Announcer: Ladies and Gentleman Mr. Robert Goulet.
Robert Goulet: Hello I’m Robert Goulet Da da de da da do. I know one thing we can agree on when a professional gets his mitts on a song that’s when it really takes off. Da da de da da do ba dob a do. That’s why I’ve gone out and done the music world a frickin’ service, and cut this compact disc. It’s called The Coconut Bangers Ball: It’s A Rap. Ha Ha Ha A little inside I know. Anyway what you get is one full hour of rip roarin’ rap music. Not by some dubious ruffians without the chops, but by a professionally trained voice man. No musical accompaniment. It’s just me out there. Watch what I do with this little ditty from Sisqo called the “Thong Song.”
(singing “Thong Song” by Sisqo)
“Oh girl that dress is so scandolous, And you know another Nigga couldn’t handle it. You see dumps like a truck, truck, truck Not like a what, what, what Baby move you butt,butt,butt I think I’ll sing it again Sha bang, sha bop,bop bop. Thong Song”
Something like that. Hey you wouldn’t let a clown fix a leak in the john. So why do you let these hooligans tear down the biz.Yeah!!!!! I don’t care if he is mister Notorious big. Can he croon.
(singing “Poppa” by Notorious B.I.G.)
“Poppa, I like it when you call me Big Poppa Throw your hands in the air if you think your a playa Poppa, I love it when you call me Big Poppa To the honeys makin’ money playin’ niggaz just like dummies Poppa”
You get the idea. We call it Coconut Bangers Ball: It’s A Rap. It’s Snoopy, Dre, Biggie, Puff Man, Cooooooooolio, the whole bunch.
(singing Who Let The Dogs Out by Baha Men)
“Who let the dogs out, Who let those dogs out, Who let those little muts gooooooooooo! Yeah! Goulet!”
Well I gotta a gig to make, but do yourself a big favor alright and go out and ( Big Horn walks into scene) hold on lookee here. It’s a big horn. Well! (grabs bowl of food) That’s why I come up here. Look at you. You’re hungry. You don’t even blink do you . Quick staring contest me and you Now! (staring contest begins, Goulet blinks) You win, you always do. That’s why I come up here.
(singing)
Nature! Goulet!
Anyway check out the CD you’ll just love it. Or my name isn’t Robert Goulet.
Announcer: The Coconut Bangers Ball: It’s A Rap in stores now.
Ray Murphy…..Molly Shannon
Rick Jennings…..Will Ferrell
Bartender…..Chris Kattan
[ open on an airport bar, with Rick Jennings sitting to the right.Ray Murphy appears, and Ray looks to the left as she arrives. ]
Ray Murphy: Hi! Are you Rick Jennings?
Rick Jennings: Yes, hi!
Ray Murphy: Hi…
Rick Jennings: Ray?
Ray Murphy: Ray.
Rick Jennings: Ray…
Ray Murphy: Murphy?
Rick Jennings: Yeah, Ray Murphy.
Ray Murphy: Nice to meet you…
Rick Jennings: Nice to meet you too… yeah…
Ray Murphy: Good…
Rick Jennings: Yeah…
Ray Murphy: So nice to meet you…
Rick Jennings: So nice to meet you!
Ray Murphy: Well…
Rick Jennings: You look great!
Ray Murphy: Thank you… so do you!
Rick Jennings: Sorry the stool is so high…
Ray Murphy: [ laughs ] That’s OK!
Rick Jennings: So, yeah…
Ray Murphy: Yeah…
[ they repeat this uncertainty routine for a few seconds ]
Rick Jennings: So…
Ray Murphy: It’s so nice to finally put a face with the voice I’ve talked to on the phone for so long.
Rick Jennings: [ in agreement ] Oh yeah, right, right!
Ray Murphy: So…
Rick Jennings: Do you, uh.. do you go on blind dates much?
Ray Murphy: You know, I really don’t, they sorta scare me. I’m a pretty shy person…
Rick Jennings: That’s understandable.
Ray Murphy: …and the whole thing just sorta makes me feel a little bit embarrassed or vulnerable, like that.
Rick Jennings: That’s fine, well… thank you for showing up!
Ray Murphy: Well, thank you for thanking me!
