Author: Don Roy King

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Special: Saturday Night Live in the ’90s: Pop Culture Nation

Gangsta Rap Dance Smashes!: 12/04/93

Richie: Hey, everybody! I know what will REALLY get this party going! [ holds up album ] It’s Jukebox’s collection of Gangsta Rap dance tunes!

Adam McKay: Let’s face it — “SNL” comes from a tradition of, like.. white, snarky, smart-ass comedy. It doesn’t come from that tradition of, like, “Def Comedy Jam.”

[ image: The NFL on Fox: 01/08/94 ]

Jim Downey: You’re never gonna be the voice of Black America, probably.
Black History Month: 02/25/95

[ Ellen Cleghorne and Tim Meadows sit at a desk ]

Ellen Cleghorne: But — on an up note — this marks the first time in the history of “Saturday Night Live” that two African-American cast members have opened the show by saying, in unison…

Both: [enthusiastically put their heads together and shout] Live from New York–!

Chris Farley: [abruptly enters and puts his arms around Ellen and Tim, interrupting] Hey, guys! What’s up?! [audience cheers and applauds for a grinning Farley as Ellen and Tim look glum and upset]

Chris Rock: Their guys would probably rather do a sketch with, you know — about John McLaughlin than Flavor Flav. That’s just — [ laughs ] that’s just — [ laughs ] that’s just, you know, there’s a lot of white guys on this show!

En Vogue performs “Free Your Mind”: 03/21/92

En Vogue: [ singing ]
“Before you can read me, you got to learn how to see me
I said free your mind and the rest will follow
Be color blind, don’t be so shallow.
I said free your mind and the rest will follow
Be color blind, don’t be so shallow.”

The Dark Side with Nat X: 11/10/90

Nat X: Peace, brothers and sisters, and welcome to the show! I’m your host, Nat X! In the next 15 minutes – that’s right, this is the only 15-minute show on TV. Why? Because the man would never give a brother like me a whole half-hour!

Tina Fey: I think black culture has yet to really — really, really — break out on “SNL.”

[ image: World Series: 10/23/93 ]

Tim Meadows: If you don’t have any other.. African-American writers on the staff, then.. you don’t have anybody who really thinks like you.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald: 10/01/94

Tim Meadows: I swear to God, there are only a few things that really get to Tim Meadows: racism, sexism and no hockey!

Tim Meadows: I wouldn’t say it’s tougher, but I would say it’s a little tougher. [ laughs ]

[ image: Tim Meadows as Darius Rucker in ABC News Special: 10/21/95 ]
The Ladies Man: 10/04/97

Caller #2: Uh, hello, Ladies Man? Yeah, uh, I’ve been with my girlfriend for a few years now, and we like to have sex and all, but —

Leon Phelps: Hey, that sounds good to me!

Caller #2: It gets kind of boring, so is there any way we can, uh, spice up our love life?

Leon Phelps: Well, yes, uh — there are a number of possibilities that you can pursue. Uh — may I suggest you consider the butt?

Caller #2: [ quickly hangs up the phone, eager to take suggestion ]


Rob Smigel: They’ll hire the one black writer for Chris Rock. You know — “He’ll help Chris!”
2 Live Crew Party: 09/29/90

[ Luther Campbell’s agent pours a drink ]

Agent: A lot of these people don’t know how hard it is to write what you write.

Luther Campbell: [ sighs ] Now, people think you can just throw a “lick-lick” here, and a “bitch-bitch” there — “lick there, bitch, bith, bitch, lick it, bitch!” and get a song!

Fred Wolf: It, maybe, didn’t exploit him, but, really, I feel like it brought him out to an audience that came to understand how funny he was.

[ image: Nikey Turkey: 11/17/90 ]

[ image: Russell Simmons’ Def Magic Show Jam: 03/20/93 ]


Chris Rock: I remember talking to Eddie Murphy when I first got hired, and I wasn’t getting on, and he just kept saying, “You’ve gotta write Update pieces — man, you gotta do that straight-to-camera, man.”

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon: 09/26/92

Chris Rock: You know, I hated school. You know why I hated school? Because I was the only black kid in my grade — the whole grade! I felt like Franklin from the Charlie Brown Show. You ever see Franklin? 25 years, not one line! Nothing! 25 years, man. I mean, everybody on Charlie Brown’s got their own little character that’s all thought out. You know, Linus got the blanket.. Lucy’s a bitch.. Schmoly plays the piano.. Peppermint Patty’s a lesbian. You know? Everybody’s got their thing, except Franklin! Give him something! Damn! Give him a Jamaican accent or something! [ speaks in Jamaican accent: ] “C’mon Charlie Brown leave me alone, mon!” I mean, come on!

Macy Gray performs “I Try”: 01/15/00

Macy Gray: [ singing ]
“I believe that fate has brought us here
And we should be together
But we’re not
I play it off, but I’m dreaming of you
I’ll keep my cool but I’m feenin’.
I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it’s clear
My world crumbles when you are not near.”

Steve Koren: You know, the 90’s was interesting because I think it’s the first time when the show was dominated by former stand-up comedians.

Chris Kattan: Sandler was stand-up, and Spade was stand-up, and it was like a stand-up element. And, uh, Norm — Norm MacDonald was a stand-up.

[ image: Larry King’s News & Views ]

Norm MacDonald: Like, the first season I would just talk straight into the camera, ’cause I knew I — I knew I always knew how to talk into cameras. As you can see. [ laughs ]
Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon: 10/09/93

Norm MacDonald: I was thinking about it the other day, and I realized that what scares me most about going in prison isn’t the loss of freedom or the, uh, stigma, or even the separation from family. For me, the scariest thing about going to prison is, uh — you know, it’s the, uh — you know, the, uh — [ pause ] anal rape! [ waits for the audience to appreciate the joke ]

Jimmy Fallon: [ smiling ] At the time, I was like — no, he’s so good! [ laughs ] The dude is so confident with that great joke, that he’s just going to sit there until people finally get it, and process it, and go: [ exhales ] and just laugh.

David Spade: Stand-ups are good at writing stand-up, but it’s so different. I mean, basically, I would do Weekend Update — and i’d just do my act.

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon: 05/07/93

David Spade: By the way, when you’re at a show and the band says, “Here’s something from our new album, why don’t they just say, “Everyone, get up and go to the bathroom.”

David Spade: And then, when I tried to write Hollywood Minute, people said, “You know, you always read these magazines and talk out loud at the writer’s table about this celebrity, or this, or you just kinda make fun of them — try that.” So I put it together, did it at read-through, it killed, and Lorne’s, like, “You found your voice. Love it.”
Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon: 12/04/93

David Spade: Macauley Culkin! Hi. First of all, your dad’s nuts. Secondly, let me tell you something, kid: you’re cute, you’ve got blonde hair, everyone loves you, it’s true. Here’s the catch: I used to look exactly like you when I was ten! Alright? Oh, yeah! [ softly ] Oh, yeah. this is where you’re headed, buddy! Welcome to Hell!

