Category:

01i: Ellen Degeneres / No Doubt

Family Vacation

Mom…..Ellen Degeneres
Dad…..Will Ferrell
Daughter…..Rachel Dratch
Son…..Jimmy Fallon

[ open on family in car, driving to a Christmas vacation ]

Mom: Hmm.. this was such a good idea.

Dad: Well, you know, I thought everyone was feeling tense. Why not just get out of the city and enjoy?

Mom: I can feel it. The further away we get from the city, the more my stress just melts off.

Son: Pretty cool, Dad!

Daughter: Yeah, this is gonna be fun!

Dad: Hey, the Jurnsbachs get to have fun every once in a while, right?

Kids: Jurnsbachs!!

Mom: Larry didn’t mind you taking the week off?

Dad: No, no, he wasn’t happy about it, but what the hell? I’ve got eight weeks of vacation – I’ve gotta use it sometime, right?

Mom: It’s true. I can hardly wait ’til we get there, I’m hitting the slopes right away.

Daughter: Me, too!

Mom: [ thinking suddenly ] You turned off the coffee, didn’t you?

[ thrilling musical fanfare, as coffee pot is shown dripping ]

Dad: Yep.. I think I did..

[ show coffee pot dripping ]

Dad: I’m sure I did.

Mom: I know you did. Of course you did!

Dad: I did!

Mom: Good!

Dad: [ thinking ] You locked the back door, right?

[ thrilling musical fanfare, as back door is shown wide open ]

Mom: I thought you locked it?

[ show back door wide open ]

Dad: No.. I locked the front door – you said you had the back door.

[ show back door wide open ]

Mom: I probably locked it.

Dad: I know you did.

Son: You guys worry too much!

Dad: [ playfully ] Hey, when you get a house and a hefty mortgage, you’ll worry, too!

[ Son laughs and plays with Dad’s ears, but is swatted at ]

Mom: That’s right, kiddo! [ joking ] I hope you turned off all those toys of yours!

[ thrilling musical fanfare, as dinosaur toy is shown walking about the kids’ room ]

Son: Duh! Like I would ever leave my toys on!

Daughter: Mom! He left his dinosaur on!

Son: No! No! No!

[ show dinosaur toy walking about the room ]

Mom: Enough! Enough! It doesn’t matter – the batteries will probably run out.. it’s not a problem.

Dad: I left the sink running.

[ thrilling musical fanfare, as sink is shown running full blast ]

Dad: Just kidding!

Mom: [ laughing along ] Huh! Don’t do that to me! you scared the crap out of me!

Dad: I actually might have left it on..

[ show sink running full blast ]

Dad: I did!

Mom: [ suddenly tense ] What? What are you saying?

Dad: I-I left the water running.. I did!

Mom: Well, don’t tell me that!

Dad: I can’t help it! I now remember..

Daughter: Mommy, what’s happening?!

Mom: Oh, my God! The whole house is flooding!

Daughter: Mommy!!

Mom: I’m having.. I’m having trouble breathing!

Dad: I left everything on! The sink..

[ show sink running full blast ]

Dad: ..the coffeepot..

[ show coffeepot dripping ]

Dad: ..I left the door open..

[ show door open ]

Dad: And the dinosaur!

[ show toy dinosaur walking around the room ]

Dad: That does it! I’m turning this car around!

[ car turns around quickly, tires screeching ]

Mom: Gun it! We gotta get home!

Son: Dad!!

Dad: Shut up!! I left the oven on!!

[ show oven on ]

Mom: I left the burners on!!

[ show burners on ]

Dad: I left a fire in the fireplace!

[ show fireplace burning ]

Son: Mom! Dad! Mom!

Dad: Shut up!!

Mom: I left a radio in the bathtub!

[ show radio submerged in bathtub water ]

Dad: I left two cans of gas in the sun under a magnifiyng glass!

[ show two cans of gas under magnifying glass in the sun ]

Mom: I left an iron on a stack of newspapers!

[ show iron on stack of newspapers ]

Dad: The whole house is on fire!!

[ show house burning ]

Mom: [ grabbing at steering wheel ] We gotta get home faster!!

Son: Mom!! Mo-o-o-o-om!!

[ car falls over cliff ]

Son: Mom!! Dad!!

[ family is shown inside car, as background creates illusion they are still falling over the cliff ]

Dad: What?!!

Son: I turned everything off!!

Dad: You did?!

Son: Yeah! Everything’s fine!

Mom: Oh. that’s a relief..

