Don Roy King - Director of Saturday Night Live

Court Show

Judge Connie Schaumberg… Cecily Strong

Police… Chris Redd

Bandit… David Harbour

Mary Schmidt… Kate McKinnon

Alex Moffat

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Dog Court’s intro]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Did another dog run off with your dog’s ball? Did another dog wiz on your dog’s head? Is a dog pushing it’s political beliefs onto your dog? Don’t take justice into your own hands. Take them to dog court with me. Judge Connie Schaumberg.

Police: All rise. Welcome the honorable Judge Connie of the 110th and Amsterdam dog court.

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Okay everyone, sit. Ah, sit. We got a lot on the docket today. Ah. You brought Miss Jesse to work?

Police: Yeah. Sorry, judge. It’s take your daughter to work day.

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Oh no, it’s not. It’s in April, but you know what? That’s still cute. All right, first case.

[Cut to a man and a woman walks in with their dogs]

Police: This case number 328, Mary Schmidt vs. Bandit.

Judge Connie Schaumberg: State your case.

Bandit: All right, look. It’s very simple, your honor. All right? In my opinion, this woman and her dog, they are insane.

[Cut to Mary Schmidt]

Mary Schmidt: No, Schitles and I are as sound as bells. His dog is however is a sociopath who will do anything for a cheap laugh. Look at the eyes, its totally dead.

[Cut to the judge]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Just tell me what happened.

[Cut to Mary Schmidt]

Mary Schmidt: Simply put, I offered his dog my hand to sniff as is customary and his dog started jumping up on my body, biting both paws against my neck and pulling down my v-neck t-shirt revealing both of my bosoms.

[Cut to the dogs barking as the jury]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Order, order!

[Cut to the judge]

Courtroom, not a kennel!

[Cut to Bandit]

Bandit: Your honor, your honor, maybe you want to ask her why she came to the dog park with no bra.

[Cut to Mary Schmidt]

Mary Schmidt: I got one good bra and it was in the wash, your honor. You know hot it is.

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Yeah, I do know how that goes. Yeah. [Cut to the judge] What evidence do you have to support your case?

[Cut to Mary Schmidt]

Mary Schmidt: I have 20 eyewitnesses and I wore the t-shirt here.

[Cut to the judge]
Judge Connie Schaumberg: You put the lipstick back in the holster. All right, I’m ready to roll. I order you to switch dogs. See how the other half lives.

[Cut to Mary Schmidt and Bandit]

Mary Schmidt: What? Switch dogs.

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Do it!

[Cut to Mary Schmidt and Bandit switching dogs]

Mary Schmidt: There you go. All right. Good luck. Mine barks at poor people and only goes into a human toilet.

Bandit: And my dog has violent night tearers and screams like a human.

[Cut to the judge]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Okay. Well, let me tell you something. Whew. The dog court is a place for fun and tolerance. I should be so lucky to bring my dog—to the park, but I can’t because she’s crippled because I won’t let her walk. I don’t like – now – she rides around in a little football helmet. Okay? Think about that.

[Cut to Mary Schmidt and Bandit switching dogs]

Mary Schmidt: Wow! You’re right, your honor.

Bandit: I’m sorry, your honor.

[Cut to the judge]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Sketch artist, did you get everything? Okay. Looks not like me, but, yeah, you’re a dog.

[Cut to the break video]

Announcer: Coming up on the next dog court –

[Cut to the judge]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Okay, tell me what’s what. Make it snappy.

[Cut to Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: Okay. Your honor, her dog is too big to be in the little dog park area.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]
Melissa Villaseñor: You don’t even have a dog. You’re a lookie-loo and everyone knows it.

[Cut to the judge]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Is that true sir? Get off it. Walking in the park seeing other people’s dogs?

[Cut to Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: Is that a crime?

[Cut to the judge]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: No, it’s up to the jury. The verdict, please?

[Cut to the dogs as jury passing the verdict envelope]

[Cut to the judge receiving and opening the envelope]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Ooh, Yep, I knew it. Sorry to say the jury has sentenced you to death.

[Cut to Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: What?

[Cut to the judge]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Yeah, it seems extreme but this is dog court.

