Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Special: Live From New York: The First 5 Years of Saturday Night Live

Live From New York: The First 5 Years of Saturday Night Live

…..Lorne Michaels
…..Dan Aykroyd
…..Marilyn Suzanne Miller
…..Herb Sargent
…..Eric Idle
…..Eugene Lee
…..Rosie Shuster
…..Candace Bergen
…..Bernie Brillstein

[ return from commercial on The Band’s medley performance, 10/31/76 ]

The Band: [ singing ]
“Life is a carnival, believe it or not
Life is a carnival, two bits a shot.”

Eugene Lee: The idea of a show having a home in that sort of setting was very disorienting. But Lorne wanted to be right in the heart of it.

Craig Kellem: At 30 Rockefeller Plaza, you feel overwhelmed by show business. You have the quintessential New York attitude, which is, “We don’t care who you are, and who are you?”

Dan Aykroyd: I always had trouble getting in. The guards just never respected me.

Marilyn Miller: They didn’t know what they were going to encounter when they got off the elevator, and they didn’t want to know.

Tom Davis: It was rough out there on 17.

Howard Shore: 17th floor is a mad house. There’s no question about it. I mean, it was crazy.

Marilyn Miller: You know, it looks — it looks like a dorm. [ cackles ] It looked like utter Hell.

Steve Martin: It looks like a dorm.

Marilyn Miller: That’s what it was, it was a dorm. With all the desks, like, in the hallways, one after another.

Herb Sargent: Like an Army base. It was like a camp. If you opened the door, you would hear screaming, or laughter, or fighting, or something. Close the door, and it was quiet again.

Eric Idle: It was like a huge play pen for comedians and writers. And they said, “Here’s NBC, and from here on, it isn’t NBC. It’s Anti-NBC.”

[ Eric Idle monologue, 1978 ]

Eric Idle: Hey, I thought this sketch had been cut. Yeah, this is out. This is out. Have you seen the writers, anybody? Oh, God. [ Sitar music ] Hello?

Dan Aykroyd: We were living in the building, a lot of us. I managed to get a shower and bunk beds installed in my office.

Marilyn Miller: Nobody would go, “just a moment, would you hold on? I’ll get him.” They’d go, “There’s a phone call for you in your room!” “Your room.” Rockefeller center was “your room.”

Howard Shore: I think the 17th floor was nicer than any of our apartments. We didn’t make much money.

Eugene Lee: I mean, we were rowdy back then, you know? We were very rowdy, that’s all. I mean, the elevator door on 17 was all busted up, you know, because, what do you do when you wait for the elevator? You kick the door.

[ cut to entrance of “Interior Demolitionists” ]

Good morning, Ma’am.

Good morning, Ma’am. Interior demolitionists. Are you Mrs. Henderson?

Mrs. Henderson: Yeah. Interior demolitionists?

Yeah. Where do you want us to begin?

Mrs. Henderson: [ calling upstairs ] Honey, did you send for Interior demolitionists?

Rosie Shuster: There was a food metaphor Lorne had, like, “We know the ingredients, we just don’t know the quantity and the recipe. So we’re going to find it on its feet.”

Lorne Michaels: We had a momentum. We were doing shows one after another. And there was an incredible level of fatigue. And excitement.

Dick Ebersol: Show four, with Candy Bergen, is the first show that begins to have, sort of, that infectious, mass cast kind of feeling of, “We’re all having, really, a good time here.”

[ clips from Bergen’s first episode: Ford, Bee Monologue, World Leader, Albert Brooks, Kiwi ]

[ cut to opening of “Jaws II” ]

[ doorbell sounds ]

Woman #1: [ moves to chain-locked door ] Who is it?

Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Mrs. Ramilarghh??

Woman #1: Who is it?

Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Plumber..

Woman #1: Plumber? I didn’t ask for a plumber. Who is it?

Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Telegram.

Woman #1: Oh. Telegram. Just a moment.

[ unlocks door, and opens it. The head of the shark appears, grabbing her arm and pulling her into the hallway as she screams. ]

[ SUPER: “Jaws II” ]

Lorne Michaels: I think the confidence that we had came from being a group. There was so much talent around that you just fed off it.

Candace Bergen: From the first show, to the one I did, which I think was the fourth show, “I’m Chevy Chase and you’re not” became part of the pop culture. [ cut to opening of “Weekend Update” ]

Announcer: and now, “Weekend Update” with Chevy Chase.

Chevy Chase: [ into phone ] What do you mean you’re late? How late? Two weeks late. That could be emotions. Don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of it, okay? Okay. Good-bye, Barbara. Margaret. I’m sorry.

Good evening, I’m Chevy Chase and you’re not.

Bernie Brillstein: And Chevy was a star before he was a star. You know, he just looked like a star, acted like a star and was really talented.

Dan Aykroyd: He wrote for the other cast members, you know? He was very generous that way. And he exploded very fast to superstardom status.

Belushi: Well, Mr. Chase…

Lorne Michaels: When they’d done “Lemmings,” John was the star of the show. And I think that it just began to alter the balance.

[ Belushi punches Chevy ]

Marilyn Miller: Chevy was supposed to be, sort of, the Cary Grant of the cast. He was the W.A.S.P., Handsome Guy. The rest of us were considered schlubs.[ cut to “Chevy’s Girls” ]

Chevy’s Girls: [ singing ]
“Chevy! Chevy!
I love when you fall down
Each “Saturday Night” on my TV.
Oh, but, Chevy, every time you take that fall
I wish that you were falling, falling for me!”

[ cut to the 1976 Emmy Awards ]

Redd Foxx: For Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Variety or Music Series, Chevy Chase.

[ Chevy Chase jokingly stumbles his way toward the podium ]

Chevy Chase: Needless to say, this is totally expected on my part. [ Light laughter ]

For Outstanding Comedy, Variety or Music Series, “NBC’s Saturday Night.” Lorne Michaels, producer.

[ Lorne Michaels run up to the stage to accept his Emmy award ]

Lorne Michaels V/O: And I thought, “It’s not going to get better than this. Is there a way I can get out of here?”

Lorne Michaels: [ at the podium ] I would like to thank the people at NBC, most notably, Dick Ebersol, who was there at the beginning, and has supported us all along. I’d also like to thank the city of New York for the correct combination of rejection and alienation, which keeps the comedy spirit alive. [ laughter ] I’d like to thank the best production staff, a lot of old timers who worked in live television, and neglected to mention what it was like before we started.

Lorne Michaels: That’s when the Industry began to notice us. And after that, the state of grace that we’d been in up to that point changed.

[ commercial break ]

Back | Next

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Special: Live From New York: The First 5 Years of Saturday Night Live

Live From New York: The First 5 Years of Saturday Night Live

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Molly Shannon
…..Tim Meadows
…..Norm MacDonald
…..Dana Carvey
…..Conan O’Brien
…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Al Franken
…..Rosie Shuster
…..Candace Bergen
…..Dan Aykroyd
…..Chevy Chase
…..Howard Shore
…..Anne Beatts
…..Eric Idle
…..Laraine Newman
…..Tom Schiller
…..Garrett Morris
…..Alan Zwiebel
…..Herb Sargent
…..Barbara Gallagher
…..Don Pardo
…..Craig Kellem
…..Neil Levy
…..Dick Ebersol

[ open on Beatles Offer, 04/24/76 ]

Lorne Michaels: Hi. I’m Lorne Michaels, the producer of “Saturday Night.”