[ car finally crashes and explodes at bottom of cliff ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Season’s Greetings From “Saturday Night Live”

…..Horatio Sanz
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Chris Kattan
…..Tracy Morgan

Don Pardo: Season’s greetings from all of us here at “Saturday Night Live”.

[ show Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan, and Tracy Morgan all dressed in red, as fake snow falls on them. Horatio is playing a lute, Jimmy is playing a keyboard with a built-in drum machine that Chris Kattan is holding, and Tracy Morgan is running in place beside them, as jingle bells play in the background. ]

Horatio Sanz: One…

[ Jimmy turns on keyboard ]

Horatio Sanz: One…

Jimmy Fallon: Two…

Horatio Sanz: One-

Jimmy Fallon: Two-

Horatio Sanz: Three-

Jimmy Fallon: Four!

[ they start playing ]

Horatio Sanz: “I don’t care what your momma says-“
Horatio and Jimmy: “Christmas time is nee-ear!
I don’t care what your daddy says-“
Horatio Sanz: “Christmas time is dee-ear!”
Horatio and Jimmy: “All I know is that Santa’s sleigh
Is making its way to the U. S. A.!

I don’t care what the mayor says-
Christmas is full of chee-eer!
I don’t care if you think it’s a lie-“
Horatio Sanz: “Christmas will be soon be hee-ere!
I don’t care about the C. I. A.-“
Horatio and Jimmy: “I don’t care what the calendars say!
I wish it was Christmas todaa-ay!
I wish it was Christmas todaa-ay!”

[ they stop playing, and bow to the audience ]

Thanks to Tony DuMontfor this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 4


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


November 3rd, 2001

John Goodman

Ja Rule

None

Dan Aykroyd Ashcroft’s Press ConferenceSummary: John Ashcroft’s (Darrell Hammond) terrorism warning has sketchy details.

Recurring Characters: Dick Cheney.

Transcript

Montage

John Goodman’s MonologueSummary: John Goodman attempts to “wing” his monologue just like the Yankees did at the World Series.

Also Hosted:

Herbal Essence For MenSummary: The shampoo does equally well having an orgasmic effect on men.

Hudson Valley Community CircuitSummary: Interviews with people and businesses with unfortunate names that have suffered since the terrorist attack on America.

Transcript

Liberty Medical InsuranceSummary: Despite his endorsement for the home health products, Wilford Brimley (John Goodman) hasn’t been taking very good care of himself.

Transcript

She’s The Girl With No Gaydar!!!Summary: Clueless Nicole (Rachel Dratch) thinks a string of gay partygoers are eligible bachelors for her choosing.

Recurring Characters: Nicole.

Transcript

e.p.t. Home Pregnancy TestSummary: After their one-night stand, two college students (Seth Meyers, Amy Poehler) check to see if they’re pregnant.

Transcript

CBS Evening Anthrax UpdateSummary: Dan Rather (Darrell Hammond) projects which newscasters might have anthrax.

Recurring Characters: Dan Rather.

Transcript

Ja Rule performs “Always On Time”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Seth Meyers says New York is sure to win the World Series as long as Boston doesn’t root for their victory. To deter postal terrorist threats, Elwood Blues (Dan Aykroyd) and Mighty Mack (John Goodman) sing “The Letter.”

Recurring Characters: Elwood Blues, Mighty Mack.

Transcript

America UndercoverSummary: Police officers (John Goodman, Dean Edwards) question the circumstances surrounding a dispute between Gator (Chris Kattan) and his white trash wife (Amy Poehler) who’s hiding in the stove.

Recurring Characters: Gator, Gator’s Wife.

Transcript

Ja Rule performs “Givin’ It Up”

Bad Conceptual TheaterSummary: Leonard Pinth-Garnell (Dan Aykroyd) presents a play written by an infinite number of monkeys.

Recurring Characters: Leonard Pinth-Garnell.

Little SleuthsSummary: A disgruntled detective (John Goodman) is partnered with amateur sleuths Bookie Newton (Seth Meyers) and his kid sister (Amy Poehler).

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
December 15th, 2001

Ellen Degeneres

No Doubt

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani

CBS Terrorist Update

Osama bin Laden (Will Ferrell) video reveals contest of ideas.

Recurring Characters: Dan Rather.

Ellen Degeneres’ Monologue

Degeneres admits that lesbianism was just for one-upmanship.

The Culps

Culps (Will Ferrell, Ana Gasteyer) sing at mall pageant.

Recurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobbie Mohan-Culp.

Kitty Singleton, Federal Agent

Federal Agent (Degeneres) gets beaten during undercover case.