[Cut to Dog Court outro]

CNN Equality Town Hall Cold Open

Anderson Cooper… Alex Moffat

Billy Porter

Cory Booker… Chris Redd

Aidy Bryant

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Daniel… Kyle Mooney

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

Julian Castro… Lin-Manuel Miranda

Joe Biden… Woody Harrelson

Bowen Yang

[Starts with CNN Town Hall Equality America intro]

Announcer: One stage, no room. Last one standing gets the oh, so, illusive – a CNN Town Hall Equality America with Anderson Cooper.

[Cut to the stage of CNN Town Hall Equality America intro]

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Good evening. I’m Anderson Cooper. This Town Hall will discuss issues affecting our community. LGBTQ and girls to make pride about them. And since we’ll never do this again, we’re going to go all-out. So, to help us announce the candidates, it’s Billy Porter from “Pose”.

[Cut to Billy Porter]

[Cheers and applause]

Billy Porter: Hello! Hello. Yes. Hello, Anderson. Category is Vanderbilt Dynasty, news realness.

[Cut to Anderson Cooper and Billy Porter]

Anderson Cooper: Yes, god. Now Billy, please introduce our first candidate.

[Cut to Billy Porter]

Billy Porter: Okay. Yes, he may live in the projects, but ladies, he ain’t no project. It’s Cory Booker.

[Cory Booker walks in and stands next to Anderson Cooper]

[Cheers and applause]

Anderson Cooper: Thank you for being here senator Booker.

Cory Booker: My girlfriend was in ‘rent’ so yeah, I get it.

Anderson Cooper: First question.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Hi senator. My question is, have you always been supportive of the gay community?

[Cut to split screen. Cory Booker on left and Aidy Bryant on right]

Cory Booker: Absolutely, yes. I have nothing but respect since day one.

Aidy Bryant: But in 1992–

Cory Booker: Uh-oh.

Aidy Bryant: –you published an op-ed where you said some very derogatory things about the gay community.

Cory Booker: Now, I don’t want to think– I don’t want you to think I’m dodging the question. So I’m going to go now.

[Cut to Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Our next candidate is playing with a home field advantage.

[Cut to Billy Porter]

Billy Porter: Yes! Representing the house of Booty-gig, it’s mayor Pete!

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg walks in and stands next to Anderson Cooper]

[Cheers and applause]

Pete Buttigieg: Thank you, thank you very much. I went to Harvard, but they don’t teach you where to put your arms.

Anderson Cooper: Our next question comes from Daniel.

Daniel: Yeah. How do you respond to those who say you’re not gay in the right way?

[Cut to split screen. Pete Buttigieg at left and Daniel at right.]

Pete Buttigieg: You know, I’ve heard that. But there’s no wrong way to be gay. Unless you’re Ellen this week.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg and Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Any other questions?

Pete Buttigieg: And actually, Anderson, I have one . [Cut to Pete Buttigieg] Why am I not winning this? I’m a veteran, under the legal retirement age and when I talk it makes sense. Is something wrong with me.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg and Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: No- no. You’re great guy, just like, as a friend, not for president.

Pete Buttigieg: Oh, yeah. That makes sense. \
Anderson Cooper: Can I call you an Uber?

Pete Buttigieg: Oh no. I drove.

[Buttigieg leaves]

Anderson Cooper: Well, I hope you didn’t fill up on snacks, because now it’s time for the meat and potatoes.

[Cut to Billy Porter]

Billy Porter: Warrening – warrening— the sentator is here! She’s got a plan for the future! It’s Elizabeth Warren!

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren getting in to the stage]

Elizabeth Warren: Thank you, Billy. Thank you, Anderson. I am so excited to be here. I had some apples slices backstage and they’re hitting me like cocaine! You know, I am not a lesbian, but all the ingredients are there. Let’s go.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Anderson]

Anderson Cooper: Who would like to ask a question?

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: So, senator, let’s say you’ve been on the campaign trial.

[Cut to split screen. Elizabeth Warren at left and Beck Bennett at right]

Elizabeth Warren: Yeah, I have.