[ cut to opening of Gilda Answers Audience Questions, 02/25/78 ]

Gilda Radner: Hi, I’m Gilda Radner.

[ cut to opening of Weekend Update with Jane Curtin ]

Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin.

[ cut to Dan Aykroyd commentary on Weekend Update ]

Dan Aykroyd: I’m Dan Aykroyd.

[ cut to opening of White Guilt Relief Fund, 02/28/76 ]

Garrett Morris: I’m Garrett Morris.

[ cut to opening of John Belushi’s Dream, 03/12/77 ]

John Belushi: Hi, I’m John Belushi.

[ cut to opening of Weekend Update with Chevy Chase ]

Chevy Chase: I’m Chevy Chase.

[ cut to opening of The New Guy, 03/19/77 ]

Bill Murray: Hello, I’m Bill Murray.

[ cut to Laraine Newman closing a Weekend Update satellite report ]

Laraine Newman: This is Laraine Newman, saying —

[ cut back to close of Gilda Answers Audience Questions, 02/25/78 ]

Gilda Radner: “Live, from New York, it’s “Saturday Night”!

[ dissolve to opening montage of “Live From New York: The First 5 Years of Saturday Night Live” ]

Jimmy Fallon: When I was, like, a kid, me and my sister would imitate the Wild and Crazy Guys. [ imitates Wild and Crazy Guys ] “Let’s go to Statue of Liberty to get birth control devices.” You know? Like, my grandfather’s like, “What are you teaching these kids?”

[ cut to Georg toasting Yortuk in Wild and Crazy Guys!, 04/22/78 ]

Georg Festrunk: We are two wild and crazy guys!

Molly Shannon: I have such fond memories of seeing my father, like, roar with laughter. And it was a way to connect, and this opening of a world that was brand new to me.

[ cut to Julia Child bleeding in The French Chef, 12/09/78 ]

Julia Child: Oh! Oh, God, it’s throbbing! [ Laughter ]

Tim Meadows: You weren’t used to seeing a black guy get angry at a white guy in a comedy sketch. So, it was sort of, like, empowering.

[ cut to Interviewer interviewing Mr. Wilson in Racist Word Association Interview, 12/13/75 ]

Interviewer: I think you’re qualified for this job. How about a starting salary of $5,000?

Mr. Wilson: Your mama!

Norm MacDonald: I loved Laraine Newman. Reminded me of the girls that you could actually get, instead of TV girls.

[ cut to opening of E. Buzz Miller’s Exercise World, 04/15/78 ]

E. Buzz Miller: Say Hi to our viewers, Christy.

Christy Christina: Hi! [ giggles ]

Dana Carvey: When “Saturday Night Live” premiered, yeah, it was just like they were the coolest of the cool. They were literally the Beatles of comedy.

[ cut to the Earl of Sandwich approaching Lord Douchebag in Lord Douchebag, 05/24/80 ]

Earl of Sandwich: Douchebag!

Conan O’Brien: And the sense of humor is so — it was the way that you were funny with your friends in the lunchroom. It wasn’t anything that you’d seen on TV before.

[ cut to Wolverines, 10/11/75, as the Immigrant looks puzzled for a moment, then repeats the Professors gasp, clutches his chest, and throws himself on the floor ]

Conan O’Brien: I just remember thinking how cool I was to be able to stay up so late and watch this funny stuff on television.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: I sort of felt a part of the irreverence. I was getting the jokes, too. I was very mature. You know.

[ cut to Spokeswoman speaking in Gidget’s Disease, 03/12/77 ]

Spokeswoman: Really enough to make you want to puke your guts out. [ Laughter ]

[ pull out on full title card, zoom in on early black-and-white photo of Lorne Michaels ]

Lorne Michaels: At that point in my life, for better, for worse, I was just completely uncompromising.

[ cut to Weekend Update with Chevy Chase ]

Chevy Chase: Let’s take a brief look back at 1975, shall we? [ turns his head to look back at “1975” on the screen ]

[ cut to Loudon Wainwright III’s performance of “Bicentennial”, 11/15/75 ]

Loudon Wainwright III: [ singing ]
“Hey, we’re gonna have an anniversary
Yes, it’s gonna be a bicentennial.
Hey, America’s having a birthday
Gonna be 200 years old
Isn’t it wonderful?”

Al Franken: You got to go back to 1975. We were still in Vietnam, and Nixon’s resignation was still fresh.

[ cut to Final Days, 05/08/76 ]

President Richard Nixon: You know I’m not a crook, Henry. You know that I’m innocent.

Rosie Shuster: We were children of the ’60s. We’d come out of the pill, and free love, and sex, drugs, rock ‘N’ roll, but also out of civil rights and feminism, and there was nothing on the airwaves that fed back to us the culture we were living. Movies had done it, rock ‘n’ roll had done it, but television was way behind.

[ cut to Patti Smith’s performance of “My Generation”, 04/17/76 ]

Patti Smith: [ singing ]
“Talking about my generation.”

Candace Bergen: If you could see who ran the network in those days, it was really entrenched bureaucracy, and the suits and the ties.

[ cut to Fred Silverman sketch, 12/02/78 ]

Fred Silverman: Can’t believe that I had to cancel nine shows. And they were terrible shows! I don’t understand how they fail.

Dan Aykroyd: The only thing out there were shows that had these, sort of, sketch sensibilities. You know, they were joke machines – We weren’t a joke machine – while we were a concept machine, a scene machine.

[ cut to The Bees, 10/18/75 ]

Paul Simon: Oh, my goodness. I’m really sorry. The Bees number’s cut!

Jane Curtin: What?

Dan Aykroyd: Aw, shucks!

Rosie Shuster: I don’t think they had a lot of confidence in this show. I mean, I don’t think they really understood any more than we did what was about to happen.

Chevy Chase: We went in with no aspirations, no sense that this would go anywhere. And that we had a chance, at least for a year, to parody and take down television.

Rosie Shuster: And, you know, the big question was, “Now what?”

[ cut to Elvis Costello’s performance of “Watching the Detectives”, 12/17/77 ]

Elvis Costello: [ singing ]
“Nice girls, not one with a defect
Cellophane shrink wrapped so-correct
Red dogs under illegal legs.”

Howard Shore: April 1st of 1975, I began moving from my room at the Chateau Marmont. Before we knew it, we were in New York. And Lorne and Tom Schiller were living at the Plaza.

Tom Schiller: He was monomaniacal about it. Everything he said was about “The Show.” “The Show.” And “What show,” I thought. You know?

Lorne Michaels: Since I didn’t know anyone in New York, Marilyn Miller, who I’d known as a writer on Lily’s show said, “You should look up Michael O’Donoghue.”

Chevy Chase: O’Donoghue was the managing editor of “The Lampoon” when they put it out with the cover showing a dog and a gun saying, “If you don’t buy this magazine, we’ll shoot this dog.” Michael was living with a woman named Anne Beatts.

