Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 2

95b: Chevy Chase / Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories

Lobotol

Narrator…..Nancy Walls
Katie…..Cheri Oteri
Designer…..Cindy Caponera
Head Designer…..Will Ferrell
Designer/Announcer…..Darrell Hammond
Designer…..Dennis McNicholas
Designer…..Lori Nasso

FADE IN:

[ INT. CLOTHING DESIGN FIRM ]

[ KATIE, a 30-something career woman, comes in and shakes hands with our NARRATOR. ]

Narrator: I remember the day Katie came to work at Blair Fashion. We clicked right away! What a little pistol she was!! So much energy!

[ Katie guides the seamstresses in the factory. ]

Narrator (V/O): Sometimes she’d create two, or even three, dresses in one day.

[ The narrator peeks over to Katie in mild scorn, who’s working to little or no difficulty. ]

Narrator: She made quite an impression on our head designer.

[ Katie presents a dress design to the board. The narrator grimaces as the head designer and his colleagues laud Katie’s creation. ]

Narrator: It’s hard to keep up with Katie.

[ The narrator taps her wristwatch at Katie’s desk to indicate lunchtime to Katie as the large clock behind her displays 11:55 AM. Katie politely declines. ]

Narrator (V/O): After a while, she got too busy to have lunch with me.

[ The large clock displays 10:17 PM. The cleaning woman buffers the floor. Katie’s still hammering away at her desk. ]

Narrator (V/O): She was kind of making us all look bad…

[ Katie takes measurements on a model wearing her design. A migraine hits Katie. ]

Narrator (V/O): One day I noticed Katie really stressed out.

[ Katie massages her forehead. ]

Narrator: That’s when I suggested Lobotol.

[ CLOSE-UP: HAND DISPENSING “LOBOTOL” ]

[ SUPER: NO NEED TO CONSULT A PHYSICIAN BEFORE USE. ]

[ The narrator holds Katie’s hand holding two Lobotol pills to her mouth until she swallows them. Katie gives in. ]

Narrator: My husband gave it to me when he thought I was asking too many questions… it practically saved our marriage.

[ SUPER: THREE WEEKS LATER… ]

Narrator (V/O): A few weeks later, Katie was much better!

[ The narrator is wearing a more elite business suit and giving directions to the employees. ]

Narrator: Thanks to Lobotol, not only did I get my friend back, but I also got a raise! Careful, Katie!

[ Katie is covered in tulle from head to toe. She scans the room with a vacant mind. ]

[ DISPLAY: LOBOTOL ]

[ SUPER: USE ONLY AS RECOMMENDED BY A “FRIEND” ]

Announcer: Lobotol – now available without a prescription.

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 2

95b: Chevy Chase / Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories

Chevy Chase’s Monologue

…..Chevy Chase

Chevy Chase: Thank you very much. It’s great to be back here. You know, tonight is just four days short of being 20 years to the day that I opened the first show by saying, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.” It holds a lot of memories for me.. and I’m nostalgic. There are a lot of ghosts in this studio. [ reflecting ] I can remember that first night, when I was over there on Stage 3 with John and Michael O’Donoghue.. we were getting ready to do the opening, and I remember Gilda was standing over here.. Jane.. and Danny and Garrett were over there, and, uh.. Laraine was in her costume, and it was just unbelievable. I was backstage over here. And, uh.. [ removes his glasses ] ..My heart was pounding, and I remember thinking at that moment, “This is a dream come true.” It was a great, great time.. And I remember the song.. that wonderful song, “When You Wish Upon a Star”.. uh.. as sung by Jiminy Cricket..

[ puts on his Jiminy Cricket face and sings ]
“When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are.
When you wish upon a star
Your dreams come true.”

Thank you! Thank you very much! We’ve got a great show for you tonight, Lisa Loeb is here, and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 2

95b: Chevy Chase / Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories

The NFL on NBC

Bob Costas…..Darrell Hammond
Mike Ditka…..David Koechner
O.J. Simpson…..Tim Meadows
Marv Levy…..Will Ferrell

[ title animation plays on the screen ]

Announcer: This is “The NFL on NBC.” For week 6, with Bob Costas.

[ dissolve to Bob Costas in the game booth ]

Bob Costas: Good afternoon, everybody. I’m Bob Costas, and we’ve got a full slate of games for you. And! With me, as always – Mike Ditka. [ wide shot reveals Mike Ditka in the booth with Bob Costas ]

Mike Ditka: Good to see you, Bob.