Beck Bennett: How would you respond if someone said to you, “I’m old-fashioned and my faith teaches me that marriage is between one man and one woman?”

Elizabeth Warren: Look, well, I’m going to assume it’s a guy asking.

[Cut to Billy Porter]

Billy Porter: Oh, snap! The library is open, and you about to get read!

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: I would say, sir, tell me your bus stop, because I want to know where you get off. What else? What else? If someone doesn’t want to serve gay people at their small business I bet that’s not the only thing that’s small. And when people say, gay and in France, people shouldn’t be included in civil rights protections. Well, I wish their parents had used protection.

[Music starts palying and Elizabeth Warren starts dancing]

[Elizabeth Warren opens her wig while dancing. She is bald.]

[Cut to Billy Porter]

Billy Porter: Yea, yea! Work it out, work it out! And now from the house of urban deliciousness, it’s Julian Castro.

[Cut to Julian Castro walks to the stage and stands beside Anderson Cooper]

[Cheers and applause]

Julian Castro: So happy to be here, and look, I even got a participation ribbon. Now, come on. Cut to the chase. When do the ‘Queer eyes’ guys come out? I want to go rock climbing with Karamo.

Anderson Cooper: This isn’t “Queer Eye” senator.

Julian Castro: Actually it’s secretary.

Anderson Cooper: I wouldn’t tell people that. Okay, next question.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: My question is if elected what will you do to bring queer voices to your cabinet?

[Cut to Julian Castro]

Julian Castro: Well, first of all, gracias. As a democrat, I want to apologize for not being gay, but I promise to do better in the future. However, I am Latino, which we can all agree is something. Look, I’m young. I’m diverse. I’m Latinobama. Let’s get the hashtag going #latinobama. Please.

[Cut to Julian Castro and Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: All right. Anything else you’d like to say?

[Cut to Julian Castro]

Julian Castro: You know there was once another man who left his mark on this nation’s history, but he never became president. Hoe how so?

[Cut to Julian Castro and Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Really?

Julian Castro: Come on!

Anderson Cooper: Thank you, secretary.

Julian Castro: Remember to vote for me for vice president. I mean president.

[Cut to Billy Porter]

Billy Porter: Yes, yes, yes! And now, the Delaware daddy who’s only vice is the Choo Choo Train! It’s vice president Biden, y’all!

[Cut to Joe Biden walks in and stands beside Anderson]

[Cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: Hi, Anderson. Good to see you. I am so excited to be here.

Anderson Cooper: [Pushing Joe Biden slightly away from himself] Too close, Mr. Vice President. Too close. How are you tonight?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: I’m glad we’re doing this. The vast majority of people in America are not homophobic. They’re just scared of gay people.

[Cut to Joe Biden and Anderson]

Anderson Cooper: That’s what homophobic means, Joe.

Joe Biden: Look, you know me. I believe we’re all equal, whether you’re gay, lesbie, transgender or queer, you’re okay with Joe.

Anderson Cooper: I’m going to give you a second to reset and go to an audience question.

[Cut to split screen. Joe Biden at left and Bowen Yang at right]

Bowen Yang: Hi, Mr. Vice President.

Joe Biden: Oh, look at you. If I told you, you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Bowen Yang: Sure. Mr. Vice President, how can you defend your past support of don’t ask, don’t tell?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: I’m glad you asked that question and let me answer by telling you a false memory. Now, the year was 19 [thinking] 26, and I was in Downtown Dover with my father. And we see two very well dressed men, very well dressed men. You know what I mean by well dressed? [Cut to Joe Biden and Anderson] Right? Anyway, who’s nervous about this story? Show of hands.

[Cut to everybody raising their hands]

[Cut to Joe Biden and Anderson]

Anderson Cooper: We’re all nervous, Joe.

Joe Biden: Then I’ll keep going, [Cut to Joe Biden] and these men turned the corner and kissed. And I turned to my daddy and said, “What the huh?” And he said, “Baby, they were born this way.” And that was Delaware 19 Clickity Clack.

[Cut to Joe Biden and Anderson]

Anderson Cooper: Okay, Joe. Thank you for being here.