[ They both laugh ]
Ray Murphy: So…
Rick Jennings: Yeah… Would you likea drink?
Ray Murphy: Sure! I’m gonna have… a whiskey sour.
Rick Jennings: OK! I think I’ll have one, too!
Ray Murphy: Great!
Rick Jennings: [ to Bartender ] Excuse me. [ Bartender appears ] Um, can we have two whiskey sours?
Bartender: Two whiskey sours?
Rick Jennings: Yeah.
Bartender: OK. [ taps table, then leaves ]
Ray Murphy: So… can I ask you a question?
Rick Jennings: Yeah, sure.
Ray Murphy: Why did you pick an airport bar as a first date?
Rick Jennings: You know.. I thought you lived near the airport.
Ray Murphy: Really? That’s strange. No, I live down by the Dunes.
Rick Jennings: Oh.. OK.
Ray Murphy: Yeah…
Rick Jennings: How is it, is it nice down there?
Ray Murphy: Yeah, it’s great. My brother Mack and his wife have a place down there, so sometimes I stay with them.
Rick Jennings: Wait, so I’m confused. So, do you not have your own place, do you stay with your brother and his sister?
Ray Murphy: You know what, I don’t really wanna talk about that right now; I just met you and I don’t know you all that well, and maybe when I get to know you better I can tell you about my living situation, because, well… I really don’t wanna talk about it right now. So…
Rick Jennings: That’s fine.
Ray Murphy: Yeah.. sorta how I feel.
Rick Jennings: Fine.
Ray Murphy: So…
Rick Jennings: Yeah, we don’t hafta talk about it.
Ray Murphy: Yeah… OK… [ Bartender appears ]
Bartender: Two whiskey sours. [ places the drinks in front of Ray and his date ]
Rick Jennings: Thank you.
Bartender: Are either of you two on the 8:00 American flight to Boston?
Together: No, no…
Bartender: Because it just got delayed two hours… [ to Ray ] So you’re lucky. [ leaves ]
Rick Jennings: Yeah…
Ray Murphy: So, where do you live?
Rick Jennings: [ mimicking his date ] Um.. you know what? I’d really rather not talk about it right now… no, just kidding! I live just off of Dewberry Street–
Ray Murphy: [ peeved ] That’s not funny.
Rick Jennings: I was.. I was just joking.
Ray Murphy: Yeah, well, that’s not my kind of joking. [ awkward pause ] Maybe we could just change the subject.
Rick Jennings: OK, let’s just change it.
Ray Murphy: I’m sorta hungry, do you wanna get something to eat, like some chicken fingers?
Rick Jennings: That sounds great! That sounds great! [ to Bartender ] Excuse me… [Bartender appears] can we order some chicken fingers?
Bartender: You know what, we’re all out of chicken fingers.
Rick Jennings: OK… [ to Ray ] Do you like shrimp?
Ray Murphy: I LOVE shrimp, that sounds great!
Rick Jennings: OK… [ to Bartender ] Shrimp?
Bartender: Popcorn shrimp?
Rick Jennings: Yeah, that sounds great.
Bartender: OK. [ taps table once, then leaves ]
Ray Murphy: Um.. so what kind of work do you do?
Rick Jennings: I sell eyeglasses. I know it sounds weird.
Ray Murphy: It doesn’t sound weird.
Rick Jennings: Oh good, yeah.
Ray Murphy: I think it’s so cute when you see little babies or little children that wear little glasses.. it’s SO cute!
Rick Jennings: Yes! Or babies that wear sunglasses!
Ray Murphy: Exactly!
Rick Jennings: Adorable, it really is.
Ray Murphy: Cute…
Rick Jennings: [ to himself ] What else, what else can I ask you… [ Bartender appears ]
Bartender: Here’s your popcorn shrimp.
Ray Murphy and Ray Murphy: Mmmmmm…
Ray Murphy: That looks so good…
Rick Jennings: I absolutely love shrimp.
Ray Murphy: Is it your favorite food?
Rick Jennings: …Yes. Does your brother Mack, does he like shrimp?
Ray Murphy: [ shocked ] You know what, I don’t really wanna talk about that right now.
Rick Jennings: OK. I was just asking…
Ray Murphy: Well, don’t ask.
Rick Jennings: Listen, I’m sorry, I just think it’s weird that every time I ask you something about your brother, it’s a sensitive subject.