TV Funhouse

“The Narrator That Ruined Christmas” blames 9/11 attacks.

No Doubt performs “Hey, Baby”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Tracy Morgan provides selfish romantic gift ideas.

Tina and Jimmy sing tribute to Mayor Rudolph Guiliani.

Mango

Degeneres turns back on lesbianism for romance with Mango (Chris Kattan).

Recurring Characters: Mango.

Family Vacation

Traveling family leave home vulnerable to self-disaster.

My Big Thick Novel

Sigh in front of aliens covers for unnoticed flatulence.

Christmas Stepmother

Grown kids (Seth Meyers, Amy Poehler) hate substitute mom (Degeneres).

Dick Cheney’s Snowglobe

Cheney (Darrell Hammond) reflects whole shaking snowglobe.

Snowglobed Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan, Tracy Morgan Christmas ditty.

Recurring Characters: Dick Cheney.

No Doubt performs “Hella Good”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 1


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


September 29th, 2001

Reese Witherspoon

Alicia Keys

None

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani

Paul Simon

Lorne Michaels
9/11 TributeSummary: New York Mayor Rudolph Guiliani pays tribute to the lives lost on September 11th by acknowledging the members of the New York Fire and Police Department as heroes. Paul Simon sings “The Boxer.”

Note: The World Trade Center attacks took place eighteen days before the season premiere. Though there was a consideration to delay the season premiere, Lorne Michaels finally decided to proceed as planned when Mayor Guiliani stated that he wanted the show to go on.

Note: Along with Art Garfunkel, Paul Simon also performed “The Boxer” on SNL’s second episode on October 18th, 1975.

Transcript

MontageNote: Kevin Spacey was this episode’s first choice for host, but scheduling conflicts prevented him from accepting.

Note: Don Pardo announces Ana Gasteyer’s name while Tina Fey’s picture is on the screen.

Reese Witherspoon’s MonologueSummary: Reese Witherspoon cuts the tension by telling an off-color joke about a polar bear cub.

Note: The original punchline to the joke Reese Witherspoon tells was “I’m fucking freezing!” Lorne Michaels prompted her to say the line, promising that he would pay the FCC indecency fine just so he could prove to viewers that New York City was back up and running, but Witherspoon declined just before the live show because she knew her younger fans would be watching.

Transcript

Preparation HSummary: A group of skateboarding teenagers are proud users of the H ointment.

Wake Up, WakefieldSummary: Megan (Maya Rudolph) introduces the new viewer window, then interviews Randy Goldman’s (Jimmy Fallon) girlfriend and Spanish Club President, Gretchen Doyle (Reese Witherspoon).

Recurring Characters: Megan, Sheldon, Mr. Banglian, Randy Goldman.

Transcript

The Little MermaidSummary: The Little Mermaid (Reese Witherspoon) grosses out a sailor (Will Ferrell) with songs about her fish genitalia.

Transcript

Alicia Keys performs “Fallin'”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Jesse Jackson (Darrell Hammond) explains how the Taliban called him right after 9/11.

Recurring Characters: Jesse Jackson.

Transcript

The CulpsSummary: Marty Culp (Will Ferrell) and Bobbi Mohan-Culp (Ana Gasteyer) perform a medley for their niece’s lesbian wedding.

Recurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobbie Mohan-Culp.

Transcript

Celebrity JeopardySummary: Sean Connery (Darrell Hammond) competes against Anne Heche (Witherspoon) and Chris Tucker (Dean Edwards).

Recurring Characters: Alex Trebek, Sean Connery, Anne Heche.

Transcript

Alicia Keys performs “A Woman’s Worth”

Farting BabySummary: A baby’s outrageous flatulence problem is the least of this sketch’s worries.

Transcript

Donatella Versace For the ChildrenSummary: Donatella Versace (Maya Rudolph) releases a terrible children’s album.

Recurring Characters: Donatella Versace, Karl Lagerfeld.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, ShowSummary: Antonio Banderas (Chris Kattan) tries to use his wily charms on Paula Zahn (Reese Witherspoon).

Recurring Characters: Antonio Banderas, Senor Guadalupe Ramirez, Paula Zahn.

Note: This sketch airs on next week’s show, with cast member Amy Poehler assuming the role of Paula Zahn.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
March 9th, 2002

Jon Stewart

India.Arie

George Plimpton

India.Arie, “Video”

A Message From the Vice-President of the United States

Vice-President Cheney (Darrell Hammond) addresses Letterman issue.

Recurring Characters: Dick Cheney.