Joe Biden: And thank you for everyone that played tonight but we all know I’m your guy. So in closing, [Joe Biden walks close to Anderson] ever been kissed by a VP before? [Joe Biden kisses Anderson]

Anderson Cooper: I think we’re done here. And –

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Camila Cabello Easy (Live)

David Harbour

Camila Cabello

[Starts with David Harbour as announcer on SNL stage]

David Harbour: Once again, Camila Cabello.

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Camila Cabello on stage standing solo]

[Music playing]

Camilo Cabello: Ha-ha-ha-ha

You tell me that I’m complicated
And that might be an understatement
Anything else? (Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha)
You tell me that I’m indecisive
Fickle, but I try to hide it
Anything else? (Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha)

You tell me that I overthink
‘Til I ruin a good thing
Anything else? (Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha)

You tell me that you’d rather fight
Than spend a single peaceful night
With somebody else (Ha-ha-ha-ha)

You really, really know me
The future and the old me
All of the mazes and the madness in my mind
You really, really love me
You know me and you love me
And it’s the kind of thing I always hoped I’d find (yeah)

Always thought I was hard to love
‘Til you made it seem so easy, seem so easy
Always thought I was hard to love
‘Til you made it seem so easy, seem so easy
Touch me ’til I find myself, in a feeling
Tell me with your hands that you’re never leaving

Always thought I was hard to love
‘Til you made it seem so easy (seem so easy)

I never liked my crooked teeth
You tell me they’re you’re favorite thing (mm-hmm)
Anything else? (Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha)
The stretch marks all around my thighs
Kiss ’em ’til I change my mind
About everything else (Ha-ha-ha-ha)

You really, really know me
The future and the old me
All of the mazes and the madness in my mind
You really, really love me
You know me and you love me (oh)
And it’s the kind of thing I always hoped I’d find

Always thought I was hard to love
‘Til you made it seem so easy, seem so easy (so easy, yeah)
Always thought I was hard to love (to love)
‘Til you made it seem so easy, seem so easy (so easy, yeah)
Touch me ’til I find myself, in a feeling (oh)
Tell me with your hands that you’re never leaving (never)
Always thought I was hard to love (to love)
‘Til you made it seem so easy, seem so easy (oh)

All I know is you, heal me when I’m broken
Heal me when I’m broken, oh
All I know is you, saved me and you know it
Saved me and you know it

Always thought I was hard to love
‘Til you made it seem so easy, seem so easy (ah)
I always thought I was hard to love
‘Til you made it seem so easy, seem so easy (’til you made it, ’til you made it)
Touch me ’til I find myself, in a feeling (a feeling)
Tell me with your hands that you’re never leaving
Always thought I was hard to love
‘Til you made it seem so easy, seem so easy

Camila Cabello Cry for Me (Live)

David Harbour

Camila Cabello

[Starts with David Harbour as announcer on SNL stage]

David Harbour: Ladies and gentlemen, Camila Cabello.

[Cheers and applause]

[Music playing]

[Cut to a stage with Camila Cabello and few other women sitting on a chair wearing traditional dresses.]

Camilo Cabello: Mmm, yeah

[A man walks and takes a seat next to a woman in front of Camilo Cabello]

Yeah, and you look so happy walking down the street
Don’t you, babe?

Did you forget, you said that in this lifetime you can never get over me?
Are you over me?

When I said I hope you’re happy, didn’t mean it
Never thought you’d be so good at moving on
When I’m lying wide awake, you’re probably sleeping
And maybe what I’m thinking is wrong

[Other women pulls the woman in front of Camilo Cabello away from the man. Camila stands on her chair and sings to the man.]

I want you to cry for me, cry for me
Say you’d d-d-die for me, die for me
And if you can’t, then maybe, lie for me, lie for me (huh)
‘Cause you haunt me when I’m dreamin’
And it’s time you know the feeling
So cry for me

See that pretty life in pictures (huh)
See her lips erasing me (ooh)
You’re so good to her, it’s vicious
Yeah, she should be thanking me

Who, who’s gonna touch you like me?
Yeah, tell me, who?
Who can make you forget about me?