Ray Murphy: [ upset ] Look… why are you so curious about him? I told you I don’t wanna talk about him, and here we are going round and round talking about my brother. Why are you so curious about my brother Mack?
Rick Jennings: I just think it’s odd that I can’t ask you about your brother Mack or his wife or living down by the Dunes.
Ray Murphy: [ even more distraught ] Please stop talking about it! God! Really! [Bartender appears]
Bartender: How are we doing over here?
Rick Jennings: We’re doing fine, yeah… we’re doing great.
Bartender: …OK. [ taps counter once, then leaves ]
Rick Jennings: You know, it’s funny, I’m driving a rental car, and–
Ray Murphy: [ interrupting ] You know what, I’m gonna go. I’m gonna leave… I’m gonna leave, I have sort of a full plate… so I’m gonna grab my purse and…
Rick Jennings: Can I call you sometime?
Ray Murphy: Yeah… No.
Rick Jennings: Yeah, don’t call.
Ray Murphy: I really don’t think we’re a match, I know that sounds rough but that’s just sorta how I feel… so…
Rick Jennings: So, don’t call you?
Ray Murphy: No, don’t call. You want some money?
Rick Jennings: No, no, no, my treat.
Ray Murphy: Good… great…
Rick Jennings: Well, good luck.
Ray Murphy: Good luck to you!
[ they shake hands, then she leaves ]
[ Bartender appears ]
Ray Murphy: You know what, it turns out we did have those chicken fingers.
Dana Carvey: Alright! The Mets: 3, the Yankees: 2! I want us all to be happy and win – let’s join hands and pray! [ touches hair ] I’ve got a little George Bush hair, this is the weirdest hair I’ve ever had on TV. A little spiky. Uh.. who are you guys gonna vote for, Gore or Bush? I’m undecided. [ laughs ] I like Gore, though. I like the way he talks.. [ mimicking ] I like that sort of low-er thing he’s got. I like that little Top one-per-cent will ben-e-fit.. He just wants to distance himself from Clinton, have you noticed that? He gets up every morning: “I’m just gonna dis-tance my-self this morn-ing.. and then I’ll have break-fast, and I’ll spend two hours dis-tanc-ing my-self..
Bush is kind of cool. He’s got some weird faces, though, as Will’s been doing on the show. He’s got this one look where he goes to the side.. [ demonstrates ] ..kind of like that, when he’s thinking. And then, when he’s listening, he makes his mouth smaller than it anatomically should be able to get. I’ve never seen a mouth that tiny! When he’s listening to Gore, he’s like this.. [ demonstrates ] And the final one is when he’s got something kind of clever inside, and his eyebrows want to go up with the light but he’s trying to keep them down – this one.. [ demonstrates ] He’s smooth, because Gore is with all the details: “10%, and Top 5%, and I’ll do $1 for every $2, we’ve got $300 billion this and that..” And Bush is just sitting there going, “You know, if he wants to say I’m a hard-hearted person, that’s just not true!” [ snickers ]
I don’t know. They could have Lieberman in there, he’s cool. He says God a lot, which I think is kind of charming. He sounds like he has an intestinal problem, doesn’t he? [ mimicking ] “I mean.. God bless.. God bless everybody.. but I gotta find a bathroom!”
A lot of important stuff hinges on this election, you know? A lot of people are watching it closely. Microsoft, Bill Gates is watching this. Bill Gates, who apparently made a deal with the Devil – “You can have $60 billion, but you have to go through life looking like a turtle.” [ laughs ] I found out that Microsoft is gonna have Johnnie Cochran be their lead attorney for their appeal. Which is a good idea, that guy is brilliant, Johnnie Cochran.. [ mimicking ] “It’s an outrage! It’s an outrage to talk about Microsoft’s a monopoly! Everyone knows Monopoly’s a board game! That’s right! Talk about St. Charles Place! Talk about Indiana Avenue! Talk about little tiny, metal top hat! If there is no Community Chest, you must not arrest!”
Ladies and gentlemen, The Wallflowers are here! We’ve got a great show, stick around we’ll be right back!