Bob Costas: Those of you on the East Coast, you’ll be getting our featured game – the New York Jets visiting the Buffalo Bills. And! Reporting from the sidelines in Bridge Stadium today, back with us once again – O.J. Simpson. Juice. Juice, welcome back.

[ cut to O.J. Simpson standing on the sidelines, holding up his microphone with a gloved hand ]

O.J. Simpson: Yeah, well, thanks, Bob! Well, the Jets — [ the audience cheers wildly ] Well, as you know, Bob, well, the Jets, they’ve gotten off to a rough start. But you’ve gotta throw off the one-loss record, because there is no love lost between these two teams! [ O.J. nonchalantly waves his other hand to reveal a missing glove ]

Bob Costas: Okay. By the way, O.J. We’re all sorry about your.. year-and-a-half incarceration.

O.J. Simpson: Yeah, well, thanks, Bob. And, by the way, if anyone knows, or has any information about the identity of the murderer, just call 1-600-MURDER. It’s important that we find the murderer — [ the audience cheers wildly again ] It’s important that we find the murderer. After all, if I didn’t do it, that means someone else did. Alright, well, the teams are almost ready to take the field, and, Bob, they look pretty pumped. Right now, I’ve got Bills coach Marv Levy here. [ Marv Levy steps forward ] Marv, you guys are 3-1 – you must be feeling real good right now.

Marv Levy: [ nervous about being interviewed by O.J. ] Uh.. sure, we feel okay.

O.J. Simpson: Now, Marv, the last time you guys played the Jets, you really killed them! I mean, you guys really went for the jugular!

Marv Levy: Well.. we did win the game..

O.J. Simpson: Yeah, but you know, these two teams, they have a long ugly history. It was only a matter of time before you destroyed them. A lot of people saw this coming for a long time. I mean, all the warning signs were there!

Marv Levy: [ confused ] What?

O.J. Simpson: Well, you know, like you were out of control, or something. You guys were hitting late. You commited one crazy face mask penalty, but.. you got away with it. It was like you just put aside the rules and put matters into your own hands. Like, it was the kind of brutalizing effort that must have made you feel good, but kinda bad, too.

Marv Levy: Uh.. uh.. I-I-I wouldn’t say that, I don’t think..

O.J. Simpson: But, you know, who could blame you? You guys were on a frenzy! I mean, once the adrenaline gets going, you’re not responsible for your actions! Oh, by the way – did you black out at any time?

Marv Levy: I-I’m sorry..?

O.J. Simpson: Now, in the second half, it was brutal! I mean, it was the kind of game where, afterwards, you just want to take off your uniform and dump ’em in a duffel bag, and just get rid of ’em before you catch the Red out of Chicago.

Marv Levy: Uh, we-we never played Chicago..

O.J. Simpson: Well, whatever. But, I guess the real question is: Marv, you beat the Jets, but, in a weird way, do you still love ’em?

Marv Levy: Uh.. I-I can’t answer that, O.J.

O.J. Simpson: Alright, guys, you got any comments?

Mike Ditka: Yeah, sorry we didn’t make it to your, uh, Not Guilty barbecue, O.J., but we’re, uh, glad to have you back on the sidelines and not in the booth.

O.J. Simpson: Okay, well, let’s go the telestrater now. Here’s a play that your offense has been going over a lot this year. [ takes out pen and draws on telestrater ] Now, you lined up your halfback right behind your quarterback — [ draws a line going up on the center of the upper part of the screen ( I ) ] — your tight end has been running a curl pattern — [ draws a line going down and around on the far right center of the screen ( d ) ] — Now, when Kelly fakes play action, the defense is frozen.. [ on the bottom right of the screen, he draws a line going up and a line going across it for the block ( T )] — allowing you a Wide open to be open on the other side — [ draws a squiggly pattern on the far left center of the screen ( d ) ] — opening a hole in the middle.. [ draws a line on the bottom of the screen ( I ) ] — and a seam on the left — [ draws final line in the middle ( I ), spelling the words “I DID IT” on the telestrater ]

Marv Levy: [ stunned, appalled and scared ] I really gotta go! I gotta go! [ runs away ]

O.J. Simpson: Okay! Well, I’ll just watch from a distance, alright?

[ cut to Bob Costas in the booth ]

Bob Costas: O.J., O.J. Why don’t you just.. come.. right out and say it?

O.J. Simpson: Alright. It hurts to admit this, but, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 2

95b: Chevy Chase / Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories

Prom Flashback

Jimbo…..Will Ferrell
Deb…..Cheri Oteri

[ open on Married Couple in their living room, watching TV and making small talk ]

Jimbo: The kids asleep, honey?