When I said I hope you’re happy, didn’t mean it
Never thought you’d be so good at moving on (on, on)
When I’m lying wide awake, you’re probably sleeping (sleeping)
And maybe what I’m thinking is wrong

I want you to cry for me, cry for me
Say you’d d-d-die for me, die for me
And if you can’t, then maybe, lie for me, lie for me
‘Cause you haunt me when I’m dreamin’
And it’s time you know the feeling

So, baby, won’t you cry for me, cry for me? (Cry)
Say you’d d-d-die for me, die for me (oh, won’t you cry?)
And if you can’t, then maybe, lie for me, lie for me
‘Cause you haunt me when I’m dreamin’
And it’s time you know the feeling
Why won’t you cry?
Tears in my eyes, yeah
And you’re okay, you’re okay
How can you be okay?
No, why won’t you cry?

I want you to cry for me, cry for me (oh, yeah)
Say you’d d-d-die for me, die for me
And if you can’t, then maybe, lie for me, lie for me
‘Cause you haunt me when I’m dreamin’ (haunt me when I’m dreamin’)
And it’s time you know the feeling (and it’s time you know the feeling)
So, baby, won’t you cry for me, cry for me? (Cry out, yeah)
Say you’d d-d-die for me, die for me (cry out, yeah)
And if you can’t, then maybe, lie for me, lie for me
‘Cause you haunt me when I’m dreamin’
And it’s time you know the feeling (oh, baby)
So cry for me

Cry for me

[Music stops]

[Cheers and applause]

Weekend Update Trump Brushes Off Impeachment Concerns

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che. I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: As impeachment gains momentum, president Trump said he may stop referring to the media as ‘Fake News’. And start calling them ‘Corrupt news’. And the media says they may stop referring to him as ‘President Trump’ and start calling him former president Trump.

[Cheers and applause]

Trump has brushed off any concern about impeachment saying, “I’m used to it. It’s like putting on a suit.” Meaning it’s a massive daily struggle that takes up most of his mornings. This week we also started seeing evidence of the white house covering up the Ukraine scandal, like one not all suspicious text that said, “There were no quid pro quos of any kind.” Unfortunately the next text was the wink emoji, cash emoji, crazy wink emoji and then the Guiliani emoji.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump keeps saying there was no quid pro quo, which can only mean there was mad quid pro quo. Whenever a guy with like a 30 word vocabulary starts quoting the law in Latin it’s because breaks the law all the time. That’s only something you can learn the hard way. There’s guys that can barely count but can somehow tell you exactly how much cocaine you can get caught with before it’s considered trafficking. That’s three grams, by the way.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Then Trump publicly asked China to investigate Joe Biden, because apparently Trump thinks that’s what presidents should do.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump speaking]

Donald Trump: This was not about politics. This is about corruption. And if you look and you read our constitution and many other things, we—I have an obligation to look at corruption. I have an actual obligation and a duty.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: First of all, you’re screaming. Just a thought, maybe don’t hold all your press conferences next to an active helicopter. Also you’re going after Joe Biden for corruption? I mean, the guy lives in Delaware. He still takes a train to work every day. If he’s stealing billions of dollars, he’s waiting a long time to spend it.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump hasn’t been handling this impeachment news well. He’s been on a twitter rampage. He’s openly called for China to investigate Joe Biden. It also came out that Trump suggested adding a moat filled with alligators and snakes to his proposed border wall. I don’t know how to say this, but are we sure that it’s okay to make fun of this guy? Did you ever read “Of mice and men”? Remember how Lenny was really strong? What if Trump is really strong? I’ve got a cousin who is also very strong. He loves Alligators too. But we don’t make fun of him. Trump tweeted 800 times in the past month. For context, Crissy Teigen tweeted 218 times. Now obviously I feel like the president should be a lot busier than Crissy Teigen. But if Trump is as strong as I think he is, then good job, big bella.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Nickelback meme at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Twitter removed an anti-Joe Biden Nickelback meme that was posted by the president.

Michael Che: See, he’s strong.

Colin Jost: Which is a sentence that if you had said it at any other time in history, would have meant that you were in the middle of a stroke. I also want to point out that Nickelback is Canadian. So Trump was still technically using foreigners to go after Joe Biden.