[ open on Wilford Brimley sitting atop a horse next to a wooden fence on his farm ]
Wilford Brimley: Hi. I’m Wilford Brimley, and I’ve had diabetes for about 20 years. I stay active and I feel pretty good most of the time. See, I do things differently now. I’m not perfect, but I try to watch my diet and exercise. And I check my blood sugar, and I get all my diabetic testing supplies from Liberty Mutual.
Like I said, I’m not perfect. I guess.. some of the things I told you just now are downright fibs. Like the diet and exercise thing. When I said I watch my diet, I guess I mean I watch the minivan from Buddy’s Barbecue pull up and unload about $200 worth of pork ribs onto my driveway. While I stand in the doorway hiding my food boner in my Bermuda shorts.
When it comes to exercise, well that’s just a boldfaced lie. I’ve never moved fast enough to sweat , except when I was making a baby. Even then, I took some much-needed breaks. My doctor isn’t even sure I’ve got diabetes. He just says I look like somebody who would have it. I do check my blood-sugar every day, though, just in case. And Liberty Medical brings all the teting supplies right to my door, so it’s easy to track my health.
[ sprays whipped cream into his mouth ]
Who am I kidding? That’s bull hockey! I don’t keep track of my health at all! People just assume I eat a lot of quaker Oats, so I must be okay. Hell, I wouldnt eat oatmeal if it was the filling in a Dove bar. I can’t stand that gobbledlygook! It always seems like somebody else ate it first. Sorry, Quaker, but I’m Wilford Brimley, I say it how I feel it.
You know what I do like, are them S’Mores. And old-fashioned wedding cake frosting – the kind that’s still got lard in it. And merangue made out of egg yolks instead of egg whites. Some people call it cholestoral, I just call it good.
If you have diabetes, you check your blood sugar, and you check it often. There’s no reason not to. Call Liberty. They can help you have a better life.
Now, I’m gonna go get off my horse by getting onto a smaller horse, and then onto a large dog, until I’m near enough to the ground to roll off.
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey Gay Hitler (Chris Kattan) visits. Colin Quinn explains what’s going on in Afghanistan. Neil Diamond (Will Ferrell) sings “Turn On Your Heartlight”. Recurring Characters: Neil Diamond.
Action Talk Show Klaus Von Braunman (Chris Kattan) and direct-to-video action movies.
“King Kong” On WUUB To save money, Public Broadcasting station recreates “King Kong” remake.
SummaryOn September 11th, 2001, 18 days prior to “Saturday Night Live”‘s 27th season premiere, terrorists attacked the World Trade Center’s Twin Towers in New York City. It seemed that life as America knew it had come to a halt, but President George W. Bush and New York Mayor Rudolph Guiliani (two politicians lampooned regularly on “SNL”) declared that the city would overcome the tragedy. As proof, the Mayor himself appeared on the season premiere to pay tribute to the men, women and children whose lives were lost in the attack, and to encourage “SNL” to let the show go on. Not returning the late-night comedy institution was Jerry Minor, who, as a featured performer, played a very minor role indeed during the 2000 season. Chris Parnell had also been let go from the cast, but managed to find his way back into the inner sanctum by the March 2nd, 2002 episode, and stayed for the remainder of the season. Four new featured performers – Dean Edwards, Seth Meyers, Amy Poehler and Jeff Richards – were added to the cast. Of the four, Poehler’s star shined the brightest, as she was quickly upgraded to full cast member status after the Christmas break.
SummaryWith the advent of the 2000 season, “Saturday Night Live” has been on the air for a quarter of a century, and now advances to the next millenium. Fans finally say goodbye to Tim Meadows, who spent a tenth of a century as a cast member on the show. Cheri Oteri and Colin Quinn also left at the end of the 25th season; though Cheri’s departure didn’t traumatize production of the show, Colin’s resignation left a void behind the “Weekend Update” desk, sending producers into a frantic rush to find a replacement. After a series of auditions, a decision had been made – a return to the old days of “Weekend Update” as a co-anchor team, with fan favorite Jimmy Fallon and head writer Tina Fey chosen as the new anchors. Other new faces include Jerry Minor and Maya Rudolph, the latter of whom spent two episodes at the end of last season testing the waters. 2000 is also an important election year, as “SNL” gets the nod from the network to air a prime-time special of favorite political sketches from the first 25 years, complete with the real George W. Bush and Al Gore opening the show. And with an election that seems unable to draw a clear winner, Will Ferrell and Darrell Hammond gain a little extra time to perfect their impressions of the candidates! Aside from the election special, the cast received an extra 40 minutes’ worth of performance time on Thursdays, as NBC attempted to pull some of the ratings from CBS’ “Survivor” series. The ploy wasn’t very effective, though Molly Shannon helped boost the regular time slot’s ratings when she decided to leave “SNL” following the February 17th, 2001 broadcast.