Deb: Sound asleep. Oh, Jim, I need you to take Tommy to practice tomorrow, okay?

Jimbo: Okay. Oh.. don’t forget my mother, she’s coming over to dinner Friday.

Deb: Oh. Right.

Jimbo: Did you get the car fixed?

Deb: Yes. It was a lot less than I thought it would be.

Jimbo: Oh, good.. good..

[ slow zoom to pictures on the endtable next to the sofa – camera zooms closer to an old photo of Jim and Debbie, awkwardly dressed, but seemingly happy, at their High School Prom ]

[ flash cut to the High School Prom, fifteen years earlier, as Jim and Debbie pose for that very picture ]

Voice of Photographer: Got it! These will be ready in about two weeks.

Jimbo: Alright, thanks! [ Debbie storms away from the crowd, so he follows ] What’s the matter?

Deb: Nothing!

Jimbo: Deb, I love you, what’s wrong?

Deb: I said nothing, Jimbo, alright?

Jimbo: Come on, Deb! What did I do?

Deb: Okay! How about, I’m the only girl at the Prom wearing a wrist corsage instead of a beautiful bouquet to go with my white taffeta one-of-a-kind gown!

Jimbo: I thought you’d like it! It’s called a “nosebud”!

Deb: Try “nosegay”, ass-and-a-half! And why would you think I would like it! No one else is wearing one! Everyone’s staring at me! Everyone thinks.. oh, my God.. you didn’t even pick it out, did you? [ Jim lowers his head ] Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Jimbo: My Mom did! She loves you, and I didn’t want to get the wrong thing! Damn!

Deb: Oh, my God!

Jimbo: God! [ punches the air around him ]

Deb: Oh, my God!

Jimbo: Damn! [ punches the air ]

Deb: Excuse me, Rocky Balboa, but I’m embarrassed enough as it is!You cause a scene, and you’re dead! [ music starts to play ] Oh, great! One of my favorite songs!

Jimbo: Come on, Deb, let’s dance.

Deb: No!

Jimbo: Come on, Deb, I love you, let’s dance!

Deb: Okay..

[ they return to the crowd and begin to dance The Robot, despite everyone else dancing normally. Deb starts to cry, then stops dancing. ]

Jimbo: What’s the matter?

Deb: Nothing!

Jimbo: Deb, I love you, what’s wrong?

Deb: Don’t you have any idea what next week is?

Jimbo: Spinks vs. Ali.

Deb: Smooth move, Ex-Lax Perm! Try my birthday!

Jimbo: I know! I was just kidding! You didn’t give me a chance to say “Psyche!” And, besides, I already got my foxy lady a great gift, and I bet you can’t guess what it is.

Deb: I know what it isn’t.

Jimbo: What?

Deb: Try a rabbit fur coat!

Jimbo: [ upset ] Aw, that’s not what Linda said to get!

Deb: Oh, my God! You listened to Linda?!! I’ve only been mad at her for three weeks! You think she’s gonna tell you what I really want?!! Donkeyboy, everybody knows that she’s jealous of me because I’m a fox and she’s not! All she wants to do is copy me! Copy me! Jim, so what did you get me?

Jimbo: [ hesitant ] I..

Deb: Oh, my God! Not another cow neck? [ Jim lowers his head ] Oh, my God! Oh, my god! Oh, my God! I only have 16, butt-wipe! Jimbo, why would you listen to Linda?

Jimbo: I don’t know..

Deb: You never talk to Linda! You don’t even like her.. oh.. my.. God! That’s it. You like her. You like her..

Jimbo: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I cannot even believe you’d say that! Oh, my God!

Deb: You like her.

Jimbo: Oh, my God!

Deb: You like her.

Jimbo: Oh, my God!

Deb: I’m sorry, Jimbo! I’m sorry! Now I wish I were dead!

Jimbo: No! Oh, my God! Don’t even say that!

Deb: No, Jimbo, it’s true! I want to O.D. on my mother’s valium right now!

Jimbo: Oh, my God, you’re scaring me! I love you!

Deb: I love you!

Jimbo: It’ll be okay!

Deb: I love you, Jimbo! Oh, God! [ music starts to play ] Oh, great.. another one of my favorite songs!

Jimbo: Come on, future rabbit fur owner. Let’s dance!

[ they return to the dance floor to perform more Robot-like dance moves – until Deb walks away from the floor again ]

Jimbo: Deb, what’s wrong? [ she smiles ] Why are you smiling like that?

