Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 3
An SNL Digital Short
William…..Andy Samberg
Therapist…..Jane Lynch
[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]
[ dissolve to interior, Therapist’s office ]
Therapist: …and what seems to be the problem?
William: I just feel stressed out all the time. I don’t know what to do
Therapist: Well, let’s try something. Shut your eyes.
William: Okay. [ he shuts his eyes ]
Therapist: Now take a dee-ee-eep breath —
[ William breathes deeply ]
Therapist: And imagine you’re in the middle of a big, peaceful meadow, all alone…
[ dissolves to a peaceful meadow setting, William dressed in white ]
Therapist V/O: A warm breeze floats by, carrying the smell of fresh flowers. The sun caresses your face, as you let go of all your fears and worries. And, also, I’m there.
[ a relaxed William is suddenly disturbed to find his therapist lying next to him, jolting him from his relaxation therapy ]
William: Wait — why are you there?
Therapist: Just relax, William, okay? [ she smiles ] It’s all part of the process. Stay with me, okay?
William: Okay.
Therapist: So, you’re in the field…
[ dissolve back to the peaceful meadow setting ]
Therapist V/O: And you hear the sounds of some birds playing in the sunshine. You breathe in. And when you exhale, you feel all your troubles just melting away. And, also, I’m there, dressed as an ice cream man, sliding a popsicle down your throat…
[ the disturbing image again jolts William from his relaxation therapy ]
William: What is that?
Therapist: It’s okay — alright — let’s take it a little slow, okay? And, you’re back in the field —
[ dissolve back to the peaceful meadow setting ]
Therapist V/O: Completely calm… you let go of all the tension in your neck. You lie back, and when you look up, there’s a golf ball on your privates, and I’m there teeing off the 5 wood.
[ the disturbing image once again jolts William from his relaxation therapy ]
William: Okay! Yeah, that’s not cool.
Therapist: Trust, William, trust. Okay? Stay with me. And, we’re in the field —
[ dissolve back to the peaceful meadow setting ]
Therapist V/O: Cool breezes… a state of relaxation… nothing around you for miles. It smells warm, like fresh bread coming out of an oven. Yeah, and on top of that bread we’ve got smoked ham, lettuce, tomato, a little bit of spicy mustard on the top —
[ within the peaceful setting, William is bombarded with these toppings across his chest, jolting him once more from his relaxation therapy ]
[ the Therapist is now on the phone in her office ]
Therapist: And then, I guess a diet Dr. Pepper. Okay, see you in a bit. [ she hangs up the phone ]
[ William just stares at her incredulously ]
Therapist: And… we’re in the field —
[ dissolve back to the peaceful meadow setting ]
Therapist V/O: Breeze… flowers… relaxed… deep breath… friendly rabbit… a little more popsicle —
[ William hasn’t even bothered to play into this part of the therapy ]
William: Okay, what is going on? Are you even a therapist?
Therapist: Alright, William… I’m gonna level with you. This is a new experimental method that I am developing.
William: Okay.
Therapist: And, if it doesn’t help you, if it’s a complete failure, then I’ll waive my fee. Okay?
William: Fine.
Therapist: GOOD!! Okay. This time we’ll take a slightly difference approach. [ William sighs ] Now, you’re in a perfect white space —
[ dissolve to William walking along a white space ]
Therapist V/O: And all of your stress… just melts away.
William V/O: [ breathes deeply ] Okay. This is nice.
Therapist V/O: An innocent little girl approaches you… and offers you a flower. You warmly accept it. And then she KICKS you in the crotch! And then I walk over and I kick you in the crotch! [ she chuckles ] That’s it! You can open your eyes now.
[ William opens his eyes, mildly shocked ]
William: Huh. You know, I think that actually worked. I, strangely, feel better.
[ the Therapist leans in from William’s side ]
Therapist: And that concludes Phase One.
William: Noooo!
[ reveal full shot — the Therapist is lying naked beside William ]
Therapist: Now, let’s begin Phase Two.
[ cut to black ]
Air Date:
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Summary: Cheryl Bryant (Kristen Wiig) is more excited abut the dream home giveaway than the actual winner (Emma Stone).
Summary: Action news reporter Peter DeSantos (Bill Hader) has the scoop on disturbing new teen trends like “souping” and “trampolining”.
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Summary: Jimmy McMillan (Kenan Thompson) promotes his Rent’s Too Damn High political party. John Mulaney comments on current events that earn his “I Love It!” praise. Stefon (Bill Hader).