Al Michaels…..Darrell Hammond Dan Fouts…..Will Ferrell Dennis Miller…..Jimmy Fallon Melissa Stark…..Maya Rudolph Eric Dickerson…..Tracy Morgan
Al Michaels: This Teflon-coated roof will be vibrating tonight as the Tampa Bay Buccaneers battle the Minnesota Vikings on Monday Night Football. Hello, everybody, I’m Al Michaels. The Buccaneers, who are tied for first place, are about to take on the undefeated Minnesota Vikings in what should be a thriller. Then tomorrow night on ABC, from a single girl to a mother of two in six dates flat, The Geena Davis Show. I’m joined now by Dan Fouts.
Dan Fouts: Hey, Al.
Al Michaels: Dan, it seems to me that the Buccaneers and the Vikings are serious Super Bowl favourites.
Dan Fouts: That’s right, Al. Tampa Bay is an excellent, excellent football team. But the Vikings have a great football team too. Al, my prediction is that whoever puts the most points on the scoreboard will probably win tonight’s football game.
Al Michaels: The expertise of a true NFL great. For an injury report, let’s go to Melissa Stark.
Melissa Stark: Hi, Al. Tampa Bay running back Warrick Dunn is out for the third straight game after tearing the medialateral ligament in his left knee. Now, this is a guy who’s averaged 4.6 yards a carry, Al. You know, Al, you may not take me seriously because I’m a woman wearing a lavender sweater set from Club Monaco, but I know one thing, Al. I know my football!
Dan Fouts: That girl’s got something, she’s got a real spark, and that’s all right with me, Al.
Al Michaels: We’re joined now by Dennis Miller. Dennis, Tampa Bay coach Tony Dungie, what do you think?
Dennis Miller: Well folks, tonight’s pigskin competition will involve more offensive strategy than an Albert Spier designed German blitzkreig! On one side, you’ve got Dennis Green, a draft pick virtuoso, not to mention a guy who stole Eldridge Cleaver’s afro! Ha ha! On the other side of the ball, we’ve got Bucko’s skipper Tony Dungie, who created a pass rush just as volatile as Dennis Hopper after a three day crystal meth binge, babe! By any measure, wide receiver Randy Moss scores more often than Leo DiCaprio at an NSYNC concert at the Mall of America during a lunar eclipse! If Tampa Bay loses tonight, they’ll be understudies in the Bogaraton dinner theatre production of Les Mis with Warren Sapp as Jean Valjean! Isn’t that right, Albino!
Al Michaels: Warren Sapp, perhaps the most feared man in the NFC, and this Friday on ABC, it’s Madigan Men!
Dennis Miller: Hey, Al, I saw the Madigan Men pilot. It’s got fewer laughs than Molly Blum’s internal monologue at the end of Jimmy Joyce’s “Ulysses.”
Dan Fouts: Ulysses, I love this guy, Al.
Dennis Miller: It’s like attending Haley Joel Osment’s birthday party at Benny Hara..
Dan Fouts: Dennis, you lost me on that one, buddy.
Al Michaels: You know, a lot has been made about the great running backs, who better to discuss it, here’s Eric Dickerson.
Eric Dickerson: My man.. Who’s proud about it. Dante Culpepper’s proud about it. I met Dante at the bar. He passed for three touchdowns last week. I asked Dante about the Tampa Bay D. But Dante said he’s not worried about that. I told him you gotta get your freak on, kid. He said, I’m a butler..
Al Michaels: Well, thoughtful commentary from the former Ram, and political drama this Wednesday on ABC’s Gideon’s Crossing. Dan, quarterback Shaun King, your take.
Dan Fouts: Al, Shaun King knows how to throw the football. Okay, and a quarterback is able to take that football up into the air into the hands of the reciever as he’s running down the field, really that’ll help this team score a touchdown, and that’s what this game’s all about.