Anne Beatts: I rather audaciously told him how much I disliked the Lily Tomlin specials, and that I preferred Sonny and Cher. And why he wanted to hire me, I can’t imagine.

Chevy Chase: I was in a line for Monty Python’s “Holy Grail.” “We are the knights who say ‘Nee’.” You know. And next to me was Lorne. And we immediately hit it off.

Lorne Michaels: So I offered him a writing job. And he was torn, ’cause he wanted to be a performer. And I couldn’t guarantee that he would be in the cast. He and O’Donoghue knew each other, so this was a natural chemistry there.

Chevy Chase: Tony Hendra was putting together something called “National Lampoon’s Lemmings.” And he’d called in a ringer from Chicago’s Second City, and that was Belushi. John was, without a doubt, the star of the show.

Lorne Michaels: Everybody thought it would be a good idea if I met John. I met John. He told me that he didn’t do television. We didn’t hit it off. Gilda, who also knew John, said he has a — as he does, you know, a real sweet side.

Anne Beatts: Gilda was in New York doing the “National Lampoon” show. So she was someone that was, like, part of the family already. Bill [Murray] was also somebody that we were really keen on Lorne hiring, but instead, he wanted to hire this Canadian guy that we were suspicious of. This Aykroyd fellow. Dan had just come in from Toronto on a motorcycle the size of a building.

Dan Aykroyd: Once Lorne saw Belushi and I together, that he didn’t like. He saw a power structure there that might challenge his authority. Franken and Davis and Gilda were sort of lobbying, and convinced him to hire us.

Marilyn Miller: I knew Franken and Davis in L.A. Because all the young people hung out at the Comedy Store.

Al Franken: She had paid me to play tennis with her. Kind of humiliating. But I had no money.

Eric Idle: Franken and Davis were like a classic comedy writing duo, you know. But they were always, like, whacked out of their skulls.

Al Franken: Tom and I were the only writers that Lorne hired that he hadn’t met. And to this day, we believe that if he had met us, we would not have been hired.

Anne Beatts: Laraine had already been cast.

Lorne Michaels: I knew Laraine Newman from “The Lily Tomlin Show.”

Laraine Newman: Gilda and I watched the auditions. And boy, am I glad I didn’t have to audition.

Barbara Gallagher: The audition, at least 400 people.Tom Schiller: People like Jane Curtin came in.

Lorne Michaels: Jane looked like she belonged on television. She had a face that was sort of built for parody.

Barbara Gallagher: Garrett, by the way, Garrett Morris, he was a writer to begin with. And Lorne wanted to put him on the air.

Garrett Morris: Lorne put out the word that he wanted a black writer. And being crazy, you know, he didn’t know me from Adam. I must have looked — I don’t know. He said, “You’re hired,” right?

Tom Schiller: Alan Zweibel, one of the most nervous guys in the world, came in.Alan Zweibel: I was a joke writer for Catskill comedians. This guy sits down next to me. And he said, “You’re the worst comedian I’ve ever seen in my life. How much money do you need to live?” So I said, “well, I’m making $2.75 an hour at the deli. Match it.”

Tom Schiller: It started growing like a molecular explosion. All areas. Herb Sargent was a teacher. And in the early days, he left a script out which gave the format of all the things, where there’s a character name, and then the dialogue, and then the stage direction. ‘Cause none of us knew how to really do that.

Herb Sargent: I didn’t teach them anything. They learned as they went along. I’d frown at something, but that was about it.

Rosie Shuster: Lorne had an eye for talent. It was like, it’s a picnic, and someone will bring the potato salad, someone will bring the — he had a sense of variety. He understood there needed to be some form of balance.Anne Beatts: It was a little like being Wendy on the Island of lost boys, in a way.

Lorne Michaels: For me, it was an incredibly exciting time. I mean, I was probably fearful of actually going on the air, ’cause I’d never really done a live television show. And, as I’ve said endlessly, we don’t go on because it’s ready, we go on because it’s 11:30. And that tends to be very clarifying.

[ cut to Wolverines, 10/11/75 ]

Professor: Repeat after me.

[ European Immigrant in tight-mouthed concentration, nods ]

Professor: I would like…..

European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] I would like….

Professor: ….to feed your fingertips….

European Immigrant: [ in thick accent] ….to feed yur fingerteeps….

Professor: …to the wolverines.

European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] ….to de wolver-eenes.

Professor: Next, I am afraid….

European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] I em afred…

Professor: …we are out…

European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] …we are out…

Professor: …of badgers.

European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] …of badjurs.

Professor: Would you accept…

European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] Would you accept…

Professor: …a wolverine…

European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] …a wolver-eene…

Professor: …in it’s place?

European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] …een es place.

Professor: Next, “Hey,” Ned exclaimed…

European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] “Hey,” Ned asclaimed…

Professor: “let’s boil…

European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] “let’s boil…

Professor: …the wolverines.”

European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] …the wolver-eenes.”

Professor: Next…

[ The Professor suddenly gasps, clutches his chest, and falls off his chair to the floor, obviously stricken with a heart attack. The Immigrant looks puzzled for a moment, then repeats the Professor’s gasp, clutches his chest, and throws himself on the floor. ]

[ Stage Manager enters the scene, peers at the two lifeless figures and looks into the camera and smiles. ]

Stage Manager: Live from New York.. it’s Saturday Night!

[ dissolve to opening credits of the very first episode ]

Announcer: NBC’s “Saturday Night.”

Barbara Gallagher: You know that story about “Saturday Night Live.” About the title. The show was called “Saturday Night Live.” And then Howard Cosell was coming on with his Ed Sullivan show. So he got on before we did, and he called his show, “Saturday Night Live.” So we couldn’t use it. So it was, “Live from New York, it’s ‘Saturday Night’.”

[ opening montage of the first episode continues ]

Announcer: The Not For Ready Primetime Players!

Don Pardo: I think it’s the only time that I ever flubbed anything. Herb Sargent, the next day, he said, “You know what you said at the opening? You said, ‘Not For Ready’ instead of ‘Ready For’.” I says, “I did?” I didn’t even realize it.

Craig Kellem: The Monday after the show, we all met in Lorne’s office. Now, looking at the ratings, it wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t terrific. So it completely amazed me when he looked up, and he said, “I guess we’re a hit.” And I thought to myself, “What is he talking about?”

Neil Levy: All the reviews were bad. I mean, it was just like, “This show is sophomoric. It’s puerile.” And he put them up on the wall, constantly. There was a whole bulletin board filled with bad reviews. And he just scoffed at them.

Dick Ebersol: That was the season that NBC fell to third for the first time in its history. If it had been the typical fall season in 1975, I could see us not having made it.

Lorne Michaels: I knew that if I could do the shows that I would watch, or that I thought was good, that it would be successful. I never questioned that it would be a hit if I could actually get it on.