Jon Stewart’s Monologue

Stewart jokes about cable television and gays in the military.

The Cheese Game

Game helps kids learn to appreciate the value of cheese.

TRL

Lou Perlstein (Stewart) shows off genetically-mutated boy band.

The Bloder Brothers

Kip (Jimmy Fallon) & Wayne (Chris Parnell) get detained at the airport.

Recurring Characters: Kip Bloder, Wayne Bloder.

TV Funhouse

Fun With Real Audio mocks Colin Powell’s M-TV chat with teenagers.

Talking to the Stars With Rachel and Tracy

Rachel Dratch and Tracy Morgan interview Stewart.

Newscaster Party

David Letterman (Jeff Richards) appears at Ted Koppel’s (Darrell Hammond) party.

Recurring Characters: Dan Rather, Tom Brokaw, Ted Koppel, Helen Thomas,

Starr Jones, David Letterman.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Chris Kattan gives a Terrible Re-Enactment of John McEnroe firing.

Jon Stewart jumps in when Jimmy Fallon is incapacitated.

Drunk Girl gives tips for a safe Spring Break.

Recurring Characters: Drunk Girl.

India.Arie performs “Video”

BET Jazz: Jazzvisions

Spoon instrumentalist Lonny Bartz (Stewart) discusses his music career.

We Were Soldiers That Knew What Women Want

Mel Gibson (Stewart) movie combo poorly addresses two subjects.

India.Arie performs “Ready For Love”

My Big Thick Novel

Author debates whether or not he should jump from party.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
January 19th, 2002

Jack Black

The Strokes

Kyle Gass

The Strokes, “Last Night”

Bush Eats Pretzel

President Bush (Will Ferrell) pretzel choke is cover-up.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Dick Cheney.

Jack Black’s Monologue

Black sings about exciting experience hosting SNL.

Flenderson’s

Gift cars are meaningless without a huge bow from Flenderson’s.

Russell Putnam: Private Investigator

Pothead reporter Russell Putnam (Black) solves a mystery pot cover-up.

Tales of Valour

Monster (Black) prefers slutty girl over virgin (Amy Poehler) sacrifice.

Love-ahs

Lovers Roger (Will Ferrell) and Virginia (Rachel Dratch) vacation at ski lodge.

Recurring Characters: Roger Klarvin, Virginia Klarvin.

Friends Promo

Sibling romance explored on the next episode of “Friends”.

Now That’s What Actors Call Singing!: Volume 1

Celebrities sing awful versions of well-known pop tunes on new album.

Bass-Off

Rivaling guitarists (Black, Will Ferrell) compete in a Bass-Off.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Jimmy Fallon has an Opinion on..

Amelie (Chris Kattan) visits the desk without saying a word.

Tenacious D (Black, Kyle Gass) sing about the Hornet’s Nest.

The Strokes perform “Last Night”

America Undercover

White trash couple (Chris Kattan, Amy Poehler) face argument over extramarital affair.

Happy Birthday Song

Mental giant (Black) composes new, complex “Happy Birthday” song.

My Big Thick Novel

Monkey aids prisoner in escape and prepares breakfast.

The Strokes perform “Hard to Explain”

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
May 11th, 2002

Kirsten Dunst

Eminem

None

Eminem, “Without Me”

White House Cabinet Meeting

President George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) fakes political knowledge with Cabinet.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Condoleeza Rice.

Kirsten Dunst’s Monologue

Horatio Sanz tries to convince Dunst that he’s Spider-Man.

Clear Results

Obviously pregnant woman (Ana Gasteyer) waits for results to be sure.

Last Call with Carson Daly

Carson Daly (Jimmy Fallon) hits on sample pianist Alexis Yarlsburg (Dunst).

Recurring Characters: Carson Daly.

TV Funhouse

Digital technology of “Bambi 2002” is no match for discontinued “Bambi”.

Demilon

Keeps Alzheimer’s patients in the dark.

Rehearsal Scene

Background actors ruin the scene for headline performers.

Jarrett’s Room

Jarret (Jimmy Fallon) accuses webcam co-ed (Dunst) of mimicry.

Recurring Characters: Jarret, Gobi.

Eminem performs “Without Me”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

The Hilton Sisters (Dunst, Maya Rudolph) make a surprise visit.

Chris Kattan’s Terrible Re-Enactment of Queen Elizabeth streaker.

Chris Parnell raps about pretend girlfriend Dunst.

Court TV

Anna Kournikova (Dunst) Penthouse lawsuit turns into “Laugh-In”-style gogo.

