob. Your voice.
Will Ferrell: My voice?
Tina Fey: You’re shouting.
Will Ferrell: How dare you. I have a voice related medical condition.
Tina Fey: Oh, I’m very sorry.
Will Ferrell: I suffer from voice immodulation Tina. I’m unable to control the pitch or volume of my voice. Also known as Van Horton’s Syndrome, VI is a recognized psycho-medical condition which you may have read about in Newsweek or Crack Magazine. Numerous prominent Americans suffer from this debilitating disease Tina, including the guy who played Rodge on “What’s Happening” and tennis great Pete Sampras.
Tina Fey: Jacob, I’ve heard Pete Sampras speak and he doesn’t shout all the time.
Will Ferrell: Pete Sampras has low grade voice immodulation. He is a poster child for voice immodulation awareness and proof that even the voice immodulated can contribute to a society filled with prejudice people like you. Tina.
Tina Fey: Jacob, that’s not fair.
Will Ferrell: Fair! I’ll tell you what’s not fair, Tina. Imagine being at a high school dance, singing along with everyone else “and a little bit softer now, and a little bit softer now, and a little bit softer now.” Or how about sitting in the privacy of your church confessional and whispering to your priest, “I’ve had impure thoughts about that hippy puppet in the Muppet Show Band.”
Tina Fey: Janice?
Will Ferrell: Janice, yes. Or looking into a woman’s eyes and gently murmuring to her, “I want to touch you, I want to touch you.”
Tina Fey: OK Jacob, we get it. It’s a problem.
Will Ferrell: No wonder I’m a 48 year-old virgin.
Tina Fey: Right well Jacob thanks for coming out. Thank you.
Will Ferrell: Boy Jacob, you could have taught these people a lot about China tonight if it weren’t for that rude bitch.
Tina Fey: Jacob, I can hear you.
Will Ferrell: I’m sorry. You think I’d know better by now.
Tina Fey: Jacob Silj, everybody.
Jimmy Fallon: On Monday, President Bush wrote a letter offering his condolences to the wife of the missing Chinese fighter pilot. After Bush wrote the letter, it was quickly given to experts and translated. Then it was translated into Chinese.
Tina Fey: Actress Tara Reid has indefinitely postponed her marriage to TRL’s Caron Daly. Caron Daly dropping to number 3 this week behind a male model and a crew guy from Josie and the Pussycats.
And now with a review of the new Broadway play, The Producers, is our own, Jimmy Fallon.
Jimmy Fallon: Alright thanks a lot Tina. The Producers, it stars Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick. You know, I couldn’t get tickets for this play. It’s like sold-out for like 2 years. But here’s what I think it’s about. Ferris Bueller comes out, I mean Matthew Broderick comes out and he’s like “I can’t believe it. I’m going to produce a play called ‘Springtime for Hitler’. What’s the point? It could be about Hitler, it could be about Stalin. It still won’t change the fact that I don’t have a car. Chack-uh-ka-cha. Oh Yeah!
And Nathan Lane comes out and he’s like (singing) “we’re going to produce, I’m a producer. Hakuna Mata for the rest of” You can do this at home if you want. “Hakuna Matata, means no passing phrase. Hakunaaa (curtain comes down and goes back up quickly) Matata!” Break a leg guys. See you at the Tony’s.
Tina Fey: The Bush family cat, Ernie, missing for weeks, turned up early Tuesday morning wandering down Hollywood’s Avenue of the Stars – coked out of its mind.
Jimmy Fallon: Republican Jane Swift became governor of Massachusetts this week making her the first pregnant governor in US history – that I know of!
Tina Fey: How many governors are you sleeping with?
Jimmy Fallon: Uh, I don’t kiss governors and tell. Back to you Tina.
Tina Fey: You are a creep.
Jimmy Fallon: Why?
Tina Fey: The FBI will install high tech scrambling devices to prevent people from picking up the closed circuit broadcast of Timothy McVeigh’s execution. Which means that on May 16th some young man that thinks he’s watching scrambled porn may actually be masturbating to a lethal injection. Whatever works.
Mariah Carey last week signed a recording contract with Virgin records for 25 million dollars an album. The signing is considered a coup for the company although Virgin records will now have to change its name to skank records.
Jimmy Fallon: The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has apologized to audio technicians after Mike Meyers made fun of Best Sound and Sound Editing categories at last month’s Oscars. Meyers explained his actions stating (sound cuts in and out as Jimmy reads the statement)
Tina Fey: On Thursday Harvey R. Ball, the inventor of the smiley face, died. He is survived by his wife and two children. (graphic: women’s restroom sign, crosswalk sign)
Jimmy Fallon: For weekend Update I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Dale Sturtevant: Hi. I’m Dale Sturtevant. I’ve been raising dogs since I was six. And nothing has brought me more joy, or more sheer frustration, than training a puppy. With a very young pup, correcting problem behavior can be very maddening. And, like you, I’ve probably tried all the tricks – screaming myself hoarse, starving them, locking them in a closet for days on end, or just beating them without mercy. But after my third arrest and court-ordered anger-management counseling, I learned to channel my rage into an effective non-violent puppy training tool. It’s called “Dissing Your Dog: how to train your puppy with mockery and verbal humiliation”.
You see, dogs are much more intuitive than we give them credit for. They know when they’re the butt of ridicule. And when they misbehave, a well-placed sarcastic comment or cutting remark can work wonders wherever a rolled-up newspaper fails. Whatever your puppy’s behavior problem, I guarantee I can help you fix it.
Dale Sturtevant V/O: Problems like jumping on furniture..
Dale Sturtevant: Oh no, no, no, Humphrey, don’t get up. You just stay there, relax. After all, you did put in a long day of work at a demanding high-stress job. Oh no, wait a minute, that’s me! Now I remember! I’m the one with the job. You’re the one who lies around the house all day in a pool of your own slobber!
[ dog jumps off couch ]
Dale Sturtevant V/O: Accidents in the house..
Dale Sturtevant: Hey, Walter! Thanks for your “help” with the new off-white sofa. Everybody agrees that dump you left there was the perfect “accent”. So, good job. Oh, and by the way, Milton Berle called. He wants his bladder back.
[ dog climbs down from sofa and pees properly over a newspaper ]
That’s a good job!
Dale Sturtevant V/O: Fussy eating habits..
Dale Sturtevant: Oh, right, Margaret, you wanted prime rib. Here’s the deal: The Palm wasn’t taking reservations, and I didn’t even try Morton’s because I understand they have a new chef. So for now, let’s just go with the Alpo, okay? I know it’s not your first choice but keep in mind, you’re a f–king dog!
[ dog eats the Alpo ]
Dale Sturtevant: I’m so confident this program works, I’m gonna send you Volume 1 of the five-part series free of charge. Once you’ve seen it, I know you’ll order the rest. [ looks down at dog ] Right, Murphy, you brainless sack of excrement? [ to camera ] She’s being punished.
Announcer: To order “Dissing Your Dog”, dial 1-800-555-0199. Call today.
Dale Sturtevant: Remember: there’s one thing stronger than a dog’s sense of smell – his sense of irony.
Air Date:
P.O.D., “Youth of the Nation”
A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: Regarding the 9/11 attacks, President George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) advises Osama bin Laden: “You screwed up big time.”
DVD.
Jimmy Eat World, “”
Outkast, “The Whole World”