[ commercial break ]

Next: I’m Chevy Chase And You’re Not

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: 2004-2005


]]>

Starring:

Fred Armisen

Rachel Dratch

Tina Fey

Will Forte

Darrell Hammond

Seth Meyers

Chris Parnell

Amy Poehler

Maya Rudolph

Horatio Sanz

Featuring:

Finesse Mitchell

Rob Riggle

Jason Sudeikis (from 04r)

Kenan Thompson

Writers:

Doug Abeles

Leo Allen

James Anderson

Alex Baze

Liz Cackowski

Jim Downey

Tina Fey

Charlie Grandy

Steve Higgins

Joe Kelly

Erik Kenward

John Lutz

Lorne Michaels

Matt Murray

Paula Pell

Lauren Pomerantz

Frank Sebastiano

T. Sean Shannon

Eric Slovin

Robert Smigel

JB Smoove

Emily Spivey

Andrew Steele

Jason Sudeikis (to 04q)

Rich Talarico

Episodes

10/02/04: Ben Affleck / Nelly

10/09/04: Queen Latifah

10/23/04: Jude Law / Ashlee Simpson

10/30/04: Kate Winslet / Eminem

11/13/04: Liam Neeson / Modest Mouse

11/20/04: Luke Wilson / U2

12/11/04: Colin Farrell / Scissor Sisters

12/18/04: Robert De Niro / Destiny’s Child

01/15/05: Topher Grace / The Killers

01/22/05: Paul Giamatti / Ludacris featuring Sum-41

02/05/05: Paris Hilton / Keane

02/12/05: Jason Bateman / Kelly Clarkson

02/19/05: Hilary Swank / 50 Cent

03/05/05: David Spade / Jack Johnson

03/12/05: Ashton Kutcher / Gwen Stefani

04/09/05: Cameron Diaz / Green Day

04/16/05: Tom Brady / Beck

05/07/05: Johnny Knoxville / System of a Down

05/14/05: Will Ferrell / Queens of the Stone Age

05/21/05: Lindsay Lohan / Coldplay

Summary“Saturday Night Live” began its 30th season with only minimal changes from the previous season. Jimmy Fallon left the show after six seasons of mixed performances, enabling featured player Fred Armisen to be promoted as a full performer. Rob Riggle, a former U.S. Marine turned comedian, joined SNL as a featured player to keep the cast even. Fallon’s vacated seat at the Weekend Update desk left many fans biting their nails with wonder of who, if anyone, would take over his co-anchor position next to head writer Tina Fey. The task went to seasoned performer (and longtime Fey pal) Amy Poehler, in a move obviously penetrated to distract critics from the continued subpar writing efforts throughout SNL. While Fey-Poehler deliver more of the same hijinks previously seen on Weekend Update, even the most ardent fans begin to long for a more permanent turnover at the desk.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 20

04t: Lindsay Lohan / Coldplay

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler

…..Amy Poehler
…..Tina Fey
Chris Cox-Sanz…..Rachel Dratch
Danni Sanz-Cox…..Maya Rudolph
Rev. Al Sharpton…..Kenan Thompson
President Vicente Fox…..Fred Armisen

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “WeekendUpdate” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

[cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: Hi, I’m Amy Poehler

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories:

[pulls out a copy of the New York Post from underneath the deskwhile humming the first notes of “Old Time Rock ‘n’ Roll”] This week,the London Sun and the New York Post published photos ofSaddam Hussein in his underpants, and yes, I guess the imperial carpetdoes match the drapes.

Here’s the only other joke we have for this: Man, Antonio Sabato, Jr.has really let himself go!

Back to you, Amy.

Amy Poehler: Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice made a surprisetrip to Iraq Sunday. Also surprised to be in Iraq on Sunday: thousandsof U.S. troops who were supposed to be home by Christmas. [applause]

Tina Fey: Donald Trump’s elected Kendra Todd as his first female“Apprentice” during Thursday night’s season finale, although some feltthe “prize jobs” offered to her were a little bit sexist. Todd had thechoice of working at the Miss Universe pageant, redecorating Trump’sPalm Beach mansion, or being head of marketing for his new, Super JumboTrumpons. [applause; Tina imitates The Donald] They’re huge… the hugesttampons in the world! They’re huge.

Amy Poehler: Mary Kay Letourneau and her former student, ViliFualaau, were married Thursday night. According to witnesses, she woreVera Wang, while he wore Spider-Man. [applause]

Tina Fey: This week marks the one-year anniversary of legalizedgay marriage in the state of Massachusetts. Over a thousand same-sexcouples were married there in the past year. Here to talk about theirfirst year as a legally-married couple are Mr. Chris Cox-Sanz and Mr.Danni Sanz-Cox.

[pan to Chris and Danny, who are both female; applause]

Chris Cox-Sanz: Thanks. Thanks for having us, Tina and Amy. Please call us “Mrs.” and “Mrs.”

Tina Fey: Oh, ladies, my sincere apologies, I- I- I’m sorry. I-I had mistakenly thought that you were a male couple because I had onlyseen your names… and a photograph of you.

Chris Cox-Sanz: No sweat, happens all the time.

Tina Fey: So how has your first year of marriage been?

Chris Cox-Sanz: Oh, it’s been everything we dreamed of, Tina. Last May we had a beautiful ceremony with fifty of our closest familyand friends, and five of our closest cats and pit bulls.

Danni Sanz-Cox: Mmm. It was a beautiful day.

Chris Cox-Sanz: Mmm. Danni and I wore matching Donna Karen blazers.

Danni Sanz-Cox: Right. [Their wedding photo is shown, and theyappear like two men]

Amy Poehler: Tina, is- is that the picture that threw you?

Tina Fey: Yes.

Amy Poehler: Yeah, understandable.

Tina Fey: Yeah.

Chris Cox-Sanz: We finally feel like we’re part of society, Tina, like we’re a regular, married couple.

Danni Sanz-Cox: Yeah. Just the other night, I was saying“Dammit, Chris where’d you put the checkbook?” and Chris was, like, “Idon’t know. Why don’t you look under that big-ass pile of Oprahmagazines you need to keep so frickin’ badly.” And then I pretended tobe asleep so we didn’t have to have sex. [they smile at each other]

Amy Poehler: Sounds like a real marriage.

Tina Fey: Yeah, that’s a real marriage.

Amy Poehler: Yeah.

Tina Fey: So what do you guys say to conservative groups likeFocus on the Family, who claim that marriage is only for men and women?

Chris Cox-Sanz: Well, no doubt, Tina, the heterosexual communityhas perfected marriage.

Danni Sanz-Cox: Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley.

Chris Cox-Sanz: Maureen and Bill O’ Reilly.

Danni Sanz-Cox: Bill and Hilary Clinton.

Chris Cox-Sanz: Yeah. Obviously, that was more of what God hadin mind.

Danni Sanz-Cox: Yeah.

Chris Cox-Sanz: But we’re just grateful for the chance to try. Happy anniversary, babe. [kisses Danni on the cheek]

Danni Sanz-Cox: Thanks… Did you brush your teeth after dinner?

Chris Cox-Sanz: Yes!

Danni Sanz-Cox: Well, your breath smells like baba ghanoush.

Chris Cox-Sanz: Well, thanks for saying it on TV!

Danni Sanz-Cox: Well, I’d want you to tell me!