[The picture changes to Bernie Sanders] In the third quarter of this year, Bernie Sanders raised $25 million and then did what any 78-year-old would do after winning $25 million, he had a heart attack.

Weekend Update Supercentenarian Mort Fellner Returns

Mort Felder … Mikey Day

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: American votes over 700 super centenarians, that’s people over 110 years old and many are making headlines. Here with the super centenarian news is here is Mort Felder.

[Mort Felder slides in]

Mort Felder: Yes, thank you. Hello, Colin. [Cut to Mort Felder and Colin Jost] My wife says you look like a young Errol Flynn.

Colin Jost: Great. So you got some news stories for us, Mort?

Mort Felder: You bet. Here are some of the super things America’s super centenarians are up to.

[Cut to Mort Felder]

Last week, 114 year-old Howard Donahue finally achieved his lifelong dream of experiencing the warm waters of Hawaii.

[Cut to Mort Felder and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, well that’s fun.
Mort Felder: His ashes were spread near the coast on Sunday. He will be missed.

Colin Jost: That’s not where I thought that story was going, Mort.

Mort Felder: Well, yeah. [Cut to Mort Felder] How about 111-year-old Jan Butler, who because the oldest living person to take the bar exam last month. And she passed–

[Cut to Mort Felder and Colin jost]

Colin Jost: Go, Jan!

Mort Felder: –away, moments after completing the task. Rest in peace, Jan.

Colin Jost: Okay, well it’s still a great accomplishment for her.

Mort Felder: Yes, it is. Colin, guess who, 115-year-old Clint Eastwood super fan Eda Kerns finally met?

Colin Jost: Clint Eastwood?

[Cut to Mort Felder]

Mort Felder: Her maker. Eda passed peacefully in her home on Thursday.

[Cut to Mort Felder and Colin]

Colin Jost: Are there any stories with happier endings, Mort?

Mort Felder: Yeah. How about some Showbiz News?

Colin Jost: Love it, great.

Mort Felder: All right. [Cut to Mort Felder] 116-year-old Paul Douglas did his first standup comedy set at the Temple Improv on Friday.

[Cut to Mort Felder and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Hey, that’s good for Paul.

Mort Felder: Yes, he did a very energetic 45-minute set and absolutely destroyed–

Colin Jost: Nice.

[Cut to Mort Felder]

Mort Felder: –his fragile immune system in the process and passed shortly thereafter. I’m just reporting the news. R.I.P, Paul.

Colin Jost: That’s too bad. [Cut to Mort Felder and Colin Jost] I was really excited about that one.

Mort Felder: Hey, time for sports news. Colin, do you like baseball?

Colin Jost: I’m afraid to say, but yes, I do.

[Cut to Mort Felder]

Mort Felder: You do? Well, not as much as Joe Feeney who on Sunday joined the Angels.

[Cut to Mort Felder and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, no.

Mort Felder: No, the Angels baseball team.

Colin Jost: Oh, okay.
Mort Felder: In Anaheim, who honored Joe’s five decades of fandom. He even threw out the first pitch. And the umpire called–

[Cut to Mort Felder and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: A strike?

Mort Felder: 911 when he collapsed on the mound. But Joe remains alive and well.

Colin Jost: Yay! Hi, Joe.

Mort Felder: In our hearts. As he died en route to the hospital.

Colin Jost: Thank you, Mort. Mort Felder with the super centenarian news. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update Sen. Elizabeth Warren Fundraises for Her 2020 Campaign

Elizabeth Warren … Kate McKinnon

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost on his set]

Colin Jost: Senator Elizabeth Warren has raised over $24 million in the past three months. Here to comment is senator Elizabeth Warren.

[Elizabeth Warren slides in]

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost]

Elizabeth Warren: Hello Colin.

Colin Jost: Hi, senator. Firm handshake. So you raised all of this money without any corporate donations, is that right? That’s right. That’s grass roots. And guess what, mama loves to garden. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] That’s why everyday I spend for hours taking selfies with every Warby Parker customers in America. And then I unwind by calling all my small donors to personally thank them.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, right, yes. I assume you do that on Instagram.