Summary: French teens (Emma Stone, Taran Killam) compete in a cafe dance-off.
Summary: Morgan (Nasim Pedrad) and best friend Meredith (Emma Stone) gush about how great her brother Erik (Andy Samberg) is on their hand-held camcorder show.
Summary: Ed Vincent (Paul Brittain) hosts a three-day symposium on sex.
Summary: Googie Rene (Kenan Thompson) sells Halloween costumes at a discount because his inventory comes complete with stains.
Summary: Joe Biden (Jason Sudeikis) compares the plight of the Chilean miners to the problems facing President Obama.
Summary: Jon Hamm proves his worth as an actor portraying n advertising executive on television by creating on-the-fly slogans for random objects chosen by audience members.
Summary: Rihanna and Shy Ronnie (Andy Samberg) rob a bank as “Ronnie & Clyde”.
Summary: Vincent Price’s (Bill Hader) 1960 Halloween special is ruined by Judy Garland’s (Kristen Wiig) drug dependency and sexual innuendos courtesy of Sen. John F. Kennedy (Jon Hamm) and Liberace (Fred Armisen).
Summary: The new DVD and Blu-Ray box set features audition outtakes from 80’s-era celebrities.
Summary: While auditioning for a role, Lizette Barnes (Kristen Wiig) lays down her list of ridiculous standards to the production’s director (Jason Sudeikis).
Summary: The new DVD and Blu-Ray box set features more audition outtakes from 80’s-era celebrities.
Summary: James Carville (Bill Hader) gives his crazed thoughts on the upcoming mid-term elections. Garth (Fred Armisen) & Kat (Kristen Wiig) are, as usual, unprepared to promote their new Halloween CD.
Summary: Roger Sims (Bobby Moynihan) interviews others like himself who have gained unintentional fame thanks to embarrassing online clips of themselves.
Summary: Highway cops Cutter (Jason Sudeikis) and Randy (Jon Hamm) share one motorcycle and miss their assignments while frolicking in the outdoors.
Summary: Lounge act Darleek (Kristen Wiig) and Barney (Jon Hamm) have pretend fights and make bad jokes to one’s amusement.
Summary: In a cartoon by Fred Wolf, a male dog (David Spade) in a celebrity’s purse muses about his lot in life.
Summary: TCM host Robert Osborne (Jason Sudeikis) presents deleted scenes from “The Wizard of Oz” featuring a talking weather vane (Fred Armisen).
Air Date:
Summary: Representatives from British Petroleum (Bill Hader), Transocean (Fred Armisen), and Halliburton (Jason Sudeikis) offer lamebrained solutions for cleaning up the Gulf of Mexico oil spill.
Summary: Alec Baldwin delivers a commencement address for SNL’s 35th season.
Summary: Coked-up guy (Andy Samberg) paranoically sings about having a “Great Day”.
Summary: A dramatic scene between actors (Alec Baldwin, Andy Samberg) is ruined by new script supervisor, Starfish (Kristen Wiig), and her big teeth.
Summary: Infuriated swim coach (Alec Baldwin) hands awards to all the swim team members he hates.
Summary: Bedelia (Nasim Pedrad) would rather hang around her cool Dad (Alec Baldwin) than socialize with her peers at her own birthday party.
Summary: Sally Field (Abby Elliott) promotes the bone loss health solution for middle-aged women who are needlessly scared by their doctors.
Summary: Grady Wilson (Kenan Thompson) demonstrates sex techniques for seniors with the aid of randy Greek Kostos (Alec Baldwin).
Summary: Orange-colored Snooki (Bobby Moynihan) promotes the second season of “Jersey Shore” and flirts with Seth Meyers. Stefon (Bill Hader) discusses more trendy vacation spots for families. Unprepared Garth (Fred Armisen) & Kat (Kristen Wiig) sing more songs as though they were making them up on the spot.
Summary: Gram Lampton (Alec Baldwin) and Penny Schmeer (Kristen Wiig) show how you can save time, as long as you remember to send your lunch back from the future.
Summary: Turner Classic Movies presents “Whistle If You Can”, a 1950’s film in which a businessman (Alec Baldwin) gets his kicks by pressuring a hooker (Jenny Slate) to open up about her past.
Summary: Sniper (Alec Baldwin) orders his combat trainees (Jason Sudeikis, Kenan Thompson) to “Taaay the shaaa!”
Summary: The injection that corrects sagging male skin.