Chris Cox-Sanz: Fine. You need to clip your nose hairs.

Tina Fey: Oh boy. Genuine married couple Chris and DanniCox-Sanz-Cox, everybody! [applause]

Amy Poehler: A large number of Star Wars fans in New Yorkposted messages on Craiglist, looking for dates to the movie’s openingnight. Said one dateless Star Wars fan, [imitating Yoda] “Pickyou up at eight, my mother will?” [frowns] That’s my Yoda impression.

Tina Fey: To show that his energy bill is about more thandrilling for oil in Alaska, this week President Bush visited a plant inVirginia that turns soybeans into a clean-burning diesel fuel, which the President hopes one day will be used to power oil-drilling machines in Alaska. [applause]

Chase Bank on Thursday announced plans to launch a new credit card thatusers can simply hold near a terminal instead of manually swiping it, in order to vastly increase the speed at which their identity is stolen.

Amy Poehler: The principal of an elementary school in New Mexicokissed a frog as part of a promise she made to her students if they mettheir reading goal. But then she let the frog get to second base, which was not cool.

Tina Fey: Oscar win– Oscar winner Jamie Foxx will tape a musical special for NBC next season. People who’ve seen the special said, “O-oh!”—

Amy Poehler: “O-oh!” [to the tune of Ray Charles’ “What’d I Say”]

Tina Fey: “O-oh!”

Amy Poehler: “O-oh!”

Tina Fey: “Uhh.”

Amy Poehler: “Uhh.”

Tina Fey: “Uhnn.”

Amy Poehler: “No.”

Tina Fey: “Ugh.”

Amy Poehler: “Ugh.” [both shake their heads in disgust; applause]

Tina Fey: Six Flags Amusement Park has added a disclaimer to itstickets, saying that it will refuse entry to convicted sex offenders. Which is great, but who’s gonna operate the rides?? [some applause]

Amy Poehler: A new book, called The Case of the FemaleOrgasm, argues that the female orgasm has no evolutionary function. Regardless, the book is a real departure for the Hardy Boys. [pictureof the book’s fake cover, featuring the Hardy Boys examining evidence]They’re looking for it…

A number of video game makers are hoping that the same large audiencethat enjoys Christian pop music will also like Christian-themed videogames, such as Spiritual Warfare, Exodus: Journey to the Promised Land,and Super Jesuit Brothers.

Tina Fey: An English man’s leg was saved after his Jack Russellterrier started licking it, which helped to prevent the leg frombecoming gangrenous. Afterwards, the dog went back to trying to savehis own balls. [cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: A deer that got caught in a Wal-Mart in,uh—[stumbles, then restarts the joke] A deer that wandered into aWal-Mart in Norfolk, Nebraska, was tackled by a customer and then pushed back outside. City officials aren’t sure if the deer wandered in, or whether the Wal-Mart was built around it. [little reaction fromaudience; Amy clearly appears annoyed at her poor delivery] Aww, thatwas my last joke!

Tina Fey: You’ll think about that joke all summer.

Amy Poehler: I know!

Tina Fey: This week, Al Sharpton announced he would be travelingto Mexico to seek a formal apology from Mexican President Vicente Foxfor saying Mexicans take jobs that “not even blacks would do.” Now, weat “Weekend Update” simply do not have the patience to wait for thatmeeting, so we have brought both parties together tonight to resolve the issue. Please welcome Vicente Fox and Al Sharpton.

[pan to President Fox and Rev. Sharpton; applause]

Rev. Al Sharpton: Tina, I am outraged. To suggest that blackpeople in this country are only fit for the lowest pay and mostdemeaning work is an insult. Mr. Fox has still not apologized for thisunequivocal insult, and I will not let this issue go away until he does.

President Vicente Fox: I can assure you, Mr. Sharpton, my choiceof words was unfortunate. I was in no way wishing to cause insult toyou, or to the blacks of America. I have the highest regard forblacks, and for what I have said I am very, very sorry.

Rev. Al Sharpton: Apology accepted. [the two men shake hands]

President Vicente Fox: I have never for one minute thought thatthe difference between a black guy and a pizza, is that a pizza can feed a family of four. This offends me!

Rev. Al Sharpton: [stares at the President for a moment] Again, I accept your apology, and I feel that this matter is resolved.

President Vicente Fox: I, too, feel the matter is resolved. I am not a racist.

Rev. Al Sharpton: And I am glad to hear you say that. I mustsay, not being a racist myself, I have never believed a Mexican and acue ball are the same, just because the harder you hit them, the moreEnglish they pick up. [some applause]

President Vicente Fox: Then we are simpático.

Rev. Al Sharpton: I am very glad to hear you say that, and foryour apology, I applaud your courage. And as a sign of my appreciation, I brought you some luggage. [places two paper bags on the desk]

President Vicente Fox: Luggage for me, yes.

Tina Fey: Come on, now, both of you, just stop it, OK? Stop it. Can’t we all just get along, please?

Amy Poehler: Yeah… Oh, I got one!

A black guy and a Mexican guy are in a car. Who’s driving?

Tina Fey: I don’t know. [both President Fox and Rev. Sharptonshake their heads, puzzled]

Amy Poehler: A cop! [applause; all four share a hearty laugh]

Tina Fey: Oh, wonderful!

President Vicente Fox: You know, my old friend—[puts his hand onRev. Sharpton’s shoulder] if we cannot laugh at ourselves, then who canwe laugh at?

Rev. Al Sharpton: [brief pause] The Chinese? [the two laugh onceagain]

Tina Fey: President Fox and Al Sharpton, everyone! [cheers andapplause]

Amy Poehler: For “Weekend Update,” I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[more applause as Tina and Amy hug; fade]

Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 20

04t: Lindsay Lohan / Coldplay

The Babysitter

Cindy…..Lindsay Lohan
Mr. Voinic…..Chris Parnell
Franny Voinic…..Maya Rudolph

[open on interior of car, with Mr. Voinic driving and babysitter in the passenger seat]

Cindy: You know, you really don’t need to drive me home, Mr. Voinic.

Mr. Voinic: [with very slight tipsiness] Nonsense, Cindy. It’s very late.

Cindy: Well, I walk home from the Wilsons all the time.

Mr. Voinic: Well, Art Wilson is a dirty son of a bitch. I’m sorry. It’s been a long night. I’ve had a few. I’m good to drive, but I’m drunk. [Cindy’s eyes widen slightly and she glances at him] Just kidding. No, I’m not. How were the kids?

Cindy: They were okay. Lucas didn’t want to go to bed, and kept waking the girls up.

Mr. Voinic: Hmmm, that sounds like Lucas. Those kids really like you. They hate their mother.

Cindy: Did you guys have fun tonight?

Mr. Voinic: Who, me and Franny? Ugh, we never have fun. It was our annivarsary dinner. I would much rather have been out at a rave. That would have been crunk.

Cindy: Crunk?

Mr. Voinic: Boy, I am stressed. So, you’re a senior now?

Cindy: [scoffs] Don’t I wish? I’m just a junior.

Mr. Voinic: Really? I was sure you were a senior. Just a junior, huh? How about that? How about that? That’s something.