Kevin Nealon: I think you’ll see a lot of stand-ups are more comfortable doing Weekend Update features. Someone like Adam Sandler, or Chris Rock.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald: 02/18/95

Opera Man: [ pictured: Brad Pitt ]
“Brad Pitt sexiest
“People” wrote-o
Operaman say
Recount the vote-o!”

Michael Shoemaker: Adam redefined what it was like to be a cast member, ’cause he didn’t have to be in sketches with people. Adam would score on Adam’s terms.

[ image: Iraqi Pete: 02/16/91 ]

[ image: Caracci’s Pizza: 10/03/92 ]

[ image: Sleepy Head on Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon: 03/13/93 ]


Tom Davis: His style of — of comedy was doing these funny, wimpy characters that — that Lorne didn’t get for a while, ’cause he’d read these things at read-through that didn’t seem to be about anything, and there was no jokes, there was just these: [ imitates Adam Sandler ]

[ image: Hitting on Women: 04/11/92 ]

[ image: Office Thanksgiving Party: 11/21/92 ]

[ image: French Class: 02/13/93 ]

But, then, Lorne saw it, and put him on Update with his guitar —

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon: 02/13/93

Adam Sandler: [ singing ]
“My mom bought you when I was just thirteen,
the brightest red sweatshirt I ever seen.
She got an extra large so I wouldn’t grow out,
“That’s too big for you!” the other kids would shout.
But we stuck together, we didn’t quit,
and now the children say, “What a perfect fit.” ”

Kevin Nealon: We played off each other well, because Sandler would do this crazy, absurd character, like, you know — the Halloween guy, or Opera Man, or Cajun Man — it usually ended with “Man”!And, uh — and I would play the straight, uh, news anchor.
Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon: 02/13/93

Adam Sandler: Kevin, please help me out.
[ singing ]
“I love you sweeeeatshirt!”

Kevin Nealon: “Red hooded.”

Adam Sandler: “Sweeeeatshirt!”

Kevin Nealon: “Dip, dip, dip.”

Adam Sandler: “Sweeeeatshirt!”

Kevin Nealon: “Shama lama ding dong.”

Adam Sandler: “Sweeeeatshirt!”

Rob Smigel: It was incredibly subversive because his material appeared to be, you know, borderline retarded — [ laughs ] to one section of the audience, because of the subject matter. But, he was doing some of the most inventive stuff that had EVER been done on the show. He was really deconstructing sketch comedy.

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon: 10/30/93

Adam Sandler: [ holding a pickle under his nose ] “I’m Crazy Pickle Moustache!”

Rob Smigel: He was kind of exposing character premises, for what they were — which were, you know, naked gimmicks.. that we used to.. make money not having to lift things. [ laughs ]

Michael Shoemaker: By the time we got to the 90’s, these were all pretty original types.
The Dogs: 12/05/92

The Dogs: [ singing ]
“But I’m baa-aa-aad!
Bad bad baa-aa-aad!
Bad bad baa-aa-aad!”

Michael Shoemaker: Now, every couple of years we maybe get another Sandler. But, there wasn’t one like him then.

Coming up Next: Saturday Night Dead… Again

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Special: Saturday Night Live in the ’90s: Pop Culture Nation

Tom Davis: For me, it was a changing of the guard, you know? Lorne, wisely, is keeping “Saturday Night Live” about young people.

Rob Smigel: It’s hard to imagine right now, but there were practically no sketches that we did, between ’85 and ’90, that involved teenagers, uh — or things that teenagers watched.

Jimmy Fallon: The 90’s, especially, I think, are the years where it was speaking to me, like I kinda got the jokes, or related to, uh — uh — the references.
Gap Girls: 01/15/93

Lucy: God, I love these fries!

Boss: [ laughing ] If you love’ em so much, why don’t you marry ’em! [ eats some fries ] Can I have some?

LucyUm.. sure, Cindy, go ahead..

Boss: [ grabs Lucy’s collar ] Lay off, man, I’m STARVING!


Norm MacDonald: It was a different kind of comedy, and so, uh — some people got it, and some people didn’t! [ laughs ] But, to Lorne’s credit, sometimes he’d say to me, “I don’t get it, but I understand the young people get it.” And, of course, that’s what’s important.
Nirvana performs “Smells Like Teen Spirit”: 01/11/92

Nirvana: [ singing ]
“With the lights out,
it’s less dangerous!
Here we are now,
entertain us!
I feel stupid,
and contagious!
Here we are now,
entertain us!
Yea!”

Lorne Michaels: The press, which was primarily baby boomers, writing, uh — and baby boomers owned the show, and there was a kind of a virginity of, uh — “Well, we know what a big “Saturday Night Live” show is, and this is the way you’re supposed to be it.” And the idea that this cast, particularly with Adam and Farley, is that they were playing to their kids. It was a big shift.

Tim Herlihy: It was a weird year because Phil Hartman had left the year before. We almost couldn’t lose anybody more important than him.

Rob Smigel: A lot of people had left. Jan was gone, and Carve was gone. So you lose those core people, and then you’re left with what the show was toward the end of that run. They were great performers, you know, but they were more personality acts.

David Spade: We’re there — they’re saying the show’s horrible, it used to be funny. And then we leave, they go, “You guys were great.” I don’t know. We had one guy — a reporter for New York Magazine, uh — we let him in for two weeks, buddied up with him.. let him into our home.

Steve Koren: We thought he loved the place — he was there, he seemed real happy, hanging out with people, getting drunk with people in the local bar —

Norm MacDonald: And, uh, just laughed hysterically at — especially at Farley and Sandler, because they were so explosively funny.

Steve Koren: Then, suddenly, he comes out with an article — “Saturday Night Dead.”

David Spade: And me, Chris, and Adam were on our way to, you know, go beat him up, old school style. Like: go find him, beat him up, let him know that’s how it is.Everyone was pissed. Lorne stopped us. Lorne said, “I won’t fire you guys.” But it was that — that — that everyone was just that worked up that we got that tricked and that screwed from a guy, um — a guy trying to make a name for himself.

You Think You’re Better Than Me?: 05/13/95

Pete Toman: Hey! Welcome to “You Think You’re Better Than Me?”, the show for regular guys. Not uppity guys who think they’re better than us!

Tim Herlihy: I thought it was really funny here, in ’94-’95. But the ratings really were in, like, freefall. It was very strange that it never, you know — I didn’t know it at the time, but looking back now, and having — you know — it was sort of, you know, a freakish occurrence.
You Think You’re Better Than Me?: 05/13/95

Pete Toman: [ reading from the category: “Cut Off By A Mercedes” ] “You’re driving down the highway, minding your own buisness, and some guy with a ponytail driving a –” [ Danny buzzes in ] Danny?

Danny: Pull up alongside the guy, stick my ass out the window and scream, “You think you’re better than me?!!”

[ correct answer dings ]

Pete Toman: Damn straight! Freakin’ fruitcake with a ponytail!

Michael Shoemaker: The idea that Adam Sandler, who was one of the biggest movie stars coming out of the show, was there during what was considered a “bad” time, or that Mike Myers was — was there in that year, doesn’t really make sense. But, now, people look back and say, like, “Oh, well, those were the good times. It’s this bunch that I don’t care for.” And it’s always that way.