Elizabeth Warren: Yes, I’m calling people like Janet in St. Louis [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] who sent me a $2 check and a bogo coupon from Duane Reade. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost] Mind if I give her a call now?

Colin Jost: It’s not the best time.

Elizabeth Warren: Right, right. Janet, hi, it’s Elizabeth Warren. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] I wanted to thank you– Oh, it’s bad time? For the middle class? Okay, bye. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost] That’s Janet. Oh, do you mind if I do a thousand more?

Colin Jost: A thousand? No, we don’t have time for a thousand, I’m sorry. I just wanted to know, that there’s been some big money donors for democrats who said they would rather vote for Trump than you.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: You’re kidding me. What? The billionaires don’t like me? Oh, no! Look, I’m going to tell them the same thing my grandson told me when he took me to ‘Avengers infinity war’. This ain’t for you. That’s why you don’t like it. But then again, taking big checks from wall street worked great for the last lady running for president. Let me just skip Wisconsin and change my name to email Benghazi while I’m at it.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Who’s up there?

Elizabeth Warren: My friend.

Colin Jost: You’ve also been in the news because a fringe conspiracy theorist accused of you having a bdsm relationship with a 24 year old Marine.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: That’s Elizabeth Warren’s vibes for sure. Transactional sex with a younger man. Look, rumors have power when they feel true. What has ever felt less true than a single part of that? If you think I’m in a room with a veteran and I don’t immediately thank him for his service and make sure he’s getting his VA benefits, you’re insane. Also, 24? Any man younger than me by one day is my grandson. But part of that is true. I am into bdsm. Bank-destroying and saving medicare. Woo! So okay, I want to say thank you to all of my donors like Beth in Orlando who sent me this hastily needle pointed pillow that says, “Nevertheless she persists” or Linda in Des Moines who sent me this scary doll of myself. Finally, I’m going to call a young gentleman named Michael in New York.

[phone ringing]

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Hello?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren, Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Elizabeth Warren: Mike, it’s Elizabeth Warren. Thanks for the ten g’s.

Michael Che: No problem.

Colin Jost: Wait, you donated ten grand to Elizabeth Warren?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Yes, I like that she had sex with that marine.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Elizabeth Warren everyone.

Weekend Update R. Kelly Held without Bail

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of a dog and dog food at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A number of companies have started offering plant based dog food options, perfect for anyone who wants to pick up liquid dukie with a plastic bag.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of R Kelly at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Lawyers for R. Kelly, who is being held without bail, are complaining that the singer is only allowed to visit with one of his girlfriends at a time. Worse, visiting hours conflict with their schedule of their middle school.

[The picture changes to a glass of red wine.]

A new study suggests that fathers to be should stop drinking alcohol six months before trying to conceive a child. The study’s goal was to end Ireland.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a news article at left top corner that says ‘Man Hit in Testicle’.]

Michael Che: A Manhattan attorney has filed a $100,000 lawsuit against a batting cage company after a faulty machinefired a 75mph fastball into his left testicle. I guess, ball one.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: A new study found cats bond with people like dogs do but they’re too aloof to show it. Which is why I named my cat ‘Dad’.

[Picture changes to a news article with a title ‘Man Can’t Find Car After a Week’.]

A man who drove his car to a music festival still cannot remember where he parked his car a week after the show. We hope you make it back soon, [Picture changes to Pete Davidson] Pete.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a pet horse at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Residents on Staten Island are upset with a local man who keeps a pet horse in his yard saying the animal smells and attracts flies. You know what else smells and attracts flies? Staten Island.

[Picture changes to a news article ‘Billboard Displays Porn.]

Two people in Michigan accessed the computer billboard along a highway and changed a display to show a pornographic movie. As a result, police say there were a record number of Carjacking.

Weekend Update Chen Biao on US-China Trade War

Chen Biao … Bowen Yang

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: Next week China is set to visit the White House and discuss this ongoing trade war. Here to comment is Chinese trade representative, Chen Biao.

[Chen Biao slides in]

Chen Biao: [Speaking in Chinese language]