Cindy: Yeah, I guess. I mean, next year, I’m be a senior. And then: goodbye, Saddlebrook, hello, cruise ship. That’s what I want to do–work on a cruise ship. But my parents think it’s stupid.

Mr. Voinic: A cruise ship?! That’s a very smart idea. I never knew that about you. You are a fascinating, wonderful, sexy person. I think your parents are stupid.

Cindy: Me and my girlfriends are going to get a job on cruise ships and save up money and then start our own magazine.

Mr. Voinic: And you’ll do it. You’ll start the magazine and voila! Would you like a Dubonnet? I’m having a Dubonnet.

Cindy: A what?

Mr. Voinic: A Dubonnet. It’s a dark red wine with a slight quinine taste, and I happen to have a bottle here under my seat.

Cindy: You know, you can’t drink and drive. [laughs nervously]

Mr. Voinic: [chuckles and produces the bottle] Cindy, you’ll find as you get older, certain laws are meant to be taken seriously and others are not. I’ve never felt the drinking and driving law made much sense. [proffers the bottle to Cindy]

Cindy: Oh, I’ll pass.

Mr. Voinic: [pulling it back] That’s the way to play it. You and me are a lot alike. A lot. A very lot.

[Cindy turns away from Mr. Voinic and puts on her seat belt, but continues to face away in mild mortification]

Mr. Voinic: [singing] I walk a lonely road, / The only road that I have ever know. / Don’t know where it goes, / but I walk that road all alone. [speaking] Sure do love that song. Coldplay.

Cindy: Green Day.

Mr. Voinic: Of course. What did I say? Coldplay? Ridiculous. I know Coldplay. [sings] Your body is a wonderland…

Cindy: [with some relief] Hey, look, there’s my house. Driveway.

Mr. Voinic: Ah, so it is. Hey, do you want to sit and talk?

Cindy: About what?

Mr. Voinic: Oh, I just really love to hear you talk about anything. I think you’re the smartest person I know.

Cindy: Your wife’s a surgeon.

Mr. Voinic: Franny is an idiot compared to you. You make her look like a real dum-dum.

Cindy: I should go inside.

Mr. Voinic: I guess you should know, I’m thinking about leaving Franny. I don’t know if that changes things.

Cindy: No, I still gotta go inside. I’ll catch you later, Mr. Voinic.

Mr. Voinic: Okay, well, oh, let me get the door for you! [reaches across her to the opposite door]

Cindy: Oh, no, I can get it. It’s right here.

Mr. Voinic: Okay, well, um, let’s have a goodbye hug [slides his right arm behind her neck], okay, uh…

Cindy: [perturbed] What?

Mr. Voinic: So, uh, goodbye, uh, good work tonight. Good work. Good stuff.

Cindy: [grits teeth nervously] Yeah…

[Franny suddenly sits up in the back seat]

Mr. Voinic: Aaah! Franny! [springs back]

Cindy: Oh, God!

Franny: [accusatorily, to her husband] Having fun?!

Mr. Voinic: I’m giving her a goodbye hug.

Cindy: [quickly unbuckles her seat belt and opens the car door] See ya! [waves over her shoulder as she slips out of the car]

Mr. Voinic: It’s very innocent! Uh…Dubonnet?

Franny: Ugh, get that out of my face. I’m driving.

Mr. Voinic: Okay.

[they both exit from the stage right side of the car]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 20

04t: Lindsay Lohan / Coldplay

Coldplay performs “Fix You”

…..Lindsay Lohan
…..Coldplay

Lindsay Lohan: Once again – Coldplay!

Coldplay:
“When you try your best but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse.

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
What could be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

Well, high up above or down below
You were too in love to let it go
But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you were.

Oh, lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
The tears stream down your face
The tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
When the tears stream down your face
And I.”

[ the audience cheers ]

Chris Martin: Thanks, everybody!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 20


Song appears
on the album:

04t: Lindsay Lohan / Coldplay

Coldplay performs “Speed of Sound”

…..Lindsay Lohan
…..Coldplay

Lindsay Lohan: Ladies and gentlemen – it’s Coldplay!

Coldplay:
“How long before I get in
Before it starts, before I begin
How long before you decide
Or before I know what it feels like
Where to?
Where do I go?
If you’ve never tried then you’ll never know
How long do I have to climb
Up on the side of this mountain of mine.

Look up, I look up at night
Planets are moving at the speed of light
Climb up, up in the trees
Every chance that you get
Is a chance you seize
How long am I gonna stand
With my head stuck under the sand
I start before I can stop
Or before I see things the right way up.

All that noise, and all that sound
All those places I have found
And birds go flying at the speed of sound
To show you how it all began
Birds came flying from the underground
If you could see it then you’d understand.

Ideas that you’ll never find
Or the inventors could never design
All of the buildings that you put up
Japan and China all lit up
The sign that I couldn’t read
Or the light that I couldn’t see
Some things you have to believe
But others are puzzles, puzzling me.

All that noise, and all that sound
All those places that I’ve found
And birds go flying at the speed of sound
To show you how it all began
Birds came flying from the underground
If you could see it then you’d understand
Oh, when you see it then you’ll understand.”

[ lead singer Chris Martin rises from the piano and stands before the audience to finish the song ]

Coldplay:
All those signs I knew what they meant
Some things you can’t invent
Some get made, and some get sent
Ooh-ooh
Birds go flying at the speed of sound
To show you how it all began
Birds came flying from the underground
If you could see it then you’d understand
Oh, when you see it then you’ll understand.”

[ the audience erupts into applause ]

Chris Martin: Thank you very, very much. Thank you.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 20

04t: Lindsay Lohan / Coldplay

Lindsay Lohan’s Monologue

…..Lindsay Lohan
The Ghost Of Lindsay Future…..Amy Poehler

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Lindsay Lohan!

Lindsay Lohan: Thank you. Thank you so much. I’m so excited to be back. This is my second time hosting “SNL.” But my first time hosting as a blonde. And I have to say, it is a little bit more fun. It’s been kind of a crazy year. If you read the tabloids, they say I’m too skinny, I’m at clubs every night, I’m dating everyone from Bruce Willis to Jake Gyllenhaal.

[ suddenly, the haggardly Ghost of Lindsay Future swoops down over the teen starlet ]

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: Lindsay! [ In spooky voice ] Li-i-i-indsay! Lindsay, your life is moving too fast. You gotta slow it down.

Lindsay Lohan: Um, who are you?

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: I’m you. I’ve come back from the future to tell you, you got to cool it with the partyin’. ‘Cause I’m totally beat.

Lindsay Lohan: Whoa, wait a second. You’re me in the future?

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: Did I stutter, bitch?

Lindsay Lohan: Okay, I guess that does kind of sound like me. And you do have my natural hair color. But I have a question — why am I so short in the future?

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: Because our bones turned to dust. Because you drank nothing but Red Bull.

Lindsay Lohan: Everyone drinks Red Bull.

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: No, not any more. In the future, we use it to power cars!

Lindsay Lohan: That’s pretty awesome.

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: Yeah, it is awesome.

Lindsay Lohan: So what else happens? What movies do I make in the future?