Deb: Jimbo, there’s something I want to tell you. Wait a second.. [ she applies lipstick, the tosses back her hair ]

Jimbo: Deb, you look just like Farrah Fawcett when you do that.

Deb: I know! Jimbo, I love you.. more than I could ever love anyone.. and tonight, after the Prom, I’m ready to show you just how much!

Jimbo: Oh, my God, Deb! Are you serious!

Deb: Yes, Jimbo! Tonight.. I want to give you a B.J.!

Jimbo: [ ecstatic ] Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

[ Jimbo grabs Deb as they dance into the night ]

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 3


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 21st, 1995

David Schwimmer

Natalie Merchant

None

Adam McKay

Lisa Kudrow

Jennifer Aniston

Gary Coleman

Barry Williams

Jimmie Walker

Jim Downey

Colin Quinn
ABC News Special ReportSummary: Cokie Roberts (Nancy Walls) covers the action at the Washington, D.C. frat boy march staged by Darius Rucker (Tim Meadows).

Recurring Characters: Peter Jennings, Cokie Roberts, Charlie Sheen.

Montage

David Schwimmer’s MonologueSummary: Lisa Kudrow, Jennifer Aniston, Gary Coleman, Barry Williams and Jimmy Walker surprise David Schwimmer by singing their respective theme songs to support for their friend’s big night hosting SNL.

Transcript

Grayson Moorhead Securities ISummary: Arthur Grayson (Jim Downey) outlines his investment principles, including keeping a list of how much money each client has invested and to feign listening to the client.

Recurring Characters: Arthur Grayson.

Transcript

Kids vs. GrownupsSummary: Game show host (David Schwimmer) favors the adults, and that’s tough cookies for the kids.

Transcript

Grayson Moorhead Securities IISummary: Arthur Grayson (Jim Downey) outlines more of his investment principles, including what to do if his wife cals while he’s shagging his secretary.

Recurring Characters: Arthur Grayson.

Transcript

Rita DelVecchioSummary: Italian mom Rita DelVecchio (Cheri Oteri) claims the toys thrown onto her porch by neighborhood kids as her own.

Recurring Characters: Rita DelVecchio.

Note: When Rita gets the hockey net tangled in her dress, Cheri Oteri accidentally mutters, “Look at this shit.”

Fuzzy MemoriesSummary: Jack Handey recalls the Thanksgiving his parents told him they couldn’t afford to buy a turkey.

Transcript

The ElevatorSummary: A businessman (David Schwimmer) seeks a normal ride up the elevator, only to find that his fellow passengers exhibit odd behaviors once the doors close.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Jim Breuer re-enacts his recent bar fight. Indian chief John Two Eagles Flying (Will Ferrell) comments on the Cleveland Indians performance at the World Series.

Natalie Merchant performs “Wonder”Lyrics

SecretsSummary: A group of friends are dismayed to learn their buddy Pete’s (Darrell Hammond) secrets while waiting to surprise him in his apartment.

Spade in AmericaSummary: Jennifer Aniston is nonplussed by David Spade’s Hollywood Minute style jokes about “Friends.”

Slim ShannonSummary: Shannon (Nancy Walls), a slim clothing clerk, acts insensitively to her plus-sized customers.

Natalie Merchant performs “Carnival”

Triumph PerformersSummary: Their disabilities won’t stop a group of performers from being in show business.

GoodnightsSummary: David Schwimmer makes Cheri Oteri put a dollar in the Swear Jar for cursing during the Rita DelVecchio sketch.

Transcript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: 1995-1996


]]>

Starring:

Jim Breuer

Will Ferrell

Darrell Hammond

David Koechner

Norm MacDonald

Mark McKinney

Tim Meadows

Cheri Oteri

Molly Shannon

David Spade

Nancy Walls

Featuring:

Chris Kattan (first: 03/16/96)

Colin Quinn

Fred Wolf

Episodes

09/30/95: Mariel Hemingway / Blues Traveler

10/07/95: Chevy Chase / Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories

10/21/95: David Schwimmer / Natalie Merchant

10/28/95: Gabriel Byrne / Alanis Morissette

11/11/95: Quentin Tarantino / The Smashing Pumpkins

11/18/95: Laura Leighton / Rancid

12/02/95: Anthony Edwards / Foo Fighters

12/09/95: David Alan Grier / Silverchair

12/16/95: Madeline Kahn / Bush

01/13/96: Christopher Walken / Joan Osborne

01/20/96: Alec Baldwin / Tori Amos

02/10/96: Danny Aiello / Coolio

02/17/96: Tom Arnold / Tupac Shakur

02/24/96: Elle MacPherson / Sting

03/16/96: John Goodman / Everclear

03/23/96: Phil Hartman / Gin Blossoms

04/13/96: Steve Forbes / Rage Against The Machine

04/20/96: Teri Hatcher / Dave Matthews Band

05/11/96: Christine Baranski / The Cure

SummaryAfter 20 years of laughs, SNL seemed on hard times, having fallen into the trap of predictable and uninspired comedy. Producer Lorne Michaels was left with no choice but to rebuild his cast – something he hadn’t done for almost ten seasons, but needed to do fast.

Of the 1994 cast, Kevin Nealon finally retired after nine seasons, while cast members Adam Sandler and Chris Farley were released of their contracts and allowed to venture to Hollywood to produce and star in overhyped movie vehicles. Lorne even fired the much underused Tim Meadows, but decided to rehire him at the last minute in order to balance the cast. A lucky move for Meadows, who finally started appearing in more sketches this era than he did the last.

Holding on to Tim Meadows and three other cast members (Norm MacDonald, Mark McKinney and David Spade), as well as one promising featured player (Molly Shannon), Lorne brought in six new performers (Jim Breuer, Will Ferrell, Darrell Hammond, David Koechner, Cheri Oteri and Nancy Walls) who would bring unpredictable comedy back to the show. This season’s “Wake Up & Smile” sketch is perhaps the greatest evidence of that claim.

They take a little getting used to, but this group proved to be the start of a new direction for SNL.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 1


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


September 30th, 1995

Mariel Hemingway

Blues Traveler

None

Beth McCarthy-Miller

Lorne Michaels

Steve Higgins

Adam McKay
O.J. TodaySummary: Bill McDonald (Will Ferrell) and the O.J. coverage gang segue to footage of Johnnie Cochran (Tim Meadows) dissuading use of the “evidence card” during the O.J. Simpson trial.

Recurring Characters: Bill McDonald, Johnnie Cochran, Robert Shapiro, F. Lee Bailey, Barry Scheck, Judge Lance Ito.

Transcript

MontageNote: Prince (during the time he changed his name to a symbol) was scheduled as musical guest, but he backed out at the last minute.

Mariel Hemingway’s MonologueSummary: Mariel Hemingway introduces viewers to the new cast of “Saturday Night Live”, focusing her attention on all the women and planting them with kisses.

Transcript

A.M. AleSummary: Why wait until the afternoon, when you start your morning off right.

Transcript

Get Off The Shed!Summary: Dad Frank Henderson (Will Ferrell) threatens kids during backyard barbecue.

Recurring Characters: Frank Henderson

Transcript

NightlineSummary: Colin Powell (Tim Meadows) gloats over Bob Dole (Norm MacDonald) during “Nightline” interview with Ted Koppell (Darrell Hammond).

Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel, Bob Dole.

Transcript

Leg Up!Summary: Elizabeth Berkeley (Hemingway) shocks hosts Ann Miller (Molly Shannon) and Debby Reynolds (Cheri Oteri) with a pole dance demonstration.

Recurring Characters: Debbie Reynolds, Ann Miller.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Nancy Walls reads a handful of news stories that elicit sad head-shaking from herself and Norm MacDonald.

Blues Traveler performs “Run-Around”

The TelephoneSummary: A housewife (Mariel Hemingway) asks her husband (Will Ferrell) to help get her off the phone with talkative relatives, but his attempts border more on creepy and disturbing than helpful.

Transcript

Spade in AmericaSummary: David Spade makes snide comments about the Unabomber and no-show musical guest, Prince.

A&E BiographySummary: Host Jack Perkins (Darrell Hammond) offers the biography of Mariel Hemingway, who won her “Central Park West” role in favor of an acting quartet.

Recurring Characters: Jack Perkins.

Fuzzy Memories

Blues Traveler performs “Hook”

The Chicken Lady ShowSummary: The Chicken Lady (Mark McKinney) engage in discussion with other fetishists.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

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Good Morning, Brooklyn!

Angela Toochie…..Courtney Cox
James Barone…..Jay Mohr
Anthony…..Michael McKean
Angelo…..Adam Sandler
Molly Fahey…..Molly Shannon
Hot Dog Vendor…..Chris Farley

James Barone: Hi, hello, and welcome to “Good Morning, Brooklyn!” I’m your host, James Barone. How ARE ya, Brooklyn?! Huh?!