Wake Up Wakefield

The show goes on location for slumber party at Jenna’s (Dunst) house.

Recurring Characters: Megan, Sheldon, Randy Goldman.

The DeMarco Family

Kyle (Chris Kattan), Sean (Chris Parnell), Tamara Demarco (Dunst) dance for Eminem.

Recurring Characters: Kyle DeMarco, Sean DeMarco.

My Big Thick Novel

Author explains to young daughter what to do with old horses.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 6


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


November 17th, 2001

Billy Bob Thornton

Creed

None

Steve Higgins

Ashton Kutcher
Donald Rumsfeld Press BriefingSummary: Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld (Darrell Hammond) takes questions from the press corps.

Recurring Characters: Donald Rumsfeld.

Transcript

Montage

Billy Bob Thornton’s MonologueSummary: Billy Bob Thornton endures questions from audience members imitating his character from “Sling Blade.”

Transcript

Gay ThanksgivingSummary: The flamboyant antics of a gay Indian (Billy Bob Thornton) ruin the first Thanksgiving for the Pilgrims.

Transcript

EPT Home Pregnancy TestSummary: Strangers (Seth Meyers, Amy Poehler) check to see if they’re pregnant.

Note: Repeat from 11/03/01.

Nick Burns, Your Company Computer GuySummary: Nick Burns’ (Jimmy Fallon) dad (Billy Bob Thornton) helps him insult the office flunkies when their father-son lunch is interrupted.

Recurring Characters: Nick Burns.

Transcript

Brian Fellow’s Safari PlanetSummary: More animal mayhem and stupidity with Brian Fellow (Tracy Morgan).

Recurring Characters: Brian Fellow.

Transcript

Inside the Actor’s StudioSummary: Following an excruciating interview session, Billy Bob Thornton conducts a personal manhunt of James Lipton (Will Ferrell).

Recurring Characters: James Lipton.

Transcript

Martha Stewart LivingSummary: Martha Stewart (Ana Gasteyer) offers patriotic Thanksgiving tips to her viewers.

Recurring Characters: Martha Stewart.

Transcript

War PartySummary: Partygoers celebrate the latest U.S. victory in Afghanistan.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Harry Potter (Rachel Dratch) is exhausted during his movie press junket.

Recurring Characters: Harry Potter.

Transcript

Creed performs “My Sacrifice”

Fenced-In AreaSummary: A complacent farmer (Billy Bob Thornton) hasn’t decided on what to do with the fenced-in-area of his yard.

Transcript

Creed performs “Bullets”

My Big Thick NovelSummary: Author Jack Handey expresses his irk with hooligans and shenanigans.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
March 16th, 2002

Ian McKellen

Kylie Minogue

None

Kylie Minogue, “Can’t Get You Out Of My Head”

A Message From Tom Ridge

Tom Ridge (Darrell Hammond) unveils new color-coded alert system.

Ian McKellen’s Monologue

McKellen explains why he loves the cast of “Saturday Night Live”.

Kotex Classics

Kotex Classics bring back the thrill of the pads of yesteryear.

Versace Oscar Party

Donatella Versace (Maya Rudolph) makes her Oscar picks.

Recurring Characters: Donatella Versace.

Delicious Dish

Liam Shannessy (McKellen) discusses Irish cuisine.

Recurring Characters: Margaret Jo McCullen, Lynn.

TV Funhouse

Fun With Real Audio explores Bjork’s swan outfit at the 2001 Oscars.

Hot Air Balloon Mystery Theatre

Killer (Chris Parnell) can’t escape detective (McKellen) on small balloon.

Kylie Minogue performs “Can’t Get You Out Of My Head”.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Dame Maggie Smith (McKellen) reems Oscar nominees, kisses Jimmy Fallon.

Paula Jones (Rachel Dratch) regrets boxing match with Tonya Harding (Amy Poehler).

Jimmy Fallon’s Scottish joke magically summons Louie Anderson (Jeff Richards).

Recurring Characters: Paula Jones, Tonya Harding.

The Ferey Muhtar Talk Show

Turkish talk show bombs except for Darrell Hammond’s loose fake moustache.

Recurring Characters: Ferey Muhtar, Tariq Uzekiel.

One-Man Show

Edmund McGrave (McKellen) presents the life and times of Charles Dickens via wigs.

Kylie Minogue performs “In Your Eyes”.

Kevin and Richie’s Comic Book Zone

Kevin (Seth Meyers) and Richie (Horatio Sanz) share a love for comic books.

SNL Transcripts