Al Michaels: For an injury update, let’s go back to Melissa Stark.
Melissa Stark: Hi Al. Viking tackle Tony Williams may not play due to a groin injury. I don’t know firsthand what that feels like, Al, but you probably don’t understand the pain of childbirth either, Al. You know, Al, I know it’s awkward for you to be working with a woman, but I wish you’d say hi to me in the hallway sometimes. Hopefully in time, Al, you won’t see me as a threat, but as a colleague, who knows her football.
Dan Fouts: I like this lady, Al, I really do.
Dennis Miller: Dan, it looks like you’re sprouting a little wood there, babe. I haven’t seen a package that tight since I got a COD from Teddy Kaczinski!
Al Michaels: We’re just two minutes away from kickoff here at the Metrodome, and I think all of you Monday Night Football fans will agree, that this new crew that I’m working with makes me very lucky to have worked with Boomer Esaison. We’ll be right back after this.
Mr. Tarkanian…..Will Ferrell Job Applicant…..Pierce Brosnan Secretary…..Tina Fey Female Employee…..Rachel Dratch Male Employee…..Chris Kattan Black Employee…..Jerry Minor Scott Jurgenson…..Chris Parnell
[ open on interior, Mr. Tarkanian’s office, as he interviews a Job Applicant ]
Mr. Tarkanian: And we offer full benefits, and three weeks’ paid vacation.
Job Applicant: Oh? Three weeks? Wow!
Mr. Tarkanian: Yeah.. I’m not gonna lie to you, Kirk, you’re very high on our list, and we want you to work here very much. So, what do you think?
Job Applicant: I, uh.. I think I want the job.
Mr. Tarkanian: Fantastic!
Job Applicant: Oh, excellent!
Mr. Tarkanian: Great. So, we’ll give you a pass key, and assign you a desk and a parking space, and..
Female Employee: [ timidly approaches ] Excuse me, Mr. Tarkanian?
Mr. Tarkanian: [ angry ] Why are you interrupting me?!
Female Employee: Well, I just thought that..
Mr. Tarkanian: You thought?! You DO NOT INTERRUPT ME WHEN I AM BUSY!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!! I do NOT want you to pull this AMATEUR BULLCRAP, ALRIGHT?!! I’m a PROFESSIONAL! Do you HEAR me?!! Do you UNDERSTAND ME?!!
Female Employee: [ frightened ] Yes.. Mr. Tarkanian.. [ runs out of office ]
Mr. Tarkanian: [ returns to Job Applicant as though nothing had happened ] So, you should probably go to Personnel and get started on your paperwork..
Job Applicant: [ bewildered ] What, what was that about..?
Mr. Tarkanian: Oh.. oh, sorry you had to see that.. she can, uh, she can be a real bitch! [ laughs ] Hey, you’re timing is perfect – we’re having the company barbecue next month. I hope you like barbecues.
Job Applicant: Oh, I enojy barbecue quite a bit, actually!
Mr. Tarkanian: Good.
Male Employee: [ enters ] Here you are, Mr. Tarkanian, the new copy’s finished.
Mr. Tarkanian: [ looks it over ] Okay, you know what? I don’t know if I would have done this.. yeah.
Male Employee: Is there a problem with it, or..?
Mr. Tarkanian: [ stands ] You do NOT hand in CRAP like THIS!! This looks like you took a CRAP or a DUMP in the PRINTER!! You are SCUM!! I should FIRE you and BURN down your FRIGGIN’ HOUSE!! I am THIS close to RAPING YOU!!
Male Employee: I’m sorry.. [ exits ]
Job Applicant: [ tries not to laugh ]
Mr. Tarkanian: Office politics. Sometimes I think this place is like “Ally McBeal”.
Job Applicant: Is this.. is this how you deal with your employees?
Mr. Tarkanian: What?
Job Applicant: Uh.. I.. I’m not sure I want to work in this kind of environment.
Mr. Tarkanian: [ looks at his Secretary ] Hold on a second..
Secretary: [ tending a personal call ] Car accident?! Oh, my God, is he okay..?