Bill Swerski’s Super Fans: 03/25/95

Tood O’Conner: Oh, you know that “Saturday Night Live” show? Oh, it got way worse. Oh, yeah — it’s just sad. They got that fat guy screamin’ all da time. Come on! Pull da plug on dat freakin’ thing, huh?

Lorne Michaels: It’s interesting because, in that 90’s, there was a sort of perfect storm when the press were beating us up, and the network had, quote unquote, “created” “Friends”. Although, I’m sure the producers of the show had something to do with it. There was just this absolute certainty of where they stood on comedy.

David Koechner: I would argue that, even among that year when people weren’t liking something, every week there was something that someone was talking about, and was memorable.
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald: 04/08/95

Norm MacDonald: This week in the O.J. Simpson trial, the infamous bloody glove was finally introduced into evidence. And O.J. didn’t help his case any by blurting out, “There it is! I’ve been looking all over for that thing!”

Fred Wolf: [ laughs ] Behind the control room, when we were putting on the show, you could just see these executives through the glass window. They would all be relegated to this one area there, and.. they’d be white-faced sometimes, they really would be really worried about some stuff.
Sheryl Crow performs “If It Makes You Happy”: 10/05/96

Sheryl Crow: [ singing ]
“If it makes you happy
It can’t be that ba-a-a-a-a-d
If it makes you happy
Then why the hell are you so sad?”

Michael Shoemaker: It’s even hard to believe now — how much intereference there was — but there was. They had a lot to say, and they were there a lot more.

Lorne Michaels: [ laughs ] We got paid a lot of visits in the mid-90’s, yeah.

Rick Ludwin: Lorne and others on “Saturday Night Live” were asked to come out to the West Coast. Lorne hated that, because, I think, he felt he was being called into the Principal’s office.

Marci Klein: It was a meeting about just who NBC wanted us to fired, and the changes that needed to be made. It was definitely the first time that I had been in a meeting like that.
Total Bastard Airlines: 03/19/94

Steward: Buh-bye.

Stewardess: Buh-bye. Buh-bye. Buh-bye.

Steward: Buh-bye.

Marci Klein: They wanted everybody gone. I mean, they wanted all, really, of the stand-up types.
Total Bastard Airlines: 03/19/94

Passenger 2: Uh, excuse me, could you tell me —

Stewardess: Buh-bye. I’m sorry, what part didn’t you understand — the buh or the bye? Buh-bye.

Tim Meadows: Who can work when you — and write comedy — when you are under the impression that you’re going to be fired in the next few weeks? Or, the network doesn’t like you and they don’t want you there?
Total Bastard Airlines: 03/19/94

Passenger 4: [ angry ] What did you say to me?!

Steward: [ defensive ] What?! I said “Buh-bye!” I just said “Buh-bye” 40 times in a row, why would I say anything else, it doesn’t make sense! Did I just say something without knowing it? No! Go! Buh-bye!

Lorne Michaels: Somebody asked Warren Littlefield — in some interview — they asked him about my job, and he said, “Well, everything’s up in the air.” I thought, “Well, that’s — that’s reassuring.”
Total Bastard Airlines: 03/19/94

Steward: Buh-bye.

Passenger 7: I’m gonna be waiting for you outside in the terminal!

Steward: Great! Buh-bye.

Passenger 7: No, no, no, there’s more! I’m gonna pound your face in.

Steward: Okay, slick. Buh-bye.

Passenger 7: I’m gonna destroy you.

Steward: Buh-bye!

Passenger 7: I am gonna kick the crap out of you!!

Steward: Yeah?! Buh-bye!

Stewardess: Buh-bye.

Mike Myers: It was not hard to leave. I loved being on the show, but, still, I am honored that I was part of that history. You know? But six years is a long time to do anything. You know?

Kevin Nealon: And I had been there for nine years, too, so it was a long run for me, and I was looking to do something different.

Al Franken: My thing was me. I just said, “Okay, you know, I should grow up and do something else and see what else is out there.” [ laughs ]

Tim Meadows: In retrospect, they got rid of a lot of really good people — Sandler and Farley — yeah, they basically cleaned house that year. And, I think, Spade.. myself.. and Norm MacDonald, probably, were the only ones who came back.

Jimmy Fallon: One of my favorite sketches of all time is when they’re daring each other to jump in a polar bear cage —
The Polar Bear Sketch: 05/13/95

Jay Mohr: Hey, look at this polar bear cage.Hey, you think I can swim the little moat both waysbefore the bear eats me?

Adam Sandler: Five bucks says you can’t.

Jay Mohr: All right. Read ’em and weep, myfriend!

[Mohr jumps the railing into the polar bear pit. Hedisappears from view and we hear a loud splash as hehits the water below.]

Jimmy Fallon: And the next guy jumps in — he got eaten by the polar bear!
The Polar Bear Sketch: 05/13/95

[Sandler climbs the railing and jumps into the pit.]

Adam Sandler: Wheeeee!

[Sandler disappears with a splash.]

Jimmy Fallon: Blood flies in their face —
The Polar Bear Sketch: 05/13/95

[The polar bear roars and eats Sandler who yells “Oh,my God!” Sandler’s blood splashes up on Farley andMacDonald.]

Norm MacDonald: Well, uh, Farley, did you ordid you not hear me tell him that, ah, there was abear still in that cage, eh?

Jimmy Fallon: And then they get in an argument, they’re like, “Well, he’s got all the beer money –“
The Polar Bear Sketch: 05/13/95

Chris Farley: I’m goin’ into the polar bearcage and get myself some wallets so I can get somebeer money! Adios!

[With an incomprehensible exclamation, Farley haulshimself over the railing and falls into the pit with asplash.

Jimmy Fallon: So, really, they were all killing themselves off. But that was one of my favorite sketches, not even knowing that they weren’t going to return. But there was, you know — I — I — I like that. I like it when peoople leave. They say “Thanks,” we say “Thanks,” and now we’re going to have to try and love these new people.
Green Day performs “When I Come Around”: 12/03/94

Green Day: [ singing ]
“No time to search the world around
Cause you know where Ill be found
When I come around”

Coming up Next: ’95-’96

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Special: Saturday Night Live in the ’90s: Pop Culture Nation

Paula Pell: It’s always ben such a saving grace for the show when there’s… interesting, screwed-up things going on in our world, and we can reflect on it.
Gin Blossoms perform “Follow You Down”: 03/23/96

Gin Blossoms: [ singing ]
“Anywhere you go, I’ll follow you down
I’ll follow you down, but not that far.”

??: The stuff in the 90’s was, like, intersecting with politics.. it was intersecting with crime.. it was intersecting with sports. So it felt like we could really do a rich show that kind of covered American life.

Will Ferrell: When we were doing it right — when we weren’t just making the obvious choice, we were actually throwing these kind of dubious characters into situations that made it really funny.
Unabomber Class Reunion: 04/13/96

FBI Agent #1: You have ten minutes, Ted!