Angela Toochie: Good morning, Brooklyn! I’m Angela Toochie!

James Barone: Oh, yeah, I forgot – that’s my co-host, Angeler!

Angela Toochie: Yeah, don’t me any favors, alright? I can introduce myself!

James Barone: See, Angeler’s a little ticked off, because I didn’t mention nothin’ about her gettin’ engaged. Yawn!

Angela Toochie: Aw, don’t be an ass, James, alright! Let’s get started!

James Barone: Shut up! First off, this morning, our friend Ant’ny’s gonna come out and tell us what the weather report is!

Angela Toochie: Come on out, Ant’ny!

[ Anthony appears at the weather map ]

Anthony: Hey! How ya doin’, James? Hey! Congratulations, Angela, he’s a lucky bastard! Let’s have a look at that ring again, huh!

Angela Toochie: Yeah! Could we get a close-up of that!

James Barone: Oh, shut up!

Angela Toochie: No, you shut up!

James Barone: No, you shut up!

Angela Toochie: No, you shut up!

James Barone: No, you–

[ cut to few seconds of “Please Stand By” graphic ]

James Barone: Okay.. okay, we’re back now. Now, we’re back. Alright, Ant’ny, now you were about to tell us what the weather report was like.

Anthony: What, outside? Oh.. it ain’t good, James, it’s hot as a bastard!

James Barone: A’ight. A’ight, Ant’ny, how ’bout tomorrow?

Anthony: Uh, tomorrow’s also gonna be hotter than a bastard!

Angela Toochie: All over the country?

Anthony: No, no.. See, Angela – see, every part of the country’s got what they call their own weather system. Like, up in Canada, it’s cold as a bastard! Out in Seattle, it rains like bastard! Down in Texas, it’s muggy as a bastard! I gotta go.

Angela Toochie: Ant’ny, where you going?

Anthony: I’m done!

Angela Toochie: Alright, fine! Then let’s bringout our old friend Angelo, with a new segment we got, called “Beatin’ of the Week”.

James Barone: A’ight, here’s how it goes, Brooklyn. Angelo tells us who needs a beatin’ this week, you give him that beatin’, you win a awesome prize, alright! Angelo! Come on out, bro!

[ Angelo storms into the set, still yelling at someone outside the studio ]

Angelo: No, no, no – you suck my ass! [ sits next to James ] Morning there, James. Congratulations, Angela, lemme see that ring thing. [ Angela holds out her hand ] Oh, my God! Anthony told me that thing was bigger than a bastard!

James Barone: Alright, enough with the ring, now, come on – Angelo, who’s gettin’ a beatin’ this week, and why?

Angelo: I don’t know his name, but he works at a concession stand outside the aquarium. I think we got a picture of him.

[ picture shows an obese hot dog vendor, posed like he’s staring into oncoming headlights ]

James Barone: Oh, God!

Angela Toochie: Look at that mutt!

James Barone: Oh, now that guy needs a beatin’!

Angela Toochie: Now, what did this fat bastard do to serve his beatin?!

Angelo: I pull up to the aquarium, I’m in my brand-new Z-28 IROC, and this tub of lard goes up to me, “You know what IROC stands for?” I says, “No.” He says, “Italian Retard Out Cruisin'”.

Angela Toochie: He said that?!

Angelo: He said it to me!!

James Barone: Oh, my God, that guy deserves a beatin’!

Angela Toochie: Alright, Brooklyn, you keep your eye out for that hump! He’s your beatin’ of the week!

James Barone: Alright, that’s right! First person to put this stugatz in the hospital wins free sausage and peppers, courtesy of.. Pollianella & Sons Little Red House of Sausage & Peppers. And we got a special thanks goin’ out to St. Rita’s Hospital on Livonia Ave. for donatin’ the room and the IV for this week’s Beatin’ of the Week!

Angela Toochie: Alright, thanks, Angelo!

James Barone: Alright, now it’s time to go down to the street for today’s Trivia Question, with our rovin’ reporter Molly Fahey.

Angela Toochie: Talk to us, Molly!

Molly Fahey: Hi, guys!

James Barone: Hey, Molly, let me ask you something – I’ve been thinkin’, right? Fehey – that ain’t an Italian name, is it?

Molly Fahey: Mmm.. no, but it’s Catholic.

James Barone: A’ight, good enough. A’ight, Molly, do your stuff!

Molly Fahey: A’ight. [ approaches Hot Dog Vendor ] Uh.. excuse me, sir..