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: Let me see we did “Herbie Fully Loaded”, “Mean Girls 2” — that was a suck bomb.. “National Lampoon’s Jamaican Vacation”, we did, like, eight Lifetime movies, and now we host a Cinemax show called “Night Passions”.

Lindsay Lohan: Wait a minute. That sounds a little shady. Wait, are we doing porn?

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: No! We’re introducing porn. It’s totally different. You know, somebody’s gotta pay the bills, ever since Tommy got his hip replacement.

Lindsay Lohan: Who?

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: Oh, yeah. You’re married to Tommy Lee, genius.

Lindsay Lohan: what? Did I even meet him, and where?

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: At Oscar’s.

Lindsay Lohan: I get to go to the Oscars?

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: Not the Oscars. Oscar’s, a strip club in Glendale. And do me a favor, sometime in the near future, when you’re out partying with Nicole Richie, do not get this tattoo.

[ the Ghost of Lindsay Future pulls her shirt down slightly to reveal “I Love Bo Bice” tattooed on one breast and an image of Bo tattooed on the other breast ]

Lindsay Lohan: Well, I do love me some Bo Bice.

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: Okay, I know, I know. All I’m saying is get some sleep, drink some water. Unless you want this to be your future, you better take it down a notch. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Lindsay Lohan: Wait, wait, wait. Let me ask you this: Am I happy 30 years from now?

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: I don’t know. I’m from 2007.

Lindsay Lohan: Oh, holy crap! I gotta take better care of myself, don’t I? All right, let’s hurry up and get the show started so I can go to bed. We’ve got a great show tonight. Coldplay is here. [ Cheers and applause ] so stick around, and we’ll be right back, people!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 20

04t: Lindsay Lohan / Coldplay

America’s Next Top Model

Tyra Banks…..Maya Rudolph
Janice Dickinson…..Tina Fey
Kaiceey…..Lindsay Lohan
Kahlua…..Rachel Dratch
Amber…..Amy Poehler
Nole Marin…..Horatio Sanz
Thurkiel Epps…..Finesse Mitchell
Britney Spears…..Amy Poehler
Kevin Federline…..Seth Meyers

(“America’s Next Top Model” opening sequence appears, reads “Who Has What It Takes to Become America’s Next Top Model”, bouncy music plays)

Narrator: Now we return to America’s Next Top Model.

(Tyra Banks appears)

Tyra Banks: Welcome, ladies. (Overdramatically) It’s time to make our final cut, determining who will become…America’s…Next…Top…(Whispers)..Model. Kaiccey, Kahlua, Amber, you’ve worked hard and you should be VERY proud of the (Makes wild hand motions) “whoop-de-whoo” energy and the “hi-hi-hi” you’re achieved. I think you know our judges. Nole Marin, top stylist, Thurkiel Epps, top movement coach, and the oldest living suprmodel, Janice Dickinson. (Janice appears, hunched over on judging table)

Janice Dickinson: (Scoffs) You’re all trash!

Tyra Banks: How are you all feeling?

Kaiccey: (Steps forward) Um, I’m feeling really grateful…and excited. I mean, I’ve learned so much. I used to think I was pretty, but you guys have taught me actually, I have weird eyes and fat legs…thank you. (Steps back awkwardly)

Kahlua: I can’t believe I got this far. Everyone said there’d never be a top model with a mohawk (Points to her own mohawk), and I’m gonna prove them all wrong.

Amber: These two Chewbaccas can leave right now, ’cause I know I’m gonna win. I look great, I’m mad photogenic, I got one leg…(Applause) and I just ate a whole can of sardines! So let’s do this. Ooo-ooh!

Tyra Banks: Let’s take a look at your pictures. Kaiceey, this is your best shot.

(Photo appears on TV screen that shows a petrified Kaiceey)

Nole Marin: That photo of you is flawless.

Thurkiel Epps: And you looked really scared, which was very hot. (Puts finger on tongue) Tss!

Kaiceey: I guess, um, you know, I’m just not very comfortable with being sexy?

Janice Dickinson: (Scoffs) Please, sex is a part of this business, OK, I had to sleep with Meatloaf, and that was just to get a ride here today! (Scoffs)

Tyra Banks: Kaiceey, good job. You really showed your “Hey, girl!” and your “What-what?” Kahlua, this is your best shot.

(Photo appears on TV screen that shows Kahlua pointing to and showing off her odd mohawk)

Tyra Banks: Kahlua, I feel like you’re relying too much on your hair, (Points at her own odd hairdo which is basically a big red wig, while panel of judges nod) and this show is NOT called “America’s Next Top Hair Model”! That’s my other show, and it’s on right after this. (Points down, “Coming Up Next” bar appears and says “America’s Next Top Hair Model”) Amber, it was very hard for us to find a good picture of you.

Amber: (Pauses) I bet it was hard.

Tyra Banks: But we did our best…

Amber: That’s what she said!

Tyra Banks: (Looks at Amber oddly) You’re not using that right.

Amber: That’s what she said!

Tyra Banks: Better. (Nods in approval) Let’s take a look.

(Photo appears on TV screen showing Amber in a wild position, sticking her tongue out, revealing her “lady parts”, which are quickly pixilated by the editing squad)

Nole Marin: Amber, in some ways, I think you want this more than anyone.

Amber: OK, here’s why I’m the bomb. I’m super-fine, I’m round-the-clock horny, I’m rocking one leg…and I got a case of Irritable Bowel Syndrome…That’s IBS for short, so take a walk, bitches, ’cause I can’t! (Wild cheers)

Tyra Banks: A top model needs to be able to move…with ENERGY (Flails arms around), so tonight, your final challenge is a pose-off. We’re gonna play some music for you to move to, and when the music stops, you pose.

Janice Dickinson: And don’t screw it up! OK, modeling is not hard, NOT modeling is hard.

Tyra Banks: (Yells) Music!

(Bouncy music begins to play, Kaiceey dances very timidly and scared, Kahlua dances by basically pointing to her mohawk in different ways, and Amber does wild thrusts with her body)

Tyra Banks: And…pose.

(Girls freeze until Amber loses her balance and falls right on the floor, but soon jumps right back, as if she was proud of falling)

Kaiceey: I’m sorry, I’ll do better.

Amber: Yeah, I fell! How you like me now? Uhh!!

Tyra Banks: (Points up) Music!

(Music continues and girls continue dancing the same way)

Tyra Banks: And pose!

(Girls freeze until Amber loses her balance again and falls)

Amber: (As she falls) Here we go. (Gets up) Whoo, uhh! I meant to do that! Ahh! (Throws peace signs)

Tyra Banks: Our judges….will reveal…their decision….after this.

(Commercial for “Britney and Kevin: Chaotic” appears)

Britney Spears: Next week on “Britney and Kevin: Chaotic”…(Cuts to Britney looking at herself in the camera, pointing her nose to look like a pig’s) Oh my god, look at my nose!

Kevin Federline: Aww, hell naw.

Britney Spears: Look at my nose! It looks so funny like that.

Kevin Federline: Hell naw.

Britney Spears: (Turns to Kevin) Will you marry me?