Ted Kaczynski: Fellas, thanks again for letting me come to this — a class reunion doesn’t happen very often! And, I tell ya, it feels like I never left!

James: [ approaching ] Oh, my God! Don’t tell me.. don’t tell me.. uh.. uh..

Ted Kaczynski: [ covers his nametag ] No peeking!

James: [ laughs ] Ted Kaczynski! Where did they find you?!

[ they hug ]

Ted Kaczynski: Jimmy Mallory, you old pool shark! How the hell are you?

James: Not bad.. So, what have you been up to?

Ted Kaczynski: I’ve been doing a lot of writing..

James: Yeah, really? You, uh, get anything published?

Ted Kaczynski: Yeah. One thing.

Adam McKay: To play the bogeyman — to play the Devil as a goofball — is just a fun game to do, you know? and then you get the right performer doing it, and, all of a sudden, you can start having a run with these characters.

Steve Higgins: Everything about Ted Kaczynski was just so… insane. Because he was more like a character we’d create, than a real human.

Unabomber Defense Plan: 01/17/98

Ted Kaczynski: [ stands ] Terrific! Great! I think that went well!

Steve Higgins: Who else to play that, but Will?

Norm MacDonald: As soon as I saw him, I thought, “This guy is like Chevy.” Because he’s an all-American guy, but he has this, like, incredible subversive streak in him.
The Terry Gantner Family Workout: 12/07/96

Terry Gantner: [ punches board, breaking Terry’s hand instead of the board ] Oh, God! Oh.. God! Oh, sweet God! Sweet bastard! Oh, my God! What kind of wood was that!!

Julian Gantner: Dad, are you all right?

Terry Gantner: What kind of wood was that! What kind of wood was that!! Sweet God!


Molly Shannon: Will’s a great writer, too. I loved writing stuff with him, because he’s so supportive, and if you say any crazy things like, “That’s great!” he’ll say, “We’ll be crazy together.” Um — I think we share a similar dark sensibility.
Dog Show: 12/05/98

David Larry: Hello, and welcome to “Dog Show” —

Miss Colleen: A show for people —

David Larry: About dogs —

Miss Colleen: Starring one dog —

David Larry: And one dirty dog.

Miss Colleen: That’s right — that’s me.I’m Miss Colleen, and I! Like! Huh-dogs! [ she dives forward ]

David Larry: And I’m David Larry. And I like dogs. As usual, I’m sitting next to my special dog friend — [ the dog dives into David’s drums ] Mr. Bojangles – -who is actually a girl. But I gave her a boy’s name. Because I’m playing a TRICK on her!

Will Ferrell: “Dog Show”? It was really funny-strange.. but we somehow tricked Lorne into thinking it was funny-ha-ha. Adn he would put it on in the heart of the show. Or, sometimes, it would be the second sketch up. [ he laughs ]We’d just look at each other, like… “How did we fool him?” ‘Cause we’re holding these little tiny dogs, but —

Adam McKay: And that was sort of the power of Will Ferrell, and that’s why all the writers, like, loved him and wrote for him endlessly. Because he broke that barrier between funny-strange and funny-ha-ha.

Mark McKinney: He is the kind of spirit of crazy that you want, and, at the same time, you know, none of the, you know, sort of darker personal issues that usually haunt that type of person. He was always friendly, always accessible. You always felt like Will was your bud.

Ana Gasteyer: Probably the most popular people in the workplace are like, you know — Will Ferrell has this, just impossible-to-replicate calm and confidence about whathe’s doing. And it’s contagious.

Adam McKay: The game was mot: “Look how funny I am.” The game was: “We like to play with each other.”

Marci Klein: Every night, they were doing improv… and improv games and theater games. It was just completely different.

Steve Higgins: The more you know somebody, the more you know how they’re funny in a way that people haven’t seen before. Norm and I were hanging out in his office one day, playing a game where he had words and you had to do an impression of somebody saying the same sentence, and he did Burt Reynolds doing it, and we’d go, “Well, there you go! So how can we get Burt Reynolds on TV?”


Norm MacDonald: And they wanted me to do Burt Reynolds now, with a grey beard, and I said, “No, let’s do it in the 70’s, ’cause that’s when I loved him the most.”
Celebrity Jeopardy: 10/23/99

Alex Trebek: [ as Burt Reynolds walks up wearing a large hat ] Mr. Reynolds, what are you doing?

Burt Reynolds: Ha-ha! Yeah, I found this backstage, an over-sized hat. It’s funny.

Alex Trebek: No, it’s not!

Burt Reynolds: Sure it is. It’s funny. It’s funny because it’s ah, bigger than, ah.. [ clears throat ] ..you know, a normal hat.

Alex Trebek: Uh, I see that. Get back to your podium.

Will Ferrell: The “Jeopardy” sketch, to me, is the spirit of “Saturday Night Live.” It’s, like, you know, the whole cast is working at one time, and there’s really some clever writing going on…
Celebrity Jeopardy: 03/20/99

Alex Trebek: Mr. Connery, why don’t you pick a category?

Sean Connery: I’ve got to ask you about the Penis Mightier.

Alex Trebek: What? No. No, no, that is The Pen is Mightier.

Sean Connery: Gussy it up however you want, Trebek. What matters is does it work?

Darrell Hammond: And none of it really ever made any sense. It made no sense that Connery didn’t know the answers… and it made no sense that he had such an intense dislike for Alex Trebek…
Celebrity Jeopardy: 10/23/99

Alex Trebek: “This is the sound a doggy makes.” [ Connery buzzes in ] Mr. Connery.

Sean Connery: Moo. [ buzzer sounds ]

Alex Trebek: No.

Sean Connery: Well, that’s the sound your mother made last night! [ laughs ]

Darrell Hammond: It’s the most popular thing I’ve ever done. It’s the thing people know most about me when they come to my shows.

Norm MacDonald: And then one time, I was talking to Burt Reynolds, and he said he wanted to come on the show while I was doing “Celebrity Jeopardy”, and then, uh, punch me in the face and take over… and then, he’d be even stupider — but then I got fired, and so he couldn’t do it!
Coming up next… Norm Vs. The Network

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Special: Saturday Night Live in the ’90s: Pop Culture Nation

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald: 10/07/95

Norm MacDonald: Thanks! I’m Norm MacDonald, and now the fake news. Well, it is finally official: murder is legal in the state of California.

Tina Fey: Norm was, probably, the last dangerous cast member. In the good way. In, like, you didn’t know — he might say whatever he wanted.

John Goodman: It was the perfect tone for “Update”, for me, because Norman couldn’t give a damn about anything.
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald: 12/03/94

Norm MacDonald: Kenny G has a Christmas album out this year. [waves] Hey, happy birthday, Jesus! Hope you like crap!

Don Ohlmeyer: Norm did, I thought, a terrific job for a couple of years. And then, that season… it just was flat.

Jim Downey: We wanted to be like a punk segment, sort of like — like — in the 70’s, where it was very bare-bones and — and — and not — and no cuteness.
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald: 09/27/97

Norm MacDonald: Well, according to published reports, Michael Jackson’s wife is now pregnant with the pop star’s second child. Asked why he decided to become a father again so soon, Jackson explained that his seven-month-old son is starting to lose his looks. [ some boos ]

Norm MacDonald: [ chuckling ] So, it wasn’t a studio crowd-pleasing… effect. It was never aimed at the studio audience, you know? It was always aimed directly at me. I just wrote what I knew was funny.
Pearl Jam performs “Not For You”: 04/16/94

Pearl Jam: [ singing ]
“This is not for you
This is not for you
This is not for you
Oh, never was for you… noooooooo!!!”

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald: 03/15/97

Norm MacDonald: [ finally realizes he’s looking into the wrong camera, looks into the live camera ] You know, it would probably be better if I was over on this camera…

Rick Ludwin: There was a period when Norm was not as well-prepared as he probably should have been… and… “Update” wasn’t ready to be seen at the run-through —
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald: 03/15/97

Norm MacDonald: [cheers and applause, the view shifts, a grinning Norm turns to the live camera] Okay. Well, now that I’m over on this camera, it’d probably be better if you put the cards over here! [greater cheers and applause]

Rick Ludwin: — which we viewed as a problem.

Lorne Michaels: But… you know, I’ve been there a long time, so I can tell you that there’s some consistency to the disorganization.

Ken Aymong: Don didn’t want Norm doing “Update” any more. [ he shrugs his shoulders ] You know, I wanted it to stop raining. You know? I mean, I didn’t take it as any more than that.

Don Ohlmeyer: You know, having come from a producing and directing background, you know, I always used to hate… network executives who would tell you how to fix a show.

Lorne Michaels: Don had come out of producing, so there was a lot more “I’d do it this way.”

Rick Ludwin: Lorne was always professional, and he would always listen politely, but he would ultimately ignore all the suggestions, which would… make some of the people on the West Coast, uh — angry.
Pearl Jam performs “Not For You”: 04/16/94

Don Ohlmeyer: And I said to Lorne, you know, “We’ve gotta fix this,” and he says, “Well, you know, they’re doing the best they can do.” I said, “Well, if that’s the best they can do, then we’ve gotta get somebody else in there.” And Lorne fought me on it. It was the only thing — in the time that I was there — that we really had knock-down, drag-out arguments about, and he felt that there needed to be a change, but he wanted to wait until the end of the season.


Jim Downey: They pretended to believe that it was going to be an enormously popular decision, for which the public would thank them, and, in fact, the human emnity of the TV critics was really something to see. Time Magazine had a thing about it, and even printed up a little postcard to send to NBC to — to dump on them.

Michael Shoemaker: When it happened, that Norm wasn’t taken off of “Update”, um, I don’t think that any of us expected that that could happen, because, before or since, it’s never been that kind of network. Complete interference. And it came at such a crazy time.

Jim Downey: Mike Shoemaker calls me on the phone and says, “Two things — uh, you and Norm are fired, and, uh, Chris Farley’s dead.”

Michael Shoemaker: It was the Christmas break… Farley had just died… and, I think, Lorne was at the funeral… and… it just all kind of happened.
Garbage performs “When I Grow Up”: 03/20/99

Garbage: [ singing ]
“Trying hard to fit among you
Floating out to wonderland
Unprotected
God I’m pregnant
Damn the consequences.

When I grow up
I’ll be stable
When I grow up
I’ll turn the tables.”

Lorne Michaels: I said, at the time, that it was the child that John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd didn’t have. But he — he — you know, when he was a boy, he actually taped his eyebrow up, to try and, uh, look like John Belushi.

Tom Davis: For those of us who lived through the Belushi thing — we just saw it coming. And it was just like looking at a puppy next to a highway.

Al Franken: It’s not like he didn’t try, it’s not like he didn’t try. He must have done… twelve rehabs, or something like that.
Permission to Host: 10/25/97

Chris Farley: But that was then — this is now! This time, I’m not just talking the talk! I’m gonna be walking the walk on this one!

Tim Meadows: [ pats Chris’ back ] And he’s got a GREAT sponsor, who’s here to keep an eye on him.

Chris Farley: Yeah!

[ Chevy Chase enters Lorne’s office ]

Chevy Chase: Hey, Lorne!

Chris Farley: Yes!

[ the audience cheers ]

Lorne Michaels: You’re — you’re Farley’s sponsor? You just got out of Betty Ford!

Chevy Chase: [ chuckles ] Well, that’s neither here nor there, Lorne! The important thing is that Chris has been doing great! [ rubs Chris’ head ] He’s been completely sober for — what? — two weeks.

Chris Farley: Six!

Chevy Chase: Six! Whatever. But what counts is: Chris is not just talking the talk… he’s walking the walk.

Mark McKinney: He had big American fame — BIG american fame. I don’t know, I think that’s pressure. It sounds great, you know, for everyone who dreams of fame, if that’s what you want. But I remember just looking at him, and going, “Uh, that must be tough to handle.”

Alec Baldwin: I think it was John Goodman who once said to me that it’s very hard for the Falstaffian Man to weather that kind of response they get from the public. I mean, Chris told me the same thing. Chris said everywhere he went, he would walk into bars and restaurants for years — just his entire life — and he never paid for a drink. Everywhere got their arm around him, they wrapped ihm in a headlock, they were hugging him and saying, “You! You! Your drink’s on me!” It was like the party just unpacked right in front of you.


Tim Meadows: The last month or so before he passed — I don’t think about that stuff as much. You know? I think about the guy who used to drop his pants when I was coming offstage back at Second City, uh — just to make me laugh! [ he laughs ]

Ken Aymong: It was pretty rough stuff. And then, you know, Phil Hartman, I mean, that’s — that’s beyond words.

Norm MacDonald: They were, like, the happiest guys about performing. They both have their greatest joy in just making people laugh than any performer I’ve ever seen.
Coming up next… Norm Vs. The Network

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts


Special: Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found

Dana Carvey: For those of you at home right now, you’re watching a thing called a television. And we’re broadcasting images that you can see!

Billy Crystal: Even though I’d had a successful run on “Soap,” and so on and so forth, I had the chance to do what I really felt I could do, and what I always wanted to do.
Fernando’s Hideaway: 12/08/84

Fernando: You look maah-velous!

Barbara Bach: You look pretty good, yourself.

Fernando: Well, thank you, darling. I’m blushing inside. My temperature is rising, it isn’t surprising. I’ll tell you that, right now. [ looks over at Ringo Starr ] You know what I’m saying to you?

[ Ringo is ready to speak, but Fernando quickly loses interest and returns his focus to Barbara ]

Fernando: Barbara —

[ Ringo remains stunned that he’s not the one being interviewed ]


Joe Piscopo: They still weren’t sure about Eddie Murphy. And we campaigned — a couple of us said, “This is the guy. You need this guy on the show.” And Eddie was so great. They made him a featured player.
Ebony & Ivory: 05/22/82

Stevie Wonder: [ singing ]
“I am dark, and you are light.”

Frank Sinatra: [ singing ]
“You are blind as a bat, and I have sight!
Side by side, you are my amigo,
Negro, let’s not fiiiiiiiight!”

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: I didn’t know how it worked. I didn’t know how to get writers to write for me. I didn’t know you had to get writers to write for you. That took me some time to figure out. Oh, yeah, you need to.. make, sort of, these alliances. [ chuckles ] Like “Survivor.”
The Julia Show: 02/18/84

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: [ standing ] Do you think my hips are getting too wide? I don’t. Nobody does! They’re not.

Jon Lovitz: I really looked up to Phil as my, my, uh — you know, he became my older brother. We became like brothers. We were very, very close.
Johnny O’Connor: 10/18/86

Harry: I think you’re the worst actor I’ve ever seen, and I get five hundred letters a day telling me the same!

Johnny O’Connor: What’s the word on the street?

[ Harry is flabbergasted ]

Martin Short: I grew up in a kind of laughter – fun family. And I thought, “Gee, that would – what a way to spend your life, laughing and looking good.
Ed Grimley: 02/02/85

Conan O’Brien: For a while, at “Saturday Night Live,” you don’t know if you’ve made it. I remembered a few times, Lorne has a joke that he sometimes pulls, I think, on newer talent. Every now and then, I’d pass him in the hallway, and Lorne would say, “Still with the show?”
Next With The Producer: 11/08/86

Lorne Michaels: What are you doing in that outfit?

Rosanna Arquette: [ laughs ] It’s for the “Neck With the Producer” sketch! [ hands him the script ]

Lorne Michaels: The “Neck With the Producer” sketch? [ reads ] Hmm.. you’d better get ready — this isn’t bad! I mean, it’s funny, and it makes an interesting point about the homeless.

Rosanna Arquette: [ quick save ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”


Automobile Club: 11/22/86

Kevin Nealon: Did you know that as many as 12 million Americans cannot read a road map? That’s right, 12 million. Now, I’m guilty of it myself. I really am. I’m terrible with a map. Did you ever have somebody show you where to go on a map? Did you? It’s ridiculous, isn’t it? I mean, you know, they’re trying to show you — hold on a second here. All right, okay. [ Laughter ] Okay, all right. You know, they look at your map, and they say, “Okay, here’s where you want to go. All right. Okay, well, it’s not on this map. What you want to do, though, is you want to come off of route 84 over here. You want to cut over to route 23. You’ll see a big hotel over there and some you can’t miss it. Take the map, though, just in case you get lost.” Right? Like you’re gonna get halfway there and ask somebody else for directions. Excuse me, I’m a little lost. I’m right here now.

Goodnights: 05/24/80

Lorne Michaels: It had been my life for five years. And, you know, I’d given it, I think, I everything I had. So, on a certain level, I was relieved to not be doing it anymore. And at the same time, a big piece of my life was missing.

Tom Davis: We were expecting the show to end.
Weekend Update with Chevy Chase: 04/11/81

Al Franken: After five golden years, Lorne decided to leave. And so did those close to him, including me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] So, NBC had to pick a new producer. Now, most knowledgeable people, as you might imagine, hoped it would be me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] But, instead, without consulting the show’s staff or cast, NBC picked Jean Doumanian.

Lorne Michaels V/O: I got a call from Brandon. And he said that they were going to announce the next day that Jean was going to be taking over.

Laurie Zaks: Jean Doumanian was in charge of Talent at the time. She was booking the show.

Joe Piscopo: We just heard that the original cast was leaving, that the great Lorne Michaels was leaving, and that they’re sweeping the comedy clubs for new cast members for “Saturday Night Live.”
Who is Gilbert Gottfried?: 12/13/80

Announcer: Depressed, despondent, tormented and, by now, wandering the streets aimlessly, Gilbert caught wind that “Saturday Night Live” was scouring the land for performers.

Gilbert Gottfried: They had, like hundreds of, uh, videos on different comedians.

Gail Matthius: We auditioned for eight hours.
Virgin Search: 12/20/80

NBC Executive: I’m in power to offer you a contract with “Saturday Night Live.” Are you a fan of the show?

Gail Matthius: Ah sure am!

Gail Matthius: And the vibe in the waiting room – if looks could kill!
Virgin Search: 12/20/80

NBC Executive: There’s just one thing. Uh – you are a virgin, aren’t you?

Gail Matthius: [ excited ] I sure — [ realizes she’s not, tries to cover herself ] I, uh — [ NBC Executive turns away ] Wait!

Denny Dillon: I actually had six auditions. And the last time I auditioned, I said, “If you have me in again, I’m gonna charge a cover.”

Joe Piscopo: I can remember in the audition, I did: [ singing like Frank Sinatra ] “I don’t stand a ghost of a chance.”

Denny Dillon: For me, personally, I felt like my feet couldn’t touch the ground, because I had felt so excited.
James Brown performs “I Feel Good”: 12/13/80

James Brown: [ singing ]
“I feel good
I knew that I would
I feel good
I knew that I would.
So good!
So good!
I got you!”


Joe Piscopo V/O: Gail Matthius did a character that was the pre-cursor to any “Valley Girl” character.
Valley Girls at the Mall: 12/20/80

Vickie: God, I’m bored to the max!

Debbie: You want to go back to Hutton’s and try on the makeup at the counter?

Vickie: No way! I was just in there, and I was trying on some eye shadow, you know, and stuff? And, um, the lady comes up to me and goes, [ mimicking with a high-pitched squeal ] “May I help you?” [ rolls her eyes ] Rude City! I told her to bite the bag, and left.


Tim Kazurinsky: Joe Piscopo, Gilbert Gottfried, Gail Matthius, were very funny. Denny — they had some really terrific people.
What’s It All About?: 11/15/80

Pinky Waxman: Well, you know the one thing I love about Barbara?

Leo Waxman: What?

Pinky Waxman: She never got a nose job. [ to Elliot ] You know, my daughter, Jules? She wants one. I don’t know what to tell her sometimes. Maybe you could talk to her, Elliot.

[ Elliot Gould isn’t sure how to respond, so he takes a sip from his drink instead ]

Leo Waxman: Excuse me. Pinky, sweetheart, the man is a big celebrity —

Pinky Waxman: Very big.

He can’t talk to your daughter about a nose job!

Pinky Waxman: Of course, of course, he can’t!


Joe Piscopo V/O: Charlie Rocket, a very formidable character actor.
The Rocket Report: 11/22/80

Charles Rocket: Hi, Charles Rocket, on Fifth Avenue! We’re gonna meet some people that are total strangers. Let’s find out what they’re like. Will they be rude? Will they be warm? Will they be friendly? Will they be happy to see us? Well, we’re gonna find out in just a minute or two, as we actually go ahead and meet some total strangers.

[ cut to a later portion of the segment, as Charles approaches a Cuban couple on the street ] Tourists, are you?

Cuban Man: [speaks in Cuban, then translates ] It means, “How do you do?”

Charles Rocket: Okay, well, sounds like you’ve had a couple of drinks this afternoon, huh? [ chuckles ]

[ cut to a later portion of the segment, an elderly man listening to Charles Rocket ]

Charles Rocket: You’re on drugs right now, aren’t you? [ the man looks curiously at Charles Rocket ] You’re on drugs right now. You look like a drug taker, a typical — [ the man shakes his head ] You don’t take drugs?

Elderly Man: No.

Charles Rocket: Ever have?

Elderly Man: No. [ amused ]

Charles Rocket: Well, gee.. what gives you that look? That sort of “drug taker’s” look?

Elderly Man: Well, because I’m very happy.


Neil Levy: Eddie called me from the street – I don’t know, from a pay phone. And he just went on and on, and he just started making me laugh. So I figured, “You know what? I’ll have him in.” And he does a four-minute piece. And the talent was just shooting out of him. So, I took him to Jean, and she hired him as a featured player.
Weekend Update with Charles Rocket: 12/06/80

Raheem Abdul Mohammed: All I’m saying is that y’all stay on the hockey courts and the polo fields, and let us stay on the basketball courts. ‘Cause If God would have wanted whites to be equal to blacks, everybody’d have one of these. [ reaches under the desk and pulls up a boombox ]

David Sheffield: Just, “I don’t give a damn. I don’t care if you watch me or not.” You got the sense that nothing would frazzle him. ‘Cause everybody else was trying real hard. Eddie looked like he wasn’t trying at all, and he was doing it.
Elliot & Gail & Charles & Ann & Joe & Gilbert & Denny: 11/15/80

Denny Dillon: Live, from New York, it’s “Saturday Night!”
1980-81 opening montage

Denny Dillon: The first show, I got to say, “Live from New York!” That was a really, really, really thrilling moment. And somebody, a friend of mine, took my picture off the television, and I still have it.

David Sheffield V/O: They must have been terrified, pushed out there in front of millions of people, trying to inherit the mantle of these geniuses who’d gone before them.

Barry Blaustein: It was a different standard. So they didn’t have time to really nurture. And there was a pressure.
Queen performs “Under Pressure”: 09/25/82

Queen: [ singing ]
“Pressure
Pushing down on me
Pressing down on you
No man asked for
Under pressure
That burns a building down
Splits a family in two
Puts people on the streets –”


Barry Blaustein V/O: The rumors of Jean’s demise began after the first show.

David Sheffield: It was a very difficult time. Everybody second-guessing everybody. It wasn’t the feel-good disco ’70s anymore. It was the “Fuck You!” ’80s. [ laughs ]
It Just Doesn’t Matter: 03/07/81

Ann Risley: The press hasn’t been overly kind.

Bill Murray: Yeah, I read that stuff: “SaturdayNight Live is Saturday Night Dead.”

Cast: [groans, winces, looks uncomfortable] Oh,come on. Geez.

Bill Murray: “From Yuks to Yecch.” [cast groansand wretches as if in pain] My favorite, though, is”Vile from New York.”

Cast: [groans] Please, Bill.

Bill Murray: [genuinely amused] Come on! It’s funny, it’s funny.


Gilbert Gottfried: When it was announced that “Saturday Night Live” was going to be continuing with a whole new cast, this was an outrage. This would be telling people that, in the middle of Beatlemania, you were going to remove the Beatles and have a whole new group of Beatles.

Joe Piscopo: I don’t think anybody could have followed — I don’t think Chaplin could have followed the original “Saturday Night Live” cast.
Reagan’s Vice President: 01/17/81

Frank Sinatra: [ singing to himself ]
“Start shootin’ the press
Yeah, they’re just in the way.”

David Sheffield V/O: Joe Piscopo was a stand-out, because he was very versatile, and he was unintimidated by live TV.

Tim Kazurinsky: Joe was very hot, very fast.

Gary Kroeger: Piscopo — Joe Piscopo. What a great name!
It Just Doesn’t Matter: 03/07/81

Bill Murray: Are you gonna definitely stick with “Joe Piscopo” as your name?

Joe Piscopo: Well, I was born with it, Bill. You know, it’s my name.

Bill Murray: Wow. [ considers this fact ] Well, whatever.


Gary Kroeger: And he was a real working man’s comedian.
Three Stooges Self-Defense Class: 05/12/84

Curly: Hey, whaddya think of this, sista? [ slaps himself in the face and on the head a few times ] Ahh!

[ Curly then bounces his expansive stomach into the karate instructor’s stomach – “boing” sound effect. As he does, the impact causes the loose-fitting pants to slide down Joe Piscopo’s legs. Everyone in the sketch begins to laugh, as Piscopo struggles to pull his pants back up and Tim Kazurinsky ad-libs as Moe getting angry with Curly, swinging the iron menacingly. Naturally, Piscopo’s pants again fall to the floor. ]


David Sheffield V/O: We got no adult supervision. We got no instruction in how the show was run.

Gilbert Gottfried: She always struck me as the type of woman who would watch a Marx Brothers’ movie and go, “Well, I – I liked Margaret Dumont, but who are those weird gentlemen running around?”

Bob Tischler: She was put in, I think, an untenable position. Just to follow Lorne, to follow that first five years. It was such a strong cast, and such a strong writing staff. It was a very hard act to follow.
Cowboy Junkies perform “Sweet Jane”: 02/18/89

Cowboy Junkies: [ singing ]
“Anyone who’s ever had a heart
Wouldn’t turn around and break it
And anyone who’s ever played a part
Wouldn’t turn around and hate it
Sweet Jane
Sweet Jane
Oh, Sweet, Sweet Jane –”


Neil Levy V/O: It was so unhip. I mean, it came from being the hippest show in the world to just being the most unhip show.

Margaret Oberman: They were certainly not getting the caliber of, like, movie star hosts that they’d had. And that’s how you could sort of tell, you know, what the real estate value was.

Neil Levy: I heard that Madeline Kahn was doing “The Today Show.” And I went down, and she saw me, she remembered me, from the original show. She said, “Neil, how are you?” I said, “I’m great.” Kiss, kiss. “How’s it going? What are you up to?” I said, “Well, actually, I’m working on ‘Saturday Night Li–‘” [ laughs ] She literally was on her way – she was walking away. She knew exactly why I was there – she was gone.

Gilbert Gottfried: We did suck! Let’s – let’s not be — I can’t blame it all on – on the press. The show sucked!
King Kong Syndrome: 02/14/81

Police Officer: You all right, Miss?

Fay: Yeah, I’m all right. But your bullets have killed my date!

Neil Levy: Oh! You know, you’re-you’re-you’re reminding me — I’m starting — you know, my esophagus is going into spasm. It was — it was just — it got worse and worse. When Charlie Rocket said — you know, cursed, on the air.
Goodnights: 02/21/81

Charles Rocket: Oh man, that’s the first time I’ve been shot in my life. I’d like to know who the fuck did it.

[ most of the cast reacts with excited shock ]

Charlene Tilton: Okay! [ lets out an excited scream ]

Neil Levy: Jane Crowley, the censor, she said, “He said “Fuck!” Her face turned red, and that beehive — the little powder pigeon. I thought she was gonna leap over the console, and, like, pull the cables out with her teeth! And, uh, that’s when we started feeling like our days are numbered.

Gilbert Gottfried: It became a good excuse. Once again, people forget the fact that the “F” word slipped through on the original cast of the show. But because that show was doing better – you know, the hearing isn’t as good.
Fine Young Cannibals perform “She Drives Me Crazy”: 03/13/89

Fine Young Cannibals: [ singing ]
“She drives me crazy, ooh ooh
Like no one else, ooh ooh
She drives me crazy, and I can’t help myself, ooh ooh –“
Weekend Update with Chevy Chase: 04/11/81

Al Franken: Now, I don’t want to be cruel, to Jean — because it might make you think less of me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] Anyway, it took NBC twelve shows to figure out their horrendous mistake. And a month ago, they fired Jean.

Gilbert Gottfried: I kind of feel like, that season of “Saturday Night Live,” you could have gotten anybody off the street. You needed a sacrificial lamb. This would appease the gods and make it okay.

Tom Davis: That’s showbiz, you know. It’s not a good time unless somebody gets hurt.
Next: New Producer Cleans House

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Special: Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found

Automobile Club: 11/22/86

Kevin Nealon: And how about these mile scales, on the bottom? Have you ever tried to figure those out? They’re so inaccurate, because you have to do it with your fingers, you know? Because you don’t have a protractor in the car! So you get your fingers out, and you get 50, 60, 70 — by the time you get it up here, it’s like 7,000 miles! From your hotel to the supermarket. Maybe — maybe If you did it real fast. You know, 50, 60, 70. [ moves his fingers across the map very quickly ] And maybe, they oughta just draw a little thumb and finger down there, like there, like that.

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers perform “Change of Heart”: 02/19/83

Tom Petty: [ singing ]
“Oh yeah, oh boy
Looks like we finally reached a turning point
Oh me, oh my
Looks like it’s time for me to kiss you goodbye
Yeah, I can kiss you goodbye
There’s been a change
Girl, there’s been a change of heart.”


Dick Ebersol: After spending the long weekend in New York, watching the show secretly, it was worse than I thought it would be.

Gail Matthius: We got taken off the air. And everybody said, “Go away, go away for a month. We’ve gotta figure some things out.”

Gilbert Gottfried: Then, when you come back, we’ll tell you how we’ll be tweaking things. Doing it a little different.
Writer’s Script: 03/07/81

Author: “He chose his wife.”

[ the Jilted Husband shoots his wife – gun shot ]

Author: “She screamed –“

[ the Wife screams upon being shot ]

Author: “– and fell to the couch.”

[ she starts to fall away from the couch, but Mr. Lawnsdale pulls into the other direction and allows her to fall to the couch ]

Author: No, that’s no good. “Instead, he lets Old Man Lawnsdale have it.”

[ the Jilted Husband shoots Mr. Lawnsdale – gun shot ]

Author: Yeah, that’s it. “He, uh — Lawnsdale falls to the ground.”

[ Mr. Lawnsdale falls to the ground ]

Author: No, no, that’s no good. “He, uh — he, uh — falls backwards over the couch and slams his head through the Plate-Glass window.”

[ Mr. Lawnsdale looks toward the author like he’s insane, but complies with the storyline and sprawls across the edge of the couch and slams his head through the Plate-Glass window – glass shatters ]

Author: No, I don’t like that, either. “Instead, he staggers around the room, wildly, blindly.” [ Mr. Lawnsdale stands up and staggers ] “Finally, smashing against the bookcase, pulling the entire works of Leo Tolstoy down on his crumpled, lifeless body.”

[ Mr. Lawnsdale staggers into the bookcase, cradles the books into his arms and falls to the ground ]


Gail Matthius: And then we came back.

Joe Piscopo: And we heard, “Who’s coming in? We don’t know. Is Lorne coming back? What’s going on?” It was great. It was — it was turmoil!
Weekend Update with Chevy Chase: 04/11/81

Al Franken: Okay, now, who do they pick to rectify the original error? Someone who knows what he’s doing? Someone like me, Al Franken? [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] No, they picked Dick Ebersol.

Dick Ebersol: There was no chance whatsoever for resurrecting anything resembling “Saturday Night Live”, unless it had Lorne’s approval.

Lorne Michaels: Dick called me and asked if we could have dinner. And, uh, he said that Brandon had talked to him. We sat and we talked, and he said that he thought he wanted to do it. And how would I feel about it? And I said, “My first reaction would be that it would be all right.”

Barry Blaustein V/O: He got Lorne’s blessing, which opened up all the old stars —
Vomitng For Good Luck: 10/31/81
Father Guido Sarducci’s Monologue: 01/14/84
Big Star Eddie Murphy: 01/22/83

Lily Tomlin: “Live from New York, it’s “The Lily Tomlin Show!” [ Eddie Murphy’s arm tugs her back into the hall ]
Weekend Update with Chevy Chase: 04/11/81

Chevy Chase: [ talking into the phone ] I think just a firm and gentle tug on the string, and it — [ looks at the camera, quickly hangs up ]

Barry Blaustein V/O: — and all the old writers. Suddenly, Marilyn Miller was in the office, and Alan Zweibel — all happy to, you know, help out. So it was brilliant. If Jean had done that, it would have changed history.
Weekend Update with Chevy Chase: 04/11/81

Al Franken: I know Dick, and I can tell you that he doesn’t know dick. [ laughter and applause ] Okay. Now, the show is going to be.. a little better. No English-speaking person could do a worse job than Jean.

Barry Blaustein: Dick Ebersol came in, we did one show. But then, there was a writers’ strike.

Dick Ebersol: That was the profound miracle of that first period. Because it was very important to me that the show stop, so that it could re-tool and get new people.

Joe Piscopo: Cut to 17th floor. Bang — everybody getting axed.

Gail Matthius: We had individual meetings with Dick Ebersol. We went in one at a time.

Gilbert Gottfried: You know, it’s always like — “This is always worse for me than it is for you. This hurts me so much more. I’ll have a job. I’ll be making money. You won’t. But it hurts me more.”
Bruce Hornsby & The Range perform “The Way It Is”: 01/31/87

Bruce Hornsby: [ singing ]
“Standing in line marking time waiting for the welfare dime
‘Cause they can’t buy a job
Man in the silk suit hurries by
As he catches the poor old lady’s eyes
Just for fun he says, “get a job.”

That’s just the way it is
Some things never change
That’s just the way it is
That’s just the way it is.”


Barry Blaustein V/O: There was a total housecleaning. Dick came in, and he fired everyone — except David, myself, Pam Norris, Eddie Murphy and Joe Piscopo.

Bob Tischler: It was a way of basically making the show our own, rather than just inheriting Jean’s staff.

Joe Piscopo: And they bring Eddie and I before Mr. Ebersol. And Dick says, “I think we’re gonna keep you guys around.”

Tim Kazurinsky: Dick sent Joe and Eddie to Chicago, thinking, “They need some training.” So they both slept on my floor, and we went to do the shows at Second City.

Joe Piscopo: And we came back with some of the Second City guys. And that’s when we started to move.
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