Hot Dog Vendor: Hi, how are ya?

Molly Fahey: Good. I’m Molly Fahey, from “Good Morning, Brooklyn!” and today’s Trivia Question-

James Barone: [ excited ] Oh, my God! Molly!

Angela Toochie: That’s the fat bastard!!

James Barone: Molly!! Oh, my god!!

Angela Toochie: That’s him!!

James Barone: Molly! Can you hear me?! That guy’s the Beatin’ of the Week!

Molly Fahey: [ excited ] No kidding! What’s the prize?!

Angela Toochie: Sausage and peppers at Pollianella’s!

Hot Dog Vendor: Good morning, Brooklyn! [ laughs ] How are ya! Hey, ya got some kinda question to ask me, or what?

Molly Fahey: Uh.. yeah, I do! [ gives Hot Dog Vendor the Beatin’ of the Week ] Bring on the sausage and peppers, James – I think I killed the fat bastard!

James Barone: You did beootyful, Molly – beootyful!

Angela Toochie: Yeah, congratulations! And, don’t worry, we’ll have that trivia question for ya’s tomorrow!

Molly Fahey: Alright, thanks, youse guys!

Angela and James: No! Fuggetaboutit!

Angela Toochie: Alright, that’s all the time we got!

James Barone: Join us tomorrow on “Good Morning, Brooklyn!” Mr. Meatball is stopping by, he’s gonna show us how to make Turkey Meatballs! And, by the way, Angela – okay, you win. I must say congratulations on your happiness.

Angela Toochie: Ah, shut up!

James Barone: You shut up!

Angela Toochie: No, you shut up!

[ cue up title card, fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

Gapardy

Debbie Luciano…..Courtney Cox
Lucy…..Adam Sandler
Kristy…..David Spade
Cindy…..Chris Farley

Announcer: And now, it’s time for “Gapardy”. With your host, the former Gap Girl, and now manager of Urban Outfitters in Shreveport, Louisiana, Debbie Luciano!

Debbie Luciano: Hi, and welcome to “Gapardy” – the show that’s a lot like “Jeopardy”, except all our contestants work at.. The Gap. Now, before we start, let’s meet our players.

Lucy: My name’s Lucy Brawn, I work at the Gap store 214. I’m from Sunnyvale, California, my favorite band is Green Day! Yeah!!

Debbie Luciano: Okay, that sounds good. By the way – nice facial hair, you look like Tom Selleck.

Lucy: [ offended laughter ] Yeah, well.. you.. look like his friend who.. used to be in the helicopter..

Debbie Luciano: That’s a good comeback. Why don’t you have another Slim Jim? Alright, so who do we have here?

Kristy: My name is Kristy Anderson, and I’m from Tempe, Arizona, and I work at Gap store 214 with Lucy, and my favorite band is Pearl Jam! Rock on!

Debbie Luciano: Yeah! What do you guys sell over there at store 214, acid-washed jeans and stuff?

Kristy: Uh.. easy, cheesie. I think you’re confusing us with Merry-Go-Round. [ laughs ] By the way, Debbie, nice fake blue contacts.

Debbie Luciano: Oh, I hate to break it to ya, but they’re real!

Kristy: Fake.

Debbie Luciano: Real!

Kristy: Fake!

Debbie Luciano: Real!

Kristy: Hazel!

Debbie Luciano: Blue!

Kristy: Hazel!

Debbie Luciano: Try Sapphire, alright? Alright, our third contestant-

Kristy: Hazel!

Debbie Luciano: Sapphire!! Alright, keep it down, Slim-Jim. Alright, now it says here that your name is “Cindy Crawford”?

Cindy: Uh.. yeah.. well, not the Cindy Crawford.

Kristy: Oh, really? Are you sure?

Cindy: Shut up, Kristy!

Debbie Luciano: Alright, now, Cindy, you also work at the Gap?

Kristy: She used to, but she defected.

Cindy: Uhhh.. it is true – I omce worked at the.. Ca-rap! But, uh.. I now work at Jitters – it’s a coffee shop – and they call it Jitters, ’cause that’s what you do after you drink there! [ laughs at herself ]

Kristy: Really? Do you also have dinner at a place called Get Sweaty? ‘Cause that’s what you do after you eat! [ laughs back ]

Cindy: You are!

Kristy: [ confused ] What?

Lucy: [ weeping ] You guys, could you stop fighting, it’s scaring me..!