Mr. Tarkanian: HEY!! HEY!! NOT ON MY WATCH!! NO PERSONAL PHONE CALLS!! ALRIGHT?! I SHOULD POUNCH YOU IN THE MOUTH!! USE COMPANY TIME TO TALK TO YOUR DISGUSTING WHORE FRIENDS?!! NO!! [ hangs up phone ] YOU DO NOT DO THIS!! YOU DO NOT!! [ bitch-slaps her ]
Secretary: [ cries ]
Mr. Tarkanian: [ casually returns to his desk ] Hey-ey-ey! Just takin’ care of some business! You want to go out for a beer and celebrate?
Job Applicant: I-I-I don’t think I want to work here..
Mr. Tarkanian: Why? What’s wrong? [ Black Employee enters eating a donut ] HEY!! HEY!!
Black Employee: [ confused ] What is it, Mr. Tarkanian?
Mr. Tarkanian: [ stands ] Oh, thank you, that’s exactly the response I’m looking for! [ kicks Black Employee down ] Now, get up! GET UP, you CRAZY BLACK MAN! Im going to make you DRINK my PISS!! [ fumbles with his zipper ]
Black Employee: [ scared ] Hey, are you crazy, man?!!
Mr. Tarkanian: [ primal scream ] I am a STRONG man!! ANYONE in this office, take a RUN AT ME!!
Scott Jurgenson: [ enters carrying a trident and a net ] Mr. Tarkanian!! I am ready to take you!! I have been LIFTING WEIGHTS and doing COCAINE all day!! And I want a BIG PIECE of YOU, sir!!
Mr. Tarkanian: [ excited ] OHHHHHH!!! SCOTT JURGENSON!! I LOVE it!! I am ACTUALLY gonna MURDER YOU!!
[ Scott attempts to attack Mr. Tarkanian with the trident, but Tarkanian punches him in the face and seizes the trident away, then pushes Scott to the ground and stabs him thirty-three times with the trident, as Job Applicant watches in horror ]
Mr. Tarkanian: [ finished, nonchalantly returns to his desk ] Alright.. sorry to keep you waiting.. let’s get you logged on to your computer.
Job Applicant: You are a terrible, terrible man!
Mr. Tarkanian: Well.. I’m a stickler! We take a lot of pride around here. It’s not easy running the best – well, the fourth best – in-flight magazine in the business.
Job Applicant: I don’t really think I want to work here, thank you.
Mr. Tarkanian: Well, that’s a real shame. That article you wrote for Continental about Peter Falk’s favorite restaurants in San Fransisco really turned some heads around here.
Job Applicant: You just murdered one of your employees with a trident!
Mr. Tarkanian: You know what? Just work here, okay? Take some time to weigh the pros and cons. Pros: you’ll be working for a slightly-above in-flight magazine, for $22,400 a year; cons: me, kicking you ’til there’s blood in your stool, then grabbing your wife’s boobies while you’re tied up with a racquetball shoved in your mouth. Now, balance it out, and think about it..
Job Applicant: [ stands ] I just don’t think I want to work here!
Mr. Tarkanian: Fair enough. Ordinarily, I’d whip your nuts with a car antenna for that kind of callous attitude – but you thought about it, and you don’t want to work here. [ spots Secretary exiting the office ] HEY!! YOU GET BACK HERE!! [ chases screaming secretary out of office ]
Britney Spears performs “I’m Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman”
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey Joe Palindrome (Seth Meyers) points Jimmy Fallon for Ciccoline joke. From Mogadishu, war correspondent Geraldo Rivera (Darrell Hammond) is a sexy man. Jimmy Fallon offers recent song parodies for Winter Olympics theme song. Neil Diamond (Will Ferrell) thinks “America” is a good enough theme song. Recurring Characters: Geraldo Rivera, Neil Diamond.
Astronaut Jones Astronaut Jones (Tracy Morgan), defender of space ass.
HBO: First Look Gemini’s Twin (Ana Gasteyer, Maya Rudolph, Spears) film “Damn My Dixie’s On Fire”. Recurring Characters: Joanette, Britanica.
9 News Morning Edition Stolen chairs and technical gaffes mar performance of morning news broadcast.
Britney Spears performs “Boys”
The Leather Man Leather Man (Jimmy Fallon) is obsessed with leather clothing.
Air Date:
Britney Spears, “I’m Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman”