(Commences to a totally gross make-out, groaning loudly and licking each other’s faces, but soon the commercial is over and “America’s Next Top Model” returns)

Tyra Banks: Ladies, after a lot of “Wah-OK?” and (Snaps fingers with each “Mmm”) “Mmm-mm-mm-mm-mmm!”, we have a decision. America’s…Next….Top….Maw….del….is….

(Camera pans to each of the girls’ faces, all extremely emotional, except for Amber, who throws a peace sign)

Tyra: Kaiceey.

(Kaiceey bursts into tears while Kahlua hugs her, then leaves the room, pointing at her mohawk)

Kaiceey: Oh, god. I’m so happy. I guess I’ll just, I’ll dro…drop out of law school. Thank you?

Amber: (Yelps in disgust) Fine! This show’s stupid anyway. I’m gonna go on “Clean Sweep”….’cause my apartment’s filled with trash! (Holds hands to her mouth and lets out loud yell) You all can suck it when I get a free Swiffer! (Jumps and farts) Yeah, I farted…jealous?

Tyra Banks: (Looks at Amber in disgust) No…I’m not.

Amber: That’s what she said!

Tyra Banks: How many times do I have to tell you, that’s not how that works!

Amber: That’s what she said!

Tyra Banks: Got me again…

Amber; See you later, suckers. (Keeps on jumping and farting until she falls…again) (As she falls) Oh, here we go.

(“America’s Next Top Model” graphics appear)

Submitted by: Rachel Lee

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 20

04t: Lindsay Lohan / Coldplay

Little Italy

Mafia Boss….Horatio Sanz
Mafia Mistress….Lindsay Lohan
Poker Wiseguy….Rob Riggle
Silent Wiseguy….Will Forte
Couch Wiseguy….Jason Sudeikis
Cappuccino Wiseguy….Fred Armisen
Watching TV Wiseguy….Chris Parnell
Mafia Mama….Rachel Dratch
Mafia Papa….Darrell Hammond

[Opens with a shot of a nightclub]

Caption: Little Italy, New York

[Cut to inside the club. A bunch of Italian mafia wiseguys hanging out in their social club. The Mafia Boss plays poker in a table. The others mingle around, one is by the cappuccino machine, another watches TV, another sits on a couch. Italian music plays.]

Mafia Boss: ….so I says to him: “That’s why Italians put plastic on the furniture, its easier to clean after you whack somebody” Owww!!

[Wiseguys laugh]

Poker Wiseguy: Hey, boss. How’s your girlfriend, huh? Is she still giving you trouble?

Mafia Boss: Oww, I think I have a control of my goomar situation. I told her: “Hey, I’m going to my son’s birthday party”.

[A trashy looking woman enters the club mad as hell]

Mafia Mistress: Your son’s birthday, huh?!! [slams the door shut]

Mafia Boss: What are you doing here?

Mafia Mistress: Tonight was our anniversary of the first time you cheated on your wife!!

Mafia Boss: Baby, calm down. Ow, I had to take care of business.

Mafia Mistress: Business?!! Like what, huh?! Play poker with your stupid friends?!! I’ll give you poker!!

[Mafia Mistress grabs the whole stack of chips and crashes it onto the Wiseguy playing poker’s head]

[crash!]

All in the club: WHOOOOAH!!!

Mafia Boss: Baby, please!

Mafia Mistress: Don’t baby me!! I gotta hear all over town that you’re out grocery shopping and running errands with that whore!!!

[Mafia Mistress walks over to a wiseguy watching TV and having a drink. She grabs the TV and smashes it on the floor]

[crash!]

Watching TV Wiseguy: Great. I was watching that.

[Then she smashes his drink on the floor]

[glass shatters]

Watching TV Wiseguy: Great. I was drinking that.

Mafia Boss: She’s the mother of my children!

Mafia Mistress: Oh! Mother of your children?!! So, what am I?!! Some cheap bimbo?!!

[Mafia Mistress grabs a trophy and throws it into a glass table smashing it to pieces]

[glass shatters]

All in the club: WHOOOOAH!!!

Mafia Boss: We had to beat 400 families to win that thing! What’s the matta’ with ya’?!

Mafia Mistress: Oh, I’ll tell you what’s the matter with me!

[Mafia Mistress goes over to a cappuccino machine]

Cappuccino Wiseguy: Oh, sweetie, let me get a cappuccino first. [She grabs the cappuccino machine and throws it out the glass window] No! No! For what?!!

[glass shatters, car alarm goes off]

All in the club: WHOOOA!!!

Watching TV wiseguy: Got your car, boss.

Mafia Boss: Yeah. [turns off the alarm with a beep]

[The Mafia Boss’s parents appear on the shattered window speaking angry Italian]

Mafia Mama: Hey! Hey! [Italian words]

Mafia Papa: Ow!

Mafia Boss: I’m sorry. We’re just having a little friendly argument.

Mafia Mama: OK. [leaves]

Mafia Papa: OK. Take care. [leaves]

Mafia Mistress: Look, I want you to treat me with respect, OK?! Just because you pay my rent in exchange for sex that doesn’t mean that I’m your whore!! [Mafia Mistress goes over to a big clock by the door] Somebody give me a hand with this!

[Poker Wiseguy gets up and goes over to help her]

Poker Wiseguy: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m on it, I’m on it. Which way I’m going? My way? Your way? Yeah, yeah, yeah…

Mafia Mistress: Go!

[They both push the big clock down and it crashes into the floor]

[crash!]

All in the club: WHOOOA!!!

Mafia Boss: Ow, stunatz! What are you doing helping her?

Poker Wiseguy: Hey, sorry boss.

Mafia Boss: My grandmother gave me that grandfather’s clock! It belonged to her grandfather!

Mafia Mistress: I don’t care about your stupid traditions!!

[She goes and steps up in the couch and grabs a picture on the wall of baseball star Joe DiMaggio]

Mafia Boss: Baby, not DiMaggio!!

[She throws it to the floor. Crash!]

All in the club: WHOOOA!!!

[She grabs a photo of actor Robert DeNiro]

Mafia Boss: Not Bobby DeNiro!!

[She throws it to the floor. Crash!]

All in the club: WHOOOA!!!

[She grabs a photo of baseball player Jason Giambi]

Mafia Boss: Not Jason Giam— oh, yeah you can smash that one.

[She throws it to the floor. Crash!]

All in the club: WHOOOA!!!

[She grabs a picture of singer/actor Frank Sinatra and every wiseguy takes out his gun and points it at her, guns cocking]

Mafia Boss: Baby, I beg of you…do not smash that picture. I’ll do whatever you want.

Mafia Mistress: Dinner?

Mafia Boss: Sure.

Mafia Mistress: Dancing?

Mafia Boss: Why not?

Mafia Mistress: In public?

Mafia Boss: You got it. Come down here.

[She comes down and hugs the Mafia Boss, all guns are put away]

Mafia Boss: All right. Let’s go.

[Mafia Mistress turns over a table before leaving with the Mafia Boss]

Cappuccino Wiseguy: I got to say, they are getting along better these days, huh?

Poker Wiseguy: Absolutely.

[Wiseguys agree]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts