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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 2

01b: Seann William Scott / Sum41

Law & Order: Parking Violations Unit

Husband…..Will Ferrell
Wife…..Maya Rudolph
Policewoman…..Rachel Dratch
Tow Truck Driver…..Seann William Scott
Policeman…..Horatio Sanz
Adam Schiff…..Darrell Hammond
Assistant…..Amy Poehler
Man…..Tracy Morgan

Announcer: This fall on NBC, from the creator of “Law & Order”, “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit”, and “Law & Order: Criminal Intent” comes..

[ Couple spots a parking ticket on their car’s windshield ]

Husband: Honey, look.

Wife: Oh, my God!

Husband: No! This isn’t happening to me!

Policewoman: It just did.

Announcer: “Law & Order: Parking Violations Unit”. There’s a new kind of justice on the streets.

[ in second vignette, Policewoman spots a Tow Truck Driver getting ready to tow a vehicle ]

Policewoman: What do you think you’re doing?

Tow Truck Driver: I’m taking in this ’91 Honda.

Policewoman: This car’s got a minute left on the meter.

Tow Truck Driver: Do you see anyone with a shiny quarter in their hand? Nooooo. I’m towing it.

Policewoman: Where does it end, Kurt? Today, a guy’s got one minute. Tomorrow, what is it, two? Three? Where does it end, Kurt? Where does it end?

Announcer: “Law & Order: Parking Violations Unit”

[ next vignette shows Policeman and Policewoman in their squad car ]

Radio: Yeah, 43, we got a double-parked Hyundai blocking a TGIFriday’s.

Policeman: 7-4. We’re on it.

Announcer: Marking the return of Steven Hill as D.A. Adam Schiff.

[ Adam Schiff is seen walking with his Assistant ]

Adam Schiff: They say he was parked 12 inches from the curb, he says it was 6 inches.

Assistant: He’s lying, Adam!

Adam Schiff: The jury’s gonna take one look at this guy, the city’s gonna be out $25 bucks. Let’s cut a deal.

Announcer: In a series critics call “almost better than the second spinoff”, and “not quite as good as the third.”

[ Policewoman spots a guy parking in a handicapped space ]

Policewoman: Sir, this space is reserved for handicapped parking.

Guy: Oh yeah, I know. [ walks away pretending to be limping ]

Announcer: “Law & Order: Parking Violations Unit”. It’s time to pay up!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 1


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Air Date:

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October 7th, 2000

Rob Lowe

Eminem

None

Dennis McNicholas

Paula Pell

Jim Downey

Ralph Nader

Lorne Michaels

Dido

Tim Meadows

Brendan Fraser
First Presidential DebateSummary: In their first debate monitored by Jim Lehrer (Chris Parnell), Al Gore (Darrell Hammond) dominates all the questions before George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) can give an incoherent answer.

Recurring Characters: George W. Bush, Al Gore, Jim Lehrer.

Transcript

Montage

Rob Lowe’s MonologueSummary: Rob Lowe taackles off-topic questions about “The West Wing” from members of the audience.

Also Hosted: 89o, 96q.

Transcript

Corn Chip Nail TipsSummary: The perfect snack food for hip hop nail biters.

Monday Night FootballSummary: Al Michaels (Darrell Hammond) is flustered by lack of professionalism from his new co-hosts, Dan Fouts (Will Ferrell) and Dennis Miller (Jimmy Fallon).

Recurring Characters: Al Michaels, Dan Fouts, Dennis Miller, Eric Dickerson.

Transcript

Ralph Nader BackstageSummary: Backstage, Ralph Nader tries to sell Rob Lowe on his government ideas.

Transcript

Pros & ConsSummary: Nancy Grace (Ana Gasteyer) discusses the self-involved detective work of meddlers Shaggy (Rob Lowe) and Scooby Doo.

Recurring Characters: Nancy Grace.

Transcript

Eminem & Dido perform “Stan”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Ladies man Leon Phelps (Tim Meadows) promotes his new movie during a supposed Hollywood editorial. Tina Fey rants about Britney Spears. Againg rappers Grand Master Rap (Jerry Minor) and Kid Shazaam (Horatio Sanz) laud newcomer Eminem.

Recurring Characters: Leon Phelps, Grand Master Rap, Kid Shazaam.

Transcript

Airport Blind DateSummary: Ray Murphy (Molly Shannon) makes her blind date, Rick Jennings (Will Ferrell), uncomfortable during their first face-to-face meeting.

Transcript

Dateline Pre-TapesSummary: While pre-taping a promo for a story on trampolines, Stone Phillips (Rob Lowe) attempts to perfect his delivery.

Recurring Characters: Stone Phillips.

Transcript

Eminem performs “The Real Slim Shady”

Chris Kattan ProfileSummary: Olympic-style coverage previews Chris Kattan getting ready for his next sketch.

Note: Because the show had run short on time, the sketch Chris Kattan is seen preparing for was unable to air on the live show.

Dream Team 2000Summary: Stock footage displays the arrogance of USA athletes at the Summer Olympics.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

MangoSummary: Rob Lowe studies Mango’s movements so he can play him in what turns out to be a porno film.

Recurring Characters: Mango.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
May 19th, 2001

Christopher Walken

Weezer

Kevin Nealon

Winona Ryder

Weezer, “Hash Pipe”

A Message From Mayor Rudolph Guiliani

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani (Darrell Hammond) hides mistress (Rachel Dratch).

Recurring Characters: Mayor Rudolph Guiliani.

Christopher Walken’s Monologue

Walken sings “Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off”.

Mango

Janitor (Walken) fantasizes about Mango (Chris Kattan).

Recurring Characters: Mango.

Hardball

Paul Begalia (Chris Kattan) still harassed by Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond).

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Paul Begalia.

The Continental

The Continental (Walken) spies on upstairs neighbor with periscope.

Recurring Characters: The Continental.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Chris Kattan gives terrible re-enactment of Joey Fatone injury.

Kevin Nealon delivers subliminal editorial about current cast.

Jimmy’s glasses, pregnant Winona Ryder all part of “Weekend Update” cliffhanger.

Weezer performs “Hash Pipe”

Love-ahs

Roger (Will Ferrell) & Virginia (Rachel Dratch) reminisce with friend (Walken).

Recurring Characters: Roger, Virginia.

TV Funhouse

“Anatominals” cause Lorne Michaels to rethink pact with Satan.

Centaur Job Interview

Dirty Centaur (Chris Parnell) endures pushy job interview.

Badger Up His Butt

Co-worker (Will Ferrell) learns he has a badger lodged up his butt.

Weezer performs “Island In The Sun”

Memorial Day Greetings From “Saturday Night Live”

Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan, Tracy Morgan re-perform Christmas ditty.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
April 14th, 2001

Renee Zelwegger

Eve

Gwen Stefani

Molly Shannon

Eve, “Who’s That Girl?”

The Culps

Marty & Bobbie perform a tax medley at H&R Block.

Recurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobbie Mohan-Culp.

Renee Zelwegger’s Monologue

“Bridget Jones” star Zelwegger reads from her own diary.

Subshack

(Repeat) See 03/10/01.

Jerry Maguire II

Jonathan Lipnicki (Horatio Sanz) has put on wight since first movie.

Hardball

Molly Ivins (Zelwegger) is ridiculed by Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond).

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Paul Begalia.

A Wedding Story

Bride (Zelwegger) regrets being engaged to leader of KISS cover band (Will Ferrell).

TV Funhouse

“Survivor” endures “Fun With Real Audio” treatment.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Jacob Silj (Will Ferrell) still suffers from voice immodulation.

Jimmy Fallon reviews “The Producers”.

Recurring Characters: Jacob Silj.

Eve & Gwen Stefani perform “Let Me Blow Ya Mind”

TV Theme Songs

Woman (Zelwegger) doesn’t find date’s (Chris Kattan) TV theme songs romantic.

Crazy Doctor

Dr. Beaman (Will Ferrell) makes his patients uncomfortable with crazy behavior.

Recurring Characters: Dr. Beaman.

Eve performs “Who’s That Girl?”

Classical Music Classics

Poor lyrics add little appeal to classical music.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Bonus Episode 2


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February 8th, 2001

None

None

None

Jennifer Lopez
A Message From The President Of The United StatesSummary: President George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) offers taxpayers $1,600 if they’ll promise to take him seriously as their leader.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Dick Cheney.

Transcript

Montage

Celebrity JeopardySummary: Alex Trebek (Will Ferrell) is frustrated by the antics of Ozzy Osbourne (Horatio Sanz), Martha Stewart (Ana Gasteyer) and Sean Connery (Darrell Hammond).

Recurring Characters: Alex Trebek, Ozzy Osbourne, Martha Stewart, Sean Connery.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Hannibal Lecter (Darrell Hammond) gives tips for combatting flu season and tries to get inside Tina Fey’s head.

Recurring Characters: Hannibal Lecter.

Hitting on JenniferSummary: Will Ferrell wants to get his hands all over Jennifer Lopez’s big ass.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
January 13th, 2001

Charlie Sheen

Nelly Furtado

None

Nelly Furtado, “I’m Like A Bird”

A Message From the Vice-President Elect

Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond) discusses his recent heart attack.

Recurring Characters: Dick Cheney.

Charlie Sheen’s Monologue

Sheen endures audience questions about following his dad’s TV footsteps.

Fox Promos

New reality-TV programs: “Herpes Island”, “Temptation Trailer” and “The Cannibal”.

The Iron Chef

American Bachelor Chef (Sheen) offers competetion.

Eric Dickerson’s NFL Pregame Special

More non-sensical sports coverage, courtesy of ABC Sports.

The Culps

Marty & Bobbie perform a civil rights medley at a Martin Luther King Day assembly.

Recurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobbie Mohan-Culp.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Katherine Harris (Ana Gasteyer) delivers payback to her critics.

Jimmy Fallon reviews Clinton’s Farewell Tour.

Chris Kattan gives a terrible re-enactment of Prince Charles falling off his horse.

Marta Mercado (Maya Rudolph) discusses treatment from employer Linda Chavez.

Recurring Characters: Katherine Harris.

Nelly Furtado performs “I’m Like A Bird”

Patsy Marsh

“As The World Turns” actress (Molly Shannon) overdoes her scene.

Ted Brogan

Woman (Maya Rudolph) gives birth to 37-year-old man (Will Ferrell).

T.G.I. Friday’s

Rude waiter (Chris Kattan) is son of T.G.I. Friday (Will Ferrell).

“The Pervert”, Film by Adam McKay

Classic Vaudeville with Charles & Fleisy

Sheen and Heidi Fleiss (Rachel Dratch) deliver adult version of “Who’s In First?”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 12


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February 17th, 2001

Sean Hayes

Shaggy

None

Michael Schur
A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) announces that he performed a strike on Iraq as a personal favor to keep former President Clinton’s scandal out of the news.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

Transcript

Montage

Sean Hayes’ MonologueSummary: Sean Hayes plays a grade school piece on the piano while signing autographs from the audience and taking a cell phone call from a friend.

Transcript

Delicious DishSummary: Margaret Jo McCullin (Ana Gasteyer) and Teri Rialto (Molly Shannon) envision a psychadelic high after sampling mushrooms from guest Alfie Thuman (Sean Hayes).

Recurring Characters: Margaret Jo McCullin, Teri Rialto.

Transcript

HomocilSummary: The pill that helps parents cope with their children’s homosexuality.

Transcript

HardballSummary: Paul Begala (Chris Kattan) suffers abuse from Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond).

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Paul Begala.

Transcript

Jeffrey’sSummary: A pair of trendy clothing store employees (Jimmy Fallon, Sean Hayes) mock the clothing styles of would-be customers.

Recurring Characters: Clerk, Supervisor, Burly Customer.

Note: This sketch is replaced with its dress rehearsal version in repeats because of the frequent character-breaking and laughter by the actors involved.

Transcript

Shaggy performs “It Wasn’t Me”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Jamie Bell (Sean Hayes), the kid From “Billy Elliot”, is pissed that he wasn’t nominated for an Academy Award, then dances his way through the studio.

Transcript

Hello DollySummary: More cute yet bizarre-looking dolls are up for adoption.

Recurring Characters: Deana Nolan-Gray.

Transcript

Fashion Week 2001Summary: Adrian Dante’s (Sean Hayes) fashion show is interrupted by would-be diva, Sally O’Malley (Molly Shannon).

Recurring Characters: Sally o’Malley.

Transcript

Shaggy performs “Angel”

Action News 4 Morning ReportSummary: Hilarity ensues when a tractor-trailer hits a tiny clown car!

Transcript

Last Show!Summary: Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon) sings “School’s Out” to commemorate Molly Shannon’s last show.

Recurring Characters: Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Transcript

Brian Fellow’s Safari PlanetSummary: Brian Fellow (Tracy Morgan) lives in a world that exists inside his own head.

Recurring Characters: Brian Fellow.

Transcript

Corn Chip Nail TipsSummary: The tasty snack food of choice for nail biters.

Note: Repeat from 10/07/00.

Talkin’ ‘Bout ‘GinasSummary: Second-rate female celebrities attempt to feed from the success of “The Vagina Monologues.”

Recurring Characters: Joan Rivers, Anna Nicole Smith, Farrah Fawcett, Gayle King

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 14


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Bit Players:


March 10th, 2001

Conan O’Brien

Don Henley

None

Max Weinburg

Becky Weinburg

Ben Affleck

Scott Wainio
A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) Bush announces his new worry-free attitude.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

Transcript

Montage

Conan O’Brien’s MonologueSummary: Conan O’Brien shows clips of his writer’s cameo appearances from the 80’s, then takes Tract Morgan and a paramedic (Scott Wainio) downstairs for a tour of his talk show studio.

Transcript

SubshackSummary: If you’re losing weight too fast, take a walk with Jared Fogel (Jimmy Fallon) to Subshack to put the pounds back on.

Transcript

Cumberland FarmsSummary: With a little help from Eric Pearson (Conan O’Brien) and a fake moustache, Sully (Jimmy Fallon) and Denise (Rachel Dratch) score some beer.

Note: Ben Affleck’s character did not appear in the dress rehearsal.

Recurring Characters: Sully, Denise, Frank, Donny Bartalotti.

Transcript

Moleculo: The Molecular ManSummary: Superhero Moleculo (Conan O’Brien) gives himself away by repeating his catch-phrase while assuming his mild-mannered disguise.

Transcript

Napster HearingsSummary: Not only is Right Said Fred (Conan O’Brien) seeking copyright protection, he would also like a little something to eat.

Recurring Characters: Trent Lott, David Lee Roth.

Transcript

Don Henley performs “Everything Is Different Now”Also Performed: 89d.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeyNote: Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey perform “Weekend Update” without any guest commentaries.

Transcript

Taint-less TedSummary: A doctor (Conan O’Brien) informs patient Ted Brown (Horatio Sanz) that he’s lost his “taint”.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel invites viewers to “Find the Black People At The Knicks Game.”

Transcript

VH-1 Diva-thonSummary: Diva Deandra Wells (Ana Gasteyer) causes a ruckus among the members of her back-up band.

Recurring Characters: Deandra Wells, Grodon Davis, Alan “Sticks” McRae, Donny Gordon, Lynda Lopez.

Democratic National CommitteeSummary: Marc Rich (Chris Kattan) discusses his financial woes.

Don Henley performs “The Heart Of The Matter”Note: When NBC reran the episode, this performance was replaced by a DeMarco Brothers sketch cut from dress rehearsal.

Sports CenturySummary: Early 20th Century boxer James “The Gentlemen Masher” Corcoran (Conan O’Brien) excelled at his sport until he agreed to spar with black competitors.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

DeMarco BrothersSummary: Kyle DeMarco (Chris Kattan), Sean DeMarco (Chris Parnell) and their cousin (Conan O’Brien) audition for Don Henley.

Recurring Characters: Kyle DeMarco, Sean DeMarco.

Note: This sketch aired in place of Don Henley’s second performance when the episode reran.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 4


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November 4th, 2000

Charlize Theron

Paul Simon

None

Hugh Fink
A Glimpse of Our Possible Future ISummary: In the near future, a hapless President George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) has managed to set the Great Lakes on fire.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

Transcript

Montage

Charlize Theron’s MonologueSummary: Tracy Morgan is thrilled that Charlize Theron was born in Africa.

Transcript

Total Request LiveSummary: An interview with Britannica (), Jeanette () and (), the members of girl group Gemini’s Twin.

Recurring Characters: Britannica, Jeanette.

A Glimpse of Our Possible Future IISummary: In the near future, President Al Gore quizzes the nation on a regular basis..

Recurring Characters: Al Gore, Bill Clinton.

Transcript

Blair Witch TourRecurring Characters: Circe Nightshade, Azrael Abyss.

TV Funhouse

Marilyn MonroeSummary: A jealous Joe DiMaggio (Jimmy Fallon) doesn’t want anyone staring at wife Marilyn Monroe (Charlize Theron) during the filming of “The Seven Year Itch.”

Paul Simon performs “Hurricane Eye”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Rachel Dratch proposes marriage to Jimmy Fallon. SNL writer Hugh Fink talks about Joe Lieberman as a Jew.

Bedtime StoriesSummary: Mr. Peepers (Chris Kattan) stars on the Cinemax adult program.

Recurring Characters: Mr. Peepers.

A Glimpse of Our Possible Future IIISummary: In the near future, Ralph Nader’s term as president is a sign that pigs can fly and Hell has frozen over.

Transcript

DeMarco BrothersSummary: Paul Simon endures an overinterpreted demonstration of his songs by DeMarco Brothers Kyle (Chris Kattan) and Sean (Chris Parnell).

Recurring Characters: Kyle DeMarco, Sean DeMarco.

The Coconut Bangers BallSummary: Robert Goulet (Will Ferrell) promotes his new rap album.

Recurring Characters: Robert Goulet.

Transcript

Paul Simon performs “Old”

Buena Vista Social ClubSummary: The horny members of the Buena Vista Social Club (Jerry Minor, Horatio Sanz) try to dance erotically with a hot blondie (Charlize Theron).

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
May 12th, 2001

Lara Flynn Boyle

Bon Jovi

Lou Reed

Bon Jovi, “It’s My Life”

A Message From the Vice-President of the United States

Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond) on his health.

Recurring Characters: Dick Cheney.

Lara Flynn Boyle’s Monologue

Audience member (Adam McKay) teases Boyle about her weight.

Corn Chip Nail Tips

(Repeat) See 10/07/00.

Fake Hernia Doctor

Patient (Chris Parnell) receives hernia test from fake doctor (Will Ferrell).

DeMarco Brothers

Bon Jovi laugh at DeMarco Brothers (Chris Kattan), (Chris Parnell) song interpretations.

Recurring Characters: Kyle DeMarco, Sean DeMarco.

MTV Cribs

Robert Downey, Jr. (Chris Kattan) shows off jail cell.

Save The Starving Actresses Foundation

Boyle makes a plea on behalf of starving actresses everywhere.

The Scarlet Letter

Letters “B” & “J” on chest call for well-deserved leniency.

Bon Jovi performs “It’s My Life”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Lou Reed can’t dispel rumors that he’s dead.

Moulin Rouge

Set in the 1890’s, the music is from the 1970’s.

MSNBC Investigates

Mimicking “The Golden Girls” endangers teen’s (Chris Kattan) life.

Wake Up, Wakefield

Gym teacher (Boyle) is interviewed.

Recurring Characters: Megan, Sheldon, Mr. Banglion, Randy Goldman.

Shaquille O’Neal

Shaq (Tracy Morgan) addresses the audience on the tone of his voice.

Bon Jovi performs “You Give Love A Bad Name”

Bloder Brothers

Bloder Brothers (Jimmy Fallon), (Chris Parnell) flirt with Shooter’s barmaid (Boyle).

Recurring Characters: Wayne Bloder, Kip Bloder.

SNL Transcripts