Debbie Luciano: Hey, can we shut up for a minute, alright?! This isn’t “Family Feud”! alright, let’s hear our categories – they are: “Whatever”, “Would You?”, “Famous Skanks”, “Cinch It”, “History of Scrunchies”, “I’m Just Telling You What I Heard”, and “Native Americans”. Alright, now, remember, you’re playing for an all-expense paid weekend in Monte Blanc for Spring Break. Alright, you’re ready, Lucy? you start.

Lucy: I’ll take “I’m Just Telling You What I Heard” for $100.

Debbie Luciano: “Is Rwanda a country, a talk show, or a nightclub in L.A.?”

Lucy: A nightclub. I know that, because my friend got hit by a can there and lost her shoe.

Debbie Luciano: I’m sorry, that’s incorrect – it’s a country.

Lucy: I’m just telling you what I heard!

Debbie Luciano: Alright, Kristy, your turn.

Kristy: Hmm.. I guess I’ll take “Whatever” for $100.

Debbie Luciano: Okay. “Your last boyfriend, Dan, said you were ‘A carpenter’s dream – flat as a board and easy to nail.'”

Kristy: What..ever!

Debbie Luciano: Ooh, I’m sorry, that’s very close. It’s “Whatever!“

Kristy: [ mocking ] Whatever!

Debbie Luciano: Exactly. Okay, Miss Crawford, your turn. No scores yet.

Cindy: Hmm.. I’ll take..

Lucy: A big piece of cake – for free! [ laughs ]

Cindy: As I was saying.. I’ll take.. um.. “Native Americans” for $400. That’s right! That’s what I said!

Debbie Luciano: Okay. “In 1838, the Cherokee tribe set up its capitol in this Oklahoma village.”

Cindy: Oh, uh.. uh.. Germany. No, wait – Rwanda..

Debbie Luciano: Nope. Anyone else? Lucy?

Lucy: Please.

Debbie Luciano: Kristy?

Kristy: [ chuckles ] Not quite, Termite.

Debbie Luciano: Alright, the answer is Tahlequah. Yes – Tahlequah. Well, then, Lucy, it’s back to you – come on, you pick a category.

Lucy: It’s about time. “Famous Skanks” for $100.

Debbie Luciano: Okay. “Pamela Anderson is best known for-

[ buzzer ]

Debbie Luciano: Okay, we’re out of time, and the score is.. zero, zero, zero. Oh, that’s a first. Alright, how can we settle this, judges? Okay, we’ll do Rock, Paper, Scissors.

Kristy: Rock! Paper!

Lucy: Scissors!

Kristy: A-ha!

Lucy: Good, I win – scissors beats rock!

Kristy: No, it doesn’t, dummy!

Lucy: Oh, yeah..

Together: Rock! Paper! Scissors!

Cindy: [laughs ] Rock crushes paper!

Kristy: No, it doesn’t, dummy!

Cindy: It.. uh.. oh.. yeah..

Kristy: Yayyyy!!!

Debbie Luciano: Okay, Kristy, I guess you win! so let’s go to the Bonus Round, and pick one category!

Kristy: Okay! I will take.. “Would You?”

Debbie Luciano: Okay. Get ready, you’ve got forty seconds to answer as many questions as possible, and here we go! “Would You.. Matt Dillon?”

Kristy: Of course!

Debbie Luciano: “Would You.. Tom Arnold?”

Kristy: Ick, no way.

Debbie Luciano: “Snoop Doggy Dogg”.

Kristy: [ hesitant ] Yes.

Debbie Luciano: “Scott Baio”.

Kristy: [ quickly ] I did.

Lucy & Cindy: Oh, my God! Yuck!

Kristy: What! He was really nice.. I-I-I met him that summer, when he was signing posters, at the mall! Uh, he took me to dinner, he bought me a big bottle of Chateau Brion – it was, like, $100!

Cindy: More like 100 doll-hairs!

Kristy: What?

Cindy: Grow up!

Kristy: You are!

Cindy: Scuzzy!

Kristy: Me? No, uh.. slut!

Cindy: Idiot!

Kristy: Period-face!

Cindy: Gross!

Debbie Luciano: Hey, you got a nice mouth – that was quite a jump from Idiot to Period-face.

Kristy: Yeah, well.. sorry, I was mad.

Lucy: [ weeping ] You guys.. could you stop fighting.. My parents used to fight.. and then my stepfather tried to make out with me..!

[ horn sounds ]

Debbie Luciano: Alright, that’s about all the time we have for our show. Thank you very much, and join us next week for “Gapardy”!

SNL Transcripts